Work Text:
Excerpts from the diary of Laura Palmer
September 13, 1984
Dear Diary,
Today I went with Dad to the Horne house! They live up in a huge wooden building where their hotel is. At first I didn’t want to go -- I had promised Donna I would help her with baking a cake for her Mom -- but Dad said he wanted to show me what his work is like.
Honestly, I think he just wanted an excuse to go and smoke cigars with Benjamin Horne (Dad introduced me to him, but still!). He left me alone and told me I could go “play with Audrey and Johnny.” I swear he thinks I’m still five years old sometimes.
I would rather have stayed at the hotel bar and looked at the strangers. I sometimes get this idea that it would be nice to be an adult, sit at the bar, drink something that has alcohol in it, and meet a handsome stranger who would whisk me away on an adventure filled with international intrigue and mystery…
I did not meet any strangers, but Audrey Horne was really home, so I talked to her. I like Audrey even though she is not my friend like Donna is. She already has breasts and styles her hair like an adult. (I once asked Mom if I could cut my hair but she said no and I could do it when I was eighteen.)
Audrey acts adult too, but I know she’s actually shy and not that adult at all. I asked her if the bar ever let her have a drink and she blushed and I knew she hadn’t even thought of it before. I told her about my dream of a handsome stranger, which made her giggle. She is nice, but really a little boring under all that adultness.
Well, Mom’s calling me to dinner! Until next time,
Laura
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November 5, 1985
Dear Diary,
Today I spent the day taking care of Troy, who I have neglected lately. I feel a little bad about it but I just have no time.
I have been feeling a little weird ever since That Night. It’s a good weird, though, like something changed in me. I wish I could talk to Donna about it, but she is still such a child. It is like I would make her dirty if I said anything out loud, even though she was there. She still talks about getting Tim’s number, but I don’t think she is ever going to call him.
Something that made me feel better about it happened though. After I left the stables, I went downtown, and who do I meet at the Horne Department Store but Audrey Horne herself. She told me her father had promised her a pair of new earrings, so I didn’t feel bad telling I had been with Troy today. (This is not a nice thought, but I am sure she is still a little jealous of how much her Dad likes me.)
We decided to get ice-cream together and Audrey told me about her problems at home. I didn’t think she had many, but she said her Mom never spends any time with her because she needs to take care of Johnny. Audrey said she loves Johnny but sometimes wishes he wasn’t her brother. After she said this she blushed and I could tell she felt really bad. I thought it would make her feel better if I told her about what happened to me last month, because it would be like swapping secrets, so I did.
I had to whisper because we were at the ice cream bar. Audrey blushed even more when I said I had kissed two boys at once and even let them touch my body. I worried she would be disgusted but she looked excited.
I think she is almost as childish as Donna, but for some reason I think I could tell her about my thoughts and she wouldn’t mind. I’m not sure if we are friends but I think I should call her sometimes.
Yours faithfully,
L.
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September 20, 1986
Dear Diary,
I am still thinking about BOB, but I am determined not to let him win. I hung onto this thought today and decided to call Audrey. Over the last year we’ve become friendly, and I visit her sometimes. I don’t know why I haven’t told Donna about this, but I suspect she would be jealous, as nice as she is. I think she still thinks we are Best Friends, but if I am honest with myself, I feel too old and experienced to have the “one best friend” like in middle school.
So, I called Audrey, and lucky me, she was home. I asked if I could come over, and she sounded happy and said of course I could.
Audrey has a big room all to herself with a walk-in closet full of clothes. We sat on her bed and smoked and talked about high school. She said we were practically adults now and I agreed. It felt like we were having a conspiratorial conversation, and suddenly I thought to ask her how many boys she had been with. She blushed so much even her considerable amount of make-up couldn’t hide it. I knew then she hadn’t been with anyone. I think she thought I was going to make fun of her, but I would never do that, even though I was a little surprised.
I then asked if she’d kissed any boys and it made her look even more shy. For some reason it made me feel very confident, and I felt almost like a mother who wants to take care of her daughter. I told her it was normal, and even though I’d told her about my experiences before, I said she just hadn’t had the chance and when she did, it would be magical.
Audrey was obviously relieved. I asked her if she wanted to try kissing. For a moment I thought I’d over-stepped and she would get mad, but to my considerable surprise she didn’t. I told her to close her eyes, and I thought of the way the men I’ve been with like to kiss me. I like it when they are considerate and soft, and it’s like they pay attention to my reactions, so I tried to do the same and kissed Audrey softly, because she seemed a little shy still. I think she liked it, and we ended up kissing for a while. Afterwards I had Audrey’s lipstick all over my face and we started giggling like little girls -- Mom still doesn’t want me to wear red lipstick, because she thinks it’s “slutty.” Audrey is far from slutty, though.
We agreed we should meet again for kissing practice. This might be a pompous thought, but I think I am making Audrey’s life a little better.
Dreamily yours,
L.
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September 21, 1986
To Audrey
Pine and shoes and lipstick
Green and black and red
You walk in the shadows
Yet I see the flicker
Yet I see the light
Yet I see the flame
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December 17, 1987
Now that I’m helping Johnny Horne, I visit the Hornes regularly. Being with Johnny is both hard and nice -- it really is work, and I’m glad Benjamin Horne pays well for it, but I do like spending time with Johnny. He is going to stay a child forever, but if I treat him like that, and accept that he is a little child, we have a grand ol’ time. Maybe I should become a kindergarten teacher, hmm…
Ha ha, could you imagine me doing anything like that? I should NOT be allowed near children, because I am a dirty whore and will infect them all with my disease. I am never going to tell the Hornes, though, because I need the money. I need to buy more cocaine this weekend.
Because I now visit the Hornes often, I see Audrey often too. We don’t always talk with each other, but sometimes we go to her room after my time with Johnny has ended. We tell her parents I am helping her with algebra -- she really is bad at it -- but what we actually do is talk about our secrets and fantasies. Audrey is still inexperienced, but in a way I think her mind isn’t. She wants me to tell about my escapades and I like doing it. Sometimes we just lie together on her bed, surrounded by all her soft pillows, and touch ourselves.
Sometimes I think I am just a dirty little whore who should be thrown in the ditch because I have corrupted a sweet innocent soul like Audrey. She was pure before I forced her to kiss me, and I am going to hell for it, because I am a WHORE DIRTY WHORE. [illegible]
I am NOT going to let BOB take Audrey away from me. Talking with her makes me stronger. I wish I could tell her about BOB, but that would be a step too far. Our relationship is good as it is.
L.
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January 2, 1988
Cont’d.
I left out one of my sexual partners from the earlier list.
A.H.
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August 18, 1988
Dear Diary,
I was feeling so lousy today that I didn’t want to get out of bed. Sobriety doesn’t agree with me.
I did get out; the senior year is looming ahead. I might just as well use the hours I’m not in a drugged haze for something good. It’s hard to see how all this studying is going to benefit me in the future, but at least it might help take my mind off things.
Audrey called our house today when I wasn’t home. Mom told me she had asked if I could study with her tomorrow, so I called her back and told her I would.
At least I have something to look forward to.
L.
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August 19, 1988
Dear Diary,
I saw Audrey today. We did really study for a while, because she needs all the help she can get with algebra. Other than that, we got up to our usual business.
Audrey is one of the people I feel the same about even when I’m not drunk or stoned. There is a sweetness to her, even though she has started to act very tough and mysterious. She’d bought new red shoes which make her look like a little like an old glamorous movie star. I told her this and she laughed -- she has changed her laugh, too. I am a little sad that she is trying to act all sultry now. She was always such a light in the darkness that my life has become.
Suddenly I thought that I cannot be with Audrey anymore. I would ruin her, too.
I wasn’t sure how I’d tell her this, so when we were done I just told her straight that I didn’t like her anymore and she should not bother calling me and that I’d only visit Johnny from now on.
I thought she’d get mad at me like the little girl she sometimes still is, but she just sat there looking sad. “You don’t need to worry about me, Laura,” she said. “Let me worry about you.”
I’m not sure what she meant but it made me feel both better and worse. I don’t know if we’ll study together again.
L.