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It hit Michael as he closed his truck door and walked across the parking lot of the air force base that it had been days since he had seen or heard from Alex. With all the excitement with Isabel disappearing and Noah leaving her, plus Max getting shot, the time had flown by. Michael had taken for granted that he would see Alex. It seemed like ever since Alex got back that they had always been bumping into each other, stealing glances. It felt like there was some kind of gravity that pulled them together. But ever since that screwed up night at the drive-in Alex had disappeared, again.
And Michael got it. In high school, Alex had always been unsure, hesitant and shy. One weekend they would manage to steal away together for hours, talking, laughing, just being. And things would sometimes develop into a kiss or more. Hands wandering each other's bodies, exploring, mapping out their bodies like learning the constellations of the night sky. And then Alex would suddenly invert again only days later. And Michael could barely get a kiss let alone a hand under his shirt. At times like those Alex had seemed so distant, unreachable.
And now it was happening again. They ran hot, burned so bright only to have it turn to ice. Alex was like a comet. Exotic and different from anything Michael had ever known. He was the only person Michael had ever met that felt as alienated and unwelcome in this small podunk town. The only one who had fit in even less than Michael. Alex was home to Michael in a way that Roswell never had been. And they had become so close so long ago, and their passion had burned so brightly. Until that great and terrible night, when they finally became one. Michael still didn’t know how it had been so perfect, how he had felt completely at peace for the first time in his life, only to have it completely dashed, ruined, broken beyond what it had ever been before. In one night he had it all for a moment, and then fate ripped it so cruelly from him. The universe smashed all of his dreams, even as surely as Jesse Manes had destroyed his hand and banished Alex away to basic training.
But anyway Michael wanted his equipment back from the greedy air force. They took the ranch, kicked him off, and even invaded his trailer and took his stuff. They took everything. Not that Michael could entirely blame them. It did look like he was on the verge of cooking meth. But it was his, and there was so little in this strange world that he could lay claim to, but maybe he was also looking for an excuse to bother Alex. To rile him up and make him hurt a little the way he had hurt Michael when he called him a criminal.
Michael swaggered up to the front desk of the administrative office, wearing his black cowboy hat, curls wildly untamed - the vision of a rebel. He was about to inquire about a certain airman's location when he saw the name on the uniform of the downturned head. MANES.
"Funny finding you at a desk Private,” Michael said bitterly. “I thought you specialized in missions of disturbing the public peace and stealing dairy farms from us poor civilians."
Alex startled, glancing up from his computer where he had been typing. Michael was about to continue his tirade when he noticed the purple and yellow bruising that blossomed across Alex's left cheek like a supernova. His bottom lip was split. Overall a painful painting on Alex’s skin. Michael knew he had had enough tumbles and fights to know.
"I see you've graduated to harassing the locals in bars now, I'm glad whoever it was got a punch in before you....”
Alex's head ducked down. He couldn't seem to look Michael in the eyes as he interrupted him mid-rant.
"I fell."
"Yeah right.” Michael laughed harshly. “ And I'm your superior officer Private, so salute me and give me my stuff back. Uncle Sam has had all the time he needs to analyze everything..."
The words died on Michael's lips as his eyes scanned down, and he noticed the purple stain of bruising creeping just over the collar of Alex's uniform. He gazed down at Alex's hands, looking for a busted knuckle or two, the telltale signs of the brawl, but his hands were unmarked. A cold feeling crept down Michael's spine. It felt strangely like Deja Vu, or like a forgotten word that was caught on the tip of his tongue.
"What happened to you?"
"I told you I fell.."
Michael was about to protest, but Alex was already stiffly standing, grabbing his crutch and limping away. Hard. His limp was more pronounced than Michael had ever seen. But he was supposed to be healing. Michael jumped after him when he realized that the other man was not going to stop to see if he was following.
"Alright, sorry I asked" he called after Alex acridly, jogging to catch up before the other man disappeared down a hallway in the maze-like base. "You just never were the type, never as hot-headed to get into something" the unspoken words 'like me' he left unsaid. He paused before continuing, “wouldn’t want to do anything that daddy dearest would disapprove of.” It was a low blow. Michael tried to catch Alex’s eye, waiting for Alex to quip back. But he stayed silent leading Michael deeper into the base.
Michael rolled his eyes, and followed silently, he had forgotten how good Alex was at a silent treatment. It was the other man’s go-to solution to every argument. Go silent and walk away. There had been other times when they had enjoyed just being with one another, cherishing the rare intimacy of their companionship. No words were spoken because the understanding they shared at times was beyond such mundane forms of communication. Because no words could ever convey the sense of complete belonging and wholeness they felt together. But this silence was strange, it felt uncomfortable, like a physical strain. Alex had always been quiet, except with Michael. Michael had always been the one who could breach his defenses and scale the walls he put up effortlessly. The one person Alex had ever let in.
"So are you just going to walk in circles until I leave" he tried again to stir things "because you know I could probably outlast you these days" he finished smirking slightly as he glanced down at Alex's leg.
But Alex didn't reply. He only stopped at a grey metal door with a stenciled letter followed by a number. Pulled out some keys, sorted through them for a moment until he found the one he was looking for and unlocked it. Michael followed him into the storage room. Lingering by the door, drumming his fingers against his leg, as Alex flipped a light switch and disappeared deeper into the room of shelves and labeled file boxes. And then he was back, awkwardly caring a large box. He all but shoved the box into Michael's arms before disappearing again, with a speed that seemed impressive to Michael despite everything. And in no time he was back again with a second, this one rattled betraying its contents of glass beakers and jars.
"Here Geurin is all of your seized property" Alex stated, trying to maintain a professional demeanor as he stacked the second box on top of the first at Michael’s feet. He reached around where Michael was leaning on the door frame and pulled a clipboard from a hook.
"Alex," Michael said exasperatedly, frustrated, but it was like the other man couldn't hear him. Alex scratched out a few words with a black ballpoint and handed it to the other man.
"Please sign here as documentation declaring the receipt of your property."
Part of Michael wanted to scream at him that he didn’t always have to be such a cold feelingless soldier. "Alex" he tried again perhaps a little too forcefully, reaching out his hand to the smaller man’s shoulder, only to have the other drawback in a flinch. Michael’s eyes darkened with sorrow, that cold feeling came back. "What happened?"
"I broke up with you, Geurin.” Alex sighed tiredly, gazing off at some point beyond Michael's shoulder. ”You don't have to worry about me. You don’t owe me anything."
"We were barely even together,” Michael paused, drew a breath, cursing himself for feeling so vulnerable “but that never stopped me from worrying about you before. I’ve never stopped caring for you, not really”
Alex looked up at that. His warm brown eyes met Michael's for the first time since Michael had seen the bruising. Emotions flashed almost too fast for Michael to read. Love, affection, embarrassment, pain, fear and then he went blank.
"Geurin" he paused, "I don’t want you to. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
"Wow! Private,” the sarcasm leeched back into Michael’s voice as his frustration grew, trying to mask the pain of rejection. “So now you're concerned about hurting me. I thought I was just some disappointing lowlife criminal. Unworthy of your time let alone a thought. And now you’re what? Trying to protect me? Well, guess what Private, you’re too late. And what's with the whole 'I fell' routine. You know that you don't have to put on any acts for a criminal like me. So what if you got drunk and into a fight. Trying to pass it off as some accident just makes you sound like a battered woman."
Alex flinched like he had been slapped.
"I..just leave it, Michael.” He pleaded quietly.
And that's when Michael really saw the man in front of him, really looked at him. His hunched shoulders, the black eye, the split lip, the clean knuckles, and additional bruising on his neck and who knows where else. And it all clicked.
“Who?” Michael practically growled, trying to keep the rising anger at bay. Who would dare to lay a hand on Alex. His body almost vibrating with rage, yet there was nothing more he wanted to do than wrap Alex up in his arms and protect him from all the monsters. And then promptly kill whoever did this with his bare hands.
Alex took a step back, trying to put distance between them. Because if Michael got too close, he would lose his self-control. He would lose his resolve. His eyes became moist, breathing becoming erratic.
“I can’t do this.” Came out as a choked whisper, and then he darted for the door. But Michael was faster, and he knew Alex. He’d watched him walk away so many times. Not today. Because someone had hurt Alex. Could still be hurting Alex.
Michael pivoted and reached out, shutting the door and cornering the fleeing soldier. Effectively trapping Alex Manes between his arms. They were so close now, Alex turned slowly, and they stood practically chest to chest. Alex could feel Michael’s breath and the warmth of his skin. The tension grew between them as they both anxiously waited for the other’s reaction, an unseen force seemed to be pulling them together, resonating as the familiar ache in their hearts. And then Alex shuddered, the walls around him came crashing down, and he let go. He stopped resisting, surrendered to the gravity-like force, collapsing into Michael.
The two pieces became one. They were whole again. For a moment every thought left Michael’s mind. He just felt peace.
Michael folded his arms around Alex, letting them sink down to the cold linoleum floor. He held him tightly as the other man cried. As he did, Michael felt his earlier anger dissipate as the rest of the world seemed to disappear until nothing else existed beyond what was happening at this moment. And despite the sadness, the heartache and all of the past wrongs, Michael felt whole. Alex had stopped denying, resisting, or pushing him away.
As Alex’s sobs subsided, Michael continued to gently stroke his back in soothing circles. His hand wandering up to hold Alex’s cheek, wiping away the tears with his thumb.
“I’m so sorry,” Alex said, breaking the silence. “Everything I do, I just mess everything up. And I just make it all worse. I wish I was stronger. I thought that I had become stronger. I thought that I had become man enough. But I’m back here and I’m just a scared kid again. And I’ve managed to hurt you again and put you in danger, which I swore to myself I would never do if you ever gave me a second chance. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know how I thought that he would be any different than he was before. I guess I hoped that I would be enough now, you know, after everything I had gone through and done, that maybe now he could accept some part of me. That some part of who I am wouldn’t be utterly disgusting. What a fool I was.”
“He?” Michael inquired, the answer coming before Alex could respond. For a genius, Michael sure felt like a dumbass sometimes. “Your father.” He paused, thinking a moment before cautiously asking “that night wasn’t the first night he beat you, was it?”
Alex faltered for a moment and then nodded.
Michael’s mind flew back to high school. All the times Alex had worn long sleeves even when it was sunny and hot. His shyness at showing any skin, the flinches when Michael’s hands wandered across his ribs. And now the night at the drive in. The night that Alex had asked him to stay and be with him with a smile and a blush, in front of the whole town, heck the whole base. And how it had felt so good to sit side by side, like any other couple, and just be. No hiding behind the bleachers, no six-foot gap of space to maintain, no sneaking around at the dead of night into the desert. And it had all seemed to be going fine until Alex had been stopped by Master Sergeant Jesse Manes. Michael hadn’t put much thought of it at the time. It seemed like the Sergeant was always looming. But then Alex had picked such a random fight about Michael being a ‘criminal’, he hadn’t even sounded like himself. It was almost like Jesse Manes using Alex like a ventriloquist using a puppet.
“Is he the real reason you left me?” Michael inquired, eyes searching to meet Alex’s.
“No...well yes, but it’s my own fault.” Alex sighed “I never told you this when we were kids because you were the one good thing in my life. And I didn’t want him to have any more power over me, I didn’t want him to corrupt or taint the happiness we had found in each other. So I hid you from him, from the people who would judge and ridicule, the world. Because you were and are my escape. And you make me feel alive when we are together. Like I have worth. That maybe I could be loved.”
Michael felt his heart clench at Alex’s words. They were so painfilled, and yet they were passionate and vibrant and fierce. Just like the man in front of him.
“But it also scared and still terrifies me. Because I made you a target. And I failed you, I couldn’t protect you. I knew I could handle my father’s beatings. I had endured them for years. No one suspects when a kid with a bunch of older brothers breaks his arm or ends up with a concussion. But that night when he attacked you, I knew that I was wrong for you. I knew that I was a leech for wanting you and that I would only bring you misery and pain. And the only way I could think of protecting you was for us to leave Roswell, to get away from him. But when you wouldn’t go, I knew that I at least had to.”
Alex exhaled shakily, before smiling bitterly. “And it worked. He left you alone for all those years until I got stupidly optimistic and selfish. I will always cherish what we had together, you are my oasis. I will love you Michael Geurin until the day I die.”
Michael surged forward, capturing Alex in a searing kiss. A kiss that was filled with bittersweet longing, desire, hope, passion, and love. As their lips pressed and moved, seeking to consume and claim one another, Michael felt gentle drops touch his cheeks. He opened his eyes and pulled back for a moment to take in the fresh tears falling down Alex’s face.
“Hey, hey” he whispered, brushing the tears away with gentle hands. “I’m not giving up on us this time. We will fight for this, for us. I always gave up too easily. I let you walk away, and I almost lost you forever.”
But Alex started to shake his head, trembling in Michael’s arms, and opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced a finger being placed over his lips. Michael’s hands slid to cup Alex’s face as he looked deeply into his eyes.
“You listen to me, Alex Manes. I love you. And I hate that that man has made you think that you desire anything less than to be adored. I hate that he’s somehow convinced you that you are weak. He’s the weak one, beating up a kid half his size because of his bigoted and homophobic notions of what it is to be a man. Beating you now because you dared to be honest about who you are. Screw him! It makes me so angry, I can barely control my rage knowing that he hurt you then and that he’s doing it now. I want to hunt him down and make him regret that he ever laid a hand on you.”
Alex’s eyes got wide and concerned. “But you can’t Michael, you have to stay away from him. From me, but especially him. He..” Alex stopped mid-sentence, fresh tears slid down his cheeks as he voiced his greatest fear, “he said that he would kill you. That he would finish what he started ten years ago and beat you to death.”