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Tony remembers it all.
Tony remembers the sound of tiny bare feet running from down the hallway. He remembers his little laugh.
Racing plastic toy cars on the kitchen floor and plastic dinosaurs, “I love you to the moon and back, bud.”
Tony remembers brown eyes looking into his like they had their own secret club. He remembers dancing, lazy mornings of him waking Steve and Tony up.
Tony remembers numerous visits to the hospital, the way Steve looked as he held back a sob every time they had to visit, the way he was falling apart but he needed to stay strong for the little brown eyes staring up at him.
Tony remembers little brown eyes holding his hand, and it that moment he knew that little brown eyes fought it hard like an army guy, like his papa.
Tony remembers when he felt like coming undone but he didn’t- he couldn’t- not in front of shining little brown eyes.
Tony remembers when the doctor told him that he wasn’t going to make it, but he never lost hope.
Tony remembers the day when he sobbed violently into Steve’s shirt, coming undone at 2 am, so angry at the world, so upset, so tired, he tries to be so-so strong but he’s only human and he’s reached his tipping point.
Tony remembers the day he knew the doctor was right. He leaned in and whispered into little brown eyes’ ears, “Come on, baby, we’re going to fly away from here.”
“Where are we going?”
“Someplace better.”
“Where?”
“Just somewhere out of this curtained room and this hospital gray.”
“We’re gonna disappear?”
“Yeah, bud.”
Tony remembers the day 5 year old Peter Parker lost his battle to cancer.
Tony remembers being silent, unwanted tears carelessly streaming his face as Peter’s grip on his arms went limp. He knew it was coming, but it didn’t mean that it was going to hurt any less. He remembers himself sinking to the floor, looking at Steve who was crying and screaming “Why?” he should be standing next to Steve, hugging him, touching him, but he felt like a part of him was taken away when little brown eyes closed his eyes for the last time and he felt weak and empty.
Tony remembers how knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died.
Tony remembers how flowers pile up in the worst way and he remembers himself standing in front of close friends, in front of the man he loved with all his heart, “He was my best 5 years.”
Tony remembers how he felt like a part of him went down with the tiny casket as it was buried deep down the earth.
Tony remembers that studies shown that marriage goes downhill when a child dies.
Tony remembers that him and Steve are not the average married couple.
Tony remembers late nights filled with nightmares and strong arms wrapping around his waist, sometimes it was strong arms of a mechanic soothing a super solider, he remembers the dim light of the kitchen as they shared conversations accompanied by red wine and cheese.
Tony remembers how he didn’t’ marry this man for nothing.
“I love you exponentially.”
“If you are expecting something as cheesy as that was Rogers, you are going to disappointed but yeah, I love you to the moon and back.”
Tony remembers reading a poem;
‘We are the remote control of our lives
Only choosing which part we want to see, hear and remember.’
Pause.
Rewind.
Play.
“I love you to the moon and back, bud.”
Pause.
Rewind.
Play.
“I love you to the moon and back.”
Pause.
Rewind.
Play.
“I love you”