Chapter Text
Contrary to popular belief, Clarke does not know all the answers. She doesn’t know what the right decision is and has never claimed to know. But somewhere along the way people stopped seeing her as their friend and started seeing her as a type of god figure - toying with life and death like chess pieces and laughing when it goes wrong. Heaven forbid she not be able to please everyone. Just like a god, she gets the blame for it all. That wasn’t exactly what she had in mind when she said ‘I bare it so they don’t have to,’ but that’s her reality right now. Isolated and completely surrounded all at once. A small part of her wishes it were just her and Madi again, blissfully unaware of her friends’ resentment for her. The truth is she’s still human - she bleeds (although it’s black now) and feels and cries and wants to be liked and loved just like the rest of them.
After 125 years or so of abuse - from friends and family and the universe - she’s starting to turn to stone. They want a god? So be it. She’ll be as empty and unrelenting as one too. All of her old promises to Bellamy flash through her mind. Heartache can only last so long before it turns into abject apathy.
“I don’t see why i should be the one to stay when Shaw can fly the ship just fine,” Raven has her hands on her hips trying very hard to convince Bellamy.
“Doesn’t it make more sense to take your best pilot to the ground?” Raven pauses, turns to Shaw, and says, “Sorry,” Shaw shrugs it off knowing arguing with her is an hour long can of worms. Clarke has been on the other side of many of those arguments so she doesn’t blame him - she’s already looking for a way out of the room.
“Because Shaw is a better fighter and we need all the protection we can get down there if things turn South.” Bellamy runs two frustrated hands through his curls and Clarke tries her best to look away but after years and years of missing Bellamy it’s hard not to soak him up while she still has the chance. His tone was toeing the line of diplomatic and stressed the fuck out and she smiled, remembering that voice well.
“And Clarke gets to go? Like we can trust her? She’ll sell us out in a second if it meant her and Madi were safe” Raven was close to a full on tantrum and it was all Clarke could do not to lunge at her. When did her friends become the enemy?
“Because Madi is still on the ship - she wouldn’t mess that up,” Echo reasons with the rest of Spacekru like she’s actually the enemy.
Clarke wanted to jump out the goddamn window.
Instead she walks out of the room wanting to be anywhere but there.
She walks just far enough to where she can’t hear them debate whether she’s worthy of their trust and slides down the wall with a sigh. This is going to be a long existence if they keep it up.
How did she get here? One minute she’s sacrificing herself so they could get to the ship and leave and the next she’s enemy number 1 - scum of the earth. Clarke can’t help but chuckle at that. Scum of the Earth. Images of her months of solitude in the desert after Praimfaya go through her mind. Fitting, maybe she is. She surely won over the title of cockroach from Murphy.
“Hey if wanna slip out the back I could probably find a spacesuit somewhere,” Murphy finds her. Speak of the devil.
“If you’re trying to kill me, I wouldn’t waste a space suit” Clarke deadpanned.
Murphy laughs and slide down the wall next to her.
“From one cockroach to another, we both know that wouldn’t stop you” Clarke is a little taken aback by the trace of respect she hears in his voice.
“Careful Murphy, almost sounds like you don’t hate me” Clarke teases.
He’s quiet for a moment and she thinks he isn’t biting back. Maybe she’s stepped too far. She no longer has the same relationship with them as she did before. Bellamy is proof of that. She hasn’t known solid ground for a while now.
“I don’t have the time or energy to hate you Clarke”
Clark stops at that.
“We’ve all done terrible shit - and I think they’ve forgotten that. Why hold you to a higher standard?”
For the first time in a long time, Clarke wants to cry. Not out of anger or frustration, but this time she wants to cry because it hurt - she’s feels seen. There’s something about the gentle sting of vulnerability that hurts more than the rest.
She shakes it off, “yeah its bullshit” they both laugh, “not to be all grateful and mush but I for one appreciate your service” Murphy holds his hand out for Clarke to shake. She looks down at his hand for a moment. The idea of a compliment being almost too much right now.
When she’s sure he’s not about to snatch his hand away and make fun of her she tentatively reaches out and shakes his.
Maybe not friends yet, but she has an ally. She can’t seem to make words come out of her mouth, hoping her expression conveys enough.
“Let’s go see if they’re done being stupid” Murphy helps Clarke up and they walk back in together.