Touch

by Tavriel

Summary:

The different ways Gavriel touches Tana.

Notes:

Mentions of vaginal fingering, cunnilingus, and wall sex, but not very big scenes. First time writing smut and nervous about tagging.

Going with the headcanon that Tana survives going Cold. Mentions of smut.

The funny thing about Gavriel is that he is incredibly tactile. Tana isn't sure if it's because he was touch-starved or if he was like that before everything that happened to him. She's come to discover that there were events that shaped a person. Tana isn't sure what she would have been like if her mother hadn't gotten infected, if she'd never let her mother out, and if her father had never killed her mother to save her. But regardless of whether it was an old habit or not, Gavriel is, to put it bluntly, extremely touchy. The funny thing is, there's always a slight hesitance when Gavriel touches Tana at first, even though they've basically confessed that they liked each other.

HAIR

The first incident of note happens when Tana is detoxing. It's early enough in the process so that Tana is capable of rational thinking and her only symptoms are a chill that feels as though it has originated from her heart and is freezing her from the inside out. It feels like the times when she got the sniffles and she could take a tablet before it evolved into a full blown cold, but she doesn't have a tablet for this.

Gavriel has kept his word and has stayed with her. At the moment he is bent over a book, looking for all the world like a normal guy, like a guy Tana would meet when she went to college. Tana has spent the time talking at the camera, but since she doesn't have Midnight's ability to tell a story, to make everything seem glamorous and exciting, it basically sounds like a bunch of rambling. That was the point, she tells herself. I don't want to make this seem glamorous. Unbidden, images of her classmates flash before her eyes. Once again she can see the bodies, the carpets stiff with blood, and the vampires so bloated with blood that they didn't even resemble anything human.

Tana's stomach roils and then she's throwing up. Her stomach churns and her throat burns as she gags and heaves. In the back of her mind she has the dim thought that the vomiting part of detoxing has begun. As she bends over, her hair obscures her vision. Tana chokes and spits as her hair gets into her mouth and tries to brush it back.

Gavriel is beside her then, brushing her hair back and murmuring reassurances. Tana knows she shouldn't be embarrassed. She has other things to worry about, like the fact that she's detoxing and even if she does manage to detox, she's trapped in Coldtown. There are more important things to worry about than the fact that she's throwing up in front of a cute guy, but there is a tiny part of her brain that is aware of how embarrassing this is and reacts accordingly. Finally, Tana finishes heaving and sat up. Her stomach aches and there's an acid taste in her mouth.

Tana wipes her mouth with a shaking hand and turns to look at Gavriel. She should thank him, but she still feels embarrassed. It's stupid to be embarrassed, Gavriel's seen her when she stabbed a vampire and licked the blood and that's way worse than simply vomiting. But vomiting just seems so much more personal. Gavriel is a vampire, after all. He's probably seen lots of people covered in blood. Hell, he's probably been covered in blood. But this just feels like she's much more vulnerable.

She speaks to distract herself.“So I guess after seeing me covered in blood, this is pretty tame, right? Or is blood a bit of a turn on for you?”

Gavriel's grin is wicked as he replies. “That depends on whose blood it is.”

 

Tana stares for a minute and then laughs, the tension easing from her. She accepts a bottle of water from Gavriel and washes out the taste of bile from her mouth. “Thanks.” After they clean up the mess, Gavriel maneuvers Tana so that her head is in his lap. His fingers card through her hair and Tana can feel herself relaxing.

*
The infection has set in now. On her worst days, Tana doesn't even remember what's going on. She's cold, constantly cold, as though she's turning into an ice statute. No matter how long she huddles, she can never get warm and Tana wonders if she'll ever get warm again. She can't think of a reason why she's so cold, or why her muscles ache. Her head pounds as though she's been struck with a sledgehammer. She constantly feels the urge to throw up. Her stomach cramps.

Tana tries to sleep, but despite how weak she is, she can't get to sleep. She vaguely remembers hearing that a long sleep is the best cure for all sickness, but she can't remember where she's heard that. When she tries to sleep, her dreams are filled with dead bodies and blood and images that can't be real. Tana doesn't know the reason for why she's constantly in pain, but she knows getting blood will make it better. Tana wants blood more than she's wanted anything. But she can't find blood.

Tana begs for blood, but her pleas go unanswered. She dimly recalls the story of Rapunzel and how her mother felt as if she would die if she didn't get (what did she want from the witch's garden?) and she can sympathize. Tana dreams of blood, of finding someone and sinking her teeth into their neck and just gulping down the blood like she would gulp down a glass of water on a hot summer's day. But Tana is too weak to get the blood. She can barely make herself uncurl from the fetal position, and even if she could, she can't go anywhere because she's chained. Why is she chained? Something niggles at the back of her mind, but she can't spare a moment to think about it.

Eventually Tana's desperation gets the better of her and she's biting viciously into her arms. The blood hits her tongue and she shudders in pleasure. It's not enough, though. She needs to get more, but before she can bite herself again, her hands are being restrained. Tana thrashes, because she needs the blood, she'll die without the blood. She would beg and scream and bargain for the blood, but all that comes out of her mouth is a hoarse croak. Right. She'd spent the nights screaming but she can never remember why.

She's still being restrained, and Tana is slightly aware that she's being held gently. A voice is talking to her, saying something about days and how well she's doing, but the words don't make sense. But Tana likes the voice and she likes the fingers in her hair. She bursts into loud sobs, and she can't figure out why. But her hair is still being stroked and there's a tiny part of her brain saying that she's probably safe.

Eventually, Tana wakes up and is able to remain aware of her surroundings. She's on the floor and she aches everywhere. She can barely muster up the energy to turn her head. Gavriel brushes her hair from her face and Tana dimly notes that she's covered in sweat. She wants to say something, but talking is too much work, so she just blinks. Gavriel watches her with a proud little smile on his face. “Congratulations, Tana,” he says.

Why is he congratulating her? It comes rushing back to her then. It's like when she wakes up first thing in the morning and she has the vague sense that she should be upset but she can't remember why. “You mean-” Tana can barely get the words out, as if saying the words out loud will jinx it. But Gavriel nods. “You beat the infection, Tana. You're human.” Tana goes limp with relief and hysterical laughter bubbles up from her throat.

*
There are nights after Tana beats the infection where she wakes up gasping. The memories have context now. There are times when her beating the infection doesn't seem real, like it was all a dream. Tana sometimes wonders if it was. On the nights when she has nightmares, Tana curls up next to Gavriel, biting the inside of her cheek so she won't cry. She isn't going to cry in front of Gavriel. Tana ignores the voice in her head telling her that it's stupid to be embarrassed about crying after a nightmare. She's cried in front of Gavriel when she was detoxing, but she was half out of her mind then, so Tana doesn't count it.

Tana hesitantly asks if Gavriel can stroke her hair and he obliges. His touch is hesitant at first, until Tana asks him if he knows any more Russian stories like the one he told her, because she doesn't want to think about her nightmares. Gavriel tells her about Baba Yaga, the witch that lived in a house that walked around on chicken legs and ate children. Gavriel tells her that there have been stories where Baba Yaga helped others, but when he was a child his nursemaid would tell him not to get out of bed or Baba Yaga would get him. Tana laughs at that image and tells Gavriel about how she was always scared of the monster in the closet.

*
Gavriel likes playing with Tana's hair and Tana enjoys it as well. Right now Tana has her head in Gavriel's lap and The Prisoner of Azkaban in front of her. It's so normal it's weird. Right now they could be a couple who simply met at a coffee shop or at a party that didn't involve murder. Tana has a sudden revelation and closes the book. “I just realized you're kind of like Sirius Black,” she announces. Gavriel's fingers still in her hair until Tana nudges him and he resumes his ministrations.

“How so?” his voice is amused.

Tana is about to explain, but then she asks, “Have you read Harry Potter? Do you know what I'm talking about?” Gavriel gives her such an unimpressed look that Tana giggles. Gavriel's really cute when he does that and the thought of the Spider and the Thorn of Istra being cute makes Tana giggle again.

“I'm aware of what you're talking about,” Gavriel tells her. “I was only locked away for ten years.”

Tana shrugs. “A lot can change in ten years. But I actually just assumed that you didn't have a chance to read them because you were busy doing Thorn stuff. Lucien basically implied you had no life because you were too busy being a Thorn. No, he said you were too busy to get a girlfriend. Actually he said girls threw themselves at you but you didn't notice.” She grins at him. “So I take it that those women you had screaming were before Lucien?”

Gavriel nods. “And how am I like Sirius Black again?” he asks.

Tana ticks off points on her fingers as she talks. “You guys were unjustly imprisoned. You both escaped prison to get revenge.” Tana pauses for a moment. “Actually, I think the main motive for Sirius was finding out Peter was at Hogwarts where Harry was, but he was gung ho about killing Peter. You guys were even imprisoned for the same amount of time, give or take a few years. You guys were both betrayed by your friends. You both have family issues. You are both ridiculously good looking.” There are probably more points Tana can think of, but Gavriel is grinning at her.

“You think I'm ridiculously good-looking?” Tana rolls her eyes, but she's grinning as she leans up to kiss Gavriel.

*
Funnily enough, Tana is less embarrassed about initiating sex than she is about asking for comfort. Tana feels more vulnerable asking for Gavriel to hold her than she does asking for sex. She doesn't like being vulnerable and she doesn't like asking for things. Tana still can't believe that Gavriel actually stuck by her. She flushes at the thought of what she must have been like. She'd like to thank him, she has thanked him, but words aren't adequate.

They fall into bed quickly enough, because Tana is attracted to Gavriel and she has wanted to do all the things that came after kissing for a long time, but it's never been the right time. First there had been all the revenge plans and elaborate plots. Tana is pretty sure that for ancient vampires lying and scheming is like a hobby for them and she wonders if these ancient vampires have mundane hobbies like playing board games. Then she had to detox and that was another eighty eight days of waiting. But Tana feels fine now, feels all keyed up because she beat the infection, she survived everything against all odds, and now she wants to go further than kissing.

It's Gavriel she has to convince. It's not because he doesn't want her or want to be with her. They're making out and Tana is on top of Gavriel. She loves how they fit together. So far they haven't done anything other than make out, but Tana wants more. She mentions it and Gavriel looks away. “Don't you want me?” Tana asks.

“I do, but-” Gavriel breaks off. He looks at Tana with a mixture of longing and fear. “I do. I want you more than I've wanted anything or anyone for a long time, but I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you.” Right. That makes sense. It's going to take more than just one talk to convince Gavriel that he deserves nice things.

Tana is more than willing to tell him that but she hopes she can find the right words. She takes a deep breath. “Look, I get you've done some shady stuff in the past. And I get that you think that you don't deserve anything nice because of that, and that probably has something to do with people telling you what a horrible person you are, even though they were just as bad if not worse. And I've already told you why that's bullshit, but if you need me to tell you again I'm more than willing. I mean, you stayed with me when I was fighting off the infection. You held my hair when I was throwing up and took care of me. You brought books for me to read. You think Lucien or any of the others would have done that? Just because you've done something bad doesn't mean you can't make amends or deserve anything nice. I want you and I want to be with you.”

Gavriel is looking at Tana with a look of hope and fear. “Really?” he asks. His hand trembles as he brushes her hair from her face.Tana nods firmly and then they're kissing again.

*
Sex with Gavriel is slow and gentle. At first Tana just assumed he didn't want to scare her, but she soon realizes that's not the full story. The fact is that Gavriel is simply thorough. He wants to learn all of Tana's erogenous zones, to see all her reactions. He has her screaming with pleasure with his tongue and fingers alone before finally sliding into her. Gavriel moves slowly and deeply, each thrust hitting a spot that makes her shudder and moan and waves of pleasure to wash over her. Gavriel seems to forget himself for a moment because he's suddenly twining her hair around his wrist and yanking so that her head jerks up and her eyes meet his. Tana gasps at the unexpectedness and the pain, but the pain feels good. Gavriel's eyes blaze like dying embers reignited by a stray wind. His lips are at her throat, sucking hard.

Gavriel pinches Tana's clit suddenly and her orgasm washes over her. Her stomach tightens impossibly and her legs tremble. She feels herself tightening and milking Gavriel. Later that night, they lie snuggled in each others arms, with Gavriel stroking Tana's hair. Tana feels pleasantly sated, like when she stretches just right and her whole body is pleasantly loose. She mutters a crack about how her cries of love measured up, and Gavriel laughs and presses a kiss to her hair.

 

HANDS

Neither Gavriel or Tana are into public displays of affection. Funny enough, they're both perfectly fine with sex in non-bedroom locations, but not kissing or any other displays of affection. Tana supposes it's the same logic that makes kissing look like the most intimate action a couple can do in porn. The most public affection they do is hold hands. Gavriel usually runs his thumb back and forth across her knuckles as they walk. Occasionally he'll kiss her hand, which prompts teasing about how he's so old-fashioned. But it's nice to hold hands, even if strolling through the streets of Coldtown isn't exactly the most romantic location ever.

*

Tana's hands are cut and bleeding from where she bit herself to get blood. Her wrists are chafed raw and bleeding from when she was chained and tried to free herself. As Gavriel breaks the chains, Tana notes that the chains holding her were pretty good. A memory flashes in Tana's head, but she doesn't have the energy to chase it right now. Her entire body aches. It seems like the pain is worse since she has a reason as to why she's in pain.

Gavriel applies ointment to the injuries and bandages them, his touch feather light. Tana dimly wonders where he got the supplies since those are in high demand, but she figures he either has connections now, or did something nefarious. Either way, Tana isn't going to complain, even if she had the energy. As Gavriel works, Tana is struck by the enormity of what has happened. About how she's survived going Cold and as soon as she has the energy she's going to do an evil cackle and twirl around maniacally because she did it, she actually did it. A grin stretches across her face.

“Thanks,” she croaks to Gavriel. “Thanks for staying with me. And for not giving me your own blood, or trying to change me or listened when I begged.”

Gavriel nods solemnly. “I told you one night it you would ask me for something I could not give,” he told her.

“I'm glad you didn't,” Tana says. Gavriel presses a kiss to her hand.

*
Tana is nervous about watching the footage. She had wanted to show everyone what detoxing would be like, how the world of vampires wasn't all glamorous,but she can't bring herself to watch the footage. Tana tries to give herself a pep talk. She's survived so much- watching the footage should be nothing. But Tana's been operating on survival instinct and adrenaline for the most part, with the vague goal of don't get killed, and don't become a vampire. But now later has come. She tries to rationalize why she's so scared of looking at footage. She's managed not to run away screaming after waking up to see all her classmates murdered and three vampires. Compared to that, watching footage should be nothing.

It's because she's scared to see herself, Tana realizes. She doesn't want to see what she's like when she's boiled down to a sauce. She doesn't want to see herself as she really is. Gavriel is sitting next to her. He hasn't spoke until now. “I believe that when couples go to see a horror movie, they hold hands during the scary part. Would you like to do that?”

Tana stares at him for a minute before snorting. “Are you saying this is like a horror movie?” she asks. She isn't sure whether she should be insulted, but she is amused. “Does watching footage of me detoxing count as a date?” It actually makes a bit of sense. Gavriel has said that he was going to sit by Tana as if she had a normal sickness and he actually has. She supposes for them watching videos of her detoxing was the equivalent of having a quiet movie night indoors. Tana feels lighter suddenly and squeezes Gavriel's hand.

Tana watches herself on screen in fascination. At first she's just embarrassed about how high pitched and childish her voice sounds. But as she watches more of the footage, Tana begins to wonder if maybe the theories about vampires being possessed by something else is true, because Tana can't imagine herself acting like that. She's feral, snarling, lunging in the chains for Gavriel like some sort of wild animal. As her teeth sink into her arms, Tana's reminded of trapped animals gnawing their limbs off to escape a trap. Gavriel restrains her, and Tana howls, thrashing like a wild animal and biting.

“Do you think that's really what I'm like?” Tana's voice is small.

Gavriel pauses the video before turning towards Tana. “Like what?” he asks.

Tana points to the screen. In the video Tana had been screaming at Gavriel, threatening to kill him. “Like that! The kind of person who attacks and threatens people so she can get what she wants.” Gavriel stares for a moment, his eyes wide. “Why would you think such a thing?” he asks.

“You said that being infected means that we're boiled down to a sauce, that it's ourselves as we really are.” Gavriel's brow furrows as he tries to work out what Tana is talking about. Realization crosses his face and he groans, burying his face in his hands.

“I didn't mean it like that.” He sounds so young as he says it. Gavriel doesn't say anything for another moment and Tana remembers what he said about keeping thoughts clearly ordered and wonders if that's the case. Her point is proven a moment later when Gavriel says, “I never meant to imply- of course I don't think you're like that- I merely meant-” he breaks off. Tana reaches for his hand. Gavriel runs his thumb across her knuckles and that actually seems to help him concentrate.

“Of course I don't believe you're the type of person to attack and scream at others without just cause. Being infected is like being reduced to your baser instincts. That's a better way of putting it. You lose the ability to reason. Your ability to reason why this is a poor decision, why you shouldn't do a certain thing, is gone. You simply want instant gratification. And then it's desperation, because you feel like if you just get this one thing, everything will be fine. You were desperate and in pain. That's not a reflection of who you really are.”

“And who am I really?” Tana means for the words to come out sarcastic, but her voice trembles. Gavriel takes Tana's face in his hands and turns it towards him. It's like a reversal of that time they were at Lucien's.

“What you really are is compassionate. You try to save everyone, simply because you believe they need saving. You're someone who is capable of surviving anything.”

It's not like she has low self-esteem, but she's always been realistic about the fact that she's average- pretty enough but not gorgeous, okay grades but nothing that could get her a full ride to a college, and no spectacular talents. Although she might have to add not curling into a ball and crying and praying everything will be over to her list of skills after all this, but it's not like Tana can list that on a resume.

So yeah, Tana is fine with being perfectly average, but hearing someone say how compassionate she is, makes her simultaneously want to cover her ears so she can't hear it, and make them repeat it again and again. And she might have said the same things to herself as a pep talk when she was about to detox, but hearing it from someone else makes it seem realer. Tana remembers what she told Gavriel about seeing himself the way she saw him and figures she can try to see herself the way he sees her.

“Thanks,” she says. “I guess it was your turn to give the pep talk. I am sorry for attacking you, though. And cursing you out.”

Gavriel simply waves her off. “You aren't the first person to attack me,” he says matter of factly. “And I've been insulted for worse reasons.” Tana reaches for his hand again as Gavriel clicks play.

*
HIPS

For the record, Tana may have felt bad about insulting Gavriel when she was detoxing, but she does not feel guilty for insulting him now. Or she wouldn't feel guilty about insulting him if Tana was coherent enough to think of insults. They've been intimate enough times for Tana to realize that Gavriel is a freaking tease. Some might say that dating one of the older vampires meant they had a lot of experience (which was the truth) but the downside was that they also had enough time to develop patience. Gavriel spent ten years being tortured before his opportunity came, so he isn't really bothered by Tana's threats, or pleas.

Tana's underwear is off and her dress is pushed up. The cold air against her vagina makes her shiver. Gavriel hasn't touched her there as yet. Instead he's spent the time sucking on the back of her knees, which Tana has never known could be so sensitive. Then he's stroking her inner thighs and his hand brushes against her a few times. Not enough to satisfy her, but enough to have her wanting more. Tana swears at him, but Gavriel has been sworn at enough times to be able to ignore her.

Finally, after an age, Gavriel finally reaches her vagina. He laps at her gently, lightly, with long strokes from top to bottom. Tana's hips buck, but Gavriel holds her down. His hands gently massage her hips as he continues lapping at her. Tana wants him to lick her harder, but Gavriel only says that Cosmopolitan says that oral sex should start out slowly. Tana gapes, distracted, before finally demanding if he actually has read Cosmopolitan. Hypothetically, Gavriel could have gotten bored at some point in his life and glanced through the magazine, but he has a really good poker face so Tana isn't sure if Gavriel is just teasing her or not.
Still, it makes her laugh and Tana notes how nice it is to laugh with him, even in the middle oral sex.

Gavriel stops with the broad strokes and begins alternating between sucking at licking at her labia. Tana moans because she's never realized her labia is so sensitive. Suddenly Gavriel adds a finger, briefly stroking her clit and then stroking down further, gathering the wetness. He strokes slowly, softly, but doesn't penetrate her. Tana would move her hips to get Gavriel's finger to go deeper or at least to get some friction if Gavriel doesn't have such a firm grip on her hips.

Gavriel strokes her clit again and his finger moves much more smoothly due to the wetness. The indication of how wet she's gotten turns Tana on. Gavriel keeps on finger lightly stroking her clit as he lifts Tana up to his face and buries his tongue inside her. Tana screams as a mini orgasm washes over her. Gavriel's tongue is hot and wet and wriggling inside of her and Tana's muscles clench around it. Tana's fingers yank at Gavriel's hair. Gavriel removes his tongue and Tana barely draws breath to protest before Gavriel is crooking a finger inside of her and rubbing against a spot that makes her mind go blank. He experiments with different areas on her clit. Licking the very tip of the clit makes Tana scream.

Gavriel's hands dig into Tana's hips, holding her immobile, otherwise Tana is sure she'd be writhing and squirming. Suddenly Gavriel does something with his fingers and tongue that makes Tana's mind white out. She's read sex stories before and she's always thought it was bullshit that people would see stars during orgasms. It's never happened when she masturbated. Tana doesn't see stars and her vision doesn't go white. Instead waves of pleasure radiate from her entire body and her back arches. Tears prick at her eyes. Tana is unable to register anything around her as her thighs tremble and she comes all over Gavriel's face.

Later, Tana lays with her head on Gavriel's chest. His arm around her, holding her securely. “Did you learn that from Cosmopolitan?” she asks sleepily.

Gavriel's voice is matter-of-fact as he replies, “No, I learned it from a hooker in a brothel in Paris.”

*
Tana and Gavriel's first time having sex in a public place happens by accident. They've been intimate before, but they haven't really discussed any kinks such as exhibitionism. For the most part those things have just been things Tana has read about. She's never really given certain kinks much thought, but she isn't opposed to trying some out. Gavriel and Tana are talking, about nothing interesting in particular when Tana feels her hair being grabbed. Before Tana can stop to think, she's reaching for her stake because she's learned never to go unarmed in Coldtown.

Her stake hits flesh and a snarl of pain reaches her ears. The grip on her hair loosens. Gavriel holds the vampire up by his throat. The vampire's leg kick at the air as if he's pedaling a bicycle and Gavriel's hand simply tightens. He turns to Tana and inclines his head. “Would you like to do the honors?” he asks, and Tana steps forward. The vampire thrashes some more and it reminds Tana of a fish on a hook. Maybe in another life or in another time Tana would have felt guilty or hesitated. But this Tana puts her whole body into the thrust as she buries the stake into the vampire's heart.

Tana's heart races at the close call. Stupid, stupid, stupid. They should have been paying more attention. Tana turns to Gavriel to say something, she isn't sure what, when Gavriel kisses her. The kiss is hard and dominating and Tana briefly thinks that maybe her staking a vampire is a turn on for him. Gavriel pushes Tana against the wall and kisses her like he wants to devour her. They're scrabbling at each other's clothes and Gavriel is lifting Tana easily by her hips. Tana loves it when Gavriel is rough with her and a shudder goes through her. The sex is rough and fast, with Gavriel slamming into her and Tana clawing at his back. They reach orgasm relatively quickly. After they straighten out their clothes, Tana says, “I guess I can cross alley sex off my bucket list.” She looks at Gavriel. “Since you're technically immortal and won't die, does that mean a bucket list would be kind of redundant?”

*
Gavriel loves to spoon. Tana first became aware of the habit after they had sex for the first time. Gavriel had clamped his hands securely around her waist and dragged Tana against his chest. Now every time they're intimate, Gavriel pulls Tana close and nuzzles her hair. When they're sleeping Gavriel's arms are securely around her waist.

On the nights when Tana can't sleep because she's terrified she'll have nightmares, Gavriel pulls her close. Tana breathes in the scent of him until she relaxes against his chest. She knows it's dumb and irrational, but having Gavriel's arms around her makes her feel like nothing can hurt her. Being the little spoon makes her feel safe. She fits securely between Gavriel's arms and she feels like she's being shielded. On the nights where Gavriel has the nightmares, Tana is the big spoon. She holds him tightly, as if that could take away the pain and everything he's been through. She remembers how Gavriel has told her stories when she had nightmares and she can't really think of any stories, so she decides to make him laugh. Tana does this by pretending to be a jet pack. She loves the sound of Gavriel's laughter.

*
Gavriel is less shy about touching her now. There's no hesitation when he pulls Tana in for a kiss or strokes her hair. Tana has become more tactile in turn, dropping into Gavriel's lap or playing with his hair while he reads. As Gavriel places a kiss on Tana's forehead her only thought is that she loves having a monster of her very own.