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Sometimes, Ayano likes to yell. Or... she yells. She doesn’t like to, because she doesn’t like anything. When Mother and Father aren’t home, she yells. No specific words. Just yelling, to see what happens. To see if she feels. But she can’t. Not yet. Not until she falls in love.
And sometimes she gets... she gets impatient. She jumps around her room and yells and beats on the walls, trying to feel anything. She organizes weddings between herself and her toys, trying to find love. And in the end, she lays down with all her plush husbands and wives, and thinks... ‘At least I don’t have to worry about falling out of love. Or getting bloody.’ She pets her favorite oni doll. ‘Blood is really messy.’
That’s about all she can really feel. The stress of things being messy. She’s learned that she doesn’t like messy things. The stickiness of messy things on her hands makes her sick. When she does kitchen work, she often wears little child sized gloves, tough and black, so if she gets clumsy, her skin won’t be pierced, and she won’t make a yucky, sticky, slimy mess. One day, though, she’ll be normal. Just like how Mother says she will.
She wonders what will happen when she falls in love. Will she grow wings and fly away? That would be nice. Flying sounds... like it might be fun.
Birds don’t have to worry about schoolwork, or messes. About girls buried under sakura trees, or Fathers who sometimes leave without getting up, and leave their bodies behind to stare into space. One day, she’ll sprout wings and fly away with her loved one. She wonders if her loved one will like birds too.
Ayano picks out a crow plush for her prize for completing her chores for the week.
His name is Kokuro. He’s the holder of her heart, and she’ll transform into him when she’s old enough. Kokuro likes tea. Father is amused at the brown stain on his beak from when he drinks it, but warns her not to let him have any. Mother gets mad at her for it, and holds her arm really tightly. Kokuro has to stop drinking tea after that.
One day, Ayano is bored. Mother and Father are gone. So she goes into the bathroom, climbs onto her stool, and watches herself in the mirror. She puts Kokuro on the counter so he can watch, too. Mother told her that love requires sacrifice. And she’s tired of feeling so little.
Ayano gets out the scissors.
Mother is not pleased that Ayano used the good scissors to cut her hair so close to her scalp that she bled, and only sighed when she told her that she was just trying to sacrifice her hair for love. Mother goes out and buys new scissors. Father puts cut cream on the cuts on her scalp, and brushes it so that it looks nice.
It makes people stare, but Ayano can’t feel shame anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
Or maybe they’re staring at the bruise on her wrist from where Mother smacked her with the knife in the holster. She deserved it, of course. When you do bad things, you get punished.
She goes out to a party on Saturday, for her Mother and Father’s jobs. She has to wear shoes with a part that makes her taller, and an itchy pink dress. They don’t let her bring Kokuro.
Once inside, she doesn’t like it. It’s loud. Adults all talk at once. She doesn’t have Kokuro, so she can’t hold him close and pat his back, where her heart is. All the noises are combining together...
And it’s messy. It’s so icky and messy and it makes her feel like someone poured blood in her ears and she doesn’t like it. Why can’t she fall in love now? She just wants to fly away. She just wants to fly away!! The adults are whispering about her, because she’s on the floor and she’s clutching her ears. Why can’t she feel? Why do they have to whisper? Why, why, why, why does everything have to be so messy?
Suddenly someone touches her by the shoulder, pulling insistently, and she screams. She screams loud, because she doesn’t want these messy, icky people touching her! She doesn’t want it! She wants Kuroko!! She wants emotions and wings!! She wants to leave!!
‘They know, now.’ a mean voice in her head chides. ‘They know you’re a monster. An icky monster who left her heart at home. Loves requires sacrifice, and you didn’t give enough!’ The voice continues to crow at her. It sounds like Mother. She pushes and pushes until it’s gone, and she’s on the floor, curled up with her hands protecting her head.
Everything’s really quiet now. She looks up. There’s a white version of Kokuro in front of her, staring at her. Except Kokuro is a boy, and this is a pretty girl, in a pretty dress.
“Are you okay, now?” Koshiro asks. There’s a man with white hair nearby, looking at something. Someone. Ayano turns around.
Mother and Father are a little bit behind her. Father looks worried. Mother looks displeased. Ayano doesn’t like that look, because it never means good things.
So she turns back to Koshiro. “I’m okay. I’m sorry.” She whispers. You’re supposed to apologize when you make big mistakes.
“No need. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Koshiro says, offering her hand. “Father says that you got overwhelmed. Your parents should have known better.” She says it like it’s obvious.
Ayano takes her hand, and Koshiro pulls her up gently. “My name is Saikou Megami. Father is going to have a serious talk with your parents. You can come to my room. What do you like to play?” She asks formally, with a smile in her eyes.
“I like to play house. I like to be the wife and to make sure the house is perfect for the husband.” Ayano tells her. Saikou, the father, raises his eyebrows in surprise. Ayano distantly thinks about mimicking him, but Saikou-Koshiro is pulling her up the grand staircase, and talking in her soothing, clean voice.
“I like to play being Emperor. You can be the Empress and help me settle deals with people from across the world.” Saikou-Koshiro says. Ayano is shocked that the wife is allowed to do something important, but Koshiro probably knows what she’s doing better than Ayano.
It turns out that being Empress is fun. She likes helping Koshiro make deals. She likes helping. It’s much more fun than being by herself and doing everything herself. Ayano asks if they can be winged rulers, because she likes flying. Koshiro says that she can be the Raven Empress, and Koshiro can be the Crane Emperor.
Fifteen minutes later, they’ve made a deal with the Tanuki to provide the winged people with goods if they let the Tanuki live on their land. Fifteen minutes after that, they make a deal with the Kappas, who are played by a butler. Within another fifteen minutes, they’re making a deal with the Americans.
Koshiro-Megami says she’s been to America. She’s gonna let Ayano come with next time.
An hour later, a servant brings up Kokuro, and Ayano hugs him tightly, hugs the vessel of her heart. But then she realizes that not all of her heart is in there anymore. She looks for it, and finds herself looking right at Megami.
Oh.
She has the other half.
Ayano holds out her arms for a hug, and Megami hugs her tightly. Seconds later, the two six year olds are inseparable.
“You aren’t dangerous.” Megami whispers.
“Being dangerous is messy.” Ayano whispers back.
Megami giggles, and when Ayano giggles back, it’s not as forced. Hours later, Ayano is sleeping in Megami’s bed with her, because they didn’t want to be separated. Mother isn’t back yet. But that’s ok. Her heart is here, now.