Chapter Text
He’s waiting outside in your living room. The timer is set for three minutes. You realise you didn’t decide beforehand if you’d go out to be by him for the time, or stay here alone. You stare at the green tiles.
This is the first of three possible tries, your doctor told you. Told you, ‘don’t be disappointed if this one doesn’t take’. You’re silently sure you’d have been more thoughtful in choosing words than that, had you gone into medicine.
Feelings of desperation swirl around you, as you try hard to balance your emotions on a knife's edge, forcing you to wonder if it’s worth it. Being engulfed and consumed by something beyond your control is an uncomfortable state of being for most people. For you, who gathers calm from order, a tidy apartment, a finished report; near impossible.
Out of control is fighting cancer. Fighting for your life. Now, you want another life. Another you… and Mulder. Only Mulder…
You try to manifest some control. If there’s only one line, you tell yourself, you’ll only go once more. Just once, not twice. You’re telling yourself this to soothe… It’s not working.
The tinny ring of the buzzer snaps you out of your reverie.
...
One. Blue. Line.
How can so much meaning and weight be placed on one tiny, blue chemical reaction?
You don’t want to cry but the tears come in spite of yourself. You sink down onto the toilet lid, continue to sink until your head is in your hands.
Too many things are churning in your head and you can’t catch onto a single one.
Then a knock. A gentle knocking.
He’s knocking.
You all but forgot he was out there.
Now he’s coming in.
You’re wiping your face and straightening up. He’s moving into you. Kneeling in front of you. Doesn’t bother to ask, he knows. He sweeps you into a hug. Kisses your forehead and rubs your back.
You make noises as you cry again and wet his shirt, swipe your face dry as you turn your head to settle at his chest. He stays there with you until you stop trembling.
He leans back and cups your face. He’s bestowing you the gentlest, softest, kindest look. You blush.
He kisses the moisture from each of your cheeks and tells you he won’t give up.
You promise yourself that if he won’t, then neither will you.