Chapter Text
N: You think- you think Facebook employees make fun of Zuck?
C: Oh, yeah, dude. For sure. Could you imagine working at that company and not just wanting to clown him all the time? He’s legit one of the weirdest people ever.
N: Yeah, I think so too. Super smart, obviously, but…
C: I… you know, conspiracy theory alert, but… I don’t think he’s even a real person. [laughing] I’m not sure he’s even capable of being offended by that shit. They probably don’t even bother to not use the company server.
N: [laughing] Now that you’ve said that we’re definitely going to meet him.
C: Oh, 100%, dude. 100%. That’s like, the only reason I name drop famous people on the podcast now is because I know it will ensure that we get to meet ‘em.
N: [Noel leaned away from the mic to laugh then leaned back] Oh shit, god, can you imagine?
C: The ol’ Zuckerino, in the flesh.
N: Mark… Mark Guckerberg of… of Fuckbook.
C: Nice, dude.
N: Thanks, man.
C: Mark Guckerberg of… face… of FaceFuckbook. [Cody looked at the camera and raised his eyebrows.]
N: There it is.
C: Got ‘em.
[The two grinned and played with their jeans. About 5 seconds of silence passed.]
C: [Cody abruptly sat up, animated] Alright guys, that’s it for us. New merch in the store, tickets still available…
[They both crumpled in laughter.]
N: Could you imagine if we ended the episode on that?
C: I mean… [Cody looked at his phone and sighed] fuck, we do actually have to go though.
N: [Noel squinted at the phone] Oh, shit. [He cackled hoarsely.]
C: So yeah, for real – new merch available, still some tickets available for the Canada shows, uh… make sure you’re following us on social media for updates, and uh… we… we appreciate you. We love you guys.
N: For sure, and uh… you know, stay… stay gucking.
C: [Cody let out an exasperated laugh] Or don’t, that’s fine too.
N: Yeah, I mean, guck rights.
C: Jesus… [Cody cradled his face in his palm] Ugh, okay. Bye, guys. Love you.
N: Peace!
Cody got up from the orange chair to turn the camera off at that same time that Noel’s phone rang.
“Oh shit, it’s Mahzahd. She’s probably pissed.”
Noel accepted the call. “Hey, I’m really sorry, we’re leaving now-”
Cody was wrapping up cords and setting them on the table. He’d become paranoid about water damaging their electronics after his place had flooded.
“Oh… okay, b-… because we were late, or-“
Cody stopped to look at Noel. “Is she pissed? What’s up?” he whispered.
Noel put his hand out as if to say stop and then gave the OK sign.
Cody whispered again, “Noel, what- what does that mean?”
Noel grimaced and covered the mouth piece with his hand. “Fucking chill out,” he said softly.
Noel turned around and put his hand on his hip. Cody shook his head and continued putting stuff away.
“Okay…” Noel said into the phone. “Jesus, that’s… no, I think your judgement is… yeah, that isn’t something we’d be willing to deal with. Even if… exactly… Okay, cool… yeah, no worries… okay… yeah, sounds good, you too… okay. Peace.”
Noel turned around and shoved the phone in his pocket.
“Dude…” he said slowly. “Guess what happened with the TV producer we were meeting today.”
Cody shook his head. “I… I don’t know, dude, are they okay? Did they get in a car accident or something?”
“Bro…” Noel scratched both sides of his head. “They caught a charge in a sex trafficking case involving minors.”
Cody’s eyes widened. “What the fuck? Are you serious?”
“Dead serious.”
Cody looked at the ground and looked back at Noel in shock. “Dude, what the fuck?”
“Crazy, right?” Noel said, still rubbing his scalp. “It’s what we always talk about, man: rich people love fucking kids.”
“Oh, god.” Cody recoiled and faked a retching sound. “So gross, man. I will never understand that shit, on, like, every level. Number one, why would you want to be with actual children, and two, how could you live with yourself? Like, how do these people sleep at night knowing they’re basically messing these kids up for life?”
“Dude, I know. Like, I… I’m a freak, but… it’s not even close, like… blech.” Noel stuck his tongue out in disgust.
“God, I know. Like, we're 90s kids so we were raised on internet porn or whatever, but… no. It’s not even comparable. I don’t even like hearing about it. I actually feel sick just from thinking about the fact that this guy exists and we could have gone into business with him.”
“I know. Shit’s crazy. We dodged a bullet for sure.”
Cody and Noel stood in silence for a moment, staring at the ground.
“Damn…” Cody was still struggling to process what just transpired, his arms tight across his chest. “I… I feel like I need a drink. My schedule is wide open now. You want to go somewhere?”
“Uh, actually, if you’re down, Aleena’s out of town and I got a surprise shipment this morning of alcoholic kombucha from the boy GT.”
“What? Why did he send it to you?” Cody whined, making Noel chuckle.
“It’s… dude. I think he just had to send it to one of us. Maybe Mahzahd told him between the two of us I was less likely to give myself alcohol poisoning with it.”
“Okay, you know…” Cody waved his hands around. “You have a fatal amount of alcohol in your system one time and suddenly everyone’s like, 'we can’t trust this guy with alcohol!' I’m sick of it.”
“Mmmm, yeah… that’s… mmmm, you’re definitely being oppressed here.”
Cody picked up his bag and shut off the lights.
“Let’s go get blasted, man.”
---
Noel’s apartment looked a little different every time Cody was there. He always felt like he was dropped into one of those “Spot the Difference” games they put in children’s magazines and his task was to identify what was new or missing. This time he saw it almost as soon as they walked through the door.
“You guys got rid of the eat thing?” he asked Noel, sliding off his shoes.
“Uhhh…” Noel was in the Kitchen already, pulling out the case of kombucha. “What?”
“The thing, the letters… the E-A-T thing in the kitchen,” Cody repeated as he sunk into the couch, almost crushing Ollie and being immediately grateful that Noel was preoccupied.
“Oh, yeah. Aleena just got sick of it and donated it.” Noel walked over with the booze.
“You know, what you should have done… is rearrange the letters so it said tea… eh? T-E-A? Bet you didn’t think about that,” Cody teased, toasting a bottle to Noel.
“Wow, Cody, that’s… amazing. The power that has, the insight that has… we really need to consult you next time we change something in our place.”
Cody leaned back and kicked his legs up onto the coffee table, placing one hand behind his head. “Yeah, you know, it’s what I’m known for in the biz. I can have my manager get in touch with you, set something up.”
“Oh? What’s your managers name?” Noel pushed, playing along.
“Ah, you know,” Cody said, pausing to take a drink. “You wouldn’t know her, she’s… you know, she only deals with big time clients like me.”
Cody brought the kombucha to his lips again without breaking eye contact and Noel broke, causing Cody to choke and laugh through his nose.
“God, we are so fucking stupid,” Noel groaned.
Noel reached behind the couch and picked up a clear bong. He set it on the coffee table and walked towards the bedroom he shared with Aleena.
“Wow, that’s a sigg piece,” Cody ribbed.
“Thanks, Corbin. Means a lot from a pussy bitch like you.”
Cody smiled to himself and finished the first bottle of kombucha, reading the label.
“God, this shit fucks. You can’t even taste that it’s 10% ABV.”
Noel walked back into the living room with a small wooden box.
“You need anything before I sit down?” Noel asked. Cody could already smell the weed.
“No, I’m good man. I think these 10 bottles should last me for a little bit.”
Noel sat down next to Cody. “Can I try some of yours? I’ve actually never had it.”
Cody looked at Noel, offended. “You’ve never had kombucha?”
“No, I’ve had, like, the kind you get at the grocery store with the juices and stuff. I’ve never had this stuff.”
Cody nodded and handed him the bottle. Noel took a small sip.
“Oh, shit.” Noel’s face lit up. “Damn.” He took a larger gulp. “That shit’s fire.”
“It’s good right?” Cody felt validated.
“Definitely.”
Noel opened his stash box and rummaged through baggies. Cody watched as Noel removed the bowl from his piece and dumped the charred contents onto the coffee table.
“Don’t… tell Aleena I did that,” Noel muttered.
Cody watched as Noel removed a nug from a baggie and broke it into smaller pieces, and then those pieces into smaller pieces, and so on.
“You don’t use a thing? The turny thing?” Cody asked.
Noel grinned. “A grinder? No. I probably should, but… this is how I started when I was a teenager and I just kind of stuck with it. I think I like the ritual of it, and I feel like the fine… shred or whatever that you get from the grinder burns too fast. Also, I actually like the smell it leaves on your hands.”
Cody nodded, feeling the numbing of the booze creep on. “You know, it’s weird… for a long time my only experiences with weed were pretty negative, like it was either in the context of a crappy party or me trying it on my own and freaking out and hating it, but like, smelling it on you all the time… and I guess associating it with something positive, like our friendship or whatever… I like the smell now.”
Cody took a sip. Noel rubbed his fingers together to get most of the debris off and brought one of his hands near Cody’s face, careful not to touch him. His forearm barely grazed Cody’s chest and Cody leaned forward and inhaled. A look of contentment washed over his face and he nodded.
“Yeah, man. I’m into that. Sometimes I think about looking for a cologne that kind of smells like that but I don’t want people assuming I’m high all the time… more than they already do, anyway.”
Noel grinned and packed the bowl before dropping it in. He grabbed a torch and ran it over the surface as he inhaled, filling the chamber with white smoke as the piece bubbled. Cody watched Noel’s chest expand and watched him bring his head up in one fluid motion, eyes closed, motionless for a moment before exhaling slowly. Noel immediately brought his mouth down to clear the chamber and set the piece on the table before leaning back.
Cody emptied the second bottle of kombucha and opened another.
“God, this beats sitting in a fucking meeting.”
Noel shook his head. “You are not kidding, b.” Noel leaned forward to hit the bong again, this time slower to remove the torch. He realized and lifted the bowl but it was too late – the smoke that hit his lungs was thick and he coughed and shook his head.
“Fuck.” His voice was hoarse. “That’s the only shit…” Noel coughed into his shoulder. “That’s the only shit I don’t like about smoking with a piece, is your… your muscle… thing, your…”
Cody looked at Noel and could tell he was lightheaded. “You good?”
“Fuck…” Noel said, his voice even lower and now raspy from being torched from the hit. He grabbed a bottle of kombucha off the table and cracked it, taking a sip.
“Bruh…” Cody said with surprise. “You’re trying to get cross-faded right now?”
Noel shook his head. “Nah, man. I just needed something for my throat.”
He fingered the bowl and continued, “Man, how did I do that? I cashed that shit in two hits.”
While Noel was repacking, Cody pulled himself up and went to the fridge, grabbing two waters and bringing them back to the table.
“Thanks, dude.” Noel was sprinkling shatter on top of a new bowl.
“What’s the purpose of that?”
“It’s- hold on, let me hit this. I’m tired of being able to feel my face.”
Noel put his mouth to the piece, the torch now adjusted to provide a smaller flame. He inhaled and filled the chamber and cleared it in one go. He exhaled and closed his eyes, leaning back.
“So… what I just put on top is usually called shatter, it’s kinda the same thing as the resin that you’ll see build up on a pipe or whatever, but obviously… they have a more sophisticated process so there’s no, like, degradation or…” Noel trailed off.
Cody didn’t really get it. “Hmmm, okay.”
Noel continued, “It’s just concentrated weed, basically. The one that I have there is a high CBD strain. It’s called Cannatonic which is super lame but I add it to other strains I like to make the high less, like, you know, stimulating or whatever.”
Cody eyed Noel. “Oh, wow. You’re a… you’re a weedboy. You get, you get high on the weekends and watch 4k bong rips on the big screen?”
Noel groaned. “Stop, I hate that shit. I love weed, man, but weed culture… ugh. Just get faded and shut the fuck up, why you gotta be so extra about it? Nobody cares.”
“I’m fucking with you, man. I don’t… there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. You can rip that bong with your ass if you want, I won't judge.”
Noel chuckled and looked at Cody. “You should try it,” he said softly. “The blend, not the… not the ass rips or whatever.”
Cody scrunched up his face in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? You want me to smoke your cat- your cant- your Pentatonix super weed? When I’ve already been drinking? Do you hate me that much?”
Noel shook his head. “No, dude. This combo is…” Noel thought of the best way to describe it and settled on doing a chef’s kiss. “I wouldn’t tell you to do it if I thought it would hurt you.”
Cody thought about it for a second and crossed his arms. “I don’t know, man.”
“Don’t stress about it. I’m not trying to peer pressure you or whatever. I just, you know… I know you like to have a good time and, you know, I want you to feel good.”
Noel opened a water bottle, crushing half of it in one go. Cody watched Noel’s neck flex as he swallowed.
Cody sighed and put his kombucha down, gesturing to the bong.
“Okay, I’ll try it, but I don’t… I’ve never like, used a pipe like this before. I don’t know how to use it.”
Noel chuckled. “Okay, well, first of all, it’s a bong, you fucking narc.”
Cody threw his hands up by his head. “Oh, sorry I’m not a fucking, you know, weed expert. Sorry I don’t hang out on, like, iloveweedandcameras.org or whatever it is you do.”
Noel laughed and it turned into a wheeze and a cough.
“Okay, stay there, I know what to do.”
Noel dropped to his knees and scooted between Cody’s legs. He picked up the bong and raked the bowl lightly. He looked up at Cody.
“I’m going to hold it and light it and all that, all you have to is inhale when I tell you. Don’t overthink it.”
Cody nodded and leaned forward as Noel lifted the piece.
Noel slowly brought the torch over the bowl. “Inhale. Now. Harder.” Noel lifted the torch and the chamber continued to fill with smoke as the plant matter combusted. “Lift your head.” Cody complied, his eyes now closed. “Exhale slowly.”
Cody exhaled, his hand still on the piece, overlapping with Noel’s fingers to stabilize it. He felt his lungs contract at the end of his exhale. He coughed gently into his shoulder and cleared his throat.
“You good?” Noel asked.
Cody nodded. He leaned forward to clear the chamber. His felt like he could hear television static.
“Let’s do one more,” his voice already rougher after one hit. “Same thing.”
Noel repeated the process, holding the torch a little bit longer than he meant to when Cody inhaled. He dropped the torch and pulled out the bowl.
“Shit, head up.”
Cody had a pained look on his face.
“Oh… fuck…” he croaked before starting to exhale, coughing almost immediately.
Noel quickly cleared the chamber and set it on the table. Cody bypassed the water and reached for a kombucha, emptying the contents into his mouth and wincing.
“Ow, fuck.” Cody sputtered and coughed.
Noel sighed and squeezed Cody’s thighs. “Sorry, dude. You got charred. I’m… I’m high as shit so my reflexes aren’t great. I’m…”
Noel climbed back on the couch. Cody breathed deeply and leaned back into the sofa, first grabbing another bottle of kombucha.
“Yo…” Cody looked at Noel. “Yo, it obviously hasn’t totally hit me yet but this already feels way different than the last time I smoked.”
Noel smiled. “I told you, man.”
Cody and Noel sat in silence as the high set in.
“Damn,” Cody said, eyes half open. “I am feeling… no pain.”
He looked at Noel who was nursing a kombucha. “Did you take mine?”
Noel nodded. “Yeah, I’m… you shouldn’t finish this whole thing by yourself after those hits.”
Cody looked at Noel suspiciously. “What, and you should?”
Noel ignored Cody, instead rubbing his hand up and down his own arm, giving himself goosebumps.
“Yo, I can’t remember if we’ve talked about this… you ever have high sex?” Noel asked.
Cody thought about it, now slumped into the couch with his hands on his stomach. “I feel like… I feel like I tried once and it just didn’t… I think the one time I tried it I was like, too high? Like I was already uncomfortable.”
Noel nodded. “It’s crazy how different people react. Some dudes, like, can’t get hard, some dudes can get hard but can’t cum, some dudes it makes them cum almost immediately.”
“You think it’s the same for women?”
“I think so, yeah.”
Cody stared at his hands on his stomach, alternating flexing his fingers and making a fist.
“So, which one are you?”
“What?” Noel said.
“Which one… are you, like does it…”
“Oh,” Noel chuckled. “Oh, I’m- I’m team horny, all day.”
Cody laughed. “Really?”
“Oh yeah, like… not to be TMI but it’s annoying, you know? ‘cause a lot of the time when I’m getting high, it’s like… there’s a window to get high, but there’s no real… opportunity to nut, you know what I’m saying?”
“Mmmmm. Mmhmmm.”
They sat in silence for a minute until Cody broke through.
“Do you think… do you think the Guckerberg bit was too much? You think we should cut it?”
Noel furrowed his brow. “I… I don’t think so. I feel like we’ve said way crazier shit. What… what’s your issue with it?”
Cody was rubbing the sides of his neck and looking at the ceiling. “I don’t know, like… it just felt really explicit for some reason. Maybe because he’s a real person? I don’t know. I guess we did the cum in my ass bit really heavily and nobody complained.”
“One of my best,” Noel said proudly.
Cody continued, “This might sound crazy but... I think it’s the reference to facefucking that’s giving me pause.”
“Really?” Noel raised his eyebrows.
“Yeah, like… I think it’s because I associate it with like… you know that… ugh, you know that website, like, F*cial Ab*se or whatever? It comes up as an ad on the porn tube sites a lot.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen that.”
“I think it’s because I associate it with that which is just like, a degradation of women thing. It’s not like, an equal opportunity… I don’t know.”
Noel could see the gears turning in Cody’s head. Noel rubbed his hands over his face and tried to organize his thoughts.
“I don’t know, I think it’s hard because, like… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with facefucking necessarily, you know? Like, I wouldn’t think less of a guy who was into it because it’s just a… power and dominance thing which seems like a pretty normal sex thing that people have. But, I will say, that particular porn does make me mad uncomfortable too, so… I get it if, you know, you can’t break the association and you want to take the bit out, just so you don’t have to think about it anymore.”
Cody nodded but Noel wasn’t convinced he’d actually heard a single word. He seemed lost inside himself.
Ollie waltzed into the room and up to the couch. Noel picked him up and started playing with his ears.
“Have you ever done it?” Cody was looking at Noel now. “Face… you know, facefucking?”
“Me?” Noel laughed. “No, I’m… man, have we never talked about this?”
“I mean, we’ve talked about sex for sure.”
Noel shook his head. “No, like, I haven’t told you about what I actually like?”
Cody thought about it. “I mean, not specifically. I’m not sure when that would have come up.”
“I… I’m… I’m a sub, like I’m super submissive in bed, and like… a huge masochist, too, like it overlaps for me.”
There was a moment of silence while Cody processed.
“What?!” Cody’s voice pitched to a frequency Noel didn’t know adult men could make.
Noel clutched his chest, wheezing from laughter at Cody’s response.
“Wait, Noel, are you serious?” Cody was breathless with surprise.
“Yeah, dude.” Noel wiped tears from his eyes. “Your reaction is killing me. If only you fucking knew what a depraved piece of shit I was, dude.”
Cody looked at Noel in awe. “But you’re such a control freak, man. I never, like…”
“Uh, so are you, buddy. It’s like the number one conflict in our working relationship.”
Cody knew he was right.
Noel was chuckling to himself again. “Are you a sub, too? Are we just a couple of little bitch boys?”
Cody groaned. “Honestly, I wish. I’m… ugh, I’m so gross, dude. I’m like, a bad person.”
Cody was pulling threads from the rips in his jeans, battling with himself at the same time that the weed was peaking in his system. It wasn’t ideal.
At some point during the conversation Noel had started methodically running his fingers through his own hair.
Noel pressed Cody. “What do you mean?”
“Like… I like that, you know, hard, almost sadistic stuff. Like, facefucking but also... restraining people, choking… stuff like spitting and slapping and, like, saying awful shit… it sounds so fucking bad but I get off on people feeling, like, trapped and… and hurt and degraded and.. liking it.”
Cody groaned and leaned forward, pressing his palms to his forehead.
“Oh god, why did I tell you that?” he cupped his hands over his mouth and shook his head.
“Oh my god, this is so fucked up.”
Noel tried to reassure Cody. “Dude, it’s… listen. Look at me.”
Cody ignored him and pressed on, avoiding eye contact with Noel. “God, and it’s one of those things, like… the things that make me cum the hardest are the things that make me feel like a bad guy. I feel like a bad guy all the time. Like, I’ve never slapped someone in the face and spit on them, I’ve never, you know, facefucked someone. It’s fucked up. Especially because I exclusively date women, like, it’s fucked up. I feel like they get, like, degraded and harassed all the time, why would they want someone to then do that to them sexually? Like, it’s fucked up. And… and I never believe women in the rare occasion when they volunteer and tell me they do like it, which I know is also fucked up. like, who am I to think that I know what they want better than them, so I just never get to fucking do the shit that actually gets me off.”
It was probably the drugs, but Cody’s words made Noel feel as though his brain was lit on fire.
“Cody, I… I don’t know how to, like, make this clear to you, but I feel like there’s two things happening here. Hear me out.”
Noel took a deep breath and tried to collect his thoughts.
“What I’m hearing is you feel weird about being a dominant sadist or whatever, I don’t know what you personally call it and that’s your shit, but it seems like most of your shame has to do with you not being comfortable acting that shit out with women because you know that women get so mistreated all the time in nonsexual contexts, and like, I get that, but that in itself should be a sign for you that you’re not actually a bad dude.”
Cody looked at Noel briefly and then looked away, shaking his head.
“And honestly, I don’t know how to fix that for you. I wish I could. But I’m also hearing you feel... worried that I now know this thing about you. Do you really think I’d judge you for it? It’s just the other side of the coin of my stuff, like…”
Noel exhaled. “Look, you want to hear something fucked up? I’ll raise you one further, maybe this will make you feel better. I’m, you know, I’m attracted to women, don’t really find male bodies attractive, but part of my thing is... I like being mistreated and dominated and I don’t really fucking care if that person is male or female. Like, my sexual orientation is towards women, but my actual kink isn’t a woman beating the shit out of me, it’s just, you know, getting absolutely torn apart in some way by anyone. I’ve never actually tried it with a guy, but… I can tell you based on, like, fantasies and dreams that I have… I’m, you know… it’s all the same to me.”
Noel felt like timed stopped after his confession. All he could think to do was look down and pet Ollie.
Noel looked up and Cody was frozen in place, taking slow deep breaths.
“Cody?” Noel said softly. “Are you okay? Are you freaking out?”
Cody looked at Noel, face blank, his eyelids betraying how fucked up he was.
“Hey, Noel?” Cody said softly, his usual gentle tone muddied by irritation from the smoke. “I’m going to ask you a question and I need you to answer it directly. Don’t move, and don’t say anything else.”
Noel felt every hair on his body stand on end. Ollie jumped off of his lap and ran into his and Aleena's bedroom.
“What’s your safe word, Noel?”