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Beau’s stomach squirmed as she walked down the sidewalk. She probably should have done this sooner, but in her defence she hadn’t realized Fjord knew, and he’d been avoiding her so effectively it’d been days since she’d even caught sight of him.
The sun was beginning its downward swoop and the shadows were long. One of the streetlights in front of her flickered on as she passed underneath it. The trail to the old basketball court was a quiet, out of the way journey and Beau wished she’d thought to bring her board with. She didn’t want quiet because quiet meant time and time meant thinking.
Thinking meant trying to figure out what to say to Fjord once she found him, and Beau never knew what to say, especially when someone was upset with her. People were usually upset with Beau though, so that’s just the way it went. She kicked at a pebble with the toe of her sneaker and it clattered off the asphalt into the weeds.
Beau huffed and broke into a jog to get herself the rest of the way there. She only slowed when she heard the telltale reverberation of a basketball bouncing on concrete.
The court was tucked away in the trees and the concrete was spidered with cracks, painted lines barely visible under the weed sprouting up between them, but still functional. Fjord was calmly shooting long, arcing shots at the hoop when Beau came around the bend and into view.
“Uh, hey man.”
Fjord startled and fumbled the basketball when it rebounded back towards him. He slowly retrieved it from the grass and tucked it under his arm before turning towards Beau.
“How’d you know I was here?” He wasn’t looking her in the eyes.
“You told Caddy where you were going and he told me.”
Fjord nodded. “You were lookin’ for me then?” His drawl was barely noticeable when he spoke quietly. He wasn’t often quiet, not with her. Fjord was the friend Beau could usually count on to match her hype level until they were both shouting and roughhousing and upsetting whichever friend was closest to them. Usually Nott.
“Well, yeah. You’ve been avoiding me. And Jester.”
“I know you slept with her,” Fjord blurted, “You and Yasha, I mean.” His green skin flushed darker and he turned back towards the hoop. He started dribbling the ball again.
Beau’s stomach dropped. She hadn’t really thought at all in the moment about how Fjord would feel about the situation. Which meant she was probably a piece of shit right? The repercussions of sleeping with Jester hadn’t been on her radar at all. Beau crossed her arms and squeezed them tight across her stomach. Why was she always like this? She never learned from her impulsivity; it always fucked her. It was as though Beau couldn’t stop herself from hurting people.
But, right now Beau was uncomfortable, hackles up, and that defensiveness always, always won out. “Jester makes her own decisions.”
Fjord scowled, “I know that. You know I know that. I’m just -” he made a frustrated noise, “I don’t know what to say to her, or you.”
Beau hadn’t meant to dive into all of this so fast. She hadn’t had any idea that the situation with Jester was the reason for Fjord’s avoidance.
“Why do you have to say anything - I thought you didn’t like her! She told us at the party that she tried to kiss you but you didn’t want to. I was never really sure how you felt about her, and I guess I assumed that meant you didn’t see her in that way.” Beau scrubbed at her undercut. Fuck, she wasn’t saying any of this right. She hadn’t come here to yell at Fjord, even though she didn’t understand why he was acting like this.
Fjord stopped bouncing the ball. “I never said I didn’t like her.”
Beau should have brought someone with her. Someone who did feelings better than her. “Um. Okay? But… you didn’t want to kiss her? Were you too drunk or something? I’m not sure I’m following.”
“I wasn’t drunk.” Fjord shot the ball with too much strength and it clanged loudly off the backboard. Beau darted forward and caught it before he could retrieve it.
She stood in front of him and tried to make eye contact. “Fjord, you have to tell me what’s going on. I know you’re upset man, but I don’t understand why.”
Fjord sucked in a deep breath and unclenched his fists. Then he walked a few steps and plucked at his tusk and took another breath before he finally said, “There’s somethin’ different about me. Or about the way my head works, I think. I’m not like you and Jes.”
Beau passed the ball back over to him and he started slowly bouncing it. It was getting darker and moths were starting to flit around the streetlamps along the path leading to the court. Beau tried not to interrupt or fidget as Fjord gathered his thoughts.
“I like Jester,” He said, and Beau could tell from the way his roughened in the middle when he said it that he meant it. “But I don’t… I don’t think I like the, um, physical stuff. The way you guys do.”
Understanding started to wash over Beau. “You mean you don’t like sex?”
Fjord shot the basketball again. It seemed like words came easier if he wasn’t looking at Beau’s face. It was sort of like when Caleb got squirrely, Beau thought, and she could handle Caleb so she should be able to do this.
“Yeah. I don’t mind kissing but - not in the way Jester wanted to at the party.”
Beau held out her hands and he passed the ball to her. Her first shot bounced off the rim, but her second made a pleasant thwip noise as it passed through the net. She took a few more silent shots back and forth with him tried to fit this new idea of Fjord in with who she had thought her friend was.
“Weren’t you sleeping with Avantika earlier this year though?”
She passed the ball back to Fjord so he would stop tugging at his bottom lip. He nodded slowly, and said, “Yeah. I was trying to make myself like it, I think. Like, maybe I just hadn’t practiced enough to make it feel okay? Or hadn’t done it with the right person? But Avantika is gorgeous, and really good at sex,” Beau nodded empathetically in agreement, “and I just-” Fjord’s voice broke.
“Hey Fjord, it’s alright,” Beau murmured. She put a hand on his elbow but he shook her off and swiped at his eyes with the back of his knuckles.
“No, it’s not. I hated it. Physically it felt okay, but it wasn’t fun and the entire time it was happening I just wanted it to be over. It’s always like that, Beau. No matter who I’m with.”
“So because you don’t like sex, you don’t know what that means for you and Jester, right?” Beau was so invigorated by finally puzzling it together that she let the question out before she realized that maybe blunty naming the thing Fjord was scared of maybe wasn’t the best tactic.
Fjord’s lips pulled down and his shoulders hitched, and then he actually really started to cry.
Fuck Beau, gods damn it why are you the way that you fucking are.
This was so out of her league, she thought as she tried not to panic. She’d never seen Fjord so upset and unsure of himself. He was always the smooth talker, the one in control. This was… not the direction she thought this confrontation was going to take.
“Fuck man, fuck - don’t do that. It’s okay. Tons of people don’t like sex. It’s like, a whole thing,” she said frantically. She tugged the ball out of his hands and tucked herself up under his arm instead (he was so tall, it was annoying) in a sort of half-hug. Despite himself, Fjord’s arm tightened over her shoulder. She patted his chest awkwardly because it was the only thing she could reach and she didn’t know what else to do. Jester always wanted to be held when she was sad. Beau did too, if she was being honest. She didn’t know what Fjord wanted.
“But I really like Jester,” Fjord choked out, “and Jester likes sex, and kissing, and all of that stuff. She’s not going to want to be with someone like me.”
Beau sighed and leaned the side of her head against his shoulder as she thought. Fjord deserved an answer, not the first thing that jettisoned out of her mouth this time. They stood together under the yellow halo of the lamps, Fjord letting out shuddery little breathes while Beau tried not to look at him because she knew neither one of them liked crying.
FInally she settled on, “Like I said before, Jester makes her own decisions. I think you need to talk with her about this, dude. Because she likes you too, always has.”
Fjord sniffed and it was kind of gross, but he was still holding Beau tightly to his side so she decided not to rag on him for it. “But is she with you now? And Yasha?”
Oh. No wonder he’d been avoiding her all week. “Shit man, no. I love Jester like, so much. But, it’s not really a romantic situation? That was just a fun thing between us, as friends. Because she was feeling sad that you rejected her at the party.”
Fjord groaned and released his hold on Beau so he could pace the free-throw line. “I didn’t mean to reject her! I just panicked and didn’t know what to say.”
“It’s okay! I say the wrong thing pretty much constantly. You and Jes and Yasha always forgive me for it; I’m sure Jester will if you just talk to her instead of running away like you have been all week.”
Fjord ran his hands down his face in frustration and said, “Even if I do talk to her, it’s not going to matter. She needs things that I can’t give her.”
Beau walked over to where the basketball had fallen and flipped it up with her toe so that it sailed towards Fjord. He caught it right before it hit him in the nose and glared at her.
“FIrst of all, what she needs is up to her, not you.” She gestured at the hoop, “Let’s play horse; we can think and figure this out and mayyyybe calm down a little bit.”
“Beauregard Lionett telling me to calm down,” Fjord grumbled to himself, “Never thought that’s how today was goin’ to go.”
For a few minutes they just played. Fjord missed a shot, then Beau made one and Fjord answered. They were pretty evenly matched - neither of them really played basketball but both were athletic enough to be passable.
“How long has this been on your mind, man?” Beau finally asked.
Fjord sunk a shot and Beau swore. Then he said, “I don’t know. A long time. Since I met you guys, probably.”
Beau frowned. “You could have talked with me about this before now, you know. I’m fuckin gay; I know what it’s like to feel… different. And I meant what I said; not liking sex is normal. It’s a whole spectrum, just like romantic feelings.”
“I know I could have. I just wanted to figure it out myself, I guess. I was okay with that. I didn’t expect that stuff at the party with Jester or you to happen, though. It got to me more than I thought it would.”
Fjord looked so sad for a moment that Beau’s stomach, or maybe it was her heart, flipped. She loved Fjord, she realized out of the blue. Seeing him like this was upsetting her because she cared - desperately and wholeheartedly.
When the fuck had that happened? Was it all the way back to the first day of orientation after Jester knocked over a stand of fliers and both Fjord and Beau stopped to help (well maybe Beau had stopped to laugh, and Fjord had glared at her until she knelt down next to him), or maybe during their trip to the fair the summer after freshman year? Did it happen during the nights they spent cruising around in Fjord’s truck, shooting the shit and trying to get the radio to stop fuzzing static? Or when they took turns riling Nott up until they had to be physically separated, or in one of the hours they spent sitting up with Caleb in the library when he couldn’t sleep? Maybe it had been when Fjord drove her through the night to her parents’ house and silently helped her shove the rest of her belongings, her life, into a duffle bag.
Probably though, Beau thought, it had something to do with their mutual all-encompassing love for their other best friend. Jester was the glue, always had been, from day one.
“Just for the record, I wouldn’t have done that with her if I had known about all this, Fjord. I wasn’t thinking because I never do and I’m a shithead of a person, but I would never hurt you on purpose like this. You and Jes are my best friends. I, um, I really care about you.”
Fjord gaped at her and Beau felt her ears grow hot. She abruptly turned away from him and launched the ball at the hoop so wildly that the ricochet back off the rim almost beaned her in the face.
Fjord busted out laughing, and while it still sounded a little teary, it was genuine. Beau flipped him off but couldn’t stop her own smile.
“You’re not as much of a fuck up as you think you are, Beau.”
“Woah, hey, we’re not talking about me right now.”
“Yeah, we are.” Fjord retrieved the ball and held it above his head out of Beau’s reach. “Because you knew something was bugging me and you probably interrogated Cad to figure out where I was just so you could come talk to me even though you thought I was mad you. ‘N you didn’t make fun of me for crying or act weird about the whole, um, asexual thing.”
“That’s because it’s not weird!”
Fjord waved her off, “You’re not a bad person Beau; you’re probably the best friend I’ve ever had, and you’re really good at it even if you think you’re not.”
He sighed, “And for the record, I know you didn’t mean anythin’ by sleeping with Jester. I’m not mad about it.”
Beau gave up trying to jump for the ball and punched him on the arm instead. “Thanks man. I’m still sorry that I didn’t notice you were dealing with this. But, ah - I do think you need to talk to Jester. She might surprise you. I can help, or come with if you want.”
Fjord rubbed at his arm, “First of all, ow. Secondly, do you really think she’s - that I-”
“I don’t know what she’s going to think,” Beau interrupted as he started floundering, “Though I can’t imagine Jes reacting badly to much of anything. But, Yasha actually told me this and I think it’s true; there are a lot of ways to be with people, and that choosing one way or one person doesn’t always work for everyone.” Beau nodded, satisfied she’d gotten the quote right.
Fjord squinted at her. “So like...”
Beau shrugged and snatched the forgotten ball from him.
“I dunno. I guess maybe if you and Jes want to be romantic partners but Jester thinks she still needs um, physical things, you and her can work out something so that she’s able to get that from other people. Or find some other way that you two can still both be comfortable and satisfied.”
“I don’t know if she’d even be open to that.”
Beau rolled her eyes, “Well how the fuck would you know since you won’t talk to her about it. Maybe we could’ve figured this out ages ago and then we wouldn’t be out here in the dark with the bugs.”
Fjord huffed a laugh despite himself even as he scrubbed his hands down his face in resignment. “You like bugs. And sports. This is probably the most fun you’ve had all day.”
“I mean, I could have my tongue in Yasha’s mouth right now. That’s what I was planning on doing but I had to come lookin’ for you instead.”
“Ew, I don’t wanna hear about that, Beau. You even been listening t’ me this whole time?”
Beau winced. “Sorry, sorry. Of course I have.”
Fjord held a serious face for one more beat before he dropped into a smile, “Nah I’m just fuckin’ with you. It’s fine. And I appreciate you coming to look for me; you’ll have to apologize to Yash on my behalf.”
Beau dribbled the ball and juked around him, making sure to get a sharp elbow into his ribs as she went. “Bastard.”
They played wordlessly for a time, finally relaxed enough to actually play. Beau didn’t realize how her stomach had been knotted up these last few days knowing something was up with Fjord until it was finally settled.
They only called it once they both were shining with sweat and the court was more shadows than light. Fjord huffed with his hands on his knees as the crickets sang all around them. Beau put her arms behind her head and craned her neck to try and convince herself she could see a few stars beyond the light pollution of the University.
“So. You and Yasha are getting pretty serious then?” Fjord asked when he’d finally caught his breath.
Beau snorted, “Yeah I guess. I accidentally told her I love her, so there’s that.”
“What!” Fjord yelled with a grin, “You fucker, you can’t just drop a bomb on me like that!”
Beau laughed as he grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. “Get off of me you big nerd!”
“No way! What’d she say!”
Beau squirmed away from him and jumped onto his back so she could put him in a loose headlock.
“She’s Yasha; she didn’t say much but I’m pretty certain she feels the same way.”
“That’s great, Beau. That’s really great.” Fjord reached up and messed up her hair and she didn’t even care. His eyes were shining and she could feel his shoulders settling back into their normal laid back sling.
Beau stopped trying to choke him out and set her chin on top of his head instead. She poked at his sides with her heels until he grumbled and started walking both of them off the court and down the path towards home.
Fjord made Beau want to be a better person. His solidity grounded her. He was here and Beau wasn’t letting him leave her, or Jester. It simply wasn’t happening.
“We’ll figure this out, Fjord. All of us are going to be okay.”
“Mmm. Promise?”
“Promise. But we’re going to talk to Jester. Soon.” Beau replied, and she felt Fjord nod his head under her chin.
They were good together. There was no reason, Beau thought, that they couldn’t be good at this together, too.