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Dean’s bags felt heavier the closer his footsteps drew him to the door of the apartment. Their apartment, he reminded himself, the ache in his chest feeling as near insurmountable as the thought of leaving.
But he had to.
Staying here, living everyday as if he wasn’t killing himself and killing Cas by just being. That was the worst of it; the thought that Cas would get up in the morning and reach out and find the bed empty and of course blame himself for it.
Dean had been telling himself for weeks; he just needed some time. To get out of his head, to get out of this town, to get out of Cas’ life so he doesn’t risk ruining it anymore than he already has.
Dean had been kicking water before Cas. Hanging on just above the surface, every wave threatening to pull him under. Cas taking him in, ignoring all his broken pieces and blessing him with affection had been like a life-vest.
It had taken Dean too long to realise that despite that, he was still stranded out in open water.
He didn’t know where he’d go. He didn’t have a whole lot of options with just a duffel of two pairs of jeans, a few t-shirts and all the change he had in his wallet. Sam would take him in, but that alone wouldn’t fix him. After Sam, he didn’t know. Anywhere was better than here.
Well, not here. Here as in this town, not referring to their shared little crappy apartment with damp and a steady stream of classic rock lulling from the record player in the corner all hours of the day, and the perpetual scent of weed and sex.
God he loved this crappy apartment. He loved Cas. More than anything; more than his car, more than his dad, more than anything but his brother and his mum when she’d been alive. But if he stayed, Dean was sure he’d end up killing Cas. He wasn’t good for him; he drank and smoked, and got fired from his job for losing his shit at customers and forgot to pick up milk on the way home and didn’t listen and- Jesus, he was toxic. And the pathetic part was Cas loved him, regardless, so brightly, so strongly, despite him being so undeserving.
That’s what leaving was all for. He wasn’t good enough for Cas, but God help him he was going to be. Recovery isn’t pretty, and he’d be damned if he made Cas suffer through it with him. No, he’d leave and break Cas’ heart like the asshole he was, and one day he’d return a better man, someone worthy of Cas’ love.
Their bed squeaked in the other room, ringing out like a siren in the silence of night.
“Dean?” He heard Cas’ concerned voice ring out of from the void.
God, he couldn’t even leave right. He was supposed to sneak out and not leave a single sign he’d been here but his records and the $40 he owed Cas for gas on their nightstand.
Footsteps gently pattered from the bedroom down the hall, echoing loudly.
When Cas turned the corner to see Dean staring resolutely at the front door, bag in hand, he paused. Despite being so dark, both their eyes were used to the bleakness and could pick each other out easily.
“Dean?” Cas’ deep voice rang out again, bouncing off the walls like the shame ricocheting around in Dean’s chest.
When Dean turned to face the other man, his breath caught in his throat. Cas stood blearily wiping some sleep from his eyes, stood in just undershorts and one of Dean’s t-shirts looking exhausted and wholeheartedly like everything Dean had ever wanted.
“Cas I-“ he began.
“You’re leaving.” Cas interrupted. It wasn’t a question.
“I-We… Yes.” The pit at the base of his stomach grew infinitely, swallowing him into a pool of shame for what he was about to do.
Cas would survive it, Dean was sure. He just wasn’t sure if he could himself.
“When will you be back?” Cas’ voice was clear, not betraying how dog-tired he was at all.
“I… I’m not coming back C-“ he began to say Cas’ name before realising how it would catch in his throat and resolutely shutting his mouth instead.
Cas’ eyes narrowed. Even in the low light, Dean could see the deep blue depth of them. Any pain he’d cause Cas today would be dwarfed by the pain he’d suffer everyday he didn’t get to see those baby blues.
“Ever?” Cas asked. He had an eery calmness about him that Dean knew from experience was a defence mechanism. He’d seen it the first time Cas met Dean’s dad, the night Dean had showed up at his apartment after he was kicked out, when his brother had called to tell him their mother had passed. The coldness of it hit Dean like a hard slap.
Dean took a deep breath to steady himself. “Don’t make this harder than it already is. I need to get out of this town Cas, it’s gonna kill me and I’ll end up taking you with me. When I’m fixed, when I’m good enough I’ll come back but I won’t wait until-“ his throat tightened painfully, unshed tears clouding his vision.
“Good enough?” Cas laughed without humour, a minute shake in his frame betraying his anger, “Dean, you’re all I’ve ever wanted.” His wide eyes pleaded, any tiredness that was evident erased instantly.
Dean already knew that for as long as he’d live, he’d replay these words and watch in horror at what he’d done. It felt like an oddly deserved punishment, like reliving your death for eternity.
“I’m poison!” He shouted, hated how wet his voice sounded. “I’m not good enough for you, I’m gonna end up ruining you just like I-“
“Dean!” Cas interrupted, fury written across his features.
Seeing anger paint Cas’ face hurt worse than any words ever could. With a sickening twist, Dean no longer saw Cas before him but his dad, screaming at him that he wasn’t welcome back home. The night Cas had saved his life, taken him in, stopped him from drowning. His Dad’s anger stuck out most in that memory, the unbridled rage twisting his face into some horrible caricature of the man who’d raised him.
“Where will you go?” Cas asked, pulling him from his reverie once again. Figures that even when Dean was twisting the knife into his chest, Cas would still worry about him.
“Sammy’s got an apartment up in Stanford, ‘m gonna see if I can get up to him, then… I’m not sure.”
Cas’ shoulders relaxed fractionally at that. Unexpectedly, his brow furrowed and he turned suddenly down towards the hall again, shout back a quick “don’t move!” at Dean who stood flabbergasted.
A sharp crack of china ripped through the air, causing Dean to flinch. Immediately, muted footsteps began making their way back to Dean.
In the darkness, Dean could make out a large round shape in Cas’ arms.
“Put your hands out.” He barked.
Dean obeyed submissively, placing both his hands palm up before Cas.
The cool metal of coins and gentle flutter of notes into his palm confused him. Once the piggy bank was emptied, Cas reached out, closing Dean’s palm around the money. His hand felt heavy, the electricity and warmth rolling from Cas’ hands seeming enough to melt the pennies.
“This should get you to Stanford. What you do after then, you’ll have to get there on your own.”
“Cas I can’t-“ Dean began, already trying to push his hands out towards Cas again. Cas pushed his hands back gently.
“I don’t know where you’re gonna go Dean, but I know you need it. So go. See Sam, get some fresh air in your lungs. Go see the grand canyon or the world’s biggest ball of yarn for the fortieth time.”
Dean huffed a wet chuckled at that.
Minutely, Cas’ expression hardened.
“But Dean when you’re done-“
Here it came.
Christ, Dean forgot how much this hurt.
Forgot the blinding pain of hearing “once you leave don’t come back”, like a dull knife cutting through the softest skin, a swift punch in the gut followed by a ton of bricks being dropped on you. The floorboard beneath Dean’s feet began to peel back, revealing the hole Dean’d fall into as soon as he felt that ache again. And he’d deserve it, God would he, he’d deserve 40 years in hell for what he was doing, for the pain he was causing. How pathetic was he, leaving after Cas had taken him in out of kindness? Manipulating him into loving him back somehow only to be abandoned. If Dean was lucky, Cas’ would be polite enough to provide directions for the nearest bridge Dean could fling himself from. Maybe that’d be penance, no wonder Cas would never want to see him again, how could he? Cas’ warmth and kindness were near inhuman but that was his limit, an absolute that he wouldn’t allow, to protect himself from more pain and humiliation than Dean had already caused him, already inflicted-
Once you walk out that door… don’t you dare come back
“I’ll be here.”
Deafening silence rung out after Cas’ words while the cogs in Dean’s head turned pointlessly.
“You-“
Cas help up a hand to stop him, before reaching across the short gap between them to lay a gentle hand against Dean’s wet cheek.
“Dean Winchester, you go do your soul searching, you go find whatever part of you is missing, because it sure as hell isn’t in this town. But when you come home, come home whole. Bring your new self back for me to meet and fall for all over again. If once you’re you, you still want me, I’ll be here, missing you. But I’ll put the kettle on, and your key will still fit the locks and it’ll be like you never even left.”
As it turned out, the floorboard didn’t part and swallow Dean down, but the ceiling did cave in and level whatever expectations he’d had. “Cas, I-“
“Now get.” Cas smiled sadly, a tear slipping from his brimmed eyes to roll down his cheek. “The sooner you find those pieces of yourself the sooner you’ll come back to me.”
In that moment, only three words of the English language existed in Dean’s mind.
“I love you.” He whimpered, his confession sounding flat when hanging in the air alongside Cas’ boundless compassion.
“I know.” Another sad smile, another moment for Dean to fall irrevocably more in love than he already was.
Dean stumbled back blindly if only to counteract the sudden jolt his body made involuntarily to fall into Cas’ arms. His hand gripped the cold steel of the door handle.
“I’ll miss you.” He said dumbly, already beginning to turn towards the door.
“God I hope so.” He heard quietly from behind just before the door had clicked shut.
His heart beat erratically and his breath came out in short irregular bursts and his bloodshot eyes prickled in the cold air of the apartment block hallway.
He’d let his tears fall later, when he was settled on a bus or at Sam’s or wherever it wouldn’t slow him down.
For now he couldn’t; Cas had given him a job to do. Fix himself, then come home to him.
Dean swore on his mother’s memory that when he returned, he’d return whole. For Cas and for himself.