Chapter Text
“Are you all set, Young K?” Sungjin asks as he stands up from his seat at the waiting area as they’re about to board the plane to Los Angeles.
With a sigh, Younghyun replies instead with a curt “It’s back to Younghyun now, Sungjin,” before following after his manager (correction: ex-manager).
Sunjin merely nods. “Ah, by the way, did you remember to leave the check for your final rent to the front desk?” Sungjin looks back at him with a raised eyebrow. “I don’t want them to start calling and bothering us about unpaid terms when we’re already paying for your new house in LA. Real estate can be a real b—”
Younghyun cuts him off. “I did not forget, Sungjin. And honestly, even if I did, would you have expected me to miss my flight just to go back to the old apartment to pay the landlord?”
Sungjin ignores the tone in Younghyun’s voice as he greets the flight attendant at the gate, showing her their tickets. Having known the guy for a little over fourteen years, Sungjin knows when to just let Younghyun settle into one of his moods. And he honestly feels for the other as Sungjin understands why Younghyun has been a bit irritable ever since he woke up this morning.
Not more than 36 hours ago, he officially ended his contract with his entertainment company, the one that he’s been with for fifteen years. And as a parting gift, they decided to throw him a farewell party before he leaves South Korea for good. Feeling like he at least owes them his attendance at the party that he certainly did not ask for, Younghyun begrudgingly went and drank a few drinks too many in order to avoid having to keep up conversations with all of the other employees celebrating the entire successful run of his idol career.
Don’t get Younghyun wrong, he adores these people and knows that he wouldn’t have gotten far in this cruel industry without their help. It’s just that he feels exhausted and completely done with it all. Tired of the limelight, tired of all the attention, tired of having to put up a face to maintain his image. He has been feeling like this for about four years now and when he started considering the idea of retiring as an idol, the relief that came over him was indescribable. An unimaginable weight has been lifted from his shoulders.
The desire to quit solidified itself into Younghyun’s mind when, two years ago, he realized that suddenly, for the life of him, he couldn’t write songs anymore. He had been wrung dry, completely unmotivated, and emotionally empty. It was also not that he didn’t have a long list of unreleased songs that he could use instead whenever he would lose inspiration. But it was more of those unreleased songs that he wrote were, according to the company producers, “too dark and depressing”.
“We can’t produce this, Young K.” They told him after hearing just the first three songs of the latest album that Younghyun has written. “First of all, it doesn’t go with your brand. Second, when we said ‘go dark’, we meant something sexy and not emotionally concerning. And third, we don’t think a lot of people would be able to relate to this, man. Honestly, I feel a bit uncomfortable listening to them because that kind of longing isn’t something that should be shared to a large audience but rather, to the person who’s the source of these emotions. They’re too personal, is what I’m trying to say. People will have a lot of questions that you won’t be ready to answer.”
So, they gave him another couple of months to rewrite basically the whole album but Younghyun just finds himself circling back to the same old words. Until they had to postpone and reschedule his latest comeback that had fans, and the company executives, worried.
“What’s wrong, Young K?” The company CEO asked him once when he called Younghyun into his office. “Is there something that’s been bothering you? You know you can talk to me, right?” Having known each other for all those years, it brings some truth into the CEO’s words. And while Younghyun appreciates the concern, he also knows that no one will be able to understand him. That’s why he just decided to play it off as being in a slump.
“There’s really nothing to talk about.” Younghyun lied, casually shrugging his shoulder for effect, while puffing out a chuckle as he sat opposite his boss. “I think I just genuinely ran out of good ideas.” He also didn’t tell his boss that those songs were written all throughout the years so they perfectly represent the real Younghyun more than his released songs do.
Sighing, the CEO leaned forward on his desk. “Well, we still plan to give you a comeback by the end of this year at the latest so I have an idea on how we can go around this.” He held Younghyun’s gaze as he continued, “But I’m sure as hell that you’re not going to like it.”
“Ghostwriters?!” Younghyun repeated incredulously to his boss. “No fucking way. No. Never.” He scoffed as he wondered how, if his boss really knew him, the CEO would even consider the idea. Younghyun used to love putting his feelings into paper and then singing about them to anyone willing to listen. He still does but the state that he’s in emotionally and mentally are beside the point. He took pride in writing and composing all of his songs in his entire discography. He loved the authenticity and growth that songwriting has given him as an artist. Even at the worst times, he never considered singing the words and preaching the experiences of another.
The CEO held up his hands. “Here me out. I have a list of songwriters who have been trying for years to demo a song to you and are more than willing to waive copyright claims over it with enough monetary compensation. We’ll limit the people who knows about this between you, me, and the writer of your choosing. The public will never know, I promise.”
“Still no.” Younghyun replied stubbornly. “End of discussion.” He stood up to leave the room when his boss called out after him, “Think about your fans, Younghyun.”
Younghyun stopped walking, though he did not turn back to face his boss. Seeing that the CEO still has Younghyun’s attention, he continued, “They’re getting worried about you, man. You haven’t released a song in over a year. And while we’re still confident with the number of your following, we can never be too sure with how long we’ll be able to maintain that. You’re a Second-Generation idol in an industry currently being dominated by Fourth-Gen idol groups. One of these days, your fans will get tired of waiting for you and move on to a shinier, younger, and more polished idol.”
Younghyun hanged his head as he sighed heavily before turning to face his boss once more. “Look, I get it, hyung. I really do. But I’m sorry, I just can’t sing, much less embody, the words and experiences of someone I don’t even know. It also feels like I’m cheating my fans. And, if you recall, I actually have written my new album, all thirteen songs of them. So, take it or leave it.”
The company have, in fact, decided to leave it. And during those two years leading to his contract termination and retirement, Younghyun just bounced from one small gig to another. It was actually nice not to have such a packed schedule all of the time.
Try as he might, Younghyun couldn’t bring himself to regret his decision. He already has enough money that he doesn’t know what to do with them. He’s already lived out his fantasy of being in the spotlight. He’s had that for years and now it’s time for the next “it” idol to own it. Until the end, Younghyun stood by those songs and by those words because that’s what he genuinely feels and that’s just who he is both as an artist and as a person.
“Earth to Younghyun.” Sungjin’s voice brings Younghyun’s thoughts back to the current reality. Younghyun turned to see Sungjin and a flight attendant looking expectantly at him, clearly having asked a question that he obviously did not hear.
Feeling a little sheepish, he asks, “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” His English easily coming back to him and rolling off his tongue.
“Would you like some champagne, sir?” Younghyun can tell that the attendant is getting impatient with him but is trying really hard to hide it because he’s a business class ticketholder.
With an apologetic smile, Younghyun politely appreciates the offer but declines.
“The plane hasn’t even left the tarmac and you’re already spacing out.” Sungjin jokingly nudges him once the attendant has left.
Upon seeing his friend’s calm and playful demeanor in contrast with his cold and contemplative one, Younghyun couldn’t help but wonder why Sungjin had insisted on coming with him in the first place. Clearing his throat, Younghyun starts, “Sungjin, I need you to be honest with me.”
Sungjin snorts as he throws Younghyun a sideways glance. “I’m always honest with you, fool.”
Younghyun can’t help but chuckle. That is true, even when the words will be somewhat offensive, Sungjin is never hesitant to give them to Younghyun. This open and straight-forward attitude of his is actually what made Younghyun trust him in the first place. There’s just no second-guessing with Sungjin.
“Why did you decide to quit working with the company and come to LA with me?”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Younghyun, I just needed a good English translator because I finally decided to start on my lifelong dream of traveling starting with America.” This earns him a chuckle from Younghyun. “No, but seriously, when you first told me your plan of retiring from the industry, it got me thinking of my own career. And how I’ve been too busy working and saving up for myself that I didn’t realize how everything else was flying by so fast and I was being left behind. And basically, because I’m old.”
“Hey,” Younghyun protests. “37 isn’t that old.”
Sungjin shrugs. “We’re old enough to actually start thinking about doing things that we want for once. And also, I’ve known you since you were 22 years old, me pushing on to 23. You’re like one of the oldest friends I’ve ever had. I wanted to come with you to see first how you would be settling down before going on my merry way of unemployment-slash-incredibly early retirement.”
“Aww,” Younghyun playfully coos but deep down, he completely appreciates his friend’s caring nature. “You’re being too cheesy, man. Just sleep it off, it feels weird.”
Sungjin just laughs as a way of replying.
After a beat of silence, it’s Sungjin’s turn to ask Younghyun a question. “Your turn. Do you see yourself finally settling down in LA? Like getting a job, meeting someone new, starting a family, and all that domesticity? Because honestly, I’m not planning on doing that yet for at least after five years. I’ve spent more than a decade of my life doing things for someone else—no offense, Hyunnie—and now that I’m free, I’m going to enjoy it.”
Younghyun thinks for a moment before saying, “I’d probably put off getting a job for a few years because, like you said, I’m going to try to enjoy this newfound freedom too. As for meeting someone new and starting a family,” he pauses, sighing, “I don’t think that’s in the cards for me, man.”
Sungjin’s eyebrows raise in surprise. This is new to him because when he first met Younghyun, the latter was too hung up on someone (still is, actually, if you ask Sungjin’s opinion). So when Younghyun told him his plan of moving to LA, Sungjin suspected that it was because Younghyun finally decided to look for and reunite with his lost love. Sungjin really didn’t know the whole story but from what he’s heard over the years, he knows that that was, and is, the love of Younghyun’s life.
“Why not?” Sungjin asks carefully.
With a faraway look in his eyes, Younghyun stares out the window. His voice quiet as he says, “I just don’t see the point in it anymore.”
Feeling that those words come from somewhere deep within Younghyun, Sungjin didn’t know what else to say. He suddenly feels for his friend as the latter settles himself in to that kind of future.
“Home, sweet home.” Younghyun announces to the foyer of his new house as him and Sungjin step inside. Younghyun took a quick sweep of the bare space and feels himself get excited to start filling his new home with music, decorations, and new memories. After dropping their luggage and Younghyun’s guitar case on one corner in the living room, Younghyun plops himself facedown onto the extended part of the large couch while Sungjin, ever the responsible man, starts placing the few packed foods they brought into the fridge and cupboards.
“Aren’t you hungry?” Sungjin’s calls out to Younghyun from the kitchen adjacent to the living room. It’s midday when they touched down at LAX and instead of stopping for a quick lunch like Sungjin had suggested, Younghyun vetoed the idea in favor of crashing at home to try to shake off the jet lag. “I’m making myself ramen, you want some?”
Younghyun just hums in reply before getting up from the couch to explore his new home as he waits for the ramen to cook. He first walks to the master bedroom—his room for the foreseeable future—and admires the light grey paint on three of the walls with the black accent wall at the head of the bed, queen-sized. The color of white used for the crown moulding, window frames, door to the walk-in closet, and bedsheets perfectly stands out and ties the whole room together. As he opens the door to the spacious master bathroom, Younghyun is beyond satisfied that there are both a tub and a shower. Just from what he’s seen of the house, the exterior, living room, master bedroom and bathroom, the idea reinforces itself in his mind that this house is pretty much just made for him. It perfectly suits his taste.
See, when Younghyun was choosing his new house a few months back, going through the handful of options his real estate agent sent him, he really had a specific look in mind. But after scrolling through countless of pictures for almost two hours already, his hope steadily flared out and he decided to just settle to whichever house would at least satisfy his basic preferences. At that point, he just wanted to find a decent-sized, 3 bedrooms 2 baths, bungalow style with a front yard. Knowing that he at least needed to keep looking or else he won’t be able to find anything, he continued to scroll through each of the pictures of the exteriors, house plans, floor plans, and listing details until he finally came across something that caught his eye. In fact, this one particular house didn’t just catch his attention, it made his heart skip a beat. His hand gripped the edge of the desk as he stared at the monitor for what felt like forever but in reality, it only took seconds for tears to start forming in his eyes. Heart in his stomach, Younghyun was transported back to a time he tried so hard to forget. And yet, here he is again, crying over the sight of a dark blue farmhouse.
It was during finals week of junior year in college when Younghyun, hunched over his desk studying for an upcoming exam in Marketing, heard the door to the dorm room close with a soft thud. Turning in his seat, Younghyun faced his roommate as the latter ungraciously dropped his slim body onto the couch.
“Rough day, hyung?” Younghyun asked with a fond smile.
“You have no idea, dude.” Jae replied with a groan while staring at the ceiling. “I had a consultation with my professor in Architectural Design for my would-have-been final draft of our project and can you believe that he literally made me add a few more elements to it. I mean, at first he said that it was good and impressive but then, now I gotta cram an additional 40 square-meters for the landscape as per his suggestions? So much for being ‘good and impressive’ then.”
Younghyun lightly chuckled, shaking his head at Jae’s words. “You know he only suggested those things because he’s actually looking forward to your work, right?”
Jae sighed, turning his head to meet Younghyun’s gaze. “Yeah, I know.” He relented. “I just didn’t need another thing to be added to my plate, this is honestly already giving me a headache.”
Younghyun’s heart felt for him. Standing up from the chair, he walked towards the left side of the couch where Jae’s head was resting. “Make some room.” He lifted Jae’s head, sat down, and placed the latter’s head on his lap. Younghyun carefully took off Jae’s glasses and hooked it on the older’s shirt collar before gently massaging circles on Jae’s temples.
Jae visibly relaxed, eyes fluttering shut for a moment. He moved towards Younghyun’s touch as he stared back up at Younghyun with soft eyes. He reached a hand out to pat Younghyun on the thigh in response. “I really appreciate you, BriBri.”
“I know, babe.” Younghyun replied with a playful smirk as he leaned down to give his boyfriend a kiss on the forehead. “You’d be dead without me, probably.”
“Feeling cocky, aren’t we?” Jae teased but still reached up both his hands to pull Younghyun’s head back for a kiss on the mouth this time.
“You like it, anyway.” Younghyun slightly pulled back as he whispered against Jae’s lips.
“True, but I like kissing you more.” Jae wrapped his fingers around Younghyun’s neck as their lips crashed once again. The kiss was halfway between being too intense and too shy as their tongues confidently tasted each other’s mouths but neither dared to let it escalate, knowing that they’re both exhausted from school yet still having a lot of things that needed to be accomplished in one night. So they spent the next few minutes just making out as a way to express their love for each other and at the same time, to relieve themselves of the stress that finals week has brought upon them.
“I have an idea for your project.” Younghyun started. It was way past midnight and Younghyun and Jae were still busy studying for an exam and revising a project, respectively. They were sitting side by side on two adjacent desks while sharing a big bag of chips.
When Jae didn’t respond, Younghyun remembered that Jae likes to listen to music while studying; a total contrast to Younghyun’s preference of absolute silence. Both of them so opposite in the littlest of things but still manage to make their relationship work because they always make sure that there’s mutual support and understanding on things that actually matter.
Younghyun reached out to gently pull out one of Jae’s earphones and proceeding to laugh at Jae’s startled expression. Younghyun noted how cute Jae looked while wearing oversized light blue sweatshirt and chicken-patterned pajama pants.
“What is it? Did you need something, baby?” Jae asked him, looking adorably confused and further adoring him to the younger.
Despite himself, Younghyun blushed at the term of endearment. Even after three years, he still hasn’t been able to successfully teach his heart to calm the fuck down every time Jae calls him that. “I have an idea for your project.” Younghyun repeated.
Upon hearing his words, Jae’s eyes lit up. He had been stuck on what to do for the landscaping part of his design for more than three hours now. Since his professor was intrigued with his design, the stakes got higher than just Jae’s final grade for this project. The glowing review from his professor didn’t help at all because for Jae, it only added more pressure for him to do incredibly well to be able to match and hopefully exceed expectations with this design.
“Let’s hear it, then. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be great.” He enthusiastically told Younghyun, turning in his seat to face the younger. “I mean, you’re basically a big part of the reason why I’m doing so well with this project anyway.”
“Hey, come on now. You did everything yourself, what are you talking about?” Younghyun asked with a frown.
With a smirk, Jae asked him. “Remember last year when we were complaining about our dorm room so we made a list of things we want to have when we get our own house in the future?”
Younghyun just nodded, not knowing where Jae was leading with the question.
As a way of answering, Jae turned his laptop screen towards Younghyun, showing the latter his design. “Well, here it is.”
In the screen is a perspective view of a three-dimensional farmhouse. Younghyun watched as Jae panned the display to give him a better look. The dark blue paint in the exterior walls, white porch and large windows, and black front door.
“Is that…?” Younghyun trailed off when Jae zoomed into the interior design; hardwood floors all throughout the house; the bedroom, at the end of the hallway, with its black accent wall that works perfectly well with white and grey color scheme and dark wood furniture, a large queen-sized bed, and its own spacious bathroom (this was a big deal to them because they wanted a shower that could easily fit them both at the same time); the living room that’s situated right at the center of the house with its large, beige sectional couch that stands out from the white walls, black furnishings to contrast the white, wooden built-in shelves with light brown varnish for books and records to match the color of the couch, and a nook just for their guitars; a large island in the kitchen that extends to the dining room with white countertops and black cupboards; and spacious front and back yards. The entire house gives off a comfortable and soft masculine feel.
Younghyun was speechless. Back when they were throwing ideas and scenarios around about their future house into the dark as they laid in bed, limbs tangled together, Younghyun thought that those words didn’t mean as much to Jae as they did to him. He didn’t dare hope that Jae actually imagined them living there in his head because Younghyun thought that to Jae, they haven’t reached that point in their relationship yet, having dated for a little over a year at the time. And here, after seeing the actual proof that, not only did Jae took their words to heart, he also worked hard to bring their thoughts into reality, Younghyun felt his love for his hyung grew tenfold.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jae asked warily. “Did you not like it? I-I can make changes, don’t worry! I’m not sure how much change I can do though since my professor has already seen and approved most of it but I promise I’ll—” Younghyun stopped his rambling with a kiss. It was a soft one, the softest that they’ve shared in a while, one that Younghyun hoped was able to convey his emotions that words can never give justice to. Unsurprisingly, Jae understood him perfectly as his returned the kiss, his hands going up to cup Younghyun’s cheeks and holding them as if Younghyun’s the most fragile thing he’s ever held.
“Why didn’t you show this to me sooner?” Younghyun asked him as they pulled apart after a few seconds.
The tips of Jae’s ears tinged pink as he looked down, flustered. “I was afraid I’d scare you away because I wasn’t sure if you took the things we said back then seriously. If you actually imagined us living in a house like this, too.”
Younghyun placed a finger under Jae’s chin to lift that latter’s face back up and meet Younghyun’s gaze. “Of course, I took them seriously. Everything we’ve ever talked about, everything we’ve ever shared, basically everything about you means the world to me. Never doubt that again, okay?”
As Jae considered his words, a smile lit up his entire face. “Love you, BriBri.” He closed the distance between them again to kiss the younger’s nose.
“So, do you still want to hear my idea or not?” Younghyun teasingly prompted when Jae leaned back in his chair.
Remembering what they were talking about just a few minutes ago, Jae tilted his computer screen to fully face him again as he sat up straight, eager to get back to designing. “Give it to me, baby.”
Clearing his throat, he started, “Your landscape should have a focal point, one that stands out but also looking like it still belongs there. So, my idea is to include a wooden bench swing with vinery plants growing into and around its arbor. And it’s painted white so that it matches the white of the porch. You could also add bushes with bright-colored flowers or small trees behind and on both sides of it to give it a proper frame of space.”
In a heartbeat, Jae turned away from Younghyun to start working. “Brian, you’re a genius! A swing, why didn’t I think of that? Honestly, all I’ve been able to come up with are large decorative rocks. See, I told you you’re the reason this project is still alive and kicking. Dude, what would I do without you? Failing this class, probably. I can’t wait to get this done and show you the final output. My professor won’t even know what hit him, I swear to God…”
As Jae continued rambling praises about him, Younghyun just watched with a content smile on his face seeing his hyung get back to work with newfound enthusiasm.
Younghyun, heart heavy with the memory, sits down at the foot of his bed, staring into space. It is such a bittersweet feeling. He wonders whether fate is playing a joke on him. He gets to live alone in a house that perfectly fits everything they’ve ever wanted. He feels tempted to send a picture of the house to Jae just to tell him about it for old time’s sake even after all these years but he knows he can’t do that because Jae’s already happy without him. At that thought, he suddenly doesn’t feel hungry anymore, opting to just sleep for the rest of the day. And that’s how Sungjin finds Younghyun minutes later, asleep on top of the covers, wearing a plain white shirt and his favorite chicken-patterned pajama bottoms.