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“If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it walls, and we will furnish it with soft, red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweler’s felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn’t exist, and I have tried everything that does.”
— Jonathan Safran Foer, from Everything is Illuminated.
anonymous sent you a message. click here to read it.
— pops up a notification along with the other ones, shining on Jeno's phone screen like a beacon of light between his multiple HQs and Comics, sprawled all over his bed. Mindlessly, Jeno grabs it, checking the notification and its content before tapping on the screen to read further.
sat. 3:47 a.m
hello!
i've been dating my boyfriend for two years now. we started out as highschool sweethearts, then moved to the same uni and are majoring in the same thing. however, after finally experiencing college, i'm scared i don't have the same feelings for him that i had before. it sucks because he's a very nice person, but i came to look at him with different eyes now. i'm a girl, and i've been eyeing girls differently too. what do you think i should do?
Jeno squints at the message, but quickly types something on his phone notes to refine in the morning.
i think you already know what you want, he types. i think you know what it is and it is not your boyfriend.
Almost automatically, he throws in a few more words of advice, saves the note and tosses his phone away - to resurface once again in the superficie of his imagination, fueled by the blissful immersion of worlds he will never get to touch. Jeno reads and reads, letting his fingers drift down the pages, over characters' faces and around the scenarios' silhouettes, a precious memory of how people from much older times caressed the words in their received letters. It's not until he gets a phone call from a very tired, very upset sounding Jaemin telling him to come over that he floats back to reality again, his clock marking way past 4am already.
Without even throwing on nicer looking clothes and leaving his room as messy and occupied as it was, Jeno drags himself to Jaemin and Renjun's dormitory, not bothering to knock.
Jaemin's side of the room is tidy, smells nice and is dipped in more shades of pink than necessary. There are a few posters hung on the walls, a handful of clothes littering the floor, and a retro music player which usually gasps out the words to some pop song Jeno recognizes from heart. He steps through the doorway, wearing nothing but soft pajamas and his broken glasses, those which were mended with superglue by Renjun when they first met. Jaemin is sitting on his bed, his clothes mirroring Jeno's, his eye bags making it clear that he, too, hasn't been able to sleep for more than five minutes.
"You look like someone stepped over your head with platform shoes," is the first thing that comes out of Jeno's mouth, words slurring themselves together as his exhaustion becomes more evident at each step closer to the bed.
Jaemin grunts, fisting the hem of Jeno's baggy t-shirt. "I can't sleep," he mumbles. His eyes are glued shut, perhaps even a bit bloated, and Jeno almost reaches a hand out to smooth over his face, resisting the urge to coo. It's still surprising how Jaemin's usual powerhouse behavior dies down in the wake of tiredness. Perhaps even flames that burn this brightly wear out sometimes, he thinks to himself. "Not alone."
"Why?" He taps his best friend's temple, concerned. Jaemin all but forces him onto the bed, manhandling Jeno's frame around so they can lay together and share the same space like two kids.
"I don't know," his best friend whines, burying his face in Jeno's neck like it might protect him from the reality of his dark bedroom. Jaemin hides his face in Jeno even further, and distantly, he wonders if this is how Hyunmin, Jaemin's boyfriend, feels. If this is remotely close to the romantic experience, somehow, despite being fully platonic. "I'm tense. I can't stand being alone, and Renjun is fast asleep at Sicheng's, and Hyunmin is visiting his mother. You're my only hope."
"I was fast asleep too," Jeno lies, playing with the short hairs in Jaemin's nape.
That's not entirely a lie, but still - turns out handling an advice radio segment is bloody work, even more so if it's for (emotionally? physically? intellectually?) deprived college students. Although there is a feeling in the pit of his stomach that settles rather uncomfortably at the thought of doting on these people and shedding a ray of light over their problems, so Jeno tries to focus on the nicer parts instead. Some people, like Jaemin, are made to be cared for - and Jeno wouldn't mind having such a job; not when he needs connection to exist.
"I'm sorry," Jaemin whines once again, voice getting dramatically smaller and sleepier as he curls up in Jeno's chest, quite literally as if he was Seol on a rainy day. Absentmindedly, Jeno scrubs his fingers on the top of his head, gently petting and scratching until his breath becomes slower, calmer, rhythmical.
Turns out Jaemin doesn't need much to fall asleep - as someone who thrives off attention, it's easy to get him calm and comfortable as long as you know how to play the right strings and hit the right notes. His hand flops weakly against Jeno's chest, and he's out in a second, gently snoring between two arms like he should be every night.
The thing is: Jeno knows how to take care of people. He prides himself in it, the skill being something he's been observing quietly ever since he was a child. In some twisted, perhaps even faltering way, Jeno has always been the nurturer; the quiet one, the friend who knows all of your favorite books by name, the child that stays behind to help and clean the mess. It's love, he figures - it's not hard. If one doesn't know how to love, then what does one even know? If not kindness, then what?
It seems easy when it's put down like that, displayed all over Jeno's mind like tarot cards over a shiny purple rug. It seems like a life calling, like an ancient language whispering that life should be shared, that healing should be a community activity. Maybe that's why Jeno even started to help people in the first place. Maybe that's it.
But then again - altruism aside - he also likes to tell people what to do, when to do it, and how. There's also a weird sense of fellowship in the thought of helping people all across the campus, no matter who they are; in a way, Jeno is pretty lonely too, as all beings inevitably are. Maybe a little less than others, sure, but he's still a boy in all sense of that word. Connection, he thinks, is a big reason to do things. Maybe not a noble reason, but big nevertheless.
As he dozes off to Jaemin's breathing, comfort nests itself in his chest right beside the slope of his best friend's nose, like a small bird caged by restless wings. Jeno inevitably wants to hold it down, but wills it away just as easily as he did with the thought of squeezing Jaemin so tight they become one - if it's beautiful, it doesn't belong to me. If it's beautiful, it roams free.
That's what he should tell the girl having doubts about her relationship with her boyfriend, Jeno thinks. If it's beautiful, let it go. Don't push things too long because you're afraid of the unfamiliar. End it now before it gets ugly. Leave before you get left.
hhym sent you a message. click here to read it.
Jeno gets the notification while sitting at the campus' cafe, surrounded by his a good portion of his friends. It's crowded today, full of college students chit chatting with each other and finishing last minute assignments they probably shouldn't have let slip. They're all huddled around one small table because all the other ones were occupied, which had Jaemin sitting on Renjun's bony legs while Yangyang and Yerim shared a huge loveseat they keep pushing each other out of. Heejin sits beside Jeno on one of the tall chairs, her short legs dangling from where they don't hit the ground, and it's kind of endearing in a way Jeno doesn't know how to explain. He's washed over by warmth, by the feeling of belonging.
"If I had the money, I'd take ukulele classes," Renjun tips into the conversation, tapping his fingers onto Jaemin's knees to the beat of a random song they're playing on the cafe. "But it's like… It's just an ambition, though. Because I don't think I'd follow through. I don't really care for ukulele, I just like the flex of knowing how to play."
"That would be cute, though?" Heejin comments, looking around for a waiter. "Like, tiny Renjun with a tiny guitar. It makes sense."
He scrunches his nose, disgusted. "Literally die. I'm taller than you."
"But you're like… Small framed," Yangyang butts in, himself being smaller than Renjun. "Height is not that important. Frame is. Jaemin is tall but he has the frame of a hummingbird."
Jaemin frowns from where he's sat. "I'm more of a cat kind of person, I think." Then he looks at Jeno, a smile opening up. "I'm Seol's older brother."
"No, you're not," Jeno takes part in the conversation easily, letting his phone drop to the table. "Seol is a baby. You commit tax fraud for fun."
"Not true!" Yerim raises her tone, offended. "Seol is a demon. She pissed all over my doc martens when we came over for break," she exclaims, giving Jeno the stink eye. "Jaemin, however? Never pissed on my boots. Bakes me cookies. Has a boyfriend that can drive us to the club."
At the mention of Hyunmin, Jaemin dramatically throws his hands over his chest, like a saddened widow. Something in Jeno's chest opens and closes - happily, then in jealousy. Not of Jaemin or Hyunmin; jealousy of love in general. The amount of tenderness Jaemin pours onto his boyfriend is overwhelming even from an outsider's eye, and for once, Jeno would like to know what it feels like to fall so hard you feel like you're soaring in flight. To fall so hard you don't really fall, you rise in it, you swim in it, you dig it out of the ground, you sweat it out.
Then it ends. Jeno must be going delirious in how much he holds his cravings back.
"I miss him," Jaemin declares. "I miss him and I wish I could've gone home with him to meet his mother."
They all hum in sympathy as Renjun rubs Jaemin's back, a quiet understanding that he's so in love it hurts. That he's so in love with Hyunmin he can't even hold himself back from going too fast.
"You'll get to it, Nana," is what Yangyang says, patting Jaemin's knee. "I hear you two facetiming from my dorm and you always laugh so hard when you're with him. I'm sure you two will come around to meet each other's parents."
Jaemin smiles softly. Jeno mirrors it. "Do you guys think my in laws will like me? And his brother? And - and his puppy?" Then his lips fall open, like he just remembered something. "Oh my God, what if I get invited there for Christmas and birthday parties and- oh my God. I didn't think of that."
Heejin giggles next to Jeno, reaching out to the other side of the table to slap Jaemin on his chest. " No soft ranting at the dinner table!" she playfully yells, sitting back. The boy sticks his tongue out, but obeys her when they change the subject.
"Anyways, what does everyone want to eat?" Renjun asks, getting into a debate with Yangyang whether bubble tea is fit for dinner or not. Jeno quietly watches as they bicker and his other friends join in, loud enough to make other students turn their heads to them in curiosity or annoyance.
Something in his head goes flat, static, like a 80's radio playing a recent pop song. It's a soft press of air to his nape, the gentle slope of his knee, the quiet humming on the back of his throat that tells him everything in life is going to be okay, that tells him this is one of those moments where you sit back and enjoy what you have. Jeno has always been picky with the people he keeps around, but now that he's staring at his friends from outside of their bickering, he couldn't be happier with the people he found himself to love. Were he to take different paths, he wouldn't have ended up here. Discreetly, and to himself mostly, he mourns all versions of him that didn't end up sitting at this table, at this exact moment, surrounded by these exact people.
He locks Heejin's fingers between his under the table, and softly hits Renjun's ankles to get his attention before shooting him a billion dollar worth smile. Healing is a community activity.
Jaemin and Yangyang arm wrestle over the topic while Yerim cheers outstandingly loud. Jeno smiles to himself. Life is kinder to him than it has to be.
After dinner, Jeno excuses himself to his dorm, keys and phone on his hands as he tiptoes in. It's late, late enough for him to mutter an apology on the radio when his show first starts - and boy, does it feel funny.
It's not necessarily a popular show. It's rising in popularity, yes, but barely gets through student's minds on the daily, or has lots of regular listeners. It's always just Jeno with a funnily high voice filter on, talking to the small portion of other lonely souls in his university, delivering advice for strangers being only half of what his show actually is. He supposes it's corny, as human nature tends to be, but holds it close to his heart anyway; in terms of loneliness, clinging to what you already have can be the easiest way of coping - even if it means embarrassing yourself a little.
"I'm sorry for tuning in late, but I hope those ten minutes without me made you realize I'm a loser," he starts, face close to his improvised radio equipment. The microphone is old and beaten down, but works most of the time. He has a recorder, for uploading episodes on Spotify if he ever feels like it; which is stupid, because Jeno has never wanted to do it, but he keeps it anyway. "Are you ready to have absolutely no fun with me?"
He checks his laptop, anxiously waiting for listeners rate to go up - two, then five, then ten, then eighteen, then thirty, then thirty two. In a campus of a hundred people they might be a small percentage, but Jeno is sure he never had even half of thirty two friends throughout his lifetime, so it's only fair to feel heard, and therefore perceived.
"Wow. Thirty two listeners today. I don't even have thirty two friends," he mumbles to himself, going through his inbox to see a handful of keysmashes and painful hahaha's. Some greet him, some agree, and it feels warm to be Jeno Lee on a little university dorm room, talking to strangers on the internet. "I haven't been really into any new music lately, so I guess everyone will have to suffer through the same Hozier playlist I always use. First song, as I think many of you can tell by heart, is Movement. The advice segment starts in a few minutes."
He presses the play button, and music floods his crappy speakers. It feels terribly stupid to sit in silence until the first few songs are over, but it's great for his academic performance - the amount of homework he gets done between those 3 minute breaks is disturbing, but highly welcome. If he could spend a lifetime in that blissful, full type of silent, he would.
The song ends, and the world is here again. It always seems to catch up, somehow. "Well, wasn't that lovely," Jeno says, thumping his feet against the ground unconsciously. "The lesbians on my inbox agree. Great. Lovely. Nothing better than a positive feedback from lesbians."
Time comes and goes; suddenly, Jeno isn't alone, see? There's people here, see? Someone listens, see? His heart is on the line, see?
"Okay, okay," he tells the listeners, his voice sounding weird through the filter. It's just a little bit higher than usual, but enough to get through with this whole anonymity deal. "It's advice time. The worst advice column you can ever ask to time. I am nosy time. I'll read the ones I have on me right now, and I'll allow advice calls when I'm done. First one is from an anonymous user," Jeno quickly runs through his papers. "Okay, anonymous said: How do I get Na Jaemin to be my friend? We sit beside each other all the time in the cafeteria and I feel like we could bond a lot over our interest in penguins and the Antarctic. He's so popular, though."
It's common for him to receive at least three messages from people who want to be or have Jaemin, every single week. People just like him, it seems; to the point where Jeno, his almost lifelong best friend, gets a little uncomfortable. Most of them don't even know him, and their knowledge comes from rumors - still, Jeno gets it. Jaemin is a lighthouse of a person, which makes him easier to hide behind. The shadow he creates is about big enough for Jeno to live in.
"Well, there goes our first Jaemin question of the night. Wow, you guys are obsessed," he chuckles awkwardly, because it's impossible not to. "Well, anon, I guess you should just reach out to him and start a conversation. Biology majors are ridiculously friendly, anyways. Also, don't be scared by popularity - Na Jaemin is just a loser like the rest of us. Who even knows if he's not listening to this right now?" He's not, because Jeno knows his schedule well enough to know Jaemin is in book club right now. "But, on a deeper note, don't underestimate yourself like that, or put others in such a pedestal. You sound smart and interesting, anon, and you deserve to own that."
The next one is a bit harder, but he supposes there's not much he can do. "I think you should try to forgive your mom for those years of fighting. Mothers are like that, you know? They're very stressed all the time. They have a lot to do. They'll expect more of you than you can actually be, but it's okay. Just remember you're good, and you should be fine."
Then the next: "Dropping out of college is a serious decision I can't take for you, buddy. You can always visit the campus therapist, and you should probably get some meds for those depression symptoms. Sending you good wishes, user… Um… Hentai666."
Then one more. "No, kittykat67, I don't think fanfiction is a bad way to process trauma. Just, uh, try not to make it so personal? And see a therapist. Definitely. Whether two BTS members are banging each other or not should not be such a huge part of your life. Trust me, I was an EXO-L."
And then another. "Dude, we all know Jaemin is in love with Hyunmin. I'm sorry, but you don't have a chance with him. Find someone else, seriously."
And then it's done, and Jeno's chest trembles a little with expectation as he announces he is now accepting calls. It's always a rush, for him - after one year of majoring in psychology, human interaction has become thrilling. Especially when it's live, and not between him and people through a computer.
The first call is easy. Someone asks him about their boyfriend, and Jeno gives the easy answer: break up with him. The second goes the same. He's almost expecting for no third when his borrowed fixed phone rings.
"Hello?" the voice says, high pitched and smooth. It's familiar; like Jeno has heard it before from a shitty car radio, or a ringing in his ears, or butterflies that tell him don't, don't when he's about to spit them out.
"Hello," he answers. "This is, um, from ZN's advice column. How can I help you and would you like to address your identity?"
"Um, sure, why not?" the person says. "I'm… Call me Haechan, I go by he/him and, um, they/them sometimes. I'm gay. That's my identity."
"I didn't mean it like that, sir," Jeno chuckles. "I was just asking for your name, but thank you for explaining your pronouns. I'm ZN, and here I go by they/them. What's your problem, Haechan?"
The line goes still for a second, but soon Haechan is back. "Well, I like a boy, from another major, who I have quite literally never talked to."
"Uh," he stammers. "Okay. What do you need?"
"I need," the person repeats. "Advice. On how to start a relationship with him. How to ask him out. How to not freak him out about literally everything about m-" the listener says, voice getting stuck somewhere between his insecurities.
"Hey, hey, it's fine," Jeno interrupts him. "I think… Maybe you should, uh, just establish communication. Like, maybe not speaking, but-" he says, suddenly embarrassed. It's different when people ask about same sex couples - to Jeno, who has been pushed out of socialization during high school for being different from the other kids, it's still pretty new to talk about it in the open. "'Just, uh. Make sure he knows who you are. Ask him for a pen or something. Then go from there."
Haechan sighs through the phone. "I can see how that's a good idea. He seems like a really shy kid. Like… He's not like me. He wouldn't call a stranger to tell them about his problems. He has friends he can go to," he sighs through the line. "But, thanks for the advice. I'll try and communicate with him tomorrow."
"Could you," he says in an impulse before Haechan ends the call. "Come back, next week? To tell us how it went. I'm sure more people have the same issue as you. Uh, with other boys, I mean."
"Ah, okay," Haechan says, his voice wavering in uncertainty. "Yeah, okay. I'll come back next week. Bye."
The rest of the segment goes on, and Jeno taps his feet on the ground nervously through the entirety of it. After it ends, and he has to say goodbye and turn off the recorder, Jeno collapses on his shitty dorm bed, staring at the Jake Gyllenhaal poster taped to his ceiling.
Haechan. He tries to form the word around his mouth, lets his tongue try it for the first time, and it feels weirdly out of place. Like a name written in the sand, washed away by the sea to be surely forgotten.
Jeno is used to being the only one. And that, as certain as the moon, is a hell of a lonely place. Much like God, Jeno has been begging to be believed in to a crowd of empty seats; it's kind of distracting, then, to know someone else besides him and his friends have the same experience.
Haechan doesn't call again the week after. Or the week after that. Or the week after the week after that.
It's a cruel limbo, to not know what to wait for, if there's even someone to wait for at all. If it's not a cruel joke, a bubble about to burst, mean smiles hidden behind sunglasses and sugar domes breaking down under crushing pressure. The three days after Haechan's confession are a rollercoaster of unblinking expectations and ill advised regret, days clogging together in weird fascination, maybe even repression. He holds himself back in ways he never did before, trying to keep his hopes oh so low, but in every seemingly normative boy in his campus lies Jeno's curious stare, searching for the same type of vulnerability only a person like him could get.
It's during that same sensitive mood that someone approaches him in class after a week or so, after bursting through the door late, a poorly colored blue slushie on his hand. Jeno lazily avoids his eyes the moment the boy passes him by, shrinking into his hoodie and leaning his damp hair against the wall. It's not someone he has seen before - actually, if he's honest, he doesn't even think his teacher has seen him before. Dr. Han eyes him up and down weirdly, but doesn't interrupt the class any further.
A few minutes go by; the stranger doesn't do much, and neither does Jeno. He's almost fully napping when a finger jabs itself through his shoulder, making him turn right.
"Hello," the boy says. "This is definitely not my major and I don't know how the teacher let me in," he smiles. "I figure you can do just about anything and get away with it if you're confident, right?"
"Uh," Jeno answers, blinking sleepily. "I guess."
"I'm… Donghyuck." He offers a well manicured hand, getting himself a gentle squeeze from a very tired Jeno.
"Oh," is what comes from his mouth. "I'm Jeno."
Donghyuck smiles; it looks like he's flinching, but it's a smile, still. His face is tanned and small, possibly fist sized - he looks delicate, but in a very common, down to earth way, like affordable silk or plastic McDonalds barbies. His eyebrows are slightly furrowed, and he sinks into himself easily, paying attention.
It's stupid, Jeno thinks to himself. Why watch a class you're not even taking?
After ten or so minutes, Donghyuck taps him again, a flirty smile hanging from his lips. "Hey, Jeno, um… Can I borrow a pen?"
"Sure." Jeno blushes, trying to not make this situation more awkward than it already is. He lends the pen to Donghyuck, then says, on an impulse: "I like your boots."
"Huh?" the boy asks, sympathetically turning around to hear Jeno clearer.
"Your boots," he repeats. "I said I like your boots."
They're ugly. There's not a better way to say it - they're ugly and shiny and distracting for Jeno's already jittery mind, but still; it's a white lie in the name of unconventional attractiveness. Jeno has never done this before, anyways, so why not start now?
"Oh," Donghyuck's face lights up. "I like your face."
Surprisingly even to himself, Jeno chuckles. "Thank you. I got it for my birthday."
Donghyuck's eyes glimmer under the classroom's bad lighting. "Wow, did your mom pick it out for you?" he says, the joke coming out of his mouth like a second nature despite his clear distraction.
"No, it was more of a randomly generated kind of thing." He turns to Donghyuck.
"Oh," the boy breathes out. He stares at Jeno for a few more seconds before turning around, an easy shy smile blooming on the corner of his bitten lips even if he's avoiding eye contact. "Cool."
"Yeah," Jeno smiles bigger, watching as Donghyuck struggles to keep himself at bay. "Cool."
And it is. It's cool.
They exchange an entire school year worth of avoiding glances and tired flirt attempts, but by the time Jeno is packing his stuff, Donghyuck is already rushing through the door, cheeks red, which is no different from how Jeno left that classroom himself. Despite everything, the room full of students seemed a whole lot emptier once Donghyuck got out; but perhaps Jeno, like about anyone else, just enjoys the attention.
He joins Jaemin and Yangyang for lunch after that, throwing a snapback to hide the wet ends of his hair and holding an incredible amount of bashfulness under his thick hoodie.
"How are you today, my little windmill?" Jaemin smiles softly at Jeno's figure making his way to their table, recluded by the window.
"Windmill? That's weird," Yangyang pokes fun at them; his orange hair is parted today, the ends sprayed black for the drama of it, Jeno guesses. "But understandable. Jeno is a windmill."
"Shut the fuck up, ugly." He gets slapped by Jaemin, who is still looking at Jeno fondly, like a father. "Anyways, how is my beautiful boy doing today?"
Jeno rolls his eyes, but takes a seat next to him anyways. "'M fine, smelly. How are you today?"
"He looks happy," Yangyang comments, hiding behind his boba tea. "Too happy. What's up, stinky? What happened today to get you all cheerful? Did they start selling tomato ramen in the cafeteria next to your dorm again?"
"Ugh, no," he huffs, leaning his head on his closed fist. "If they did I wouldn't have come here to eat with you-"
"Ouch!" Jaemin interrupts.
"-but yeah, no. It's not that. I just had a… gleeful interaction right about now." Jeno grabs the menu, letting it cover his entire face as hell breaks loose to his friends, just as he expected.
"YOU WHAT?" Yangyang exclaims loudly, a smile ripping through his face. "No way. Who? How? When? What?"
Jeno chuckles quietly, and Jaemin grabs his wrist, squeezing it. "Yeah, dude, who? When? How? Do I know them? Are they nice? How are their grades?"
"It was at my 10 AM class, he sat next to me and his name is Donghyuck," the boy answers, biting down on his lip. "And I don't know how his grades are. He didn't ask for my number."
Jaemin's face gets serious. "There are three gay Donghyucks in this campus. Was it blonde Donghyuck, tanned Donghyuck or athletic Donghyuck?"
"Uh," he stammers. "Tanned? I guess?"
"Tanned Donghyuck?" Yangyang chirps in again. "Aha, he's so fun. Dude does body shots like it's his job."
Jaemin furrows his eyebrows. "Do you like him, Jeno?"
That brings Jeno's attention back to him. "No, no! I barely know him. I just… I don't know. I think we clicked."
"You did?" he asks. "That's… weird. Never in a million years I thought that would happen. He's Mark's best friend."
"I mean, yeah, but he's also a really dope dude," their friend interferes. "Literally can sneak anything into the dorms. From cats to weed, he's my guy. Remember my dumb tortoise from freshman year? He protested until I got to keep Baekhyun. Dude's lit."
"You almost killed Baekhyun after feeding it a weed brownie," Jaemin points out. "I had to take him to my teacher and you called me a sexy pet nurse for the rest of freshman year."
"And I don't regret a thing about it," he raises his boba, as if to pay respects to Donghyuck. "Anyways, I love Lee Donghyuck, dude. If he's flirting with you, good for you, man."
"Yeah, that's true… Donghyuck is a really nice boy," Jeno's best friend considers. "And me and Mark happened way long ago. Okay. Tell me everything."
"We just… chatted," Jeno answers, his voice failing him.
"You sure did, bro. Up top?" Yangyang raises a hand, which Jeno tiredly slaps with his own.
"Lee Jeno, are you crushing on him?" Jaemin smiles, his hands hovering over Jeno's waist, ready to tickle. "Huh? Are you crushing on Lee Donghyuck? Does your love lie on Yangyang's weed dealer?"
It's kind of the inverse, Jeno wants to say, but lets it go at the prospect of eating for the first time since yesterday's lunch. And so what? Maybe Yangyang's weed dealer was just playing around, anyways; Jeno wouldn't be surprised.
The next Friday went similar to the first one Donghyuck showed up. Jeno came in, sat as far and secluded from others as possible, and watched in utter secondhand embarrassment as Donghyuck bullshit his way through attending this class for the second time despite not belonging here - or even in this major - at all. After 10 minutes of arguing with Dr. Han, Donghyuck got accepted with a tired sigh, if only just to prevent the class from another obviously fake excuse. ("'I take this class, sir," he said. "I just haven't showed up for the entire school year because I was busy working in the Thor movies.")
And then, in barely contained laughter, Jeno watched as Donghyuck strut down the hall of chairs with a smirk, clearly proud of his achievement. If Jeno knew him any better, he'd think Donghyuck is a prick.
Which he isn't, because the first thing he does as he sits down next to Jeno is offer him a water bottle and a tube of honey chapstick, due to believing Jeno's lips look "dehydrated like a dead person's".
"That's not true!" he defends himself. "I just woke up and threw on a hoodie on and came. You can't blame me for that. I didn't even have breakfast."
"And that's just as bad!" Donghyuck yell-whispers at him, the class still very much so going on. "You need to make an effort, you know. Your self-care game is wack," he digs through his backpack while mumbling, clearly disappointed at Jeno's behavior but somehow fond as well. Then, he gets a perfectly conserved food package out of it, from their campus' cafeteria. "Here. Don't make any noise, but if you do, give me a sign so I can start a debate."
"What's in this?" Jeno asks, dumbfounded.
"Uh, a bagel I was expecting to have for second breakfast," he explains, looking ahead and directly at the professor to pretend that he's paying attention. "It's an everything bagel. Sorry about the empty coffee cup, though; I need coffee in the morning to function."
Jeno blinks. "And you're giving it to me?"
"Yeah, I am," Donghyuck tells him, still looking ahead. "Why not? I can always get second breakfast for lunch. I'll be a part of the brunch bros."
"The brunch br-" he starts, but is interrupted by their (His?) professor's grumpy scolding. After a few seconds, Jeno picks up the topic again: "Thank you, Donghyuck. You didn't have to."
The boy smiles and waves his hands around, an unspoken "don't mention it " like Jaemin does after getting Jeno out of a bad situation. It settle warm in Jeno's stomach, hand in hand with the hunger and the undying tiredness, and it makes him want to be better to himself. It does. He munches on the bagel happily, even accepting that chapstick offer after he's done - still, there isn't anything Donghyuck can do about his chronic sleepiness. Jeno is out like a light after eating, leaving the class basically unattended by the negative amount of notes he took.
It's not until he wakes up and is left with an empty classroom and a bunch of ripped-out pages that he realizes Donghyuck took notes for him, doodled all over and in bad handwriting, but notes still. Jeno reads them, and then fumbles with them discreetly, looking to find the nine digits of Donghyuck's phone number anywhere in those pages, despite himself.
He sighs when he doesn't find it, which is more telling than it should be. Jeno leaves after checking it for the second time, just to be sure.
Turns out Donghyuck wasn't planning to go off the radar after that day, even if he could. Every Friday, consistently at Jeno's ten A.M class, there he was - sometimes ridiculously early, sometimes concerningly late. In sweatpants or tight jeans, flip flops or shiny boots, puffy bed curls or cow print bucket hat, there was Lee Donghyuck, standing in all his wavy tangled hair glory. It's like Jeno could picture him perfectly, given the way his entire appearance felt clear, even sharp at times; like a cartoon character, or a Keith Haring person on a remarkably colorful tarot card, Donghyuck had the type of face you remember. The type of cheetah print personality you'd expect him to have, and kindness big enough to match his presence.
They didn't talk a lot during the first times - mainly because Jeno always fell asleep during that class, which may or may not be the reason he's retaking it in the first place. In terms of grades, Jeno falls easily into the average range, only truly exceeding expectations when it comes to field work, when he has the chance to actually put what he's been taught into practice. Donghyuck is stubborn, though, so he always manages to slip notes to Jeno, no matter how far apart they're sitting in that particular day. He's insistent, and while it might have been troublesome here or there, it makes Jeno feel incredibly reassured at the perspective of someone having consistent interest in him, not wavering in the slightest.
And surprisingly so, Haechan also came back to the radio show, joining the other lonely souls in their campus as a regular listener. More and more, he made himself clear about his intentions, leaning on not only Jeno, the anonymous host, but on the listeners, who were also anonymous commenters and often helped in ways Jeno didn't think they would when it comes to a gay person talking so openly about their sexuality.
In a way, both of these things seem to add up in a very welcome lucky moment of his personal life - with Donghyuck's sparkling company and the support from people he could almost consider friends, Jeno felt a little less lonely on Friday nights, and a lot more happier while around his friend group, which could never go unnoticed. They mostly kept to themselves, knowing Jeno wasn't all that keen on sharing personal information, but it's hard to hide anything from Jaemin or Heejin, given they're the ones he's closest to. Heejin asks him about it, but doesn't push it - as far as she knows, there's no way to make Jeno talk unless he reaches out to you first. And, well, Jaemin… He's Jeno's number one adviser when it comes to boys, even if he's sometimes bad at it.
Which, of course, has lead Jeno to this moment: Sitting in a manicure spot, getting a mani pedi, trying hard not to burst into laughter as Jaemin lists Antarctic species by how likely to be extinct they are - albatrosses aren't doing fine, but Gentoo penguins are just near threatened, which makes him a lot less anxious if he thinks too much about it. White-bellied storm petrels are on the least concern list, along with Imperial shags and the Subantarctic Fur Seal, whose population is increasing. When Jaemin lists them out like that, it makes Jeno feel, as well, a lot less threatened; it's a good thing humans aren't more endangered than it's necessary for them to be, it's a good thing he has Jaemin to tell him all these distracting facts until he dies.
"And that's why petrels are so low on the concern list," he says, wiggling his feet. "See? Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, I am," Jeno blows through the air. "Thanks. I'm sorry for scaring you by asking for the longest list you had, but classes have just been… Stressful."
"I'm sure they have," his best friend laughs. "And Donghyuck?"
"What about him?" he asks.
"Well, how's he handling classes? I'm surprised you aren't having study dates or whatever already," Jaemin tells him, nonchalant as he always is. "Donghyuck used to have more balls than this. I'm pretty sure he dated 3 guys during the time Mark and I- well, he used to be braver when it came to flirting."
Jeno flinches. "I doubt that he's flirting for real. He's probably just bored."
"Oh, you're so stupid," it's what his friend says, but doesn't comment any further.
Jaemin doesn't really talk about Mark. That's his only rule - you don't ask, he doesn't answer. There's a secrecy folded inside of that story that Jeno can't truly reach for, little pockets of blurry moments Jaemin won't ever clarify; he's ashamed, probably, of breaking someone else's heart or having his own broken. Donghyuck is just one small gear in the entire machinery that was their relationship, and the clandestineness of it all makes Jeno believe he should take it even slower than he usually does, always a step farther from him when Donghyuck comes closer. It's not a mystery, but rather buried feelings not worthy of coming to light.
Quietly, Jeno starts the conversation all over again: "And Hyunmin?"
Jaemin smiles. All is well again. "He's gonna be back tomorrow."
"Are you excited?"
Jaemin shrugs, a huge smile cutting through his face. There's a little acne scar in the corner of his mouth, and his roots are growing in again, but he looks pretty much the same from Jeno's memory, except maybe a little happier. Despite it all, Jeno knows he holds infinite devotion within himself, an unrelenting need to love and be loved that crawls up his back, talks him to sleep. Hyunmin meets Jaemin where he ends, gives back pieces of him he never knew he lost, and that's why they work so well - because Jaemin is so giving, he needs someone to pick it up from where he left once he tires himself out. He needs someone to give back, so he can keep on giving up.
"I am, I'm not going to lie." Jaemin turns his face to look Jeno in the eye, a love song personified, then. The summer heat in a July evening, then. The earth when it gives back, then. "I miss him. I miss you a lot nowadays too."
"Me?" Jeno frowns. "I'm always around."
"I mean, yeah, but you're not really here. Like, your mind is somewhere else. You're distant, a little."
"I am?" he asks. The apology comes easy, because Jaemin always wants him to be better, and Jeno knows so. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Jaemin lays a hand on his thigh, letting his index finger go up and down soothingly. He's always been the best when it came to stuff like that; Jaemin deals with emotions infinitely better than Jeno does. "I know you. I just miss you."
"Okay," Jeno agrees. "Okay. Thank you."
His best friend frowns; both their feet are soaked in lukewarm water - it shouldn't feel like such a personal moment, but life doesn't choose when to start making sense. It doesn't wait for mundane activities. "For what?" he asks.
"For missing me."
"Oh." Jaemin taps his fingers on Jeno's thigh. "You're very welcome."
That Friday night, Jeno felt hyperactive through the entire time he was sat down to host his show. There was nothing inherently different about it - same listeners, same songs, same segments and anecdotes. Still, something sat curious behind his ear, like a hearing that reaches out for only a certain sound. It feels like Jeno from tonight isn't the same Jeno from last week, or the week before that, or the ones before those; it feels like he's changed deeply to his core, like he would be a fraud to come here and tell all these people he's lonely when that hasn't been the case lately. In some ways he couldn't possibly predict, it's almost as though Jeno has been present in his life for the first time in years, suddenly materializing as a three dimensional person instead of the lonely ghost he thought himself to be. It's a small change, but still - is it okay, if thoughts of Donghyuck flood his mind when people ask for romantic advice? Is it okay, if Donghyuck's notes sit folded in his breast pocket because Jeno is too scared to lose them? Is it okay, if a Carly Rae Jepsen song starts playing and Jeno's heart stirs awake, like a cup of coffee who's been sitting around for too long?
And it's not. It's not. Love is so silly; it could eat him whole. Love is a kitten and then it's a lion and then it swallows him in one bite. But people don't know that.
Haechan calls again - every week, a fresher, more positive update than the last one. Tonight is no different.
"And he's so cute and nice," he says through the phone, and Jeno can just imagine him smiling, but no face comes to mind. If he closes his eyes, it's like Haechan is closer to him that he believes himself to be, like a face he can't quite place how he knows. But maybe Jeno is just a loser. "And I don't know. I keep trying to muster the courage to ask for his number, or maybe even ask him out, but I freeze. It's like… I keep second guessing it. Us. Him."
"What do you mean?" Jeno asks, looking forward to distract himself with someone else's love story.
"I mean he's always distant… Somehow. Like, he's here, but he's really not. It feels like his head is so up above," Haechan explains. "Like, I don't know. He's just… Always distracted. I never know if he's actually into this as much as I am."
"Huh? What a coincidence. A friend of mine told me something quite alike to that some days ago." He reaches out to the paper clips in his desk, arranging and rearranging them. "Well, Haechan, I think he just has a lot on his mind. You can't tell for sure that it's because he likes you or not, but if he's physically around you, and you talk, then I doubt that he's not into you. People who have a lot to do don't fool around and talk to any new person that comes their way."
"That makes sense," the listener answers, sounding defeated. "Still, I don't know how to bring him back to me. Like, how to get him to be here more, you know? I don't want to sound needy."
Jeno chuckles, fond. "Sounding needy is just human nature."
"Yeah, but…" Haechan sighs. "I don't know. I'm stupid."
"You're not stupid." He frowns. "You're just catching feelings. I could tell you this is what love is all about, and that it'll turn into happiness eventually, but it's really not going to. We're the first animals who are known to love like that, so naturally it's hard for us. We're still figuring it out, so leave perfection for the ones that'll come after us, okay?"
The sound of something crashing to the ground comes from the other side of the line, and a string of curses leave Haechan's mouth, all whispered. "Fuck, sorry. I just dropped my lamp. Sorry. Thank you for answering. I'm going to go now."
Something quite similar to friendship blooms in his chest. "Okay. You're welcome. Goodnight."
"Goodnight," Haechan greets him back, then hangs up.
Jeno turns off his microphone just to lean back on his chair and sigh. Not that anyone would know.
After that, it's hard to stop himself from looking for Donghyuck in every possible place in this campus. Jeno searches for him in the cafeteria, in the library, in the student lounge and in passing dorm rooms, the ones who keep their music loud and their doors open. It's impossible to know where Donghyuck fits in in this place, because he's so contradicting in all that he is. If you think about it, there are stories about his antics while high off his ass, but his notes are very neat and organized; he's loud and brave enough to debate professors with PHDs longer than his entire academic path, but doesn't even ask for his number despite Jeno clearly wanting to; and on top of it all, his fashion is unbelievably tacky and colorful, but Jeno never sees him popping out of anywhere to offer chapstick and bagels. As time goes by, he's starting to believe Donghyuck is a campus cryptid, and Jeno is the one dumb kid that actually started catching feelings.
Because he did. There's no denying in that. And as much as his insecurities would like him to believe it, there's a chance - a small one, a teensy tiny one, a maybe kinda sorta one - that Donghyuck might crush on him too. But then again, maybe he's just nice like that, and maybe Jeno is just starved for romantic connection like that. There is no safety in saying that Donghyuck has any feelings for him whatsoever because, as life usually is, that's unpredictable.
Jeno sees him once, on a Thursday near the athletic pool while their campus' swimming team takes leaps around it. He's sitting in a red velvet jacket and cow print sneakers, hair tousled to the side like a 90's wet daydream. His white shirt sticks to his chest, leaving a flat space where Donghyuck's sternum lies under, and for some stupid reason Jeno doesn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the week. The vapor from the warm pool makes his face look shiny and sweaty, lips smooth as he throws snarky comments to the team, parting them a few times in a sideways smile. He looks like a puma, smart and sleek and so, so out of Jeno's league.
Jeno considers approaching him, considers saying hi, considers jumping into the pool and pretending to drown so Donghyuck could do CPR on him, but he ultimately decides to simply not do anything. He walks past him reluctantly, dragging himself to Heejin's dorm building.
"Wow, you're burning red," she comments just when Jeno walks through her door, the hidden candles stuffed under her bed smelling like burnt wax.
She's spinning around in her desk chair, long hair tied into a sad attempt of a bun. Her face is covered in a tiger face mask, lips pulled into a playful smile. "And what about it?" Jeno answers, grumpy. He drops his backpack on her bed, her Heathers poster hanging down by a single, tired piece of washi tape.
"Who did you see, Jeno? Don't be scared. We're all gay here." She drops a few pencils by mistake as she reaches out to squeeze Jeno's shoulder, and sighs tiredly as they just stay there, making absolutely no move to pick them up.
"Well, Chaeyoung isn't," Jeno points out, staring at Heejin's roommate's side of the dorm, neat and clean and with no trace of a human being at all.
"Yes, she is, she has a 'Schrodinger's butch' pin on her backpack. And anyways, she's not here," Heejin says. "Please, please, Jeno, tell me who is making you so flustered. This is the second time in the last week. What's up? Who is it?"
"Heejin…" He sighs.
"Listen, I know you're all secretive and stuff, but we're… Practically best friends. I know I'm no Jaemin - my hair is not that great - but hey, I'm your friend, alright?" She tells him all in one breath, spinning around just to see Jeno eye to eye. "And you have to tell us things. Because we want to know, okay? Because we want to be part of your life."
Jeno rolls his eyes, knowing where all of this is coming from. "Okay, Jeez, I'll tell you," he says, and Heejin perks up immediately, like a puppy who just got a treat. "I've just… Been kind of dancing around this guy in my Statistics class. And, you know, it's no big deal, but he takes care of me, and he's, like… Cute."
"Oh, Jeno!" Heejin places a hand on her chest, happy. "What's his name? You've never mentioned him before. How did you meet?"
"Well, his name is Donghyuck, and we met because he's taking this class just to piss off our teacher, I guess."
"Donghyuck?" she frowns. "'Why have I heard that name before?"
"Apparently, he's Yangyang's weed dealer and Mark's best friend," Jeno tells her as if passing down a secret. Heejin always makes him feel like a giggling schoolgirl, simply because she's so easy to talk to you don't feel afraid of looking stupid. "Jaemin is okay with Donghyuck, I guess, but there's kind of a… Tension? I feel like he doesn't like him. And, you know, it's fine that he doesn't want to have anything to do with Mark, but… I don't know. It's weird. Everyone tells me different stories about Donghyuck and none seem to be like he is with me."
Heejin hums, tapping her finger to her bottom lip in thought. She gets up in a whim and closes her door, locking them both in. "Listen," she says. "You sound like you're overthinking this. Mark and Jaemin dated in freshman year, okay? That was two years ago. If Jaemin still has a problem with Donghyuck, even for just being related to Mark, that's… Kind of childish."
Jeno nods, feeling somewhat guilty for doing so. It's true, but it feels like there's more than just what they know when it comes to Mark. It feels like something that will always sit between him and Donghyuck, awkwardly unsolved because Jeno doesn't know.
"I mean, yeah, I know, but it just ticks me off so bad to not know what happened between Mark and Jaemin, especially because, if Mark is like, a bad person, I don't want to… date someone who's okay with whatever he's done," Jeno argues. "And even if it's not Mark, I don't want to date someone who hates my best friend."
Heejin clicks her tongue, raising one single eyebrow. "Have you ever considered asking Donghyuck about it?"
"Of course not." He frowns. "We're not close like that. We're just flirting."
"Huh? Okay, the way you said he takes care of you and is on your class despite it not being required for his major kinda tells me he likes you more than 'just flirting', but okay, moving on," she makes air quotations, then continues: "Then… Why don't you ask Mark yourself? Chances are that, if Donghyuck likes you, Mark already knows about you because they're best friends. And it would be understandable to him that you just want to know so you can… Get with Donghyuck."
"And what if Mark only knows me as Jaemin's best friend?"
Heejin shrugs. "Then it's what you are. If he refuses to speak to you, you should man up and confront Jaemin about it."
Talking to Mark starts to sound like the best idea the more Heejin says it, honestly - Jeno could just wait for him after his swimming lesson, maybe buy him a coffee, and then ask what happened between him and Jaemin that got them to hate just about everything related to each other. With luck, he could even sort this out with Mark, and maybe even make him and Donghyuck a reality (which is delusional, because Donghyuck may not even like him, but…).
"Heejin, I love you, what would I do without you?" he exclaims, cradling her to his chest in a bone crushing hug. She groans something Jeno can't really hear, but he's out of her dorm like a light, then - if he's correct in his 3 second calculation, then Mark is about to get out of his lesson. Jeno just has to get to him before Donghyuck does, which means he has to meet Mark in the dressing room right after he leaves to get changed. It's easy; he could do it.
With the help of the three Red bull cans he had for lunch and the one Adderall pill he took just after class, Jeno gets himself to run and hide in the boys' locker room for ten minutes until the team starts walking in. He's clearly and outsider in this situation; Jeno, fully dressed and cladded in a denim jacket in the middle of ten or so half naked swimmers, not even one strand of his hair wet. Mark is nowhere to be seen, though, which makes Jeno's adrenaline levels go alarmingly high as he searches for him underneath the goggles and swimming caps.
"Hello, are you Mark Lee?" he asks to one of them, making a point out of not staring at the boy's naked chest.
Unfortunately, the boy shakes his head, which makes Jeno practically fly to another one, frantically asking him the same question. It's only at his third attempt that Mark Lee in the flesh comes out of one of the stalls, fully dressed and with curly wet hair. He looks like a sad dog, but Jeno is too pumped with anxiety to notice anything else. He doesn't believe he got himself here, of all places.
"Mark Lee!" he exclaims, making people turn around in curiosity.
"Jeno?" Mark frowns. "What are you doing here?"
Mark is a short dude. He's bulk, but short. Has thick arms and thighs, and ABS that probably put Jeno's to shame. Still, he has a childish face, which probably should make him any less intimidating to Jeno, who stands tall at almost 180cm with sharp features and a natural resting bitch face. It doesn't, because Mark says his name and he almost trembles in anxiety.
"I need to talk to you. But Donghyuck can't know about it," Jeno says it in one breath, trying not to look scared of Mark's reaction.
A minute passes of them just staring at each other, and Jeno could just burst into tears. He didn't remember being this shy ever since seventh grade.
"...Okay," the boy hesitantly agrees, fumbling with his jacket. "Just let me text him to meet me at the dorms, then."
He quickly pulls out his phone and types in a text, staring at Jeno with a weird expression for the whole time. Then, he points behind his back, signing for Jeno to follow him to the campus' parking lot. Once they're there, Mark is short and direct:
"What's up, man? You look fucked up. Are you high?" He asks, moving closer to inspect Jeno's face. "Did someone sell you anything? Because that shit's not worth it, Jeno. Stick with weed only, seriously."
"No, no, I'm fully sober." Jeno takes a step back, panting. "I'm just pumped up because of energetics and anxiety. Took me a whole lotta courage to come up to you, but I need to know, okay? So please tell me," he places his hands on his hips, voice still breathy. "What happened between you and Jaemin? And what exactly Donghyuck has to do with it?"
Mark blinks, looking blown away. He stares at Jeno for a few seconds before asking in a low voice: "Why?"
Jeno sighs. "Because," he starts. "I can't stop thinking about Donghyuck's stupid fucking chest and stupid fucking handwriting and stupid fucking bagel and all the times he was nice to me for no reason at all and I need to know if this is going somewhere." He's out of breath again once he finishes his monologue, the Redbull kicking once again to give him a full bloom headache.
"Okay," Mark clicks his tongue. "We broke up because we both were stupid and we fought way too much."
Jeno blinks, confused. "I'll need more than that."
"Why don't you ask Jaemin yourself?" He frowns.
"Jaemin doesn't talk about you," the boy states like it's obvious, like Mark would know. "He refuses."
His face contorts to something sad, pained even. Jeno thinks he looks like a baroque painting, like a sad greek play, like Antigone swiftly caressing her brother's unburied body. There's a lot of grief in family that's not buried, there's a lot of grief in love that's not spoken about.
Grief is a neighborhood, Jeno remembers. Everyone I love still lives here.
"He does?" Mark asks, his voice sounding like roadkill, knees locked into place.
Jeno doesn't answer. "What did you two do to each other?"
He blows cold air to the parking lot. "What happened between me and Jaemin was that… When we first started dating, we were like, soulmates," he flinches at the memory, looking every bit like the man Jeno saw leaving Jaemin's dorm in tears two years ago. It's crazy how Jeno saw all of that happen and never even once felt like he was a part of it. "We got along so well. He was so fun, and smart, and pretty. And we had such a good time. And then it started getting colder, and colder, and we didn't really talk as much, and we were arguing all the time, and… I don't know, man. It's like I could see him falling out of love with me right in front of my eyes. I started feeling like he was in love with someone else - which he was, by the way - and did something stupid."
"I got super drunk and kissed Donghyuck, who was equally drunk and, uh… Probably on pills too." He sighs. Jeno's mouth opens in quiet understanding. "And I carried that as a secret for a few weeks, totally hating myself for it, and then I saw Jaemin sitting in the cafeteria, looking at Hyunmin all… Lovingly. Something ugly came over me, I don't know, so I pulled him by the wrist and lashed out at him. And I know I was wrong for what I did, but Jaemin was too, for staying with me when he knew he loved someone else. We got into a huge fight, and then we just… Kept fighting and fighting and fighting, until Jaemin broke us up for real and told me to stay away from him."
"And then?" the other boy asks him, eyes focused like they haven't been in a while.
"And then I got so shocked. Because I knew we were fighting and I knew there was no hope left for us, but I still had some hope left in me that we would end up together, somehow. That we'd move past it, you know? But we didn't. And during all that time I was avoiding Donghyuck because he didn't remember the kiss and I didn't know how to tell him, so I was really… Alone, you know?" Mark looks at Jeno like he's begging for sympathy, for understanding. "And… I was just so hurt, so I told him me and Donghyuck kissed sober, and on purpose. I guess I wanted to hurt him more than he hurt me, so I lied. And he just got so… Sad, and angry, and he threw a lamp at me. And then told me to never reach out for him again. So I didn't."
"Oh." Jeno awkwardly moves closer, patting Mark's shoulder in an impulse. "And what about Donghyuck?"
Mark sighs again, this time deeper. "We talked it through. I told him I was sorry, and he forgave me. But I guess that took a toll on him bigger than expected - after that, Donghyuck completely sworn off drinking, and any type of drug, honestly. And I did too, because I wanted to support him. We're still best friends, and we managed to get past it, but then… You showed up, and, well… Now he says he wants me and Jaemin to sort things out too. Because he doesn't want to look bad in your eyes. So that's why I'm telling you Donghyuck is completely innocent, and it was all my fault."
Despite himself, Jeno frowns. "It wasn't all your fault. It was Jaemin's, too. For not telling you, I mean."
"I guess so." Mark smiles tiredly, but it's hardly a smile - it's a flinch. "But don't worry about Donghyuck. He's a really nice dude, and he's changed a lot since then, and I know him enough to be sure he just keeps getting better with time."
"Okay, okay," The other boy agrees, shaking his head slowly. "Thank you, Mark. That was really helpful."
"No problem." He pats Jeno's back gently, one foot out to turn around and leave already.
"Oh, and Mark?" Jeno speaks up again just when Mark is about to leave, making him turn to watch him curiously. "I'm not high. I just took my ADHD meds."
"Oh." Mark nods in understanding. "You should get a stronger dose."
"I will," he yells when Mark is already far away from him. "I'm sorry for everything!"
"No problems," he yells back, but doesn't turn around.
Jeno is a very anxious person, still. When he talks back to his dorm and sits in his bed, something ugly unfolds from somewhere between his ribs, shivers up his spine and soft trembles all over his body. He shakes like his body is about to sweat out all this worry, like love is trying to find a way out of this body, like he might just fall ill right here and no one would be there to know. Cold sweat drips down his chest, his shoulders, his neck; it's a quiet death. The adrenaline makes the world blurry, makes Jeno tired, and he really should get a stronger dose if it meant stressful situations wouldn't always end up in anxiety attacks that take him down for hours.
But they do, and that's the reality of being Jeno. And that's the reality he has to let people into, somehow - the only thing between him and vulnerability. It just seems highly unlikely that someone would like him despite knowing him.
Which shouldn't matter, because he's not on Earth for validation, right? He doesn't exist to be liked, right? Everyone feels like this, right? But it does matter, and this winter is the apocalypse, and Jeno curls up under three thick blankets like they might flatten him out from the terrible experience of being a three dimensional human being.
Renjun calls him around eight p.m to invite him for lunch, but Jeno is far too emotionally overwhelmed to answer the phone or interact with others at all. It's Thursday, anyways - he has a 10 a.m class the next morning, and falling asleep early could get him to focus on the lesson. He could even grab breakfast tomorrow, wake up with the sun, buy Donghyuck a slice of rainbow cake because it seems just like something he'd enjoy. He could dress better, take a long shower, deep condition his hair; he could try again in the morning. And Jeno will, because despite every day being a torment, tomorrow always settles in a gentle present, every night feeling like a dream where he promises himself to try again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
The next morning is kind. The next morning is patient. The next morning graces Jeno with soft sunbeams, shining distractedly between grey, angry clouds. There's a storm later, he read it in the news, but the night sky is going to be clean. The clouds are okay, the weather lady had said; they're just blowing off some steam.
Jeno ends up taking a long shower then rushing to a cafe to get Donghyuck a tiny, itty bitty slice of red velvet cake, since the rainbow one was expensive and Jeno would very much like to eat for the rest of the week. He got himself a donut and tea, eating both on the way to class, and he gets what Donghyuck said now - it does feel a lifetime apart from yesterday. The pain is still there, curled onto itself like a baby bird in a nest, and Jeno knows it like it's his firstborn, like it's a part of his anatomy, but today is kinder than yesterday. Jeno is kinder than yesterday.
Donghyuck is early today. He's sitting on the desk in front of where Jeno usually sits, there's a book propped up on his table, and he looks cozy, like he just fell out of Jeno's sleepy daydreams. His lavender shirt and Nike sweatpants deserved a Louvre room on their own, but Jeno would get to that later; he shows up on the doorstep, and Donghyuck smiles. Smiles big, with teeth and soul, like there's a heart begging to fall out of the gap between his lips. There is, and it's Jeno's.
"Jeno!" He whistles, looking fresh in the morning light coming from the classroom's open windows. Donghyuck looks like a puppy - everything about his face is refreshing, from his eyes to his chin to the acne marks and the uncured piercing scars. He's easy to reach out and touch.
"Good morning," Jeno greets, shyly squeezing Donghyuck's shoulder while he makes way to his seat. The boy grabs his wrist gently, looking up with a smile, and Jeno's heart is filled with a thousand alive butterflies.
"Good morning." Donghyuck turns around, flashing him a shinier, even prettier smile. It's always like this with him - he smiles, and Jeno loses it.
"I got this for you," he says, admittedly awkward but still trying his best to maintain eye contact. He hands the bag to him while biting down a smile, which shouldn't be so hard, but Donghyuck is wearing a Hot Wheel band aid on his pointer finger, and it's suddenly too much. "Thank you. For last Friday, I mean. I even had breakfast today."
The other boy inspects the interior of the bag, then resurfaces from it with a soft chuckle, eyeing Jeno up and down. "I can see. You look so fresh."
"Yeah, well…" Jeno scratches his nape shyly. "Trying to update my self care game, but they don't have it in Torrent and I hate Blizzard."
Donghyuck smiles even wider, if that was possible in the first place; if there's any way you can stuff more joy in his face. "Have you tried updating it through Stream?"
His breath gets stuck between his front teeth, and Jeno finds himself saying it without an ounce of discretion: "Oh my God, you're my dream boy."
Donghyuck's eyes widened, cheeks tinted a gentle, mochi-like blush. They goggle at each other for a second, horror seeping through Jeno's pores. Donghyuck looks at him in wonder, but Jeno is too busy mortified by his own subconscious; it came out of him so easily, it's like he could never get it back. Donghyuck is his dream boy and that is out and sealed to the universe, to whoever it may concern.
"Okay," the other boy breathes out, stunned. He turns around to his desk slowly, and doesn't say anything more; Jeno doesn't know enough about him to know what that is supposed to mean. But it does mean something, and Jeno is still very much himself, which means he'll worry and ache over it for the rest of the week.
And worry and ache he does throughout the lesson, his mind racing in a thousand different directions as to why he said that, and what does Donghyuck think of it and how to get out of here and, most importantly, what is he going to do now. How to make up? - for being awkward, for being weird, for being overly attached, for being himself. How to make up for being Jeno, that is.
By apologizing. By making sure every interaction from here is going to be perfect, unapproachable, spotless clean. By repeating this over and over again, so the punishment of Donghyuck's silence makes him never repeat that again, if there is even going to be a second chance, because who can te-
"Jeno," Donghyuck whispers to him almost at the end of the lesson, discreetly passing Jeno a note while staring right at the professor, nodding his head now and then as if he just understood something.
It's folded neatly, and its content is written in blue ink, handwriting just like the notes that came before. Jeno holds it between his pointer and middle finger, gingerly so, like it might rip apart with one breath. Donghyuck notices he's taking too long to read it, and urges him: "Read it!" He whisper-yells, almost a scold.
He's unnecessarily feisty; Jeno loves being instructed. Sometimes, he believes life would be so much easier if someone just told him what he's supposed to do - if someone just ordered him to live his life correctly, as if there was a hidden plan everyone gets to know about except for him.
The note says:
date tmrw at 7? ill meet u at ur dorm
[ ] yes [ ] aha you're so sexy [ ] no
Despite himself and the continuity of his agonies, Jeno is quick to smile and tick an answer:
[ X ] yes [ X ] aha you're so sexy
When it doesn't seem enough, he decides to write down a little bit more.
p.s: my number is +82-105-5556-376. sry 4 being weird :(
i dont have a roommate so dont worry abt knocking. im from block d room number 556. bring a coat tmrws gonna rain
He folds it again, gently smoothing the paper with his fingers until it looks neat enough; once he's done, he passes the note back to Donghyuck, tapping his shoulder to get his attention. Back to its sender in seconds, something ignites in Jeno's chest, some type of hyperactivity that comes with the excitement, and the fear, and everything else that falls into the label of love.
Donghyuck whispers to him again after some time. "You're not weird. You're cute."
"I'm not," he answers, leaning closer to Donghyuck's back. "I'm really sorry for being weird, and crazy, and quiet. I wish I could make it up to you but that's just how I've always been, and I'm really sorry."
At that, the other boy turns around, uncomfortably close to Jeno. They're so close he could count the number of wrinkles in Donghyuck's frown, but he doesn't. "You don't have anything to make up for. You're so lovely."
"That's not true." He states as his final argument, leaning back on his chair. "I know I'm high maintenance."
"You're really not, though?!" Donghyuck says, growing annoyed. The class goes silent as his tone, the teacher shushing them right after. The boy apologizes, then makes himself smaller in his desk, but he still turns around to repeat his words. "You're not, Jeno. You don't know what you're talking about."
"But I d-" he starts.
"No, you don't," he interrupts Jeno, turning around. "We're done here. Liking you is so easy, and you're not weird at all - sure, you might be quiet, but I talk too much and I think we balance each other out. Case closed. Let's go on a date and have fun and not worry about being secretly bad people, okay?"
The teacher scolds them again, growing tired of the disturbance. Jeno has no option but to agree. "Okay," he says. There's no arguing with Donghyuck.
The rest of the day is like a dream, going so quickly and immersed in such sunlight that Jeno can't do nothing but enjoy being alive. His mind is still racing with possibilities, but he decided to lay back on it after arguing with Donghyuck. Even if he is bad, there is no way of convincing him of it, so why waste time? Jeno will let him find out for himself.
It starts to pour around five p.m. The world is ending and Jeno is wrapped up in his duvet, notebook propped up on his lap to finally rewatch the same comfort tv show he always comes back to. It's easy to focus on, and he knows the characters well enough to not have to learn anything new about them. He's three episodes in when someone knocks on his door, loud and strong.
Grunting, Jeno moves out of bed to get it, and is met with Renjun's tiny frame draped in a pastel yellow plaid blazer, his washed out jeans making him look like a preppy kid. Renjun is often described as quirky looking on campus - he has dirty blonde hair with one single blue strike in it, and his clothes are often colorful and cheerful, which is just enough to make him look like a Sesame Street character wearing Louis Vuitton. Jeno just loves looking at him.
"Hi," he says, leaning on the doorway. Jeno would be lying if he said he wanted Renjun to come in.
"Hi, Jeno," Renjun greets. "Why aren't you answering your calls? Jaemin is about to have a heart attack. He made me promise to check up on you."
Jeno makes a face. "I lost my phone."
"That doesn't make sense. You tweeted at least 6 different key smashes minutes ago," he props himself on the doorframe, standing tall to confront Jeno despite not getting to rely on height. "Unless… Are you purposefully ignoring him?"
"No?" He tries. Renjun gives him a look; he's direct and goes straight to the point, so it's easy for Jeno to keep up with him. Most people rely on social clues to communicate, but Jeno is bad at reading them, which makes talking to Renjun a cathartic experience.
"Try again."
"...Yes?" Jeno asks, scratching his nape. He winces. "I'm not ignoring him but I'm also not not ignoring him."
"Huh?" Renjun all but bursts in, sitting on Jeno's bed. He closes the door, staring at Renjun's colorful frame in the middle of his bedroom. "That makes no sense at all."
"Well, to me, it does!" He exclaims, hands on his hips. "I haven't made an effort to ignore him but I also haven't made an effort to answer him either."
"That's making an effort." The boy says, as if it's obvious. "What happened?"
Jeno blinks. What happened, truly? So much. Usually, he's bad at understanding his feelings towards others because life tends to get overwhelming once you pay too much attention to it, and feelings are abstract enough for him to get lost in them - Jaemin helps him often, as the token neurotypical friend, but this time he can't reach out to him, which sucks. His only other way is repressing it, but that always ends up in uncountable meltdowns; so really, he's grown too comfortable in living with Jaemin's help to be without it now.
Just thinking about it makes him anxious, but since Renjun is here to help, he wills it down. "I don't know," he says. "I talked to Mark about what happened between him and Jaemin, and ever since then I've just been weird about it, so I'm avoiding him."
"What do you mean 'weird'?" His friend asks, frowning.
"Renjun," he makes eye contact, hoping his confusion seeps through. "I don't know."
"Oh," Renjun says, looking down. "I'm sorry. I forget that you don't deal with it like we do. How can I help?"
"Just… I don't know. Can you help me figure it out?"
"Yeah, sure." He moves away from the end of the bed to make space for Jeno, who sits beside him. "What do you need?"
"I just… I got so sad when I heard about what happened and how… I wasn't a part of it at all. Like, I had no idea." Jeno huffs tiredly, leaning on Renjun's shoulder. He's taller and broader and takes a lot more space than Renjun does, but his friend wraps an arm around him anyways. "I don't know. I don't want to keep ignoring him."
"I'm no psychology major," Renjun starts. "But I feel like maybe you're just upset he didn't tell you about Mark. And you miss your best friend, but you can't be around him because it makes you sad."
"Yeah, I guess," he shrugs. "I don't know. I'll stop ignoring him."
"Just invite him over tonight," his friend suggests, patting Jeno's hair. "I'm sure he'd drop anything to come over and be with you."
And Jeno has the show today, but it doesn't matter. He does this, sometimes - disappears for one or two weeks, then comes back as if nothing happened. People don't care for it, to a certain extent; they are back as soon Jeno is, but no one is going to miss it on Friday nights.
"Yeah, I think I will," Jeno agrees. It's not like he enjoys being away from Jaemin for too long, anyways. "Can you tell him to drop by when you leave? I really did lose my phone. I forgot where I left it."
Renjun chuckles, squeezing Jeno to his chest like they might become one in the fondness they share. Their relationship might not be of such a close nature, but Renjun makes the effort to meet Jeno where he ends, to make up for the times where he hasn't been around. In that sense, he is truly a treasure - few will look at the world with Jeno's eyes and find it worthy of knowing about. "Oh my God, Jeno," he laughs, joyful. "I've missed you. The gang feels so empty without you there."
I'm sure that's not the case, he wants to say, but his mouth is quite literally muffled by Renjun's blazer, and it's not worth the effort. In more ways than one, this type of tight holding could be medicine to each and every agony - Renjun holds him so tight it's like his flesh and bones are being glued back together, like he will not break because someone is holding all the pieces together.
Renjun leaves after the rain, and the trail he leaves behind is the quiet chuckle of his voice and the symphony of words he so carefully strings together every time he opens his mouth. Renjun is a treasure. Jeno would do about anything for him - which is to say, Heejin is also a treasure, and he'd do anything for her. And Yangyang is a treasure, he'd do anything for him. And Yerim, and Jaemin, and Donghyuck. The older Jeno grows, the more he realizes people are truly all that he's got in for this life; that this is about how good it gets. Lucky him, then.
Jaemin comes even before Jeno finds his phone, which only proves he's been sitting around all day waiting to be contacted - Jeno knows, because their fights always end up in waiting for the other to reach out. And they always do so. He's quite literally panting when he reaches on Jeno's door, Hyunmin's jacket all crinkled over his body and zipped up entirely because Jaemin is always cold. Because he doesn't eat well, Jeno remembers.
"Are you okay?" He asks as Jaemin crouches down, still breathing heavily. He sounds like he came running from his book club meeting, and Jeno honestly believes he did. He's so touched he can't put it into words; someone is willing to run across campus and climb four flights of stairs for Jeno.
Jaemin doesn't answer, waving his hand around while still trying to find his breath. He probably should exercise more, but Jeno is no one to judge him for his bad habits considering they are very few compared to his. He's about to ask Jaemin if he wants an asthma inhaler when his best friend stretches up, hair disheveled from the wind and lips cracked because of the cold; shaking. Jeno visibly flinches - despite it all, this is the face of love, and it stares back at him through the dark bags under Jaemin's eyes.
"I'm fine." He stares up at Jeno, huffing. Jaemin is consistently good at being a mess, no matter how much he prides himself in sounding calm and nonchalant. He leans down like he's about to vomit, but recomposes himself halfway through it. With an awkward cough, he continues: "I'm sorry. I feel like I'm going to throw up dinner."
"You seriously need to hit the gym more often," Jeno exclaims, horrified. He lets Jaemin in, watching the boy make a beeline for his bed and throw himself in it while clutching his stomach dramatically. "You're not going to puke. You just ran a few miles - literally not even a full kilometer."
"I ran across campus!" Jaemin defends himself, curling into a ball. His face is flunked in Jeno's pillow, like a child looking for comfort, and Jeno wonders how anyone can find such a thing in someone like him.
"It's a small campus!" He argues, throwing his duvet over Jaemin and watching as the shivers start to take longer breaks between each other.
Jaemin cozies himself up under the duvet, sneezing once in a while, and Jeno just.. Watches. He watches, because this is his best friend, and he has been there for him every single day since seventh grade, despite knowing hanging out with Jeno would just get them both targeted. It's insane, then, that he didn't know about Mark - because this is Jaemin, and Jeno knows everything about him. Jeno was the first non-family member to know Jaemin is adopted, Jeno was the first one to know about his sexuality, the one who held his hand during vaccine shots. "Why didn't you tell me about Mark and Donghyuck?"
At that, his best friend sits up, face suddenly serious. He supports himself on his hands, sighing. "How much do you know?"
"Everything, I think," he says. "Unless Mark hid something."
"You talked to Mark?" Jaemin asks, but it doesn't sound like he's that shocked. Instead, he looks like he's been expecting for it to happen - like he knew this would catch up to him somehow.
"Yeah. I did." Jeno stares at him, unmoving.
His best friend switches positions again, strengthening his back and crossing his legs. "Look, I'm sorry," he apologizes, looking at Jeno in the eye. "I knew this would happen the moment you first said you and Donghyuck interacted, but Yangyang told me to let it go. And I did. And I'm sorry. For keeping it from you, I mean."
"I'm not mad," Jeno confides to him, frowning. "I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell me that."
Jaemin sighs, throwing his arms around. "Because," he says. "I was scared you'd think I was a bad person. And I was scared of you being overwhelmed by it. And by then, remember how hard you were struggling with classes? I just didn't want to bother you. You had so much going on."
And Jeno does remember. Freshman year of college was terrible for him - having to adapt to living alone, having to remember when to eat, having to keep up with homework and assignments and new things coming up every day. It's already distressing for people as it is, but Jeno had ADHD to worsen it, and that entire year felt like a fever dream. He was either working too hard and falling sick for it or not bothering about classes at all, which led him to stay the entire day locked in his dorm. Even then, Jaemin always showed up for him - whether by buying him ramen and feeding him himself when he was too tired or by locking himself up with Jeno all day, trying to get him out of bed.
It just doesn't sit right with him that, during that time where Jeno couldn't even get out of his dorm and his best friend had to bribe him to go to class, Jaemin was going through his first real heartbreak. That he was crying and sobbing by himself whenever Jeno didn't see him, that he was constantly under so much emotional stress - it just doesn't seem fair.
"I would never think you're a bad person," he says, finally. Jaemin opens his mouth to interrupt, but Jeno goes on: "That being said… Jaemin, things will always be a little harder for me. Always. There will never be a time where life comes easy to me, and I'm at peace with that. You can't stop counting on me every time you think things are too overwhelming, because they'll always be." Jeno adjusts his reading glasses, reaching out to pat Jaemin's arm. "You don't have to give so much without getting anything back, and… It makes me sad that you'd push me away from your life like that. It makes me feel… Excluded."
Jaemin grabs Jeno's hand, gingerly interlocking their fingers together and pushing Jeno to lay beside him, two bodies trying to fit in in a single bed. "I'm sorry," he pouts, eyes watery. Jaemin hardly ever cries in front of others, but Jeno knows he gets his defenses incredibly weak. "I really am. I don't want to ever exclude you from my life because you mean so much to me, Jeno. I mean… Just not talking to you today, not knowing how you were, that was terrible. I kept worrying if you were doing okay, if you had eaten already, if I could do anything to help you take notes." He shakes his head, wrapping a loose arm around Jeno's middle. "20% of my life is just figuring out how to make things easier for you, okay? That's how much I love you. I don't want you to think, for a second, that I would choose to be without you. Ever."
"I know you wouldn't," Jeno nods, squeezing Jaemin's hand. "But you can rely on me too. Please don't think I'm not fully capable of helping you live life easier, too." He wants to flinch at the amount of times he repeated the word 'too', but keeps it cool in order to make a point.
Jaemin buries his head in Jeno's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he says. "You really are so capable. Sometimes I just… get lost in wanting to take care of you. I'm sorry. It really won't happen again."
"Okay." He pats Jaemin's back, agreeing easily. He's growing bored of this argument, anyways. They lay in silence.
It starts to rain again, and suddenly they're both yawning like little kids. It's nowhere near 8pm, and they shouldn't be this tired, but today was a long day, and Jaemin needs to rest after worrying so much. He is so beautiful, so kind - Jeno would never do anything to hurt him, would never want to live in a world where his best friend doesn't get to have all the best things in the world. Unfortunately, the world is still very large, and Jeno can't do much except wishing those things over him, but Jaemin is a hardworking man and he will get there eventually. That's a relief.
"I have a date with Donghyuck tomorrow," he mumbles, sleepy.
Jaemin smiles against his shoulder, equally as tired as Jeno is. He nuzzles closer, smelling of chalk and coffee; book club must have had a debate night. "I'm so proud of you," he says, voice muffled. "I'm going to interrogate you when I wake up."
"Okay," Jeno agrees again, yawning. The yawn goes back to Jaemin, and they lay in silence again.
This is life, for Jeno. It may not be always kind or beautiful, but it is real nonetheless. He's still not sure of how one can be simultaneously so happy and so sad all the time, but Jaemin helps him understand it, and healing is a community activity anyways. He didn't lie about being at peace with himself; Jeno knows not everyone is going to understand him, but life is a long term commitment to find the people who will, and the ones that are here are already great as they are. This is life for him - and it's overwhelming, but it's where Jeno lives and the skin he is under.
Jaemin does interrogate him when they wake up from that nap at two in the morning, rain still going heavy outside. They play Uno cards and rewatch the same show Jeno has been rewatching since middle school, Jaemin happily interacting with it by trying to remember all the characters by name and getting them right every time because of how many nights he's had to see it. He just knows about Jeno, and Jeno just knows about him; when it comes to their individual identities, they're but a secret shared with each other, one that no one else knows about. Jeno is aware that one day they are just going to sink too hard on each other's shoulders and disappear from humankind, and he is okay with that. What an honor.
Jaemin doesn't go back to his dorm, and they end up falling asleep again, munching on hidden snacks Jeno keeps for food emergencies. He wants to die when Jaemin leaves a flaming hot cheeto fingerprint on his duvet, and he does make plans to wash it first thing in the morning tomorrow, but he doesn't mention it. Instead, he coddles Jaemin to his chest like he's a little bird, and somewhere between that he finds himself at home.
Donghyuck knocks on his door at 7:20 p.m, sheepishly apologizing for being late while swinging a Miniso bag on his wrist, as if to say 'here's the reason'. Despite himself, Jeno loves gifts - whether cheap or expensive, bought or homemade, useful or completely missing the point. The act of thinking about someone and wanting them to have something from you in their daily lives is already too much for his heart, and it settles rather comfortably on his dream romance list.
It's one of those animal perfumes, barely smaller than Jeno's palm. He doesn't have the heart to tell Donghyuck that he rarely ever wears perfume, that neutral scents are the only thing he can truly appreciate, but it doesn't stop him from pressing the tiny package to his chest, like a dragon hoarding their treasure. In a way, this one gift will add up to the small pile of things Jeno would like to take him everywhere he could; there are not many items he cares a lot about, but that's just overcompensating for the fact that Jeno did carry the mini sized beanie baby Jaemin gave him on 11th grade everywhere he went, grant the comfort it emanated.
Love, he figured out by then, was somehow like throwing herbs and potions onto a cauldron and using it to level up his mana, therefore making him stronger, wiser, kinder.
"Thank you so much," he thanks Donghyuck, reaching to place the flask on his bedside table. "'I'm sorry I didn't get you anything. Buying gifts kind of freaks me out."
"It's fine," Donghyuck smiles, wide and soft like a lifetime long Care Bears episode. "It's just a silly little thing for you."
"Okay, but I did love it," Jeno bats his eyelashes gingerly, trying to test waters with Jaemin's flirting tips. Bat your eyelashes, double tuck your hair behind your ears, smile a lot, talk loud and clear, he repeats to himself. "Are you going to tell me where we're heading to? Because some places here make me jittery."
The boy nods, leaning onto the doorway like an 80's movie daydream. He's not all that assertive, per se, and he almost misses the door by a lot, but hey, Donghyuck got there. It's fine, it's cute. "I am aware of that. Yangyang told me, and don't worry - we'll avoid the dance center and the bar! I know their music is so loud it's concerning, but they're nice people despite that."
Jeno chuckles, shaking his head. He gets closer to Donghyuck, doing the double tuck Jaemin told him about. "You know everyone on campus, it's memorable."
Donghyuck's mouth falls open a little, kind of mesmerized even if Jeno doesn't want to read too much into it. He blinks for a few seconds, then avoids eye contact.
"I mean…" He starts again, snapping out of it. "Yeah, no, I mean… Not everyone. A few. Yeah. I might have karaoke night with the art kids and I might have went on drunk runs with the track team but that's just because the drinks were free."
"To me, that's a lot of people," he comments, smiling a little. "See? I've lived here for two years now, and I didn't even know we had a track team."
"Yeah, but who cares about track, anyways?" Donghyuck shrugs, reaching out to gently pull at Jeno's sweatshirt. "I really like this."
It's just a normal white sweatshirt. It has nothing special to it. Jeno tries to avoid frowning over it - maybe Donghyuck is just being nice.
"Thank you," he says, again. Jeno looks around his dorm, trying to think of anything he could've forgotten and concluding not long after that he had everything on him, all set to leave. He abruptly steps outside, making Donghyuck jump back, startled.
Jeno stares at him for a moment before bursting into laughter. "What was that? Do you get spooked that easily?"
"No!" The boy protests, blushing a clear, bloodshot red. "Shut up. Shut up. "
He makes a motion to zip up his mouth, pretending to even throw the fake key away as he tries not to giggle. Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but still places a hand on the small of Jeno's back as they make their way to the staircase, quietly chatting.
"I'm taking you to an outdoor cinema tonight," Donghyuck tells him, lending Jeno one of the three jackets he was wearing as they walk out of the building's lobby. It's a kind night, not a lot of stars but an infinity of neutral darkness who leaves no leg room for guessing - Jeno's favorite. The moon stands tall where it always is, which is somehow comforting. "Well, not fully outdoors. But it's behind the science building and the view is fantastic."
"What if it rains?" he asks, trying to keep up with Donghyuck's long steps to the science building.
"Then it rains," the boy answers, walking as if he owned the ground he stands upon. Some people, Jeno figures, just have that type of confidence; they weren't born into it, or forged to accept it, they just gave it to themselves. Donghyuck turns around to look at Jeno, who gave him a quizzed look. "Don't worry, I won't let you get wet. I mean, unless you want me t-
"I do not," Jeno interrupts. "I really do not."
"Okay, Jeez," Donghyuck laughs, snaking his fingers between Jeno's like he has been doing it for years. Like it's nothing. "Feisty."
They bicker throughout the way, Jeno falling into every single word trap Donghyuck throws at him because he simply does not pay enough attention to detail. By the time they're there, he starts to wonder how he'll even sit through an entire movie without shaking his leg, or looking away, or pausing it, or getting up to get tea, or - anyways. How?
And then someone's truck is set up with blankets and pillows, parked in the exact middle of the science building parking lot, facing the wall directly. There's a projector beside it, supported by a disposable table Donghyuck probably got from his own dorm, and Jeno is rendered speechless. It's so simple, yet so adoring in everything it is, in everything it communicates - I have place for you here, in my thoughts. I care about your comfort.
On purpose, he squeezes Donghyuck's hands, hoping the blood rush of getting his hand almost flattened out by Jeno's wonder will convey all the gratefulness he holds.
"Just make yourself comfortable." Donghyuck squeezes back, letting go of Jeno's hand right after. It feels colder. "I'll be back soon, promise - I'll just set things up. You know, uhm, pressing the play button."
"Okay!" Jeno nods, doing as he's told and getting himself comfortable; he rolls around in the blankets, trying to figure out if this is going to work for him or not, but there's nothing inherently uncomfortable about it. It still feels weird like laying on anywhere but his bed always does, but it's supposed to be like that, so he ignores it.
Donghyuck comes back a few minutes later, a bag of marshmallows on his hand and a laptop on the other. It's ridiculous, how well thought this has been - it's like Donghyuck really cared about making Jeno feel comfortable, which is unfair, because how could anyone ever pair up with that? How could anyone, in the entire world be sweeter, kinder, smarter, funnier? It doesn't make sense. There's no one like Donghyuck.
"Okay, so I know ADHD people have problems watching movies," the boy starts, laying next to Jeno and placing the laptop on his lap. "So I figured I'd let you choose what we're watching, since you know yourself better, right? But if you want to stop watching anytime, just pause it and we can, uh. Lay down, I guess. Stargaze, maybe - whatever."
Jeno chuckles. Whatever.
"Okay." He nods, looking through Donghyuck's gallery. It's mostly animation movies, romantic comedies, and one single documentary about psychology that was registered in today's downloads, just a few minutes ago. "Did you download this for me?"
Donghyuck pretends to look over Jeno's shoulder in confusion, as if he didn't know what he was talking about. "What?"
"This documentary," Jeno turns to his left, smiling. "It shows here you just downloaded it minutes ago."
"Huh? Well, computers are robots and robots are crazy," he avoids Jeno's eyes, quickly scooping over his laptop and pressing the play button. "Anyways… Psychology. Interesting. Let's watch.
Jeno gives him a sideways look, wondering if fondness just flashes on his face like multiple colors of a painting, abstract in the way poets with they were. The average passionate relationship lasts one or two years, if you're lucky he remembers reading, letting his hand fall gently over Donghyuck's wrist, warm and steady and so very alive; he wants to be really lucky with him. Really, really lucky.
It's a short, lively documentary - there were lots of interviews and not so much history telling, which is a blessing for Jeno's brain. The entire time, he resisted the urge to lean over Donghyuck and whisper a few comments, but that's just because he's not used to watching things in silence, if he ever did that at all. In general, movies are simply not his thing; everyone knows that.
But Donghyuck doesn't, and he sits through it happily, like there is no life for him if not being here, right now. Like the long stretch of silence after the documentary ends is just part of a wonderful adventure, and not fruit of Jeno's unchallenging awkwardness. He just starts talking, then - about nothing in particular, about Heejin's mother and Christmas and hey, did you know there's a study for that? And did you know I read it for class?
"I really want to talk to the moon," Donghyuck says as the night sails over his head, dripping of green scents and the 3 a.m, sleepover type of intimacy that cicadas' singing hold. He's good at listening to Jeno's rambling; he's better at talking. "But… I wouldn't know what to say."
Jeno rolls over, the grip of time as tight as ever on his heart. There is something lonely about sharing this empty space with Donghyuck and telling him an infinity of nothings, even if it's to him those nothings are shared. The field is held by the night's dark arms, strong and fierce like a mother would be, cradling the world - Jeno's world - to its chest. Shh, it shushes. You are my beautiful child. And it is this world I want you to belong from.
The world is a mother, then; or Jeno is, and he's coddling the heaviness of existence, the radicalism of guilt, the empty space between him and Donghyuck that cries from grief, from sorrow. He's holding it to his body, he's pressing the warm pain to his chest and shoulders and stomach, and he's holding it out for Donghyuck to grab. This is me, he wants to believe. This is me. Will you hold it for me? Will you make it easier to carry?
"I'd be too shy, I think." Jeno wants to cry. "What if the moon doesn't like me?"
"Well," Donghyuck's sly smile smells of burnt wood and spring nights trapped under sparkly nail polish. In Jeno's defense, Donghyuck smiled and suddenly - spring. Violently spring, radically spring, bloodshot spring. "I like you. Who cares about what the moon thinks?"
And then; are we talking about the moon? Or is this you that you're showing? Is there a real discussion underneath it all?
But there isn't. Donghyuck reaches a hand out to flat Jeno's untamed mess of black hair, and it's spring in the middle of Seoul winter. And it has been spring. And it will continue to be spring - for as long as Donghyuck will have him.
"I do," Jeno smiles back, his breath failing him for a few seconds. "I suppose I do." There are lots of things he wants to say to Donghyuck, an infinity of memories and thoughts and ideas that he wishes he could just unwind like a wire, wrapping himself around the other boy's wrist. How is he supposed to tell Donghyuck that he dreams of being the passing trains, the hanging pomegranates, the sliced mandarin and the lips around it? How does one say that they want to be a dangling earring in a dead man's corpse without evoking some kind of strangeness, some kind of bad reaction?
And the main question is, of course: How could he show himself to Donghyuck, knowing he might not enjoy what he sees?
"You care a lot, Jeno," he says, as nonchalant as the breeze. Does the sun care about the moon? No, it shines and it burns. "It's okay. Just care about combing your hair more often."
At that, Jeno joys himself in quiet laughter. "Shut the fuck up."
"No, for real, though." Donghyuck moves to get impossibly closer, tapping Jeno's hip. "I do like you. Can I tell you something stupid?"
"Better than anyone I know," he smiles, wrinkling his nose.
"Shut up, I taught you that one!" The boy rolls his eyes, moving to lay on his back. Like that, Donghyuck's silhouette looks like the entire world, all long legs and soft angles. "It's just stupid, but… Well. And I have never done that because of anyone before - and I think you've made me too soft - but, uhm, I was supposed to be calling an advice column to ask about you last night."
Jeno smiles, still dumbfounded. "What?"
"It's because, uhm. I don't know. I don't get crushes often, and you're so… Different from everyone I know, and I wanted to be careful in every step. Because you're so beautiful." He looks up to the sky, ears reddening. "And, anyways, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I even used a fake name and all. Haechan. I just wanted to - I don't know, I wanted to be good for you."
But Donghyuck is always good. And Jeno - Jeno is admittedly bad. Bad enough to not recognize Donghyuck through the phone every Friday night, bad enough to not realize all the stories shared had him as the main character, bad enough to suck in a nervous breath as those words leave Donghyuck's mouth. The surprise hits him like a punch in the gut, and he chokes on air, coughing violently.
Donghyuck jerks up, worried, and pats Jeno's back as he coughs, hands gentle. He is so, so good - Jeno doesn't know if he should feel grateful or scared. Just the idea of losing it is enough to make him cough again, harder, his entire body operating on panic and the fear of rejection if Donghyuck ever finds out he's been talking to Jeno this whole time. He's shaking his leg, swallowing dry, playing with his jacket like it might shield him; it's everything he knows he does when he's about to freak out, and Donghyuck is just worriedly squeezing his shoulder, trying to get him to talk, to breathe, to reconnect.
Eventually, he does. It's out of fear, and it's out of shame, but Donghyuck's voice is enough to bring him back to the physical world.
"How are you doing?" He asks, gingerly playing with Jeno's hair as the boy pants. "I'm so sorry if something I said freaked you out. I just - I can't take it back, though. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"I'm fine." Jeno buries his head in Donghyuck's shoulder, shivering despite the three layers he was wearing. It's Winter in the middle of Spring, again. "I'm fine. You didn't say anything to freak me out, I promise," he lies. "It was just… A random thought. About something bad. I'm sorry."
"No, don't be sorry," Donghyuck holds his nape, quietly shushing him. "You're okay. You're fine. See? It's fine. No thought bigger and stronger than you. We can even go home if you want."
And Jeno could go on with the date, he really could - he could say it was okay, that it doesn't matter anymore, but it does, doesn't it? He knows himself well enough to know once he gets jittery it's hard to just go back, even if he was peaceful a few minutes before. So he nuzzles Donghyuck's neck, desperately clinging to him, and asks for the one thing he's scared of never getting: "Can I get a kiss first? Then we leave. Please."
He hears Donghyuck gulp, fingers working their way through Jeno's back in a careful massage. "Okay. Maybe when we get back to your dorm? It's really going to rain, I think. I don't want you to get sick."
Jeno sighs, detaching himself from him. He tries to sound fake-upset, to pout like he's not actually bothered, but it's hard to manage pretending and his own feelings at the same time. That's the thing most people don't get about being neurodivergent - when you're born, you believe yourself to be a body. When you're diagnosed, you believe yourself to be a brain. After a few months of it, you realize the space you occupy in this flesh bag is decreasing with time, always a little bit too small for comfort; there's a disconnect between him and his body, and his mind, and his nerves and veins and muscles. Jeno is out there, and he sees himself in everything but his body.
So he frowns the entire way home, and it hurts him to see Donghyuck apologize profusely, but there's not a way to tell his face to stop. There's not a way to press a button in his head that says "act neurotypical", and maybe that's the entire problem of being Jeno, after all. No matter how much he likes to believe it's possible, there's no way he can just change who he is abruptly, from night to day. He's not even sure if he can be long term healed.
Then they're in Jeno's hall, and Donghyuck grabs his face ever so gently, his ears between the boy's fingers like he is a very precious thing Donghyuck doesn't want to lose sight of. Like he is an agitated bird, and Donghyuck is just trying to keep him caged.
"Do you want this?" He whispers, ever so gently.
Does Jeno? Yes. Of course. Donghyuck is so kind to him, so good, so merciful and right - it's so hard to not want more .
"God, yes," Jeno breathes out.
Donghyuck wastes no time, leaning closer and pressing his lips against Jeno's like anything in this place, in this country, in this world matters - like they have anything to live for, like global warming isn't going to kill them in a matter of two decades. Jeno wants to get lucky and live those two decades alongside him, but there's not much he can do except clutch Donghyuck's elbow, trying to convey a lifetime of doubt in one single kiss.
Jeno gasps as they break apart, holding Donghyuck in the same position for at least a few minutes, enjoying the proximity. It's not similar to anything he has ever felt before, which is not a big list of things, but it sure is better than the usual frustration and casual depression. He pecks him again, then again, then another time, until Donghyuck reluctantly pulls away.
"Jeno, you need to rest," he announces, holding Jeno back by his waist. "You're not feeling well."
"I'm never feeling well!" Jeno argues, frustrated. Donghyuck has a point, but still - when is Jeno even okay? "Everything is just shitty all the time. The lights are too bright and I can't get As even if I bribe my teacher. There's no hope for me, let me keep kissing you."
The boy chuckles, placing a hand on Jeno's cheek. He is a little bit shorter, but Jeno always feels like he's looking up to Donghyuck, no matter their height difference. "Yeah, I know. Still, go to bed. I'll see you next Friday."
Jeno wants to whine, but he doesn't out of self respect. He's obsessed with Donghyuck's touch, but he lets it at the promise of next Friday. He watches Donghyuck leave with those exact words playing on his head repeatedly - next Friday, next Friday, next Friday. A lifetime until then.
A lifetime it is. Jeno is already up for his 10 AM class at the tender hour of 8 AM, buzzing around in excitement like a bee; it's physically hard not to. He's been giving their relationship a lot of thought, as of lately - and Jeno came to the conclusion that sooner or later Donghyuck will figure out by himself that Jeno is ZN from the advice segment, and by then he'll figure out if it matters or not. It's, of course, much easier said than done, but Jeno has been living with the constant anxiety of being left for too long to reject it now that he's at his prime.
And anyways, Donghyuck was too good to be true. Of course there should be a hanging thread in the middle of it, one small mistake that could be able to end it all - otherwise it wouldn't be Jeno's life. Otherwise it would be someone else, someone who isn't widely known for their bad luck and flawed behavior. That doesn't stop him from obsessing over it for the entire week, though, even at times when he was texting or calling Donghyuck. It seems, to him, the boy has taken such a natural place in Jeno's brain that it's been hard trying to tone it down, as Jeno is also known for overdoing hyperfixations.
But today is Friday, and Destiny is unsure, so he pushes that away in the moment he walks into the classroom, dressed in perfectly clean clothes and with a new, fresh haircut (courtesy of Heejin's roommate, bless her heart). And it is with a heavy, perhaps even broken heart that he realizes Donghyuck isn't in class today.
The thing about him is - he just goes in an out as much as he pleases, like an outdoors cat. Because of knowing the entire campus, it's easy for Donghyuck to just adjust things to his liking, creating a web of people who would lie for him with no second thought. Jeno knows because that's how he got into their Psychology lesson despite being a Literature major with no signed up classes; by asking favors. By telling people to agree with him when he says he's been busy, by making them say they've totally seen him before in that class and are you going insane, teacher? Donghyuck has always been around!
So maybe he just doesn't like that lecture anymore. Maybe he's walking into another classroom right now, and maybe it's Organic Chemistry or Fashion or Animal Biology or - and God forbid - European History. Just the thought of him sitting with the European History class makes Jeno want to vomit, but even then it might just be that he had actual breakfast this morning and his stomach isn't used to it yet. He is so alarmed through the lesson he doesn't even get to nap, which means he manages to hold a half assed attention span for the entirety of it, having to actually listen for two hours about a class he only signed up for because Google told him to.
He keeps fiddling with his phone all day, waiting for Donghyuck to text him something, anything. Hey, Jeno, I moved out of the country, see ya. Hey, Jeno, we will never kiss again. Lol. See ya. Hey, Jeno, I enlisted in the military because I know you hate them, lol. Merry Christmas!
And in the worst, worst case scenario - hey, Jeno. I just don't want you anymore now that I had a taste of who you are. See ya.
And it's stupid, because Donghyuck is not that kind of person, and he is often described as kind and attentive by the people around him. Still - he kissed a boy who had a boyfriend, but even then that boy kissed him first and Donghyuck was just high and confused. Jeno would be better off if Donghyuck was a bad person, but the truth is that he isn't. He's lovable, sweet, funny, smart, careful, and most of all - he called an advice column every Friday night without fail just to be good for Jeno, just to make sure he's treating him right.
To know all the things Haechan said were about him is still shaking him at this core - that he's beautiful and smart, that he's adorably clumsy, that he looks cute when he doesn't get wordplay, that he has broad shoulders that make him look "hot". Those are still things Jeno is pushing off to process, solely because he doesn't believe in himself enough to go through it without devoting an entire lifetime to Donghyuck. It's that sense of being seen, that feeling of being given affection after so many years of social exclusion and alienation; it just scares him how much harder he'd fall for Donghyuck if he dug through that type of thought. How much dependence he would hold over him.
Donghyuck texts him around three p.m, letting him know that he is sick and just woke up from a fever dream about a Wannaone member he refuses to name. He doesn't apologize for missing class or disappearing, but it's okay because Jeno knows he doesn't think it's a big deal. It is, for Jeno, but not for Donghyuck.
Are you sure you're okay? He had texted, trying to focus on his assignment and failing miserably at it. Yeah? just peachy lol Donghyuck answers not long later, the same comic undertone he always uses. Jeno figures it makes sense that everything Donghyuck says can come off as a joke - like that, any real meaning he has behind his words is covered by a thick layer of humor, making his intentions unknown. It's a classic hiding behind a wall behavior, and Jeno knows so because he spent twenty years trying to figure out social clues and from where they come from.
His emotions merge into one another ever so tenuously, going from worried to sad to anxious to annoyed. It's easy for him to get angry at people when he's scared they'll leave him, because anger is better than sadness, better than tears, better than anxiety attacks just after lunch. It all comes from a place of nervousness, a place of insecurity, a deep fear of rejection; that is why he doesn't act on it. He lets those feelings simmer, doesn't allow them to see the light, and tries to distract the big knot in his stomach by telling it he could get sushi for dinner tonight.
And when it's around eight, and he's been eating sushi for about half an hour because his stomach refuses to eat its feelings, Jeno decides to host the radio show tonight, even if for the sake of distraction only.
"Okay," he tells the listeners, trying not to sound too stiff, too bothered. "I won't be telling you why I wasn't around last Friday, but I will be telling you why I'm around tonight: because Jesus Christ, I know things happen for a reason, but what the fuck, am I right? Anyways, here's The 1975's entire discography. Enjoy."
The songs play relentlessly, and it feels like the world might end along with them, and everything is so underwhelming. Nothing can get him as high strung as worrying about Donghyuck's situation does, and that's why he has a hard time concentrating - he needs closure, he always does, and at the moment he has to wait, which isn't exactly Jeno's strongest skill. He's just so scared of being too flawed for Donghyuck's liking, too weird or too crazy or too obsessive to ever pursue romantic love. Jeno is just so, so scared of dying alone.
And he knows that comes from a bad place in his heart, an insecurity he hasn't gone through yet, but there isn't an exact statistic on how many people with ADHD actually move on to find love and happiness in their lives. Jeno has been down that rabbit hole before - 60% of people with ADHD feel maladjusted in marriages, studies show that when people with ADHD grow older they're more prone to divorce, a lot of ADHD having people say their spouses get angry or frustrated at them more often than they would get at neurotypical partners. It all adds up to the notion that Jeno, in all that he is and in all that he can't change, won't ever, in his life, find love. Never. That's scary.
Reading about it is scary. It's bad. Couples report being too emotionally tired to be intimate, growing less and less fond of each other as ADHD symptoms go on, and fighting way too much over how to manage being mentally ill while married. That, and the idea that his neurodivergence might be the one thing that keeps him alone forever, is almost too much to take on his own. He wants to cry, to call Jaemin, but he can't, because the live sign is on and ending it would just prove to everyone and himself that Jeno just can't manage, can't even cope. It would just make him feel useless.
He keeps going on, then - answering calls and swallowing down his watery eyes for the sake of normality, for the sake of pretending to be leading an easy life. And just when he's about to calm down again, Donghyuck bursts through his door, a DVD on his hand and popcorn on the other.
Jeno wants to believe what he is doing isn't obvious, but isn't, though? The caller keeps repeating ZN incessantly as Jeno falls silent, and he's been caught red handed in the act. He curses himself at the prospect of the tears welling up on his eyes, overwhelmed by the crushing weight of this moment, but Donghyuck is so deadly quiet, so unlike him and all that he represents. His lips fall half open in a silent 'oh', and Jeno quickly closes his laptop, ending the call
"Look, I can explain-" he starts, getting up from his chair. Jeno tries to stand tall, to be loud and cohesive and confident, but all that comes out is a teary, panicked voice. He knows he sounds shaky and untrustworthy, but he wants to say - I too just figured that out. I didn't know. I'm sorry. But he doesn't. All that comes out is a weak: "Please."
Donghyuck looks around, still silent. He drops the DVD on the ground by accident, startling the both of them from it. "I'm just… Gonna go," he declares, with no emotion whatsoever. Like a doll, like an unmoving sun. "Yeah. I'll just go."
"No, please-" Jeno starts, but it's far too late.
He drops on his bed, sighing so deeply it might have unwinded from his ancestors, from people he might have never even seen before. Jeno tries, he really tries to heal - but just as when he's about to like himself, he does things like this, and it's hard to just keep starting things again and again. Maybe he's just detestable. Maybe that's it.
He wants to say he did the most honorable thing and sent an apology to Donghyuck right away, which he did, but only after popping a sleeping pill. Then, the rest is rest.
When he's about to fall asleep, on the limbo between dreams and real life, Jeno thinks he would enjoy it if he could just sleep through his life. He can't, but he wishes he could.
The week following that is the apocalypse, to him. He doesn't see Donghyuck at all, despite calling and texting for what seemed like a billion times - all ignored. All Jeno does is sleep, not even managing to talk to Jaemin about it because what, then? How is he going to tell Jaemin he ruined the one chance he had at love, the one person who truly cared? And how is he going to say that without getting scolded?
Because Jaemin always tells him he'll find love, but Jaemin is pretty. Jaemin does not have ADHD. Jaemin doesn't cry at the overwhelming weight of reality, isn't hypersensitive or terrible at picking up social clues. Jaemin's chances at having a durable, healthy marriage aren't 60% negative. As much as he loves Jeno, as much as he knows him and takes care of him, Jaemin just doesn't get it. He's starting to believe no one does.
Heejin texts him about an ADHD support group by art students, and while Jeno might've wanted to attend, he's too tired to do anything. He hasn't been eating well, hasn't done many assignments, hasn't turned in homework - he can tell people are worried, but what's the point? College students with ADHD only have a 5% graduation rate, anyways. It's not like Jeno believes he'll ever get out of this place with a degree.
He picks up Jaemin's calls, but only barely. Renjun visits him once in a while, and Jeno is good at playing it cool, at pretending he's just been tired, but he knows Renjun knows. He knows people are aware of his every movement, like an endangered Albatross being watched by worried scientists. In some ways, it's even worse than being left alone - he feels crazy, and weird, and out of circulation, as though as if Jeno was a broken toy with no economic revenue.
And Donghyuck is always on his mind, during all times - mostly because he just seems to be everywhere. In random students eating bagels outside, in Jaemin's cow print jacket, in Psychology documentaries and marshmallows. Jeno has been rewatching the DVD he left behind back to back; an Addam's Family musical with lots of colors and attention catching scenes, perfect for him. He could probably cite it entirely at this point, considering he's been watching it every free six hours he has. All in all, it hasn't been easy. It truly hasn't.
By Thursday, he's about to give up entirely in hearing from Donghyuck. Something in him just tells him to move on from it, that that was probably it for them, and that there will never be another kiss. Needless to say, he cries. A lot. So much Jaemin starts crying as well in the moment Jeno opens the door with puffy eyes and a snotty nose, beelining for Jaemin's chest, wanting to be comforted. He sobs so hard he starts hiccuping, so hard he gets a headache, so hard he needs Jaemin to force him to take his medicine or else he won't do it.
It just feels terrible. It just does. There is no explanation for it - it's terrible. He hopes Donghyuck doesn't hate him, doesn't think he's a terrible person, because Jeno really tries hard to not be one, but that doesn't always work out for him because it is inherently tied to paying attention to detail, and he's not good at that.
He's sobbing into Jaemin's stomach when Donghyuck finally answers one of his texts, after days of complete, dry silence. Jeno is not even able to read it, so he shoves the phone into his best friend's face, silently begging for him to sound it out for him. It's so pathetic and miserable his toes curl in shame, but he needs to know.
"He says he wants to meet up tonight," Jaemin relays, sympathetically patting Jeno's shoulder. "To talk. In the lobby."
"Should I go?" Jeno hiccups, almost coughing out his lungs right after. Jaemin stares at him with nothing short of pity.
"Yeah, you should." He reaches out a hand to Jeno's face, poking his puffy eyebags. "But first, take a shower, okay? Then let's put on a face mask so it doesn't look like we've been sobbing for four hours straight."
The boy coughs again, nodding. "Okay. You're right."
A few hours later, Jeno even looks like a real, sane person. He packs Donghyuck's DVD under his jacket, just in case he wants it back, and leaves with a kiss on his forehead, provided by Jaemin's worried eyes. He always has high hopes for him - Jeno wonders if getting disappointed so often isn't exhausting for Jaemin. It probably is.
"Text me about it as soon as you're in your dorm, okay?" Jaemin grabs his hand, squeezing it. "I'll be at Hyunmin's, really worried about you."
Jeno wants to tell him not to worry, but that's Jaemin he's talking about; worrying is his second nature. He nods, and his best friend leaves, and suddenly it's just Jeno, alone, slowly going down four flights of stairs to spare him time.
Donghyuck is waiting for him by one of the study tables, tapping his feet on the floor incessantly. He looks fine, in perfect clothes and combed hair, and Jeno wonders how can anyone just look so good, so right - even after a full week of not seeing him. Donghyuck's face just makes him stop in his tracks, mesmerized once again; he tries to take it all in, in case it's the last time he sees it, but the thought hurts him too much yet. Jeno is admittedly not the most mature person.
"Hi," he says, sitting down in front of him and hiding his shaking hands under the table.
Donghyuck looks up from his phone, focusing on Jeno. "Hi," he greets, putting his phone away. "Um, how are you?"
"Good," Jeno lies, voice absolutely destroyed from all the crying. He reaches out for inside his jacket, pulling out the DVD: "Here, your DVD. You left it on my dorm after you went away."
"Oh, it's okay." Donghyuck shakes his head, nonchalant. "You can keep it."
"I don't think that's a good idea," the other boy declares, passing him the DVD. "I've watched it 15 times this week alone."
He chuckles a little, grabbing the case from Jeno's hands. "Okay, then."
The atmosphere is tense once again, like you could cut through it with a knife if you wanted to. Jeno is trying not to shake, trying to tell himself that if he's brave enough to get through this he'll have ice cream later, but nothing seems to work with the way Donghyuck is looking at him, all indecipherable and impossible to touch.
"I'm sorry for keeping you waiting throughout the week," he finally says. "I know it's hard for you. Like, with anxiety and all. I'm sorry about that, but I was just… Hurt. I guess."
"It's okay," Jeno answers, looking down. "I'm sorry too. About everything."
"Don't be," Donghyuck shakes his head again. "Jaemin called me, you know? And he was angry, and he didn't know why you were like that, but he did say there is nothing you could do that would make you deserve the anxiety and the pain of having to wait in the complete dark. And I agree with him. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't realize this would affect you so much, and I feel like a jerk. I'm sorry, Jeno. You didn't deserve that."
The boy nods, wetting his lips. "Is that all?"
"No," he continues. "I also want to say… I'm not mad at you, about the ZN thing. I was confused, and feeling… A little invaded, too. But then I realized you also didn't know until our first date, and yeah, you should've told me right away, but you were freaking out. I get it." Donghyuck looks at him, really looks at him, and offers Jeno a half assed smile. "I just wish you would've told me, you know? We would've figured it out on our own."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry," Jeno repeats himself, trying not to sound hopeful. Perhaps there is forgiveness for him, here. Perhaps there will be a second kiss. And a third. And maybe a fourth.
"It's okay," Donghyuck reassures him. "And, you know, if I was in your shoes I probably wouldn't have told me either. The way I reacted and ignored you earned me so, so much scolding from both Jaemin and Mark. I'm still so sorry. I hate that I made you cry."
And Jeno wants to say - it's okay. But it's not. Not with him, because being ignored means being abandoned, and Jeno can spiral deeply from that. So he says: "Please don't ever do that again. It was so bad. I punished myself so much over it."
Donghyuck's eyes shine in sorrow, and he reaches out to grab Jeno's still trembling hand. Jeno continues: "I know you had no way of knowing that, but I know every single love related statistic about ADHD, okay? I know my chances of finding love are much slimmer than the usual, neurotypical person. And when you left, I just… I spiraled into it so hard. Did you know only five percent of students with ADHD ever graduate college? Five percent. " He exclaims, eyes watery but voice steady. "I'm trying so, so hard to be the 5% that graduates and the 40% who lives on to have a happy marriage, but I can't do that if you ignore me instead of solving things. I'm so sorry."
"Of course you're going to be that 5% and that 40%, Jeno," the boy reassures him, squeezing his hand. "I don't see you as anything but extraordinary. Of course you're going to do it. I - everyone believes in you, so much. I'm so sorry I made you doubt that."
"It's fine," he repeats himself. "Just don't do it again. And I'll be honest with you. And we'll work hard to trust each other again."
"Okay," Donghyuck nods, playing with Jeno's fingers. It's soothing, and suddenly he's not shaking anymore - he's okay, breathing steadily and accessing the situation rationally. "Okay. I promise you I'll never do that again. Ever."
"Okay, I believe you," Jeno nods back, swallowing down all the guilt. "Okay."
"Yeah, okay," the boy offers him a small smile. He's so beautiful - Jeno would never hurt him on purpose. Never. "And… I know this might seem rushed, but do you want to go out with Mark and me tomorrow? I mean… If you don't mind missing the radio show."
Jeno smiles, blinking his tears away. "Yeah, I would love that. Can I take Jaemin?"
"Sure," Donghyuck caresses the back of Jeno's hand with his thumb, ever so gentle. "It's about time they stop ignoring each other, right? Because ignoring people is so wrong and communication is our only chance at humanity."
The other boy giggles, leaning forward to kiss Donghyuck's thumb. "Yeah. Something kind of like that."
And go out with Mark and Jaemin they do. It's still a little bit weird, and there are too many awkward moments to count, but once they're back into the building and the night braids a gentle memory, they're able to be good to each other again, in their own terms.
"I missed you, kid." Mark reaches out to wrap a hesitant arm around Jaemin's shoulders, both of their hands awkwardly hanging like they didn't know what to do with them. Still, muscle memory gets that covered, and Jaemin sinks onto Mark's hold just as he would do if those were Jeno's arms instead. "I did."
Jaemin laughs, a bit too quiet for it to be him, a bit too watery for it to be the same certain, unfaltering Jaemin they alway have known. It's a moment of tension in the air, buzzing under the lobby's heater, and Donghyuck sends a look to Jeno, watching in wonder as Jaemin and Mark work their way around years of ignoring each other and holding grudges far too heavy to carry. Sometimes, Jeno, you weep beside graves that are empty, his therapist used to say. There is no body to cry for, see? It's empty, see? So why hold on to all that?
And then: Jaemin, after three beers, softly whispering to Jeno's hair in Sophomore year. I don't know where to put it down, he had said. I don't know what to do with all this past.
You can give it to me, Jeno had answered, perhaps just equally as drunk. Jaemin didn't say anything after that, but as Jeno watches him try to form a sentence in front of Mark again, it doesn't sound like he has put it all down, not yet. It's not crushing him anymore, the weight of everything that went wrong between them, but it's still there - as tightly close to him as gravity itself, sneaking under his arms and around the back of his legs. This doesn't feel like an empty coffin for Jeno; it feels like a real one, where Jaemin weeps beside and leaves flowers every once in awhile. He doesn't fully understand that feeling yet, or knows what it might be, but Jaemin seems to feel it to an extreme, an undoubted grief about everything that could've worked, that could've been beautiful.
Then he looks back at Donghyuck, sitting on one of the chairs in a ridiculously thick jacket, fluffy and warm everywhere. He wonders to himself what would happen to them if they ever experienced what Mark and Jaemin went through, and it brings a shiver to his spine - one that doesn't ever really go away. Because this is love, right? Going around a relationship like an overly excited landlord and repeating insistently: this could be beautiful, right? You could make this place beautiful.
Anyways, it doesn't matter. It doesn't have to. Donghyuck walks over to Jeno's chair and makes him share it with him like it's a love seat, which doesn't exactly end well - they're squished together, hips and thighs touching, and suddenly Donghyuck is all over his personal space, what basically means he has no time to question everything else; he's too busy trying to not get himself tickled, pinched, tapped, slapped or anything of the sort.
Mark and Jaemin talk for what seems like an eternity, and somewhere along that Donghyuck invites him upstairs, pressing Jeno against his dorm room's door like he might run away if not pinned down. He leans in, kissing his face all over, and Jeno closes his eyes, hands resting over Donghyuck's shoulders. This could be beautiful.
The kisses stop coming after a while, and he finds Donghyuck staring at him like he might have just saved the world, like he might have just given him the world. Jeno is pretty sure he hasn't, so he asks: "What?"
"Nothing." Donghyuck flips him on the nose, smiling. "I just have never met someone like you before."
"Someone weird, you mean?" Jeno asks, stubborn.
The boy shakes his head, biting down his smile. "No, Jeno," he says. "There is no one else in the world like you." He lifts a hand to brush out the baby hairs in Jeno's forehead, letting his finger dance over the soft strands. Donghyuck smiles at him, all bright and loving; it's like he just saved the world. It's like he's a hero, and Jeno is the lover he comes back to, right after he's done with Gotham city. Nerd, he hears Renjun's voice in his head. "You're so gorgeous."
Jeno chuckles, gently grabbing Donghyuck's wrist. "Beauty is a social construction."
Donghyuck leans down to nuzzle his nose on the side of Jeno's face, lips almost touching. "I know," he mumbles. "Shut up. Take your shirt off."
Jeno laughs.
Then takes his shirt off.