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i only ever thought
there were two kinds of loves:
the kind you would kill for and
the kind you would die for.
but you, my darling,
you were the kind of love
i would live fo r.
— Nathaniel Orion G. K.
Relief and gratitude and happiness are all emotions on the same spectrum, huddled together in a circle, cheering at each other with pompoms. There are nuances though, differences. They are not the same.
Cassie feels relief every morning she opens her eyes and finds Cole sleeping next to her in their bed. When she touches his warm skin and he doesn't dissolve into thin air.
Relief is her heart skipping a beat before pumping twice as fast, short breaths escaping her lungs; and the feeling of flying. Relief is a high of endorphins and the small tears gathering in the corners of her eyes.
Gratitude usually envelopes her second. It's warm and solid, and just slightly judgemental. Cassie is grateful for this chance, even if sometimes it overwhelms her just how lucky she got. Gratitude keeps her days busy in an attempt to take advantages of their short time on earth.
Happiness is more complicated.
And the thing is, she is happy, she is. The short bursts of fireworks sparkling bright in her soul, that's what happiness feels like. It's warm like a cup of hot cocoa with little marshmallows on a cold winter evening; the giddy excitement of overflowing with love.
But how dare she be happy when they lost their son to time and the war on it?
It's the absence that haunts her.
It had been worse before had Cole returned, it's somewhat more manageable now.
When the memories threatened to pull her down into the merciless sea now, his hand inside hers is an anchor in the storm. They are it to each other, lighthouses, safe harbours, everything words can describe.
Poets cannot even fathom the kind of love between them, no language expressive enough to convey it. How could you explain a love formed across the ocean of time?
But even now, with him by her side, Cassandra expects to find familiar faces right behind her.
Whenever she smells a burning cigarette, the smoke and nicotine lingering in the air, she looks around for Jones. Sees tall bearded men wearing hoodies and beanies and expects them to be Deacon or Ramse. A woman runs into her and in her long wavy hair and the kind doe-eyes she recognises Hannah for just second before realising her mistake and carrying on as if nothing had ever happened.
Fighting the war took its toll, even if this body of hers cannot physically remember it. These hands never dropped the vial and released the plague, this womb was never home to her child, this body is hers and simultaneously not.
But her mind, her mind remembers. And it aches. For all the people she lost in saving billions.
They aren't gone , Cassie knows. They live. Not all of them, not yet, but one day. But to her they are lost and she misses them far more than she can express. It's a wound so deep, healed over with fresh skin, but sometimes the scar tissue hurts.
Cole and her, they've gotten their happy end. And she can only hope that the others will get theirs in due time.
But every ending is bittersweet, even the happy ones.
In the end though - if you asked her to choose - she'd do it again, go right back to the start.
For them.
Because getting to know them, getting to save them, was far more important to her than the pain of losing them. Is a little bit of happiness better than a lifetime of anything else?
The answer would always be yes .
Even if the absence of those she's come to love in the worst of times is a black hole swallowing all the shining stars in the midnight sky of her soul.
*
"I think we should get married," Cole announces out of the blue, as he drops a bag of takeout on the small coffee table in their living room.
They do that a lot, order an obscene amount of food and share it while watching some TV. The country of origin is always different, the reason behind it is always the same. Enjoying a meal together because they want to savour the taste, not because it's a way to fuel an organism with nutrients.
The apocalypse is left far behind them, the lessons it taught them are more difficult to unlearn.
They cook a lot together too, watch a lot of Bon Appetite on Youtube. At this point both of them are decent cooks, Cassie thinks. Still, takeout is a vital part in their routine. The world is full of wonder.
It takes her a few moments longer than she's proud to admit to register what he has just said. "What?"
Cole looks at her, an almost bashful smile on his face. "I think we should get married for real. Don't get me wrong I enjoy what we have, but I think I want something more visible too."
At first they'd been hesitant. She knew this new timeline was real, that this was the end of the line. This was their happily ever now. But she'd waited for the other shoe to drop regardless. They'd built a home once before and it hadn't lasted.
But as the months ticked by they got more comfortable. Jennifer had pulled a few strings to get fake documents for Cole, who technically didn't exist in this timeline. Not that it's a big deal for a woman who genetically bioengineers unicorns as a business revenue.
"Cassie?"
She takes a few steps towards him and wraps her arms around him. "Yes, James. Always."
His warm hands stroke her back smoothly. With her face pressed in his neck she finds herself in her favourite spot in the world, entirely enveloped by the man she loves most in the world.
"Yeah?" he whispers, almost in awe.
Cassie puts both her hands on his face, kissing him like her life depends on it. As they break apart again, Cole grabs something from the pocket of his leather jacket. It's a small velvet box.
"I'm not good at proposing, I think we've established that. And the ring my father wanted to give to Hannah doesn't exist in this timeline, so."
He opens the box with a snap of his fingers. On a cushion inside lies a beautiful ring, similar to the one he has given her once before in another life, yet different.
Cole takes it, slides it on her left hand and it fits perfectly.
"Here I thought you were doing this unprompted."
"I can come up with more than one fully formed planed in a decade, you know," he says, almost offended.
"You can, but it's unlikely."
He smiles then, kissing her again for good measure.
"For the honeymoon we're going to the Keyes."
"Deal."
*
She has gone back to paediatrics.
Viruses have somewhat lost their appeal to her and she has always loved the little patients, even though losing them always hurts the most. Especially now when Athan is always on her mind.
Being a virologist means spending too much time in labs, means statistics and patients being numbers and the results of their blood samples. She wants more nowadays - human interaction and leaving a lasting impression in someone's life.
Some shifts are worse than others, usually it's enough to go on. She'll always try to stop the clock from winning.
They do not live a lavish lifestyle. Her job pays the bills just fine and they mutually agreed Cole doesn't necessarily need a job. He's known nothing but the apocalypse for the entirety of his adulthood and then splintering and fighting for his life in a different way. The world wouldn't end if he stayed home, they deserve some peace.
Cole got one anyway.
"I'll not spend my days doing nothing," he'd said. So he works part time in an auto shop, repairing cars the way his father used to. The other time he invests into their house. It's old, always in need of a renovation here and there.
Sometimes it feels almost scary how good they fit, how perfect it all is.
If you have everything, you can lose everything.
*
It's the losing that haunts us , she'd said to him once, and it's the absence of the warm body next to her that wakes her in the middle of the night. Autumn is giving way to the first winter nights, with temperatures dropping below freezing and the grass covered in frost.
Cassie has troubles sleeping alone.
The fear of being alone, of being left behind on her own, has taken root so deep inside her she cannot shake it anymore. Her worst nightmares are the ones where she has to watch him die over and over again, and the same can be said for Cole. They have held each other in death so often it has created a lasting imprint on their cells.
Cassie puts on an oversized sweater. Downstairs she slips into her comfy boots as well as her coat and opens their front door leading onto their porch. She finds him sitting in the rocking chair to her left. In the dim shine of the moonlight he looks like the scavenger she met him as first so many years ago - the scruffy beard, the hunched posture, the beanie pulled low on his head.
She wraps her arms around her middle and steps closer to him.
"Hey."
Cole faces her, the fraction of a smile around his mouth. "Hey, too."
"How long have you been out here?" Her breath is visible in the cold air, curls of steam floating away.
"A while. Helps to clear the head."
Cassie nods, understands. The house was huge, vast, almost too much for only the two of them. And still it somehow got crowded with their ghosts and demons filling up the empty spaces.
Her gaze travels to the dark schemes of the young trees they planted in spring, cherry and apple and lilac. They'll carry colourful blossom next year hopefully, chasing away the red leaves of autumn, the hollowness of winter.
"I dreamed about the airport," Cole's voice breaks the silence. It means ' I watched Hannah die once again '. "Do you think it'll ever be over? The horror, the memories."
Cassie shakes her head minutely. "It'll be easier, in time. But I don't think it will ever be truly gone."
Cole opens his arms and she steps even closer, lets herself sink onto his lap. He emits warmth like an exothermic chemical reaction and she buries herself closer against him to chase it.
"Tell me something," he requests.
"Anything?"
"Hmm."
"If we watch the sky closely we might catch the last shooting stars of the Leonids meteor shower," she explains softly.
The location of their house is rather remote, far away from the bright city lights, it makes meteor watching easy. They've spent warm August nights out here to see the Perseids and in another month there'll be the Geminids to stargaze at.
"Did you know there's a small town in Norway, called Longyearbyen, that doesn't allow people to die there? Elderly are usually flown out to spend their last days on the mainland," Cassie says.
Cole's hands rubbing up and down her arms still in motion. "Why?"
"They can't bury them, because their cemetery closed decades ago. The bodies can't decompose because the ground is in a constant state of permafrost. On this cemetery there are 11 people buried who died from the Spanish flu and their bodies still contain strains of the virus."
He coughs, almost choking on spit. "That's dark, Cass."
She turns her head a little, planting a swift kiss on his lips. "I've subscribed to the CDC newsletter and a dozen others. I'm not a virologist anymore, but I still read up on anything that might cause a pandemic. I keep our vaccination schedules religiously up to date. I think we're both a little fucked up, James. And I think we may never be fully okay again and that's fine. We are here, alive. We survived ."
Cole places a soft kiss on the crown of her head, as gentle as the flap of a butterfly's wings.
"We've got each other," he mumbles into her hair.
"We do."
Above them a shooting star crosses the horizon. Cassie clasps Cole's hand and thinks about her wish, not daring to speak it out aloud.
With each minute inching closer to dawn, the sky turns from midnight blue to orange until the clouds are such a vibrant, burning red it looks like the sky is on fire. It's the beauty of time, Cassie has found, there's always another sunrise to reward them for enduring the chaos of night.
*
"How many times have we talked about this by now?"
Cole's exasperated tone is the first thing Cassie hears as she walks into the living room. He's talking to somebody on the phone, his expression one of a man suffering an endless battle. When he sees her he puts the phone away from his ear and on speaker.
"You're wasting space. And trust me, you'd be a much happier person if you finally gave in," Jennifer’s voice says.
"You are not giving us a unicorn," Cassie pipes in, trying to nip the entire conversation in the bud. Cole shoots her a grateful look over the phone and she has to clamp her mouth shut from laughing out loud.
Jennifer sighs. "I'll just wait until your future offspring is pestering you for one, then you'll be begging for me to gift you one."
Cole raises an eyebrow, but Cassie vehemently shakes her head. Most definitely not something that's happening to them right now.
"Maybe we'll think about one as a wedding gift," Cole offers. It's followed by an uncharacteristic silence.
"You know," Jennifer says, "Jonesy was right. You are a little shit."
Cassie laughs at that and is rewarded by a soft pinch into her ribs by Cole. "Ow. She's right."
"Is this your wedding invitation to your only friend in this world?" Jennifer asks not unkindly.
"We can still elope," Cole grumbles. "But actually we wanted to ask you to be best man slash maid of honour."
"You guys really need more friends."
"Don't you have a versatile acting range?" Cassie asks. She knows Jennifer will say yes. This is just a fun game for the sake of it, because they can. Because they have time.
"Fine," Jennifer say ultimately, but there is excitement lurking in her voice. "Can I do the wedding planning?"
" No !" both Cassie and Cole yell in unison.
"Killjoys."
*
When the day comes Cassie isn't nervous.
She'd be happily unmarried with James for the rest of her life, but she is excited about the prospect of being his wife for real, about wearing the ring and calling him husband.
Superstition is nonsense, but she was very adamant about Cole not seeing her wedding dress until their actual wedding day. They'll be driving to the registry office together, so there'll be no emotional walk down the aisle for them.
But he's waiting downstairs for her and she'll walk down the stairs and she wants it to be an appearance he'll remember. Sometimes she's just a tad dramatic.
Her dress is ebony white, with a Carmen neckline made of sheer lace and a soft flowing skirt. She loves it. It’s the dress she’s dreamt about as a little girl, running through the long hallways of art galleries with her mother.
Cassie walks down the stairs, one step after another. He's waiting by the stair landing, dressed in a tuxedo. His mouth opens slightly as he sees her, trying to take everything in. His gaze is wandering up and down her body, until their eyes lock and time stands still.
The broken pieces of her heart - the parts of her that are still battered and bruised - they mend themselves together like shattered vases glued together with pure gold, as he watches her with so much love and care in his eyes. All the terrible things that have happened to them are vanishing in the background for today.
"Wow. Cass, you look," he's lost for words and she relishes in it, "beautiful."
"You cleaned up nicely yourself," Cassie responds.
They have seen each other in so many costumes and disguises, worn so many masks to hide their true intentions. But this feels different , more special.
The drive to the courthouse is rather quick, the traffic mercifully light, but with the anticipation pounding in her veins like jungle drums it feels like forever and a day.
Jennifer is waiting for them in a bright yellow dress, holding a bouquet of lilacs.
"Ready?"
They both nod.
Inside one of the many rooms a marriage registrar is waiting for them. The whole ceremony is quite and more paperwork than one would anticipate.
"I have prepared my own vows," Cole says out of nowhere.
"Have you now?" Cassie asks, and he winks at her. He doesn't pull out a hidden cheat sheet out of the pocket of his tux, but for a moment he falters before he speaks.
"Cassie. I love you. I told you before how I fell in love in a split second, because there was never any other way for it to happen. Loving you was effortless. Trying to not love you was an exercise I have failed countless times."
She doesn't dare to take her eyes away from him for even a second, not even to check if their registrar is confused by any of this. Cassie hopes that he's either seen weirder couples than them or that Jennifer has bribed him enough to keep all of this to himself.
"And maybe we made mistakes along the way, but we're are here, now. Even though we lost so much, even though we gave so much. So I guess, if you'd ask me what the meaning of life is, and why we exist in this universe, then my answer would be ' you '. Because you were never just a puzzle piece, you were the most important person right from the start."
Tears are streaming down her face in rivers. Her cheeks must be blotchy with red stains. Cassie wishes she could say anything, but she's struck completely speechless. His face is almost radiating a kind of tenderness you wouldn't think possible to witness.
Cole's voice is rough with emotion; he's clearing his throat before going on. "I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The good, the bad, I want everything."
Laughter is bubbling in her chest, spilling over until he's grinning over both his ears, more infectious than any virus could ever be.
Jennifer holds out a handkerchief to her and Cassie gratefully taking it. Her make-up must be a mess, but she doesn't care.
"You could've told me to start with my vows," she says.
His left hand reaches up and wipes the tears around her eyes away, but he only shakes his head.
Cassie doesn't wait any longer. "I love you so much, James. Even in the darkest hours, when it all threatens to crash like a house of cards, I know that I can rely on you. Then I think about what you said when I wasn't sure of myself anymore.
I think about our future, about spending forever and then some with you, about giving us an ending. I think about the son we lost and the children we'll be having. Like you said, I want everything."
They smile at each other, tears shining visible in both their eyes.
The rest of the ceremony happens, but it's all a blur. They are pronounced husband and wife, they kiss.
They are finally married.
*
Even though the wedding dress Cassie had picked is very minimalist, it's still white and obviously a wedding dress. People look. Attention from strangers usually makes her skin crawl, as if they'll start shooting her any second now.
But not today.
It's her wedding day. There is a silver wedding band on her ring finger and her husband's fingers laced through hers and they are married and in love and together.
Jennifer picked the place for their celebration, upscale enough to be tasteful for an after wedding brunch, but not stuffed with rich people.
"This is part of my wedding present for you, Otter Eyes and Mrs. Otter Eyes. Let me get our reservation," Jennifer tells them and walks in the direction of a stern looking man with a clipboard.
Cassie squeezes Cole's fingers. "I'll be right back. Just need to freshen up my makeup, and it's not even a code for anything."
"Didn't think I could be so romantic, huh?" The satisfied smirk on his face might be permanent from now on.
"You're full of surprises."
"Damn right. Maybe I even secretly learned how to eat sushi with the wood sticks?"
"Did you?"
"Of course not," he answers laughingly.
Cassie makes her way over to the women's restrooms. She pushes open the door and immediately takes a paper towel to blot away her dried tears in front of the mirror.
"Happy tears, I hope?" a familiar voice to her right asks. Cassie turns to her right and her eyes widen in surprise. She's almost sure she's hallucinating it.
"Yes."
Jones - a younger version of her - smiles at her. "Congratulations."
"Thank you," Cassie stutters out, taken aback.
Katarina is bent over the sink, a blanket spread on the pristine marble counter. On it is small baby in a grey dress, gurgling nonsense words. Cassie can't keep her eyes from her, her arms heavy with emptiness before she catches herself.
"These restaurants are terrible when it comes to diaper changing opportunities," Jones says.
Cassie hums in agreement, still in shock. "What's her name?" she finds herself asking.
"Hannah."
"Are you celebrating anything as well?"
Jones nods. "My husband and I have been granted funding for a project on theoretical physics behind time travel. It's quite the feat, if I may say."
For a split second Cassie's heart stops beating, unable to catch up with the information.
"Mother Nature doesn't like it when you rearrange her furniture," Cassie replies somewhat automatically. "That's what I've read, regarding time travel."
"A good advice," Jones says.
For whatever it's worth, this meeting here in the restroom of a random restaurant in a city full of millions of people feels like fate. She'll not leave empty-handed, without having at least tried.
"This may sound strange and you're under no obligation to accept, but my husband and I both do not have any family left and I'd like for you to have brunch with us." The words leave her mouth out of their own volition and she's unable to stop herself.
Jones raises an eyebrow. "Do you always invite strangers to your wedding party?"
"I know how this sounds, really. But you remind me of my husband's late mother. It would mean a lot to us."
Jones scrutinises her for what feels like a dozen eternities. Then she picks up Hannah and cradles her against her chest. "I'll ask my husband."
As Katarina leaves the toilet, Cassie braces herself against the sink and finally breathes again. It's almost too much for a single day. It couldn't be a coincidence though. Maybe this was Time's screwed idea of a wedding present.
She splashes cold water on her face to get her bearings.
Cassie steps out of the restroom and takes in the scene at the other end of the restaurant. Elliot Jones, who looks slightly confused but seems to be in high spirits, and Katarina with Hannah, making their way over to a big table in a corner where Jennifer and Cole are standing. Cole looks like a deer in the headlight, waiting to collide with a pick-up truck; Jennifer is just her gleeful self.
She sits down right between Cole and Jennifer. Somebody has already ordered a bottle champagne and Cassie takes a healthy gulp from her glass. They - their makeshift family of the apocalypse - aren't complete. Some of them are missing from their midst, too young to cross their paths, too far away to reasonably find them.
But there is hope, for a future in which they might meet again under different circumstances.
"Did you know?" Cassie whispers to Jennifer, when Jones doesn't look.
Jennifer taps her temple with her index finger. "Still Primary."
Cole leans over to her from the other side of the table. "We're celebrating our marriage with my grandparents and my infant mother from another timeline, Cass." He says it very matter-of-fact, but his face betrays him.
"Does that bother you?"
He shakes his head. "That's the second best thing that happened today."
"Really? What was the best?" Cassie asks, barely able to hide the grin that's trying to break to the surface.
Cole doesn't even dignify her joke with an answer. Both of his hands grasps her cheeks and he kisses her until all the oxygen in her lungs is gone, as if his life depends on it.
Around them the world turns on, there's laughter and conversations and people, but for a short moment in time they're existing outside of it again. A love that cannot be undone.
This is how they survive.
Together .