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Nemuri cursed under her breath as she shuffled up the walkway toward UA. She’d just finished up patrol for her internship before realizing she’d left her schoolwork in the locker room. On the bright side, she had also left her jacket and since the sun was about to set she’d probably need it.
She grabbed her work, put on her jacket, and sighed. The first day in a while she was going to get home before sundown and she blew it. Nemuri had planned to drag one of her current beaus to the park near her home to watch the sunset (what could she say, she was a romantic at heart), but that wasn’t going to happen.
Well , she thought, I’m not going to win any hearts but I can still enjoy it myself.
Instead of heading straight home she opted to make her way to the roof to catch the sunset over the city skyline. She fully expected to be alone but when she opened the door to the roof she saw a familiar head of blonde hair. Nemuri was surprised to see Hizashi there so late, she was surprised to see him on the roof which had been all but abandoned after the loss of Oboro, and she was especially surprised to see him alone.
Seeing him alone was such a rare sight; up here or really anywhere. He was a constant well of extroverted energy, filling every second with cheer and company. But right now he was completely silent, head down on his arms which he had resting on his knees. She thought maybe she should try to quietly back out the way she had come from but she felt worried for him. She’d been worried for him since the day he’d stood out in the rain with Shouta, mourning their friend. He’d smiled at her and told her the rain matched their vibe.
And then the next week he’d shown back up at school and smiled again. Smiled and had not stopped since, as though nothing had happened at all. If anyone tried to talk about what had happened or offer condolences he’d just smile and change the subject. At first, Nemuri couldn’t help but feel angry. She knew it was both irrational and unfair to feel like Hizashi didn’t care, but she felt irritated that he never once seemed affected. Then, once time had passed and she’d calmed down, she started to think back on the time she’d know him.
Sure, she didn’t know him as long as Shouta or Tensei, but she felt she knew him pretty well. Hell, they’d even dated for a month and a half before agreeing that it didn’t feel right (it was probably the only break up she’d had where both parties laughed as it happened). And yet, she’d never seen him show a sincerely negative emotion. Sure she’d seen him frustrated or annoyed, but he always seemed to brush those feelings off pretty quickly. Nemuri had NEVER seen him full on angry or stressed to tears or sad or generally down. How well can you know someone if they won’t show you their lows. If she’d ever caught a glimpse of those feelings he’d probably have slapped a smile on his face before she could process it.
But now he didn’t know he was being watched and his guard was down. And what she saw behind the mask felt so wrong. She was almost mesmerized by his sinking posture which looked unnatural on a form that was normally rigid with overflowing energy and moving in such animated sweeps that you had to be careful not to get smacked as he expressed himself.
Nemuri wasn’t sure how long she’d stood there before he finally lifted his head and caught sight of her out of the corner of his eye. With his glasses placed up on his head they did nothing to hide tired, red rimmed eyes. She felt her breath catch in her throat and before he even got a chance to finish constructing that fake smile she’d closed the distance between them and thrown her arms around him.
At first he’d stiffened but he quickly melted in her arms. Hizashi didn’t lift his arms to reciprocate, but he didn’t pull away so she let him continue just leaning into her. After a minute sitting there silently he said a low, muffled “Hey” into her shoulder.
She released him so she could actually look at his face. Finally taking him in she noted that besides those tired eyes he still had red fabric marks imprinted on his forehead from resting it on his arms. How long had he been here?
“Hey yourself, what are you doing up here? Fall asleep waiting for shouta?”
He paused, and glanced to the side. Fake smile looking weaker than ever.
“No, just... chillin..”
“‘Just chillin’? Alone? On the roof? Hours after classes ended?”
She continued to stare him until he finally sighed.
“Okay, fine. I’m just... I was just... frustrated because I did poorly on a test and I came up here to relax before I brought it home...”
“YOU did poorly on a test?”
His smile completely folded and he blushed as his eyes slid back to the ground by his side where the offending paper lay.
She followed his line of sight and dragged the paper over to herself.
This is... a passing score? I’ve done way worse than this before?!
Nemuri was at a loss for words. It was a math test, which she knew wasn’t his favorite subject, but he got high marks on everything; this test would have little to no effect on his overall average in the class. In fact, she was certain he would have to get 0% on all tests for the rest of the year to have an actual problem.
“Hizashi, this is... an average score. You passed, I mean barely but it’s still a pass. What are you so upset about?”
“Barely passing? I’ve never gotten less than a 90 percent on anything.” He exclaimed at just above a normal human decibel. “... sorry. It’s just... so much lower than normal... the teacher even told me to do better next time.”
“Honey, it’s one test and it’s not like you have to be good at everything...”
“But what if I’m not good at anything.” Hizashi said to the ground.
“What? What are you talking about.”
His eyes snapped up to the city skyline and he began speaking more frantically, once more becoming animated.
“What if I’m not good at anything? What if this has all been a trick up to this point? What if I’m not ‘super smart’ like people always said? And now I’ve hit the ceiling and I won’t be able to succeed anymore? And now everyone will realize that it’s been fake, that I’m not that smart and somehow I’ve tricked everyone into believing that I was. Now everyone will be disappointed in me because I was a waste of promise...”
Woah... that was not where I thought this would go. She wanted to interject but she felt frozen and he seemed to be pushing the words out so desperately she wasn’t sure she should.
“Normally I don’t really have to study that hard and math only takes a little more... but I kept putting off studying it, thinking I would do it later. Then every time I tried to study it was like... like... I don’t know like my head was full of cotton? I couldn’t concentrate on the words in the textbook or what the teacher said in class. I would hear things and read them again and again without remembering any of it... and now I’m so far behind I don’t know how I can catch up. And now everyone will know I’m a fraud.”
He pursed his lips and his eyebrows knitted together in a futile attempt to stop the tears from finally breaking free from his scrunched eyes. He brought a shaking hand up to head and traced his hair line. And then he remained silent, eyes locked on his feet.
Nemuri stared at her friend, who she’d not once seen break down in their entire time together, and felt perhaps she’d gained some insight into his heart and mind not even his mothers had. She placed a hand gently on his back and started rubbing circles.
He refused to look over at her but made no indication he wanted her to stop or leave so she pushed onward.
“Hizashi, I’m sorry for making light of it... I guess I should have known how much pressure you put on yourself to be perfect...” she paused to consider her words. This was, after all, news to her. She was just as guilty as everyone else for assuming that his success was effortless, enough so to not be a cause of stress.
“If you need help please ask. Even if you think it’s silly to ask how every single equation works... we all want to help you... Especially with how much you help all of us.”
He looked largely unconvinced. “I shouldn’t need that much help,” he whispered. “Not if I’m as smart as everyone seems to think I am...”
She leaned over and craned her head to try and catch his eyes.
“Do you think less of Shouta’s intelligence because he asks you for help in English?”
His eyes snapped to meet her and he look absolutely scandalized, as though he had not suggested the same thing about himself.
Of course.
“I didn’t think so. Not to sound mean when you’re down but that’s how I feel when you say that dumb shit about yourself. Everyone needs help sometimes ‘Zashi, in that regard you aren’t special.”
That did gain her a snort from the blond, but while the corners of his mouth remained upturned his eyes returned to morose.
“Is somethin else about me special?”
She couldn’t tell if that was a joke to bait her into giving compliments or if he genuinely needed to hear it, but she suspected it was a mixture of both. Everyone needs reassurance sometimes.
“Hizashi, no matter how many tests you get average scores on you are incredibly smart. You’re a savant at languages, you work flawlessly in almost any team, hell you’re at the top of your class, even above that nerd Tensei!”
He gave her an honest to god laugh for that one.
“Besides, calc is dumb anyway. Never during my whole life outside of class has it been useful.”
He laughed again, a genuine smile reaching his eyes.
“Yeah! Calc IS dumb!” He said rubbing at his eyes.
His mood seemed to have lifted considerably, and she didn’t feel she had reason to suspect right now that he was faking it. She hated dampening it, but felt she had to say something.
“I know you like to be the ‘fun one’” she started carefully, “but we don’t actually expect you to be that 24/7. You don’t have to hide how you feel from us; we aren’t going to run away. I promise.”
He wasn’t looking at her again, going completely still.
“Aaaand... I think you should talk to your moms about this. I’m certain you haven’t and I’m certain they will never be disappointed in you. Ever. Even with an average test score they’d still look at you like you put the moon in the sky. You may want to look at talking to someone professionally... both for what’s making you anxious and ADD...”
Hizashi had started to shift and look uncomfortable so she thought it best to stop there.
“Look I’m your friend not your doctor, I just want to see you have all the tools you need to succeed. Just think about it?”
He gave her a small nod, and she was content for now.
She clapped her hands together startling him.
“Great! Now I think it’s time to get off this roof before it gets too chilly. There’s that new cafe 3 blocks away that’s supposed to have killer specialty drinks, come with?”
His eyes lit up with excitement and he went from mellow to practically vibrating with excitement. In that way he remained predictable, she knew how much he liked to be up on food trends. It was almost certain if a new place opened up Hizashi had gone within the first week.
“Yes! Yes! Yes! I’ve been meaning to try it!”
He jumped up and pulled her along with him.
He gave her a wink, “My IG followers demand the reviews!”
“Oh my god ‘Zashi did you just say the acronym IG out loud.”
She’d planned to head home after catching the sunset, but she supposed trying the newest cafe with her friend would be ok too. She was glad that he was out of his own head.