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Taxian-jun had made a mess of Chu Wanning before he left.
Jealousy most likely. Chu Wanning wondered if he'd ever stop competing with himself. Taxian-jun liked to leave bruises and the impression of his teeth where Mo Ran was sure to see them, or to hold Chu Wanning until the instant his time was up, so that Mo Ran would return to find them locked together and Chu Wanning panting because of Taxian-jun.
If Mo Ran was equally jealous of his other personality, he never displayed it then. Whenever he came back to such a scene, all of his motion would still and he'd lower his head to greet Chu Wanning with a kiss.
“Shizun, are you all right? Does it feel good?”
Chu Wanning was always too embarrassed to answer. It wasn't the same as them being at dinner or out walking together when Taxian-jun and Mo Ran changed over. Chu Wanning belonged to both of them, and they were his—but despite their similarities, they were not one person, and even after many years together, Chu Wanning didn't know how Mo Ran felt about holding a Chu Wanning who had just been held by Taxian-jun.
Not an hour ago, Taxian-jun had gone, and Mo Ran now slept beside Chu Wanning. They'd been asleep when Mo Ran returned this time. Even if he hadn't had a sense of the hour, Chu Wanning would have known the change occurred because of the shift in Mo Ran's breathing. Taxian-jun still slept lightly, as though he feared an ambush any moment, but Mo Ran passed the night without a care, usually turning onto his side at some point to pull Chu Wanning against his chest, murmuring, “Wanning, are you warm enough?”
Chu Wanning hadn't been able to fall back asleep since Mo Ran’s return tonight. Even with Mo Ran sleeping peacefully at his side, no matter how hard Chu Wanning tried to settle his mind, it wouldn't. The moon was nearly full, positioned in the window so the house was bright as midday even with his eyes closed. His body ached. Taxian-jun had locked him in his arms after he'd finished thrusting and refused to let go. Chu Wanning would wash the bedding tomorrow.
Feeling uncomfortable in the damp summer heat, he slipped out of bed and walked toward the window, thinking fresh air would revive him, but his legs trembled from his body being so worked over and Taxian-jun’s earlier efforts drooled down his inner thighs.
Disgusted, he winced and changed direction toward the tub. It held water from earlier. He'd bathed before bed and hadn't had time to drain the water before Taxian-jun had pursued him. Chu Wanning stepped into the cool water, sucking air through his teeth as his skin adjusted to the temperature. The water rose to his waist and instantly chilled him. With shaking hands, he cleaned what was necessary, clenching his jaw to stop his teeth from chattering aloud and waking Mo Ran. He flushed and cast a scowl to the corner of the house as he cleaned inside himself, inwardly cursing Taxian-jun for being so selfish. At least his body hadn’t torn. Nothing stung, and there was no blood. Rising from the water, he stood over the tub to let his body drip dry. The tub was filthy now. He’d have to drag it out to scrub in the morning.
He fished a clean inner robe from the laundry pile he’d brought in and had forgotten to put away. He slid the robe onto his arms and pulled it around himself, catching the long ends of his hair inside of it. The fabric clung to his chest and back where they were still wet, but he felt warmer and tied the robe at his waist. He had no idea where his shoes were. Mo Ran would probably clean the house tomorrow once he saw the state of it. Taxian-jun had insisted on helping with dinner. The half-eaten dishes were still on the table. He'd gnawed on things while leering at Chu Wanning in the bath, and they'd gone to bed right after.
It was odd having two husbands, and yet Chu Wanning didn't think he could part with either of them—not Taxian-jun, who had only become this way because of him, and not Mo Ran, who looked at Chu Wanning in a way no one else had or ever would, he was sure. He found himself unable to deny them anything.
Chu Wanning closed his eyes against the breeze through the window. The night was hot and fragrant with the garden in bloom. Glancing to the bed to ensure Mo Ran was still asleep, Chu Wanning went outside to warm up. The grass and wood spirits were asleep, and the dog was sleeping somewhere else. Chu Wanning settled on a clean patch of ground and raised his face to the stars. They looked especially bright here. He reached back to free his hair from the robe, letting it hang down his back, and wrapped his arms around his knees.
He'd been watching the stars for a while when the door opened.
“Shizun?”
Chu Wanning looked at Mo Ran over his shoulder. Taxian-jun had gone to bed naked, but Mo Ran had put on clothes and tied back his hair. He smiled at Chu Wanning from the doorway.
“Couldn't you sleep?” Mo Ran said.
Chu Wanning shook his head.
“Would you mind if I sit with you?”
“Sit where you want.”
Mo Ran settled behind him and gathered Chu Wanning in his arms, holding him between his legs. “If Shizun says it's all right, I'll sit like this.”
“I didn't mean to wake you.”
“I woke on my own. I was worried when you weren't beside me. Shizun, why is your hair wet?”
Chu Wanning felt for the ends of it. They were indeed wet. He'd forgotten to tie it back earlier.
“I took a bath,” he said absently.
“In the middle of the night?”
Chu Wanning frowned. “Is there a law against it?”
Mo Ran drew him closer. “No. Whatever Shizun does is fine. I was just wondering why you didn't wait until morning.”
As if Chu Wanning could tell him. “I was awake,” he said.
“I see. Shizun, may I comb your hair?”
“Why?”
“Once it's dry, we can go back to bed.”
“Go if you're tired.”
Mo Ran nuzzled the back of his neck. “I want to be wherever Shizun is.”
Chu Wanning let out a long sigh. “Fine.”
“I’ll get a comb. Don’t go anywhere.”
With a smile in his breath, Mo Ran kissed Chu Wanning’s neck and hopped up, coming back a minute later with a painted wood comb they’d bought during their last trip down the mountain. He sat down behind Chu Wanning again, arranging his hair so it lay flat against Chu Wanning’s back, and gently combed it.
“Shizun has beautiful hair,” Mo Ran said.
Chu Wanning's face felt hot. He hid it against his knees.
“What did Shizun get up to while I was away?”
“Made a new design.”
“Mm, that's good. Anything else?”
Chu Wanning squeezed his knees, feeling irritated. “Slept. Ate.”
Mo Ran placed the comb at the crown of Chu Wanning's head and ran it through the full length of his hair. He repeated this and said, “Shizun, are you afraid you'll upset me if you tell me everything?”
“Why do you need to know the rest?”
Mo Ran continued combing. “Because I can't be with Shizun all the time. Rather than feel like you're living a life without me when he's here, I'd rather hear about everything you did. Tell me about tonight. Did you cook for him?”
“He insisted on helping,” Chu Wanning said. He omitted the detail that Taxian-jun’s idea of ‘helping’ had been to feel up Chu Wanning while he chopped vegetables.
“Oh. What did you make?”
“Grilled meat and stew.”
“With the vegetables we picked?”
Chu Wanning could hear the frown in Mo Ran’s voice. He sighed. “They wouldn’t have lasted another day.”
“Are his cooking skills as good as mine?”
“You know they’re not.”
Mo Ran let out a breath that sounded pleased. “I’ll make you whatever you want to eat tomorrow. You won’t have to do a thing. What did you do after dinner?”
“Took a bath.”
“And after that?”
Mo Ran waited for him to answer. When Chu Wanning didn't say anything, he continued.
“I see. Is that why Shizun took another bath during the night?”
Chu Wanning lifted his head, looking back at him furiously. Mo Ran smiled and kissed his mouth.
“Shizun is beautiful even when he's angry.”
“I'm going inside,” Chu Wanning said, intending to stand up, but Mo Ran embraced him and ducked his face against the crook of his neck.
“Wanning, I'm sorry. I won't ask anymore. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. Please don't go. Stay and look at the stars with me.”
Although he was aggravated, Chu Wanning stopped struggling when he heard the sadness in Mo Ran’s voice. He couldn’t blame him for being curious. If Chu Wanning changed between versions of himself, and someone else spent time with Mo Ran besides him, he supposed he’d want to know what they did as well. Sighing, he leaned back against Mo Ran’s chest. The arms around him tightened, but they were gentle. Mo Ran’s body was warm. Held against it, surrounded by the hot night air, Chu Wanning forgot he’d been cold.
“Do you hate it?” he said after a while.
“Hate what?”
“Sharing me with him. Does it really bother you as much as it bothers him?”
Mo Ran shook his head against Chu Wanning’s neck. “I get to spend my life with Shizun. To me, that's enough. If you're happy... Wanning, that's all I care about.”
Chu Wanning nodded toward the ground. Sitting up for so long had become uncomfortable after what he’d endured earlier, and he winced at a sudden pain.
“What’s wrong?” Mo Ran said, then seemed to remember his promise not to ask more questions. He kissed Chu Wanning’s neck. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell me.”
“He...isn't as considerate as you.”
Mo Ran tightened his arms. “Did he hurt you?
“It's not bad.”
“Can I kiss the places that hurt?”
Such a perverse question, asking for Chu Wanning's permission! It made him angrier than when the shameless Taxian-jun did as he liked. Chu Wanning didn't have the face to answer Mo Ran honestly. Sometimes he wished Mo Ran would simply do what he liked as well, but Mo Ran did nothing without his permission.
“Do what you want,” Chu Wanning muttered and closed his eyes as the arms around him tightened more.
“Then...may I carry Shizun back to bed?”
At that, Chu Wanning had had enough. He forced his way out of Mo Ran’s arms and stomped inside the house. Mo Ran shuffled after him, securing the door and embracing Chu Wanning from behind. He reached inside his robes and guided them off of his body, leaving Chu Wanning naked again in the middle of the room.
“These bruises, do they hurt?”
If Chu Wanning said no, he’d be lying, but saying yes was tantamount to asking Mo Ran to kiss him. He folded his arms across his chest and sealed his lips. Laughing softly, Mo Ran bent his head, kissing each of the bruises on Chu Wanning’s neck and shoulders, then turned him around and kissed the litter of them across his chest. When he came upon the ghost of teeth clamped around Chu Wanning’s left nipple, Mo Ran extended his tongue to soothe the marks.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ll make you a salve tomorrow.”
It wouldn’t hurt by morning, but Chu Wanning said nothing, just flushed and turned away.
“Wanning,” Mo Ran whispered. He brought him to bed and positioned Chu Wanning on the edge, dropping to his knees at his feet, and pressed his forehead against Chu Wanning’s knees. “Wanning, open your legs.”
Chu Wanning glared at him. It would’ve been better if he’d wrenched his legs apart, but Mo Ran looked up with pleading, innocent eyes, and waited. It wasn’t that Chu Wanning hated this. The things they did together were a pleasure he never thought he’d have, but desiring something and being able to ask for it were different. Beyond embarrassment, he felt greedy, even though Mo Ran would willingly give him everything. Chu Wanning took a deep breath, exhaling through his nose. Glancing away, he parted his knees. Mo Ran smiled, putting a large hand on either of Chu Wanning's legs, and guided them farther apart. Chu Wanning swallowed his humiliation.
“Tilt your hips, baby.” Mo Ran was already bowing his head. The warm touch of his tongue made Chu Wanning shiver. He wasn’t used to this even after years of living together. He bit down like he had in the cold tub, clenching his fists against the bed.
“Relax,” Mo Ran said. “Please let me make you feel better.”
He licked the places Taxian-jun had used earlier, and while Chu Wanning couldn't help but feel ashamed, he didn't push Mo Ran’s head away. Gradually, his fists loosened and he curled his fingers into the bedding. His breath came out in gasps. Mo Ran used his fingers where his tongue had been and took Chu Wanning into his mouth. His fingers rubbed where he was sorest, but Mo Ran was so sweet and his mouth so warm that Chu Wanning soon forgot about the pain. He stroked Mo Ran's hair, breathing through his mouth as his desire peaked, unable to stop himself from moaning.
Mo Ran slowed his movements, withdrawing his fingers and pulling off with a kiss, nuzzling the inside of Chu Wanning’s thighs and his stomach before burying his face there.
“Wanning, did it feel good?”
“Yes.” Chu Wanning combed Mo Ran's hair with his fingers and swallowed. “Do you need to…”
Mo Ran shook his head. Chu Wanning frowned. He hated when Mo Ran pitied him.
“Why not?”
“It's embarrassing to say,” Mo Ran said. “But I finished while taking care of Shizun.”
Oh, Chu Wanning thought. The anger left him. He blushed and bent to lay his head on top of Mo Ran's. “I think I can sleep now.”
Mo Ran nodded, lifting his face to catch Chu Wanning's lips. He stood and moved the bedding so they could crawl underneath.
“The blankets…” Chu Wanning said, remembering the state of them.
“I changed them while you were outside. Won't Shizun lie down with me? There are still a few hours of night left.”
They got into bed. It smelled fresh from the bedding aired in the sun. Mo Ran laid his head on Chu Wanning's chest.
“Wanning, will you hold me?”
For a moment, Chu Wanning couldn’t breathe. He stared at Mo Ran’s dark hair on his chest. He had never been wanted. He had never wanted. Sometimes, Mo Ran gave him so much, he could hardly stand it.
“Is it a no?” Mo Ran said, sounding dejected.
Hesitantly, Chu Wanning brought his arms around him, raising one to stroke Mo Ran's head. He might never have Mo Ran's courage, to ask for things like permission to comb his lover’s hair, but he could give him this.
“Your hands feel nice,” Mo Ran said, snuggling against him. Chu Wanning could hear the smile in his voice. “I like when Shizun pats me.”
Chu Wanning scowled, thinking of the dog that was probably asleep in the kitchen, but he continued to touch Mo Ran’s hair, calmed every time his fingers slipped through the soft, dark strands.
After a while, he thought Mo Ran might have fallen asleep, but he yawned and said, “What do you want to do tomorrow?”
With his hand moving, Chu Wanning couldn't pretend to be asleep. He took a quiet breath and let it out. “Refine the diagram.”
“I hope you'll show me. I'm always curious what Shizun is working on.”
“You can sit with me if that's what you want.” Chu Wanning swallowed and paused his hand. “What...what would you like to do tomorrow?”
“Clean the house.” Mo Ran kissed his chest. “Hold Shizun like this.”
He would probably want to spend the whole day in bed together if Chu Wanning would allow it. Chu Wanning glanced across the house. There was no hurry to finish the design. No one was waiting on him, and it would be vexing to sit for a long time tomorrow. Taxian-jun had likely left stew in the pot from dinner. He’d joked about making too much so Mo Ran would be forced to eat their leftovers. Seeing no reason to deny him, Chu Wanning touched his lips to Mo Ran's hair.
“Then, we can stay like this.”
“All day?”
“Yes.”
Mo Ran laughed. “All right. If that's what Shizun wants, I’ll hold him until nightfall.”
“It's what you want!”
“It is.” Mo Ran squeezed him around the ribs. “I'd spend every day with you like this if I could.”
Chu Wanning let out a sound of disbelief through his nose. “What about food?”
“I'd bring it to you here.”
“Bathing?”
“I'd carry you, or I'd put the tub next to the bed.” Mo Ran cleared his throat. “Wanning?”
“What?”
“Tomorrow, if you feel well enough, maybe we can do these things in the daylight.”
“Why?” Chu Wanning said, feeling exposed. It was bad enough they often did it all night.
“Because I want you to look at me. I want to know I'm the one you're letting inside. Wanning, is it selfish of me?”
Chu Wanning didn’t know how to answer. He couldn’t say his thoughts about one of them had never slipped to the other—that was unavoidable. But he didn’t want to hurt Mo Ran by saying that, and he wouldn’t lie. He could feel Mo Ran’s arousal against his thigh and glanced to the window. The moon still hung in the center, as bright as morning.
“Mo Ran, lift your head.”
As their eyes met, Chu Wanning kissed him—the kind of kiss Mo Ran gave him as a precursor to intimacy. He copied it, moving his lips and tongue in the way Mo Ran had taught. It was probably as close to asking as he’d ever come.
Mo Ran hovered over his body, bracing himself on his arms. “It's not too much after earlier?”
Chu Wanning brought a hand to Mo Ran's cheek and shook his head. Mo Ran's eyes glistened. For a moment, Chu Wanning worried that Mo Ran would cry and shut his eyes so he didn’t have to watch, but Mo Ran kissed him again and rubbed against him. He kissed between his legs as he prepared him, and his stomach as he crawled back up the bed. All the while, Chu Wanning’s hands were deep in Mo Ran’s hair.
He anticipated the fullness and pain when Mo Ran lifted Chu Wanning’s legs and bent them toward his chest, but Mo Ran didn’t push inside. He held him like that, waiting. Though his eyes were shut tight, Chu Wanning turned his head away.
“Are you doing it or not?”
Mo Ran kissed the inside of his knee. “Wanning...will you look at me?”
His voice was kind. A feeling of desperation welled up inside Chu Wanning’s chest. He probably didn’t deserve this love, but it was his. Reaching out blindly, he felt for the scarred place on Mo Ran’s chest, covering it with his palm. And though it made him feel raw, as though Mo Ran could see the very fibers in his heart, Chu Wanning opened his eyes.