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When Tine pulls away from Sarawat’s second kiss, he could almost physically see the other boy’s walls slam right back up. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
Sarawat sobers up. “Neither can I, it seems.”
Tine is silent.
“I’m done pretending, Tine.”
He leaves. Tine can only watch.
When Tine manages to get a hold of his senses, he realizes that Sarawat had left the jersey he came for.
“What just happened?” Tine asked out loud, reaching for the jersey and folding it absentmindedly. It was still warm from being air dried on Tine’s balcony, although crumpled from the way Sarawat had been clutching it after Tine just sat there, unreciprocating the sudden kiss.
Tine’s LINE suddenly blew up with messages from his friends.
Fong: How’d it go?
Puak: Did he confess?
Ohm: Does he actually have feelings for you?
Tine smoothed out the shirt with a sigh and set it on his desk.
Tine: I think I fucked up.
And just like that, Sarawat seemed to just disappear from Tine’s life. Well, as much as the most popular boy on campus was able to. Tine found himself looking around for a glimpse of the handsome boy, waiting for him to come around with snacks or crazy requests like cleaning his room, helping take off his make up, playing Scrubb songs out of nowhere…
Tine shook his head.
“I got what I wanted didn’t I?” Tine muttered to himself, buttoning up his school shirt after changing out of his cheerleading uniform. “No more saraleo to make me confused or guilty,”
Tine huffed, remembering Sarawat’s face when he told him he was going to try dating Pear. “We weren’t even really together!” He complained loudly to no one.
“Are you okay, Tine?”
The law student nearly jumped a foot in the air. It was just Green.
“Damnit, Green! You scared me!”
“Sorry,” Green said sheepishly. He was holding a cold drink in one hand and offered it to Tine hopefully. “Here. Cheerleading practice looked tiring.”
Tine sighed and took the offered drink. He wasn’t an asshole; he just didn’t like how pushy Green had been over the past few months. “Thank you.” He twisted the cap and took a long swig.
“So…” Green started, “You and Sarawat weren’t really dating?”
Tine choked and spat out the tea that was in his mouth. Green smiled apologetically while thumping his back. “You heard that?”
“I figured as much. I saw you were sneaking off with Pear even before Sarawat made those posts on his IG.”
Tine was quiet.
Green continued though. “Although, I thought he really did like you, Tine. Even if you don’t like him back. He was always around you, trying to find excuses to take up your time, for you to notice him…”
Just like me.
Tine could practically hear that last statement Green was thinking.
“I’m sorry, Green. I just don’t like you that way.” Tine said finally.
“I know, I just wanted to try. But I thought Sarawat would at least have a chance with you.” Green snorted. “You must be the straightest boy in the world if not even Sarawat could sway your heart.”
Even I’m not sure about that. Tine thought to himself.
Green sighed and gave Tine a small smile.
“I’ll see you around, Tine. Goodbye.”
It was Man who finally manned up to talk to Tine after the shitshow that went down between him and Sarawat.
“Hey Tine!” Man shouted, running after the law student who had just come out of the building. “Tine!”
Tine turned around. “…hello Man. What’s up?”
Man went straight to the point. “What did you do to Sarawat?”
What did he do to Sarawat? Shouldn’t Man be asking what Sarawat did to him?
Tine rolled his eyes and continued walking. “I think you’re asking the wrong question, Man.”
Man jogged ahead of Tine and stopped him in his tracks. “I’m asking exactly the right question.”
Tine crossed his arms. “Well then I don’t know what you mean.”
Man let out a grunt, not exactly used to speaking so seriously about something. He looked like he was thinking very hard about what to say to Tine.
“Well spit it out, dude.”
Man took a breath and stared him down. “Do you like Sarawat, Tine?”
Tine’s heart stuttered in his chest. What?
“You heard me,” Man pressed, stepping closer to Tine, watching Tine’s cheeks get red at the sudden question. “Do you like Sarawat?”
“No!” Tine replied quickly, taking a step back. “I like girls, if you haven’t noticed. I’m Mr. Chic!”
“Just because you like girls doesn’t mean you don’t like boys, Tine. It’s 2020, you can like both.”
And Man got him right where he wanted him.
“Think about that, Tine. Before you go breaking my best friend’s heart.”
Well fuck.
Tine was having a gay panic --- or rather, a bi panic – it would seem. It was the weekend and he decided to promptly desert all his friends and go out drinking alone with his thoughts. Man made sense. Tine hated that he made sense. It had never occurred to him that he could like both girls and boys. Dating girls had just been second nature to Tine, and he never found a boy as interesting as the girls he dated were.
Except for Sarawat.
Tine groaned out loud and threw back half his drink in one go. “I can’t believe I’m having a sexuality crisis in my first year of college.”
“Welcome to the club,”
Tine looked up and saw a petite, fair skinned man sipping his own drink a seat away from him. “Although to be fair, I had my gay panic in my third year, not my first.”
“Sorry, who are you?” Tine asked slowly, eyes a little bit out of focus from the three previous drinks of the night.
“I’m Arthit.” The man gave him a wai. He seemed a few years older than Tine, though not by much. “And you are?”
Tine gave him a wai back. “I’m Tine.”
“Sorry if I seem intrusive,” Arthit continued. “You looked like you needed someone to talk to.”
Tine weighed his options. Get drunk and drive himself crazy over Sarawat or reveal embarrassingly personal details about his life to a complete stranger.
“Well fuck it.” Tine drank the rest of his drink and moved a seat closer to Arthit.
Arthit smiled. “Good choice. So. What seems to be the problem?”
“I think I might be in love with a guy.”
Arthit nodded, swirling his drink around in his glass. “Okay. That’s a good start. Why is that a bad thing?”
“I’ve only ever been with girls!” Tine complained rather loudly, arms flapping at his sides. “I’ve never looked at guys that way. Never. And now…” he trailed off.
“And now you do.” Arthit finished.
Tine could cry. “…I do.” He felt a weight pop off his chest.
“Wasn’t that easy to admit?”
“P’!” Tine whined. “I’m still so confused. I don’t even know him that well. I never thought he was seriously flirting with me. I thought it was all part of the plan.”
“What plan?”
Tine sighed and started telling Arthit about Green harassing him, getting Sarawat on board, and pretending to be a couple. Arthit was listening intently, quite amused at what had been happening in Tine’s life since the semester started.
“… and suddenly he’s acting all sweet, bringing me food, wiping my makeup off, singing my favorite songs, and getting jealous when I hit on other girls!”
Arthit shook his head in disbelief. “N’Tine. I have to say this. You’re an idiot.”
Tine pouted.
“First of all, no one would ever agree to pretend to be gay for someone they didn’t even like in the first place. Especially someone like your Sarawat who has been chased after by girls his whole life.”
Arthit took Tine’s silence as a chance to continue.
“And even if he did do it out of pity, I think he’s been trying to let you know how he feels for sometime now. You said he sang you a song he wrote?”
“Yeah. He did. On the balcony after we went out drinking.”
“Did you ever stop and think that that song was about you?”
Tine was quiet for a while. “I never thought he liked me that way.”
“Tine,” Arthit said seriously. “He takes care of you. He gets ridiculously jealous even though you aren’t officially together. He wrote you a damn love song and kissed you. Isn’t that enough?”
“I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”
Arthit laughed “You are,” he said. “But I know how it feels realizing that a part of you isn’t what you thought it was. That you could actually love another person regardless of their gender or what society expects of you.”
Silence.
“Do you have a boyfriend, P’?” Tine asked finally, curious.
Arthit smiled in a way that all smitten people do. “I do. We’re celebrating our four-year anniversary this year.” He looked at Tine. “But Tine, you have to be sure about your feelings. Sarawat has been putting himself out there for you. When you talk to him, you have to know for sure so you won’t hurt him anymore.”
Tine was walking to his dorm alone after his conversation with Arthit, most of the alcohol already burned out from his system from the walk. He scratched his head and sighed. Arthit was right. He hurt Sarawat by being oblivious to his feelings and he was hurting himself by lying about how he really felt. He remembered Arthit’s parting words to him.
Seriously, Tine. If you didn’t have any feelings for him, why would you even feel guilty?
Tine hated it when other people were right.
He walked for a few more minutes and found himself by the football field, at the exact spot he stood when Sarawat leisurely stripped off his jersey and gave it to him to wash. Tine could remember his eyes roving over Sarawat’s chest, heart thumping loudly in his chest at the look the other boy had been giving him.
“This is so fucking confusing!” Tine shouted, rubbing his hands over his face and continuing to walk forward, not seeing the orange cones the football team used to practice drills with --- and tripping over them.
“Shit!”
Tine pitched forward and landed on his elbow. He heard the sleeve of his shirt rip --- along with a sharp stinging sensation along his arm. What a day. Tine thought miserably, rolling over and clutching his hurt arm.
“Tine!”
Tine’s eyes snapped open and could see the Sarawat’s fuzzy outline looming over him.
“Wat?”
“Why are you so clumsy?” Sarawat asked angrily, helping Tine to his feet and grabbing his elbow gently. “You’re bleeding.”
Tine could barely feel the cut, probably because of the alcohol, though it looked kind of nasty because the skin had been scraped off his elbow and a shallow gash was running along his forearm. Sarawat examined him for a few more seconds.
“Come on,” Sarawat said finally, taking Tine’s wrist and pulling him towards his dorm. “I have a first aid kit in my room.”
“Okay.”
“There. Done.”
Sarawat had dressed Tine’s arm in gauze, securing the elastic bandage with a small pin. He rummaged around inside the box for an antiseptic ointment and pain reliever tablets before handing them to Tine. “Use the ointment on the wound when you change the bandage. And take the tablets for pain.”
Sarawat looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. He stood up and opened the door. “You can leave now.”
Tine looked sadly at him. He couldn’t imagine how hurt Sarawat was when Tine pushed him away. But he was done lying to himself and hurting Sarawat for the sake of his image and misconceived notions about who a person should like or not like.
Tine walked over to Sarawat and took his hand, linking their fingers together and pulling him towards the bed. The door closed quietly as Sarawat let go of the handle.
“Tine?”
“I’m sorry, Wat.” Tine said quietly, looking down at his lap and clenching and unclenching his fist. He didn’t let go of Sarawat’s hand.
Sarawat gripped Tine’s hand tightly. “What do you mean?” There was hope in his voice. Tine couldn’t possibly…?
“I’m sorry for treating you like shit.” Tine looked up into Sarawat’s eyes. “For not seeing how you felt about me, or rather, seeing it and ignoring it completely.”
“I don’t want to force you to like me back, Tine.” Sarawat said quietly. “It doesn’t work like that.”
“I know that,” Tine said, desperately trying to find the words to convey his feelings. “But over the past few months, being with you just changed something in me. I look for you all the time. I feel guilty whenever you sulk about Pear. I feel sad when you’re not around me.
“When you stopped talking to me all I could think of was what I could do to get you back. Dating Pear was the farthest thing from my mind. I think I just wanted to know how you really felt.” Tine said honestly.
“I like you, Wat. I should’ve kissed you back that night.”
Sarawat watched as Tine’s cheeks colored after his confession. He couldn’t believe it. Tine liked him. After years of pining! Sarawat managed to worm his way into his love’s heart. He felt a smile pull at his lips, happiness threatening to burst out of his chest.
“Say that again, Tine.”
Tine was practically a tomato. “No way! You heard me the first time.” He looked away, blinking rapidly trying to clear the tears from his eyes. Sarawat chuckled and reached up, gently taking Tine’s chin and turning his head back to face him.
“Then I’ll say it. I like you, Tine.” Tine’s eyes widened. “So damn much.”
Sarawat pressed their lips together, tongue sliding over Tine’s bottom lip.
This time Tine kissed back.
A/N: Sarawat and Tine are so soft. *sigh*