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Bury a Friend -Billie Eilish
Damian often wonders how easily they have accepted him. Jon, Dick, Mr &Mrs Kent. During the sleepovers, family dinners and games, it’s all so….normal. He feels like a normal kid, something he never was and isn’t. How is it the most powerful being on Earth, an alien, could be more normal than his father, the only hero without powers? Sometimes he wonders if they know of his mother, his upbringing, his past.
(What do you want from me? Why don’t you run from me? What are you wondering, what do you know?)
He was a weapon, genetically engineered and trained to be the ultimate assasin. He’d killed more people in the first decade of his life than most people did in a thousand lifetimes. He has the Demon’s touch for God’s sake. Yet, Jon didn’t seem to care, nor treat him any differently.
(Why aren’t you scared of me? Why do you care for me?)
Sometimes he wonders if this is too good to be true, if it was all an act, a dream even. And he’s afraid that one day he’ll wake up and the dream shatters, can’t bear their dissapointment, their judgemental looks, can’t stand Jon looking at him with fear.
(Say it, spit it out, what is it exactly you’re paying? Is the amount cleaning you out? Am I satisfactory?)
Yes, Damian Wayne is afraid. Sometimes he thinks it would be better for him to end it, to dissappear from their lives before the pain gets too much, before they find out the monster he is. Thinking about the various methods he could use never fails to calm him.
(Today I am thinking of the things that are deadly. The way I’m drinking you down like I wanna drown, like I wanna end me. )
‘Yes’, Damian Wayne thought to himself. ‘They would be better off without me.’
(I wanna end me.)
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Crawling – Linkin Park
Jason Todd doesn’t sleep for fear of what awaits him. The dreams started innocently enough, finally being reunited with his mom, feeling loved, and he’ll only realize it was a nightmare when he wakes up screaming. It always ended the same way, him crawling, dragging himself out of the Pit. He was tortured, he was dead.
(Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal. )
He knows it was a nightmare, yet it felt so real. It was real. He really had died in that hellhole, and he had came back.
(Fear is how I fall, Confusing what is real.)
He knows he’d changed. The Pit changed him, turned his blue eyes -like Bruce’s, green, like the Pit. The rage, the madness, it scared him, how he’d lost control, consumed by the Pit. He’d changed, and he’s scared of the monster he’d became.
(There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface. Consuming, confusing.)
And when he thought he’d had it under control, he almost killed Tim, his brother. They even had to put him in Arkham. Arkham for God’s sake! Being placed in that madhouse, by his own family, as if he was one of the very monsters that killed him. He killed people, and funny enough, he enjoyed it.
(This lack of self-control I fear is never ending. Controlling, I can’t seem to find myself again, my walls are closing in. )
When it got too much, Bruce dead, Demon brat was Robin, then Roy died, he would take his favourite gun and put it in his mouth.
(I’m convinced that there’s too much pressure to take. I’ve felt this way before, so insecure.)
But he’d never pulled the trigger. He would catch a glance of his own reflection, only to see the Pit staring back at him. He never asked to be brought back, to live. Jason Todd should have died a hero, a martyr; it was better that way. No matter how hard he tried, it would always be the Pit staring back at him.
(Against my will I stand, beside my own reflection. It’s haunting how I can’t seem to find myself again.)