Chapter Text
Adora is warm and solid. She has one of her hands in Catra's hair and the other hooked around her waist. She's so close that her breath is tickling Catra's cheek the way it used to every night when they were six. She smells sweetly of sweat and she's hoarsely whispering everything that Catra has ever wanted her to say.
'Stay with me, please. Don't leave. Don't go. Not now. Catra'
Of course it's so typical of Catra's life that she's not even able to enjoy the sensation. She's going to die. She's going to die right now in Adora's arms, surrounded by bits of burning ship and stars.
Adora's crying, her face crumpling up. There's smoke everywhere and Catra can hear Scorpia and Glimmer and Hordak shouting through the thick black of it. She can't tell if Horde Prime is still on his feet or not, everything had happened so quickly. The barrel of a blaster pointed at Scorpia, the burning sensation as it hit Catra instead, purple light and a screech of metal, and then Adora.
Catra begins to drift out of consciousness. Her eyes are so heavy and her insides feel like she swallowed battery acid. Her vision blacks out to the sound of Adora's panicked begging, and when she comes back Glimmer and Scorpia are crowded round her too. Guilt twists her stomach as she looks up at the three of them. She has apologies to make but limited energy and time. After several weeks together as Horde Prime's "guests" , she and Glimmer have said enough to each other and done enough for each other that she thinks there's an understanding between them. It's not an apology but it's better than nothing. There's too much to say to Adora to even bother starting. But Scorpia - she focuses all her effort on looking at Scorpia.
'I'm sorry', she croaks.
Scorpia's eyes well up with tears. Glimmer's fill up with fire.
'She's not dying'
Sparkle's stubbornness is astounding. No matter what she always insists that things can be fixed, and that she personally can do the fixing. She's like Adora. Catra used to hate that about Glimmer. Couldn't stand it. The arrogant delusion of it all. Now it's reassuring.
Still delusional though.
'Glimmer I can't heal her', Adora chokes out, 'I don't have the sword'
That fucking sword. Catra can feel herself finally slipping away properly. It hurts but it's not so bad, someone is holding her and there are people who look like they'll actually be sorry to see her go. It's infinitely better than three months ago when she thought she would die by Glimmer's staff, alone and slumped against a slab of concrete. Really this is more than she deserves. She closes her eyes and let's go. This might just be the closest thing to peace she'll ever be allowed to have.
Adora's voice is very far away.
Suddenly, light blazes in the darkness, exploding across her eyelids. She cracks them open and sees three glowing princesses, all holding hands. Warmth floods into her bones and the whole world shifts.
When it refocuses she's lying on a marble floor staring up at a vaulted ceiling. There are still three figures crowded around her. Glimmer, Scorpia, and Adora all shimmer with residual power. Any wounds they had seem to have disappeared, and Adora is once more dressed in white with a gold, winged tiara on her head.
'Catra?', Scorpia whispers.
Catra groans, rolls over, and vomits into She-Ra's lap.
*****
On paper there are a lot of positives to being alive, like being able to wake up every morning and feel the sun on your face, knowing that you have a whole life ahead of you.
Unfortunately there are also a lot of negatives to being alive. Like having to wake up everyday with the sun on your face, knowing that you have a whole life ahead of you.
Catra sleeps in the Brightmoon stables and helps rebuild the city, shifting bricks and timber from dawn till dusk. It's the only act of redemption available to her. After throwing up all over Adora she'd passed out again, and as soon as the others had ascertained that there was nothing wrong with her apart from possible teleportation nausea they'd stashed her on a couch in a spare room and ran off to join the last push of the battle, reinvigorated by the reappearance of She-Ra. When Catra came back round to consciousness the whole castle was quiet and filled with early morning light. She'd cautiously looked out a window to discover a landscape and sky totally devoid of any sign of the Horde. In the distance, citizens of Brightmoon crawled over the ruins of their city, hugging each other and erecting banners. They'd won.
Dull relief swept over her as she clutched the window-frame and watched the tiny people waving and celebrating. She didn't know who was dead or alive and didn't want to. Not yet. Eventually she slid back down onto the couch and waited quietly for someone to come and find her.
It ended up being Glimmer. The Queen of Brightmoon, Catra's former cellmate, told her that there was a celebration happening in town. Would she come?
For reasons she couldn't explain, Catra said yes.
The festivities were surprisingly elaborate for a kingdom that had spent most of the previous week being turned to rubble by Horde Prime’s air assaults. Banners and cakes and dancing and speeches. Hundreds of people were there, some even from neighbouring kingdoms, all gravitating towards the heroes of the Great Rebellion. There must have been mead and wine flowing somewhere, because as the night drew on people kept shaking Catra's hand or hugging her as though they didn't know who she was.
Scorpia found her eventually. Catra had been alone most of the night, apart from a brief moment early on when she'd come face to face with Adora. They'd held each other's gaze, and for a moment Catra thought Adora might say something, and was torn between fear and mad hope. Then Adora just nodded to her softly, turned away, and melted into the crowd.
Scorpia stayed. She told Catra about how the battle ended. All the princesses of Etheria and She-Ra came together and activated their runestones. Without the sword She-Ra could control the Heart of Etheria's power instead of the other way around, and use it to blow Horde Prime's fleet out of the sky and wipe the ground troops off the planet. They still weren't sure why Adora had spontaneously regained the ability to transform, but it seemed to be a permanent fix. The Princess of Power was back.
So Catra had slept through it all. No battlefield glory, no chance to pay back Horde Prime for weeks of psychological torture, no way to make amends except labouring for hours a day trying to build instead of destroy. She sleeps in the stables and eats in the kitchen and mostly keeps to herself.
After a couple of weeks of this Glimmer shows up to tell her off.
'Catra this going way overboard the sentence we agreed on at your trial, you're not supposed to be working yourself to death'
'I like being busy'
Glimmer scowls.
'Catra seriously this is supposed to be a rehabilitation programme, you aren't a slave. How much sleep are you getting? You look like shit'
Glimmer's brand of concern for Catra is fairly unique. The basis of their current relationship was born from the extreme circumstance of having to do a complete one-eighty on each other and put aside their (considerable) grievances within the space of twenty-four hours in order to survive. Living in the confined quarters they'd been given on Emperor Horde's ship had been a nightmare. They'd been completely at the mercy of a narcissistic sadist who, despite a veneer of politeness, proved himself liable to turn violent at the slightest provocation. Only by constant quick-wittedness had they been able to convince Horde Prime that they were valuable enough to be kept alive. Completely isolated and dependent on the co-operation of the other, Catra and Glimmer had formed an instinctive alliance. They'd put their lives on the line for each other more than once during the three months they spent as "guests" of the Imperial court. All alone in a situation like that, unsure from day to day if they were going to live or be executed on a whim, a lot had come out of the woodwork. Long nights of confessions, tears, and yelling as they poured everything out between them, until eventually there was something more. Not a friendship exactly, but a bond. When they'd been rescued and made it back to Etheria Catra assumed it would dissipate as soon as Glimmer was restored to her circle of friends and family. But it seemed that what she and Glimmer had been through together was something that was going to leave its mark. They had seen parts of each other that no one else had during their shared imprisonment, and the instinct to look out for one another persisted. There was something there that Catra couldn't quite label that kept them linked together. Not even a little sentimental, but real. So she's irritated by Glimmer's scolding, but she gets it.
'Look Sparkles, I get three square meals a day and a place to sleep every night. I'm fine'
'You sleep in the stables '
Glimmer truly is hilarious sometimes. After all the horror and pain she’s seen she can still get scandalised about someone sleeping in hay.
'You've got a serious mouse problem down here your majesty, I'm just helping out'
'Catra I'm supposed to be responsible for your well-being while you serve your sentence, why don't you "help out" by staying in the castle'
Catra snorts.
'Isn't the entire alliance still crashing there? I'm sure they'd be just thrilled to share with me'
'I'm pretty sure Scorpia would prefer it'
Catra snarls at this new underhand approach but Glimmer ignores her and continues.
'She worries about you, you know. Wouldn't you do it for her?'
An image of Scorpia from the day after the trials swims in front of Catra's eyes, and she remembers her voice.
'It's gonna be ok now wildcat'
'Please', says Glimmer, looking away from Catra.
Catra clenches and unclenches her fists, and flicks her tail once
'Alright'
*******
She's given a room in the West wing of the castle, far away from everyone else. She doesn't know if Glimmer chose it in deference to Catra's obvious non-enthusiasm for company, or if it was at the request of one of the other princesses. She could definitely imagine Mermista or Frosta refusing to share living space with the Force Captain responsible for attacks on their kingdoms. Or maybe it would have been too close for comfort for Adora. Catra suppresses that thought as soon as it forms.
It's at least as big as her old Force Captain quarters in the Horde, with a fountain and decorations and a big lonely bed placed square in the middle. Catra's first interior design move is to push it against one of the walls, somewhere where she can see the window and the door at the same time. You never know. Of course there are guards posted outside at night, she is under arrest after all, but they're mostly for show. The spelled ankle bracelet she can't remove stops her from being anywhere she shouldn't. It was Scorpia, of all people, who'd come into her cell (a spare bedroom with some of the cushions taken out) a couple days after the Battle for Etheria and explained how the ankle bracelet situation would work. She'd gone to great lengths to emphasise that it wouldn't hurt, just stop Catra from moving in certain directions. Catra tests it when she moves into Brightmoon. It turns out Glimmer has let her go everywhere within the grounds except into the war room and the other alliance member's chambers. She has to wear it for a year, and then there'll be a review to see if she can be trusted without it.
Catra's schedule doesn't change much when she starts sleeping in the castle. She wanders down into the kitchen before everyone else wakes up, and eats. Then a member of the sorcerer's guild shows up and adjusts her bracelet so she can go into the city. She usually arrives just after sunrise. The City of Brightmoon is a mess, full of blockaded boulevards and dangerously teetering towers. Catra works alongside volunteers and city builders to repair family homes and civic buildings, all under the watchful gaze of castle guards. She sometimes sees Horde personnel she recognises among the rubble, with their telltale glowing anklets. More often the Princess Alliance passes through, directing operations and using their powers to speed things up. The city-people love to watch She-Ra single-handedly move ridiculous amounts of rubble with her bare hands. Knowing Glimmer it's a deliberate morale booster having She-Ra out there among the people. Knowing Adora, she's totally unaware of this and just wants to help people.
Catra is officially off the clock after six hours and is supposed to spend the evening relaxing, resting, reading self-improvement books, or whatever else it is reformed war-criminals are meant to do with their free time. Instead she stays on, only leaving when the sun disappears and she's dragged away by a guard. In the evenings she's more likely to cross paths with the other inhabitants of Brightmoon. Princess Perfuma gives her a tight nervous smile whenever they see each other in the garden and Bow nods to her if they pass in the corridors. Once or twice a week her and Scorpia do something together, a board game maybe, or cards. Catra is stunned Scorpia wants to be near her at all, but she throws herself into being as nice as possible. On Horde Prime's ship she'd missed Scorpia like a hole in her gut, it had been almost as bad as losing Adora again. Catra would do anything to make things up to her, so she plays the tedious board games and asks questions about Scorpia's week and listens to her. Scorpia is reserved with her, despite being the one to seek her out, but one night Catra says something that makes her smile. It's like the sun comes out and shines on Catra. She's not naïve enough to think it'll ever go back to the way it was, not after everything she's done. But if she could do something now and again to make Scorpia smile she'll be happy.
She sees Glimmer even less frequently, a couple of times a month. Some nights they go together to the wine cellars to drink. When the memories of the past and the pressures of the present overwhelm them both, the Queen of Brightmoon and her prisoner sit down at the heavy wooden table, light a lamp, and pour some glasses. There was no alcohol in the Horde, and from Glimmer's reaction to the wine the first few nights Catra figures she'd never drunk more than a toasting glass at a banquet, but eventually they both develop a taste for Plumerian red. In the beginning, they don't talk much, sometimes they don't say a word to each other all night long, just sit there drinking. On the ship they had gotten most of the big stuff out of the way quickly, anything that would have damaged their teamwork. It was a survival choice. Staying alive meant being on the same page. The first night there they were put in a massive, resplendent apartment together. It had grand bedrooms for the Queen and her "advisor", a stocked pantry, a luxurious drawing room, an indoor garden, and doors that electrocuted you if you tried to open them. For all of Horde Prime's posturing, they were still prisoners. Prisoners who would get to eat dinner with the Emperor every night while he prodded and poked at them hungrily for information.
The two girls had circled each other warily the first time they were left alone. Catra was thinking of ways to smooth things over, work things to her advantage. She didn't have much energy or desire left in her for manipulation, but a tiny voice in her head told her that she didn't really want to die, not just yet. To her surprise, it was Glimmer who actually spoke first.
'I hate you. My mother is dead because of you. Etheria has been destroyed and it's all your fault. You're a terrible person and I was this close to killing you myself earlier'
'But you didn't', the tiny voice in Catra's head said.
Aloud she spat out, 'The feeling's mutual'
'Tell me why'
Catra stared at her.
'I'm serious. We're only escaping this ship together. We need each other, we need to be allies, and that's not gonna happen if I feel like strangling you every ten seconds. So get it all out of your system because I know you feel the same'
Catra straightens up. She doesn’t even need to think about what she’s going to say. It’s been burning through her brain every night for over a year.
'I hate you because you took everything that I loved away from me. I hate you because you were born into the highest power in your land and it was just going to be handed over to you when you never did anything to earn it. I hate you because you think you're so noble, but we both know that if Adora hadn't been able to use the sword you wouldn't have given a Horde soldier a second chance'
Glimmer's jaw clenches at the mention of Adora's name, but she nods.
'Fine. We're done here. Now let's work together'
It had been a typical optimistic princess move, to think they could have one tell-all moment and then they'd be fine. There had been many nights after when they'd screamed their throats raw at each other. But in front of Horde Prime, they were a united front, and they never laid a finger on each other. After a fortnight they ran out of things to shout about and started sitting on the velvet white couches and looking out the massive viewing window together. Counting stars.
They do the same now, when it's clear out. Sprawl out on the grass in the gardens, a little drunk, and look up at the million billion lights crowding the sky. Etheria isn't alone anymore. Catra wonder's what anybody who happened to look out the window at night would think if they saw the two of them lying together for hours at a time. Once or twice she thinks she sees Adora's blonde head.
Glimmer has some nerve to lecture Catra about taking care of herself. There are nights when she looks like she's going to pass out. They both have nightmares, everyone in the damn castle does, they're not special. The place is full of wandering footsteps after dark. But Catra and Glimmer's nightmares can be identical. Shadow Weaver shows up regularly, or Horde Prime, or Hordak himself. The Emperor used to enjoy unnerving them by having Hordak appear in their rooms unannounced with his awful new green eyes and mechanical voice, asking if the Queen and her advisor would like tea, or extra blankets, or anything, anything at all to make their stay more comfortable. It made their skin crawl.
Once Glimmer says off-handedly that she has terrible dreams about losing Adora, and Catra grips her wineglass so tightly that it smashes in her hand. Glimmer silently magicked the mess away.
One time, when Catra has a little more to drink than usual, she admits that sometimes she wakes up screaming Glimmer's name after a nightmare about the ship, and panics when she doesn't know where the other girl is. That makes Glimmer cry.
They still have a lot to say to each other, but the fury has disappeared. Instead, they sound weary, and like they're trying to purge a sickness out of their systems. Catra wants to know how Glimmer could let Shadow Weaver, Hordak's second in command for decades, her father's abuser, free reign of Brightmoon, but hate Catra so personally.
'I guess for a long time you were the only Horde commander I actually came face to face with. And you felt like a real person because of all the stories Adora told about your childhood. It was easier to hate you than to hate some shadowy figure I never really saw'
Glimmer wants to know why Catra wouldn't just go with Adora when asked. How could she expect sympathy when she refused to leave?
'All my life people treated me like shit. Shadow Weaver would get violent with me over the smallest thing, and growing up she controlled our whole world. But I thought that if Adora and I stuck together we would make it to the top where no one could hurt us. That dream was all that kept me going in the Horde. It became an obsession. I couldn't let it go. When Adora defected it was like she was telling me that everything we'd gone through- everything I’d gone through- to make that dream happen didn't matter. She could throw everything that happened to me away for some strangers and a shiny new cause. So I hated her'
They keep going until it's gone. All the resentment, anger, and dislike. They get too fucking tired for it. Tired of hating. Glimmer starts talking about being Queen, rebuilding the kingdom, and spending time with her father. Catra keeps her up to date with her and Scorpia's game tournament. Scorpia wipes her off the table in the board games, Catra has an excellent poker face. Glimmer asks her about how the people are feeling. She doesn't get to talk to them in the streets as much as she wants. One night, for no apparent reason, they decide to hold races with each other: who can scale a wall the quickest, who can get from the North wing to the South first, who can make it to the cellar from the top of the highest tower. Another night Catra convinces Glimmer to raid the kitchen with her. She's never had ice-cream before. Very, very occasionally Glimmer joins her and Scorpia for game night.
Mostly though they are alone together after hours, sometimes twice in a week, sometimes not for a month at a time. Depending on the day they've had they are crazy and childish with one another, or serious and quiet. Their moods adjust together quickly, a holdover from the ship, where they communicated mostly through body-language.
The months pass and the world passes by Catra. She's aware that there are bigger goings on in Etheria from Scorpia, Glimmer, and the people on the street, but she doesn't pay much attention. Her life now consists of the cycle of work and sleep, punctuated by evenings with Scorpia and nights with Glimmer. She tries to think about the past as little as possible, although she can still never totally banish thoughts of Adora. She works and she waits as the year progresses, aware at the back of her mind that the review of her sentence is drawing close.