Work Text:
I’m going to that weird place again
The one where it’s muted and funny and fuzzy and I don’t like it.
The one where tastes don’t taste right
And feelings don’t feel right
And nothing feels real but everything feels too much.
The one where it’s always overwhelming
And far too underwhelming
And it’s a struggle to talk to others.
The one where I never know what to say
So I always stay quiet
So I always talk too much
So I always say the wrong thing.
The one where I can always feel food at the back of my throat
Oil in my mouth
I can’t get the taste out
I want to throw up.
The one where my attention span’s shit
Where I can’t watch a movie without asking “how much longer”
Where I can’t read a book without seeing how many pages in the chapter
Where I can’t read a long post on Instagram
Where I can barely make my bed.
The place where I’m always angry
At my “friends”
At the world
At myself.
The place where I’m always sad
Because of my “friends”
Because of the world
Because of myself.
The place where I swing from happy to sad
Peaceful to mad
Content to raring for a fight.
The place where I’m awake while asleep
And asleep while awake.
The place where I can’t sleep
But I’m always tired
Where I’m never hungry
But I have to eat
Where I don’t want to listen to music
But want background noise.
I’m going to the weird place where thoughts go dark
And sweet turns sour
And I don’t feel happy or sad or anything at all really.
I’m going to the weird place where all the music I have isn’t good enough
So what’s the point of listening
And it feels like everyone’s ignoring me
So what’s the point of speaking?
The weird place where I’m only good as a punching bag
Blame heaped on me
Or a place to unload your feelings
No regards for my own.
The weird place where I’m pretty sure no one likes me
But I know they love me
But do they really?
Yes
No
Yes
No
YES
no
Yes?
The weird place where I’m pretty sure I’m the worst person on earth
But I haven’t done anything wrong and I know that.
The weird place where being on social media makes everything worse
But everything better
And learning feels impossible
But like the only thing I want to do
And I’m not bored
But I’m not interested
And I want to listen
But I can’t hear properly
And I want to watch
But I can’t focus
And I want to read
But I can’t see properly
And everything is overwhelming
But everything is underwhelming
And I’m in a weird place
Where thoughts spiral down
Where everything’s weird
And numb
And blank
And I don’t like it here.
I left this place in last year but I didn’t
And now I’m back
And I don’t want to be
Because I’m happy
But I don’t get a choice.
I’m Alice in Wonderland
Gravity dragging me down the rabbit hole
And I can’t choose to leave
Until I meet some standard
But I don’t know what it is
And so I’m just.
In a weird place
Where everything’s blank
And I feel too much and not enough
And emotions feel like a dream
And I don’t like it
But I guess I have to stay.