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“Ban… we need to talk.”
Ban looked up from the bottle of ale he was trying to down in one gulp, and flashed a grin at the teammates who had all gathered around him, “What is it, cap’n? You want a sip?”
“No Ban,” said Meliodas, “This isn’t about your drinking habits. This is about… your clothes.”
Ban did a double take, “My… wha?”
“Yeah,” said King, face a little redder than usual, “You… you dress like a hoe, Ban.”
“Exactly!” Diane jumped in, “For goddess clan’s sake, put your tits away!”
“Like you’re one to talk…” Hawk mumbled from under the table.
“To be clear,” said Merlin, “Your clothing choices are beginning to affect business. People are starting to think we’re that kind of bar.”
“Yeah,” said King, “Just the other day, some ladies came up to me and asked if they could hire you as a male stripper—“
“Whoah, sweet! You got me a gig as a stripper!?”
“What the—no , god , see this is what I’m talking about!”
“Ban,” Meliodas said seriously, “I’m telling you this as a friend. Bros before hoes means nothing if your bro is also a hoe.”
“I can’t believe you guys!” Ban slammed his bottle on the table, “I’m not even the least conservative person here! What about you Diane?”
Diane flushed, “Oh… umm… well wearing too much clothing affects my fighting style, so…”
“And Merlin?”
“Restrictive clothing interferes with my research.”
“Well Escanor isn’t even wearing a shirt!”
“Shirts fear me, for they know they are no match for my limitless power.”
“There you have it,” Meliodas said, “We all have a reason to be sluts. You just… slut.”
Ban growled, “To think you’d all come after me like this. Some friends you lot are.”
He headed towards the door, ready to storm out of the place… before he made a beeline over to Gowther who was looking out the window, for once not a part of the commotion.
“What about Gowther? He’s wearing a crop top!”
“ Oh yeah,” Meliodas scratched his head, “What was Gowther’s excuse?”
Gowther flashed a pose, “It looks good on me.”
“That’s not an excuse. Gowther, we need to have a talk—“
“No!” Ban said, “Not today!” He grabbed Gowther by the arm, “Come on Gowther, I’m not giving up the hoe lifestyle and neither should you!”
“Ban wait!” Cried King, “Don’t do this!”
“Too late!” Said Ban, “If you guys are enforcing a dress code now, then I’m out! Come on, Gowther!”
Gowther skipped along behind him, “Oh, where are we going?”
Ban smirked, “To teach those assholes what a real slut is.”
***
The next day was just like a regular day at the Boar Hat. Well, as regular as it could be with two of its members gone. The remaining sins did their best to run things smoothly, but without their chef, things became hectic rather quickly. Thankfully, Slader proved not to be hopeless in the kitchen. They managed to get by, though just barely.
It was around noon when the bell chimed and they all looked up to see a pretty young woman enter the bar. She had on a mini skirt that just barely constituted as a skirt, boots that reached her knees and a shoulderless top that showed off her clavicle. But wait a minute… that was a very familiar clavicle…
“What the— Gowther?” King cried, face burning.
Gowther flashed a pose and King had to look away because it made the skirt ride up and he did not need to see what was under it.
“Well, well, well,” said a familiar baritone and seconds later Ban entered… wearing boy shorts.
“Ban, Gowther!” Said Hawk, “What in the heck are you two wearing!?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Ban said, “I didn’t know you were the Seven Deadly Nuns. Does our attire offend your prudish sensibilities?”
King growled, “You…”
“Well now,” said Merlin, “I see you’ve decided to dramatize the issue. Not hard to believe coming from you. But Gowther? Why are you going along with this?”
“I want to learn more about what fuels human anger. Sparkle.”
“Hey!” Ban hissed in his ear, “That’s not what I told you to say!”
“Oh yes,” Gowther straightened his glasses, “‘Fuck all y’all clothes-wearing sons of bitches. #Slutlife.’”
“How dare you teach Gowther such foul words!” Slader cried, while Diane mumbled,
“What is a hashtag?”
“Anyway,” said Ban, “We didn’t come here to chat. We came to eat,” he flopped down in a chair and smacked the table, “Waiter!” He said, “Two popsicles please!”
“This won’t end well,” said Diane, even as she headed to the kitchen to carry out their order.
A minute later, she came out holding two red popsicles.
“Thanks Diane!” Said Ban, taking one and handing the other to Gowther. Then he started licking it… in the most provocative way possible.
“Eww,” said King, “Can you not?”
“ Oh? Are sluts not welcome in this establishment? Maybe you should post that on the door!”
Gowther stared at his popsicle for a moment as if he didn’t know what to do with it. Then promptly shoved the whole thing down his throat.
Ban choked, jumping across the table to grab his arm, “Gowther! What are you doing? You’ll choke!”
Gowther slid the popsicle back out and looked at him in confusion, “Choke? Oh. Don’t worry about that! I’m a doll. I don’t have a gag reflex.”
Diane could see how all the guys paused. Thinking.
“Oh, you guys are disgusting!” She cried.
King blushed and tried to change the subject, “Th-That’s beside the point!” He pointed at them angrily, “How dare you do such lewd things with Diane’s popsicles!”
“We’re just living up to your expectations,” Ban explained, “You think we’re hoes, then we’ll be hoes.”
Merlin rolled her eyes, “Oh for the—“
It was then that the door opened and two holy knights entered.
“Hello!” One greeted Meliodas, “We’d like a table and two— Whoah!”
He ran over to Ban and Gowther’s table, “I didn’t know this was that kind of bar!” He offered his hand to Gowther and blushed while shaking it, “N-Nice to meet you. My name is—“
“No, no, no!” The other one said, “You’re doing it wrong!” He approached Gowther and pulled out a bag of coins, “Hey gorgeous. What would you do for all this gold?”
Gowther stared at the bag, saying nothing, then gestured for the knights to follow him.
They went into a nearby broom closet and closed the door. And everything was silent.
Then five minutes later, the knights tumbled out onto the floor, bright red and stupid smiles on their faces.
Gowther flashed a pose.
“Mission accomplished.”
“What!?” Cried King, “What happened in there!? Ban! Say something!”
But Ban was too busy wiping away tears, “I’ve never been prouder in my life. You make sluts everywhere cry with joy.”
“Ban!”
Ban got to his feet, “You brought this on yourselves! Apologize now or we’ll become full time sluts!”
The bar was silent, everyone waiting to see what the captain would say.
Meliodas set his jaw and said, “Bring it.”
Ban smirked, “Challenge accepted. Hope you’ll enjoy running a bar with no chef.”
Merlin rolled her eyes, “Slader cooks well enough to—“ she paled, “No wait, you wouldn’t dare—“
Ban smiled wider, “I would! Gowther! Secret technique!”
Slader tried to back away but was too late as Gowther suddenly launched himself at him, hugging his arm and batting his eyelashes at him.
“Slader,” he said, “I finished my popsicle. Do you have anything else I can suck on?”
Slader was flung backwards from the sheer force of his nosebleed, then he lay twitching and unresponsive on the ground.
“Slader, no!” Meliodas raced over to him, trying to wake him up, but all he got was unintelligible murmuring in return, “That was a dirty trick, Ban!”
Ban fell over laughing, “That… that was perfect! Ten out of ten! Really!”
Escanor glowered, “Alright Ban, this has gone far enough—“
“Oh no, not at all!” Ban said as he struggled to his feet, still laughing, “You haven’t seen anything yet! We’ll just see who backs down first!”
***
The next day, Slader was nowhere to be found. King and Diane went out to look for him, but came up empty. It was half an hour until the bar opened when they finally decided to call off the search and serve Meliodas’s cooking instead.
“Don’t worry guys,” Meliodas said, rolling up his sleeves, “I’ve gotten better at this!”
King floated by, face turning green, “I’m feeling sick just thinking about it.”
The bar opened as usual, and somehow they managed not to scare everyone off with Meliodas’s food. But that was probably due to Merlin being forced to wait tables, to cover for Gowther’s absence.
They were just tidying up from the afternoon rush when the door opened, and Ban and Gowther entered… with Slader in tow.
“ Slader?” Cried Diane, “What are you doing with them!?”
But Slader was too busy pulling out Gowther’s chair for him, “After you Gowther-tan. Shall I get you something to drink, Gowther-tan?”
Gowther waved him off while the others seethed.
“You joined the dark side!?”
“We were worried about you!”
“ Gowther-tan?”
Ban cackled. He was wearing his boy shorts again, but this time he had on a shirt that was cut off above his belly button. Gowther had on a similar getup, with the same boots from the day before.
“Slader has decided to convert to the hoe lifestyle,” said Ban, “He thinks you should let Gowther dress however he wants.”
“Exactly!” Said Slader, “Gowther-tan looks adorable in absolutely everything! I won’t let you impose on his clothing choices!”
Merlin huffed, “Slader, really—“
“Don’t talk down to us!” Said Ban, “This is all your fault! So if you have nothing nice to say, we’ll just do our thing. Two beers please!”
Elizabeth reluctantly went behind the bar. She returned shortly with two tankards.
Ban began gulping his down as usual, then purposely spilled some on himself.
“Oops! I seem to have made a mess! Gowther, will you help me out?”
“Of course, fellow slut Ban.” Gowther walked over and licked a long stripe across Ban’s abs.
One of the customers dropped his beer in his lap.
“I-I spilled mine too!”
“And me!”
“Me too!”
“No!” Diane cried, “They're turning the customers into hoes!”
King scowled, trying to pretend his face wasn’t on fire, “You two are unbelievable!”
“What’s unbelievable is how small minded you all are!” Ban said, “We’ll show you! We’ll show all of you!”
***
The next day, the Boar Hat was very slow. Actually worse than slow. Completely dead.
“Where… where are all the customers?” Diane asked.
“I can see being scared of Captain’s cooking,” said King, “But even this is excessive.”
Elizabeth looked out the window for what felt like the hundredth time, but there was still no one to be seen, “Maybe I should go out and try to bring some customers in?”
“Couldn’t hurt,” said Meliodas with a shrug, “How about we all go? Hawk can mind the bar while we’re gone.”
“ Why me?”
“Sounds like a plan,” said King, and they all filed out the door… only to stop short.
“What the…” said Diane, “What is this?”
Another bar was open right next to theirs. And it was called…
“The Whore Hat!?”
“Who in the…”
“Only one person could be responsible for this,” said Merlin, “Let’s go.”
They all barged in, ready to give Ban a piece of their minds.
But it was packed.
“What in...” Elizabeth said, “I’ve never seen so many people in one room before.”
“Yeah,” said Diane, trying to stand up taller and see what all the fuss was about.
Oddly enough, no one was sitting down, despite the tables everywhere.They all seemed to be standing in line.
“What are they waiting for?” Asked Elizabeth.
Their answer came seconds later when a curtain on the back wall was pushed aside and a Holy Knight stumbled out, blushing all over.
Gowther poked his head out, “Next.”
The next person in line rushed forward, closing the curtain behind them.
King was sure his face would be permanently red after this, “… What is this?”
A curtain next to Gowther’s opened up and Ban walked out, “Alright, who’s my next victim?”
An eager young woman came forward but was intercepted by Meliodas.
“Just a minute!” He said, “Ban, what is this place?”
“Hey!” The young woman cried, “Don’t interrupt my time with Ban!”
“Calm down, I just need… wait Jericho?”
Jericho scowled at him, “Get out of the way, pipsqueak! I didn’t wait three hours for nothing!”
Meliodas turned back to his friend, “Ban, what’s going on here?”
“Oh it’s very simple, cappie. This is the hoe revolution and everyone is on board. Everyone but you,” Ban grinned, “So what’s it gonna be? Are you gonna join us… or be destroyed?”
Meliodas growled, “I'll never join you hoes!”
“Fine then! Come on Jerry. We have places to be.”
Ban and Jericho disappeared behind the curtain.
***
The very next day, the sins were stunned to see Slader of all people entering their bar.
“Slader!?” Diane cried while King growled.
“What are you doing here you traitor?”
Slader pulled his sword off his back and leaned it up against the wall.
“I only came to talk, you guys,” he said, “No need to get hostile.”
“Hostile?” King cried, “You jerks tried to put us out of business! Of course we’re hostile!”
Slader sighed, “Ban and Gowther are trying to prove a point. I’ll admit their methods are a little… unorthodox, but they aren’t wrong this time. You guys really hurt their feelings.”
“Gowther doesn’t have feelings.” Meliodas answered automatically, to which Slader sighed.
“He said, and I quote, ‘If I had a heart, would it be broken right now?’”
“Gah!” King grabbed his head, “That’s even worse!”
“How can you put the blame on us?” Diane asked, “They’re the ones blowing things out of proportion.”
“Yes, but they aren’t doing anything you all haven’t done. Diane, does your fighting style really require you to dress like that? Didn’t you used to wear a full suit of armor?”
Diane looked away.
“Merlin, what does your clothing have to do with your research? You wore a cloak during your time in Camelot, am I correct?”
“...”
“The point is, you dress the way you do because it makes you feel good about yourself. Clothing is a form of self expression. How can you justify saying that some people can dress a certain way while others can’t?”
He gazed around the room, “For outcasts and past criminals like ourselves, the only place we truly fit in is amongst one another. This is the only place we don’t have to worry about being judged. And it should stay that way.”
“I guess you’re right…” said Diane.
“Think about it,” said Slader, “At least for their sake.”
They did not get to think about it. Because at that moment, the door flew open and Ban walked in… stark naked.
“Well hello there old friends,” he said while Diane and Elizabeth screamed and shielded their eyes, “Quite chilly in here, wouldn’t you say?”
“Ban!” Cried Kind, “What is wrong with y—“
Then suddenly, the door flew open and people shuffled in like sardines, packing the bar from one end to the other.
“I… I’m scared,” said Diane from her hiding place behind the counter.
“Are they here to kill us?” Asked Elizabeth.
But their answer came seconds later when the crowd parted and Gowther walked in. Also naked.
“All hail King and Queen Slut,” the crowd chanted.
Meliodas’s eye twitched, “Alright, this is seriously out of hand.”
“Well, old friends,” said Ban, “We just wanted to give you one more chance to join the slut life. Seeing as how you’re the only ones in the kingdom who have yet to convert.”
“Fiend!” Cried Diane, “How dare you!”
Ban cackled, “Well captain? What do you say?”
Meliodas’s face was unreadable. He hunched his shoulders and stepped around the bar, coming to a stop in front of his best friend. Then he said, “Yeah, I get what you’re trying to say. Ban, Gowther. We’re sorry.”
“Eh?”
“Sorry?”
“We are?”
Meliodas continued, “We shouldn’t have come after you like that. It’s your body. If you want to dress a certain way, you have a right to. Slut shaming is wrong, and it should never be tolerated anywhere. Least of all among friends.”
Diane shuffled from foot to foot, “Yeah, he’s right. We’re sorry.”
“Agreed,” said King.
The other sins mumbled their apologies, looking guilty.
“So,” said Meliodas, “Any chance you want to come back to us?”
Ban thought about it for a moment. Then grinned, “Aww you know I can’t leave you cappie.”
The sins cheered, happy that their team was finally back together. And that they could finally run their bar.
“Alright then,” said Ban, “I’m gonna go put some clothes on. Maybe streaking was a bad idea … Come on, Gowther.”
The two of them went off up the stairs.
Then the other sins remembered the giant crowd, still in the bar.
“Oh… umm…” Diane muttered, “What do we do with all these people?”
Before anyone could answer, a man broke off from the crowd and stepped forward, “You…” he said, pointing to Merlin, “You are the epitome of slut!”
“Yes!” A woman agreed, “You will be our next slut queen!”
“ All hail slut queen. All hail slut queen.”
Meliodas laughed nervously, “Now, now, I don’t think you should… Merlin? Put the staff down. Merlin? Merlin? MERLIN NO DON’T!”
Aaaaaand like always, things were never really ‘back to normal’ in the Boar Hat.