Work Text:
either the sun or the fire has awoken every
part of me.
these heavy limbs,
these breaking bones
all getting ready for yet another day of carrying
a frail mess around.
this mind inside once again awaiting pain,
I wake up as if taking a preventative pill; for my own life.
rise up from the ashes
of your slumber, darling,
maybe today you will live instead of just survive.
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡
Dear diary,
I remember back then as an elementary school kid, I kept thinking that you were different from the rest. You had shone so bright, and you continued to do so when you grew and grew. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep up with you and the others.
"Then, I'll say it again. Roselia is aiming for the top, and we can't reach the top without you. Lisa, I want you with me until the end."
Yukina lied to me. I'm still the least skilled member of Roselia. Well, my fingers aren't that worn down, right? I need to work harder. For Yukina, and for Roselia. As long Yukina is happy, I'm happy~✩
Sadly, these pretty star tears won't stop falling lately. My cries are accompanied with the pleasant tingling sounds of wind chimes. It's really nice. It never fails to remind me of the times where I'd gaze into her sharp, golden eyes; burning with passion. The same pair of eyes that unknowingly soften whenever she plays with stray cats.
But why is it that I can't differentiate blue and green?
•················•················•
Dear diary,
Ever since Roselia formed, I've learned so many new things about everyone! Like how Rinko loves playing Neo Fantasy Online with Ako every night, and how Sayo is part of the student council and disciplinary committee. Yukina? She's still the same old Yukina~ Although she and Sayo kept making harsh remarks when one of us (read: me) slipped up.
It's hard being the person who constantly messes up. Still, I won’t give up! Yukina finally found someone who has the same ideals as her; to reach for the top. She also found a keyboardist AND a drummer! Together, the four movements create a symphony. How classical~ I can't bring them down, I need to prove that I'm worthy of being Roselia's bassist. Yukina needs me to reach Future World Festival (or FWF for short); the stage of her dreams.
Ahaha, I think I should go and sleep~✩
•················•················•
Dear diary,
The only way to heal from star tear disease is for one's love to be naturally reciprocated. I feel like I'm getting closer to her, but why won't these stars stop falling?
I realised that I'm actually the type who worries about everyone and everything. I'm confident that I'm able to contribute to Roselia because of how my personality is. It's weird that I can't see the good points of myself at times.
Today, I saw Sayo coughing up some flowers; blue roses and white camellias to be exact! I was so worried, I dragged her to the bathroom (she refused to, at first) and gave her some painkillers. Luckily no one saw us. We were sitting at CiRCLE's lounge, and no one came in. Could it be… she's in love with someone too? Oh dear, I'll do my best to help her~ Who knows, maybe I could be her wingman? Hanahaki is a dangerous disease; literally brings a new definition to "love can kill".
I'll definitely ask her more details tomorrow.
•················•················•
Dear diary,
The annual Star Festival is this weekend, I can't wait! Hina wants to go with Sayo, so I kinda helped her by mentioning it to Sayo, and she looked very surprised! Hahaha~✩ Since there won't be any rehearsals on that day, maybe I should invite Yukina too. Oh my god, this… sounds like a date. I wish it was.
When we were younger, Yukina and I attended the festival every year. I remember how Yukina would scoot closer to me whenever we walked. She was afraid of crowds; she still is. I remember when I would gently blow on our shared takoyaki because she hates hot food. It burns her tongue, and it apparently takes the flavour away. Despite knowing this, she always forgets to wait for the food to cool down~!
I remember every single moment that we've spent together. If I could, I want to protect her forever. She has a soft side which she doesn't show to just anyone (except me!!!), she cares about the well-being of others, what else could I ever need in a significant other?
I'm trying to accept that I deserve someone as beautiful as you.
•················•·················•
Dear diary,
"I wish for Yukina to be at her happiest all the time."
This was my humble wish, written on the strip of paper. Whenever she smiles, it feels cruel that I couldn't kiss her. My love, I want to be called yours.
This year turned out to be different. We got separated by the crowd! It was my fault because I didn't hold onto her hand… But you know what's sweet? Both of us thought of the same thing.
"If I was in her shoes, what would she do?"
Yukina and I found each other at the park, where we would always talk and relax after a tiring day at the Star Festival. We ended up watching the fireworks, with her head resting on my shoulder. The sky was filled with colourful lights, but my eyes were on her. ♡
Hehe~ Enough of being a romantic. I remember asking Sayo about her Hanahaki disease. She said love doesn't matter (but you're hurting…) since Roselia's priority is reaching Future World Festival. Maybe she'll open up to me, sooner or later. Speaking of love, it seems that Ako and Rinko are getting closer!! They might be dating each other, I saw Ako kissing Rinko's cheek~ Ah… youth. Wait, NO I'M NOT THAT OLD!
•················•·················•
Dear diary,
"How sure are you that what I'm feeling right now is romantic attraction, Imai-san?"
SAYO OPENED UP AND ASKED ME FOR HELP!!♡ She mentioned that this certain someone means a lot to her~ I gave her normal relationship advice; but as expected, Roselia's guitarist is driven by logic, not emotion. Still, I persisted that love is a feeling which you can't overanalyze!
How adorable, pining is truly wonderful. It shows you a different side of a person.
Meanwhile, Yukina seems to be worked up over something. Damn it, she won't tell me why! Guess I'll have to do some digging, hehe✩ I hope she'll feel alright soon.
OMG, I forgot to write this down! How could I? Rinko came up to me and asked me advice about… something weird. Well, it's not WEIRD but I'm confused.
"Um… Imai-san, how do I look… prettier?"
I remember when we went to the beach together and GOD, she looked effortlessly gorgeous in her swimsuit! Geez, she doesn't even need makeup or whatever~ Anyway, I said that she's already beautiful but makeup enhances one's look!
We went to a cosmetics store and I suggested some nice makeup brands to Rinko. I kept mistaking Rinko's lipstick colour choices though. When I told her red looks good on her lips, she looked confused and told me the colour that she tried on was purple. I laughed, and quickly brushed it off as a dumb mistake, but it felt unsettling. Something isn't right.
•················•·················•
Fuck.
I'm so stupid, I should've seen this coming.
Hikawa Sayo is in love with... Minato Yukina.
What should I do? Whenever we practised, Sayo always looked so lifeless, but she blamed it instead on her lifeless sound. It's not your sound, it's YOU who's getting weaker. I can't imagine the suffering that she's going through.
There's two ways to cure Hanahaki:
- Remove the blossoming flowers through surgery, but your feelings disappear. You won't be able to love anymore.
- Get the person you're pining for to return your love, naturally.
The fact that she could die and leave Hina alone….
Oh no. No, no, no, NO!
I should suggest that she should undergo surgery. That's the most logical route; something that Sayo would agree with, right?
Honestly, I don't know what's the best for all of us. Is it okay, to be selfish for once?
•················•················•
Dear diary,
Did something happen to Sayo? Like did she bump her head against the wall or anything like that? She REJECTED my suggestion!
"No matter what it takes, I want to win her heart. Yukina saved me, and I'm saving myself too."
Love can kill. One-sided love, that is. She loves her, she really does. She can't die, Roselia wouldn't be… Roselia anymore. I'll do my very best to bring them together. That is what Roselia's moodmaker would do, right? I love Yukina, but there's no way I would let Sayo die because of my selfishness.
I'm sorry, my dear self. My best friends' happiness matters the most. I'll forget about this sooner or later, haha✩
•················•················•
Dear diary,
I persuaded Yukina to write lyrics with Sayo about finding her sound, and she immediately agreed! With this, they get to spend more time together~ I really hope this will work out, they seem to have similar views and goals; which I don't have. Besides that, their chemistry is mindblowing! It's so cool, like B-BAM! (Ako, you're really influencing me.)
ALSO, I SAW AKO AND RINKO KISSING! K-I-S-S-I-N-G. They looked so flustered when they noticed me entering the studio~ Apparently, they started dating two weeks ago, and they were scared of coming out to the rest of Roselia. I totally understand that feeling as a sapphic myself, so I gave them space and reassured them that they'll be fine with it.
Then again, they're too obvious. Well, look at their banter!
I'm so happy that I treated myself with a slice of cheesecake! Though, I found it funny that it was pink in colour. I asked the cashier about it, and she had the audacity to call me colourblind! It was PINK, not YELLOW!!
I keep mixing up certain colours lately, how silly of me~✩ But I'm starting to think that it's more serious than just that.
•················•················•
God, is there a way for me to stop crying? My heart aches, but it's not as much as what Sayo has been going through.
Star tear disease isn't a new thing; it has been in existence for a thousand years or more. Scientists have worked hard to find a cure or a vaccine for it, but to no avail. Different people have different coloured stars falling down their faces, accompanied by gentle and pleasant chimes. The symptoms are so distinguishable to the point that self-diagnosis is accepted!
I first cried stars when I was seven. I loved Yukina before I even knew what love was. I was an elementary school kid, hopelessly in love with Minato Yukina. We were both so young, but something simple became more every time she said my name.
I love everything about her, she's really amazing. Because of her, I'd always try to become a better person. I've learned a lot by just listening to her, and she would always educate me about the things which I don't know much about. She's not the type to smile a lot but when she does, I feel warm and safe inside. There's so much more to discover about her, and I keep finding more reasons to love her every single day.
Moving on, nothing interesting happened~ Just Sayo awkwardly flirting with Yukina. Ahaha! She's so cute though…. I wonder if Yukina actually feels something towards her; Sayo keeps coughing up more and more flowers lately.
•················•················•
Evening - CiRCLE's cafeteria
Lisa stirred her cappuccino while deep in thought. The other Roselia members were a little too calm about the contest, seemingly without any worry. Roselia's bassist sighed and thought about Yukina asking her if she was alright a while ago. "Yukina~ You don't need to worry about me. I'm more worried about you, to be honest! Now... I'm going to get some fresh air." she replied.
What if Yukina was right? Maybe something was wrong with her. Before Lisa got to spiral deeper in her negative thoughts, Sayo sat next to her; which startled her. "Imai-san, good work for today. By the way, you seem to be worried about something", the guitarist expressed her concerns. Lisa nervously laughed and reassured Sayo that she was fine.
Sayo was too observant for her own good. Of course she wouldn't buy whatever Lisa said.
"Imai-san, what does being in the Future World Festival mean to you?"
"Well… Roselia aims for the top, and I want to assist Yukina in achieving her dreams, a-as her childhood friend! You know, seeing her being too calm and composed is starting to make me worry."
"...Is that so, as her childhood friend? You should know her well, Imai-san. You need to believe in her. If you're still worried, why not go and confront her?"
Sayo got up from her seat and left the cafeteria, leaving Lisa with thousands of questions. Did she wrongly answer Sayo's question? What if Yukina didn’t want to tell Lisa about her worries anymore? Is it even okay for her to appear in the festival with this kind of condition?
Grabbing her cup of cappuccino, Lisa ran with her bass guitar bag with tears in her glassy eyes. She mustn't show anyone this side of her.
•················•················•
Dear diary,
I've decided what I want to do. I'm writing lyrics! As Yukina's childhood friend, I want to show everyone that I'm skilled enough as a member of Roselia. I need to come up with lyrics befitting Roselia's image. I was so busy thinking of what to write all the time, to the point I didn't pay much attention in class and kept bumping into people!
It's currently 2 A.M. right now and I can’t fall asleep- brainstorming time! I must do my best for everyone.
GanbaLisa~✩
•················•················•
Midnight - Lisa's room
It took 3 days for Lisa to come up with nicely written lyrics. Lisa sighed in relief and laid down on her bed, thinking about what would her crush think about said lyrics. She got up from her bed to turn off the lights, but she stopped to look at her framed photograph of Yukina, who was facing the camera with her radiant smile while petting a stray cat.
It would be nice if she smiled like that after reading my lyrics.
Lisa didn't cry herself to sleep that night.
•················•················•
What did I expect; Yukina bursting into tears after reading my lyrics? Hugging me tight while softly muttering "I love you, Lisa. You're the best." into my ear?
She said that she can't sing this and she didn't explain why. We attended practice like NOTHING happened at all. What's worse is I bumped into Sayo while being all teary-eyed after practice. She probably noticed. She probably noticed that I had galaxies about to pour down my cheeks.
I hate this- I hate being Imai Lisa. All I ever am in life is being a disappointment to everyone.
How did it turn out to be like this? Why did I pick up music? There's only one answer: Minato Yukina.
I remember the times when Yukina, her father, and I formed a "band" and had jam sessions together. We would perform as if there was an audience cheering on for us; it was really fun. Her father would always remind us to treasure the feelings we had and never forget it. Ahaha~ I remember making a flower crown with white clovers for Yukina! She looked so adorable in it, and I taught her how to make one too~ She may be talented, but she's pretty clumsy when it comes to things like these. ♡
Suddenly, we stopped doing sessions together. Yukina's father stopped playing music, and Yukina changed; I didn't know why. By the time I knew the reason, it was too late. Her perspective towards music had changed- it was all to avenge her father. Although that doesn’t seem to be her main reason for participating in the Future World Festival. She found her best friends, and we could depend on each other, and I could genuinely feel her happiness from time to time.
There's no way I'll forget that promised scenery,
I'll create the road binding us to our future.
Wait, that's it! Maybe I can improve my lyrics with that! Imai Lisa, signing out~✩
•················•················•
Afternoon - CiRCLE's Cafeteria
The green-eyed gal took a deep breath, and walked over to Yukina. Lisa felt nervous and uneasy, where did the confidence from last night go? Still, she can't show that side of her in front of her crush.
"Lisa, what's wrong? You seem worried."
"Me? Worried? Ahaha~ You're wr-"
"Don't lie to me. I've known you since forever. I can tell by your actions; please stop biting your lip."
Her childhood friend gasped, and quickly laughed it off. She apologised, and she took out several sheets of crumpled paper. Yukina was intrigued, and when Lisa said that they were lyrics, the vocalist had a serious look on her face. She took the papers from Lisa and studied each line.
Lisa was sweating bullets alright. It felt like an eternity to her. She was scared; scared that she might disappoint Yukina again.
"... These are wonderful lyrics, Lisa. Good work, this is something that Roselia can sing on the day of the contest." Yukina looked up at her and smiled. It took a while for Lisa to process what she heard, and what Yukina was doing to her right now. God, she fucking loved her smile.
"W-What, really?! Let's show everyone then!!" Lisa snapped out of her trance. She took Yukina by the hand and dragged her to the studio.
Everyone else was amazed at Lisa’s love-filled lyrics. Well, everyone in Roselia was in love with someone. Though, it was a shame that the person who wrote it couldn’t love to the fullest.
Evening - On the way home
"When I read your lyrics, I remembered that scenery; our origin. So many things happened afterwards, I don't think we'll ever get to see it again."
"Yukina…"
"But as long the both of us don't forget about it, that scenery will always remain in our hearts."
"Yeah, let's keep on walking on that path. The path with white clovers and blue roses."
"We'll keep moving forward, even when we've performed in Future World Festival. That's why Lisa, please be my bassist, forever."
"O-Of course, what are you saying~? I'll definitely be with Yukina, to view the new scenery which Roselia will see."
How romantic of you, Yukina; it can't be real. It's probably just me overreacting as always. She can't fall for me, not when Sayo is.... deeply in love with Yukina.
•················•················•
Dear diary,
We're in the process of rearranging the setlist for the contest! I can't wait~ Sayo and I have been practising together, and she looks a little more... relaxed and happier than usual? I don't know what made her feel that way, but I'm really happy for Sayo✩
I saw Ako and Rinko snuggling up against each other at the lounge, they were talking about the contest and NFO. Honestly, I'm surprised that neither Yukina nor Sayo pointed them out yet. Ako seems quite worried, I'm not sure why. She would zone out whenever we took breaks. I hope she feels better soon!
Oh well, I guess I'll continue binge-watching the drama that got all of my girls hooked! Oh, to be in a relationship with a confident, beautiful, and rich businesswoman; everyone's dream.
•················•················•
Dear diary,
Tomorrow is the day where Roselia will participate in the contest to determine a very important thing; whether we'll perform in the Future World Festival, or not.
"When everything is over, what will happen to Roselia?"
Ako's words kept ringing in my ears. We reassured Ako that the five of us will keep walking together; that our journey is far from over. Sayo mentioned that the promise we've shared together will make us grow stronger and stronger too.
Somehow, it seems to be the opposite for me. I feel really weak at times. Physically? I feel drained every time I cry, and because of that, I'm starting to think that I can't see certain colours. Yukina's eyes don't seem to be same colour as they were eleven years ago. Mentally? Sometimes, I wish I wasn't this selfless. It's not like I haven't fought for my own feelings; it's just that Yukina won't ever reciprocate mine.
But when everything is over, I'd like to fight, one last time.
•················•················•
"At last, we're going to announce the winner of this contest. The winner will earn the right to participate in Future World Festival that will be held in March next year."
This is it, the moment of truth.
"The winner is, entry number 12; Roselia! Congratulations, please come to the stage!"
We looked at each other in disbelief. I was so happy that I dropped my phone and softly grabbed Yukina's face. I wanted to kiss her so badly... but I remembered that I shouldn't. Thankfully, Sayo didn't notice what I did. I let go of Yukina, and hugged her as tight as possible.
"W-We did it, Yukina…"
She returned my embrace, only for her to let out a gasp. I was confused, so I looked behind me and-
"OH MY GOD?!"
There was a stunned Sayo and two lovebirds sharing a soft and sweet kiss. The three of us couldn't really digest what was happening, even if I knew about their relationship. They stopped and smiled at each other, Rinko's forehead against Ako's; it felt like the world was only for them to conquer.
Sayo was the first one to break the silence, "E-Earth to Shirokane-san and Udagawa-san? We should go up the stage first, y-you two can continue that later."
… And they snapped out of it.
•················•················•
Dear diary,
It’s been four months since we won the contest. I still think that all this is just a fever dream, but the stars won't allow me to feel that way. Oh well, at least the colour of my bass isn't going anywhere~ I'm gonna kick tritanopia's ass everyday!
I forgot to write this down; I went to a doctor to get an official diagnosis for my colourblindness. Apparently, tritanopia is one of the rarest colour vision disturbances. I can't distinguish between yellow and blue. I miss her eyes.
Well, at least it's not total colour blindness. It's all because of my star tears that I'm like this. I thought love was colourful like a rainbow. It's not.
Anyway, we've been practising for the Future World Festival~ we're done with our setlist but Yukina really wants to add a new song. She said it'd be a step forward, it'd be something that nobody has listened to before.
•················•················•
"Choices."
The theme of our new song. Everyone had their own special choices that led up to this very moment. Me? It was all because of love. How pathetic romantic of me, haha~✩
The lyrics really do remind me of "LOUDER"; feels like a continuation of it too. “LOUDER” is the song that gave shape to everything Yukina was at that time, right? It’s basically the song that became the foundation of Roselia, when it was just created.
Because of this, we changed the setlist too! LOUDER, Neo-Aspect, and the new song. Though we still don't have a title for it yet.
The Future World Festival is soon, I promise to give it my all!♡
•················•················•
Evening - Future World Festival's dressing room
"Amazing… So this is how it feels like when you're about to stand on the stage you've been chasing for a long time. All of you are feeling the same, aren't you?" Lisa asked, while looking at her fellow bandmates- No, her best friends.
"That's true, I don't feel nervous at all. Instead, I feel mysteriously calm. Now that I think about it, Y- Minato-san and I created Roselia" , Sayo exclaimed. She continued, "Our problems were both caused by music--"
"But we also used music to solve our problems." Yukina broadly smiled at Sayo, who returned it with another heartwarming smile.
Maybe things are going well for them.
"You and Sayo are always moving forward together."
Everyone looked at Lisa, who was looking at her nails. She didn't want to look at them; not when she just changed the whole atmosphere.
"... It's time. Let's go."
Evening - Future World Festival's stage
"...."
"Everything alright, Yukina?"
"...."
"1! 2! 3!"
LOUDER started playing.
This is the scenery which my father has seen; the same scenery which we've been pursuing.
It was my choice to be Roselia's guitarist, and it was my choice to love my sound, my sister, Roselia, and her.
We've really made it… this is amazing! Yukina, don't you feel the same?
Neo-Aspect started playing.
I’ve finally found it; my coolest self! It's all thanks to Rinrin and Roselia~
If I'm together with Ako-chan and this sound, I can always go forward. That's why… I'll keep playing the keyboard forever and ever!
Song I Am started playing.
I love music, more than anyone else!
Night - Future World Festival's backstage
Lisa was on her way to the dressing room. Ako and Rinko were talking to Afterglow, but she couldn't find Yukina and Sayo. Maybe they were talking to Poppin' Party? She needed to group them up sooner or later. She opened the door, and she was greeted by something she should have never seen.
Yukina and Sayo, with their bodies pressed lightly against each other and their fingers intertwined. Sayo and Yukina, and their lips meeting softly, the room filled with their blissful sighs and praises.
Lisa trembled. She felt a constricting feeling around her throat; she was rendered speechless. She didn't really know what to feel.
"I-I-I'm s-so sorry for interrupting…!"
She closed the door shut, and ran, and ran. She didn't even care who saw. She tried not to care. She slammed into the bathroom door, and broke down. The sobs fought through, reverberating through the whole room. The stars kept pouring and pouring down her face. Her body was shaking as her calloused palms clasped onto the sink for support. She couldn't accept the reality she was facing.
Her makeup was smudged, and her eyeliner was all over the place. She looked like a mess, and she wanted to get out of there; but she couldn't. She needed to keep it all inside. That's what she always did. Kept it inside. Lisa collected the galaxies in her hands, and flushed all of them down. She wiped her makeup away, and washed her face. She needed to be strong and happy; no one wanted a sad Lisa, right?
Yukina came in and asked if she was doing fine. The heartbroken gal smiled, and reassured Sayo's girlfriend that she was doing great; like nothing even happened in the first place. Yukina apologized for not being able to tell her that they began dating a few months ago because Roselia was incredibly busy. She then expressed her gratitude towards her childhood best friend for bringing them together. Lisa embraced Yukina as if it was her last, and told her that she will keep supporting them forever.
"I love you Lisa, you're the best friend I've ever had in my whole life."
"I… love you too, Yukina. A-as a best friend too, of course!"
The silver-haired vocalist released herself from the hug and gave her the radiant smile Lisa always loved to see before leaving the bathroom. It's a shame those same lips kissed someone else. It's just too bad.
Lisa chuckled, as she sat leaning against the wall. She then realized, that her colourful world is forever gone.
•················•················•
Dear diary,
Five years have gone by so fast, and everyone I know is doing well:
- Ako is a literature student and a part-time drum instructor.
- Rinko is a growing fashion designer who streams games online.
- Sayo passed her bar exam and is now completing her one-year apprenticeship.
- Yukina is a well-known composer in Japan and she's just the same as always~
Me? I'm studying for my master's program in general psychology while being a part-time model for Himari's boutique! Roselia is still going strong as an underground band; we're still dedicated to doing what we love with the people we love!
… Love, huh?
It's thanks to love that I have achromatopsia. Total colour blindness sucks, and it's a daily reminder for me to not live and love anymore.
Why am I still in Roselia? I could've just cut all of my connections but NO, I'm stupid enough to overwork myself to exhaustion just to see her smile. That goddamned smile of hers never fails to make me cry smile.
Lately, I've been showing signs of memory loss. I remember that one time where I made Yukina everyone sad because I forgot to show up at Sayo's birthday party. From what they've posted on social media, they seemed fine without my presence though. Ha, I'm always unwanted. Maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I'm not.
I don't want to live anymore, but something in my mind keeps telling me otherwise. Something along the lines of:
"Maybe today I will live instead of just survive."
I need to stay strong. For who? Who knows!
[The rest of the entry is unintelligible and stained with star tears.]
｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆
Did you know?
You are the reason that I am alive today.
Don’t be lonely, and don’t get hurt ever again,
Live on like this, in my heart.
I remember the song we used to sing together,
Sitting across each other.