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the sun had long since set, but the blazes of gunfire and patriotic passion hadn’t dimmed in what felt like months. felix’s spirit, much like the red of his uniform he’d so proudly donned all those months ago, had begun to fade. the mud that caked his face nearly matched the hue of his shirt. in fact, everyday it became a little bit harder to tell his comrades’ once glorious uniforms apart from the dirt in which they lay - the dirt in which they were expected to die.
“felix, get down!” a body - covered in mud, much like felix’s own - came crashing into him, knocking him to the ground. felix dully registered an explosion somewhere near where he lay, but the brunt of his focus was aimed at the handsome young man who had tackled him. changbin’s dark hair was ruffled, possibly from colliding with the other young man, or maybe merely from the hardships of war. felix wasn’t sure he even wanted to know, but he was certainly grateful to see changbin’s familiar, comforting face.
“you can thank me later,” changbin gripped the ground with both hands, using it as leverage to stand up and square his shoulders. felix was still slightly dazed from both his fall and the sudden sudden sight, but he registered changbin reaching a hand down, an internationally recognized gesture. felix reached out his own hand, firmly gripping changbin’s, and was promptly pulled up. felix would never get used to changbin’s strength, especially when all his muscle was hidden under bulky military gear.
“or i can thank you now.” felix said, a smile on his face and fondness in his eyes. god, the times changbin had gotten lost in his eyes. “thanks for having my back, comrade.”
changbin had already began walking away, but stopped for a second. he turned his neck back to felix and smiled softly. “i’ve got your back, comrade, ‘til the very end.”
“‘til the very end,” felix mumbled back, missing the tenderness in changbin’s eyes. felix followed behind the darker haired man, attempting in vain to brush the dirt clinging to him off. a trail of dried, filthy dirt followed behind them, and a field of the same laid before them. the dark night sky merged effortlessly into the barren landscape of the motherland. felix couldn’t tell when battlefield ended and the great sky began.
“wouldn’t you rather be in the sky?” changbin spoke. felix wasn’t even sure changbin had known he was there before, but apparently he wasn’t as unobservant as felix had thought. felix pondered the obscure question for a beat, and then nodded from behind him, before finding it necessary to voice his answer.
“yeah, i would.” felix said, a hint of amusement in his tone. “i want to see the sun rise everyday, with a front row seat to the galaxy’s wonders.” changbin hummed in agreement.
“you make it sound so romantic,” changbin sighed, looking to his right. his gaze hardened, but his voice remained even. “you always make things sound romantic.”
felix wasn’t sure what changbin wanted him to say, so he didn’t say anything, which was strange in it of itself. felix always had something to say, but there was something in the air, a tender sort of tension, that felix feared any sound would shatter. he felt comfortable and safe in moments like this that just the two of them shared. it was with a fond smile that felix realized only changbin could make him feel safe in the middle of a bloody war.
“i’m tired of fighting, lix.” changbin wasn’t walking anymore. felix stopped right beside him, fixing his gaze where changbin had been looking. there were ashes. there were ashes and bones and blood and dirt. felix didn’t want to think of what life those bloody remains once held. he never wanted to.
“i am too, comrade.”
“do you think it will ever end?”
“the fighting? i think it will,” felix looked away from the ashes and towards changbin, finding the downtrodden man’s gaze already on him. “it has to. i have plans.”
“what plans do you have?” changbin was looking straight into felix’s eyes, straight into his soul. the corner of felix’s lips twitched.
“that depends on what you want to do, i guess.”
it was changbin’s turn to smile. something about felix always made his feet a little lighter. when he looked at the bright younger man, his decrepit uniform somehow felt new again. everything about him felt new and fresh, and changbin never wanted to leave that feeling. “i’ll go wherever you go, comrade. together ‘til the very end, yeah?”
felix reached out his hand and changbin gripped it firmly, matching smiles present on both of their faces. “‘til the very end.”
then the ground beneath them shook, and the shouts of their comrades in arms brought them back to reality. their grip on each other was lost, and their ready eyes were scanning in all directions. felix caught a glimpse of white in the distance, and then another glimpse, and he shouted for changbin to run.
they were foolish and distracted. they needed to return to their stations. this was a war, and war never slept.
changbin and felix began to sprint. the overlaying dark of the night provided them easy cover, but their steps were loud and their breaths were heavy. the smell of gunpowder and the fire of cannons mixed in the air, and they ran faster. a bullet whizzed by changbin’s ear and sparks burned the shoulder of felix’s coat, but they could see the red ditches. refuge was in sight.
then felix heard the galloping of horses. changbin risked a wild, terrified look in felix’s direction, and felix felt his eyes burn. maybe it was the dust, the fear, or the gunpowder, but felix knew wet tears were sliding down his face. they could’ve been quick enough to outrun an army of mere men, but they couldn’t do the same for an army of horses. at least, felix didn’t think he could.
adrenaline mixed with rage and terror, and felix and changbin ran even harder. they couldn’t feel their legs and the wind on their faces felt like sheets of pure ice.
they were a hundred yards away from the ditch and felix felt pressure against his back... and then in his stomach? this was war, this was war, he needed to run. so he ran. he ran and brushed his back ache to the back of his mind.
changbin had gotten ahead of felix. at first, just by a few feet, then by a few yards. felix tried running quicker, but his body wouldn’t respond. in fact, he seemed to be running even slower, and his breaths became even more labored. he felt like he was moving in slow motion. his vision had started to swim, but he was so close to the ditch. he was going to make it; he had no other choice.
felix was twenty yards away when he realized something was wrong. he couldn’t run and he couldn’t breathe. his feet caught on each other and it was with a stumbling step he went crashing to the ground for the second time that night. he fell face first into the mud, but he felt nothing. his entire body was numb. felix didn’t even register when two warm hands hauled him up and into an even warmer chest.
changbin had been mere feet from the ditch when he heard the thud. his two choices were leave the only man who brought him comfort and be safe, or risk death for the man who wakes up just to see the sun rise. he didn’t spare it a second thought and he ran back to felix, scooping the dirty man up. something wet was smeared across felix’s chest and back, but changbin didn’t dwell on it. mud was everywhere in the battlefield. however, that didn’t make it any easier to hold onto the slippery man.
changbin had managed it, though. he made it to the ditch with felix still in his arms and guns still blazing behind him. he felt like a sob of relief get caught in his throat as the familiar lantern and the pads on which he had sat came into view.
then he tripped.
changbin knew there was a lip before the ditch entrance. it had always been there, for as long as he could remember. and he could remember every second of this endless, bloody war. he had known that godforsaken lip was there, but still it had caused him to trip.
felix slid out of his arms and rolled down the side of the ditch, changbin tumbling after him. dirt got in changbin’s mouth and scrapes littered his body. he landed with a hard thud that knocked the breath out of him, but he forced himself up with a labored groan. he needed to put the lantern out. sucking in harsh, angry breaths, he put his bare hand over the open flame and bit his lip to stop his scream.
then everything was dark. a beat passed before changbin shoved his hand into a puddle of mud next to him and let silent tears slide down his face. he stayed like that for one thousand three hundred and sixteen seconds - he counted - until he couldn’t hear anything besides his and felix’s breathing.
“felix?”
“‘ngbin?” felix sounded pained, more so pained than changbin felt, and he had just stuck his hand into fire.
“are you okay?” changbin moved his unburned hand around in the dark, patting the ground in an attempt to find felix. a hand, much smaller than changbin’s own, loosely gripped changbin’s fingers.
“‘m not sure.”
changbin frowned, his head already imagining a million scenarios - none of which he liked. with a grunt he used his injured hand to pat around in search of something, this time matches instead of a man.
the small box rattled when changbin found it, and it was with much regret that changbin let go of felix’s hand to light a match and then light the lantern again. a warm glow surrounded the two men, and changbin breathed a sigh of relief. when he turned to see felix, though, the sigh got stuck in his throat.
felix - his felix - was laying in a pool of his own blood. both changbin and his stomach lurched at the sight. there was a gaping wound in felix’s stomach - his uniform was in smithereens and blood had turned his coat back red again. changbin scrambled over to his comrade and quickly stripped off his coat to act as a makeshift bandage. while he worked quickly to rap the cloth around felix’s torso, changbin’s knees were getting drenched with his comrade’s blood. changbin’s left hand went to applying pressure to felix’s bleeding stomach, and his right grabbed onto felix’s outstretched hand.
“i’m with you, comrade,” changbin gripped felix’s hand tighter, their fingers effortlessly sliding together. mud mixed with blood and tears as changin gently brought their intertwined hands to his lips. “i’m with you ‘til the very end,” he whispered into felix’s shaking skin.
felix laughed. it was dry and empty and a bit of blood dribbled down onto his chin, but it was honey to changbin’s ears. changbin marveled at how felix could be having the very essence of his life soaking the dirt beneath them and still laugh as melodically as he alway has. in the far distance, gunshots once again riddled the air, but right then, between the two of them, only fireworks existed.
it was with a shaky breath that felix raised his free hand to changbin’s face, cupping a dirty cheek and using his thumb to wipe it free of tears. “don’t cry, lyubov moya. this is not the end.”
changbin bowed his head as more tears made their way to his eyes, and felix used that as leverage to keep lowering his head, all the way down to felix’s awaiting lips. eyes closed and mouths opened and hearts broke. the kiss was sweet and slightly sweaty, but also desperate, as though they knew it was the last moment they’d share. because they did, and because it was.
felix drew away after what felt like both a second and an eternity, and hitched out a broken breath. changbin’s eyes stayed closed, his forehead pressed against that of his new lover. he felt the wind of felix’s breath against his cheek, and then nothing. a second went by, and then a minute, and changbin still felt nothing. that is, nothing but gut-wrenching sorrow.
changbin’s chest rattled with a vicious sob, his shoulders shaking in tandem. his vision was blurred with moisture and his heart was wrought with despair. with two fingers he closed felix’s glazed eyes and laid his hands on his lover’s cold chest - the chest in which a heart had once beat for him.
changbin stayed like that all night, just him and the life he could have had, the love that was almost his. the blood dried on his hands and the sky got lighter, but he didn’t care. he stayed there, unmoving. the war would go on, the sky would show the passing of time, but he was with felix ‘til the very end.
the sun rose on the great divided land of russia once again, illuminating the blood-soaked earth where felix and changbin had spent their first - and only - moment as lovers.
“goodbye, solnyshko,” changbin whispered, but it was only to the wind and the sky and the sun that felix never saw rise again.