Chapter Text
I don't think I have ever or will ever fathom the idea of love. With words of endearment also come words slick with venom. It's so easy to love but hard at the same time. It's fun if you can avoid all of its curses. Somehow, Bokuto makes it more simpler than that. He's an easy person to love. No where near hard. Sure, couples go through fights and issues. But those are not to be romanticized. Fights strike at the couples bridge and test their weakness. If they are worth fighting for. How strong they are together. You get the point.
I believe Bokuto and I came out of our "problems" stronger than we went into it. And I believe the vulnerability we show to each other is only making us stronger. When I was younger, I dreamed of having a relationship like my parents did. It was so obvious they were in love. You did not have to even be there to watch them slow dance in the kitchen at midnight or witness them cuddling on the couch early in the morning with a newspaper in my father's hands. If you were there to see one glance made towards the other, you would know.
That is why the last words I have ever heard from my mother are so important to me. For me, they are the embodiment of love. They are my purpose and my will. They are all I truly have left. Sure, I have picture books and my dad's old guitars. But her words are irreplaceable. Even though they were spoken years ago, they're freshly bruised in my heart. And nothing will ever change that.
I plan to love Bokuto with all I have. We fell in love too quickly. Some may say too fast. But love is inevitable. Time means nothing to the heart. The same goes to all my friends and family. I love them dearly.
But... I also plan to love myself. Until it is impossible to love oneself more. It wasn't that years were wasted by guilt and self-blame. It was that they were missed. Stolen, even.
My mother's dying words were not meant to direct me into a relationship I deserve or help me find love. The purpose of her words were to help me love myself. To end the self-blame and hatred. To find who I am after years of being lost. To allow myself to be loved by those around me and accept my mistakes. To stop the intrusive thoughts that want to see me fall.
The past few years were like they came out of a movie. Intense, heartbreaking, painful, deceiving, complicated, lovely, awakening. Perhaps ineffable. There is no one word, or even a bunch, that could describe the past few months. Or, life in general. The only way to describe one's life is starting with themself. Because a person makes up what they want their life to be and what they want to fulfill.
But it all was not about Bokuto and I's relationship and falling in love. To put it simply, the time passed was about me. My progression to now and infinity. Overcoming the tribulations that followed me from high school. The ongoing battles I have and will still face. And my journey to loving myself.
So as I work on accepting the past and myself, I hope to stay true to my mother's last words. And I hope everyone does. My friends. My family. Bokuto.
As she said...
~~ Years Earlier ~~
“Keiji! Could you be more excited for me?” Oikawa whined, dragging Akaashi into the Crows Cafe. It was a small little area with a few round tables and colored walls painted with the communities art work. There were mobile-like-structures hanging from the ceilings, made of origami cranes and crows. The artsy cafe was mostly empty, beside Oikawa and Akaashi themselves and a mother with her two kids.
“Maybe if you stopped with that obnoxious voice then sure, I would be excited for you sleeping with another random guy.” Akaashi stated with the biggest amount of sarcasm possible. He watched his friend send a look his way, disapproving of his comment.
Oikawa Tooru was one of Akaashi's closest friends. Since middle school, the two have been inseparable. They met at the sign-up sheet for the schools talent show. Oikawa entered with plans to do a one-man show, knowing his cuteness and confidence in front of an audience would bode well to his success. Akaashi thought the idea was ridiculous, but Oikawa confirmed it would be effective. He was not wrong at all. The audience praised him and thought he was extremely adorable. Akaashi on the other hand did not have the same intentions for the talent show. He was performing “Love Theme from St. Elmo’s Fire” by David Foster, a song he mastered in the third grade. He was performing right after Oikawa stood on stage consuming the praise. As they passed each other on the stage, Oikawa sent him a smile and a thumbs up. During his own performance, Akaashi glanced away from the keys to see Oikawa standing backstage memorized. It was in that moment that Oikawa devoted himself to Akaashi and his talent.
“Are you jealous Keiji? I told you numerous times if you ever have a desire for THE Oikawa Tooru, I’ll be waiting.”
Akaashi scoffed at how ridiculous his best friend sounded. “In your dreams.” He glanced up at the cafe's chalkboard menu that was bolted into the wall.
“That's a dream I would love to come true.” Oikawa playfully said while swinging an arm around his friend's shoulders.
Oikawa has always been a flirt since middle school. Nothing has changed because he was never really big on settling in a relationship. He prefered one night stands, and casual hook ups over dating someone. Akaashi never encouraged his behavior, but would never tell him to settle down either because he knew the reason Tooru acted like this. And he could never hold such trauma against him.
Keiji was 22 and Oikawa was 23, a year older than him. Oikawa graduated school a year earlier, which left Akaashi alone. He was not an extravert, so he would never go out of his way to greet someone and become closer. More like, he couldn't. His whole third year was spent mostly alone. No actual close friends, and no family.
His parents passed away during his winter break in his second year. They were on their way home from a business Christmas party and got caught in extremely bad weather. Akaashi was on the phone with his parents during their departure, ushering them to come home for the silliest reasons. It was December 24, Christmas Eve. He wanted them to make it home in time, before the clock hit 12 am and it was Christmas. He stayed home with his aunt who was visiting them for the month. Excitement was running through his body at the time as he awaited for them to come home. Yet the excitement was long gone when he watched the clock turn twelve.
The memory was still crystal water to Akaashi. It could never fade, no matter how hard he wanted it to. The screaming and sobs coming from his aunt, who was right beside him. His motionless body sitting at the kitchen table watching the clock on the stove. With every minute that passed by, Akaashi became more and more hopeless. He wanted it all to be some sick and twisted dream. He wanted to wake up on Christmas morning to his mothers cooking. He wanted to run downstairs and be engulfed in a hug by his father who still believed he could beat Akaashi at basketball. He wanted to play the endless Christmas games and take the silliest pictures with their dog, Ace. He wanted to sit by the fire and watch holiday movies. More than anything, he wanted to play the piano one more time for them.
"I'll just do a vanilla iced coffee." Akaashi's voice came out shaky, his mind consumed by the life he once had. He offered a smile to the lady behind the counter and took out his wallet, handing his card over to pay for Oikawa and himself.
"How many times do I have to remind you to stop paying for me?"
"How many times do I have to remind you to shut up for once?" He snapped back, sending a smirk to Oikawa as he glanced up at him. "You talk so much."
"It's 'cause I know you have a thing for my voice, baby." Oikawa winked at him, making Akaashi fake gag at the gesture. The tall brunette laughed and went to the other side of the counter to receive their drinks.
The small little golden bell on the door of the cafe rung. Naturally, Akaashi looked over to see his other friend Sugawara enter with his boyfriend Daichi. Suga immediately saw Akaashi and waved while walking over with his boyfriend. His silver hair bounced as he walked with a little more pep in his step after seeing them. His smile was bright and charming as usual and his voice was basically a gorgeous harmony.
"Good morning, Akaashi! You and Oikawa are still coming with us later right?" Suga asked while smiling. The small group was planning on going to a concert club sort of gathering later. Keiji refused the idea at first, but Oikawa did not hesitate to persuade him. He reminded Akaashi of the multiple excuses he used just last week of why he could not go out. Keiji had turned red at the confrontation, knowing he was running out of reasons of why he could not go out. In all honesty, he just did not want to go. Being surrounded by music terrified Akaashi. He did not want to repeat any kind of tragedy that happened in his second year of high school.
"Yeah. We'll be there." Akaashi replied, reaching for his iced coffee as Oikawa came over.
"Daichi! You look fit as ever!" Oikawa exclaimed, taking a sip of his coffee. "That shirt fits you nicely."
Daichi wasn't as ethereal as his boyfriend was. He had a much larger and built body. His features were darker and his skin was tanner. Although they were polar opposites in many aspects, they complimented each other well.
"Oikawa. You look hungover as ever. Stayed out late again?" Suga intruded, not giving Daichi a moment to speak as he leaned into his boyfriend's arms.
"Koushi, sweetheart, you know me too well. Except I actually didn't come back until this morning."
Akaashi and Oikawa knew Suga in high school. The three of them became friends when Akaashi finally entered his first year in high school. Their bond was strong and ever since then, it only grew stronger. Suga knew about Akaashi's parents just like Oikawa. The two of them took on such a strong role for Akaashi, being his support and family.
"Not surprising." Daichi laughed. "Did you leave a courtesy gift this time?"
The group met Daichi when they went out for drinks. He was the bartender at the place they went to. Keeping the story short, Suga could never hold his alcohol well. After 5 drinks of who even knows what, Koushi was leaning the top half of his body over the bar counter while sending multiple (and horrible) pick up lines to Daichi. Surprisingly, Daichi found it adorable. After an exchange of numbers and a few dates, the two got together.
"If you are referring to a blowjob, you are correct Sawamura."
Akaashi gagged again before nudging Oikawa in the ribs with his elbow. "We have to head to work or we'll be late. See you guys later tonight." He sent a wave their way and headed outside, followed by Oikawa.
The two worked together in every job they had. Three to be specific. They worked at an ice cream shop, as delivery boys, and today were headed to the music shop. Despite not wanting to let his life become swallowed by music again, Akaashi agreed because of Oikawa. This shop was owned by Tooru's mother, who gave them both a job there. Surprisingly over the years working there, Keiji was fine. And even when Tooru played the guitar during their breaks, he was still fine. After all, Akaashi could only listen to Oikawa play music without panicking or feeling disgusted with himself. It kept him calm and it also made it easier for them to live together. Because Oikawa played the violin and guitar. He had his instruments around their apartment that Akaashi was bound to run into. Tooru spent years getting Akaashi more comfortable with music again and easing his mind when he played the guitar for him. As much as he really wanted to see his friend play again, Oikawa knew that would take a lot more time. Maybe never. Akaashi avoided music to the best of his ability. Anything that reminded him of his parents was ignored. And music was the one thing that held the strong bond between him and his parents. So if it meant abandoning his talent and love for music to forget his parents and the void, he would do it. He did do it.
At work, Keiji slid behind the counter in the shop while watching Oikawa help a lady and her daughter. They were looking for a ukulele-- specifically pink with glitter and cupcakes-- that she could get as a birthday present. After finding one relatively close to her description, Oikawa helped tune it and teach her the basics. He kindly played "Happy Birthday" while softly signing to her. The little girl flushed from the attention-- and possibly embarrassment-- and stomped on his foot when his mother wasn't looking.
"Kids hate you." Akaashi finally released his suppressed laughter when the customers left. He snorted and quickly slapped a hand over his mouth.
Tooru slumped his shoulders as he walked up the stairs to the second level. "I don't understand! I'm so cool!"
The door of the shop opened a little while later and two guys came in. The one on the left was shorter compared to the other one. He had dark brown hair, with highlights of blond peaking up in the front and also falling over his forehead. Despite his height, he had a fairly muscular build to him. He wore a white t shirt, with black jeans and a dark jacket over. His shirt was tucked in on the front, accompanied by a belt that matched the highlights in his hair. He wore multiple strapped bracelets on his wrist that brought out the inked tattoos on his fingers. But what really-- really, really-- caught Akaashi's attention was the guy next to him.
The taller boy moved over to the guitars hanging on the wall. His back was turned to Akaashi. The back of his black t shirt had "Aerosmith" written in bold red letters above a group picture of the band. The graphic design popped with blue, red and yellow. Below the picture, said "Let. Rock. Rule." in a grey coloring. The tight shirt brought out the guys muscular build. His toned arms were visible to Keiji's view-- he was drooling-- and he watched as the boy pointed to the black Epiphone guitar on the wall, talking to the shorter one. One of his most evident features was his hair. His black and white streaks were pulled upwards while defying gravity. It was almost ridiculous to look at. The sections pulled up resembled... an owl?? But somehow, just somehow it matched him well. He seemed tall, maybe a few inches taller than Akaashi himself.
While lost in thought-- really daydreaming about his arms-- Keiji missed the first call of attention. The tall owl guy dude person with huge arms and a--- wow-- hot face was looking at him.
"Excuse me. Any chance we can test this out?" He asked politely with a kind smile. His voice was deeper than expected, and Keiji sensed a bit of excitement and energy in his tone. Akaashi glanced-- and glared-- upwards to where Tooru was smirking at him from the upper level. Keiji flipped him off secretly before circling around the counter.
"Sure thing." He grabbed the step stool in the corner of the store and placed it below the guitar on the wall. He stepped up, carefully taking the delicate instrument off the wall, and handed it to the boy as he was stepping down. "There are amps in the studios in the back of the store if you want to hook it up." Akaashi offered and moved the stool back to the corner.
"Could we use one?" The smaller boy asked, practically jumping up and down.
Akaashi nodded. "Yeah. I'll unlock one for you." And he led them to the studios in the back of the store. Out of courtesy, he tuned the guitar for them and even adjusted the amp dials and strummed once against the strings.
"You play?" The taller one asked as he was handed back the guitar. Answer: He did play, he just haven't in a few years. But they didn't need to know that so Akaashi just nodded in response.
"Dude! Play for us!" The smaller one smiled, and sat down on the floor looking up at him. It was as if he was a kindergartener in circle time. The excitement and energy on his face was a little overwhelming for Akaashi.
"I uhh--- no thanks." He murmured pathetically while keeping a serious look on his face. Keiji noticed the way the guy on the ground looked ready to push more but thankfully he was interrupted.
"No worries. Noya here is just excited. He's been wanting to play bass since forever, and I feel like the Epiphone is more his style."
Akaashi's lips parted on instinct. "Bass? Well, the Epiphone Les Paul is more of a complicated guitar. Not exactly suitable for beginners. If he is a beginner on the guitar, then I recommend a Stratocaster. Easy control, its well-made, and much cheaper than a Epiphone."
"You know your stuff, huh?" The hot guy asked, a smile creeping on his face.
"I sure hope I do. I work at a music shop after all." Akaashi's palms were growing sweaty while he picked at the skin of his hands behind his back. "If you need anything, I'll be at the counter." With that, he walked out of the studio and made his way back to the counter. Oikawa was cleaning out some boxes in the storage closet. Once he saw Akaashi return, he smiled.
"Those two were so cute." Oikawa stated while carrying over a box.
"Who?"
"Don't act dumb. The boys you took to the studio. They. Are. Hot." Oikawa had come out to Akaashi as bisexual when they entered high school. With no judgement, Akaashi of course accepted him. He never saw a problem with liking the same gender. He himself did, but just never saw a reason to put a label on it. It was his personal preference.
Akaashi shrugged and started re-organizing the drum sticks to the left of the counter, even though they didn't need it.
"My little Keiji-kun. When are you going to realize it's okay to think someone is attractive?"
"it's not like I don't admit it." Akaashi said in defense.
"You always get awkward when we talk about relationships and dating." Oikawa looked through the box, taking out a couple sound pedals. Akaashi just sighed in response, not bothering to defend himself. It was true, he did get awkward talking about it. Maybe cause he never believed he could find someone for himself. Not after his ex and what went down between them. And his parents were the embodiment of being in love and were completely inseparable, but look what happened to them. Akaashi did not want to deal with heartbreak and problems again. He didn't need it.
He moved a few of the drum sticks based off of their size while he listened to the faint music from the studio. The studios were covered with soundproof walls, so the noise wasn't clear. He tried to make out the song but couldn't. Besides, a few moments later the boys came out of the studio.
"Find everything you need?" Oikawa jumped to ask the question while flashing his signature smile.
"Yeah. I think I'm gonna get this one. We'll have to come back for Noya and find something more suitable for his level... like a Stratocaster." The tall one smiled at Akaashi as he finished his sentence.
"Yeah, come back anytime! We have plenty of those. Akaashi will run you up at the counter." Oikawa smiled and obviously kept glancing over in Keiji's direction.
"You want a case for it?" Akaashi asked him while narrowing his eyes at his best friend.
"Yeah sure. I'll just do a Gig Bag. I have a case already."
"So you play then?" Akaashi asked, trying his best to make conversation, while grabbing a gig bag for him and carefully placing the guitar in the bag. He then ran up the total in the register.
"Yeah. So does Noya. We're in a band together." He responded while taking out a card and handing it to Akaashi.
"Pretty cool." He nodded and swiped his card, then giving it back to him.
"Mhm. So... names Akaashi? Akaashi what?" The boy smiled at him, putting his card away.
Keiji's brows furrowed at the sudden question. "Why does it matter to you?" While he heard Oikawa squawk in disapproval, Keiji leaned his one hip against the counter and handed him his receipt.
Surprisingly, the hot guy just smiled. "Im Bokuto Koutarou. And I find you interesting." Blush formed underneath his eyes and around his neck, making Akaashi wonder if he was a full body blusher. Not that he-- uhhh-- was thinking about that.
Tooru had snorted, covering his mouth not to laugh at the lame attempt of flirting and Akaashi's embarrassment. Besides, who calls someone interesting without even knowing them? Akaashi was not exactly an expert anymore when it came to flirting so he wasn't sure if that's what this guy was trying to do. But from the embarrassed flush on Bokuto's face, he assumed it was.
"There's nothing interesting about me." Now that they were up close, Akaashi took a moment to look at him. The boy had high arcs of his eyebrows that complimented the color in his hair. His eyes were like stars. Bright. Golden. Mesmerizing. Now, Akaashi could definitely tell he was a few inches taller than himself. Bokuto had broad shoulders and a large chest. His defined jawline was evident as he stared down at Akaashi. His face was perfectly sculpted, bones dramatically prominent. Almost like a Greek God.
"I doubt that's true." He responded while taking the guitar bag. "I'll see you around Akaashi." Bokuto smiled and walked out their store with Noya following close behind.
Akaashi turned to see Oikawa staring at him while smirking. "What?"
"You're blushing."
"Fuck off."
-
More than anything, Akaashi wanted to go to bed and sleep. So you can imagine the dread he was feeling when he walked into some club with his three friends. The music was suffocatingly loud and the lights were blinding as they flashed quickly. It was hot and sticky inside with bodies dancing up against one another. It smelt like weed and alcohol, both things he wasn't crazy about. The air was thick of an environment Keiji was not used to and quite frankly, he did not want to get used to it.
"I see so many cute guys." Oikawa had already told them he was going to look for a guy to hook up with in the club's bathroom.
"Before you go scouting, let's all take a drink together." Daichi said, making his way to the bar while holding Suga's hand. Oikawa placed both his hands on Akaashi's shoulders, standing behind him, and guiding him to the bar. Keiji took a long deep breath as he followed his friends, constantly glancing around to the club floor and the empty stage.
There were four shots placed in front of them with a bright neon blue liquid filling three quarters of the glass. Akaashi could smell a lingering zest of lime, raspberry and strong vodka.
"To our attractiveness!" Oikawa put his glass up and they cheered, not even fazed by his antics anymore. Akaashi let out a laugh and took the shot with no hesitation. The liquor stung the back of his throat while the aftertaste left a sizzling sensation on his tongue.
"How gross!" Suga coughed and made a foul face. Daichi laughed and placed a kiss on his cheek.
"Public display of affection. Now that is gross." Oikawa stated, placing his empty shot glass on the counter.
Daichi snorted. "Says the guy who has no problem practically swallowing another person whole no matter where you are."
"Is that jealousy, Daichi?" Oikawa purred as he leaned forward. "Is Suga leaving you deprived? I can help you out if you need it."
Suga did not even bother to cook up a witty response. Instead, he took Daichi's hand and lef him to the dance floor. He purposefully hooked his arms around Daichi's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. A hot and heavy one filled with desire to get Oikawa to shut up for once.
The brunette just laughed. "Lets dance, Keiji." He reached for Akaashi's hand and pulled him along as well.
But Keiji was frozen while everyone around him was dancing to the club music. He hasn't danced to music in years. He forgot the feeling of letting go and letting the music control his body. To feel nothing but euphoria. It was a stranger to him.
Tooru was different. He could easily sway his hips and drag his hands over his body as if the music was making him. He let his eyes close and his head tilt back as his ears flooded with the club music. He made it look so easy. So simple. And Akaashi wanted that again. But how could he?
"I won't force you to dance Keiji." Oikawa's eyes softened when he saw his friend looking uncomfortable and out of place. "Want to go back to the bar?"
"I'll go." Akaashi swallowed the thick lump in his throat, desperately in need of water. "You stay here and find a cute boy." He offered a smile and went back to the bar and sat down. He watched his friends dance. He watched how Daichi pulled his boyfriend close, as Suga ran his hands down Daichi's chest. His eyes moved to Oikawa who had his hands in the air, letting the music control his movements and body. He watched as he danced close to the people around him, no one seeming to care. Akaashi wishes he didn't care. He wishes he didn't hold back anymore. He was tired of living every day the same. Yet no matter how hard he tried, it was impossible to overcome. All the guilt and pain... it was there to stay.
His eyes shifted to the sudden presence next to him. An orange haired boy sat down on the stool beside Akaashi and asked the bartender for a drink. The guy had young features but clearly he wasn't since the bartender did not card him. You had to be 21 to enter the club anyways. The boy sensed eyes on him and looked at Akaashi. He gave him a soft and welcoming smile when he saw Akaashi's embarrassment from being caught staring.
"Hey. Im Hinata." He introduced himself, and reached his hand out as a greeting. "Shoyo."
"Akaashi." He replied, and shook his hand. The boy never questioned or dug further for the rest of his name and Akaashi greatly appreciated that.
"Not so much of a partier, Akaashi?" He asked.
Akaashi shook his head in response.
"That's a shame! I for one know how to party." He smiled and thanked the bartender for the drink.
"Oh really?" Akaashi asked, slightly amused. Hinata seemed chaotic. His wild orange hair, and big brown eyes complimented his slim build and short height. His voice was layered with pure and natural enthusiasm.
Hinata leaned forward with excitement. "Yes! Especially tonight! My friends are performing in a few minutes! Their performances always make me go bwah!"
"Bwah?" Akaashi asked, confused on if that was even a word.
"Yes! Bwah! You know like... bwah!" Hinata clearly understood himself as he threw his hands in the air as a wild gesture.
"Sure." Akaashi offered a laugh. Before Hinata could respond, a presence walked up to the two. He was tall, but looked slightly shorter than Akaashi. He had short dark hair that was spiked upwards. His dark eyes sparked with a hint of emerald green. His serious expression caused Hinata to make an "o" shape with his lips as if he understood.
"Time already Iwaizumi?" Hinata jumped out of the stool and grabbed the drink.
"Yeah." Iwaizumi responded, crossing his arms which flexed the muscles in his biceps. He had a whole inked sleeve on his right arm of music related graphics.
Hinata turned to Akaashi and smiled. "My friends are great. So party to their songs for them, okay? Even if you don't, the music will pull you in." With that, Hinata left the bar with Iwa and disappeared somewhere Akaashi could not see.
Party, huh?
He wouldn't party. Or let the music control him. He hasn't felt that feeling in years. Tonight wouldn't be that night.
Akaashi ordered a beer for himself, ready to settle in at the bar for the rest of the night. He noticed the club lights were shining on the stage, displaying a bold red. There was a black drum set, a keyboard and microphone awaiting the group that was going to perform.
As he thanked the bartender for his drink, the club erupted into cheering and loud roars. Keiji took a small sip while a glimpse of the black Epiphone guitar he sold earlier today passed on stage. And of course, it was around the neck of the hot guy, Bokuto, while he walked onto stage.