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I can’t do this. I cant.
I feel sick. My hands are shaking, my heart is pounding and I feel sick. So nauseous and unsteady and I can’t make it stop. The tears are on the verge of pouring down my face, and the sobs are stuck deep in my throat, causing me to choke and sputter as I try to breath. I just want it to stop. Why is it so hard. Why is it so hard to just exist in this world. Why does it feel so impossible to ask for help, to get better, to BE better? I can’t even imagine anymore, what it's like to feel normal, to feel happy. They try to help. The ones that know about it that is. And the number of those who know are few. But they try. It's just never enough. It's never enough to make the trembling stop. It’s never enough to stop the overwhelming fear of the known, and worse still, the fear of what I already do know. I just don’t understand? I can’t even do anything anymore. Just leaving my bed is scary now. Just opening the door has my heart beating like crazy. Just taking a few steps makes me feels exhausted. What do I do? I know I should talk to someone about it again. I know I should, because its getting worse and worse with each passing day. I know I should. But how do I do that? Talking to people in any format scares me the most I think. I sweat and feel like throwing up every time my phone rings. I need someone to help. I need them to know but they can’t.
They can’t know. I’m stuck. I’m trapped in this sick, dark, tormenting limbo. I’m in a deep pit with no ladder, or rope, or shovel, or helping hand to get me to the top. I just can’t anymore. I can’t. But I know I have to. There are reminders everywhere that there are people that can help. It's supposed to be easy. I just have to say something to someone. Anyone really. But I can’t… Because I don’t want them to know either. I don’t want my family to know. I don’t want my friends to know. Because what will they think? Will they hate me? Or pity me? I’m not sure which is worse. Or will they feel guilty? For not noticing that there was something wrong? That there has been something wrong for a long time. Years even. I don’t think I can do that to them. I can’t drag them into this dark place with me. I never want to show them what limbo is like for me. I don’t want them here with me. I just want their help to get out, to make it all stop.
I’m crying again, and I have no idea why. Theres no reason. Or maybe it's the lack of sleep? I can’t these days, sleep I mean. My mind just won’t turn off. It runs every possible worst case scenario that may happen tomorrow. It takes me down every memory lane that’s painful and unforgiving. It makes me feel cold and lonely and wanting someone to hold me, whilst simultaneously hating the very idea of someone being near me.Just make it stop. Help me to make it stop. I just want to feel normal again, before I forget what being normal, being happy, even feels like.
But I stay like this. I stay like this for hours, wallowing in my pain and fear and loneliness. It's tiring. Despite laying in bed, doing absolutely nothing, I feel a tiredness deep in my bones and in my mind. I can't remember when I woke up, I can't remember how long I've been trapped in my own personal limbo. And maybe it's better that way, maybe I can drift into nothingness, into oblivion. Maybe that would be easier than dealing with this crushing weight on my chest. Maybe then I'll be able to breath.
"Yoonie. Yoonie, honey, how long have you been like this?"
I can feel his hand. His large warm hand touch my back. And for a moment I imagine it spreading. I imagine that the warmth is my own, that it feels up this cold emptiness inside and makes me whole again. If only that could happen. If only it were that easy. The bed dips, and the warmth spreads as his arms wrap around me and pull me closer, into his chest.
"Jagi, I'm sorry. I should've checked on you sooner love. I'm here now" His arms curl around tighter. It's almost suffocating. But it's nice. It's better than the empty feeling from before. "You take as long as you need, I'm right here. I'll be right here"
The shaking, the trembling, slows. But the feeling in my throat becomes stronger, and I can't hold it back. I'm sobbing. I'm sobbing so hard that my body can't cope. I curl in on myself, hands twisted in his shirt. It hurts. Its overwhelming to feel so much for no reason at all. But he's here. I'm in his arms and his warmth chases away the dark. He makes it better. And I don't have to tell him. I don't have to say a word, he just know. He knows how it hurts, and how my stomach churns, and how the pressure in my head and in my heart just needs to be let out, needs to be noticed. He knows, and that's all I wanted. Thats all I need.
"Jin... Hyung. Jinnie" I can only say his name. Just his name. My words aren't working, my mind isn't sending all of the words I need to my mouth but-
"I'm here. And I'm going to hold you until you're feeling a bit better. "
He knows.
"I'm here Jagi."
He always knows.
"I love you Yoonie. I love yo so much."
He reaches into that dark pit. He invades the murky limbo....
"I love you too Jinnie"
... And he drags me straight out of it.