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The nightmares were nothing new. What was new was this recent way of dealing with them. Anxiety couldn’t remember how it happened, having been in the middle of a panic attack, but it’d become a habit.
Now, whenever he had a nightmare that wouldn’t let him sleep, he’d sneak into Roman’s room where the prince’s usually annoying boisterousness was somehow transformed into an effective nightmare repellent. Anxiety would crawl into Roman’s bed and Roman would throw an arm around him. Then Anxiety would find the rare blissful sleep that had eluded him most of his life.
Tonight was the same. Anxiety snuck into the prince’s room and carefully climbed underneath the covers. He always tried not to wake him, but Roman’s instincts were honed like a knife.
“Need protection from your demons again, All American Regret?” Roman yawned.
Anxiety sniffed, “It’s not my fault they can’t seem to conjure themselves up in the presence of your massive ego.”
Roman was apparently too tired to rise to the bait tonight so instead he gave another theatrical yawn and threw an arm around Anxiety’s waist, pulling him close so Anxiety’s back was flush against Roman’s chest. The move always pushed the breath out of Anxiety’s lungs and unsurprisingly caused him a rush of anxiety because he couldn’t help thinking that there would come a day when Roman wouldn’t be so comfortable with this arrangement.
Their 21st birthday was coming up and the names of their soulmates would appear on their bodies. Anxiety was sure that Roman wouldn’t want to continue this nightly ritual when he had someone else to cuddle at night.
“Stop thinking, Gerard Wayward.” Roman’s voice cut through Anxiety’s thoughts and surprisingly, it did sort of help to be ordered around sometimes. So instead of thinking about the inevitable end of this, he let himself get distracted by Roman’s breathing, by his scent, by the warmth of Roman’s breath on the back of his neck. He was distracted enough that his brain stopped spinning just enough to let him drift off to much-needed sleep.
Anxiety was very much not looking forward to their 21st birthday. And there were a million reasons why. What if his soulmate was someone he hated? What if it was someone he didn’t even know and then had to spend so much energy meeting people? What if it was someone he didn’t know and that meant he’d have to make a good first impression on everyone from now on? And the truth he wanted to run from the most: what if it was anyone but Roman?
It was something he tried hard not to think about because the implications made him panic. But running away from the facts only worked for so long. Eventually things always caught up.
So Anxiety’s thoughts whirled and swirled until the big day.
The dreaded day upon them, Anxiety waited to be summoned, trying his best to not let his spiralling thoughts interrupt Thomas’ excitement. But this time, everything just hurt. Like a stabbing sensation throughout his whole body. Of the thousands of things he had worried about, probably the least likely (at least in Logan’s well-informed opinion) had been that he didn’t even have a soulmate. But apparently that was the case. And he couldn’t let his resounding disappointment affect the others.
When Thomas summoned them all to talk excitedly about his future love’s name, Anxiety held his breath and obeyed.
‘Patton’ had appeared on Logan’s clavicle and ‘Logan’ had appeared on Patton’s wrist. Patton had been overjoyed while Logan pretended he was indifferent but they could all tell he was thrilled as well. But nothing at all had appeared on Anxiety. He had looked everywhere, but there was nothing.
“Roman’s is someone we don’t know!” Patton exclaimed gleefully, “Isn’t that exciting?”
At the very least, Anxiety would hopefully have a bit more time with Roman before he met this mystery person and told Anxiety to take a hike.
The others had of course asked about his. “Don’t have one,” Anxiety said, trying to keep his voice as chill as possible.
“What? That’s not right-” Patton started but Anxiety cut him off.
“Guess I’m perfect on my own.”
Patton gave him a look, but Logan shook his head and he remained silent.
“Have you looked everywhere?” Roman suggested.
Anxiety rolled his eyes, “I’m pretty sure I would have found it by now if it existed.”
Roman looked troubled, but thankfully didn’t push the issue further.
Thomas and Logan made some very good points during their discussion about the implications of not having a soulmate and being the pawn of some unknown force. Anxiety pretended to heed their words. But at the end of the day, he couldn’t feel better because Roman was going to eventually find his destined lover and Anixety was going to spend the rest of their lives alone.
Anxiety couldn’t sleep again.
This time, his ‘fix’ seemed out of reach. It made him even more anxious to think about going all the way to Roman’s room just to be turned away because Roman needed to keep his space open for his future love.
But on day three of not being able to sleep, Anxiety felt devolved. He snarled at Logan for no reason, made a rude comment that hurt Patton’s feelings, and lashed out at Roman whenever possible. It was stupid to think that the other’s wouldn’t notice, but Anxiety couldn’t pretend to be surprised when Roman showed up in his room.
Anxiety expected a fight, but was surprised when Roman just crossed his arms and said, “You haven’t been sleeping.”
Anxiety rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed at the prince’s very presence, “Yeah? So?”
“So you haven’t come to me for help.”
“I don’t need your help,” Anxiety spat. Wasn’t that the whole point of not having a soulmate? That he didn’t need anyone?
If things were normal, Roman would get haughty and pissy and they’d argue. But things weren’t normal because Roman looked hurt instead of angry. “Okay,” he said softly before leaving the room.
Anxiety stared at the spot Roman had been long after he was gone.
Anxiety was kept awake by thoughts. But this time he had more to panic about because if the expression on Roman’s face was anything to go on, his attitude was going to isolate him for good. He’d lose all his friends if he kept this up.
He didn’t want to go to Roman. He didn’t want to ask for help. But with the alternative being having no love and no friends… well, the answer was fairly obvious.
He found his way to Roman’s room but stood resolutely outside of it. What was he going to say? What if Roman told him to fuck off? What if their friendship was already ruined because of the way Anxiety acted? He paced and paced and almost decided to go back to his room when Roman’s door opened.
Anxiety jumped. Mortified at being caught lurking outside.
“Oh. Finally,” Roman said and pulled Anxiety into the room by the arm.
Anxiety was beyond relieved that Roman didn’t ask for an explanation and just pulled him under the covers.
He relaxed into Roman’s embrace as the prince pulled him flush with his body. Anxiety tried his best not to think about how this was temporary. He was a stand-in for whoever would come blowing into Roman’s life someday. Anxiety squeezed his eyes tight. He was starting to think that this arrangement wasn’t going to work for him anymore either. He was being kept awake by anxious thoughts of Roman now. Especially since every time he came here from now on, could potentially be the last.
He felt Roman’s breath on the back of his neck and then suddenly Roman was very still. The sudden rigidness of Roman’s body caused Anxiety’s mind to start whirling. What was it? What was happening? Why was Roman suddenly so uncomfortable? Was this finally it? The end?
Roman’s arm slid away from Anxiety’s waist and pushed at the hair on the nape of his neck. It was an intimate gesture that Anxiety would never have allowed from anyone else.
“Virgil?”
Anxiety bolted out of bed and whipped around to glare at him, “How do you know my name?”
Roman was blinking up at him. He raised a finger to point at him, “My name is written on the back of your neck.”
Anxiety slapped a hand over the offending body part. He couldn’t see it, he hadn’t thought to examine himself backward in a mirror. But then that would mean-
Anxiety watched in awe as Roman pulled down his nightshirt to reveal the name written on his chest. Positioned right over his heart, it read, ‘Virgil’.
Virgil stared at it. Unblinking. Unbelieving.
“Your name is Virgil?” Roman said softly.
Virgil swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. Virgil had always thought when he revealed his name, Roman would be the one who laughed the most. But he was uncharacteristically quiet.
“You’re not… going to laugh?”
Roman blinked at him, “It’s not what I expected, but that isn’t a bad thing. And I’m…” Roman bit his lip for a second, “I’m just so relieved.”
Virgil stared, “You are?”
Roman huffed, “Yes. I kept thinking about how things might change once we found out who our soulmates were and I didn’t want that.”
Virgil felt a flutter in his heart. So Roman was anxious too? That was rare and surely impossible?
But Virgil felt himself melt as Roman gave him his most charming smile, “So what do you say, my Paramore Paramour?”
For the first time in a long time, Virgil didn’t feel anxious. He smiled.