Chapter Text
“-and it’s yours.”
She was going too quickly. Too much was being said by Sonja and not one thing was being understood by Even. How was he supposed to understand what she was saying to him?
It was 23:00 on a Friday, and Even had just been woken from a heavy sleep. The first good one since his last depressive episode. He had had a good day, full of energy and events, and Even had fallen asleep so easily. Then there was a knock. It wasn’t gentle or kind, it was persistent and heavy, and honestly Even was worried for Sonja’s hand when he finally opened the door to her shaking frame.
“We need to talk.”
And Sonja did. She hadn’t stopped talking. Not through Even taking her light jacket, or taking her to the kitchen for some tea, or moving her to the living room when he realized that this conversation wasn’t ending, and they were both better off getting comfortable because sleep would not be returning any time soon tonight.
The words were beginning to penetrate Even’s muddled mind. “Sonja, we haven’t seen each other in months.”
She scoffed, clearly unimpressed with Even’s thought process, “That hardly matters. Pregnancies take some time to be noticed. I know it’s yours. What do you want to do about it?”
Sonja had always been practical. Even supposed it made no difference when she was faced with a bombshell. They had one night together, two or so months ago. An accumulation of a manic episode Even had been in the midst of and a breakup Sonja had just been party to. They had run into each other unexpectedly, high school sweethearts who hadn’t seen each other since graduation. Both lonely, both upset, and both just the slightest bit horny, so they found solace in each other’s arms. When it was over, they had shared a hug and wished each other fair well. That was supposed to be it. One night, a bad decision by Even that could have been worse. It might be awkward to see her at some high school reunion now, but hardly the most awkward thing to happen if Even were to attend one at Bakka anyways.
Now, Even took Sonja in. Her wan features, her limp hair, thin fingers wrapped around the chipped mug that Even had provided her with. She looked fragile, not at all like someone who was carrying a child within her. But then again, what did Even know of what pregnant women should look like? He focused on her eyes, as sharp and determined as when she entered his house to make sure this shock would be shared. She was staring directly at him, almost through him, and Even became abruptly aware he was taking too much time to answer her.
“Uh… what do you want to do?” He was nervous for her answer. Even had no idea what he wanted, but he didn’t want to be the one to make the decision.
“I am not getting an abortion.”
“Oh! Good! Or not?” Even felt relief at her words, but he didn’t know why.
“Don’t misunderstand me. I am all for choice. I am choosing not to, but I am not keeping the baby.” She placed the mug on the table and pulled her short hair behind her ears. She leaned forward and took Even’s hand into her own. “I am giving you an option.” Even cocked his head to the side, using his free hand to urge her to continue. “I am not ready to be a mother, but I am not the only person responsible for this baby. I will give this child up for adoption. Unless...”
Even knew where Sonja was going. “Unless I want to keep it?”
“Unless you want to keep it.” Sonja nodded her head.
Even longed to be in bed, to be having a very uncomfortable dream and nothing else. “Sonja, I don’t know what to say.”
She pat the hand she was still holding, and Even realized he was shaking. “You don’t have to make a decision now. This is a lot, and honestly, I have had more time than one night to think about this. I’ve only just decided myself. You deserved to know. This wasn’t exactly a conversation to have over the phone.” They both chuckled, a testament to just how fucked up the night had become. “Even. I am going to go now, give you some time to think. You don’t need to decide today, but when you know it would be nice if you let me know too.”
Even did not stand up even though Sonja had. She ran her hand through his hair, “I have an appointment at the doctors on Tuesday. I’ll text you the details if you are interested in coming.” She let herself out.
He didn’t know how long he sat on his couch. Even had so many thoughts running through his mind he was unsure he’d be able to focus ever again. One thing was certain though.
Even was not getting sleep tonight.
+
Even was not ready to be a father.
He spent the night tossing and turning. He was an artist. He had barely managed to graduate after extended study, and was only beginning to make a name for himself in graphic art. He had commissions, he had clients, and thanks to his parents he had an apartment to live in, but there was plenty he did not have. He did not have an abundance of food, or clothes, or money. Definitely not enough to take care of a child without a lot of hard work. Even wouldn’t be able to provide a child everything he or she would need. It would be foolish of him to entertain the idea, but…
He picked up his phone and dialed.
“Hello?” A sleepy voice answered on the fifth ring. Even glanced at the screen to notice it was 7:34. On a Saturday. He grimaced.
“Hey… Mikael.”
“What’s wrong?” He could hear the change in Mikael’s voice. He was awake now,
“Why would anything be wrong?”
“Don’t bullshit me, Even. You don’t call me, I call you. You text ridiculous gifs and hearts until I do. And never before noon, especially on a weekend. You know I don’t like it,” Even sighed loudly over the receiver conceding the point, “So what is going on Bech Næsheim? It must be important.”
“So… do you remember how I told you I slept with Sonja a while ago?” Even asked gently, fearing the response. He could hear the groan Mikael no doubt yelled into the receiver.
“What? Don’t tell me! She wants to rekindle that love affair from high school?” Even could hear the retching noises Mikael was making. “Don’t do it Even! I’ve been your best friend through a lot of shit, but no one can be that strong!” Even let the silence after that statement stretch until it was awkward, as he gathered the courage to tell Mikael the truth. “Even? I’m only kidding…unless I’m right…no… say it ain’t so?”
“She’s pregnant.”
If he had thought the previous silence was awkward, he was wrong. This one stretched onwards until Even feared Mikael may have hung up.
“Fuck.”
Even felt the huff of laughter escape him suddenly, hearing it echoed by his friend. “Yeah.”
“What is she going to do?”
Even explained the night’s events to Mikael.
“Shit,” Even could hear his own fingers tapping against the metal of his bed frame as he waited for Mikael’s wisdom. “So… what are you going to do?”
Even shared his thoughts from the night before. During his tossing and turning in bed, all the negative thoughts that were building in his head.
“I’m not ready to be a father.”
“No.”
“So, it would be best for both of us if we gave the baby up for adoption.”
“Okay.”
That was it? Nothing else to share with him? No thoughts or opinions to share on the matter? Even was frustrated by the complete lack of comment, “Okay? Okay Mikael? That’s all you have to say?”
Even heard the loud sigh over the phone. “What do you want me to say? You seem like you have it all worked out in your mind.”
“I want you to tell me what to do! I want you to tell me what you would do! I want you to tell me-” He could feel the tears begin to fall, and his breath begin to heave.
“Even. Do you know what you should do? You should breathe,” He did. “You should stop thinking about this alone.” Easier said than done. “You should get out of your bedroom and get yourself a glass of water. You should get changed and meet me. We should discuss your options in person. Does that sound okay?”
Even nodded, then whispered, “yes,” when he noticed Mikael couldn’t see him.
“Okay. We will do that. Is it okay if I call Elias? And Yousef?” He waited for Even’s affirmative. “Do you want me to tell them?” Again, he waited for Even to agree. “Alright. We will meet at the KB. And Even?”
He had just gotten his breath back. A plan was forming thanks to Mikael’s help. “Yeah?”
“If you can’t stop thinking about it, maybe focus on why it made you so upset that I agreed with your idea.”
+
Even stood outside of the coffee shop, gathering courage to make his way inside. He wanted to know what the guys thought, but he was afraid at the same time.
He shouldn’t have stood so close to the door though, because he was blocking it from anyone trying to get in.
“Excuse me.” A voice said.
Even hurried to move out of the way, glancing up just in time to catch the side profile of blond hair and a red snapback as the owner of the voice moved past him.
Even was caught off guard by the pale skin and soft curls that brushed his shoulder as the man entered the KB. Overwhelmed by the desire to see more of the man, he quickly made to follow the voice inside hoping to get a better look at the man. The man moved quickly though, and Even was quick to become distracted by the occupants of the coffee shop.
Even was the last to arrive at the KB.
He could see as Elias worried his hands over his head, and Yousef played with his snapback, that Mikael had told them. Mikael seemed at odds with his friends, calmly writing on a pad of paper he had clearly brought from home, as he sipped leisurely from the mug in front of him.
“Hi guys.” Even fell into the last seat at the table, breaking into a small smile at the sight of his friends. They never failed to bring a spark of happiness to even the hardest of times for Even. They had ordered for him, and Even wrapped his hands around the warm cup of tea much like Sonja had the night before.
“Hey man, I suppose we owe you congrats?” Elias clapped a hand to Even’s shoulder that fell off quite quickly after he was shoved by Yousef beside him. Elias rubbed his shoulder before shrugging towards Even chastened, “Just kidding, sorry.” Even shook his head, it was alright.
“Hey Even.” Yousef said gently as he returned Even’s smile. “How are you feeling?”
“Confused and overwhelmed Yousef, thanks for asking.”
Yousef’s smile widened, “No problem.” Even couldn’t help the huff of laughter that escaped him.
Mikael straightened from where he was slouched over the notepad in front of him, “We are here to help you with that anyways,” He said in reference to Even’s statement. “After all, we’re the only three working braincells you have, though sometimes I worry for Elias.”
“Thanks so much, Mikael.” Even said sarcastically, ignoring Elias’ indignant squawk. He really did need help, so there was no point in fighting the comment.
Mikael smirked, “We’re making a pros and cons list.” He happily sat through the course of groans that accompanied his statement.
“I don’t understand your love of lists,” Elias complained. His hand had returned to Even’s shoulder, an encouraging weight during what would no doubt turn into an entirely over the top showcase of Mikael’s love of putting things into order.
“I wouldn’t expect you to,” He sniffed in reply, “I already started while we were waiting, Even. I hope you don’t mind.” Even gestured for him to continue. “Okay. Cons: you’re not ready to be a father, you said that one yourself. Two: you decided it would be a good idea to become an artist, therefore you have no money.” He ticked off a note on the paper in front of him. “Three: your parents. How will they react? We don’t know. They could actually be a pro, but knowing you, actually telling them is a con in itself.” Even bobbed his head in agreement. “Okay. That’s three for cons so far, anyone have any more to add?”
Elias raised his hand. “You’re still pretty young.” Yousef nodded in agreement, and Mikael added the note to his con list.
“You’re single.” Yousef suggested.
Elias pulled a face, “Ladies love hot single dads.” He winked at Even, “And plenty of men love a daddy, so that probably won’t be a problem.” Even could feel the laugh bubble up within him. It was true though, a child wasn’t the easiest addition to his dating scene, and honestly his dating life was already pretty lacking lately. He quieted as he felt a frown pull at his lips. He thought of the red snapback he had seen earlier, checking the seats to see if he could spot the man from before but without luck. Even would have to work hard to get someone like that to give him the time of day regularly, let alone with a child. This could make an already awkward time dating even harder, and everyone already commented on Even’s desire for an epic romance. It was like he had no hope at all.
“You’re sleep schedule is really weird,” Yousef suggested, pulling Even out of his thought and getting them back on track.
“Is that really a con though?” Elias asked, “I mean so is a baby’s. If anything, they might have that in common.” The group laughed. Even felt like he wasn’t truly feeling it, because listing all of Even’s faults wasn’t the best way to boost his spirits.
“I’m adding it anyways,” Mikael decided, “You would need to regulate a baby’s sleeping at some point.” Even hung his head, unable to see a point in continuing if even a joke was actually going to be a problem. But Mikael seemed to notice this because the next thing he said was, “Maybe we should list some pros for a bit too, to balance our chart?”
“Babies are cute.” Elias said.
“Yes, thank you for that amazing observation,” Mikael said, but he did write the pro.
“Raising a child is a gift,” Yousef suggested, but it sounded more like a question.
“Even? Do you want to offer something?” Mikael asked.
Even sighed but gathered the courage to say some of what he was thinking, “Well… maybe the baby might have my eyes?” Mikael wrote it down.
“Oh man! The baby would look like you, which is super weird to think about but also cool.” Elias agreed.
“You can impart your wisdom and beliefs on a baby. Make sure a kid has a chance to grow in an open and accepting environment.” Yousef added.
“The kid can learn from me, be an artist too?” Even said.
“You can teach a baby to be kind like you!” Yousef suggested.
“I can listen to the baby laugh, and maybe make him or her laugh too?” Even asked.
“Oh my gosh! We would be uncles!” Elias yelled out.
“These are meant to be pros for Even.” Mikael reminded them.
“That’s totally a pro for him. We are awesome.” Yousef leaned forward to high five Elias.
“We would get to hang out with a mini you!” Elias said excitedly, letting his hands move about with his words, “And maybe I could teach baby you to like spice!”
“And I can teach mini you to play basketball!” Yousef added, he seemed to be feeding off of Elias’ energy, “And I could teach the baby to dance! Give them a fighting chance to have even an ounce of rhythm unlike you.” Even laughed feeling brighter than any other point in the last 24 hours.
“Okay,” Mikael interrupted, “Do we all agree that a pro would be that Even would be an amazing father?”
“Yes!” Yousef and Elias both yelled, then made apologies to the other guests sitting in the nearest vicinity to them.
But Even wasn’t so sure. He had gotten caught up in his friend’s words. In the thoughts of a child that might have his eyes, or Sonja’s bright blonde locks, in small hands and high voices. It sounded lovely, but Even didn’t trust himself. At the end of the day Even was plagued with the worry. “I’m just worried I’m not ready.” He told his friends.
“There’s no being ready for a baby.” Yousef said after a moment’s consideration.
Mikael cocked his head, “I’m not sure where to add that Yousef.”
Yousef shook his head, unsure, “Maybe nowhere yet, but it is a response to one of Even’s cons. There is no being ready for a baby. That shouldn’t be a con. You might not have been planning for this, and that’s fair. But even families who planned and prepared for a baby don’t actually know what exactly they are going to get.” Yousef fell back in his chair, looking straight at Even. “I am not saying that your feelings are invalid, but maybe we aren’t focusing on the most important thing.”
“And what is that?” Even asked.
“Oh, I know that one.” Elias said. He replaced his hand on Even’s shoulder patting it. “Do you want to keep the baby?”
Even did not answer.
“Well. I think we have come to the big question,” Mikael agreed. “I can write as many pros and cons as you would like, but until you know the answer to that question it doesn’t really matter.” Yousef and Elias nodded. “Even, for what it’s worth, we aren’t worried about you being a good dad. You have to decide for yourself. Here take this.” Mikael ripped the paper he had been writing from the notepad and handed it to Even. “Let us know what you think.” He stood from his chair, signaling to his friends that this meeting was over as everyone scrambled to follow suit.
After quite the intense group hug, Even was left with a shoulder that was sure to be bruised after so many pats to his back; unkempt hair from multiple hands running through it, and a ripped paper that had a list of pros much longer than cons. He looked at the paper in his hands and noticed a pro that was written by Mikael but had not been mentioned by any of them in conversation.
Even left for his home with those words running through his mind. Being worried about being a good dad is a big sign that you care. Caring is a big sign you’ll be a good dad.
+
It was midday on Sunday when Even got up.
He had spent his night in and out of sleep but always thinking about the possibilities. He could be a dad. His friends thought he could be a great one. He would have their support and probably his parents’ too. He could raise a child that had his eyes, maybe his laugh too. He could teach his kid to draw, to be kind and compassionate. He could share only the best stories and the best movies with his child. He could make sure his baby had the best taste in film and music. His house wouldn’t be so empty. His passions wouldn’t feel so empty. There would be a little mini Even that he could give all the best parts of himself, and in return maybe he could learn from his child too.
Even picked up his phone from the side table and opened his group chat with the boys.
I’ve made a decision.
Yousef: That’s great.
Elias: Woo! What is it?
Mikael: Maybe it’s time to call your mom.
He was right, and Even would, but there was a more important call to make first.
She answered on the third ring, “Hello?”
“Hey Sonja, it’s me. Even.” He fiddled with the sheets under his hand as he waited for her response.
The line was quiet for a moment. “Hi, sorry it was a bit loud on my end, how’s it going?” She asked.
“I want it.” Even said it, and he had never been more confident he was making the right decision, not even when he had been clouded by the throes of mania and sure that the world would bend before him because it had no other option. “The baby. I want the baby.”
“Okay.” Even could hear as her phone passed from one hand to the other, “Than the baby is yours. I am assuming you’re coming to the appointment then? I sent you the location yesterday.”
“Yes, I got it. I’ll be there.”
“Alright. The appointment is at 10:00 am.” Sonja told him.
“Great.” Even said, “What name do I give at the reception?”
“Doctor Valtersen.”