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Stephanie feels awkward all of the time now.
It's not a new feeling, and she could hardly say it's surprising—she'd expected it from dropping everything to come to this country—though she didn't expect just how different things would be.
She feels like a string pulled taut with every step she takes and every bow she reminds herself to make.
By the time she gets to go home the only thing she wants is to finally get to relax rather than feeling so tense and honestly on the verge of snapping.
Not that she gets to go home—not really—but she at least has what home is supposed to be now.
And she needs that, she needs a place where she can finally let out that breath she feels like she carries stuck in her chest all day. Somewhere she can slouch and not smile, and maybe, if only for a second, not need to care about everything so much.
It sounds like a dream .
And it is.
She didn't expect to be roomed with the very personification of proper Korean culture when they finally were designated an actual dorm for the group.
Like… it's not like she hates Juhyun or something. Gosh, no! It's just that she always makes Stephanie feel so… unbearably awkward and lost.
And Stephanie is told that, as the older one, she is supposed to take care of their youngest. She's supposed to nurture her and teach her, or something like that, and honestly, she feels like she needs to coddle her.
But she doesn't understand how she's supposed to do that—and people just expect her to because she is older.
Barely two years!
If Stephanie is a plastic string pulled taut, Juhyun is… a bowstring. Whatever would be tauter than Stephanie feels.
She can't help looking at Juhyun sometimes and wondering if the girl ever lets herself take a breath.
Maybe it's just her—maybe Stephanie is just clueless. She's seen Jessica with Juhyun, and it's like night and day from what she feels. Jessica is definitely better at this whole older sister thing.
Or maybe it's just because Stephanie hasn't known Juhyun that long. It's weird for her to force a familiarity that she doesn't feel, just because she is supposed to now.
There are lots of maybes she can think of, but the one sure thing for Stephanie is that whenever she walks into their shared bedroom and Juhyun is there—studying or reading or… well, that's pretty much all she seems to ever be doing—Stephanie simply cannot get herself to relax.
She has to let the tension on her shoulders carry her all the way to her bed on her side of the room, and there's always this feeling that if she makes any type of misstep, Juhyun's eyes will catch it. And Juhyun will know, then, that Stephanie just isn't right for this whole thing. She'll just know.
Maybe Stephanie is overthinking it.
Or maybe not, because the screech Juhyun lets out one day when she notices how dirty Stephanie's socks are from walking around the dorm all day without slippers on make Stephanie feel pretty justified in her impressions.
**
It gets to a point where she can't take it anymore. She just can't.
She thought she could, but she is Tiffany now— all the time .
Tiffany is supposed to be polite and bright and talented. Tiffany is supposed to be everything anyone—even herself—could ever possibly want.
But Tiffany doesn't bow deep enough, or frequently enough, and Tiffany doesn't use the right words she's supposed to, and Tiffany forgets for a second too long where she's supposed to step—because no matter how much she tries to fool everyone else, Tiffany is still just Stephanie.
It hits her one night, this desperate feeling that she needs to breathe . And she can't manage to do it with anyone else around her, it's just too much.
Her eyes are tearing up before she can help it. She doesn't think as she sidesteps the dorm building through the blur of her tears, she just does and misses home—her actual home—with everything she has.
She can't get there, obviously, and that knowledge makes her tear burn stronger and has her feet taking her further away from the dorm in search of someplace she can bear to be in.
Turns out that right now that's a McDonald's.
She has to admit it's kind of funny, if only a little bit, that this seems to be the most comforting place she could find, where she feels least foreign.
The menu is still very much in Korean, obviously, and the burger she mumbles for is far from the In&Out she'd get with her friends after school back home, but the greasy scent that permeates the place and the sticky taste of the junk food she hasn't had in what feels like years now somehow manage to loosen her up bit by bit.
She doesn't want to be Tiffany right now. Not that she even could be while she breaks both curfew and her diet, and certainly not while looking as disheveled as she must look as she slouches in a solitary booth by the back of the first vaguely homely thing she could find roaming the streets.
Her phone is off but it feels like it's glaring at her from its spot on the table every time she takes a bite. It's not long until she has to stuff it into the pocket of her fluffy hoodie to take it off her sight and her mind.
She slurps her large soda loudly through the straw, so upset she keeps going until she runs out of breath and has to gasp for a couple of seconds.
She doesn't even realize she's stopped crying (and when did she even
start?) until she stops halfway through eating her burger and realizes she can't finish eating it. She knows she's stopped crying because that realization makes her want to start doing it again—she used to wold down one of these in a minute, but now it just weighs her stomach down as she rests her forehead against the sticky table and closes her eyes to push down her nausea.
**
She very much expects Juhyun to be asleep when she gets back.
She had in fact planned her whole damn return around the girl's strict schedule (doing schoolwork, then her skin routine, then reading something not school-related, and then finally bed, in that precise order) to make sure that that would be the case.
She just wants to not have to deal with anyone. She wants to lie down without showering or doing a skin routine, and not think of anything other than the e-mail she wants to write home tomorrow. (She's learned long ago to never write those in the heat of the moment, lest she wants people ready to drag her back to the States until she manages to convince them that things are fine .)
Juhyun always sticks to her schedule, except on days she stays up super late to catch up on schoolwork she's missed because of schedules, so Tiffany feels reasonably confident as she tip-toes through the dark dorm. She can't see any light peeking from underneath the door of their room, so she thinks she's safe as she slowly steps into the bedroom.
"Unnie?"
She freezes.
Crap.
With a muffled sigh, Tiffany's shoulders tense instantly. She should've known better.
She can make out the shape of Juhyun sitting up in bed as Tiffany braces herself and finishes stepping into the room, the door slipping closed quietly behind her. Any sleepiness she'd felt ready to succumb to has disappeared as if doused in cold water, even though she feels exhausted to the bone.
She doesn't want to explain herself. She doesn't want to see judgment in the other girl's eyes, and she doesn't want to feel chastised for trying to feel like she—like Stephanie —is still living .
"Yeah," she manages to force out in response as the other girl stays sat in her bed.
As her eyes adjust to the darkness, everything else starts sinking in.
She went out unannounced, unapproved, and unsupervised.
She broke curfew.
Broke her diet.
She even ignored all contact attempts except to reply to Taeyeon's last text just to say she was coming back without addressing anything else.
None of it sounded like a big deal, like anything but her just taking a damn moment —not until now. Not until she finds herself standing there in the dark and running it back through her mind.
She might as well have flipped them all the bird and said screw it to it all, all her efforts to make something of herself and redeem the image she feels she got stuck with.
Her throat constricts as she swallows tightly. She can't see Juhyun's eyes, but as she steps carefully towards her bed, it's like she can feel them burning the back of her neck as her own eyes once again start pricking with tears.
"Go back to sleep, Juhyun-ah." She barely recognizes her own voice.
Fuck.
She instantly feels awful as she hears the sharp inhale from the other girl.
She didn't mean for that to come off as dry and harsh as it did, nor sound every bit as stressed as she feels, but her own voice rings back at her accusatorily in the silence that follows as she steps into her sleeping clothes with her back turned to the other girl.
Her shame feels like it's building up by the second, the night's events not helping any, but she forces herself to gulp down the guilt as she lifts her sheets to step into her bed. The mattress feels cold, and it's tougher than her bed at home, and as she brings her sheets up over herself and shivers, she realizes the breath she'd been able to finally let out tonight is still stuck inside, weighing down on her again.
"Okay," she hears the girl whisper at last, timidly, before she hears the rustle of sheets as she settles back down too.
There is silence for a while.
Then, a sniffle.
And then: "I'm sorry."
The words startle Tiffany into turning over to try to look at the other bed. She's never heard Juhyun sound like that before: her voice was shaky, and Tiffany is sure she wasn't imagining the wet stuttered breath that came with it when another one comes.
"I c-can ask to switch rooms," Juhyun adds when Tiffany doesn't say anything in her shock.
"What? No!" Tiffany exclaims hushedly, feeling awful. "Why?!" Her voice is loud, too loud for the hour, but so is her heart in her eardrums as she starts panicking.
Is Juhyun going to rat her out? Was this finally one line too far that Tiffany crossed? Is this when she becomes the truly untrustworthy one?
She gets no answer to her question beyond another meek apology from the other girl. "Come here, please," she pleads, ushering the girl over and waiting until Juhyun finally pads across to her bed.
Tiffany tugs at her elbow to get her to sit down and wracks her brain for something to fix the mess she's caused. She knows that Juhyun can probably smell the grease on her from this close, and she's getting flashbacks to all those times Juhyun's seemingly taken a note straight from the managers' books with her curious questions. She doesn't know what to say to convince Juhyun that she—
"I tho… I thought you weren't coming back," Juhyun admits, interrupting Tiffany's frantic thoughts on their tracks.
And she remembers.
She remembers when they all thought they had a final line-up, for real this time. For the last time. And she remembers a still younger Juhyun and how hard she'd cried onto Jessica's shoulder when her friend (gosh, what was that girl's name?) had gotten cut anyway.
Tiffany didn't know them very well at all back then—she's ashamed to say that she'd felt a hint of relief at the lessened competition until she saw the puffy tear-streaked faces of the ones that were closest to the girls that left.
She remembers realizing how shitty she'd feel to lose the girls who had somehow managed to wiggle themselves into her life and into the dream she thought she'd had for herself.
"Juhyun-ah…" Tiffany lets out, sitting up closer to the other girl and feeling like crap. "Of course I came back." She pats the girl's hair, trying to shake the awkwardness from herself at the gesture, and is startled when Juhyun melts into her to press her face against her shoulder. The sudden spike of warmth that hits Tiffany in the chest is surprising, but not unwelcome.
"I'm sorry I stay up so late doing homework, unnie," Juhyun mumbles as Tiffany wraps an arm gently around her back. "I… I'm sorry that I'm…" her voice trails off, and she starts pulling back while wiping her cheeks. The embarrassment emanating off of her is obvious even in the darkness of the room, and Tiffany is forced to wonder when it is she forgot that this was just a girl too.
She allows Juhyun some room to recompose herself, but watches intently as her eyes adjust to the light streaking in through the curtains as the girl lowers her face to look down at her lap.
"I know that I am not…" Juhyun starts hesitantly, then pauses. The silence stretches out awkwardly between them until she tries to decide on what to say. "I was worried," she admits at last. "I-I was waiting for you to come back. But then you didn't, so I worried."
Tiffany's voice comes out weakly at that. "I'm sorry that I worried you," she says. And she is.
She doesn't know if she can admit to being sorry for all the assumptions she'd made up in her head about the other girl, but she knows she'll be adding that to her prayers tonight. Now that she is faced with this timid nervous Korean girl in her bed, she knows that she was placing her frustrations in the entirely wrong place.
"I promise it wasn't about you," Tiffany adds to both reassure Juhyun and cement that knowledge with herself. Her dread to face Juhyun seems absurdly silly now in retrospect, but Tiffany is too proud and embarrassed to admit to it right now.
She's still lonely and homesick, and she might feel bad for the other girl, but it still doesn't change how hard things are.
Juhyun just sits quietly, and Tiffany continues to talk hesitantly.
"It's just hard sometimes, you know?" She admits, and sees Juhyun nod with her head still tilted down. A thought comes to her, and she adds worriedly: "You're not going to tell the managers about this, right?"
Juhyun whips her head up to look at her. "No!" She seems appalled at the notion.
Tiffany's lips twitch in some amusement when it seems like there are things even rulebook Juhyun would let slide.
"Okay," Tiffany says. "Thanks."
She can make out Juhyun smiling shyly at her, and her chest warms again. She can't help smiling back and reaching out to press a hand to the girl's cheek.
"Do you actually want to switch rooms?" she asks, and Juhyun shakes her head. "You sure?"
"I just thought maybe you would want to," Juhyun says.
"You're not getting rid of me that easily," Tiffany quips lightly, but when Juhyun's smile widens at that she feels the words settle heavily with herself.
She thinks of singing and being on the stage for a moment, and thinks of long dance practices that leave her sweaty and aching to the bones, and she thinks of the difference it makes to have the girls beside her through all those things.
She thinks of this girl sitting in front of her with nervous hands folded in her lap, young insecurity oozing out of her, and Tiffany decisively never wants to be the cause of that ever again.
"Do you wanna sleep here?" Tiffany asks. Before Juhyun can think she's talking down to her like she's a child, she adds: "It just gets so lonely sometimes."
"Oh," Juhyun says, then gives a tiny nod. "Thank you."
"You don't have to be so polite to me, Juhyun-ah. You can grab Keroro if you want. Let's make it a party."
"O-okay, Unnie."
It's admittedly a little weird, and Tiffany's bed is certainly not that big. Juhyun sure is one limby girl, all growing parts and pointy elbows, but the smell of her shampoo is nice, and the warmth she brings to the bed is more than welcome as they somewhat settle around each other.
Tiffany tucks her knees in behind Juhyun's as she presses closer against the warmth of her back almost involuntarily the heavier her eyes get. When she feels Juhyun actually relax against her and start murmuring in her sleep, Tiffany smiles and lets out a sigh before falling asleep.
**
It's been a long time.
Maybe that's a weird thing to think about your own life, but it's true. Things have changed so much. People have left, places have moved, careers have risen (and fallen). Some things feel like so long ago that they're almost another life in her mind.
They're shooting a reality show now, the three of them—TaeTiSeo—and Tiffany oddly feels like she's fifteen again as she lies in the dark in a big bed with her two friends. The feeling is only made stronger as she listens to Juhyun whine next to her at Taeyeon's teasing.
"Just ignore her, Juhyun-ah," Tiffany tells her. Tiffany knows that, once the two get in a mood, she's the one who will end up being trampled on (again, mind you), so it's frankly in her own best interest to try to settle them.
There's no real reason why Tiffany should be feeling this nostalgic, especially not when it's been so long since they were teenagers, but maybe that's precisely it. It's been so long since she's had multiple people as her roomies, and since they've been in each other's space whether they wanted to or not, that it's impossible not to reminisce as she listens to Taeyeon sigh in that way that means she's a minute away from passing out in exhaustion, plus Juhyun's much quieter breathing as she settles still next to Tiffany.
Tiffany rolls onto her side and tries to look through the darkness, hardly making out their maknae's profile right next to her. Her knees bump against Juhyun's thighs as she adjusts herself, but Tiffany pays it no mind as she tucks a hand under her own cheek on the pillow.
"Do you remember when we used to be roommates?" she asks quietly, not really minding the cameras she knows are still rolling.
There's a small quiet moment while Juhyun adjusts herself. "Of course I do, unnie," she answers then, mindful of her voice because they both know Taeyeon needs her rest—the cameras take their toll when this constant, on her especially so.
"Do you ever miss it?" Tiffany asks.
Another pause, and Tiffany takes in Juhyun's thoughtful exhale. She can't help but reminisce—thinks of hugging a much smaller and frailer girl to herself in a much tinier bed after yet another grueling, chastising filled vocal lesson, and of nights pretending not to hear each other cry for the sake of respect, and of incredibly embarrassing moments of accidentally breached privacy. Tiffany can't help but marvel that that's all been in this lifetime and that it's all somehow participated in bringing them here to this very point.
"I guess now that I stop to think about it, I kind of do," Juhyun admits after a bit.
"I get that," Tiffany agrees. She hadn't stopped to consider it in a while either, despite suddenly being hit with it now. Maybe it all came back because of this rare moment just hitting her—being warm and cozy under the covers with Juhyun's presence next to her, so different than before but still familiar to the core.
"It's different," Juhyun mumbles as she burrows further under the covers. "Living with my parents, I mean."
"What do you miss the most?" Tiffany asks curiously, the hand not under her cheek running softly over the small space in between them on the sheets.
The only sounds ringing through the room for a while is Taeyeon's semi-quiet breathing from Juhyun's other side, and Tiffany tries to figure out the answer to her own question as well. She's not sure she can even admit to a truthful answer—some things have changed so much that they feel irredeemable, unreachable, and it hurts too much for her to think about.
"Having you, I guess," Juhyun answers eventually through a yawn, and it startles Tiffany enough that her sleepiness seems to vanish in a blink. "All you girls. Having you close… It was nice." Juhyun's words are drowsier now, hardly a murmur as Tiffany feels and semi sees through the dark as she moves an arm to rub against her eyes.
"Well," Tiffany says, reaching over to gently keep Juhyun from rubbing her eyes stubbornly, "we're here now, right?"
"Mmmhm," is all she gets as an answer—a sleepy, tired little murmur that somehow seems to burrow its way into Tiffany's chest, right next to her beating heart, with unexpected suddenness. Tiffany swallows, giving Juhyun a fond smile even though she knows the other woman can't see it, and laces their fingers together gently as Juhyun turns over to face her as she seemingly falls asleep.
It's when Juhyun seems to gravitate towards her in the darkness that Tiffany gets a realization.
She's half-dreamily pondering if that nice smell wafting from the girl was the perfume Taeyeon had bought Juhyun or if it was just shampoo when Juhyun burrows closer against her. She curls herself in, warm breath hitting Tiffany's neck, and Tiffany freezes as her entire body erupts in goosebumps.
Oh.
Oh .
Tiffany gulps, blinking blearily at nothing, and makes a truly valiant effort to stabilize her suddenly frantically pounding heart. Juhyun sighs in her sleep and Tiffany's fingers flex involuntarily as yet again that warm breath hits the curve of her neck.
This somehow, Tiffany realizes, seems to have been a long time coming. It's a weird thought, and she doesn't know what to do with it. She's still trying to still her erratic breathing, but Juhyun's warmth feels all-encompassing as she presses against her, so Tiffany tucks her feet against Juhyun's shins and gives up on trying to fix whatever's gotten her heart going haywire.
Instead, she dreams.
**
"You're so hyperactive," Tiffany says in English with a hand to her temple from where she's sitting in the hotel room armchair. She watches Juhyun spin around in circles, singing her heart out to the thrilling background sound of Taeyeon's shower running and the music coming from Juhyun's phone speakers.
"It's because I'm younger," Juhyun sasses back in English as well, spinning around with her phone clutched in hand and throwing a silly look Tiffany's way.
Tiffany laughs, of course, shaking her head and unable to decide whether or not she's glad there are no cameras around them. "Sassy," Tiffany comments before switching back to Korean. "Seriously."
" Rrrreally ," Juhyun drawls back at in exaggerated English, before finally plopping herself to sit on the bed in front of Tiffany.
Juhyun's phone beeps in her hands and she taps her music off so read her incoming messages.
"Do you have schedules once we get back already?" Tiffany asks.
Juhyun nods, not looking at her as she types into her phone. Tiffany is left to glance around the room to check their belongings—her own suitcases are basically ready and packed for them to go back. The only things she's missing are the ones she has in the bathroom that Taeyeon is currently hogging, and she pouts to herself in semi annoyance at being unable to check off the last few things pending in her mental checklist.
She's drawn out of her mental grumbling against Taeyeon's habits when she feels a poke to her knees. She looks down to find Juhyun stretching her legs over from the bed so that her feet are in Tiffany's lap. "You're going to fall on your ass," Tiffany half-laughs, grabbing Juhyun's ankles to keep them still as Juhyun tries to poke her with her toes.
She can't see Juhyun's reaction from behind the phone she is still holding up to her face, and Tiffany is half tempted to reach for her own charging phone to scroll through SNS. She's hit with the thought that this is likely the last time they'll get to just be like this together for the next while—at least until the next of their schedules together for promotion—and decides to stay where she is instead.
"Yah, Seo Juhyun!" she calls with a chuckle when she notices the girl start to slide off the bed. "You're going to fall, pabo !"
It's entirely silly and ridiculous how Juhyun reaches a hand out with a whine and dramatically exclaims " save me ", and there's nothing Tiffany can or would do other than cackle her heart out when Juhyun does indeed end up sliding down to her ass on the floor.
" Unnie ," Juhyun whines immediately, and Tiffany keeps laughing but at least brings a hand up to cover her mouth.
"Told you," Tiffany giggles while Juhyun gamely stands back up. "Come here," Tiffany calls, reaching out a hand for her.
Juhyun does reach back for her, but surprises Tiffany by tightening her grip and pulling Tiffany up from the chair. It startles another laugh out of Tiffany as she stumbles up onto her toes, and she lets out a weak yah and hits a gentle fist to Juhyun's arm.
"Are you done packing?" Tiffany asks.
"I am," Juhyun nods, and makes to walk away, probably intending to go knock on the door to the bathroom or go check in with their managers. It's Tiffany's turn to tighten her grip on Juhyun's hand though, intending to keep her there when she's hit with a tight chest and the knowledge that they are quickly nearing the end of their time together for this show.
Tiffany ends up in the receiving end of an inquisitive look, of course, but she can't think of quite anything right to say that doesn't sound out of place. She feels like the time they've spent together for this show has turned out so weirdly separate from everything else, and she knows she'll dearly miss it.
She wants to tell Juhyun that she misses her already, somehow, now that they'll be going back to their individual spaces; wants to tell her that she misses Juhyun's gangly sixteen-year-old self sometimes, the one who used to count on Tiffany for comfort and who still stumbled with her growing limbs sometimes. She wants to tell her that that's all so stupid because now Juhyun has grown into herself in a way Tiffany can't help but marvel at.
She doesn't tell her any of that, though, and is instead forced to swallow against the memory of hot breaths against her neck and arms around her waist. She quietly reaches up to push Juhyun's hair into place fondly instead, acutely aware that she is being uncharacteristically quiet.
"Tiffany-unnie?" Juhyun calls quietly.
"Mmm?" Tiffany asks, dropping her hand from the hair strands she'd put into place and blinking up at her.
Juhyun stares at her for what feels like a beat too long—long enough for Tiffany to feel herself inhaling sharply at the gaze she finds herself on the receiving end of. Juhyun's eyes move over her face for a moment longer still before she shakes her head with a smile as if pulling out of thought at the same time as she pulls back slightly. "I just—I'll miss you."
When Juhyun makes to continue pulling away, Tiffany feels like she can't hesitate. "Hey," Tiffany calls quietly, tugging her back by their still linked hands. "I'm right here," she adds softly.
And she can't say she's every thought of doing this—she doesn't think she has. Maybe in confusing dreams this past week, if she's being really honest, but never before—not with any seriousness.
But when she reaches up to trace the curve of Juhyun's cheek, there isn't room for anything else in Tiffany's mind other than the acute realization that she is pushing up to press her lips against Juhyun's.
It's a soft peck—it lingers then resounds with a soft smack when she pulls back after a moment and lets herself down from her tiptoes.
Her chest heaves as if she's sprinted a marathon, breath heavy, and she stares up at the wide eyes staring back at her and cheeks that are quickly reddening before her.
Tiffany chews on her lip, hit with the realization that she might just have screwed up majorly .
There is no time to consider the ramifications of fucking up because hurried lips crash clumsily against hers again, and the surprised sound Tifanny lets out ends up muffled as she reaches up to steady herself by gripping on to Juhyun's arms.
"S-sorry," Juhyun mumbles, breath puffing against Tiffany's mouth, and the half-embarrassed, half-desperate tilt to her voice makes Tiffany pretty sure that her heart's never going to go be able to go back to beating normally.
"It's okay," Tiffany chuckles lightly, dragging her hands from Juhyun's shoulders to her face so to cup her cheeks. "It's okay," she repeats, hushed, tilting up and letting their noses brush lightly before she kisses her again—slowly now, firmly, to make it count.
Juhyun's hands tighten on her hips, and Tiffany's heart hammers in her own ears as their lips mold together.
They part with a shaky exhale, and Tiffany knows she can't promise much right now—except for one thing. "I'll still be here," she says, words heavy with meaning as she trails her hands down Juhyun's neck. She holds their heavy gaze even as she regretfully steps back at the sound of the bathroom lock turning. She doesn't miss how Juhyun's hold on her lingers until the last possible moment.
And she will be there, Tiffany tells herself with certainty, the confidence in that decision carrying her through the rest of the sad day. There simply is no alternative anymore—not now that she is in the position to catch Juhyun dazedly biting her lips with a flush multiple times throughout the rest of the day. And the flutter in Tiffany's chest whenever their gazes happen to meet is unmistakeable—the additional promise suddenly so clear between them making the yearning to not let them miss each other any more all that much clearer.