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To say Clay was going crazy would be a very deep exaggeration, but he was fine, or at least he was trying to convince himself that he’s fine.
By the second week, the waiting room began to feel more like a cage than anything. He could leave at any moment, he knows that but at the same time, he couldn't, because Justin is in the hospital and he can’t leave him. He had tried, he had, but every time he walked away he felt his chest tighten as if something bad was happening so he had opted for staying because Justin’s in the hospital and being anywhere else right now feels wrong.
His brother is in the hospital and he can't just leave.
"I got coffee," Clay jumps slightly but takes the coffee from Tony as he sits down next to him. "How are you doing?" Clay swallows something thick that almost feels like a softball covered in nails in his throat, simply shrugging because he doesn't know how to talk anymore. He hasn’t talked in a while he thinks, a couple of days at least. Maybe his last appointment with Dr Ellman, he isn’t sure really. Time began to morph after day four.
"He's gonna be fine, Clay," and Clay snaps because Tony doesn't know if that’s true and he feels like Tony is just saying it, "you don't fucking know that Tony!" All of their friends and his parents look over as Clay stumbles to his feet, fidgeting away until he's outside Justin's room.
He must've made some noise against the glass door because Jessica looks up and waves him in. He hesitates, wants to run for the hills right then but he walks in any way, his legs moving on their own accord until he's next to Justin's bed.
"I hate seeing him like this." Jessica's voice cracks but Clay can only nod in agreement, afraid to talk in fear of his voice doing the same thing.
They stay in silence for a while, the machines keeping a steady yet anxiety-inducing sound as they continue on beeping.
Clay thinks about how they both cause him anxiety, the rapid yet steady beeping in his ears, yet also keep him calm because if the machines are beeping then his brother is still alive.
"We...I've been a real asshole to him." Clay's voice is rough and his entire body feels like it's vibrating. "He probably hates me." Clay rubs his eyes with closed fists, tucking away his shaking hands into the pocket of his hoodie rather quickly. "He doesn't." Clay looks away from Justin to Jessica who's just looking at him sincerely, a look he hasn't seen from her in a while.
"He loved you, Clay. He loves you so much. He was really just worried about you, that's all." Then, Clay just breaks down because this is his brother and he's been such an asshole to him and his brother is dying. He was such an asshole, and Justin had just been worried and now Justin’s dying.
//////////////
Clay's half asleep, dreaming up a various mix of horrible images, against Jessica's shoulder when the doctor comes into the waiting room, speaking in a hushed voice to Clay's parents, sweeping the two away in just the time that Clay comes to again.
"Wait...where...Justin." Clay begins to panic rather quickly but Jessica grabs Clay's arm before he can run headless after his parents. "Calm down, Clay." It doesn't help, even makes him feel worse instead of better. Clay knows Jess is trying to help but it isn’t, not now. Justin helped, but Justin can't help right now.
Matt and Lainie come out not long after, no doctor. Clay isn't sure if that's a good thing or bad thing. They stop right in front of Clay and everyone covertly tries to scoot closer.
It's like they're waiting on purpose as Clay stares up at them, his heart beating alarmingly fast and he's too anxious to hide his shaky hands because what the hell is going on?
His father takes in a rather large breath, "Justin...he’s gonna be okay. He’s beginning to breath better and if he keeps up the medication, he could live up to ten more years.” Ten years.
Ten
.
T-E-N.
In the grand scheme of things, ten is a lot less than forty, but ten is a lot more than a week, which is what it was originally.
“Ten...years,” Clay says, more to himself than anyone as he absorbs every letter.
“He’s awake, and asking for you.” Clay scrambles to his feet, letting his dad guide him to Justin’s room. Matt leaves the second Clay reaches the doors and it takes Clay several moments before he’s able to slide the door open, Justin looking over at the noise.
He looks better, a lot better. He’s still a little shaky but he’s clearly breathing better and his colour is beginning to come back. It makes Clay let out a huge breath he hadn't even realized that he was holding, a considerably large weight falling off his chest.
“Hey.” Clay nods, sitting down next to him. Justin sounds better, so much better.
“Hey,” Clay wants to say more but he doesn’t know what to say, or how to even get the words out. So instead he just looks at Justin, poking his arm to make sure he’s actually here.
“Ow.” Justin squeaks but he’s smiling at his brother, “I’m okay, Clay.” Justin laughs and he
almost
sounds like himself again. “You...you fucking scared me.” Clay finally opens up because Clay lied, when he told Dr Ellman that he was the only person he could be honest with, it’s Justin too. It's always been, Justin. Justin is one of a very small group of people Clay trusts with everything in him.
“Clay…” But Clay needs to get this out, “No you fucking scared me, and I’ve been such a fucking asshole to you lately. I accused you of relapsing when I knew that you hadn’t and I...I really, really fucked up.” Clay rakes his hand down his face, breathing out heavily.
“I...I messed up too.” Clay looks up, taking Justin’s hand just in a way to ground himself and it actually begins to work. “But I’m okay now, and so are you.” Clay actually believes him.
“I can’t do this without you.” Justin takes his hand, a rare sincere moment between the two where neither male cuts the tension with various jokes. “You won’t. I’m right here, Clay. I am right here.” If Clay clutches Justin’s hand tighter, neither man will mention it.
“I love you, man.” Clay laughs despite the tears in his eyes, happy tears he thinks. He nods, cracking a smile.
“I love you too.”
Things are hard for a while after Justin begins getting better but Justin’s alive, and that’s all that really matters.
He’s alive and healthy for the most part.
He graduates high school and hugs Clay tightly after his speech.
He and Jessica begin dating again, no bullshit.
He goes to college.
He stays clean.
He's alive, he's alive and that's all they can possibly ask for.