Chapter Text
[CC-3636 has added CC-2224, CC-6454, CT-7567, CC-1010, and CC-5052 to General ]
[CC-3636 has named the chat Fucking Shenanigans]
[CC-3636 has changed their name to Wolffe]
Wolffe: @CC-2224 and @CT-7567 please come collect General Kenobi and save both him and myself from this embarrassment
[CC-2224 has changed their name to Cody]
Cody: . . . I almost don’t want to ask because this already feels like a disaster
Cody: But I will
Cody: what’s happening?
[CT-7567 has changed their name to Rex]
Rex: also why tf did u ask me?
Wolffe: Both General Koon and General Fisto got hit with some drug from their last mission and are currently. . . cooing over General Kenobi
Wolffe: I’d call it endearing if I wasn’t also in the same room as them
Wolffe: also you’re just pretty close to the 212th’s General so I thought it’d be appropriate to call for you two in case Kote was busy
[CC-6454 has changed their name to Ponds]
[CC-1010 has changed their name to Fox]
[CC-5052 has changed their name to Bly]
[Ponds has added Monnk to Fucking Shenanigans ]
Monnk: ??
Ponds: read up
Monnk: oh
Monnk: rip General Kenobi
Cody: . . . I’m on my way
Cody: Rex is coming too
Wolffe: Honestly it’s kind of cute
Wolffe: Your general’s face is as red as Fox’s paint
Monnk: I’ll drag General Fisto awa
Bly: Is everything okay?? It’s been a hot minute
Bly: @Monnk @Wolffe what’s happening
Rex: General Fisto dragged Kenobi into his lap
Bly: . . . sorry what
Monnk: Obi-Wan’s in Fisto’s lap
Ponds: First name?
Monnk: “You two have learned and seen much more than I wanted you to Commanders, you may as well call me by my first name.” - Obi-Wan and his never ending suffering at the hands of two Jedi Councilors
Wolffe: The worst part about this is that I’m pretty sure Generals Fisto and Koon won’t regret this
Rex: yeah I’m getting that too
Cody: Anyways we’ve retrieved my General
Rex: rip Kenobi his face is red as kriff
Rex: can we get an f in the chat here for this poor baby
Wolffe: F
Ponds: f
Bly: F
Fox: F
Bly: f
Monnk: f
Cody: f
Cody: Does the General know you talk about him like this Rex’ika? Also please don’t call him a baby- I don’t want to read that with my own two eyes again
Rex: lmao
Rex: yeah he does know he’s fine with it
Rex: wait watch this
Bly: ??
[Cody has named the chat Kickstarter to Put Down Rex ]
Bly: !!!!
Monnk: what the kriff
[Rex has sent a holo vid: Opens with Obi-Wan centered in frame and Cody off to the side- cut off a bit from the camera. Rex’s hands are on Kenobi’s shoulders; though the General doesn’t look too put off by it, he is clearly confused. “No one else wants to admit it but everyone thinks you have baby energy” is heard, said by Rex. The video ends with the clear sound of Cody choking on his spit and Obi-Wan turning red ]
Ponds: Oh my Force Rex
Rex: AM I WRONG
Cody: I cannot believe this
Cody: I’m asking General Kenobi if I can ground you
Rex: He’s too baby
Cody: he said yes but told me not to
Rex: see
[Cody has changed their name to Revoke Rex Rights]
Rex: ah
Ponds: . . .
Ponds: Rex isn’t wrong though
Revoke Rex Rights: I am revolted I am disgusted I dedicate my whole life to defending the Republic and this is the thanks I get
Ponds: General Windu knew Kenobi since he was an Initiate
Ponds: I hear stories
Wolffe: same with my General
Fox: General Vos hangs around sometimes and freely admitted to me that General Kenobi is the Jedi High Council’s ‘Baby’
Revoke Rex Rights: Ah
Revoke Rex Rights: General Vos is also a traitor
[Ponds has added Eat Your Gree(ns) to Kickstarter to Put Down Rex ]
Eat Your Gree(ns): okay first of all
Eat Your Gree(ns): what the kriff is the chat name
Eat Your Gree(ns): two
Eat Your Gree(ns): why am I here
Ponds: Isn’t General Unduli friends with General Kenobi
Eat Your Gree(ns): She calls him Baby Face but yes go on
Rex: i am literally so elated to have all my theories validated
Rex: your response fills with me joy
Revoke Rex Rights: I have come to the conclusion that all Jedi are now traitors
Eat Your Gree(ns): because Kenobi has baby energy?
Rex: Cody just groaned and slammed his head against the wall
Rex: Kenobi is rightfully looking at his Commander in concern
Wolffe: sounds about right
[Ponds has changed Revoke Rex Rights’ name to RIP Kote]
RIP Kote: All of you are traitors
Rex: you just don’t want to admit that I’m right and that your General has massive Baby Energy
[Eat Your Gree(ns) has added Thire to Kickstarter to Put Down Rex ]
Thire: I’m not even going to question the chat name
RIP Kote: Why is this happening
Rex: General Kenobi is totally baby right
Thire: I once caught General Yoda whack General Vos on the leg and call him a bad influence and then immediately send General Kenobi to bed
Thire: Yoda: Attachments, I do not have
Thire: Obi-Wan Kenobi: appears
Thire: Yoda: One attachment, I do have
Rex: I have never once in my whole life, felt as valid as right now
RIP Kote: Alright, no judgement here, but how many of you are on a first name basis with my General
Bly: Didn’t Obi-Wan tell you to call him by his first name too
RIP Kote: that is besides the point
Ponds: Generals Windu, Kenobi and I were talking once and I accidentally called him ‘Obes’ and literally nothing happened so now I call him that sometimes
Monnk: literally everyone in this chat is allowed to call him by his first name you repressed homosexual
RIP Kote: I am disowning all of you
RIP Kote: I don’t think I can ever look Kenobi in the eyes again
Rex: literally just call him Obi
Rex: I’ve heard you call him that once and I know that he’s not bothered by it
RIP Kote: I am booking a ship straight to Kamino and asking to be decommissioned as soon as possible
[Wolffe has changed RIP Kote’s name to Repressed Homosexual]
Fox: I called him ‘Obes Kenobes’ once and all he did was give me a long suffering look before telling me to tell General Vos that he’d like to- quote on quote- “meet him in the pit” and then told me not to worry about it
Fox: ngl I just had a kriffing heart attack right then and there but after that I mostly call him by his first name
Eat Your Gree(ns): If you think that’s bad??
Repressed Homosexual: oh no
Eat Your Gree(ns): I called him Baby Face right to him simply because that’s all General Unduli calls him
Repressed Homosexual: Literally none of you deserve rights
Thire: He’s got killer puppy eyes though
Thire: real sad
Rex: wtf he does??
Fox: ?
Thire: oh my sweet Force
[Repressed Homosexual has named the chat Chat of Sin and Regret ]
Ponds: he does
Wolffe: Oh yeah, absolutely
Thire: he doesn’t do it often and I’m not even sure he’s aware of it
Wolffe: General Koon got really sad when he did it once
Ponds: I got really sad there’s literally no way to say no to that face
Bly: Even with all this evidence I just can’t imagine it
Fox: I’m adding General Vos
Repressed Homosexual: all of you are heathans
[Fox has added The Big Sexy to Chat of Sin and Regret ]
Rex: General Vos I say this with complete respect but
Rex: What the Actual kriff is your user
The Big Sexy: I blame Garen
The Big Sexy: Also please just call me Quinlan or at Least just Vos when we’re not on the field
The Big Sexy: now why am I here???
Fox: does General Kenobi have puppy eyes
The Big Sexy: It is so very important to me that you never bring up this conversation or mention he has incredibly effective puppy eyes to Obi ever
The Big Sexy: he doesn’t know and it’s an honest to Force blessing that he doesn’t yet
The Big Sexy: If he knew Obes would become even more of a little shit
Fox: I’m going to take that as a yes
The Big Sexy: that is 100% correct
The Big Sexy: he already has a good portion of the Order wrapped around his little pinky he has too much power
Rex: ajbfvdsafkb aight
Eat Your Gree(ns): hmm sounds pretty sus
The Big Sexy: I once saw The Duchess Satine nearly punch someone because Obes kriffing frowned when some reporter was being rude to him
Repressed Homosexual: wait really
Rex: softly but with feeling: holy shit
The Big Sexy: . . . is that you Commander Cody
Ponds: it is
The Big Sexy: huh
Bly: why is that such a big thing???
Repressed Homosexual: The Duchess Satine of Mandalore is an incredibly dedicated Pacifist who would rather fling herself off a balcony than fire a blaster- she just doesn’t do violence
The Big Sexy: and yet she nearly threw hands because Obes made a frowny face in her visual vicinity
Bly: h u h
Wolffe: I’m not going to lie
Wolffe: but I’m kind of impressed
The Big Sexy: and could you believe that his ‘I’m not made, I’m just disappointed. I thought you could do better’ face is just as bad
Fox: I understand that there are actual levels for that one?
Rex: yes
The Big Sexy: There’s level 1, which is just the general ‘I’m disappointed’ stare
Rex: not so bad but still makes you feel like bantha shit but is therefore the most common
The Big Sexy: Level 2 and 3 are much the same but is more geared to ‘I’m not mad’ and usually followed by a short lecture
Rex: Level 4 is when you start feeling like you’d be better off melting into the floor
The Big Sexy: that’s the ‘You let me down’ stare and thankfully I’ve never gotten past that one
The Big Sexy: first time he looked at me like that was when he was 15 and I was 16 and I could barely look him in the eye for the next two days without feeling guilty and it’s probably only gotten more severe as we aged
Ponds: h u h
Ponds: and level 5?
Rex: oh god
Rex: General Skywalker got stared down hard by a level 5 and he looked damn near to bursting into tears right then and there
Rex: his eyes were red and he couldn’t look General Kenobi in the eye and for all that he towers over Kenobi he looked really small then
The Big Sexy: yup that sounds like the ‘You let me down, I had hoped you would do better but I still care for you’ look and it is fucking devastating it makes you feel like you’re three inches tall from what I know
The Big Sexy: He successfully cowed most of the Council with that look once when they suggested a particularly stupid plan
Thire: . . . General Yoda did look really guilty
Wolffe: I am very impressed
Wolffe: is that it?
Rex: I have no idea how it could get worse
The Big Sexy: there is one more level
Rex: you’re kidding me
The Big Sexy: It’s like a combination of everything else and I have no idea how Qui-Gon Jinn could live with himself in the face of that
Repressed Homosexual: isn’t he Obi-Wan’s late master?
The Big Sexy: yeah he was a real dick and if I could I’d punch the man for what he did to Obes during his apprenticeship
Monnk: oh I think I know this
Thire: I’m pretty sure all the Commanders of the Councilors know it
Rex: huh
Bly: so level 6?
The Big Sexy: That’s the
The Big Sexy: I knew you would let me down and it really hurts that you chose to do this but because I love you I will help you- but you have severely disappointed me.
Bly: I’m imagining it and I think I would actually rather die
The Big Sexy: I’m pretty sure that that’s Obi’s super power
Eat Your Gree(ns): Could we get him to star down Dooku at a lv.6?
Thire: If he did that we could probably get him aligned back with the Jedi instead of the Sith
Ponds: oh for sure
Bly: back?
Wolffe: Darth Tyranus used to be Jedi Master Yan Dooku before he left the order
The Big Sexy: He’s Obi’s Grandmaster
Fox: wait
Rex: w h a t