Chapter Text
Validation.
The last years of Yoongi's life had been greatly determined by that word.
It's not that he hadn't noticed from a young age that something wasn't right with him. Or, rather, that there was no coherence between the way he felt and the body that began to develop in his teens.
It's because of my height, he said to himself when his peers begun to change as they entered puberty. He always felt less manly for being short, less strong, and less capable to do things that his classmates were able to do perfectly (as fast running and others). But then, he realized that he has a similar height to his female classmates, the same delicate contexture, while boys kept growing and developing muscles.
So, should he feel okay? Because his body was female and that was the way things should be? Should he accept that his male classmates look down on him for being a girl? Even when he was the best player in the court and every game on the Physical Education class?
But, it isn't was only about his height. It wasn't just the bullying when he entered the girls' bathroom wanting to enter the boys'; it wasn't just the hair-pulling that the boys gave him when he hit a three-point ball.
The worst came later, and he wasn't prepared at all.
At the young age of 12, Yoongi never thought he would bleed without being hurt. He was used to bleeding after colliding with a player and falling to the ground abruptly, he was used to the pain of sprains on his fingers after receiving a very fastball... But this wasn't any of those situations. It was more traumatic because when he told his mother she started to tearing up, hugging him and telling him that his body was now prepared for being a mom in the future.
She told him that he now was a woman.
He remembers the blurring memory of running out his house, the heat of the summer hitting his face, and the first tears that started to fall. He leaves behind his mom's desperate yellings, begging him to come back, that they could talk more about it, but he didn’t want to talk about that, about anything related to this new body. And even with the first menstrual cramps, he ran faster to the closest basketball court to cry while dunking, until his hands were injured by the friction of the ball.
He didn't want to be a mom, he didn't want to change from the neutral state his body had been until this moment. He didn't want to have more reasons to be undervalued by his peers. He didn't want to be a woman, he didn't want to have curves, much fewer boobs.
His mom cried again when he came back later that evening, after that entire afternoon at the court, because of his hands painfully damaged as for what her 12-year-old daughter told her.
"Mom, I don't wanna be a girl. I just, want to stay like this, I don't want boobs," Yoongi cried in a whisper, as his mother hugged him, not fully understanding what her daughter was saying. "Mom, my classmates will tell me again that I can't play with them anymore, because the team is only for boys."
"Sweetheart, you can play basketball in a girls teams, you'll be the best on it. Why you are so obsessed with the idea of being a boy? You aren't a boy." His mom tried to make him understand, trying to believe that it only was a confusing word choice.
"Mom… It's not that I hate girls or I like boys… I don't want to be a girl."
The next day his mom, completely disturbed and concerned, took him to the best psychologist in Daegu, hoping it would be a passing thing, a confusing period from adolescence. One by one specialist, no one asked him in any session if he was feeling okay, if he wanted to change something about his body, about his name, or how he was feeling about his period, that came every month to remember him the undeniable truth of his changing body. The time passed and his mom insisted to call him Yoonji, buy him dresses and nice girly things. She insisted on combing her hair, repeating how beautiful she looked as she grew to become a beautiful young girl. He didn’t feel beautiful, he didn’t have any self-esteem watching his hips accentuate, it only made him feel more miserable. It all led to the development of a deep depression and a very introverted personality, and every time he told his mom the hard time that he was living, she decided to change his therapist because it was not enough, and she wasn’t putting enough efforts to feel better. Again.
Yoongi was diagnosed with gender dysphoria at the age of 14, after two whole years passing by uncountable psychologists and psychiatrists that treated him as an ill person who has to be healed, convinced of being wrong, until Dr. Kim Seojin. She greeted him with a wide smile, a few jokes, and finally, for the first time, Yoongi felt safe in a medical consultation.
Dr. Kim summoned Yoongi's mother to joint therapy at his birthday, and at no time did she refer to him by his birth sex, only using his chosen pronoun.
"Yoonji, I know that your birth name makes you uncomfortable and is one of the causes of your depression and self-esteem problems. That's why I summoned your mother, to give both of you this space to talk about it. Your gender dysphoria exists since you were very young, but it manifested strongly two years ago, since your first period." Dr. Kim spoke slowly, calmly to give him and also his mom the correct environment to process all that information, offering a friendly hand to squeeze during all the therapy.
"I…" Yoongi doubt talking about his feelings once again, being so used to the idea of not being listened at all. "I thought everything would stand like this on my body, like… In a neutral point where I could be a girl and a boy at the same time, I don't want to choose. But if you make me choose… I want to be a boy. I don't hate girls, I just hate the idea of me being a girl, and everything that implies."
His mom started to cry, and Dr. Kim realized that they never allowed themselves to have his conversation at all. She looked at Yoongi again, and pulling the best encouraging smile, she continued.
"That's why I wanted to ask you, in this past two years, have you thought about your social name? The one which accurately reflects your gender identity?"
Yoongi burst into tears like he had not since that summer afternoon, and nodded. Her mother took his free hand, and smiled at him kindly, as he had expected for so long. The word validation made sense that early spring morning, and he felt happiness on his birthday after so many years.
So he decided that that day, that March 9, he had been born again. Finally, as Min Yoongi.
"Yoonji? Min Yoonji?" The nurse called his former name a second time, and Yoongi stood up in embarrassment at not having come the first one. People in the room look at him strangely, with that kind of look to which the boy had become accustomed after so many years, because the name didn't coincide with the person who had risen to its call.
His mind was rambling on the fact that he now was living alone in Seoul, in a small department in a lower district, working as a pizza boy in his free time after music school. His mom called him at least four times that morning, saddened for not be able to be with him on a special day like today.
Leaving those thoughts in a corner of his mind, he cleared his throat and approached the nurse boy, who tore his gaze away from the medical papers for a second to smile kindly and guiding him through the transparent door, into the endocrinology procedures area.
Adjusting his beanie to cover his recently shortened hair, still very insecure about the style he’ll have, he walked through the hallway of the medical center's laboratory, until the nurse boy stopped abruptly, colliding with Yoongi as his medical history fell to the floor. He turned sheepishly, bowing apologetically before bending down to pick up the things. Yoongi, not understanding anything, leaned over to help him, when the boy looked at him with deep sorrow.
"I'm sorry, your birth name is on the medical database and in your clinical history but, here says that you're here to start your hormonal therapy." The boy stood up, smiling amusedly because of the surprised expression on Yoongi's face. Never before an unknown person had apologized for naming him by his birth name; his official papers were not even ready yet, he presented himself with his chosen name in front of others only because of his conviction, because of his need to be recognized the way he wants. "Do you want to change it to your social name? To avoid problems the next time, since it will not be the only time you'll be around here."
Yoongi's gummy smile appeared. It was a long time since he didn't have smiled from the bottom of his heart, but being so thankful to the nurse boy he couldn't help it, nodding as they entered the room. Needles and small jars arranged in impeccable order awaited him on the procedure table, and a slight feeling of fear began to rise up his back. He swallowed with difficulty as the other boy started to talk again.
"My name is Hoseok, Jung Hoseok," The boy muttered, turning on the pressure gauge and putting on surgical gloves. "We'll see each other very often so, official presentations should be a must, hyung." He offered a hand to shake, and Yoongi hesitated before corresponding the gesture, a tiny warm feeling growing on his chest.
"Yoongi, Min Yoongi. It… It will hurt? It is my first time doing this kind of stuff since I was underage to start it before..."
Hoseok smiled again, little dimples showing at both sides of his mouth, offering him a calm and safe environment. "You're sitting in front of the best nurse in this wing of the laboratory, it will not hurt but if you feel anything uncomfortable or painful you must tell me, okay? Now, what kind of music do you like? We could listen to some during the process."
That day of June, Yoongi made his first real friend as a man.
The six lonely years that Yoongi had to wait to start his testosterone injections, after that particular and emotional session with Dr. Kim, were totally worth it after meeting one of his best friends, who ended up being the nurse technician in charge of his hormonal procedures.
To celebrate five years of hormone therapy, as well as his move to a larger apartment after getting this job in that particular production studio that he always spoke to the nurse during his monthly sessions, Hoseok took Yoongi to a karaoke bar in the Itaewon district. He now earned more than he could ever imagine, being able to allow himself to live in a better place and enjoy more with his friends. Jimin and his boyfriend joined the celebration too, Jimin as a friend of Yoongi from hormone therapy. His boyfriend, Taehyung, started to going out with them only because he would talk about fashion trends with Hoseok, who was very stylish outside his green scrubs.
They were laughing at the anecdotes of Taehyung being an intern in a well-known fashion design brand when the microphone turned on, making a high pitched sound, attracting all eyes went to the shy boy on stage. Dressed with an oversized baby blue shirt, tugged into a pair of tight black jeans, his long hair covered his eyes from where the group was seated until he put it behind his ear. And damn, Yoongi listened to a couple of sighs coming from the room, including the one he allowed himself to breathe out. The guy smiled at the girl helping him with the guitar, preparing all for the show.
Fridays were open mic, which is why Hoseok and Taehyung had chosen that particular bar in Itaewon. It was a place where they could make a fool of themselves with less fear than other bars without public karaoke. As they waited to get drunk a bit more to dare to go on stage, with Jimin's wail in between, the tuning sound of a microphone and an acoustic guitar drew completely the group's attention to the stage, leaving the jokes for later. A moment of complete silence stood in the bar, all the audience expectant; Yoongi, without realizing, held his breath to the adrenaline that anticipates throwing himself completely into a song, watching the boy sitting in front of everyone, waiting for the right moment to start. He opened his eyes and met Yoongi's, who remembered breathing when the boy started singing a cappella. He did not present the song, much less had he said his name, all that went into the background the moment he let himself go.
Hoseok and the other two boys whispered how well the boy sang, but Yoongi could not even comment at the time. He couldn't take his eyes off him, feeling that the only ground wire holding him was the cold glass of beer between his fingers. The guitar that accompanied him gave a melancholic vibe to the bar atmosphere, covered with whispers without the intention of interrupting the boy's performance at all.
"Hyung, isn't that the song you were working on until two weeks ago in the studio?" Jimin asked, impressed at not having recognized it at first, and Yoongi found himself hearing the melody above the boy's voice for the first time, re-knowing it. He nodded without looking at Jimin, surprised that it could sound so different, so real in the right voice.
He cleared his throat and, with the intention of taking a sip of beer before it warmed up, Yoongi brought the glass closer to his mouth, making the serious mistake of looking up again, noticing the boy were staring at him as in the beginning.
눈을 보고 말할래요 보고 싶었어요
I will look into your eyes and say I missed you
Momentarily choking on the drink, he felt the blush rising up his cheeks and ears, along with the smile that was present on the singer's face before entering the song's chorus. Jimin elbowed him in the ribs, in a silent playing to not interrupt Yoongi’s undisturbed attention on the singer, without daring to take the glass in what remained of the song, waiting for the deafening applause to take what remained of his Guinness in one sip. Then, he got up, disorientated.
How could they not have found a voice as expressive as that one for the song they released a week ago? In his head, he was trying to find some explanation, and as a producer, he was deeply frustrated with the work he had done to realize that what caused him discomfort at having worked it was always the voice of the new idol they were promoting.
Ignoring the spirits of his friends, who thought he was after the young singer when he got up from the table, he went into the bathroom to wash his face and put down that uncomfortable feeling growing in his chest and clouding his mind, trying to take him over again. The same one that was so present during his teenage years. He looked in the mirror and repeated to himself, there is nothing left to do, the song is a success if a boy like him sings it into a free microphone a week after releasing it, it is enough. You have done enough, this is not your fault.
The thought of not being enough for his job, or having got it by luck, completely devastated him. His mind trail was becoming stronger when he returned to the table and he looked at it. He was sitting right there, right? Because he was unable to believe his own eyes (or his good luck). The young singer was sharing at the same table with his friends, being Jimin's acquaintance, both from Busan.
"Yah, who would have thought that I would meet Jungkookie here after so long. Did you come to Seoul to study? Now you have four hyungs to spoil you so you won't even have time to feel alone in a city as big as this. Jimin joked with Taehyung, Hoseok offering to ask for something for him but the minor declined the offer. He turned as if waiting for Yoongi to return from the bathroom, surprised to find him there, undaunted, observing the scene.
"Oh... Jungkookie, this is Yoongi-hyung. He is the producer of the song you just sang, isn't he great?" Jimin groped, with a playful look and an evil smile, noting from the first moment the attraction between them. But neither dared to say the first word, so sitting next to the minor, he hit him lightly on the arm. "Yah, it's rude not to say hello, come on."
Jungkook felt his ears heat up, embarrassed, before bowing in 45°, respectfully to the incredible person he was meeting, getting up to look at him with stars in his eyes and a bunny smile that disarmed the oldest in an instant. Yoongi, returning the greeting and approaching to sit next Jungkook, armed himself with all the courage his body could accumulate and smiled carefully.
"If Jiminie had told me that he had such a talented dongsaeng, you could have been the performer of that song, Jungkook-ah. I feel challenged with such an original version of my song, do you have any other ideas in that head that could serve this humble boy?" Yoongi jokes, while Jimin complained about leaving the new maknae of the group alone, stroking Taehyung's hair, who was already planning his show alongside Hoseok.
Jungkook laughed loudly, wrinkling his nose as he threw his head back, returning with an amused and embarrassed expression, and Yoongi's chest tightened. He forgot to breathe again, what kind of first meeting was this?
For the rest of the night, even after witnessing the shameful show of Hoseok and Taehyung singing and dancing Girls Generation's Gee being completely drunk, Jungkook and Yoongi kept talking. Jungkook was interested in Yoongi's work, and thus he learned that the boy was not that into music while studying Kinesiology and participating in some sports teams at his university. Music was just a hobby to Jungkook, something to release some of the university stress, and Yoongi couldn't understand the cruelty with which the world sometimes worked.
But, what most curious him was the closeness he felt from the youngest. They didn't part in all the time since Jimin introduced them, and when the time to go arrived it had hints of hope when Jungkook exchanged numbers with him, winking at Yoongi as he tucked the oversized shirt into his tight black jeans before carrying in his strong arms a wasted Taehyung into a taxi, while Yoongi held Hoseok. The boy was a public danger, too perfect to be true but-
Was he dreaming? Had he winked at him?
Would he have done it because he is a producer, because of his job or the age gap? The very idea made him feel a deep emptiness in his stomach, the anxiety rising until Hoseok spoke wisely even being so drunk.
"I think I have never seen you so into someone you just had known, Yoongi-yah," he looked at him boldly, forgetting the honorifics and all but Yoongi didn’t mind. He wanted to listen to what he had to say. "You deserve some fun and love… Even if you forget that time to time. Or at all."
Was it possible that a boy like Jungkook, the ideal of many, could notice him?
Notice someone like him... That never had been anyone's first choice.
Because he was broken, in many ways that he feared Jungkook could not understand.