Chapter Text
When Jisung told his dad that for Father’s Day he would start cleaning out and organizing the attic, he really didn’t have any nefarious intent. Sure, Jisung was hoping he might find some of his dad’s old things that clued him into what his dad was like when he was younger; Jisung may or may not have also hoped that he would specifically find some clues of what his dad’s love life was like. What Jisung was not trying to do or expecting to happen was to find his father’s diary from when he was eighteen.
And, well, what was Jisung supposed to do, pretend like he didn’t see it? Not read the diary? Of course not. Jisung did the logical thing anyone would do when finding their parent’s top secret diary from when they were young-- he hid it from his dad until he found the appropriate time to read it alone.
Six months had passed since Jisung found the diary, and he had more or less forgotten about it-- until his boyfriend proposed, that is.
Chenle, sweet, perfect Chenle asked Jisung to marry him on the beach under the stars after a romantic, candlelit dinner despite the fact that Chenle only wanted to sign some papers to be legally married. Instead he pulled out all the stops knowing that Jisung dreamed of a big, white wedding.
Jisung still didn’t think of the diary that night though. He did, however, when he called his dad the next morning to share the news.
Jaemin was ecstatic for his only child, though he was also noticeably cautious.
“I can’t believe my Jisungie is engaged… you’re still so young, you’re still just a baby,” he had said. “I was once young and in love before, you know? Too young… I was foolish.”
“Dad,” Jisung whined, “this is different. I’m graduating this year and I’ve been dating Chenle since I was seventeen, it’s not like we’re rushing or anything.”
Of course, Jaemin refuted Jisung’s claim that they weren’t rushing when he told his father he and Chenle wanted to have the wedding in six months by the end of June. As Jaemin ranted to his son about how much he would have to set up at the hotel for the wedding, Jisung remembered the diary he had found and swore he would read it as soon as he returned home since he had left in his room.
“Hey dad?” Jisung cut off Jaemin. “Don’t clean my room, I’ll do that when I get home, okay?”
“Ooh are you hiding something?”
“No, dad, it’s just-- it’s my responsibility and--”
“Don’t worry Jisungie, I won’t snoop. Besides, there are some things a dad just doesn’t want to know.” Jaemin giggled.
Almost a year had passed by the time Jisung finally read his dad’s diary. It had been two weeks since he graduated college, ten days since he last saw Chenle, five days since he had come back home, and there were twenty days until the wedding.
Since coming home, Jisung had been busy with wedding planning and catching up with the few hotel staff and many locals, but after those five days, he finally had some alone time as his dad went to pick up his friends when they arrived on the island.
Jisung seized the opportunity to take the diary he had hidden in his closet, sneak out of the hotel, and hide in the trees near the beach. Jisung checked the area to make sure it was void of people. Confident he was alone, Jisung sat on the rich soil with his back against rough bark, and opened the diary.
June 1, 1998
Today I graduated from high school, and I don’t know what to do now. I only got through high school because I promised Jinhee I would. Everyday I thought just get through this, then you can do whatever you want, but now that I’m through it, I don’t know what I want. Hyuck says that’s normal, but he and Renjun have plans to start university in the fall, so I’m not sure I trust him.
I think I’ll call Jinhee tomorrow and ask her what she thinks. I wish she could have come to visit me, but I’m sure it’s difficult to travel when you’re pregnant. I probably wouldn’t want to go anywhere if I was carrying a whole baby inside of me.
I guess that makes me think of something I do want. When Jinhee has her baby I’ll come live with her for a while and be the best uncle ever! That’s something to look forward to. I also apparently have a hangover to look forward to since Hyuck is ordering me to stop reflecting and take a shot.
June 2, 1998
Once I got over the massive hangover I had this morning, courtesy of Renjun and Donghyuck, I called Jinhee like I said I would. Jinhee told me she felt like she didn’t have any direction until she got pregnant. I guess it’s too bad I can’t do the same :(
I was really shocked when she told me that though. Between mom completely cutting both of us off because of the pregnancy and my overly flamboyant homosexuality and Jinhee’s boyfriend abandoning her when he found out, I wouldn’t think that that time would’ve been great for her. Jinhee’s the strongest person I know… I don’t know what I would do without her. She told me to figure out what I want I have to go out looking for it. So… I booked a flight to Paris. I probably took what she said too literally, but that was all I could think to do.
My flight leaves tomorrow morning. Donghyuck and Renjun are currently helping me pack, and weirdly enough, trying not to cry. I’ll miss them too. I know they’ll come visit me when I ask them, but I’m not sure when that’ll be yet.
Hopefully after a couple of days in France I’ll have an idea of where I’m going next. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing, but I’ll figure it out as I go. It’s not like I have any sort of deadline to be home by.
June 3, 1998
God, travelling is exhausting. I landed in Paris this morning and all I managed to do was eat lunch before I got to a hotel and slept. Considering how late it is, I’ve decided to not go out tonight so that I can get used to the time difference. Instead, I’ve been coming up with a list of things to do while I’m here. Obviously the Eiffel Tower is a must, so I’ll be going there tomorrow to kick it all off. I’ll definitely be checking out all of the fancy French food, and hopefully I’ll meet some cute French boys while I’m at it. I should try to sleep now, or at least lay down.
June 4, 1998
I went to the Eiffel Tower today then checked out Bastille. Paris is a great city to take pictures, the whole landscape is just so photogenic. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to send some of the pictures I end up taking to Donghyuck and Renjun, they’ll love it.
I unfortunately did not meet any cute French boys today, but it’s only day 1 here, so there’s always tomorrow! I have all of my days planned out in France, so tonight I’ve decided that my next stop is going to be Greece. I won’t be leaving for Greece for a week and a half though, and I think once I’m there I’ll call Hyuck and Junnie to see if they’ll come with me. I’m enjoying Paris, but I think I would enjoy it more if my friends were here. I guess I need to get used to travelling alone.
Tomorrow I’ll be going to the Musée d'Orsay. I have no idea how to say that (apparently my French needs a lot of work), but I’ve heard the artwork is pretty great there. If I have time I think I’ll go to the Louvre as well. If not, I guess I’ll just push that to tomorrow.
June 7, 1998
I finally met a cute boy today! He’s not French, but that hardly matters since his French is much better than mine and his cuteness totally makes up for it. His name is Yangyang.
I met him in the Luxembourg Gardens. We had a picnic then he took me to see an opera at the Palais Garnier. It was an interesting experience, and I’m not sure if I’d do it again-- see an opera, that is. The date with Yangyang was fun, and I think I’ll see him again. He said that tomorrow he wants to go on a river cruise down the Seine with me. I think I’ll take him up on that offer. Yangyang was so fun to be around. He made me laugh so much, so many people gave us dirty looks during the opera, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.
Yangyang dresses like a rebel with his leather jacket and eyeliner, but after one conversation with him it’s clear he isn’t. He’s too sweet. He likes to think of himself as a rebel though. Yangyang told me his father wants him to study business in college, but Yangyang decided to study Politics and Philosophy at Oxford instead. He thinks of that as his act of rebellion, and I’m not sure how to tell him that it’s not that rebellious. Yangyang does want to help people above all else though, and that is admittedly, very punk of him.
So Yangyang must be the guy my dad loved, Jisung thought. The timeline did add up. Jaemin had always told Jisung that he fell in love the summer he was eighteen. But Jaemin had also written in his diary that he was leaving France soon after he met Yangyang, did he really fall in love with him in a few days? Jisung kept reading, hoping to find out more.
June 13, 1998
Today was my last day in Paris. I spent the whole week with Yangyang, and today was no different. I hadn’t told Yangyang that I was leaving today, but he still managed to make today extra special. I meant to tell Yangyang I was leaving, I really did, but I just never found the right moment.
He took me to the Parc des Buttes-Chaumont, which I had no idea existed, but I’m glad I got to visit it anyway. It was gorgeous and I got to take the most beautiful pictures. Someone even offered to take some pictures of me and Yangyang. Of course, it wouldn’t be a date with Yangyang if he didn’t take me somewhere totally upscale. So, by the end of the night, we went to have an expensive meal that Yangyang, always the gentleman, paid for. Yangyang asked me to go back to his place after that and well how could I say no to sweet, kind, funny Yangyang? One thing led to another and...
But here I am now. I left Yangyang a note. I had to leave to pack up since the boat to Greece leaves at the asscrack of dawn. Which is soon, so I should probably leave so that I don’t miss my boat.
June 14, 1998
So I ended up missing my boat. But I lucked out! There was some man at the dock with his own boat that offered to take me to Kalokairi. I didn’t really have any other choice, so I went with him. I know it was super risky to just leave with a stranger offering to take me to an island, but he was really really hot and he seemed trustworthy enough. And well, I’m alive and writing this, so he hasn’t brutally murdered me yet! And I don’t think he will, he said he’s from Canada. He also told me his name is Mark Lee, so if I am murdered, this diary entry should be incriminating enough. I hope.
Mark Lee is going into his third year of college and is studying music production. He’s raps too, and he’s actually really good. Mark played me his mix and usually that would be, well, a mood killer. But Mark has a lot of talent and the mix was surprisingly fantastic.
I asked Mark why a music production major is doing picking up pretty boys with a boat. He said he doesn’t usually do this, which gives me a bit of comfort. It’s very easy to fluster Mark. Regardless, apparently boating is Mark’s hobby. A very weird hobby, if you ask me, but who am I to say so when his hobby is saving me from being stranded in France?
Although Mark is always so distraught when I flirt with him, the man has no qualms about flirting back. I really didn’t mean to get with another guy so soon after Yangyang, in fact, I didn’t really think I’d actually be hooking up with anyone on this trip but then one thing led to another and… Mark is just really charming. And he is taking me to Kalokairi.
Jisung was slightly disturbed by how much his dad was getting around, it wasn’t really something he needed to know. But did this mean Jaemin ended up falling in love with Mark? Or was he using Mark to get over Yangyang? Jisung couldn’t tell yet, and despite the fact that he was learning a bit more about his dad than he had initially wanted to, he continued reading.
June 15, 1998
Mark ended up dropping me off at the island, he said he would be back in about a week, but couldn’t stay right now. Luckily I wanted to explore the island by myself first anyway. The locals were all very friendly with me, and I ended up in a bar where I befriended the owner, Jaehyun. Jaehyun offered me a job while I’m staying in Kalokairi. I took it, if I wanted to travel more it was probably wise for me to start earning and saving some money.
As I started looking for a place to stay, I came across an abandoned plot of land that had a huge farmhouse. I decided to stay there, for now at least. I hoped I could bring in some things to make it a bit more liveable, but the bare essentials were fine with me for now.
I know I’ve only spent a day here, but there’s something enchanting about Kalokairi. I feel like I’m supposed to be here, and it feels like this farmhouse was left abandoned for me to stay in.
June 17, 1998
This morning I called Renjun and Donghyuck and asked them to come visit me in Kalokairi. Obviously they said yes, but they won’t be here until the 25th, though I’m lucky they’re even able to come that soon. Then I called Jinhee and gave her an update. I probably should have avoided telling her how I took a stranger’s boat to Kalokairi, she really chewed me out for that one. Jinhee let me know that she’s due for the first week of July, so I told her I’d come back to Korea with Donghyuck and Renjun.
As much as I’m enjoying my time in Kalokairi, I’m really excited to go meet my nephew. I think Jinhee is even willing to come to Kalokairi once she’s recovered. I told her all about it on the phone, and I really think she would love it here as much as I do. I miss her a lot. With everything I’m seeing I can’t help but think about how much she would love it too, and how much I wish she was here with me.
I had a pretty brief shift at Jaehyun’s today, so I decided to spend the rest of my time exploring it. It was a lot bigger than I expected. On the way there a huge storm hit the island. I ran home and tried to find a spot where the rain wasn’t leaking into the house. I ended up finding a horse that was trapped in its stable. It was clearly spooked, so I tried to calm it down enough to get it out, but everytime I moved it freaked out again.
When I ran towards the village to find help, some guy with a motorcycle almost ran me over. I recruited the stranger to help me with the horse and we managed to get it out safely.
To thank the stranger I took him to Jaehyun’s where he introduced himself as Jeno, and architecture student studying in America. When I asked Jeno what he was doing in Greece he said he didn’t know, and we bonded over travelling to find something. I told Jeno I think I might be finding something here and he looked at me and said he did too. I have to admit, that boy was smooth when he wasn’t trying. Jeno ended up coming back to the barn with me. He offered to help fix up the land if I let him stay here, and I agreed.
June 20, 1998
I had the day off today, so Jeno and I spent the morning at Jaehyun’s talking about renovating the farmhouse. I told him I dreamed of fixing it up and making the land a hotel. I wanted more people to visit Kalokairi and experience its awe and wonder just like I did, and I thought opening a grand hotel would attract more tourists. Jeno was just as enthusiastic about my dream and ended up sketching out a whole plan for the hotel on the back of Jaehyun’s paper menus. We were so excited as we pictured it in our minds that we bought supplies at a hardware store and ran back to the farmhouse to begin renovating it.
I never thought renovation could be so fun. The day passed by so quickly, and by the end of it I ended up setting up a real room for Jeno and I to stay in while Jeno worked on fixing the roof so that rain couldn’t get in. I began to picture a future that I wanted for myself independent of anyone else for the first time. I was so happy, and Jeno had helped me so much, and I ended up kissing him. I honestly didn’t think Jeno would kiss me back, but he did. One thing led to another and…
I couldn't wait to call Jinhee and tell her the ideas Jeno and I came up with together. It was thanks to her that this had all happened. I wanted to share with her the happiness I felt.
Another man? Jisung thought. He hoped that there wasn’t another coming up soon. He was struggling enough trying to figure out if Jaemin had loved the three he had already been with.
June 24, 1998
I made Jeno leave today. We had made so much progress on the farmhouse and I knew if I wanted to make more I needed him, but I made him leave. Jeno had left to go to the hardware store to buy paint. I had set up the room we were going to paint, and as I was looking for the paint brushes I found a picture of Jeno with a woman. A woman with a ring on the hand that was placed on Jeno’s chest. I knew immediately that they were engaged before I even read the note she had written on the back of the photo.
I cried and when Jeno came back home I yelled at him to leave. I really didn’t want an explanation, it hurt enough to know he was lying and I didn’t want to hear more lies and excuses for those lies. I told him to be gone by the time I came back from Jaehyun’s, so when I came back home, the only trace of him was in the renovations on the farmhouse. Jeno knew when to not push my boundaries.
I wished I had stayed in Paris with Yangyang, where he was always kind to me and never expected anything in return. Or that Mark didn’t have to leave when he dropped me off here, and we could have spent carefree days on his boat. I wouldn’t have met Jeno either way, which would have been better. All of my decisions were so foolish.
Jisung’s heart ached for his father. He couldn’t imagine going through all of that. Jisung was able to come to a sort of understanding as to why his dad was so scared of his being in love so young. He wished he could also understand who his dad loved, but all of the candidates seemed to still fit the description.
June 25, 1998
Renjun and Donghyuck arrived in Kalokairi today. I didn’t realize how much I missed them until I ran into their arms and we all started crying. I took them to the farmhouse and showed them what I began turning it into. I shared my vision for it with them then broke down again. When I told them what had happened, they decided to take me out to drink, so we went to Jaehyun’s. We barely drank anything, but Donghyuck and Renjun made me laugh so hard that I already felt so much better. It somehow got even better because Mark showed up.
When I introduced him to my friends, Hyuck was immediately charmed and Renjun was soon bought over. Mark said he’d take us out on his boat if we wanted, and I definitely wanted to go, so the four of us spent the rest of the day boating. I ended up spending the rest of the night on the boat while Donghyuck and Renjun stayed at the farmhouse. Mark brought out his guitar and played songs for me while I looked through the pictures I had taken since arriving in Kalokairi. I almost deleted the ones of Jeno and the ones he took of me, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew Mark could tell I was sad, but he just kissed my forehead and began softly singing while he played.
June 28, 1998
I realized recently that Hyuck has a thing for Mark-- which is totally understandable. So I’ve decided to try to make my relationship with Mark just friendly, because I knew Hyuck wouldn’t say anything because he didn’t want to hurt me, but I didn’t want to hurt him either.
Unfortunately that’s a lot easier said than done because Mark is just so gosh darn considerate! Because he wants me to be happier than I was the first day he came back to the island, he keeps taking me out and I just can’t find it in myself to disappoint him and turn him down. I just hope I’m not hurting Hyuckie that much.
I called Jinhee again today to tell her about my dilemma. She didn’t have much advice, but she did tell me she thinks she’s going to go into labor really soon. I’m sad that that means that I’ll be leaving Kalokairi soon, but I’m filled with so much joy when I think about seeing Jinhee again. I asked her to take some final pictures with her baby bump since I haven’t seen her since she was 4 months along. I can’t wait to see those pictures considering how delighted she is to have her baby; I just know she’ll look radiant.
June 30, 1998
This morning I received a call. When I picked up, I thought it would be Jinhee. I even expected her to tell me she had given birth and that I should come home as soon as I can. But it wasn’t Jinhee. I didn’t know who it was but they asked me if I was Jinhee’s brother. I asked if it was the hospital calling for Jinhee to tell me she had given birth. They told me she had. I was thrilled, and my heart leaped for joy, only for it to try to jump out of my throat at the information that followed. Jinhee had given birth to a slightly underweight, mostly healthy baby boy, but she had pregnancy complications and had passed soon after. I was the only family Jinhee had left since we had lost our father long ago and our mom had cut us off. I can’t help but wonder if she would ever learn of her own daughter’s death. I had to decide if I would come and take care of the baby, or else they would have to put him up for adoption. I said I would be there tomorrow morning to pick him up. I could never hurt Jinhee by leaving her son behind.
I’m so scared. I don’t know what I’ll do without my big sister. I’m so young, I’m just a baby too. How am I supposed to take care of a child when I just started learning how to take care of myself? Jinhee was the one who always took care of me when I couldn’t.
I kept replaying the last conversation I had with Jinhee in my head. I was supposed to see her again. I couldn’t comprehend that when I came back to Korea, I wouldn’t. I couldn’t understand that the last time I ever talked to her was 2 days ago and that the last time I ever saw her was five months ago. I should have been there for her during her whole pregnancy instead of in a different country at school when she needed me. She must have been so stressed and so scared going through all of that alone. Jinhee is so strong. I should have been there I should have known.
Jisung put down the diary and wiped the tears from his face that didn’t seem to stop coming. Of course he knew this story, but Jaemin had never told him the extent of what he had to go through losing his sister and having to raise him at the same time.
Jisung had never known his mother, but Jaemin had told him everything about Jinhee and how she would have been an amazing mom. Jisung never had to go through the loss of his mother and he never even knew her, but it still hurt. Jaemin loved her and Jisung loved his dad, so he knew Jinhee was everything Jaemin made her out to be.
Jisung picked the diary back up once he was able to see without tears blocking his vision. There were two entries left.
July 1, 1998
Today has been the longest day of my life. Last night Renjun, Donghyuck, and I left on a red eye to Seoul. I didn’t say goodbye to Mark because I didn’t know how to and I couldn’t waste time anyway. I told Jaehyun I had to leave. He didn’t ask me why, but he did ask if I had been staying in the farmhouse. He told me he owned that land and that if I ever came back, I was free to stay there however long I wanted. I hope I can take that offer.
When we landed, the three of us went to the hospital. It took awhile for us to be able to see Jinhee’s baby, but when we did, I asked to hold him. When I held him in my arms I couldn’t help but crying again. It felt like my whole life had been leading up to this moment and all this time I had just been waiting for you, my baby. The poor thing had never been held by his mother. He had been alone without her for all of his life and had never been held by someone who loved him. I was the first one. I promised I would hold him forever, even when he was too big to fit in my arms.
I named him Jisung. Jinhee had shared all of her name ideas with me, and I had always liked Jisung the most, and when I saw him for the first time, I felt like Jinhee wanted me to name him Jisung.
I wasn’t able to take Jisung home yet, so Renjun, Donghyuck, and I sat in a cafe near the hospital and I started working on funeral preparations. Junnie and Hyuck said I should rest, but I just wanted to get it over with. I’m honestly glad I did. I was able to schedule a ceremony for Jinhee in a few days. I wanted to be able to focus on Jisung. I hoped that I could take him home tomorrow, so once I was more or less done with taking care of the funeral, we went to Jinhee’s apartment to sort through her things and prepare a space for Jisung.
It was hard going through Jinhee’s things. I knew it would pretty much all be mine, but I could only think of it all as hers. Her room was set up with a crib for Jisung. Jinhee had bought so many things for him: toys, clothes, food. She was so excited to introduce him to his home. I was so lucky she had prepared all of this. I was so lucky to have my best friends by my side to help.
All I can hope for now is that Jinhee will be proud of me, and her son, Jisung.
September 1, 1998
Yesterday Renjun and Donghyuck had to leave because today is their first day of classes. Today I went back to Kalokairi with Jisung. I’m so lucky to have him as my baby, he was surprisingly calm for a majority of the flight, only having trouble with take off and landing. When I finally got off the boat and stepped onto the island, it felt like I was breathing for the first time since Jinhee passed. Kalokairi is where I’m meant to be.
It’s melancholy though. I still wish I was able to share this place with Jinhee and make my dream come true with her by my side, supporting me. But I also get to share this life with Jisung. He will grow with my dream, and as he grows I will watch him develop dreams of his own and get to support him. I think that that is enough to make me happy even if my heart still aches for Jinhee.
I went to see Jaehyun first. He welcomed me back like nothing had happened and he was thrilled to meet little Jisungie. Of course, he allowed me to live at the farmhouse, though he had a condition this time: that I would make it into a hotel just as I had wanted to last time I was here. When he brought up the hotel my chest still tightened as I thought of Yangyang, Mark, and Jeno, and everything I had done. I loved so much, but as a result I lost a great deal. I am in love even now. But I still wanted it. I cannot find it in me to fully regret my actions when I am standing here right now, ready to cross the threshold from dream into reality.
I learned that Jaehyun has kids of his own, and a husband to complete the set. I was relieved when he told me he and his husband would help me take care of Jisung if I wanted. Jisung may have been fairly docile compared to the average infant, but he was still a lot to take care of even with Renjun and Donghyuck helping-- I still had so much to learn.
I want to be a good dad. I will be a good dad, I swear. Jisung, my baby, I will always love you and take care of you. Baby, you are my love and my life.
Jisung’s eyes were still watery. He caressed the final pages of the diary, ready to close the book, but when he flipped the page, pictures slid out. Jisung was shocked to find pictures of his dad when he was young and pictures of men that were presumably the ones he wrote about.
Jisung had to give his dad credit where it was due-- all of the guys in the pictures were extremely good looking. Among the pictures of the boys, Jisung found one of a young woman, standing proudly with her hands resting on her swollen stomach. Her face glowed and her happiness was tangible. This woman was clearly Jinhee. Jisung could see the resemblance between her and Jaemin.
Jisung lifted the photo, touched Jinhee’s face and then his own. It was hard to believe that this was the woman that sacrificed so much just to give him life. He pocketed the photo and in that moment made a decision that he hoped he wouldn’t regret.
Jisung ran back to the hotel, and in his room he wrote out three letters to Liu Yangyang, Mark Lee, and Lee Jeno.