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i.
“Wow, the room is even smaller than I remember it. Tony really wasn’t exaggerating when he said the rent is low for a reason,” Amy teases as she walks around in the four walls that would be her home now. Her index and middle finger slide over the shelf that is attached to the wall over the bed to see if her brother dusted the room before leaving it behind. She’s pleasantly surprised that her fingers are still the same tan color as before when she checks for an answer.
She turns around to where Jake is standing. He’s leaned against the door frame, arms crossed and his famous teasing grin on his lips. “I mean if you don’t want the room I’d be happy to rent it to someone else. I heard there’s a bridge downtown that has some room for you to live under.”
Rolling her eyes, she lets herself down on the bed. “I think I’m good.” In a more serious tone, she adds, “For real though, thanks for letting me move in here.”
“‘Course,” he instantly replies. “I survived with one Santiago so the next one can’t be that bad, right?”
“Sure. Keep telling yourself that if it means you won’t kick me out.”
He chuckles and uncrosses his arms and Amy realizes how glad she is to already be this comfortable with her new roommate. Sure, she doesn’t know him well yet, she only met him twice over the last two Thanksgivings since Tony invited him to spend it with their family, and the one time when she visited her brother in Brooklyn, but she still likes him. He has always been polite and charming towards everyone in the family, helping with dinner, playing with her little cousins and lightening up the dinner table with jokes and funny anecdotes.
There's one specific memory she cherishes with him from the day they first met, or more specifically the night of it. It wasn't like that, but she hadn't been able to sleep so she went to the patio to get some fresh air where she was met by Jake who had a similar thought. She's not even sure how it came to that but they ended up playing the card game that was lying on the table and it was one of those moments where you connect with someone right away, probably because they quickly discovered that they're both equally competitive and had to try their best to keep quiet as to not wake anyone else in the house up. It was light and fun and maybe that was the reason why they both ended up opening up about the reason for their sleepless night. He told her that he usually hates Thanksgiving because it reminds him of his dad leaving and his memories connected to the holiday aren't the best while she told him she's tired of her family always comparing her to her siblings, specifically David, during gatherings like that.
Of course she took a liking in him and when she decided to move to Brooklyn just when Tony moved out because he finished college and found a job in New York City, she didn't say no when he suggested that she takes over his old room. Besides, Tony is probably the one person she trusts the most about basically anything and not only are him and Jake close friends but he also trusts his ex roommate enough to live with his little sister so there was no reason for her to have doubts.
Her eyes take the room in one more time and she can’t stand how blank and boring it looks anymore. Even though she was thankfully left with a bed, shelves and a dresser, there’s still a lot she needs to do before this room can feel at least remotely like home. It’s like Jake read her mind because before she can even get up, he asks, “Do you need help unpacking?”, which she affirms.
Although her boxes are still at the front door, with the help of Jake she gets the ones meant for her bedroom into it quicker than she expected. Some are filled with clothes, others with decorations, but she hands her new roommate the one that’s filled with books because it’s the only one where she knows for sure he won’t be met with her bra or embarrassing pictures of her.
“Are you nervous for the academy?” she curiously asks him as he’s stacking her shelves and she’s filling her closet. It would definitely be helpful to have a roommate that follows the same career path as her, even if he’s a few years older and she’s only starting her Criminology major in college while he’s starting at the police academy soon.
He shrugs so nonchalantly that she’s almost envious of his carefree nature. “Kinda nervous, mostly excited,” he explains. “What about you and your first day at a new college?”
“Mostly nervous. Kinda excited,” she counters and from the corner of her eyes she can see that he grins. She’s not the biggest fan of change but she was offered a scholarship here and wanted to change her major anyway so she would have been foolish if she rejected the offer.
It’s silent for a while and it’s comfortable but Amy still breaks it when she remembers something. “Hey, I was thinking that we could come up with some rules for living together.“
He scrunches his nose. “Rules?”
“Yes, rules. The most important part of… basically everything.”
“I disagree but go.”
She thinks for a moment before suggesting, “We should have a cleaning schedule. I can create one and we’ll just pin it on the fridge or something.” The one thing her brother warned her about was that Jake is a messy person and she hasn’t seen his room yet but she was told that it looks like it could come straight out of her nightmares. She’s pretty sure that he on the other hand was warned that Amy is an anally clean person that might show symptoms of OCD. Either way, a cleaning schedule would ensure that at least their shared spaces are bearable for both of them.
Jake seems to agree because he doesn't argue. “What about bills? Groceries and all that. Because I’ll have you know that I’m in crushing debt.”
“We’ll just split everything necessary and we can buy everything else on our own.”
They continue like that for a while, exchanging allergies (“You can’t bring a dog into the apartment, I’m really allergic.” “Well, you can’t bring bees or wasps.” “Why and how would I even do that?”), around what time they want it to be quiet unless the other specifically asks for permission (Jake manages to get Amy down from 9:30 to 12 am and he brags about it so much that she almost takes it back) and what time they get up at (“What? Is it even humanly possible to wake up at 7 am every day?” “You could do it too if you went to bed at 9:30.”). Although they disagree on basically everything they still manage to find a compromise and it’s actually going pretty well.
“Okay, I have one more thing,” Amy announces as she grabs the next and last box of clothes and starts unpacking its content. “Sound level. I’m fine with you being as loud as you want during the day just please, put in headphones when you’re listening to crappy music.”
Jake has finished sorting the books, so he’s just lazily sitting on her bed. “I’m not sure if we have the same idea of crappy music but sure, we’ll avoid annoying noise when possible.”
She nods and smiles. “We’re done here then. I don’t really need help with anything else at the moment so don’t worry if you wanna leave.” She’s proud of them for coming up with such a good set of rules and she’s secretly excited to write them all down and pin them on the fridge with their schedules.
“Actually,” Jake begins. “I have one more rule.”
Surprised, she stops folding her clothes for a moment and turns towards him instead. “What’s up?”
“I thought we should establish a rule about not getting involved. You know, romantic stylez.”
She almost laughs. It’s not because Jake is so hideous that the idea of them together would be amusing to her, not at all, he definitely looked even better since the last time she saw him with his wild curls that hid most of his face while the shorter, nonetheless curly hair makes him look more mature and frankly, really good. His personality is definitely intriguing and attractive to her as well if you ignore the fact that they're complete opposites, but it’s just the idea of her hooking up with her roommate that is so ridiculous to her. She has enough willpower to stop herself from getting involved ‘romantic styles’. However, rules are always important and necessary.
“Yes. Good rule,” she agrees. “No crushes, no kissing, just friendship.”
Jake looks relieved as he nods. “Okay, great.” While that seemed genuine, he cheekily adds, “I know it’ll be hard to live with someone as attractive as me and not being able to do anything about it but just know it’s for the better.”
She just tells him to shut up and he grins before telling her to let him know if she needs any more help and when she promises to do so he leaves the room and closes the door behind him.
It’s quiet for approximately two minutes when she hears a Pop song carry through the walls almost as loudly as it must be in his room. “You’re breaking the rules, no crappy loud music,” she calls over the sound, knocking against the wall once.
“Taylor Swift is not crappy, you take that back,” he yells back from the other side.
She rolls her eyes but grins, especially when the music is turned lower right afterwards.
It might not be easy but living with Jake would definitely be fun.
ii.
“Jake, your eyes aren’t even moving, stop just pretending to be studying and start actually doing it,” Amy calls him out and he blinks, realizing he spaced out in the middle of reading a book for the academy.
He looks at her but she’s not looking at him anymore because she’s too focused on her school work, highlighting and writing down things with her many organized pens in the neatest handwriting he has ever seen. Meanwhile he can’t even get through one chapter, which makes him groan. “Not everyone can be as much of a nerd as you,” he remarks.
“Flattery won’t get you out of this either.”
For a moment he’s not sure if she’s messing with him or if she actually thinks that it was a compliment, though the latter is a lot more likely, but he thinks both options are adorable. Fuck. Those are exactly the thoughts he should not be having.
He quickly tries to distract himself from them by thinking of all the annoying things she does that have driven him crazy in the two months that they’ve been living together now, like the way she almost set the place on fire when she tried to cook once, how she’s unable to go to bed when the kitchen is still dirty, the times she accidentally woke him up by dropping something in the bathroom at ungodly early hours, or how she sometimes manages to convince him to join her when she’s studying in the living room, like right now. But then his thoughts wander to the way that she promised to never use the stove again with a red face because she was so embarrassed and how she sometimes cleans even when it’s his turn because it relaxes her, how she profoundly apologizes when she’s too loud in the morning and leaves a cup of coffee for him with a note that says ‘Sorry again!’ that he sees when she’s long gone and his morning has only begun, and lastly that she cares enough about him to push him to use his potential and pass his exams.
Still, he doesn’t like Amy in a way that would make him think she’s adorable. He can’t and he doesn’t. Maybe he used to like her but if he did then it's long gone. It’s like a mantra repeating in his head.
Once again he’s too consumed on his thoughts to focus on the words in front of him and once again Amy must have noticed because before he can see her, he can feel her abandoning her seat at the table and sitting down next to where he is on the couch. The feeling of her thigh against his startles him for just a second. “What are you even studying? Maybe I can help.”
It’s a gentle and nice offer, but it stirs feelings, which is something that Jake is extremely uncomfortable with so he chuckles. “You just started your Criminology major, I’m not sure how fit you are to help me.”
She arches an eyebrow and looks at him with so much skepticism that he immediately changes his mind. “Just show me, will you?” she demands and rips the book out of his hands.
Her brows are slightly furrowed and she absentmindedly bites her lip as she reads what he is supposed to be reading. The concentration on her face reminds him of the first time he saw her like that two years ago when they first interacted. They had had a lot of laughs and earnest moment but most of the time Amy’s face was just as focused as it is right now because she couldn’t stand the thought of losing at that card game.
He started liking her the same night.
It wasn’t like he instantly developed feelings for her, they barely talked the rest of the weekend because it turns out the Santiagos are an even bigger family than Tony first led on, but he started liking her in a way that said Hey She’s Really Smart And Funny And Has A Beautiful Smile And Personality I Wonder If She’s Single. It turned out that she wasn’t.
The Thanksgiving after that however, she was single and they sat next to each other through dinner and bickered and shared laughs the whole time. It reminded him of the way he felt when he first met her and he once again wished he would get to spend more time with her but they lived in different cities so he saw no point in asking her out.
The third time they met was brief because she visited Tony for a day on her way to a different city and all he remembers is that she said she’s going there for math camp, which made him laugh and tease her but also secretly think it’s cute how dorky she is, and that she changed up her hair, which makes her look even better. After she left her brother mentioned that she’s thinking about moving to Brooklyn and Jake was excited because it could mean that he would finally have the chance to get to know her, which he still desperately wanted, as he noticed then. But then Tony told him he has to move out, which already bummed him out because he really likes his friend, and that he wanted to offer Amy the free room if it was okay with Jake, which once again bummed him out a little. He still said yes, of course, since he knew that finding an affordable place in Brooklyn is straight up hell and he isn’t selfish enough to make her go through that just because he’s attracted to her but it still bummed him out the tiniest bit.
The number one rule of roommates is not to get romantically involved, he knows that and it’s exactly why he came up with the rule that is now hanging on the fridge - as self preservation; and he hoped that his little crush on her would just go away but now he’s starting to suspect that that wasn’t fully the case.
“It’s really not that hard if you focus on it,” she says eventually, still not taking her eyes off the page. He knows it wasn’t meant that way but he still crosses his arms defensively. She must sense it because she shoots him a look, puts her thumb between the pages as she closes it and her attention fully shifts to him. “You’re smart, Jake,” she says sincerely. “You’re gonna ace your exam, the only reason you’re not getting further is because you don’t want to, not because you can’t.”
Sighing, he sits up a little. “Thanks. I’m just not feeling it at the moment, I’ll study some other time.”
Of course, being Amy, she doesn’t let it go. “How about we make a deal?”
“What deal?”
“You’ll study with me for the next hour and after that….” she trails off, almost as if the next part of the sentence is painful to say out loud. “I’ll watch Die Hard with you.”
That immediately catches his attention. He practically jumps up in his seat, giddy as a little school boy. “Really?” For the past two months of living together he tried to convince her to finally watch the movie with him but every single time she told him she refuses to watch something that’s that unrealistic. If he knew all it would take for her to agree was an hour of studying he would have done it weeks ago.
She rolls her eyes but he can see the amusement in them. “Yes. Really.”
“Well, hand the book back then, Santiago, for the first time in my life I’m excited about studying.”
This time she lets her laugh out freely and complies with his request. And this time he actually manages to get the information from the book to transfer from his eyes to his brain, which really is a success. Doing practice exams and reading up on procedures isn’t exactly his favorite pastime but Amy really was right when she said that it isn’t all that hard. And the knowledge that he’ll finally be able to share his favorite movie with her afterwards is an added bonus.
It isn’t exactly an hour later because Amy ends up having to call her mother first, both of them change into their pajamas and Jake orders them pizzas but not much later they find themselves back in the living room, just with cokes and food instead of books and papers on the table. Amy is curled up in a blanket, knees up on the couch and only her head sticking out, like she always is during their movie nights, and after putting in the movie, Jake sits down next to her.
The joy must be visible on his face because he can feel Amy mustering him from the corner of his eye. “You’ve seen this movie like a million times, why are you still excited?” she questions with curiosity instead of judgement in her voice.
He shrugs. “I like showing it to people.” He really does enjoy it, seeing their reactions and talking to them about the movie afterwards, but he wants Amy to see it more than anyone else. Her opinions and thoughts, he has learned, are always incredibly interesting and trustworthy so hearing them on his favorite movie is definitely exciting.
“Okay, the rules are no using your phone, no falling asleep and no talking unless it’s movie related,” he explains sternly and after checking for a nod, which she reluctantly gives him, he finally presses play.
Watching the move is as entertaining as it always is but checking for her facial expressions is just as fascinating, just like the comments she lets out every once in a while. Although she sometimes criticizes the probability of what’s happening in the scene, she does seem to enjoy it and gives it the attention that it deserves, much to his delight. She has a really animated and lively face and facial expressions and they only add to his theory that she likes the movie, even if she’ll probably deny it when he asks her later on.
He’s so focused on her and the movie that he doesn’t notice the way he shivers and rubs his hands over his arms. Maybe wearing a t-shirt on one of the coldest days so far wasn’t the best idea, but it’s a Die Hard shirt so he really had no other choice. Amy, however, does notice. “Are you cold?” she asks and he shoots her a confused look until he starts thinking about his body temperature.
“Uh, yeah, kinda, but it’s okay,” he waves off.
She lifts her blanket a little on the side that faces him without taking her eyes off the movie and he blinks as he tries to figure out what she wants. Living with her, sitting on the couch next to her and going grocery shopping with her is one, platonic thing. Cuddling up while watching Die Hard? That has to be the most romantic situation he’ll ever find himself in, at least in his book. Okay, she never said anything about cuddling but the fact that his brain immediately went there is almost worse.
He must have been hesitating too long because Amy looks at him again, brows furrowed and distracted, almost like she’s annoyed she has to take her eyes off John McClane. When she understands that he’s unsure about getting that close to her she rolls her eyes. “Come on Jake, get under the blanket already. You’re not breaking any rules by sitting next to me.”
But she’s wrong. For the first time that he’s known her, actually. While, yes, the act of them lying under the same blanket isn’t breaking any rules, the reaction that Jake has to it definitely is. As soon as he does as she says and their shoulders and legs touch it’s like an electric shock runs through his body and that’s definitely not good. What’s even worse is that his thoughts suddenly become consumed by her as a chain reaction. How she’s breathing more heavily when a scene is intense, how warm her body feels against his and how pretty she looks whenever he looks at her, which is more often than necessary. For a while he just catches himself echoing her laugh in his head after she lets it out at something he says and he reminds himself to make her laugh more often so he can experience the sound of it again and again.
It’s only then when he realizes he’s watching his favorite movie, that is plastering many walls of their apartment, multiple of his clothes and basically anything that he owns, and instead of paying attention to it all of his thoughts are about the way her pinky finger is slightly touching his thigh.
He likes Amy.
iii.
Amy noticed quickly that Jake Peralta is a good roommate. Sure, there are a lot of things that annoy her about him and she’s sure it works both ways because the two of them are complete opposites; on paper them sharing an apartment would never work but somehow it does. She has never been able to live alone since she moved here straight from her parents’ house but it hasn’t really bothered her all that much, despite liking to be alone. They give each other the peace and quiet that they need and mind their own business while still being friends and caring about each other and it’s great because she gets the privacy that she needs.
It only becomes a problem when she's having a really bad day.
So when she hears a key turn in the lock she quickly does her best to wipe her face off the tears that are storming down it and grabs her phone to make sure her makeup isn’t completely ruined. Of course, because this has been such a lucky day already, her mascara is spread all over her eyes and she looks like a raccoon. With her fingers that she wet with her spit she rubs over it to do damage control while trying her best to calm herself down with deep breaths so she stops crying.
“Ames?” she hears the nickname that he gave her a few weeks ago and she likes a lot more than Mimi, which is what her family calls her. His footsteps are approaching and because she’s so efficient the only remaining hint of sadness left on her face is how red it is. He knocks against the door.
“Come in,” she calls back because otherwise he would know something is up.
He opens the door and smiles at her and although he’s still a little further away since she’s sitting on her bed and he’s standing in the doorway, she can see that he’s a little tipsy. It’s no surprise because he went for drinks with a friend from the academy, Rosa, to celebrate that they're free now that they graduated, but it doesn’t mean she won’t tease him about it. “What was that about ‘only one beer tonight’ that you said earlier?”
“Hey, it’s not my fault Rosa is very convincing,” he defends himself but after he sees the unconvinced look on her face he adds, “Okay, she didn’t care but she was drinking so much, I didn’t wanna seem like a wuss.”
She chuckles, even though every part of her body is telling her not to. “There it is.”
Maybe it was the fact that she isn’t fully looking at him, maybe her red face or the tone in her laugh and voice, but Jake isn’t saying anything so she looks up at him and sees that he’s mustering her carefully. “Hey, are you okay?” he asks out of the blue.
She furrows her brows as if it’s the most inane thing she’s ever heard. “Yeah, of course I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Again, he gives her a long look and just like any challenge that the two of them have ever had - and there have been a lot - she stares right back at him because the second she looks away he will know that she’s lying. It takes a while but eventually he nods slowly. “Alright, just making sure.” It’s kind of him and she’d appreciate it but right now she just wants to be alone. “I just wanted to ask if you’ve had dinner yet. I can make us my famous tacos,” he proposes. They’re just famous because it’s one of the few things he can cook (she has a suspicion that he can actually do a lot more but just refuses to because he enjoys eating like a child whose parents aren’t home for the weekend) but they’re still delicious and normally she can’t refuse them - just not today.
“I’m alright. Thanks though.”
The look on his face is just as distrustful as the ones before and if she wasn’t so damn stubborn she would probably break down under it, which is probably what the people he will interrogate in the future will feel like, but the last thing she can use today is losing to Jake Peralta, even if it’s something as ridiculous as proving that she’s feeling okay and she’s the one lying, so she crosses her arms and looks back at him until he mumbles “Alright” and closes the door behind him.
With a sigh she lets herself fall back on the bed and closes her eyes. Her thoughts are spinning and she’s so full of emotions that she’s not sure which one to grasp. There’s sadness, which has definitely been the strongest for the past half hour that she spent sobbing, there’s anger, directed towards no one else but herself and there’s numbness, which always seems like a nice emotion to hold onto because it means she won’t be loud enough to make Jake burst into her room again. But somehow it’s still sadness that is fighting for dominance so she turns around in her bed, presses her face into her pillow and lets a few more tears roll down. It makes her feel humiliated and like a weak little girl, even if there’s no one to see it, but she spent the entire day fighting it so she knows there’s really no point to it anymore.
When there’s another knock against her door about 20 minutes later she almost groans loudly. It’s then that she decides she would much rather live alone and be able to wallow in her sadness in peace. Again, she goes through the procedure of wiping her face, which is easier now that her makeup is basically fully gone, and tells him to come in.
What she didn’t expect was that Jake would come in carrying a plate and each of his hands, a bottle of orange soda in his mouth and a bottle of water under his arm. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for gestures but she’s pretty sure that him stretching his head towards her means he’s asking her to take the bottle out of his mouth, which she does.
“It was kinda nice that you weren't able to talk,” she remarks dryly. She knows that the right thing to do would be acknowledging how caring he’s being for bringing her food anyway and maybe questioning what he’s doing here in the first place but it’s just so much easier to keep things light instead of opening up.
“First of all, hurtful,” he replies when he puts both plates on her nightstand that she recently acquired and exchanges the soda in her hands with the water in his. “Secondly, now that I’m technically a detective-“
“You graduated from the academy less than a week ago and aren’t even a beat cop yet. It’ll take at least three years until you’re actually a detective.”
“Now that I’m technically a detective,” he repeats strongly and with narrow eyes at her interruption. “I know you’re not feeling great.” His tone softens while she tenses up. “And you don’t have to tell me anything because it’s none of my business but it doesn’t seem like you’re leaving your bed any time soon and I know you didn’t have dinner so please, just eat this. And, you know, if you want me to leave I can,” he says, almost sounding nervous. “but I thought it would be better if you had some company.”
This time she can’t stop herself from smiling. And she immediately takes the thoughts about wanting to live alone back. “Thank you Jake, that’s really nice of you,” she says, genuine, and for a moment she debates denying that she’s feeling off once more but there’s really no point in it. He scratches the back of his neck and nods as if it wasn’t a big deal.
Most of her doesn’t want company. It wants to continue hiding in her pillow and being the worst version of herself. But she can’t turn Jake down, not when he’s going out of his way to make her feel better, so she adds, “You’re lucky that I was planning on cleaning tomorrow.”
He grins. “You really have that little faith in me? I’m 23 and you really don’t think I can eat without spilling anything?”
Both of them know how right her assumption is, considering there’s hardly a time in which he’s wearing something that doesn’t have any food stains, so she doesn’t even try to argue with him and instead shifts in her bed a little to make space for him. That’s when she realizes that, maybe, that’s a little too close since the bed isn’t exactly made for two people and Jake doesn’t seem to be the biggest fan of physical contact. She’s not sure if it’s because he doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable, because he has a partner that would be uncomfortable (although she’s pretty sure after two months he would have at least mentioned them if one existed, the only person he brought to their place was Gina and they're definitely not dating) or because he himself is uncomfortable, but she wasn’t going to make him sit on the floor either and her room doesn’t exactly have any other seating areas.
Before she can say anything he jumps into the seat next to her with such goofiness that she forgets her doubts. He smells a little like beer and peppermint, which sounds like an odd combination but it weirdly works.
“We should really start eating more healthy,” Amy remarks when she bites into the taco. She has gained five pounds since they moved in together and it doesn’t seem like it’s gonna stop any time soon.
“Hey, I deserve this. Do you know how many push ups I had to do in the academy? Too many, Amy.”
“Yeah, and if you wanna stay in good shape you have to start eating fruits and vegetables. I think I saw pineapples on sale today, we should get them when we go grocery shopping again.”
“My grandma calls me Pineapples,” he mentions with a full mouth.
She laughs - of course, because that’s a ridiculous nickname for a grown man - and after that it’s almost like he made it his own personal challenge to make her laugh as much as possible, and he succeeds. The alcohol coursing through his blood becomes more obvious and it takes them forever to finish their food because Jake keeps telling her stories with so much enthusiasm that he sometimes bolts out of the bed to act whatever he’s telling her about out, which makes her laugh so much that she has to hold her stomach and put the plate to the side. Somehow neither of them notice that he accidentally scoots closer each time he sits down again, meaning their bodies are touching by the time they are done with their food and Jake is slowly running out of stories and energy.
It’s the first time it’s silent ever since he entered the room and it gives Amy time to remember why he’s even here in the first place. “Thanks,” she mumbles eventually. He looks up at her curiously, since he sunk down to her pillow, close to falling asleep, while she’s still leaning against the headboard. “For cheering me up,” she explains, giving away that he was right when he assumed that she’s not feeling well, not that he needed the confirmation.
He nods slowly. “Yeah, of course.” There’s a moment of hesitation but then he continues. “And, you know, you still totally don’t have to tell me anything but… you don’t have to hide. You shouldn’t feel like you can’t tell me what’s up, there’s nothing wrong with being sad. Again, this is totally not me trying to get you to tell me what’s up because I’m curious.” The end of his words is light but he really seems to mean the rest and it sends a flutter to Amy’s heart that she can’t quite place.
It’s late, Jake is an amazing friend and somehow his tipsiness seems to have made her more laid back as well so she sighs and scoots down a little as well, looking at the ceiling as she begins. “The problem is just that I didn’t have a reason to be sad. If something had happened it would at least be reasonable but it was just a really shitty day. I felt so overwhelmed and everything went wrong, which doesn’t give me a right to be this emotional but somehow I still was.”
She can feel his eyes on her. “So, basically you discovered that you’re human?” he asks and sounds genuinely confused. “Ames, everyone gets sad every once in a while. You don’t need a reason. You work harder and are stronger than anyone I know and you deserve a break.”
There must be something up with her tonight (it’s most likely her period that should be beginning soon) but the confidence in Jake’s voice almost brings her to tears again because he seems to have no doubts about what he's saying. She blinks them away and instead continues speaking. “I guess I just don’t like being emotional. Growing up with seven brothers I always felt the need to prove I’m tough, you know? And it’s dumb because I know that being emotional and feminine doesn’t make me any less tough but it’s still engraved in the back of my head. Internalized misogyny and all that.” Air escapes her nose as she huffs a laugh.
She does't expect or want a reply because it's not like she's looking for advice, but saying her worries out loud for once really did help. She turns her head towards him and says “Thank you” one more time since she probably would have cried herself to sleep that night if it wasn’t for him, but as soon as the words leave her mouth she realizes how close they are.
They’re lying face to face in her bed with so little distance that only one hand would fit in the space between them. And that’s only if it’s her hand, not his. But the worst part is that instead scooting away a little, sitting up again or at least saying something, she just looks at him, while he’s looking right back at her.
There's no reason for her breath to catch. It's simple eye contact with someone she's been living with, someone she calls a friend. It's not supposed to be romantic or make her think about how he's actually even better looking than she admits and he's so supportive and kind to her and her stupid heart is skipping a beat.
A dangerous thought crosses her mind. One, that she can’t even finish because it’s so wrong. During the entire day she couldn’t sort through any of her thoughts and feelings and now there’s only one on her mind and she wishes there were others to distract herself with.
She has no idea how long it’s been, probably just seconds, but with the energy that she’s been missing the whole day she bolts out of her bed.
“I- I’ll go brush my teeth,” she stammers and runs out of the room before anything else can happen.
Not anything else, just anything, she corrects her own thoughts. What just happened wasn't something. It wasn't a moment.
Once she enters the bathroom she leans against the door and closes her eyes as she just processes for a moment. The image of his caramel brown eyes and the unreadable look in them won't allow her to think clearly but after a few deep breaths she manages to calm down. Jake drank and she was vulnerable and they had eye contact for a few seconds. It’s nothing. But her heart is still rattling in her chest.
It’s officially confirmed that the universe is just taking a giant dump on Amy’s life today when she returns from the bathroom after thoroughly and more aggressively than usually brushing her teeth, and Jake is asleep in her bed.
For a moment she debates lying down next to him. She could breathe in his scent a little longer, perhaps even wrap an arm around him so she doesn't have to embarrassingly hug the pillow during the night like she normally does, maybe his arms - that have been incredibly muscular lately due to the push ups he complained about earlier - would be wrapped around her as well.
Yeah, she has to wake him up.
She feels bad because he’s been tired this entire time and only stayed up longer because he was being a good friend to her so the least she could do is letting him sleep peacefully but waking him up would be the better decision in the long run.
Because Amy doesn’t break rules. She doesn’t break rules set by authority figures, she doesn’t break rules set by herself and she definitely, definitely doesn’t break the rule that her and Jake can’t get involved romantically because she’s not developing feelings for him.
She’s not.
iv.
Jake wakes up in a bad mood. Firstly, he has to use the day to apply to precincts which will take forever and be way more work than he likes. Secondly, he got a car mere days ago because he arrested his first perp against it and it already has to go to the shop - somehow he feels like it won’t be the last time. Thirdly, he had to wake up early to get all of that done. Fourthly, he wakes up with morning wood.
Okay, that’s not exactly why he’s in a bad mood but it doesn’t really help because it was caused by a dream and the dream was about someone he should not be having that kind of dream about.
Things are just a little bit off for Jake from the moment from the moment he opens his eyes so you really can’t blame him for not fully using his brain that morning. He never really does because he’s not a morning person but normally he remembers that the lock of the bathroom has been broken for a few days now. Normally.
Today he doesn’t. So when he attempts to open the door to take a shower and take care of his situation, he expects to either be met by the resistance of the lock or the sight of an empty bathroom. Not a naked Amy.
She’s drying her hair with a towel and is bent over towards the door so everything is covered until her brain registers the noise at the door and she automatically lifts her head towards it because it startles her and, yeah, the towel in her hands still covers anything between her stomach and knees but her chest is very much visible and - “Jake!” she shrieks, wrapping her towel around herself, and he realizes that he should probably start moving.
“Sorry!” he yelps and quickly grabs the handle of the door to shut it. It takes him another second to fully comprehend what just happened but as soon as he does he calls out, “Shit, sorry.” again because he really is sorry and she doesn’t say anything back, which he really can’t blame her for.
Looking for a new apartment just got added to the list of things Jake needs to worry about, as well as finding a way to apologize to his roommate for staring at her boobs for approximately three second, which doesn’t sound like a lot but it was enough time to engrave the image in his mind and shoot even more blood downwards.
“Great,” he mumbles as he makes his way back to his room, that he doesn’t plan on leaving any time soon. “Just great.”
Things were going so smoothly. They became close friends in a short amount of time and while Jake always has lingering feelings in the back of his mind, they’re easy to suppress. Sure, there was that one time in Amy’s bed where he thought they had a moment and he ended up falling asleep in her bed because it smelled like her vanilla shampoo and natural scent that he can’t quite place but still enjoys, but it was a one time thing and even though it seemed like she avoided him for a day, things were back to normal during their movie night the next day, that he started bringing his own blanket to, by the way. But walking in on her after she took a shower? That’s not as easy to forget.
It doesn’t take long until he hears the bathroom door being opened and he makes sure to wait until Amy’s door is closed and the sound of her hairdryer fills the apartment before he makes his way to the bathroom. The shower he takes is ice cold and short because he’s pretty sure he doesn’t get to enjoy a long hot shower right now and it finally removes the pesky thoughts on his mind, so by the time he’s done the hairdryer is still running and he has the chance to go to the kitchen after getting dressed and taking care of his hair without being met by Amy.
He’s pretty sure that she’ll be avoiding him as well, just longer and more efficiently than last time, but it’s not exactly possible when they still live together, so soon he can hear her footsteps near the kitchen. If she didn’t have a long day today that she was planning to spend at the library, she would have probably waited until he was gone.
As soon as she walks into the kitchen he can tell that she’s pissed. Probably more embarrassed than anything else, even though she really has no reason to be but he assumes telling her that would only make matters worse so he keeps his mouth shut.
She walks towards the fridge with purposeful steps and a pen in her hand and Jake curiously tries to see what she’s doing but her back is blocking his sight. It’s only when she’s finished writing and she steps aside, crossing her arms and giving him a challenging look, that he can see what she did.
‘Rule #10 : No picturing each other naked’
He swallows and clears his throat. Yup, that’s a good rule. Running his fingers through his hair nervously, he gives her an apologetic look. “Amy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to come in, I forgot about the lock and - and I didn’t do it on purpose so please don’t think I want you to think I’m taking advantage of you - That sounds bad, but it’s not like I objectify you and I -”
“Okay, enough,” she sharply interrupts his rambling and thank god for that because he really had no idea where he was going without it. “Just follow the rule, forget it ever happened and don’t let it happen again.”
He nods eagerly. “Yes ma’am. I’ll knock and have better reflexes next time.”
She rolls her eyes and her anger is still not gone but she drops it. He’s pretty sure she’s not just that tense because of what he did but also because exams are approaching for her and she’s really anxious about them so she has been pretty irritable for a few days now. Not that he wasn’t an idiot and accidentally made her feel uncomfortable, because he totally was and did and he’ll make it up to her as soon as he figures out how, but for now he likes to think it’s not just him that has her slam the drawer shut with so much strength that he’s scared it will break just like the bathroom lock. Now that he thinks about it there’s actually a pretty good chance that that’s how it broke in the first place because Amy never really offered an explanation when he came home one day and she mentioned that it’s broken.
Long story short, Amy is frustrated.
She’s quiet as she begins making her breakfast and he tries not watching her. He focuses on his cereals instead, the empty cup of coffee, his phone for a while and then the ceiling but he’s a little bit curious so his eyes flicker to Amy just when she’s on her tiptoes to reach a mug in one of cupboards. Her arm is stretching towards it and it makes her shirt ride up the tiniest bit in the back but somehow that’s enough to make him act like an idiot again.
It’s so, so stupid and he really does hate when his body thinks instead of his brain because the latter knows that it’s just skin. Skin, that everybody has and he sees on everyone, including Amy, every single day. But the former has the same reaction to that centimeter of flesh on her back as it did to her chest and basically any part of her body that goes beyond her arms, head and neck because that’s all he normally gets to see. It probably has to do with how much prettier he thinks hers is compared to his own pale skin. Or maybe with how attracted he is to everything about her and that includes little parts of her skin. Or maybe it’s because he saw her breasts mere minutes ago.
Suddenly the image of them pops back into his head, combined with seeing her shirt ride up a little bit and it’s driving him just a little bit insane.
And before he knows it he’s once again breaking a rule. One that she established mere minutes ago.
He really is the worst.
By the time he has shaken his head to shove those thoughts to the back of his head - preferably out of it but he found out that that’s impossible weeks ago -, Amy is long gone from where he was staring at her back and has instead taken a seat across from him at the table, probably wondering why he zoned out into nothingness. She’s eating a fruit salad (she really went through with this whole eating healthy thing, unlike him who gave up after half a day) but he quickly looks away because he doesn't want to make it any worse. Instead, he turns his attention to his phone, scrolling on social media with one hand and eating a Pop-Tart with the other.
The sound of Amy snapping, “Would you stop doing that already?” makes him look up.
He blinks a few times, trying to understand what she means. “What am I doing?” he asks slowly.
“You’re eating like a child so you have frosting on your face and it’s really distracting,” she impatiently explains. It’s not a rare occurrence but it doesn’t usually have this kind of reaction so he again blames college stress. It’s not like he was any easier to be around when he took them.
He takes the back of his hand that was previously holding the Pop-Tart to rub over his mouth but when Amy’s fiery eyes don’t stop watching him he assumes he didn’t get it.
“Jesus, Jake, just-“ She seems to choose actions over words because she leans forward in her seat and gets up a little to reach him as she puts a hand on his shoulder to steady herself and removes his stain with her thumb.
Suddenly it gets really hot in the room, Jake notices, even though it’s one of the coldest days in the year. He feels like the neck of his shirt is choking him even though it’s a loose one.
They haven’t been this close before. If he were to lean forward just a little bit he’s pretty sure their noses would touch and if the angle was different and he added about an inch their lips would be touching. Why is he thinking about her lips?
Her eyes flicker up from his mouth for a moment and she looks in his eyes, that probably make him look like a deer in the headlights. There’s fire glowing in Amy’s eyes but there’s something else as well. He knows the fire and that it mirrors how annoyed she is, it has been there for a few days now so he’s pretty familiar with it even if it has mostly been directed at inanimate objects instead of Jake until today. But he doesn’t know the other, deep and black emotion behind her eyes.
Her finger brushes his lip ever so slightly. It’s not even his full lip but just the cupid's bow and yet somehow that minimal touch made him feel more breathless than any time he ever made out with another girl.
Last time something like this - although much tamer and probably just in his alcohol induced imagination - happened she had jumped up and ran out of the room. This time however she pulls away slowly, not removing her eyes from his as she sinks back down in her chair.
He’s pretty sure he could cut the tension with a knife.
But this time it’s his job to break it because he doesn’t know how much longer he can take it without going back to breaking the new rule or the kissing rule, so he clears his throat. “I’m gonna get going,” he explains, sounding a little weaker than he intended but not as weak as he feels. “Gotta get a head start on the day, you know.” What?
It doesn’t matter what he’s saying though because Amy isn’t replying and he kind of really does have to get going because he’s suffocating so he stumbles out of his seat, throws the dishes in the sink since it’s luckily not his turn to clean them and then grabs his car keys and leaves.
v.
Amy Santiago, she herself has learned, is amazing at lying to herself. Lying to others has always been hard for her, her voice gets too shrill, she starts stumbling over her words, comes up with a ridiculous excuse and overcompensates. But lying to herself is easy.
It’s easy to tell herself that, when she catches Jake looking at her a beat too long or he catches her doing the same it’s because they are tired and simply spacing out at a random spot. It makes complete sense that sometimes the two of them fall asleep on their couch after or while watching a movie and, since they make sure to rest their heads on the opposing sides, because they're platonic friends that don't cuddle, their legs get tangled up in their sleep. It’s natural that there’s some sexual tension around them that led to her specifically having to come up with a rule that said they can’t picture the other person naked and yes, she might have broken it that same day but it was a one time thing and she knows for a fact that he did the same and it had been a very tense week and it’s not her fault that, when you're not supposed to think about something that’s exactly what you do.
Either way, all that is part of their definition of normal now.
And it really works. They make it quite a while like that and neither of them seem bothered by the way things are, both inside the apartment and on their way to the Santiago Thanksgiving weekend that isn't an actual weekend but rather the evening of Wednesday that they mostly spend driving to her parents' house since they didn't leave until his shift was over and the following Thursday, that both of them have off. The car ride is long but it's filled with their typical banter, loud music played from their phones rather than the rusty cassettes that Jake's shitty car can play, and some meaningful conversations about how he feels about Thanksgiving now (apparently he minds it a lot less because the Santiagos make up for his previous lonely memories of the holiday, and Amy tells him that he's part of the family while putting her hand on top of his on the console for a moment, which makes him smile so fondly that she has to look away because it makes it harder to ignore the flutter in her chest that already appeared when she touched him).
When they finally arrive it's pretty late already, which might also have to do with the long breaks they took at gas stations, giving each other stupid dares and arguing over which candy to buy, so they're the last ones there, but they don't mind.
The first person they’re met with is Tony, much to their delight. He’s standing outside the residence with his phone against his ear until he spots the pair and hangs up to welcome them. He wraps his arms around his sister first, beaming at her and ruffling his hand through her hair like they don’t just have a 3 year age difference.
"Amy! I missed you," he exclaims happily and she grins and tells him she missed him too, which she really did. They stayed in contact through their phones and met once a little over a month ago but it's not the same.
Tony shifts his attention to Jake and pulls him into a hug as well, both of them greeting each other with some inside joke she doesn't understand. "So, how are you two doing as roommates? Are you driving each other nuts yet?" he asks them both and she can tell he's only slightly joking.
Amy rolls her eyes. "I hate to disappoint you but we're actually doing pretty well."
"Yup. Although there was a close call once when she put three alarms in my room so I would stop oversleeping."
"You have a serious job now, Jake, you can't just be late every time!"
He mocks her with a playful grin and she chuckles as she slaps against his shoulder to get him to stop.
Tony blinks. Once, twice and then a third time. He looks at Amy and then he looks at Jake and then back at Amy with a tilted head. “Since when are you two banging?”
She flinches. Her brother talking about her sex life? Uncomfortable. Her brother talking about her sex life with Jake Peralta at a family gathering while Jake is standing next to them? She wants the ground to open up and take her.
“What? We don’t do that!” she blurts out at the same time Jake protests, “It’s not like that, we’re just friends.” and he seems just as taken aback as she is.
Her brother musters them again, carefully and knowingly. He knows his sister too well to try to break her because it’s always hopeless so he turns to Jake. “Look, if this is because you think I’d be mad or something, don’t worry, as long as you really like her-“
“Tony!” she interrupts, embarrassed by his words. Both of them shift their attention to her and she shifts her weight from side to side as she comes up with a defense. “Even if Jake and I were hooking up we wouldn’t need your blessing.” She folds her arms. “However, we’re not. Just friends and roommates. That’s it.”
Jake nods eagerly and it seems to convince Tony at least a little bit because he raises his hands in surrender. “Forget I said anything. I just thought there was something but I guess I was wrong.”
“Yes. You were wrong,” Amy presses one last time before striding past him to the entrance of the house.
Pff. Jake and her are not banging. In fact, she doesn't want to do anything physical or romantic with him. And Jake sure as hell doesn’t wanna do all that stuff with her either. Tony doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
“That’s ridiculous, right?” Jake appears next to her, falling into step with her.
She scoffs. “So ridiculous.”
By the end of the day Amy realizes that it is in fact not that ridiculous.
After that, the two of them greeted everyone else in her family, which is always a hassle because even if not all eight children could make it, there’s still six of them and most of them brought at least one other guest. Some other relatives would show up the next day for the actual dinner, but one of her aunts was already there. As soon as they settled in she pulled Amy aside and, speaking Spanish rather than English, she excitedly asked “Are you dating him?” with a glance at Jake. “No, it’s Tony’s old roommate, remember? I moved into his old room,” Amy explained patiently. “But you live together now, didn’t anything happen?” Her aunt almost looks disappointed when Amy insists that no, two people of the opposite sex can in fact just be roommate and friends, and Jake and her are the perfect example of that. She did however promise to set Amy up on her date with her dentist, which made Amy flee the conversation. She blames her mistaking the two of them as a couple on her old fashioned upbringing.
A great place to hide from more people with those views seemed to be her oldest brother’s bedroom because when Amy peeked through the open door she saw Jake play with her nephew in it. He was holding one of the action figures the 3 year old owns and mimicking a scene with it, which made her smile. Not because Jake looked incredibly cute while playing with a child and because she thought it’s sweet that his first instinct was to entertain the little boy, but only because her nephew is adorable, of course. Amy entered the room and lifted the boy up, holding him on her hip while bouncing up and down and asking him if he missed his aunt as much as she missed him, which made him giggle and nod. She felt Jake watching them so she tilted her head with a questioning look on her face but he just shrugged. “Why don’t you two have babies like my parents?” the boy asked out of the blue, looking up at her with big eyes after she set him back down. Both Jake’s and her laugh echoed through the room. “Because we’re not in love like your parents, buddy,” Jake explained. That didn’t seem to help change his mind because he remained confused and stubborn when he demanded, “Then start being in love.” Amy assured him that there will be other children for him to play with tomorrow since she's convinced that he asked because he wanted people his age to play with, but she still decided it would be best to steer clear of her nephew as well if she didn’t want any more awkward questions about her and Jake’s love life.
It worked for a while because Amy didn’t encounter Jake anymore and stuck to talking to her family members about her new college and life in Brooklyn, but then the night began and wine was poured and Amy fond herself in a conversation with her father, David - the second oldest -, Luis - the second youngest - and Jake, since they were the last ones awake. She was barely paying attention, nipping on her drink and trying not to focus on the way her dad was praising David over and over again while the golden boy beamed with pride. Who cares that he helped save the mayor's life? Sure as hell not her. Eventually her eyes caught Jake’s and for a moment she saw worry flash in them but then it turned into an exaggerated grimace that made her snort, resulting in her choking on the wine and having a coughing fit. But when Jake used that window in which the attention was shifted away from David to mention that Amy had the highest score on all of her exams so far she didn’t bother hiding her smile anymore. That is until Luis realized what was happening and gave Amy a knowing look and way too obvious glances in Jake’s direction. She debated pouring her wine over him for a moment.
It had simply been a look but it was the final straw that made her decide to call it a night like everyone else already had.
So here she is, in her bedroom that feels familiar and distant at the same time since it hasn’t been that long since she last lived here but she still feels like she has changed a lot since she moved. Nothing major, all of the books in her shelves and the magazines in boxes under her bed still interest her, but she feels like she has matured a lot and learned more about herself in the time she was gone. Like she has gotten braver and more independent and confident.
She spends some time thinking about that and eventually grabs one of the books to help her fall asleep since she is having trouble with that for some reason, until a gentle knock at the door catches her attention. She knows who it belongs to, has heard it at least once a day for the past months, and it’s the only reason why she gets up to open the door instead of pretending to be asleep.
“Hey,” Jake quietly greets her, in his pajamas and with ruffled curls spread out on his head.
“Hey,” she replies in the same volume, already stepping aside so he can come in and she can close the door so that they can speak normally. Just like in their apartment, the walls are thin.
Jake wouldn’t be Jake if he wouldn’t take a tour around her bedroom before telling her the reason for his appearance so she patiently sits through the jokes about basically anything in it. She lets it go on for a while since he hasn’t seen the room in his previous visits but when he gets to her poster of Will Shortz and says, “Poor guy always had to watch you while you had fun in your bedroom, huh?” she decides to change the topic (but not before countering, “Like Bruce Willis has it any better, watching you from every angle of the room while you do god knows what.”).
“So, what did you want again?” she questions with a hand on her hip and decreasing patience.
“Oh, right. I need a blanket, it's cold in the guest bedroom and knowing you you’re probably hoarding millions of them.”
For a moment she debates not giving him one because of his teasing grin and tone by the end of his sentence and she doesn’t want to push his ego by confirming his suspicion is right but she decides she’s not that childish so she just opens her now almost empty closet and digs through it to give him what he needs. She is however childish enough to purposely give him one that’s bright pink and has unicorn riding princesses on it and belonged to her when she was a teenager and her parents were still overly excited about the fact that they finally had a girl. After months of living together she should have known that the blanket would only make Jake’s eyes sparkle and make him mumble, “Dope.”.
The exhaustion of the day is starting to settle in so she sits back down on her bed and rests her chin in her hands for a moment while waiting for Jake to finish marveling at the imprint. The sound of her bed squeaking must have caught his attention because he turns around towards her. His brows sink a little and he approaches her with careful steps.
“Is everything alright?” he speaks when her mattress shifts at his weight.
She tilts her head in confusion. “Yeah, no worries. I’m just getting tired.”
He musters her and then nods. “Same. I just thought it might have something to do with the whole David conversations. If you ask me, that guy is totally overrated.” She laughs just like she always does when he tries to cheer her up, even if her mood is just at a low point because she’s worn out. For every bit he’s childish and annoying he’s at least just as caring and encouraging, she notices. After a pause he continues, “Or maybe because everyone kept making remarks about our sex life and future children.”
She groans and laughs at the same time. “I’m sorry about that, my family can be a lot.”
“Hey, I’m not complaining, we’d have the cutest babies ever. They’d be unstoppable with my looks and your math skills.”
“Good to know what you value most about me are my math skills.”
“Don’t be silly Ames, your grammar knowledge is just as important.” She huffs out a laugh.
It’s silent for only a beat so it shouldn’t be possible for the energy in the room to change that much during that short moment but somehow it does. The reason is mostly that Jake shifts and fidgets in a way that lets her know that he’s about to be more serious so she turns toward him and watches as he clears his throat.
“That is crazy though, right? All that talk about how we’d make a cute couple.” His smile is awkward, an attempt at making this situation more comfortable, but she hears the undertone. The one that says 'It's not actually that crazy'.
She decides to think a moment before replying. The Amy from years ago would have replied without missing a beat, laughed and said that it’s insane to say that her older brother’s friend who is one of the most chaotic people she knows would be a good fit for her. The Amy from months ago who just moved in with Jake would agree that yes, he does have some things in common with her but she could still never see herself with him as anything more than a friend. The Amy from weeks ago would have agreed that they might seem like a good couple in theory but they don’t have any feelings for each other. The Amy from hours ago would have answered that they would never work out because it’s against the rules that they set.
The Amy right now doesn’t know what to reply. So she doesn’t.
Instead she takes one look into his deep brown eyes, that hold so much behind them that she wants to explore, and one at his pink lips, that look soft and alluring, before she leans forward and presses her lips against his.
He’s taken aback at first and even though her eyes are closed she can tell that his aren’t, but then his lips start moving against hers and it all feels natural. Every first kiss she has had with a guy before was at least a little bit awkward but this one feels comfortable. But it's still a first one so it's a careful, sweet kiss without a lot of pressure, without their hands moving over the other person's body and not particularly long, and she's grateful for that because otherwise her head wouldn't be able to stay as clear as it is right now and she wouldn't have been able to find the answer to his question as easily.
It’s not crazy.
When they both carefully pull apart it takes her a moment to be back in reality. Although it wasn’t intense it still made her feel a little dizzy and she blinks a few times before she can fully register Jake in front of her. He seems to be feeling the same way because the “Amy.” that comes out of his mouth sounds hoarse.
It’s all that it takes to fully bring Amy back. She's overwhelmed and she doesn't know what to say or do. “I’m sorry,” she apologizes because it's the only thing she can think of. “I’m sorry, I just kind of acted without thinking. I shouldn’t have done it.” And without using her brain or heart she adds, "I was just confused."
Never before has she felt as small as she does right now under Jake’s eyes. Normally she always looks back at them when he tries to read her but this time she can’t because she knows what she will see. Doubt, confusion, betrayal, hurt but most importantly feelings. For her. It's time that she faces at least that.
The silence is almost too much for her to take when he finally speaks. “So you only kissed me because you were confused, not because you have feelings for me?” He doesn’t sound mad or accusing but rather like he just wants to assure himself. His voice is still laced with sorrow though, even if he tries his best to hide it.
This time she holds his gaze. “Yeah. Developing feelings for each other is against the rule, I already broke it by kissing you.”
Everything inside of her is telling her to stop talking and to stop pushing him away just because it would complicate things otherwise, but her mouth isn't listening. Instead it stays quiet until her words settle for Jake and thankfully the reminder of the rules seems to be the one thing that gets him to back down.
She hears him mumble “Right, the rules.” before he takes the blanket that now doesn’t seem the least bit appropriate anymore. “Well, I better get going then,” he announces halfheartedly when he gets up from the bed.
Her eyes follow him as he nears the door and she’s so glad that he’s leaving because she can't think clearly with him here, but he turns around one more time before her wish is granted.
“For the record, I broke the rule months ago by starting to like you.”
With that the door quietly closes behind him and even though it’s what Amy has been waiting for, she regrets it because now her thoughts are even more of a mess than before. She throws herself into the bed and stares at the ceiling while her head is spinning.
The only thing that helps in a situation like this is a list so she closes her eyes and creates a mental one titled: Things Amy is certain about.
1.Jake likes Amy romantic stylez
2. Amy likes Jake romantic stylez
3. Amy has known both of those things for months and did her best to ignore them
4. Jake is an amazing kisser
5. Amy just lied to Jake because she’s a coward
6. Jake just got his heart broken because she’s a coward
7. Amy made a huge mess
Seven things that she knows for sure and for each one of them at least a million others that she’s uncertain about and she needs to sort through. She can kiss sleep goodbye for the night.
Damn it, that’s not an appropriate analogy for this situation.
+ i.
Maybe Jake should feel awkward sitting on a couch in the patio of a house that he’s only been to thrice, in the middle of the night, but it’s kind of the least of his worries at the moment. It’s the place where it all began, where he spent time with Amy for the first time. It was his instinct to go there simply because he had no idea what else to do.
And part of him is waiting for her. He knows her, damn it. He knows her inside out and her eyes didn't shine the same way they always do when she stubbornly insists on her side of the argument. Maybe she'll come out and confess her feelings the same way he did, in a dramatic way that could be right out of one of those Romantic Comedies they've seen.
But then again maybe she won't. He always falls too quickly too hard, always messes it up somehow and always gets abandoned in the end. It wouldn't be a surprise because it's so predictable and yet here he is, filled with dread, misery and regret.
It's not even about what happens next but rather about whether he imagined her feelings for him. If she doesn't want to date him anyway he won't push her, he'd understand because their situation is complicated, maybe he would offer to move out because he desperately wants this and this apartment is too far from the precinct anyway, but all of that is hypothetical and doesn't even matter if she doesn't come see him. If it hadn't been for everyone telling them him that she looks at him like she looks at her binder collection (direct quote from her mother of all people) he started questioning it and he realized that the feelings he did his best to push to the side the whole time were there regardless and maybe she felt the same way because their energy really is different compared to all his other friendships.
Still, he has barely even accepted that he likes her himself, hasn’t told anyone else about it (even though Gina kind of figured it out herself after she saw him and Amy interact and Rosa remarked that he’s even more annoyingly happy when he talks about his roommate) so he shouldn't have went ahead and admitted it to Amy. It felt like the right thing to say at the time but then again he shouldn’t have trusted any suggestion his brain made today because it really wasn’t working right after he got kissed by Amy.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster at its finest. The hopefulness when he felt her eyes on his lips, the way he stopped breathing when she leaned in, the heart stopping and exhilarating feeling of her lips against his, and the dazed look on her face when she pulled away were unforgettable. Sadly the same can be said about the dread he felt when she processed what just happened, the disappointment when she told him why she did it, the defeat when she pushed him away and the way he felt straight up depressed when he left the room.
If there’s one thing Jake hates it’s feeling helpless and that’s exactly what he feels like at the moment. In hindsight it’s how he felt all along because at the end of the day that’s the thing with love, you can’t control it. No matter how many rules there were, no matter how hard he tried to just think of her as a friend, Jake still fell for Amy. And no matter how much he likes her and wants to be with her, Amy might not have fallen for Jake. There’s nothing he could do about it and it sucks. That loss of control could also be the reason why Amy is so afraid of it, if he really does know her after all.
Either way, he thinks, he has a right to be on this couch.
“Thought I might find you here.”
The sound of her voice startles him although he's been thinking of nothing else. Amy is walking out with a faint smile on her lips and it crosses out all his thoughts that he’d get over her soon.
“Hey,” he says carefully. For a moment he questions if he’s hallucinating but he’s not that far gone yet. She comes closer and sits down next to him, leaving more space between them than usual but it’s so familiar that he finds his voice again. “You wanna talk about it?”
She nods. “But first” Her hand holds something up towards him that he can’t immediately make out because there’s barely any light outside. When he recognizes it as the card game that they played during their first encounter he can’t help but laugh for a second. “First I’m gonna beat your ass,” she finishes and his laugh becomes a little louder. They use their phones to light up the patio and it’s silent when she hands out the cards, though her hands shake slightly which makes him assume that she’s just as nervous as he is about the way this will turn out.
Amy begins the first round and begins the conversation at the same time, much to his surprise. “I couldn’t sleep because I was so overwhelmed with everything between us.”
It’s his turn so he draws a card. “Me too.”
They go back and forth in silence for a while. “I, uh - “ she looks at her cards like they’re the most interesting thing in the world. “I didn’t know what I should do and I wanted to ask someone for advice until I realized that I talk about this kind of stuff with you.”
“So do it.” She looks up in confusion so he explains, “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
Biting her lip, she remarks, “You forgot to draw a card.” Then in the same breath she suddenly admits, “I’m scared.”
He does what he forgot. “Of what?”
She shrugs. “Everything. Feelings, being lonely, losing you as a friend.”
Instead of focusing on the hope that is starting to fill him again that maybe, perhaps she could have feelings for him, he carefully chooses a card to put down to avoid eye contact. “I get that. I’m, uh-” He hesitates but decides he might as well let it all out if he’s already being this honest. “After everything that happened with my dad I’ve been scared of all that too. Abandonment issues and all that.” He laughs quietly and it’s not humorous at all but he still expected some kind of response, so he looks up when he doesn’t receive one.
He didn’t expect to be met with Amy’s doe brown eyes that are drowning in guilt. “I’m sorry.” Her voice is nothing more than a whisper.
“Hey, it’s alright. You don’t have to feel bad.”
But Amy shakes her head and brings the game to a halt. “I shouldn’t have kissed you just because I wanted to figure out my feelings only to tell you I don’t like you that way right after - it wasn’t fair to you.”
For once in his life he doesn't have the urge to lighten the situation with a joke, to deflect from what’s going on in an immature manner. He knows she wants to say something else but she continues the game for the moment that she needs to gather the courage to do it, so he goes with it and just waits.
“I do like you, Jake.”
It’s sudden and it’s everything he wanted to hear and he would feel relief but her face is unreadable, which means a ‘but’ is coming so he continues waiting. She throws a card on the deck and fiddles around with the rest of her cards before she looks back up at him.
“But I don’t know how this is gonna work. We’re putting so much on the line if we pursue this.”
“Yeah, but isn’t that the whole point? Sure, we have more to lose than others but we still have a chance if we take it slow.” He can hear his blood pumping through his body in his ears.
“We live together. How can we take it slow?”
He shrugs, earnestly. “I don’t know. But I wanna try.” Jake has given up on trying not to appear desperate. Tonight it’s all cards out on the table - literally.
Amy takes a deep breath and puts the deck in her hands aside. "You know, I thought a lot about how I changed since I left. It hasn't been long, there were no huge milestones and I just blamed it all on me being independent and living alone. But after - after the kiss I realized it's you. Jake, you helped me be like a million times chiller." She smiles. "I used to worry about everything but while living with you I realized how little of it actually matters, the only thing that does is that I'm happy, right?" He nods but still isn't sure where she's going with this. "I guess what I'm trying to say is... screw the rules?”
His eyes shoot up and he watches her through his lashes “Seriously?” he carefully asks.
The smile forming on her lips is answer enough but she nods anyway. “Yes. I wanna try this too, I really do like you Jake. Romantic stylez and all. And I'm not going to risk my happiness for some rules or fears of mine.”
Finally, finally the weight he’s been carrying for months that has been becoming heavier and heavier with every passing day is lifted off his shoulders. “You don’t know how happy I am to hear that,” he mumbles while leaning forward. He doesn’t care the slightest bit that he’s dropping the cards while doing so, because all he cares about is reaching Amy, whose smile is only increasing.
Their lips meet in the middle and it’s not the most romantic setting. They’re in their pajamas and jackets because it's freezing out here, in her parent's patio, and sitting in a mess and yet it’s a perfect, gentle kiss that sends even more shivers down his spine than the previous one, especially when he feels her smile into it. It just fits so perfectly and even if he doesn't know what she’s thinking, he can almost feel her worries vanishing with each passing second.
The kiss doesn’t stay as gentle for long, he finds his hands on her waist and she wraps hers around his neck, pulling him closer. He grants her the wish by lifting her and letting her down a few inches further, right in front of him without disconnecting their lips once and he secretly thanks the academy for making it that easy for him. It’s not enough for her though because even after her legs wrap around his waist and she fully sits down on his lap she still rests her hands on the back of his head and deepens the kiss more. His hands have moved from her waist to her back and he’s guilty of the same thing because he holds her closer than he ever has before.
She’s everywhere. His lips, his body, his mind and his heart. And it feels amazing.
His hands settle on either side of her face and he gently disconnects them “Not that I don’t love this,” he whispers. “But we could be walked in on by any of the 15 people inside the house at any second so we should probably stop.”
The dark shade in her eyes and the way it takes her a moment to calm down makes him want to continue right away but she leans her forehead against his and prevents it. “Good call,” she whispers back and presses one quick kiss against his lips again. Every way of kissing her is overwhelming in its own way, even a peck makes him lose his mind because it’s so domestic and proves that they’re really doing this. He still hasn’t fully wrapped his head around it.
“Let’s go to my room,” she suggests as she gets up from the couch. Before he even has the chance to say anything she turns back around toward him and holds her finger up warningly. “Not like that. Just to talk. And maybe make out if we have time.”
Nothing could motivate Jake more than both the talking and the potential make out. He jumps out of his seat and starts gathering the cards while ignoring his heart that keeps screaming ‘You’re with Amy now’. Granted, he’s not sure what ‘with’ means and they are taking it slow but she’s willing to give them a try and most likely let him take her out and it’s enough for his heart to flutter.
“By the way, can we not tell everyone right away? It’s still so new and you know how my family can be,” she says when she holds the package of the cards toward him and he puts the final ones in.
“You just don’t want to listen to them saying I told you so, do you?”
“Totally. I mean, come on, a three year old figured out our feelings for each other before we did? It's embarrassing."
“Okay, great, because I feel the same way. Besides, I’m really scared of your dad.”
Amy laughs and Jake has never been more in love with the sound. He can’t stop himself from putting a hand on her waist, pulling her close and kissing her again. She reciprocates it instantly and her hand finds its way into his hair. When she somehow slips her tongue into his mouth (it's not 'somehow', he willingly lets her in without a thought) and makes a moan escape him he pulls away again.
“No fair,” he claims, holding his finger up as if he’s scolding her. “You can’t do this with your family only a few feet away.”
She just giggles and it makes him forgive her in the same second - not that it ever really bothered him to begin with - and instead of dwelling on how she already has him wrapped around her finger this much, he just takes her hand and quietly transports them into her room.