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"Just relax," Yoohyeon said, her smile kind. It was hard to follow her advice when Yubin's eyes couldn't help but be drawn to the glinting knife in Yoohyeon's hand. "It's only difficult if you try to fight it."
"Why...?" Her throat was dry; she swallowed but found no words.
"You can't become a nightmare until you're able to move past your own. You said you'd do anything to stay with me, didn't you?" Yubin didn't realize that the question had been literal, or that it'd mean she'd end up with Yoohyeon's weight pinning her down on her bed as she carved a knife through the air like she was more than used to using it. Her eyes were as warm as ever, but that was only more chilling. It meant that every time Yoohyeon had looked at her with this expression, the nightmare had been right on the surface. "Do you still mean it?"
Yubin recognized that this was her out. If she said she didn't, Yoohyeon would move aside and let her walk out of the apartment for the last time. Her hands were trembling where she clutched the comforter beneath her, her legs shaking. She could feel tears welling in the corners of her eyes. She remembered when she had told Yoohyeon her worst fear, a cold night where she'd wrapped her coat around the taller girl to keep them both warm. She remembered looking at the sparkling constellations visible beyond the clouds of their breath as she'd made the admission.
And here was why Yoohyeon had asked that startling question.
It was hard to ignore the blade, to keep her gaze on her lover's face and not imagine her hand dipping and drawing red lines. Yubin shuddered. "But why?"
"Nightmares can only stay when they still have power."
"What was yours?" she managed, her voice rasping with the tightness of her throat.
Yoohyeon's smile widened, but her eyes were sad. "Being lost somewhere I don't know."
It was hard to reconcile with the girl who was more than happy to drag her to new places, grinning as Yubin frantically pulled up the map app on her phone when it grew dark. These days, Yubin was growing more comfortable with letting her gut slowly lead them back to the familiar and she thought she was beginning to understand.
She forced herself to look at the knife, both threatening and harmless seeming all at once in Yoohyeon's thin fingers. What was worse? The knife, or losing Yoohyeon?
"You know," she started, pushing as much bravado in her voice as she could manage, "You should ask before trying to cut a girl up."
Yoohyeon blinked a few times, confusion obvious. "I thought it'd be harder if you had more time to think about it."
It made a perverse sort of sense. She drew in a breath, but it did nothing to stop her shaking. "Get it over with then."
"Alright." Yubin swore she'd never forget the way Yoohyeon's eyes glittered as she brought the knife down for the first cut.
Yubin didn't feel the pain before she felt the warmth of blood trailing down the curve of her arm and the pounding of her heart in protest of her remaining still.
"Good," Yoohyeon murmured, pleasure in her voice. Her free hand trailed over Yubin's still unmarred arm. "Just like that." She leaned in for a kiss, brief but deep, before bringing the knife across Yubin's arm again. "Just keep being good for me, okay?"
Another cut, this time biting as the initial shock faded. "Okay--" She cut herself off with another hiss as the blade trailed to her chest.
Yoohyeon kept up a steady wave of encouragement above her, words whispered into her ear in between cuts, kisses every time she flinched away from the pain. Yoohyeon shifted her weight, and she found a knee between her legs.
It was almost worse to not be pinned down; it meant every time Yoohyeon's hand drifted downward, she had to actively choose to ignore everything in her saying move. The tears that had dried up began to leak again. She could feel her limbs grow numb and frozen with panic. Her own blood was impossibly warm on her skin when she was so, so cold.
"How... how much more?" It was only just not a sob.
Yoohyeon's hand came to her face, expression sympathetic but distant. Or maybe it was her own state of shock that made it feel that way. It was the hand with the knife on her face, and Yubin felt the chill of the flat of the blade against her ear as Yoohyeon's thumb caressed her cheek.
"Until you aren't afraid anymore." Yubin wondered if she'd die before that point. "Just relax," Yoohyeon breathed again, leaning forward until her lips were a hair's width above Yubin's. Her weight settled down in between Yubin's legs, the edge of her hip pressing against Yubin's core. The cold steel moved from the side of Yubin's head to her collarbone. She thought she felt its edge against her throat. "Do you trust me?"
She tilted her head back to look into Yoohyeon's eyes, gasping when the other girl took the opportunity to bite Yubin's lower lip. The problem was, there was no difference. There was no difference between the Yoohyeon she held hands with as they walked and the Yoohyeon above her now except the knife held at her throat. And if asked yesterday, Yubin would've said yes unconditionally.
There was no difference in the stare that met her eyes.
"Yes."
"I love you too." And the knife pressed into her throat as Yoohyeon leaned down for another kiss. She could feel her own racing heart pushing her death closer as her chest grew damp. But at this point, the pain that should be present was as far away as her sight dimmed. It should be worrying, but she was supposed to relax, right? And the heat of Yoohyeon's lips was far more interesting than seeing. Or breathing.
She felt her eyes close more than closing them herself. Yoohyeon pulled away, and she tried to reach out but her arm wouldn't lift up.
"Dream of me," was the last thing she heard.
As much as she trusted Yoohyeon, it was surprising to open her eyes again. She sat up with ease, sliding off the bed to where her girlfriend waited with a grin.
"Hi," she said breathlessly, body feeling strangely light.
"Hi." Yoohyeon's face shone as she threw her arms around Yubin's shoulders. "I missed you."
"Was I out long?"
"Longer than I liked," Yubin heard as she turned back to the bed. To her shock, she saw herself still laying on the bed, the full extent of the damage Yoohyeon had inflicted gruesome to look at. But even as she looked on, the still figure began collapsing into dust until it was nothing but grey ash on browning bloodstains.
She looked down at herself, finding each cut transformed into a silvery line, fully healed. "Am I...?"
"Nightmares can only stay when they still have power," Yoohyeon repeated, echoing her earlier words before taking Yubin's hand. "It's time to go."
And Yubin followed as they walked out of her bedroom into the dream world.