Work Text:
Can we meet up later?
The text alone was strange enough, compared to Hizashi's usual melodramatic insistence that he was lonely and starving and would Shouta please go get food with him?
So Shouta wasn't too surprised that Hizashi had chosen a table in the corner at a lonely coffee shop and tucked his hair up under a hat - he didn't want to be recognized; whatever had caused him to send a properly punctuated text with no emoji was important enough he wanted to talk without being disturbed.
He jumped when Shouta slid into the seat across from him.
"There you are!"
"What's wrong?"
Hizashi blinked, eyes wide. "Huh?"
Shouta only stared until Hizashi gave up, rolling his eyes.
"Fine. I see how it is. Can't even say 'hi' to your best friend."
Despite trying to sound flippant, Shouta could see his anxiety - the hardly touched drink, the chewed end of the straw, the bouncing leg.
"Hi."
"That's funny."
"Did you ask me here to eat, then?"
"Yeah, no, I..." Hizashi slumped forward over his drink, elbows on the table. "I do kinda want to talk about something."
Even knowing something was up, Shouta hadn't expected the sudden change in demeanor. Biting his lip, glancing around them, finger tapping against the side of his cup.
Shouta waited, watching Hizashi fidget until finally he sighed.
"Would you ever be willing to sleep with me?"
Shouta couldn't stop his surprise from showing, but Hizashi's face was deliberately neutral, not giving any hint to the reason behind the question.
"Why?"
"Forget the why," Hizashi said, shaking his head. "Just...Are there any circumstances under which you'd consider having sex with me?"
As if he'd never thought about it.
A compilation of every filthy fantasy Shouta had ever had flickered across his mind, and he forced himself to count to five before saying "Yes."
Hizashi only nodded. "Okay." He sat up, crossing his arms and staring out the window beside them.
With confusion adding to his concern, Shouta held back from pressing him, knowing Hizashi could be surprisingly and stubbornly tight-lipped when he chose to be. He'd talk or he wouldn't.
"Kanehiro and I broke up."
Shouta winced, though Hizashi's expression never changed.
He'd been through a lot of breakups recently, a string of relationships that never lasted more than a few months.
"Was it sudden?"
"No. I knew it was coming so I beat him to it."
"You ended it?" Shouta asked.
"It was only gonna end up like all the rest, how we're just not compatible and we want different things."
"Do you?"
"It's usually just their way of saying it's because I won't have sex with them," Hizashi said quickly, sipping from his drink and still looking anywhere but at Shouta. His leg still hadn't stopped bouncing.
"Well no, that really paints an awful picture," he continued. "It's not like any of my exes ever said 'let's fuck or I'm leaving you' but...yeah. It's a factor."
"You just didn't want to sleep with any of them?"
Hizashi frowned at the table. "I wanted to. Or wanted to want to, I guess."
"I don't understand."
He bit his lip and leaned on the table before sighing and blurting out: "I haven't slept with anyone since Hishida."
The suspicions that had been nagging Shouta suddenly became heavier.
Hizashi asking if Shouta would ever sleep with him, then saying he hadn't gone to bed with anyone he'd been dating, then bringing up his complete asshole of an ex?
Shouta wished he could be more optimistic.
"It's been a while."
"Almost three years."
"Why?" Shouta asked, hoping it was easier to answer than 'what happened?'
"He was..." All his nervous tics were back - the jittery leg, the tapping fingers, the lip bite. All the things he'd hidden from most people since high school. "He..."
"Let's go somewhere," Shouta said, abruptly standing. Hizashi blinked up at him, but followed as he went outside.
They walked in silence, eerie enough around Hizashi without the added weight of what he'd been trying to say, as Shouta led them to a park bench.
"Are you taking me child-watching?" Hizashi asked, looking toward the small group of kids chasing each other not far off. "Don't we get enough of that?"
"Yes, but we're not responsible for these."
He'd thought being there would make it easier to talk, take some of the pressure off - nicer scenery, happier background noise, not having to be obvious about avoiding eye contact - but for several long minutes Hizashi only stared down at the cup he hadn't taken a sip from since getting up. It seemed to be just something to keep his hands busy, since he could only be but so interested in how the lip felt under his finger.
"Whatever you imagined I was going to tell you about Hishida," he finally said, "you're probably right. He was not a good guy. Hell, he wasn't even a decent guy."
"Did you..." Shouta fumbled his words, trying to find a way of asking why he'd stayed with him that didn't sound so...accusatory. "Is this hindsight? You didn't leave because it didn't seem so bad then?"
"It wasn't. Not at first. I know you never liked him, even from the start, but if he'd been a terrible person when I met him I never would have gone out with him. And later, it was...When someone you're convinced loves you back starts criticizing you, you just consider it something you need to work on." Hizashi sighed. "I wish I could say I can't believe how long I stayed with him, except I can. I was in love with him and thought I was lucky just to have him because he had me convinced I was hard to love."
Shouta kept his eyes on the playing children, measuring his breaths.
"You know he used to tell me 'at least you're pretty'? And I used to take it as a compliment?"
"I would have helped you," Shouta said, surprising himself. He saw Hizashi turn his head toward him. "You could have told me."
"Actually, what made me start to open my eyes was realizing that I would be ashamed to tell you about it. Not because you'd say 'I told you so' or something, which," he continued as Shouta turned sharply, "I know you wouldn't do that, but I was embarrassed that I was letting him treat me like shit and I still didn't want to lose him. But then he left the night I had the audacity to say he didn't need to yell at me. You remember that," Hizashi ended softly, trailing off as his finger continued to slide in circles around the rim of his cup.
He did remember. Hizashi had spent the night at Shouta's apartment alternating between consuming sadness and vitriolic anger, going from throwing his phone across the room every time it lit up with Hishida's name to tearfully begging Shouta not to let him break down and answer it. From venomous ranting against his behavior to sobbing lamentations over wanting the good parts back.
Shouta had thought it was a normal messy breakup. Hizashi's emotions had always run high; he'd have been more surprised if he'd quietly moved on.
"You didn't date anyone for a while."
"Yeah. Spent a while being angry at myself. And then I thought I was ready. I thought I was fine."
"But you're not?" Shouta prodded gently when he didn't say anything more.
"It's not like I'm traumatized. I'm not going to have flashbacks or anything," Hizashi said softly. "He never got violent, you know I wouldn't have let him. But every time I get to that point with someone new, I just start thinking about how sex stopped being a good thing." He shook his head. "That sounds terrible. It is terrible, but I'm making it sound like he...I know the whole spiel, I know all the 'it's not always violent' and 'not saying no isn't the same as saying yes' but I still..."
"You don't need to defend him."
"I'm not, really, I'm defending why I never told you and why I still haven't gotten over it, I guess."
"It took time before you could call it rape."
Except the hitch in his finger's path around the cup and the hesitation before he muttered "yeah" said maybe he was still fighting himself on it.
Shouta shut his eyes, focusing on his incensed heartbeat and his nails digging into his palms.
So many times he'd mentioned Hishida acting jealous or controlling or petty, and Hizashi would either brush it off as Shouta worrying too much or snap that it was none of his business and he didn't want to talk about it. Maybe if he'd pushed for a real answer just once, actually tried to get Hizashi to talk about it, or maybe if he'd done something about the sleazy feeling he'd always had about Hishida...
But no, he'd never had a reason to be suspicious. He'd thought Hishida was self-absorbed and arrogant, and he hadn't ever understood what Hizashi saw in him, but he'd had no idea what was really happening.
How long had Hizashi put up an act around him? How long had he been fooled by it?
Shouta went to say 'I'm sorry' but stopped himself. He knew how that would go, because he knew Hizashi. He'd tell Shouta not to apologize; how could he have known, when Hizashi had been hiding it?
But he should have known. How had his best friend's nightmare gone without notice?
"Thank you for telling me," he settled for saying.
"You're not mad? That I didn't tell you until now?"
Shouta looked over, but Hizashi was still focused on his cup.
"No. I wish you'd told me, but you had your reasons. I'm not mad."
"So there's a chance you won't freak out if I ask you to fuck me?"
Shouta's mind went perfectly blank, several long seconds of nothing but distant children's laughter stretching onward before a flat "what" tumbled from his mouth.
Hizashi laughed humorlessly. "Yeah, I guess that was kinda..." He cleared his throat and stood. "I'll just-"
"Sit," Shouta interrupted, and Hizashi abruptly took a seat again, leg resuming its rapid bouncing.
"You were just talking about how it’s a problem for you."
"I know," Hizashi said. "But that's why I asked."
"You'll have to explain."
Hizashi finally took a sip from his drink, and Shouta wondered if he imagined the tremor in his hand.
"I'm psyching myself out over nothing. I don't like that it's become such a big deal, and I keep telling myself that it's just sex, nothing I haven't done before, it's not going to end with them becoming another Hishida, but I always get so tense that we never end up getting anywhere.
"I just want to...I feel like if I can just get the first time over with and remind myself that I used to like it, then I'll be fine. But my relationships keep ending before I can make myself go through with it, and I trust you more than anyone anyway."
He trusts you.
Shouta had become practiced in ignoring the guilt that cropped up every time he touched himself to his latest obscene imagining of Hizashi, but now it hit him tenfold.
He couldn't say yes.
"What if it doesn't work?" Shouta asked. "What if you still can't go through with it?"
Hizashi shrugged. "There's less pressure with you. I won't feel like I'm letting you down if I want to stop. I don't exactly have to worry about you breaking up with me because I can't sleep with you. Man, I really do keep implying all my exes are complete assholes. They're not, honestly, there were other reasons besides-"
"Hizashi."
"Sorry."
It wouldn't be right. Hizashi trusted him with this, enough to not only tell him but to ask for help, but he didn't know what he was really asking of Shouta.
He'd truly be taking advantage of Hizashi, of the opportunity to get into bed with him that would probably never come again.
"It's okay, really." Hizashi's voice was quiet, subdued. "You don't have to-"
"Would you just let me think?" Shouta snapped.
The slight huff of laughter from Hizashi didn't set him at ease - being reminded that he knew Shouta well enough to tell when he was actually annoyed versus what was just his personality only let in a fresh beam of guilt and more thoughts on how his secret lust was a betrayal of the trust implicit in a friendship even without the added weight of such a request.
You think you'd be satisfied with watching him walk away after? What a fun method of self-sabotage.
It'd be bad for him to even come close to indulging in his explicit daydreams. It'd be bad for Hizashi if Shouta agreed for the wrong reasons. It'd be bad for their friendship if Hizashi ever found out.
But years of wanting meant there wasn't much Shouta wouldn't do for him.
And maybe he just wasn't any good at denying himself.
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
He could feel Hizashi's eyes studying his profile and kept his attention on the kids as the silence stretched between them. For one uneasy moment, Shouta began to wonder if it had all been a joke of some sort, and Hizashi was too shocked to speak because he hadn't expected Shouta to fall for it so thoroughly. Doubt crept along his spine, and though his own tells weren't so obvious, he wondered if Hizashi could see his anxiety just as plainly - if he knew just from looking how Shouta could also have too many thoughts. If he had any notion that behind his neutral countenance, Shouta was already imagining a sequence of events that ended with him confessing to everything and Hizashi walking away.
"You don't need to feel obligated," Hizashi said, too soft and dispirited to be anything but honest. "You'd be helping me out, but it's really okay if you don't want to."
"I said yes."
"I know, but...I only want you to say yes if you really want to."
"You don't believe me?"
Another long silence, another bout of swirling trepidation.
"Is it so surprising I wouldn't want to feel like I'd pressured you into it?"
Shit.
"I'm sorry. You're not. I meant it."
"Oh."
"Just 'oh'?"
Hizashi smiled. "Well I went over this conversation in my head so many times but I, uh...never really got this far. Kinda figured you agreeing to it was a long shot."
Because the logical assumption was that someone wouldn't be harboring a fervid desire to sleep with his best friend.
"So you don't have a plan?"
"Not really."
"Your place or mine?" Shouta asked, standing up.
"What?"
"I assume you'd be more comfortable at your apartment."
"You...now?" Hizashi's leg finally stilled as he watched Shouta with wide eyes.
"How badly would you stress about it beforehand if we set a date?"
Hizashi blinked, lips moving silently as he searched for an argument.
"We don't have to," Shouta added, softer.
"No, I just didn't expect...Yeah, okay, let's go to my place."
***
"We should talk," Shouta said, sitting on Hizashi's couch and tossing the convenience store bag on the table.
"We haven't done enough of that?" Hizashi asked as he sat beside him.
"Tell me more about what Hishida did. So I know what not to do."
Hizashi hesitated. "I'll tell you if you do something I don't like."
"You're already pushing yourself into this. I want it to go as smoothly as possible, and it'll be better if I don't have to learn by trial and error."
"Right. You're right." Hizashi pulled his feet up to sit cross-legged and tucked his hair behind his ear.
"I guess I should tell you that I'm probably gonna be nervous the whole time no matter what, so ignore it. Or not ignore but...Don't stop unless I tell you to. As for what not to do...Don't pull my hair too hard. A little's okay. And no biting. At least not hard. Don't leave marks."
Seeing Hizashi's cheeks tinged with pink only further impressed just how much he'd been affected.
It used to be the other way around. Hizashi had never seemed remotely embarrassed by anything sexual. When Shouta lost his virginity a year out of high school, it had been Hizashi pressing for details and Shouta, red-faced, grumbling out one-word answers.
Now he was demure by comparison.
"Anything else?"
Hizashi shrugged. "Most of it wasn't really stuff he'd do while he was..." He sighed, leaning over against the back of the couch and fixing his gaze on the fabric between them.
"He always made me feel guilty if I didn't let him fuck me. Even if I just said 'not right now' he'd always say something like 'I just wanted to be close to you but I guess I'll leave you alone.' Even if I was asleep or just pretending to be, he didn't care. Sometimes I just wouldn't say no because I knew it wasn't worth the fight it would lead to.
"He actually told me once not to be ungrateful. So. That's what you're dealing with."
"But you're sure you want to do this?"
"Yes. You?"
Shouta nodded.
Hizashi smiled, a flash of his usual exuberance shining through before it was hidden behind nerves again. "How do you want to start?"
"You tell me," Shouta said, and could only be appalled on his friend’s behalf when Hizashi looked surprised at being told he was calling the shots. "This is about you."
"I don't know, it's not like I've ever directed someone before. I usually only talk when I'm making up some excuse, like 'I have an early start tomorrow, I should head to bed.' And I don't generally think about what I want someone to do to me, usually when it gets to that point I'm thinking of ways to distract them."
Hizashi rambled on, an anxious babble that was both endearing and sobering, only stopping when Shouta sidled closer, reaching slowly for his face and sliding his glasses off.
He folded them carefully and set them aside before letting himself take in the thrill of seeing Hizashi's big, bright eyes so closely.
"Hi," Hizashi said softly
"Hi," Shouta replied, just as gently. "Can I kiss you?"
Hizashi nodded. "Yeah."
This will ruin you. If you kiss him you'll never be satisfied with fantasies again. You'll watch him fall in love with someone else and pine for what you can't have because nothing else will be good enough.
He leaned in, stopping just short of Hizashi's lips and letting his eyes slip shut. He could feel Hizashi's warm exhale, mouth open and waiting, and the tiniest brush of their lips was enough to drown out the voice telling Shouta to back out while he still could.
He closed the distance between their mouths and prayed Hizashi couldn't also feel his heartbeat picking up at the thrum of soft warm perfect rolling through his mind.
One kiss dragged into two, Hizashi's lips pressing harder against his, and even as Shouta raised his hand to trail fingers up his arm, his shoulder, he willed himself not to get lost in delusions.
Be here, be present. This isn't for you. He needs you to not be selfish.
He doesn't love you. Don't forget that.
A third kiss, still impossibly soft, until Shouta's hand cradled the back of Hizashi's head, tilting it just so and pressing harder. Three blurred into four and Shouta lost count when Hizashi's mouth opened against his and he got a lingering phantom taste of his drink from earlier - something with coffee - and the candy he'd bought at the store on the walk to his apartment - something fruity.
Shouta swept his tongue across Hizashi's bottom lip, willing himself to remember the taste.
How long until the smell of coffee won't make you think of this? How long until you give in and start keeping that candy around for every time you want to indulge?
It's only a kiss. Keep it together.
Hizashi's hands settled on his waist, tentative but steady. His tongue brushed against Shouta's, more of that coffee-candy taste but with a foreign note that he chased after until he felt the fingers at his waist tighten.
He backed off, placing a kiss at the corner of Hizashi's mouth, down to the sharp line of his jaw, tracing it with his lips under his ear.
"Neck okay?" he murmured, feeling his own breath against his skin.
"Yeah. Sensitive, though."
More tiny, light kisses, his fingers curling to scratch lightly at Hizashi's scalp until his chin tilted back, hands sliding up to pull Shouta in closer, and only then did Shouta open his mouth, tongue gliding out to taste what was somehow both nothing but vaguely salty and the only flavor he ever wanted in his mouth.
Tongue, lips, the barest hint of teeth, leaving a wet trail down to the collar of his shirt, listening to Hizashi sigh, then working back up. Cautiously, methodically, both for Hizashi and for himself, already getting hard.
Shouta's back ached with the way he was leaned in and down, and he sat up to shuffle closer, surprised when Hizashi ducked in to kiss him, hand cupping Shouta's cheek.
His eyes fluttered shut, though he held back the small moan that gathered in his throat, instead sighing, hand going back to Hizashi's silk-soft hair.
Quit dreaming. He's kissing you as the friend he trusts, not the man he wants.
Shouta wanted. He wanted to press close to Hizashi, feel his chest rise and fall against his own with every gasp and sigh he drew out. To feel every inch of him, memorize his body, all the scars and dimples and imperfections, each muscle kissed, each freckle tasted.
Shouta wanted to overwhelm him, run him out of his mind with pleasure, burn him up with bliss and be there when he came back. To hold him so tightly, so safely, so truly and entirely that Hizashi would never hurt again.
To love him.
You can't.
He couldn't. One chance or not, this was not for him to take what he wanted. Only to give what Hizashi needed. And he did not need Shouta's desperate, doomed feelings.
So he didn't wrap his arms around Hizashi, or gently push him down onto the couch, or slide his hands up under his shirt to span his back.
He just kissed him. Kissed, and waited.
"Should I..." Hizashi started, pulling away just far enough for Shouta to see the slight slope of his eyebrows, drawn together with anxiety. "Do you want..."
"It's up to you," Shouta said. His lips felt dry, and he watched Hizashi's eyes slip down to his mouth when his tongue darted across them.
A moment of hesitation, biting his own lip, and then he was straddling Shouta, arms draped over his shoulders. He settled on his lap with enough distance between their hips that Shouta wished he could slide him forward and grind against him. He didn't even know if Hizashi was hard yet; he didn't want to look away from his eyes.
Hizashi leaned in and kissed him again, lips parting immediately, only the slightest hitch in his breath at the feeling of Shouta's hands on his hips.
Hizashi's thighs were warm on either side of Shouta's lap, and he wondered if the rest of him felt the same. If he was just as warm under his clothes.
"You know," Hizashi said. "You're a good kisser."
"Surprised?"
"A little." He squirmed closer with a rocking motion that was wholly too erotic. "You never really struck me as a guy who spends a lot of time on foreplay."
"That's the best part."
Despite the pink flush crawling up his cheeks again, something turned predatory in Hizashi's eyes, and Shouta's cock twitched when he was kissed firmly, tongue sweeping through his mouth like a demand.
Then that tongue was tasting his neck and Shouta's hands clutched harder at Hizashi's hips.
"Can I-"
"Yes," Shouta said, too fast.
He felt Hizashi smile before his lips closed around a patch of skin halfway down his neck, sucking hard. Shouta held back a moan, one hand sneaking under Hizashi's shirt to distract himself by tracing up and down his spine, but a short noise escaped when he felt teeth.
Hizashi stopped, leaning back, and Shouta nearly told him it was okay, it was good, but he was looking at Shouta's neck appraisingly, thumb glossing over the sensitive spot he'd just bitten. He hummed and leaned toward the other side, lips attaching to the same point to leave a matching mark.
Fingers stroked through his hair at the same time teeth sank into his skin and Shouta realized he was fucked.
Nervous and tentative as he was, this was far from Hizashi's first time. He knew what he was doing.
Shouta had counted on minimal reciprocation; he hadn't been prepared for the way his cock was already straining uncomfortably against his pants just from Hizashi marking him up, leaving matching hickeys like he was a project. If the hand in his hair did anything more than comb through it, Shouta would be teetering on a very shaky ledge.
For fuck's sake, you're not 19 anymore. Don't blow your load in your pants just from someone sucking on your neck.
He shouldn't have let Hizashi leave marks. He'd spend days studying them in the mirror and reading too much into Hizashi wanting to claim him.
Shouta turned his head, seeking out Hizashi's lips, kissing him harder, messier, Hizashi sliding closer in his lap then breaking away suddenly, leaning back.
"We should..." His face was flushed in a way that had nothing to do with embarrassment, mouth open, hair just slightly mussed.
Beautiful.
"Bed."
Shouta nodded. Hizashi stood, grabbing his hand and heading for his bedroom before abruptly spinning around.
"Oh, right, the-"
"Got 'em," Shouta said, grabbing the box of condoms from the bag he'd tossed aside.
"Oh. Good."
Hizashi turned away again, and Shouta couldn't stop himself from looking down at their joined fingers.
Hizashi's hand hesitated over the lightswitch in his room, ultimately leaving it off and instead turning on the lamp beside the bed.
He stopped then, back turned to Shouta, hand still holding his. He glanced over at the bed when Shouta tossed the condoms onto it, but the little Shouta could see of his face looked apprehensive.
"Okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," came the reply, a little too quick. "Just...trying to make my mind shut up for two seconds."
"What do you need?"
"To fucking relax."
Maybe he was being facetious, but Shouta listened anyway, stepping closer to his back and pulling his hand free.
Hizashi stiffened when Shouta's hands gripped his shoulders, then instantly relaxed when he dug his thumbs in, kneading small circles. The groan he let out sent a pulse of need to both Shouta's brain and his cock.
He worked his hands down Hizashi's back, leaning in close to mouth at his neck again (this is okay, you're getting him to relax, it's not about intimacy). He stopped at his waist, fingers drawing up his shirt, lips parting to ask if he could take it off, but Hizashi was already raising his arms.
Forcing a mantra of slowly, slowly, gently to roll through his head and down his arms, he pulled Hizashi's shirt over his head and let it drop to the floor.
It was just a back. Nothing he should have been salivating over. Broad shoulders, trim waist, evidence of a deceiving musculature in the defined lines rolling around his shoulder blade when he lifted his hair off his neck and swept it to the front, showing off the prominent vertebrae at the base of his neck.
Shouta wanted to taste it. A vivid image of fucking Hizashi from behind sprang to life in his head: down on all fours, Hizashi's normally hidden biceps straining to keep him up while Shouta rammed into him, the expanse of his back free for his hands and tongue to roam, leaning forward over his lithe body, Hizashi tilting his head for Shouta to sink his teeth into his neck, harsh breaths, deep groans,
Stop.
Shouta put a hand between Hizashi's shoulders, barely touching.
"Lie down."
Then Hizashi was prone, waiting, his back like a canvas. Hands up near his head, fingers twiddling with the sheets, eyes on Shouta as he sat by his side, watching him lean over, closing at the first touch.
Hizashi sighed, long and deep, as Shouta's fingers kneaded, pressed, and rubbed. Down his spine, up over his sides (less warily once he noted that the flinching was only to hide that it tickled), across his shoulders, his arms, the back of his neck. Exploring. Seeing things he'd seen before but never taken in.
The freckles on his shoulders extended down his upper arms. He had a mole halfway down, just off-center. He had small scars - a long, thin line here, a starburst of pink skin there - and the big one where a knife-like quirk had torn through his leather jacket and gouged a line from upper arm to shoulder.
And he was sensitive.
So many contented little sounds that had Shouta biting his lip. Shuffling around to get Shouta's hands right where he wanted them. Arching his hips up and moaning when Shouta pressed his thumbs into his lower back.
The room was too warm.
"Gonna put me to sleep," Hizashi mumbled, somehow sounding fully unaware of what he'd been doing to Shouta.
"That would defeat the purpose," Shouta said.
"Can't help it. Your hands are great."
Far too warm.
Shouta pulled his shirt off, and tossed it aside.
"You okay with me sitting on you?"
He glanced toward Hizashi, who'd propped himself up on his elbows when Shouta moved. He turned his head away quickly, saying "yeah, that's fine," but Shouta had seen where his eyes were, and the more incriminating blush.
He'd been staring, and he'd liked what he was staring at.
Shouta nearly wanted to turn Hizashi over, to catch him looking again, to preen under his gaze.
Instead he straddled his legs, taking care to keep his hips high enough he wouldn't be tempted to rut against Hizashi's thighs.
He had more leverage like that, could continue drawing out those little moans, but Hizashi was plenty relaxed; now he had to focus on steering him toward arousal.
He skimmed his hands over Hizashi's sides, down to his hips and further, thumbs digging into the creases at the tops of his thighs (Hizashi's legs going tense beneath him) and up again, palms sliding over his ass and coming to rest on his hips.
Shouta leaned forward and placed an open-mouthed kiss just above the waist of his pants, pausing for a moment at Hizashi's gasp but smiling when he subtly arched into it.
Another kiss, a little higher, then a torturously slow drag of his tongue up his spine, laving over each notch, drowning himself in the shaky little breaths he heard and the subtle trembling under his lips.
The way Hizashi offered up his neck felt like victory. His whine when Shouta's tongue continued up over his earlobe felt like something illicit.
Then back down again, following the same path in reverse, licking, kissing, sucking, knowing the squirming of Hizashi's hips was from nothing but arousal.
He stopped where he'd started, where his path was impeded by fabric. He glanced up at Hizashi, breath ghosting over the small of his back.
"I want to eat you out."
Hizashi buried his face in a pillow, muffling what might have been "fuck," but his hands were reaching under his raised hips, unbuttoning, unzipping, sliding both pants and underwear down and letting Shouta pull them off.
Shit.
Face still hidden in the pillow but no doubt red, thighs slightly spread, toes curling with what Shouta hoped was anticipation.
On offer.
Shouta grabbed at his cock through his pants, holding his breath not to gasp at the long-needed stimulation.
Don't think about fucking between his thighs.
He exhaled long and slow, leaning back down to kiss Hizashi's shoulder.
"Okay?"
Hizashi nodded without turning his head away from the pillow.
Cute.
Shouta grabbed another pillow and slid it under Hizashi's helpfully raised hips, propping him up, putting him further on display.
Giving an inch to the urge to explore, Shouta let his fingers skim down Hizashi's bare legs, feeling the way his muscles jumped under his light touch.
He wished he could dote on his legs as much as he had his back - get his hands on every last bit of him while he had the chance - but there was only so much adulation he could get away with.
Only so much love he was allowed to show.
Shouta ran his hands up to Hizashi's ass, squeezing with a palm on either cheek, mouth resuming where he'd left off, moving down, down, tongue slipping into the cleft, Hizashi growing stiffer beneath his hands, then his tongue swiped over his hole and Hizashi went limp with a low groan.
Shouta settled between Hizashi's thighs, almost immediately humping the bed before stilling himself. Fingers digging in and spreading his cheeks, he licked a stripe from his balls all the way up, savoring the way Hizashi rolled with him, chasing after the sensation. He let out another whine when Shouta licked over his hole again, ass clenching.
He's so sensitive...Hishida probably never did this for him. How long's it been?
Shouta dug in harder, pressing his face between Hizashi's cheeks and tracing around his entrance - up, down, fast flicks and slow, broad strokes. Teasingly pressing in and withdrawing.
He wished he could see Hizashi's face. He imagined it being lit up with that pink glow, mouth hanging open, eyes scrunched shut against the barrage of pleasure Shouta was giving him. He imagined him not even being aware he'd passed the point of moaning so loudly Shouta had to use his quirk.
The image was too clear; Shouta moaned as he rocked his hips into the bed, earning a sharp gasp from Hizashi, trying to press harder against his face.
Way to go; you'll never be able to eat ass again without wishing it was him - his taste, his smell, his perfect moans, his fucking pert little ass that fits your hands just right.
That would be a problem; never being able to leave this moment behind. Giving oral, for Shouta, could be the foreplay, the tease, the main course, the postlude, and the buildup to round two. He would gladly keep his head between someone's thighs for hours. There was a potent sense of achievement in dismantling a person's walls that way. Licking and sucking and nibbling their most intimate parts while they slowly lost control.
But going forward, every time he went down on someone he'd only ever be able to think about this, about how it was Hizashi with his legs spread wide, humping back against Shouta's unremitting tongue. Those were his low moans being muffled by the pillow, his fingers curling in the sheets, his hole that was so wet from Shouta's mouth that saliva marked a shiny trail down to his balls.
Shouta squirmed, and even that small amount of friction against his neglected cock sent a shock through him.
You're actually going to get off on this.
Trying to keep his hips still, Shouta pushed his tongue into Hizashi's hole, forcing it deeper, moaning helplessly at the way his walls compressed around it.
More. Deeper. Fuck, imagine having your tongue inside him when he cums.
"Wait."
Shouta raised his head immediately, despite the part of him screaming not to stop, to push him over the edge.
"What's wrong?"
You sound so out of breath. He knows how much this is affecting you. He knows how bad you've got it for him.
"Nothing." Hizashi had finally picked his head up, tossing his hair away from his face. "But...it's been just me and my hands for literally years now."
Shouta smiled. "There's no way I'll believe you can't get it up more than once a night." He sat up as Hizashi turned over, and whatever he said next was lost to the white noise that filled Shouta's mind when he took in the body laid out before him, eyes skipping quickly past enticing nipples and taut abs to-
"You never told me you were pierced."
Hizashi didn't answer at first. Shouta was aware he'd interrupted, just as he was aware he should stop staring, but neither of those seemed more important than the metal curving through the head of Hizashi's cock.
"I didn't think you'd be that interested in hearing me talk about getting a hole poked in my dick."
Responses formed in Shouta's mind (you're wrong, I'd listen to you talk about anything, stop staring, fuck that's hot) and left just as quickly, and before he could say anything to embarrass himself, Shouta leaned down and closed his mouth over Hizashi's cock, running his tongue over the jewelry.
Hizashi bucked hard, gasping, hands flying to Shouta's hair before moving to the sheets instead. Shouta gripped the base of his cock, steadying it, trying and failing not to compare it to his fantasies.
But in your head he never had a damn metal bar. Why do you want him to fuck your throat so bad now?
The metal dragging across his tongue was maddening, both in that he didn't need any more reasons to be so ridiculously infatuated with his best friend, and that the scenarios in which he was the one with his thighs spread wide, begging while Hizashi wrecked him, were effectively ruined. He'd never bottomed for a pierced dick. He couldn't simulate that with a toy, unless he-
Stop it, you're so fucking depraved.
He sank down further on Hizashi's cock, until the jewelry hit the back of his throat and Hizashi cursed, then came back up, licking around the metal balls at either end of the curved bar, gingerly taking one between his teeth and tugging just enough Hizashi's cock twitched and spurted, pre leaking down the shaft.
Shouta chased it, licked it off, tongue drawing a line back up to the tip before swallowing him down again.
“Oh, fuck..."
Even more so than licking his way inside someone, this was heady. Feeling someone's length sliding between his lips, over his tongue, feeling it lurch when he traced a vein, feeling their hips tremble with the urge to thrust, causing such big reactions with such small scrapes of his teeth...Intoxicating.
Hizashi's legs had tried to close, squeezing tightly around him, but when Shouta gently pushed his thigh away, Hizashi jerked, hips pushing his cock deep into Shouta's mouth so quickly and forcefully he moaned, getting one in return from Hizashi.
"I'm gonna...Ah, fuck, Shouta..."
Hearing his name said so breathlessly, so erotically, nearly had him finishing.
He sealed his lips around Hizashi's cock and sucked hard. Hizashi went stiff with a gasp, then moments later he was shooting into Shouta's mouth. Shouta swallowed automatically, once, twice, tongue softly prodding at his piercing until Hizashi sighed and relaxed.
A count of three was all the time Shouta allowed himself to savor the taste. It would only be one more thing that nobody else could compare to; there was no point in trying to commit it to memory.
He sat up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and Hizashi stared up at him, looking almost surprised.
Don't let him overthink it. Don't let him read too much into it.
"You were saying?" Shouta asked.
Hizashi didn't react at first, then blinked and shook himself. "What?"
"Before," Shouta said. "When I was talking about getting it up more than once."
"Oh. Yeah, I was going to say that it shouldn't just be me getting off if we're going more than once."
A second-long sense of triumph (he wants to touch me, he's going to touch me, he wants me) overtook him before Shouta could stop it. He shook his head.
"You don't have to worry about that."
Hizashi scowled. He sat up and took Shouta's chin in one hand before kissing him, tongue slipping into his mouth. The noise Shouta made was half pleasure and half incredulity at Hizashi's sudden lewdness, not seeming to care about tasting himself.
What if he likes it? That'd be something; you like blowing him and he likes kissing you after.
"You gonna let me reciprocate or not?" Hizashi said against his mouth, voice dripping with a newfound bravado that left Shouta unable to refuse.
"It won't take much," he muttered.
"Yeah, I figured." Hizashi smiled. "It should be illegal to give someone such an A-plus rimjob and get that turned on by it."
Of course while Shouta was staring, dumbfounded, at his piercing, Hizashi would have seen how hard he was tenting his pants, if he hadn't already guessed how much he enjoyed it by his enthusiasm.
"Didn't I already say I like foreplay?"
"Such a giver," Hizashi teased.
His fingers slid down Shouta's stomach, and Shouta wasn't sure when his own hands had landed on Hizashi's hips, but they gripped hard in anticipation as deft fingers undid his pants, pushing them down and-
"Holy fuck, you're thick."
Hizashi stopped with his hand just wrapped around his length, looking down between them, and Shouta was on the verge of simply thrusting forward into his grip. His face was heating up now that it was his turn to be stared at, and Hizashi could plainly see how achingly hard he was, how much he was leaking, so what did it matter if he stopped hiding how desperate he was, if he clamped down harder on Hizashi's hips and hid his face in his neck and humped his hand?
But then Hizashi laughed and started stroking him.
"Sorry."
"Don't think that's something you need to apologize for."
It was supposed to sound unruffled but came out strained. Shouta didn't care, not when Hizashi's soft laughter sounded so brilliant and the simple motion of his hand sliding up and down was better than the greatest fuck he'd ever had.
You can hold out for another minute. Hell, twenty seconds, at least. Fuck, this is just embarrassing.
But Hizashi kissed him again, deep and breathtaking, and short of moaning defenselessly and clawing up his back, Shouta had no way of even attempting to hold himself back. He was squirting over Hizashi's hand and stomach without warning, breathing raggedly against his lips.
Shouta's mind went blithely still during those sluggish seconds afterward, contentment coursing through his veins, haphazardly returning Hizashi's kisses until he leaned away, picking up his shirt from the floor and cleaning himself off.
Lucky he didn't use yours. Who knows how long you'd have gone without washing it, you degenerate.
He lay down and kicked his clothes the rest of the way off, but when he looked up to watch Hizashi pull his hair off his neck, his attention was caught by a mark on his wrist.
He gripped Hizashi's arm lightly, running his thumb over the circle of indentations in his skin.
"You bit yourself?"
Hizashi shrugged. "I can usually keep quiet enough during the big finish, but, you know. Can never be too careful." He flopped down on his back next to Shouta and smiled. "Take it as a compliment."
Shouta's perverse dreams had often centered around making Hizashi lose it enough that he shook the bedroom, but in truth he'd probably never been able to let go entirely. Losing focus on his quirk when he did anything involving making noise would be irksome at best, disastrous at worst.
"You don't have to worry about that with me, you know."
Hizashi blushed. "Right, so you'll erase my voice and I'll think 'hey, that's handy' and next time I jump into bed with someone I'll slip up and burst their eardrums."
Then don't go to bed with anyone else.
"It's habit by now, anyway. I'm just not loud in bed. And that's not a Hishida thing, that's just me."
Shouta had forgotten about Hishida completely, so focused on his own desires and the guilt that came with them that he'd stopped thinking about the shadow looming over everything Hizashi felt.
"How is this, so far?"
"What, compared to him?"
"Yeah."
Hizashi grinned. "No contest." He rolled closer, onto his stomach, his side pressed against Shouta's. "He acted like he was doing me a favor whenever he sucked me off. So, opposite of you," he said with a teasing smirk.
"You complaining?"
"Definitely not."
He looked relaxed like this – leaned on his elbows, knees bent so his feet swayed in the air, the small swell of his ass inviting, collarbone distractingly prominent. He looked cute, moreso than usual, though his carefree smile quickly faded as he fiddled with the sheets.
"I'm sorry," Shouta said. "You don't have to talk about him."
Hizashi shook his head. "It's fine. I mean yeah, he's not my favorite subject, but it's kindof a relief after not telling anyone for so long."
"Feel free to complain all you want."
He expected another snippet of how Hizashi had been mistreated, or maybe a rant about Hishida's general repugnance, but instead Hizashi only quietly asked, "What would you have done? If I'd told you back when it was happening?"
What would he have done?
"I don't think you need me to answer that, unless you just want to hear me say it."
Hizashi elbowed his arm affectionately, but his smile was strained and fell almost immediately.
"I don't mean about him. If I had told you he was doing all that to me but I wasn't even trying to leave him, what would you have thought of me?"
Shouta froze, staring, waiting for him to continue.
"Hey."
Hizashi didn't look at him. "What does that say about me, that I just let it happen?"
He sank down onto the bed fully, face-first into the pillow. An obvious attempt to hide from whatever reaction he anticipated, but Shouta allowed it. He wasn't sure he could give his response with Hizashi watching him, anyway.
"That you have a stronger ability to love and forgive than most people. Maybe that worked against you when it came to him, but I'd still hesitate to call it a flaw."
The sheets rustled as Hizashi turned to look at him, but Shouta stared at the ceiling.
Calm down, that's reasonable for a best friend to say. You only feel so naked because you literally are.
Still, the silence was unnerving, and when he looked over at Hizashi, he was startled by how wet his eyes were.
"Hey..." He turned on his side, concerned, but Hizashi laughed breathlessly, rubbing his eyes.
"Wow, sorry, that was..." He sniffed. "Guess I still get a little emotional over it, huh."
"Or you've just spent so long trying to blame yourself that you weren't ready to hear something good about yourself."
"Quit that, you're not my therapist."
"I should hope not. This would be incredibly unprofessional."
Hizashi laughed, a real smile finding its way onto his face as he propped himself up again. "Efficient, though. I mean, you're helping me plenty."
"I don't think this is what people imagine when they're looking for a sex therapist."
"Well no, because if people paid you to sleep with them, that would make you a hooker."
"At least hookers get paid," Shouta said, smirking. "You're getting me for free."
Hizashi scoffed. "You mean the chance to sex me up isn't enough?"
Shouta rolled his eyes and hoped it wasn't obvious that his mind was repeating he's joking, he's just joking.
He watched Hizashi's grin cool into something softer, and was already reaching out to tuck hair behind his ear before he even realized he'd moved his hand. Hizashi nuzzled against his palm and Shouta wished he could ignore the part of him still trying to say this was a bad idea and that he should run away.
"You know none of it was your fault, don't you?"
"Yeah, I know that," Hizashi said, though his eyes dropped back to the bed, fingers fidgeting again even with his cheek still pressed in Shouta's hand.
"But?"
"But it's the 'making myself believe it' part that I'm having trouble with."
Shouta trailed his thumb under Hizashi's eye. What could he say to that, other than to keep telling him again and again? He wouldn't believe it until he was ready.
"Look, I'm okay, honestly. I just ran from it for a while because I didn't want to deal with it, and..." Hizashi shrugged. "Now I'm dealing with it. Better late than never."
He hates part of himself, but he's still baring everything to you.
He'd already thanked Hizashi once, but he needed to say something, lying there caressing the face of the man he loved while he got caught up in bad memories.
Hizashi broke the moment before he could think of something suitable, shaking off his melancholy and smiling.
"So what do you say we get back to helping me deal?"
"I have one question first."
"What's that?"
"You're never loud?"
"You don't think I can be quiet?" Hizashi raised an eyebrow.
"No, I'm sure you can. With most people."
Hizashi let out a bark of disbelieving laughter. "Someone thinks highly of himself."
"Are you doubting me?"
"I think you should back up your claims."
Shouta pulled him in and kissed him.
The banter was easy, a result of spending so much time with someone, but that it remained easy, reflexive, in between rounds of sex made it feel just as intimate as gliding his tongue past Hizashi's lips.
They'd shifted even closer at some point, Hizashi half-spread over Shouta's chest, his fingers teasing the hair there, chuckling when his hand brushed a nipple and Shouta gasped.
"I barely touched you."
Shouta kissed him, hard, teeth grazing his bottom lip in an effort to distract him, but hissed when a fingertip flicked over his nipple, the pulse of sensation followed by a low laugh.
"Did I just find Eraserhead's weakness?"
"Guess my secret's out." His voice broke over the last syllable when Hizashi pinched him lightly, ruining any attempt at suavity.
"Oh no, whatever shall I do with this information?"
Shouta could have stopped him from sliding down, maybe even should have, and told him 'let's focus on you.'
But he wasn't perfect.
His toes clenched at the first touch of a warm, wet tongue to his nipple, one hand automatically reaching to clutch Hizashi's hair before he recalled the stipulation to be gentle and thought better of it. Instead it twisted into the sheets, his back arching as Hizashi's mouth closed on his chest and sucked.
He's going to dismantle you.
His mouth on one nipple, his fingers toying with the other. One being licked and nibbled, the other rubbed and scratched and pinched.
Normally Shouta wouldn't care about the sounds he was making, or that his cock was already stiffening again. Normally he'd lie back and enjoy it and curse and moan and wrap his legs around his partner so he could grind against them while they played with him, but-
"This was supposed to be about you," he forced out, strained.
"Exactly," Hizashi said, hardly even raising his head. "It's all about what I want."
Shouta flushed so hard he was sure it was visible even on his chest, because how many times had he imagined hearing some version of those words? Just how many of those lascivious daydreams had included Hizashi tying him down and whispering in his ear that he was going to do whatever he wanted?
Shouta gasped again, hips jerking as a hand gripped his cock.
"You want to be on top, then?"
"No." Hizashi said adamantly, hand withdrawing as he flinched away, but just as quickly, he shook his head and smiled anxiously.
"Ah, sorry. He had a thing about watching me and he always wanted me to...Anyway, I should probably add 'demeaning dirty talk' to the 'no' list, though I guess it's a little late now, and that doesn't really seem like your thing anyway. But hey, what do I know? Definitely didn't know you were a minor deity of giving oral, that's for-"
"You're babbling."
"Yeah, I do that."
"I figured it'd be more comfortable for you than me being on top of you."
Hizashi shook his head. "I told you, he never hurt me like that. I'm not doing a very good job at explaining it, but my bad memories aren't really about what he made me feel physically. Even when he'd pin me down, it wasn't like I was afraid he wouldn't let me up if I really tried. And I have even less reason to think that with you."
"But the way he'd talk to you was...?"
Hizashi bit his cheek. "Embarrassing."
Shouta again flashed back to his friend's near-boisterous comments on his sexual exploits, starting as far back as their second year of high school. That the kid who'd so excitedly told him about his first handjob and the man who'd once explained in great detail why vibrating tongue rings were the world’s greatest invention could be embarrassed by the things someone said to him in bed was...
Infuriating.
"What?" Hizashi asked, studying his face.
"I was so hard from eating your ass and swallowing your dick that I lasted about two seconds once you got a hand on me, but you're the one worried about being embarrassed."
Hizashi laughed, nose crinkling in a way that maybe shouldn't have been so attractive.
"Hey, a little consenting humiliation is hot. He was just an asshole about it."
"To put it mildly." Shouta turned on his side again, and Hizashi lay down, face hardly inches away.
"Do you want me to ride you?"
Shit, yes.
"No. I want you to be comfortable."
Hizashi smiled, shoving at his chest. "How are you like this?"
"Like what?"
"You're so..." He shook his head. "Nevermind, just kiss me."
It was slow again, exploratory, like before Hizashi had settled into his lap on the couch. Just gentle pressure, lips slotting together, warm, soft, Shouta's hand on Hizashi's hip, Hizashi's hand on top of his.
Then Hizashi scooted closer and threw his leg over Shouta's thigh, and the world went white for a second as their cocks aligned.
Shouta instinctively let his hand migrate over Hizashi's thigh, gripping just above his knee and hiking it higher, pulling him closer. Hizashi was making little breathless sounds against his mouth, not quite gasps, not quite moans, but still enough for Shouta to wish it wasn't his only opportunity to hear them.
The steady rocking of their hips felt close, felt...intimate. It felt like the kind of slow morning indulgence Shouta had only experienced a handful of times. Whether a partner or one night stand, there hadn't been many people he ever felt close enough to for the kind of vulnerable passion inherent in a lazy, early-morning roll.
But it was too easy to imagine that waking up with Hizashi could lead to exactly this, to soft touches and softer kisses. Maybe they would have already been naked from the night before, and the memories had been enough to rile them up. Or maybe Shouta would have woken up hard, pressed against Hizashi's back and smelling his shampoo, and would have slowly dragged him out of sleep with teasing touches so they could rub off on each other just like this, a tender back and forth between lovers.
But they were only lovers in the most technical sense.
However intimate it seemed, he was still only there as a favor. A helper.
A friend.
He trusts you more than anyone. But you're still going to walk away after this.
It was too much.
Shouta rolled them, pushing Hizashi onto his back, hoping to change the atmosphere from something almost romantic to something lewder. The way Hizashi groaned and hitched his leg even higher over his hip said he'd achieved exactly that.
Hizashi's cock was warm and leaking in the hollow between his groin and hip, pre-cum spreading as they continued to rut against each other. His arms were around Shouta's neck, keeping him pulled so close he could feel every breath Hizashi took pushing their chests together.
"Lube in the drawer?"
"Uh, yeah."
Shouta levered himself up enough to let Hizashi squirm over to the bedside table and reach in. He handed over a bottle that was more than half-empty, earning a raised eyebrow from Shouta.
Hizashi rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you try going three years without, we'll see how much you go through."
Shouta laughed softly, about to reassure him that he was only teasing, but it was hard not to notice how his demeanor changed at the sound of the cap flicking open. Head turned aside, eyes averted, mouth an unsmiling line, hands resting across his chest rather then splayed out at his sides.
"Hey," Shouta said, waiting for his attention. "Relax, will you? It's just me."
"It's not just you."
Shouta blinked. "Well, no, you're here too. That is the point of this."
"That's not what I mean." Hizashi smiled, a brief flicker of sunshine. "It's you."
Shouta froze.
Don't do this to me. Please.
All he had to do was ask for clarification. Hizashi would probably just tell him again about being the only one he trusted enough for this.
That's all he meant. Don't read too much into it. You're not that kind of special to him.
He stared, unmoving, until Hizashi turned pink, looking away again. "This is so stupid, why can't I just-"
He let out a startled noise when Shouta kissed him, arms tensing where they were pressed between their chests. Shouta cupped his face, deepening the kiss, wishing and dreading that Hizashi would feel everything he wanted to say.
You're never going to tell him. You're a coward. You're a fucking coward.
Shouta backed off again, taking pride in the slightly stunned look in Hizashi's eyes, lips parted and shiny.
"It's okay."
He wasn't even sure what he was saying. It was okay that Hizashi was acting irrationally? Or was he replying to whatever he'd meant by 'it's you'?
Hizashi smiled anxiously. "I don't know why I'm all shook up about this. I do this to myself all the time."
Now there was an image.
"Tell me," Shouta said as he sat up and dribbled lube over his fingers.
"About fingering myself?"
"Yeah." He watched Hizashi watching him smear his fingers together, wetting them, and couldn't tell if it was a look of longing or apprehension, or whether spreading his legs wider was a conscious act. "What do you think about?"
"Um..." He tensed at the first touch of Shouta's finger to his entrance, but relaxed when all he did was rub. "Whatever works at the time, I guess. If I was watching porn I'm usually focused on that."
"What do you like to watch?" He pressed the tip of his first finger in, but he had a feeling it wasn't the cause of the blush that rose on Hizashi's cheeks.
"I, uh...half the time I end up on some kind of gangbang at a kink club sort of thing.”
"You 'end up' there?" Hizashi was tight around his finger, clenching every time he pushed in.
"I don't know how, I swear." His eyes were shut, thighs tense like he was fighting to hold still.
"Figures you'd be into some kind of exhibitionism."
"Strictly fantasy," Hizashi said with a breathless laugh. "And it's not always stuff like that. There was this one-"
He stopped, biting his lip, as Shouta edged his middle finger in, stopping at the first knuckle.
"One...?"
"Ah...there was this one I found a while back that's just a homemade thing, boyfriends. They're..." He gasped as both fingers slid completely inside him. "They're in their kitchen and they start out with the bottom bent over the counter, but they keep..." He trailed off, squirming at the feeling of Shouta's fingers wiggling.
"They keep...?"
"They keep changing positions, and-"
Shouta curled his fingers, and Hizashi gasped sharply, clapping a hand over his mouth. Despite the way his cock had twitched, metal bar enticing, Shouta waited until he felt Hizashi grind down against his fingers.
"Keep going," he said, massaging the spot that had Hizashi arching, hand leaving his mouth to grip the pillow instead.
"And the bottom is super flexible, so they're g-getting fucking acrobatic but you can tell they're in love because they keep, ah..."
Does he get this wet for everyone? Or is it just because it's you?
Shouta leaned over and licked at the shiny head of his cock, moaning when Hizashi finally closed a hand in his hair.
"...They keep talking to each other real soft and they c-can't stop kissing each other."
"Cute," Shouta said. He sat up and dripped more lube over Hizashi's entrance, slowly swiping his fingers over his prostate and making him shudder.
"You watch..." Hizashi stopped when he pressed a third finger in, tightening so much that Shouta's conscientious attention was momentarily overridden by thoughts of how it would feel around his cock.
He stopped, his other hand petting over Hizashi's hip until he resumed talking.
"You watch homemade stuff a lot?"
"Sometimes."
"What do you usually like?"
Shouta smirked. "You're going to laugh."
"I doubt it," Hizashi replied breathlessly as three fingers curled inside him.
"You know those ads for those really clichéd plots? With the hot young pool boy getting pulled into a threesome with the owners, or the pizza delivery shows up and the guy answers the door naked?"
Stunned into disbelief at first, Hizashi burst into laughter, contracting hard around Shouta's fingers.
"Oh my fucking...And the one where the guy sees his roommate's huge dick in the shower and looks so fucking shocked but then he joins him? Are you serious?"
"Absolutely."
Hizashi shook his head, still smiling even as he rocked onto Shouta's fingers. "You're not serious."
"I would never lie about porn."
"Come on, what are you really into?"
This. You. You, letting me have you, looking so damn beautiful, looking like you might as well be something ethereal with that smile and that body and those eyes, giving me everything even when you're too scared to admit how scared you are.
"Is that really what you want to talk about right now?"
"You've got me curious. Do you go looking for guys with piercings?"
"No."
"But you do like them?"
"I think you know the answer to that." Shouta's fingers were gliding in and out with ease, the slick sounds almost as good as the hitch in Hizashi's voice every time he crooked them upward.
"Camboys?"
"No."
"You're secretly really into lesbians?"
Shouta huffed with laughter. "No, and if you're still trying to guess then I can't be doing a very good job."
"Trust me, you're doing great." He looked too good not to be purposeful, his head tilted back to show his tauntingly bare neck, hips rolling smoothly. "Maybe I'm just trying to distract myself."
Shouta stilled his hand. "Don't do that."
"What, you mean it's not healthy to try to dissociate?"
Shouta pulled his fingers out, not missing the slight wince. "Is that what you'd do with him?"
"Sorry," Hizashi said quietly, and the guilt on his face made Shouta want to be the one apologizing.
"Do you want to stop?"
"No! Really, no, I'm just..." He fidgeted. "Trying to take the focus off me, for once in my life."
"Well, too bad. It's still all about you."
"But-"
"And don't say anything about it not being good for me, too. Your self-esteem could never be that low."
"You know, you managed to make that not sound like a compliment."
"What, implying that you're full of yourself?"
"Well I could be full of yourself if you'd get on with it."
"That was awful."
"I'm nervous, cut me some slack."
Shouta glanced around for the condoms, eventually seeing where they'd been knocked to the floor and maybe arching his back a little more than necessary while he bent to reach them. He could see Hizashi playing with his piercing while he watched him rip one open and roll it on, but he stopped when Shouta moved back between his legs.
Hizashi's easy smiles were gone, all pretense of joviality drowned out by obvious unease. Shouta rubbed his thighs lightly, waiting for some kind of signal - a reassuring smile, a teasing 'what are you waiting for?' - and growing more worried with every second that none came.
He could have asked, again, if Hizashi wanted to continue, but a nagging thought kept him from doing so, afraid that if he led, Hizashi would follow. That any 'are you,' 'do you,' or 'can I' would be answered with 'yes' even if he wasn't completely sure.
So he waited, gliding his hands up Hizashi's legs, tracing over his hip bones, content to let their momentum stall until Hizashi took the reins.
Hizashi's wandering eyes finally locked on to Shouta. He took a deep breath and sat up, and Shouta met him halfway, letting himself be pulled down to lie on top of him.
The way he kissed was becoming familiar. How he tilted his head, how his soft lips felt against Shouta's chapped ones, even the way his hand felt on the back of his neck.
Hizashi's other hand was reaching between them, down to grip Shouta's cock and guide it to his entrance. He gasped sharply as he was breached, going stiff under Shouta, clamping down hard enough to be uncomfortable.
"You have to breathe at some point," he muttered against Hizashi's mouth.
Hizashi let out a single soft huff of laughter and relaxed, exhaling slowly, hands resting on Shouta's waist.
Shouta couldn't remember ever being so tense during sex. Even his first time, he'd been eager for the experience, anxious to get it out of the way. He'd never been scared of fucking up. He'd never gone so painstakingly slow and taken in so much of his partner - every slight tremble of his breathing, each point where his fingers gripped, the crease that he wanted to kiss away between his furrowed brows.
You've never made love to someone before.
"You're shaking," he whispered.
"Am I?" Hizashi hid his face against Shouta's neck as his hands slid up to his shoulders, pulling him even closer.
Shouta stilled his hips. His cock was throbbing and he could nearly taste how good it would feel to push the rest of the way in and have Hizashi wringing all of him so tightly, but he shoved the thought away.
Instead he braced himself on one arm and reached for Hizashi's cock, relieved that he hadn't gone entirely soft. It twitched in Shouta's hand, and Hizashi moaned softly into his neck, more felt than heard.
His shallow, anxious breaths turned to deeper sighs, still clinging to Shouta but relaxing enough to rock into the hand stroking his length. He sought out Shouta's mouth and kissed him, and those little moans reverberating in his mouth urged Shouta forward until his hips were finally pressed firmly against skin.
Hizashi lay still beneath him, eyes tightly shut, fingers digging into Shouta's shoulders.
"Hey," Shouta murmured, and Hizashi opened his eyes, hands relaxing. "Where'd you go?"
"I'm here. I'm okay."
Shouta looked back and forth between his eyes. It felt like a lie, but how far did he want to push? Was it better to let Hizashi pretend he was fine or make him talk through the things he wanted to distance himself from?
Before he had an answer, Hizashi looked away and spoke.
"I said I wasn't going to have flashbacks or anything like that."
"Did you?"
"I just couldn't help remembering the last time this happened, and how by then it was normal for me to just keep quiet because it was easier to let him do what he wanted." His firmly averted eyes were growing wetter as he spoke.
"I would think 'I don't want this' and then I wouldn't do anything about it. I'd tell myself to play along and it would be over sooner. I was so..." He trailed off, shaking his head.
"It's not your fault," Shouta said. He swiped away a tear that had escaped and turned Hizashi's face toward him, but he kept his eyes cast aside.
"He took advantage of you loving him. He created a fucked up situation; you didn't let it happen. It's on him."
Hizashi's gaze flicked briefly to him, then away again before he laughed sardonically and rubbed his eyes.
"Sexy as fuck, right?"
Shouta smiled, letting him drop the subject. One conversation could only go so far toward healing him, anyway. Or maybe he just couldn't stand the sight of him crying.
"Seriously," Hizashi continued. "I don't know how you're still hard after that."
"Doesn't feel like you're soft, either."
"It's been three years, what's your excuse?"
"My excuse?" Shouta ground his hips forward and leaned down to mutter slowly in Hizashi's ear. "You feel so damn good."
The delicious, whispered "oh" he got in response was interrupted by a moan as he sucked at the sensitive skin on his neck, imagining leaving a mark to match his own.
Hizashi's arms were back around his shoulders, clinging, but with passion instead of disquietude. He was grinding back against the slow rolls of Shouta's hips, tugging his head up by his hair to kiss him again, breath hot, tongue insistent, breaking off with a cry when Shouta readjusted to pull out and thrust back in.
"Good?"
"Yes..."
Sharp. Hot. Electric.
So much better than the most desperate, erotic sounds his mind could conjure.
Shouta let his head drop, mouthing along Hizashi's collarbone, already panting with the effort of holding back, of slowly thrusting and drawing out those long, soft noises of pleasure.
Nails scratched down his back, lightly, but enough that he arched into it, hips speeding up. A hand grabbed his chin and held it while Hizashi nipped at his lips and licked into his mouth possessively. Something had spurred him into taking command, and Shouta was more than happy to allow it. He was powerless anyway, pulled in, lost to the feeling of Hizashi's body against his, taking him in.
Staggering, stunning, paralyzing - running on instinct with a mind free of everything but want and need and love.
Hizashi's legs hooked over his waist and Shouta reached back to grab his thigh, pulling it higher and moving faster, harder.
"Shit, shit," Hizashi panted out. One hand kept a tight hold on Shouta and the other kept roaming, leaving his shoulder to clutch at the pillow, catching some of his own hair in his fist, then slapping on the wall above his head, pushing against it, then gripping Shouta's arm, then reaching down between them to his cock. Every breath came out a moan, high and wanton, broken by whimpers and curses, all of it sinfully perfect to Shouta's ears, nearly as enthralling as the half-tortured look on his face.
Shouta could hear the low, possessive noise he was making, halfway to a growl, but even if he could have stopped himself, he didn't want to. He wanted Hizashi to remember him like this, claiming him like this.
"Shouta..."
Hizashi's voice broke halfway through his name, ending it in a frantic whisper, and it was too much of a plea to handle. Shouta kissed him roughly, sealing their mouths together, needing to have all of him, to have Hizashi feel as undone by him as Shouta was by the extraordinary man beneath him.
Hizashi's moans were closer to whines, growing higher and sharper, body tensing except for the hand rapidly stroking his cock. He pulled away from Shouta's mouth with a strained gasp and panted out his name, getting as far as "Shou..." before breaking off as his walls clamped hard around Shouta's length.
Shouta had his quirk activated before Hizashi could make a sound, but it was unnecessary. Hizashi clapped a hand over his mouth and his whole body trembled with the fight to keep any noise from escaping. Not that it mattered how silent he was; the sight he made didn't give Shouta the option of looking away.
The pulsing contractions around his cock finally began to taper off, but Shouta didn't slow his pace until he finally heard Hizashi moan, a high, helpless noise muffled by his hand, his other hand still slowly stroking himself.
Shouta was shaking with the urge to keep going, to abandon rationality and keep thrusting into the welcoming heat until he finished at the sound of Hizashi screaming his name. His thighs were burning as he held himself back from grinding into Hizashi's oversensitive body, and he felt like his arms were going to give out, but it all seemed inconsequential when Hizashi pulled his hand from his mouth and he was smiling with soft contentment even as he panted, eyes half-closed as he gazed up at Shouta.
He pulled Shouta close and kissed him chastely, a quick peck, two, three, four, smiling against his lips. His legs slowly dropped down onto the bed, and Shouta pulled out, kissing away the wince on Hizashi's face while his hand immediately went to his cock, pulling the condom off and throwing it aside to be dealt with later. He didn't care if Hizashi noticed his brutally fast pace or the quiver in his breath, not when he was so close and Hizashi was still looking blissfully dazed and gently toying with his piercing.
Hizashi reached for his chest, and fingers finding his nipple was all it took; Shouta hissed sharply through gritted teeth as his climax overtook him, gasping as Hizashi pinched and petted him through it.
He let himself collapse before the buzz of his orgasm faded, shutting his eyes with his ear pressed close to Hizashi's heartbeat, still beating out a rhythm nearly as rapid as his own. His ever-logical mind knew it was merely physical, that sex was startlingly stressful on the body, but if he listened to the satisfied thrum of his body, he could imagine Hizashi's heart was racing just for him.
A hand stroked through his hair and instead of being pleasant, it made a coil of yearning settle in his gut, because as soon as that hand stopped, it would all be over. Once the sweat and mingled mess between them dried and became uncomfortable instead of amatory, once their labored breaths settled down and the high wore off, the walls would go back up. The boundaries he'd been allowed to demolish would be rebuilt.
Shouta wished he could fall asleep. Then he could skip the awkwardness. He wouldn't have to respond when Hizashi inevitably spoke. He could sneak out in the morning and have his final memory of the night be that of the stark intimacy of lying naked with someone in a shared moment.
But guilt would eat away at him if he tried to take any more of that moment for himself.
He rolled off of Hizashi and looked over at his still-smiling face. "So?"
"So what?"
"How do you feel?"
Hizashi rolled to face him. "Good," he said softly. "Accomplished, I guess."
He's gotten what he needed and he can move on.
"Kind of excited."
Because now he can go fuck anyone who isn't you.
"But?" Shouta asked, knowing too well what his distant look meant.
Hizashi sighed. "What if it doesn't change anything? What if I try to sleep with someone and I still just...can't?"
Is there a way to offer yourself as many times as he needs without being crude or desperate?
"It's not like you to doubt yourself."
"You mean it didn't used to be."
Shouta wanted to tell him that it still wasn't, that he just wasn't seeing himself clearly, but Hizashi continued.
"Anyway, I feel gross." He grinned when Shouta chuckled. "I'm gonna go shower real quick, you coming?"
Don't drag out the act any more than necessary. Don't linger in this space where you can pretend you're more than friends.
Shouta shook his head. "Mind if I sleep here?"
"You really have to ask?" Hizashi replied with a fondness he couldn't have known would sting.
Shouta watched him tie his hair up as he disappeared into the bathroom and wondered if he'd be better off going home. Sleeping in Hizashi’s bed wasn't normally an issue - any other night, he wouldn't be afraid his obsession could get any worse.
A wet rag landed on his chest, making him realize he'd been halfway to sleep already. He cleaned himself off and dropped the washcloth on the floor, next to Hizashi's dirtied shirt. He intended to stay awake long enough to talk to Hizashi one last time so he could get everything he needed to say out, and in the morning they could pretend like it never happened. They could go back to being best friends. Nothing more, nothing else.
But crawling under the sheets and being surrounded by a smell that had always meant safety to him had Shouta drifting, just aware enough that the click of the light turning off and the careful movements of Hizashi settling into bed pulled him into consciousness.
Maybe the right thing to do would have been to let him know he was awake. Maybe Hizashi had more to say, maybe it was callous of Shouta to pass out so soon after possibly changing his life.
But there was too much safety in the dark. Too much space to say things he'd sworn would never see the light of day, not when Hizashi's vision of the future only had room for him as a friend.
So he lay there, unmoving, feeling far from sleep, for long minutes, until Hizashi curled against his back. He was trying to convince himself it was just like any other time - Hizashi was a cuddler, he would always latch on in his sleep, this meant nothing - when Hizashi spoke.
"I couldn't say it before because it felt cheap after everything, but...thanks, Shouta." His voice was soft, hardly more than a whisper.
"Sometimes I don't think you get how much I...Sometimes I'm afraid I'm not as important to you as you are to me. And I guess I'm also afraid of how you'd react if I told you that. You'd probably just point out that we're different people and we show affection differently and then say that if you didn't care about me you wouldn't hang around me because that would be illogical.
"But you know how I am, always pouring my heart out and hoping I get something in return. I stopped doing that with you, I guess. I used to hang all over you. Back in high school I used to actually tell you that you mattered to me. And you know, with anyone else it would probably hurt that you’ve never said anything like that to me. But you're you. I think after so long I just trust you enough that I don't need to hear it.
"But I do wish I hadn't stopped telling you. And that I could say any of this while you're awake." He curled closer, breath warming the back of Shouta's neck, hand resting on his waist.
"I love you, and I'll say it enough for both of us, okay?"
Tell him.
Shouta's eyes burned. His chest ached.
Tell him.
What would Hizashi do, if Shouta told him how much it hurt to hear that he'd made him feel like he was anything less than the most important person in his life? If Shouta told him how wrong he was?
Tell him.
Shouta grabbed the hand at his waist, not reacting to the slight gasp as Hizashi stiffened in surprise, and dragged it up to rest over his pounding heart.