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'Some people fall in love at first sight and then realize relationships don't work like that, so they break up. Some others start from friends but realize they were better off as friends, so they break up. Don't even get me started on how toxic enemies to lovers can be! Even the small percentage of people who keep dating 'till the end aren't guaranteed to stay happy. Most of them just get used to each other.'
That's why I don't wanna date him. We just hang out (wherever and whenever his friends can't see) and have sex and argue a lot. We talk. I mostly enjoy it. But I'm not enough of an idiot to get ahead of myself. I wear his sweaters and he calls me cute, I bring him tea and he thanks me, he kisses me and I kiss him back, he holds me and I moan. He says sweet stuff that makes me sad. I brush all of it off with a bad joke. It's not like he's serious. It's not like we haven't established boundaries.
"Hachiman..." He hugs me from behind. "I'm tired, let's go home."
"Unfortunately you have to go to your own home today. I have a date with Komachi." The empty classroom is a little bit colder than usual, maybe that's why his breaths on my neck feel so warm. "You siscon!" He giggles. "I might be a siscon," I don't have any intention to deny it."But you definitely are a pervert. I don't want you near Komachi." He giggles again and buries his face in my neck. I've come to not mind it. I might even enjoy it, sometimes, maybe. "You owe me a date." His voice is muffled. It's kinda amusing to see him upset over something like this.
"I don't owe you anything. But you can come over on Friday. Komachi's gonna stay with her friend." He looks up at me with a huge grin on his face. It's annoying, but it's cute. In his unique ways, he's cute. Not like Komachi or Totsuka. A different kind of cute. A kind that makes my heart skip a beat. "Now let me go... please."
I just rush to Komachi.
**********
It's nice to have someone like him around. Someone I can be myself around. It's not that he doesn't judge my uncensored self (He's actually quite harsh on me) but it's just nice that I can expect the same amount of honesty from him. I can be easy on myself and not worry about my words. Well, it used to be that way; but lately, I've become self-conscious again. Maybe even more than before. I keep wondering if my moves aren't right or if I'm upsetting him or if I'm not pleasing him enough. I keep wondering if I should've had approached him differently from the start. But if I did, would we end up as close? Or would he just find me uninteresting?
He never smiles at me. He smirks and laughs (mostly at me, but it's harmless and cute) but I don't see that genuine smile he shows to Yui or Totsuka. Although, I might be the only one who sees him blush and hears him moan. I knew he'd like it rough, but it amuses, the fact that he's almost down to anything. I haven't asked for anything too risky or too uncomfortable. But maybe when we get a little closer... Maybe when he opens up to me... Maybe then...
But yet again, I was let down. I wanna take him out. I wanna show him to my friends and tell them he's my boyfriend. Tell all the others to back off.
But he's not. We've already established boundaries and I'm scared to push for anything. What if I'm not good enough? I've never been not good enough, it's like he's shaking my whole existence. Maybe that's why I like him.