Work Text:
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IV. Once again
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“will i see you again?”
the doctor hears a voice say from nearby as he signs off the patient’s papers in front of him. handing the clipboard for nurse taehyun to take, lee felix turns in the direction the voice had spoken from and finds that the question was not directed towards him.
a middle aged woman sitting on the waiting chairs outside of the emergency room was speaking into her phone, asking this, and for some reason he couldn’t find it in himself to look away. maybe because he too had once asked those same words. not just once though.
every time his partner would have to leave, felix had fearfully asked that question. ‘will i see you again?’ those five seemingly hopeful words... which held no hope at all for them.
a whole year after their breakup and the blonde male felt as if some type of joke was being played on him. everywhere felix turned, he was there. not in present and physical form of course, but in other people’s words, his own afflicted thoughts, even the freaking weather …
the doctor felt like he was standing in front of a destiny that kept passing by him.
well if this destiny was just going to ignore him every single time, why not give him a new one?
one full of sincere promises instead of empty ones , felix bitterly thinks as he turns around right when a patient in a wheelchair is being brought in. alongside walks in his colleague, dr. han eunji, the person who would be his saviour in due time. just as she would wear her identification badge and stethoscope and clock in, lee felix would be finally free of this exhausting, endless night shift.
he waits for her to do so. instead, the bratty noona walks right past him and up to the counter where nurse taehyun is sitting at, completely ignoring felix’s dumbfounded look, leaving the poor male standing there and pointing towards the employee room.
the wheelchair patient starts making a move in that direction, most likely thinking the blonde doctor was directing him there. it caused him to finally snap out of it and quickly veer the elderly man back on course, handing him over to a nurse who was passing by.
“i can’t find the nurse who brought him in, but the patient’s charts have already been filled out and are in the back pocket of the wheelchair. check his vitals and do the normal procedural check up while asking him about symptoms, medications, so on.” he says albeit forcefully to the nurse.
he instantly feels bad for speaking to her in that tone.
heck, felix knew how busy they were as an er doctor himself, but he was also so hecking tired from having at most 5 hours of sleep in the past three days. any second now, he was going to pass out onto the cold hospital tiles, which honestly wasn’t the most sanitary place to rest.
which is why if dr. han eunji, who went by mia with her colleagues and patients, would just clock in. then he could clock the fuck out .
the problem was… mia was the daughter of one of the head surgeons (who also happened to be a chairman) of the hospital. therefore messing with her meant messing with her father, a leverage mia used as she pleased, to the point where felix was ready to rebel, connections be damned. he might lose his job- wait no… he needed this job. but oh what the blonde male would give to deliver a smack to the girl, everytime she used someone for her own needs.
for once, felix was feeling up the courage to actually go and give mia a piece of his mind though. he wasn’t sure if it was the lack of sleep or humiliation he’s had to suffer, but the doctor finds his lazy feet carrying him over to the counter and right when he’s about to tap her on the shoulder, he hears a high pitched, “you’re home?!”
mia has her phone on speaker as she says this and the reply she gets is, “yes. sergeant choi byung chan! reporting for doctor han eunji! i will be coming home soon.”
at the cute response, felix flinches. even a ruthless and rude girl gets her happy ending huh. but if mia’s boyfriend was home, that meant… so was he .
was it a dream that he couldn’t wake from?
a year later and felix still religiously watched the news and eavesdropped on mia’s calls to get any possible news on him . to just hear… get any type of reassurance… that the other was safe. that he hadn’t been in any danger. that he wasn’t… injured.
but why?
shouldn’t he have already given up?
the blonde hair male didn’t even know the answer to that question to be honest. a voice in his head peeped that he was a doctor. shouldn’t felix have the answers to everything? everything related to pain at least?
pain… felix thinks, a memory coming back to him.
“ah-ah-it hurrrtttsss.”
felix glances up from his work with the cut to hyunjin’s scrunched up face. he scoffs.
“stop whining you big oaf. you’re the one who got yourself into this mess in the first place.”
he doesn’t have to look up again to know that the older was probably already giving him one of those irresistible pouts. which is why the blonde made a spur of the second oath to not fall for the other’s tactics.
little did he know he would be breaking that oath not only a second later.
“dr. lee, shouldn’t you be comforting those in pain, rather than scolding them?”
the corners of felix’s lip tilt upward. “oh should i? even if their names start with hyunjin and end with hwang?” he picks out a tiny shard of glass with his tweezer and places it on a tray at the side. “mmm, no… i don’t think i can do that sergeant hwang.”
the brown haired male he was attending to lets out a booming, warm laugh that fills the blonde’s heart for days to come.
“i suppose even doctors can be cruel.”
the past felix had already realized then that they were getting farther away from each other, but he didn’t know what to make of it, so when hyunjin initiated the first action of love, felix naively and willingly let him.
“doctors are only cruel to sergeants who don’t take care of themselves. you better not be moving that arm for the next few days.” felix warns. “doctor’s orders.” he turns to leave, but a hand latches onto his wrist.
like a scene from a drama, time slows down as felix is spun around right into the arms of the man sitting up on the hospital bed.
the blonde doctor, being the clumsy person he was, accidentally grabs at a shelf nearby (bringing down a whole stack of kimwipe tissues), his other flailing to finally grasp at hyunjin’s camo uniform.
if time had slowed down before, it seemed to have come to a complete stop now that felix’s wide eyes had found hyunjin’s dark orbs. they stayed like that for a while, hyunjin sitting on the bed, felix slightly on top of him. he could guess that they were both weighing their options now- literally.
before felix could choose to pull away, the hand on his wrist tugs him closer, bringing their faces only inches apart.
“if i promise to take care of myself,” hyunjin starts, his breath hitting felix’s mouth. “would you let me be cruel enough to steal a kiss from you?”
at first it doesn’t make sense to him. maybe it was because of their close proximity or it could have also been his fuzzy head or maybe even his pounding, erratic heartbeat,... but for whatever reason, hyunjin’s words only start to make sense when the other leans in, not even waiting for a response.
because they both knew if hyunjin had waited for felix to respond, the opportunity would have passed. felix would have over-thought and gotten paged for another patient. hyunjin would have received a call from his base, and… the list of possible interruptions went on. they didn’t have that kind of time for each other.
but still, the older wanted to give it a chance.
which is why felix let all of his mind blank as their lips pressed into a soft and gentle embrace, hyunjin’s plush lips pushing into the smaller’s lush ones as if he would disappear any second. to say felix hadn’t responded with as much fervor would be an understatement.
they had done barely anything but were still gasping for air as they came apart. hyunjin’s uniform was now crumpled at the shoulders from where felix had been gripping them tightly, and felix’s face was painted a bright shade of pink.
still, they were pleased, thrilled, and.... felix should have said it back then.
in love.
not even once, had he told the other,
“i love you”
deep inside his heart, as the start of their relationship bloomed, the muscle whispered, ‘don’t let me cry.’
little had they both known.
“hoobae?”
“hoobae felix?”
felix blinks back to the present just in time to hear mia saying, “wow he must be a real airhead, don’t know how we got this one on the team.”
he’s ready to scowl and give the other a well deserved smack in her powdered face, when he realizes mia has already changed into her white coat, stethoscope hanging around the neck.
“oh hello there! i thought we lost you. i clocked in, so you can go now. unless you want to stay…?” she asks, drawing out the last part as if she was already thinking of ways she could get felix to stay behind.
yeah, no thanks.
felix practically shouts, “i’ll be on my way then!”
he reluctantly gives a quick bow to mia and the nurses hanging around in the area. then he grabs his belongings which he had already kept placed on a nearby chair: his beige cashmere coverall which proved to be super comfy and an extra warm layer when it got really cold late in the night at the hospital. the other thing was something hyunjin had bought for him, but he didn’t have the heart to throw it away.
the doctor pulls on the black bookbag that hyunjin had delivered as a gift from when he had to ‘make a mission trip’ to germany.
felix walks out the sliding doors of the main entrance of the hospital, sending half assed smiles to everyone- the patients coming in, the physician assistants, the valet personnel, everyone.
the morning had just begun for seoul, but he was beyond tired. so tired, he wasn’t sure he would make it alive to home while taking the bus. maybe stopping by at a cafe to pick up an espresso would help.
another flashback happens as he’s walking down past seoul’s shops, lined up prettily next to each other, glass windows glinting at him even in the day. felix pulls at the black straps around his shoulders remembering how he had been in this same exact area when he received a text message after four long months.
felix dug his white sneakers into the snow as he watched the snow fall around him. christmas was already here in seoul and everywhere he looked, there were couples surrounding him or maybe family and friends just hanging out with one another, huddled close so they wouldn’t get cold.
standing in nothing but his all white healthcare physician outfit, felix thought he probably looked like a ghost to everyone else.
what did it matter anyways? the one he loved hadn’t contacted him for 121 days, 6 hours, 8 minutes, and 31 seconds. yes he was sane enough to let his watch do the calculations, instead of timing the other’s absence himself. if felix were the one to keep count in his head at all times, he would have gone insane at this point.
but really, was a simple ‘hey? how’s it going over there? i just ate a sandwich for lunch, but it’s not the same as the ones you make for me :(‘ , such a hard thing to text?
the blonde male stares at the grand water fountain across the street from him. it held a quite majestic beauty around it, a vibe of purity. he wonders if it could work some sort of magic. maybe if he dropped a coin and made a wish for a stupid man to come back to korea… to come back to him… it would work.
maybe he was on some christmas spirit crack or being possessed, but dr. lee finds himself doing exactly that. he throws a bronze coin in and makes a wish.
nothing happens.
day and day passed by and felix was afraid that hyunjin was becoming a dream. a dream that he would make the mistake of touching one day, and poof! he would disappear just like that. gone like the snow that would eventually melt on the seoul streets as winter passed, and spring came.
felix missed the other so much, he became him in a way. doing everything hyunjin would; going to the places he liked to eat, the places he went for fun, the places he went to shop, and even going to the laundromat the soldier got his clothes cleaned at.
the least the stupid wish he had made on the coin could do was show a sign that the other was alive!
and that’s when it happened.
ding!
felix cried out in shock, not minding the looks he got from nearby pedestrians. he turned on his phone to see (2 new messages from hyun boss).
the nickname was so silly, he almost laughed, but the blonde was more curious about what the other had to finally say to him after months of no communication.
“hey? how’s it going over there? i just ate a sandwich for lunch, but it’s not the same as the ones you make for me :(“
the first message made him snort. just as he had predicted from hwang hyunjin.
the second message made him hurt.
“i miss you sunshine.”
if you really missed me, would you be halfway across the world right now? would you just not text me for four fucking months?
felix could honestly just keep going. he had so many reasons to be mad.
but he couldn’t be mad. because although he didn’t know the details, the doctor did understand the nature of hyunjin’s job. keeping close contact with the ones he loved, could mean possible danger for them back at home.
it must have been tough for him too.
before he could send a reply, another text comes, “you know… standing there like that with the streetlight hitting you, you look like a beautiful angel. the only one in the world, who fell into my world all dressed in white, and saved me from a war.”
felix’s eyebrows knit in confusion at that. there was no way...
“no, i’m not there silly. but if you look next to the soondae stand, you’ll see my sergeant in training, yang jeongin, standing there.”
he looks up quickly, eyes scrambling to find a man in a green camo uniform. there were so many people in the night, he had to turn his head this way and that, when finally a green boy pops out from next to a food truck, smiling like a fennec fox. he looked to be only nineteen. so young.
so this was sergeant yang jeongin. a boy he’s been seeing around a lot lately for the past four months. at first, felix thought it was a coincidence that they kept seeing each other, then he thought he was getting followed because he had upset the government in some way (which had led to some very dramatic runaway action movie worth scenes), but finally he concluded that the other most likely had a crush on him.
now hyunjin was telling him,
“let him do his job, and pretend that he’s still not there felix. he watches out for you.”
felix raised his eyebrows, but his body tingled in some sort of way.
“sooo… you’re asking me to overlook the fact that you two are collectively stalking me?”
they both know it’s a playful joke, but hyunjin pretends to act appalled.
“ayee. what do you accuse me of? it is my duty to protect my nation’s citizens. i would never do anything to inflict harm you. power of unity.”
don’t make promises you can’t keep. that’s what felix should have said. but instead, like the silly lovesick fool he was, he said, “i don’t mind if you actually are stalking me~~”
with which hyunjin had over confidently replied, “i know you don’t. i mean it’s your amazingly strong and handsome boyfriend looking after you. who else?” then not a minute later, their conversation ends short. “i have to get going, but when you get home, you’ll see the present i left for you.”
the present had been the sturdy black backpack, a practical gift for his medical supplies and textbooks that he took to the hospital. inside, there was a military chain necklace. it was something a solider wore like an identification badge. hyunjin said he sent felix one so that the former could protect him even when he wasn’t in korea.
“merry christmas felix <3, i”
you??
“i miss you.”
and felix didn’t hold onto him after that, because he thought hyunjin would come back regardless. he let him go and do whatever he was doing with that last text.
on the inside, he kept longing for the other, thinking he would see him again, but he didn’t.
a couple months later, they broke up on a phone call.
what a useless memory, he thinks disdainfully.
now he stood, paused, in front of the very fountain he had stood at that winter. the supposed magic fountain. this was where his feverish feelings had started, and this is where it would end. felix was sure of this, he had to break away from that man. he started to pull off the chain necklace hyunjin had gave him, ready to throw it into the water.
then like an emergency light on a seoul summer morning, an ambulance wailed by on the street, leaving a tall stature in its wake.
the blonde male blinked once, then twice.
there was no way he was seeing right.
he took a wobbly step backward not caring for the people walking past him. there was only one person he was focused on. a person who he thought was never going to come back to his homeland. someone who would possibly die in another country in the name and honor of korea. there was no way that same person that consumed felix’s thoughts day and night would be standing there in the sunlight, under the seoul sky, their eyes fixed on him.
no.
he refused to believe.
then the man takes a step forward, and felix has never wanted to turn and run for his life so badly than he did now. every cell in his body was screaming that this man was dangerous.
but his body refused to move. because his heart had already made it clear.
hyunjin was his start and end. hyunjin was always his answer. the answer that not even medicine could solve for him, to fill a gap in his heart he didn’t know existed in the first place.
how many nights had he convinced himself that he, himself, was the only one that could embody a bright light in the lonely and scary darkness that followed after their break up? he hated hyunjin to the core. but no matter how much felix thought about it before, the answer was apparently still him .
felix thinks it’s ridiculous how he couldn’t get not one nerve in his body to work, to twitch, to move , so that he could run.
he’s treated patients with neurological disorders, so what was the problem here? wasn’t he writing the wrong answer in his heart by letting the soldier walk up to him? no matter how hard the blonde was trying to push him out of his mind, his heart wouldn’t let him. what a stupid heart.
what was next? was the other going to start showing up in his dreams ?
as the man gets closer, felix looks lower. he doesn’t want to look at the other’s face.
although a huge part of him was relieved that the other didn’t seem to sustain any type of injury, you never knew what a soldier hid under their uniform. instead of the usual green cameo he wore for war though, the taller male was wearing something similar to that of what military personnel would wear at a ceremony.
it suited him well, felix thought albeit distractedly. as did everything on the other’s sturdy body, his thoughts add, as he observes the cetacean blue suit adorned with medals and a star that wasn’t there before.
well, he sure was glad something good came out of their rocky time in the past year. hyunjin must have completed some honorary act that would have earned him that star.
then the wait was suddenly over as the golden buttons he had been scrutinizing from afar, were suddenly five feet in front of him. the pristine clasps led up to a necktie, then a cleanly folded collar, and then-
no, he couldn’t look up any further.
there’s silence in between them for a good minute before the other speaks, and felix finally hears the warm, honey voice he hasn’t heard in more than a year now. the one hyunjin reserved only for him. the voice that posed as a safe sanctuary that the doctor could find refuge in at any time, no matter what was going on in the world.
and the first word the other says with that same exact voice,
is his name.
“ felix .”
it’s enough to have his knees going weak. he wants to collapse into the other’s arms right there and then. he wants to stay there and cry. he wants to cry for days for all the pain and misery he had to go through alone, waiting for him.
oh no.
no, this wasn’t any good.
crying and showing a form of weakness to hyunjin, breaking first and showing how much their relationship had meant to felix, would mean utter defeat.
as a doctor, he faced invisible wars in the emergency room with diseases, illnesses, gunshot wounds, and more that ailed humankind. as a soldier, hyunjin faced his own physical wars with guns and weaponry in defense or offense to other countries, protecting korea’s interest.
but this war going on between them was something different then what they were used to. this was a battle called love. love was an invisible and physical war. it was always unpredictable and changed for each player on the battlefield. it had definitely already changed hyunjin and felix who were once comrades, to turn against one another.
felix had already lost once though. he was determined not to lose again.
“fuck you.” felix grits out, finally looking up to meet the other’s eyes, trying not to look anywhere else.
he didn’t want to look… at the other’s dark brown parted hairstyle, at the bangs at the side of his face, at how his face seemed to have lost weight and matured (whether it was because of war, detachment, or something else, felix couldn’t figure out).
hyunjin’s perfected, still, army poker face doesn’t change, but felix could see hurt in the other’s eyes.
good.
honestly, what was the other expecting?
a kiss?
“ a hug.”
felix blinks up at the taller male like he’s lost his mind. after everything that had happened, hyunjin wanted a hug?
what a funny fucking man. how he dare he even build up the nerve to show his face after dumping him.
the blonde male thinks that he’s done here and is about to walk around the other, when he’s pulled by the wrist, closing the distance between the doctor and soldier.
and he falls perfectly into hyunjin’s open arms. the taller man’s arms come down like a vice grip around the smaller’s body as if the older male was afraid felix was going to try and run away again.
why was he always getting pulled by the wrist?
as much as felix wanted to hate it, hate the feeling of long limbs embraced around him, his heart betrayed him. it beat fast and hard against the other’s chest. it beat for hyunjin , loving how the other held him tight like he was the only person in the world, the only one that hyunjin would protect and serve until death did them apart.
he doesn’t even the energy to resist when hyunjin plants his face into felix’s neck, where his dirty doctor's cloth collar rested. he wanted to protest because it was probably infested with germs, but the other wouldn’t budge and started whispering to him.
felix closes his eyes in hopes to not let any tears escape. he hadn’t been planning on crying, but hyunjin was proving to make that real difficult for him.
“i don’t wanna lose you.” is the first soft confession he hears.
then a broken, “i don’t want to be without you anymore.”
what was the use of saying all of this now ? felix wanted to push back and throw a tantrum.
what was hyunjin trying to achieve by saying all of this when a year back, he had told felix that he didn’t want the other meddling in each other’s businesses. he didn’t think it was appropriate for them to try and work out because one was always busy when the other wasn’t. and felix had agreed with every word. they were just misfortunate enough to not have time for each other. that was it.
but as hyunjin clung on harder and felix felt a salty tear land on his exposed collar, he realized apparently that wasn’t it. there was more to what had happened last april when they had broken up. a background story of some sort.
“i thought hard, but i don’t know how to live without you.”
felix goes limp against the other.
this was how hyunjin treated him? after giving him a year without hope, he shows up and says words like these? was this a joke to him?
the doctor was going to curse him out if this was another one of those jokes that the soldier came up with to pretend that a situation wasn’t as bad and serious as it actually was.
he finally pries himself away as the other’s grip on him loosens.
the blonde looks up at the other’s face again, but this time, there are light tear tracks on the other’s handsome cheeks.
no matter how hard felix tried- deep inside- he knew he was losing. big time.
especially when hyunjin delivers the final shot, “i missed you…”
“my love .”
love.
felix’s starry brown eyes stare at hyunjin’s glass ones. he sees the protective defensive layer that hyunjin always put up in pieces. he sees beyond that into the consecutive layers of insecurities, pain, hidden feelings, secrets, and most surprisingly, want .
he looks past hyunjin and sees a boy in a green camo uniform watching them from a distance. yang jeongin - after all this time… had hyunjin been looking after him?
and maybe that’s what provokes the doctor to say, “let’s talk.”
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and talk, they do.
they pick the cafe that hyunjin frequented often just so that he could get to felix’s hospital faster when he had been stationed in korea.
the interesting thing had been that before hyunjin could even suggest going there, the blonde haired male was already leading them there.
he still remembered. hyunjin thinks with a little warmth blooming in his chest.
he doesn’t try to make conversation with the smaller male in front of him as they walk, knowing what he’s said today was enough to embarrass himself for an eternity. but it was the only sincere thoughts his heart could conjure after the terrible he had done to felix last year.
whatever chance he had to make it up with felix would be gone if he didn’t use his brain and choose his words carefully. his counterpart had a very smart brain as well, in fact hyunjin wonders if he’s ever told the blonde how sexy he is when he’s in his doctor zone, churning out medical textbook facts and saving people’s lives. if he didn’t say it before, he should in the future, that was- if he survived today of course .
hyunjin observes felix’s back which was covered by his white coat.
shit. had the other just finished a night shift?
he must have been so tired, hyunjin thought with a pout. should he have just pushed off their meeting until later?
it was too late to do that though as they both walked into cafe, so instead, hyunjin makes a promise to himself to take care of the other in the little time they were together.
as they enter, hyunjin scans the area to see a handful of customers seated. he makes eye contact with a staff member and is glad he recognizes them. hyunjin was friends with the shop manager which meant they could get special seating and… privacy.
the staff member nods back as if to say ‘go ahead’, and hyunjin takes that as the green light to grab felix’s hand into his own. his heart races as he hears a little gasp and squeezes the soft muscle in his hand, relishing in the fact that felix’s hand was still ever so small and beautiful just like it’s owner.
he brings felix all the way to the back of the cafe, opens a sliding door, and there’s a secluded section where two loveseats sat facing each other with a circular coffee table sitting in the middle. the wide open window led into a balcony right on top of a river outside. the weather was bright outside.
felix walks in and immediately lets go of his hand. whether it was out of shock or anger, hyunjin couldn’t tell. he closes the sliding door, leaving the two of them alone.
when he turns, felix was already neatly sitting down, legs slightly crossed, his face tilted to look outside.
wah.
how did hyunjin get so lucky? he had a literal angel as a boyf- ex- no. what were they?
“if you have something to say, say it.”
hyunjin watches, a bit mesmerized, as the other’s defiant eyes dart up to his own, his pink lips moving then settling into a thin line as if waiting and expecting a better response from hyunjin.
“eherm” he replies, unintelligently.
felix raises as an eyebrow and then sighs as if expecting this.
hyunjin frowns as he takes in the other’s slight dark circles and slanted posture. he hadn’t been sleeping had he?
“felix why haven’t you been sleeping?”
wrong question apparently.
the amount of malice that the other musters in his eyes has hyunjin scared as he waits for a response.
it was kind of pathetic really… how he as a soldier, has confronted a man with a freaking gun to his own head before without any fear, but now that his lover, felix, was looking at him after more than a year of not seeing each other, hyunjin’s knees were ready to buckle and he was about to bow on the ground and beg for forgiveness from the other.
“why haven’t i been sleeping? i have a job , sir. and mind you, i was supposed to be going and doing just that, when you interrupted me by showing your ass up after breaking up with me only to spew straight nonsense.” hyunjin flinches.
“i didn’t strike you to be a man who beat around the bush instead of going for what he wanted. so do what the man i fell for would have done, and tell it to me straight.”
but they were gay, hyunjin thinks, but he makes a split second decision to not say that and instead focuses on the fact that felix had said, “man he fell for” which meant that felix still might have feelings for him… even after everything that had happened.
but first, he would have to feed the other.
felix orders himself an espresso out of reluctance, but hyunjin adds an order of two chunks of red velvet cake to that, not believing that the smaller male wasn’t hungry after completing a whole night shift at the hospital er room which was arguably the busiest place.
i’ve dated you before lee felix. you can’t hide from me .
and with that resolve, he decided if soldier hyunjin is what felix wanted, then that’s what he would give him. starting by explaining everything.
as they ate, hyunjin told felix about when his unit had first departed and how they had tried setting up a communication inbox for a connection back at home, but it took them four months to set up anything at all with local I.T. which said a thing or two about the location his crew had been stationed in. but this was also the reason why felix didn’t get read receipts or a response until late in december of that year when christmas had already arrived.
felix raises an eyebrow at this but didn’t speak and only took a sip from his coffee cup, clearly waiting for more.
hyunjin then continued on to tell him about how the next four months where he was able to contact felix and their relationship had been blooming were when korea was in good relations with the UN. however, after a stunt that was pulled by one of the UN’s members who were carrying loaded guns in their truck instead of medical supplies, hyunjin had led his team into an unofficial investigation onto the smuggling and basically caused a rift to occur between two nations. this had been during the time hyunjin had broken up with felix.
breaking up with felix had been a spur of the moment decision then and what had seemed right, hyunjin said. because after being captured and held against his own will, his possessions had naturally been taken, and if they got a hold onto felix and his information, well hyunjin hated to think what would have happened then- he didn’t go into details of his hostage days, but he felt like felix had an idea of what hyunjin had gone through with the look he was giving him, and how his fingers were red from gripping the spoon too hard.
was that concern? oh hyunjin, would give anything for that to be concern in the other’s gaze.
he continues and tells felix how difficult the next couple of months had been with the korean army and the other foreign nations allied with the UN at high tensions. then he explained how if that wasn't bad enough, the earthquake had struck causing a high amount of injuries and deaths, delaying the army’s return back home.
felix’s jaw falls slack at that information and he lunges at hyunjin with a hug, surprising the both of them. the taller doesn’t even have time to hold onto the other as felix pulls away again and holds hyunjin’s face with his two small hands. the smaller male urgently tilts his face up and down as if to look for any injuries. then he starts patting the palms of his hands further down on hyunjin’s uniform before pausing.
hyunjin holds his breath and watches as the blonde bangs fall onto the other’s face.
he hears a tiny, “what am i doing?” and hyunjin thinks it’s so fucking cute and endearing.
he reaches his hand out to brush the bang back behind the other’s ears, revealing bright pink cartilage.
pretty.
“what are you doing dr. lee?” he asks with no humor in his voice, making sure to be very clear with the other. he wasn’t joking around. he never had been when it came to his feelings for the other. and now that he had seen that felix was still wearing the chain necklace hyunjin had given to the other for christmas, hope was starting to bloom in his chest.
this seems to fluster the other, who pulls his cardigan closer to him, his white coat laying folded on the armrest of the loveseat. felix returns to his seat and busies himself with fixing his clothes, then picking up his cake, and finding something interesting to watch outside.
cute.
after what seemed like an eternity of just hyunjin watching felix’s side profile, the blonde male finally speaks up.
“this doesn’t change anything hyunjin.”
if only i can go back for one day, hyunjin starts to think.
“...this doesn’t mean i’m going to start anything with you either.”
if only i can live that day,
“...even after everything that happened, i listened to what you said today… and”
if only i can turn back the words and actions that hurt you,
“you’re still hiding things from me hyunjin. i understand what confidentiality means…”
if only i can make you less lonely,
“but if you still can’t tell me things, that means your job is still dangerous…”
and hug you tight,
“and i can’t be around dangerous people. i can’t start a relationship with someone who’s always in danger.”
if only that day i crazily regret is given to me once more,
“you kill people to save a nation hyunjin.”
i would never let go of your hand again,
“and i work in the emergency room of a hospital…”
i only need you to beautifully bloom,
“to save people’s lives regardless of their gender, nationality, skin color, identity…”
i’ll be a thorn for you,
“we just don’t… we just don’t.”
yes we do, felix. we belong together.
felix pauses there, his eyes tearing up, not knowing how to continue.
dammit, why hadn’t hyunjin known this back then? who even cared about safety? he had hurt felix beyond a thousand apologies. if he had held onto him back them, maybe things would be different now.
hyunjin looks at felix who was now looking down at his lap.
things could still be different.
“it’s you felix. for me, it’s always you.” then a little firmer, he says, “even when i leave everytime, it’s you. i’ll always come back to you.”
he watches in mild fear as felix shakes his head, standing up to leave probably. he collects his stuff, just in time for hyunjin to block his path to the door. hyunjin couldn’t let felix go again. he just couldn’t.
felix glares up at hyunjin. he delivers a weak hit to the other’s chest, angry at him for showing up out of nowhere and saying all this stuff just to mess with his head.
“i’m still crying on the inside hyunjin. if you really care for me, don’t let me cry and just let me go.” felix whispers angrily, a rasp in his voice.
he watches with teary eyes and in disbelief as hyunjin doesn’t budge and instead stares down at him, long arms at his sides.
“if you want me to let you go, you have to give me what’s mine.”
what?
what did felix have of hyunjin’s? he asks this same absurd question out loud.
oh, hyunjin could have named a couple of things, starting with his own heart, but he decided to settle for teasing the other later and executing the plan now.
felix watches hyunjin’s gaze lower to his chest.
what now? felix thinks, his face flushing as he tilts his head down to look at his chest- oh. the chain military necklace that belonged to the older male.
felix's hand went up to fiddle with the chain and he pouted. he had grown to become attached to the thing.
whenever he was nervous about a patient’s results and the outcome of a surgery or even before he performed a surgery, felix’s hands went to clasp around the jewelry and fiddle with it to calm his nerves. hyunjin had nothing to do with it of course.
but if that’s what the other wanted back though, felix was no thief. he was going to return it. before he could take it off, the soldier stops him with his big hand.
wrapped around felix’s small hand which was fisted around the necklace, the brown haired male brings his hand to rest on top of his own heart.
felix’s eyes widen at feeling the other’s fast heartbeat, and he’s about to send hyunjin to the hospital when he realizes the other was waiting for him to raise his gaze.
when their eyes meet, hyunjin says, “i’m waiting right here. i’ll always be waiting right here, until my heart gets exhausted. so don’t say goodbye and hold onto that chain. hold onto us.”
he lets go of felix’s hands, and the younger male draws them back to himself, the chain gripped tightly in his hand.
“come back to me felix.”
and felix is almost tempted too with the way the other was standing there looking so much like… home .
“no.” he says, and it’s the most difficult thing he’s had to do in his twenty seven years of living.
he turns to leave, but is spun around again by the wrist just like he had been three years ago, when they first met.
felix’s waist gets pulled, bringing their bodies flush against the other, and before he has time to react, hwang hyunjin, already knowing his target’s tactics, shuts him up with a press of their lips.
and as the blonde doctor guiltily indulges himself in the way the soldier bites down onto the smaller’s lower lip, he knows he’s lost again in the battlefield called love.
he has lost once again.
or maybe hwang hyunjin was just a winner. he knew how to win every battle, even the toughest one, all the way down to felix’s heart.
whatever the reason was, felix was secretly ecstatic that his wish at the magic fountain over a year back had worked and brought his man back home. even though, he was still unsure of what was going to happen to them in the future.
⌎⊱⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⇲⊰⌏
static.