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When the Grand Princess leaves, Mei Changsu turns to Jingyan, and asks, all cool and correct, “What else does Prince Jing have to speak to me about? I am at his Majesty’s service.” Jingyan, who’s still struggling to collect all his thoughts - all his feelings - from where they’re lying scattered, like so many secret documents torn into unreadable shreds, all over the floor, feels that he can be forgiven for not responding immediately.
Mei Changsu doesn’t seem to notice. He paces back and forth as he speaks. “We don’t need to worry yet about the Princess. Jingrui supports our cause, and if he doesn’t come through for us, we have other avenues to pursue. The princess will present the letter, one way or another. Or is there something else that you’re worried about? I think we’ve rooted out all the Hua spies - ”
“Stop,” Jingyan says, angrily.
Lin Shu - Mei Changsu - stops where he stands, and turns to look at Jingyan inquisitively. Jingyan looks back at him. He’s not sure who he’s looking at, even now. The face in front of him wavers in his mind, like one of those two-in-one pictures that are used to amaze children. Is this his best friend, come back from the dead? Or is what Mei Changsu said true - is this a stranger he met two years ago, who in only that brief time has become closer to his heart than anyone has ever been? Even his childhood best friend.
He holds Lin Shu silent with the weight of his glance for a moment, and then says, “Your health.”
“What of it?” Mei Changsu asks lightly. “I’ve always been delicate, you know it.” He holds up a hand to forestall any objections Jingyan might make. “Mei Changsu has always been delicate.”
Jingyan does know it. It seems to contradict how he thinks of Mei Changsu. The strategist may bend to the whims of nature, to the vicissitudes of his illness, but never, never to the will of another. But then, again, it’s woven into the foundation of how he feels about Mei Changsu. He is delicate, like a pearl, and precious, as well as strong, and Jingyan needs to protect him. “I asked my mother,” he says, “how serious your condition was. She wouldn’t tell me.”
Mei Changsu examines his hands, turning them attentively over and over, as if he had not a care in the world. As if he wasn’t even listening to Jingyan.
Jingyan steps closer. “I want you to tell me the truth. Don’t lie to me again. Do you know when you’re going to die?”
“Does anyone know that?” Mei Changsu shrugs. “As you’ve seen recently, I could die any day. Tomorrow, perhaps, if I’m unlucky. On the other hand, if Marquis Yan has the right of things, I could cultivate my way to immortality.”
Jingyan has to admire his skill at dodging questions, but nevertheless, it only makes him angrier. “Haven’t you played enough games with me?” he explodes. “If you really think that I should be emperor, if you trust me with that power over the realm, then trust me with the truth. Just say it.” His voice may be shaking a little, by the end, but in keeping his outburst to that level, Jingyan thinks he’s holding it together pretty well. If Mei Changsu’s illness weren’t fatal, after all, he would’ve told Jingyan so the first time he asked.
Lin Shu sighs. “Since you insist, your majesty. Doctor Yan says I have six months left to live. Maybe a year, if I don’t work too hard.”
“No.” Jingyan can feel himself falling back from where Lin Shu stands, shaking his head in dazed and desperate denial. “No, no. It can’t be so little.”
“I’m sorry,” Lin Shu says. “But within that time you should have finished consolidating your position. The Chiyan Army case should be complete. You won’t need my help anymore. Your ministers are just, honest, and capable, and there won’t be a place in your court for a mere strategist such as myself.”
He turns to go. “Wait!” Jingyan calls after him. Lin Shu stops before he gets to the steps, but that’s not nearly enough. Jingyan grabs his arm to keep him in the room, to make him look at him again. “Have you talked to my mother? She’s a gifted doctor. She might be able to help.”
Lin Shu - Mei Changsu - removes Jingyan’s hand from his arm. As gently as if it were a pigeon, and he’s taking care not to crush it, but removing it, as an intrusion, nevertheless. His smile is pitying, as if Jingyan’s the one who’s suffering most in this situation. “I’m already being treated by the best physicians of Langya Hall. It’s the only reason I’ve survived this long.”
“Still,” Jingyan presses on. “It could be she knows something that they don’t. And what about the royal physicians! For something that’s so important, every avenue should be tried.”
“The life of a strategist isn’t so important.” Mei Changsu treats his own life like a game, and Jingyan wants to yell at him, wants to beat or threaten it out of him. But he knows none of those things will work: it’s a game Mei Changsu has been playing for a long time, and Jingyan’s only choice is to try to win.
“Every person’s life is important,” he retorts.
“That may be so,” Mei Changsu says, “but the Crown Prince can’t move heaven and earth for the sake of every ordinary life. There’s not enough gold in all the treasure houses for that, nor enough scholars in the empire.”
“You’re not just any ordinary person, though. Princes compete for your service. Ministers rise and fall when the Divine Talent moves.”
“And? So? Is it justice to spend all the resources of the empire on one man? Don’t you stand against corruption and favoritism and every sort of personal gain?”
Mei Changsu is the most infuriating person that Jingyan has ever known. Arguing with him is like fencing with a cloud. “Don’t you want to live?” Jingyan demands. “I don’t care about all that. Because the truth is that you’re important to me.” As soon as he’s said it, his cheeks heat up. His tongue feels clumsy, too large in his mouth. But there’s no way he’s taking it back.
“Ah, well, if the Crown Prince says so, that’s different,” Mei Changsu says. He shakes out his sleeves - avoiding Jingyan’s concern, as well as his eyes. “Your Majesty. I do appreciate your concern. But as you so correctly said, we’re all the same in matters of life and death, prince and peasant alike. The course of nature won’t stop for all the arts of Langya Hall, and it won’t stop for you.”
“But - ” Jingyan says.
But I can’t get you back just to lose you again.
But I can’t be happy without you.
(Who says that he gets to be happy, anyway?)
Mei Changsu moves back into his space, reassuring. “It’s okay. I’ve come to terms with my condition a long time ago. I’ll be satisfied as long as I can see justice done before I die.”
“We will see it done,” Jingyan says. “I promise that. But I won’t give up on you, either. If you’ve devoted yourself to seeking justice for the Chiyan Army and Prince Qi, then understand that I’ve also devoted myself to you, personally.”
Mei Changsu shakes his head. “You always were a water buffalo,” he says, quietly, to himself. He looks back up at Jingyan. “You can try. Not that you need my permission, apparently. But if you want my cooperation, then I’d like to ask for one more favor.”
“What is it?” Jingyan’s suspicious. His heart yearns to give Mei Changsu anything he craves - the harder, the more nearly impossible, the better - but he still knows better than to trust his requests.
Mei Changsu’s mouth curves up in the proud hint of a smile, so Jingyan knows his restraint is appreciated. The smile goes away, tragically, just as quickly as it came. “If you fail,” Mei Changsu says. “When you fail. When I die.” His tongue seems to trip momentarily on the word, but before Jingyan can speak, he picks the thread back up. “Forgive me. I’m not used to saying it out loud. But…”
“If,” Jingyan interjects. “Many years from now.”
“See, that.” Mei Changsu waves his hands. “I know you. I know that you don’t give up on things. And I’d prefer to avoid the effect it will have on you… when all your efforts fail.” Mei Changsu draws himself up straight, as if for one last effort. It only underlines - how could Jingyan have ever overlooked - just how frail he is. And, irregardless of that fact, how completely unstoppable. “You’ll have an empire relying on you. You won’t have the freedom to be allowed to falter, or be distracted.”
“I’ll be distracted anyway!” Jingyan says. “If you die! Can you really not know that? As the number one genius on the Langya Hall list, I didn’t imagine you could be so ignorant.”
“So, well.” Mei Changsu shrugs. “All the more reason for me to remove myself from your presence. A lesser distraction is much preferable to a greater one.”
“No!” Jingyan squeezes his eyes shut. Reason. He has to try reason. “I don’t care how distracting losing you again would be. I can work through it. I’ve done it before.” He needs Mei Changsu - Lin Shu - to understand this much, at least, and when he’s at last granted a faint nod, he feels like they’ve reached some sort of accord. Like Mei Changsu is listening to him. Which is the best one can typically hope for, with Mei Changsu. “To have you nearby, to let me try to help you - it would be worth any amount of pain, for me.”
“There’s nothing to be gained in a futile quest,” Mei Changsu starts, but Jingyan stops him by turning away. Jingyan hadn’t even been trying to - he’d just been frustrated, verging on despair - but Mei Changsu, apparently, doesn’t feel like talking blindly to his back anymore.
“I love you, you idiot,” Jingyan says, fists clenched. The stone floor he’s looking at doesn’t respond. “I’m telling you that I love you.”
Mei Changsu touches his back. He turns around. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen the strategist look so shattered.
“Are you alright?” He reaches out to touch Mei Changsu’s face, then drops his hand halfway. Just because his touch wouldn’t be too revealing now, what makes him think that it’d be wanted?
Mei Changsu shakes his head. His smile is so sad it looks like it could fly away on the faintest breeze. “No. Weren’t we just talking about that? But I do love you. And you can do whatever you want with me. I’ll cooperate.” A brief quirk of his smile. “As well as I do for Doctor Yan and Lin Chen. You can ask them - I’m a horrible patient. But, Jingyan.” He touches Jingyan’s cheek, and Jingyan leans into it. He’s solid, real, here. For now - and for a long time, Jingyan fervently hopes. “I’m almost certain to die soon. You have to learn to accept it…”
Kissing Mei Changsu, Jingyan discovers, is a great way to shut him up. As well as being pleasurable in its own right - pleasure is far too weak a word, really. He’s obscurely proud that when they break apart, he gets his breath back before Mei Changsu does. “I’m ready,” he says. “You don’t have to protect me. Do you think I can’t face disaster?”
“I wasn’t - ” Being looked up at close is very different indeed. Jingyan thinks he likes it a lot, already. “I never thought that you couldn’t. It’s just that I didn’t want you to have to.”
Jingyan pulls him as close as he can, and is surprised by how gratified he is when Mei Changsu’s arms close around his waist. When Mei Changsu’s chin digs into his shoulder. “Then we’re in agreement,” he says.
For once, Mei Changsu makes no reply.