Chapter Text
Gulf
The heat was intense as I waited outside with a group of fans, waiting for Phi to finish his schedule for the day. It was a public one, one where we were allowed to come and see him as long as we followed the rules set in place. Rules of which I was familiar with, had been familiar with for years now, since the start of his career. If the schedule wasn’t public, I didn’t venture to where he was. If I was in doubt, I didn’t go.
I’d stumbled across his work by accident, had seen his modeling by chance and had become curious about him then. Had followed his since discovering him and when he had branched into acting, I had followed his move there as well. Since the beginning, I suppose one could say. I would never say that I was his first fan because I didn’t know if that were true or not, but I knew I had been following him for a long time.
I was also one of the few male fans that went to events on his own and I was the one male waiting for him now.
None of the women here were rude about it, thankfully. I had come across some that had been in the past. They had given me strange looks, made comments under their breath as if I couldn’t hear them when they knew I could. The only thing that I could do was ignore them and continue on like they had said nothing, like they weren’t shooting me glances every now and then. The women here were friendly, sharing kind smiles and pleasant words, asking questions every now and then but nothing that made me feel awkward.
Most they were curious about how I had come across Phi and his work, how long I had been a fan, why I had come out to see him, what made me like him. Questions I was asked often enough when people were curious. They were easy enough to answer, it was like second nature. I didn’t really have to think about it when I answered them, the words just came out like instinct. I came out to support him like they had, I liked him because he was kind and nice, talented in what he did.
The handsome part I kept to myself. It was the truth, but I wasn’t sure how kindly they would take to the statement or if they would turn into a squealing mess. It was a toss up for which. One I could handle, the other would make for an uncomfortable atmosphere.
I had the suspicion that they would be the squealing mess, which I could handle. They had grown fond of me quickly, finding my support of Phi to be adorable. The soft squeals, which was why I thought they would be in that category, when I had said I had been a fan since his modeling days had brough heat into my face and I had been grateful when their conversation had turned towards an upcoming project that Phi was rumored to be in talks for.
I didn’t like talking about myself, didn’t really want to be the focus on their conversation, as nice as they were.
“P’Mew!”
The calling of his name brought my attention away from my phone, bringing my gaze up and I smiled as Phi stepped outside, his gaze turning towards the group of us who stood out of the way, like we were supposed to. He lifted his hands and waved as he walked over to us, a smile on his face, making him more attractive than he already was.
“Isn’t it too hot for you all to be out here?” He asked, gazing around at the group of us. There had to be about twenty or so of us with me lingering at the back given that I was taller than the rest of the women in the group. He looked around at everyone, making sure that he paid attention to them all, something he was always careful about doing.
“It isn’t too bad. We’ll go somewhere cool after, we promise.” One girl said and they all nodded their agreement with her, phones pointed towards Phi, who didn’t seem to have a care in the world about it.
I wondered how he handled that so easily sometimes.
“As long as you all promise.” His gaze traveled from face to face, his smile never faltering as he looked at everyone. His gaze landed on me and it seemed like his smile brightened. Something that, obviously, didn’t happen. “Gulf, you’re here too.”
The sound of my name made me jerk in surprise, gazes turning towards me as Phi’s gaze remained fixed on me. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t ever met him before, I had. I had taken a few pictures with him a couple of times, given him one or two gifts before, given him letters before, had spoken briefly with him, but I didn’t think he would remember me at all, didn’t think he would remember my name. It would have been enough if he remembered my face given all of the people that he met, but to remember my face and name?
It was unexpected.
All I did was nod stupidly at him. What sort of response could I give in this situation? What were you supposed to say when someone you were a fan of for years remembered you despite their busy schedule and all the people they met in a single day? I sure didn’t know.
“P’Mew, why is he so special that you remember him?” A girl asked. There was no anger or jealousy in her voice, just a curiosity that I was relieved to hear and mirrored my own. If it had been one of the other two, things could have been very uncomfortable for me when Phi left to head home or to wherever he was going next.
Not all fans were accepting when someone got specific attention.
“Gulf has been a fan since I first got started, even before my acting. He was a fan when I was modeling too, followed me in being a fan when I shifted to the acting world.” Phi smiled at me and the tips of my ears went hot. “He’s been there since the beginning and comes to support me often so I remember him. It’s hard to forget someone who has been with you for so long.”
I didn’t know why, but his words made my heart warm.
“So he was your first fan?” Someone asked, her phone pointed at him. His smile softened as he shook his head.
“My first fan was my mother and she’ll always be my biggest fan, no one will ever be able to claim that title but her.” His words made me smile, his eyes full of love for the woman he spoke of. No one deserved those titles more than she did. “But he’s been there since the start. Cheered me on through the good times, given me encouraging words through the hard times.”
Heat crept into my cheeks and I looked away from him. I always left him comments on social media, telling him that he’d done a good job at whatever event he’d been to that day, that he’d looked great, things that I had hoped would make him smile. The words that I gave him during the rough times had always been through the letters I handed to him or to his manager. The thing was… I never thought he read them. I assumed he was too busy, that the letters were tucked away in the room that he kept the gifts inside of. I knew he wouldn’t throw them away but I didn’t know that he read them.
But he did.
Crap.
I glanced at his manager, who was gathering letters and gifts from the fans present and tucking them away inside of a bag with care. The gifts I knew he kept but the letters were a new revelation. How many stupid things had I said in those letters? Embarrassing stories of my own to balance out anything he may have been going through, any accident that may have occurred on air that he was worried about, that he focused on? Sure, they wouldn’t compare but they had been my attempt to cheer him up even if I hadn’t thought he’d read them and there he was, having read every single one.
Once I got home, I was never leaving again.
“Is that for me?” Phi tapped the letter that I had clutched tightly in my hands, having started to crumple it upon hearing this new, embarrassing news. It was for him, of course, but I no longer had the desire to give it to him. But when he took ahold of it and pulled it gently from my grasp, I let it slip free. I couldn’t say no.
I nodded slowly, looking anywhere but at him. “It’s alright if you don’t have time to read it though. It isn’t important or anything. I know you’re busy. Don’t worry about it. Here. J-Just give it back so you don’t feel obligated to read it.”
When I reached out to take it back, Phi moved it out of my reach, drawing it closer to his chest. Unless I was going to either grope his chest or wrestle him for it, I wasn’t getting it back, much to my embarrassment. I curled my fingers into my palm and let my hand drop, heat creeping into my cheeks.
Never leaving home.
“I always look forward to your letters, Gulf. They make my day a little brighter when I get them.” He said with another smile that made my stomach flutter. That had always been my intent with those letters but I’d never thought they’d actually been read, that they’d been fulfilling their intents. “I’ll read it when I get home tonight.”
“You don’t have to do that.” I said quickly. I waved my hands to dismiss the thought. “Rest, spend time with Chopper, watch TV or something. It’s fine. It can wait. Take time for yourself. You worked hard today, you deserve to rest, to do something for yourself.”
Anything but read that stupid letter.
Phi tipped his head to the side, holding the letter up and waved it around a little. “This will be doing something for myself. I’ll sit with Chopper in my lap, the TV on in the background, and read this. That should suffice for what you want, right?”
There wasn’t a way that I could argue with his logic there. It included nearly everything I’d said he should do. If I countered with him going to sleep instead, he’d probably just say that he’d go to sleep after he read it. I turned my phone around in my hands slowly in a nervous movement and nodded slowly. I had no argument.
A few of the girls around me broke out into a fit of giggles, a hand covering their mouths while the other held their phones. More evidence of my embarrassment that would be all over the internet as soon as they left here. Thankfully none of them had any of my social media information so I couldn’t be tagged in anything. At least there was that. Their eyes bounced back and forth between the two of us.
“Is it a love confession? Is that why you don’t want him to read it all of the sudden?” One of them asked.
Of course it wasn’t a love confession. I didn’t have feelings for Phi like that. I was a fan. I just wanted him to be happy and see him smile, that was all. I shook my head quickly, but I didn’t think any of them believed me as giggles erupted around me.
“They’re nothing like that.” Phi said with a shake of his head. “Just letters that always make me feel better.”
“We need to get going soon, Mew.” His manager said and reached for my letter that Phi still held in his hand. While Phi nodded, he didn’t let him take the letter, keeping it tucked in close to his chest. His manager gave him a curious look before shrugging and stepping back a little bit to watch our group with watchful eyes.
The girl standing next to me shot her hand into the air like she was in school, making everyone look around at her. “Phi, can we take a picture of Gulf and you together? We don’t get to see you with male fans often, it’s nice to see you with one.”
Her request was met with a chorus of agreements and I was surprised to find myself being shuffled closer to him by surprisingly strong hands. While these girls were small, they were deceptively strong. I looked over my shoulder towards them, heat creeping over the back of my neck while they looked at me, smiling aimed my way. This isn’t what I had been expecting, not what I was prepared for at all.
“If that’s alright with Gulf, it’s fine with me.” Phi gave me a questioning look as I looked back around at him and I nodded slowly, turning around to face the group of women in front of us. This wasn’t the first picture I had taken with him but for some reason, I felt incredibly shy when he lent in closer to me, felt acutely aware of how close his was, how good he smelt. If my face got any redder, I was going to be mistaken for a lobster soon.
Pictures were snapped as we both smiled and videos were taken as well. Phi tapped my shoulder and nodded down towards my phone, which I had a death grip on at this point. “Would you like one on your phone too?”
It took a few seconds for my brain to process the question he asked me before I nodded and unlocked my phone, pulling my camera up and went to hand it to one of the girls standing in front of me. Before I could, Phi took it from me and turned it to selfie mode, angling it so both of us were in frame. In pictures before, I had always smiled like normal. A smile that reached my eyes, but this time my smile was shy as I glanced at Phi and then the camera as he snapped the picture before handing my phone back to me.
Why was my heart racing like I’d just run a mile at top speed?
I took it from him with a soft word of thanks, tucking my phone away inside of my pocket as I shuffled back into the group, moving to the back. Phi waved and smiled as he said his goodbyes, thanking everyone for coming to see him, telling us all to get home safely and to make sure we were careful in the heat.
I was silent as everyone waved after him, calling out their goodbyes. I was silent as we left the area, rubbing a hand over my chest slowly as I headed home.
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There were videos and pictures all over Twitter by the time I got home and changed into clean clothes. I had checked the tag, my curiosity having gotten the better of me, having wanted to see if there would have been anything there, having been sure that there wouldn’t have been. It wasn’t an interesting topic, nothing special to talk about.
I was wrong.
It was everywhere in the tag, comments everywhere. People asking about who I was, what I had been like to the people who had been there. There were a number of comments calling me cute and adorable, which were better than what I could have been called, so there was that, but I had really been hoping that I wouldn’t have been a topic of conversation. All I could do was hope that it would die down soon enough.
Closing out of Twitter, I pulled up Instagram, scrolling through the feed slowly and stopped at an update from Phi. The video must have been taken by his manager before he’d left for the night. Phi was sitting on his couch with Chopper curled up in his lap. The TV could be heard distantly in the background, but that wasn’t what I was focused on.
In his hand was a letter.
Slowly I set my phone on the bedside table and crawled under the blanket, pulling it up and over my head, groaning out softly in embarrassment. If he hadn’t done that, I could have pretended that he hadn’t read the stupid thing.