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As it gets dark and he continuously downs shot after shot of tequila, he blearily wonders how he had been living in the confines of his own mind for weeks now. It was in that space that he knows no one else will be able to suffocate him with things that he was not willing to accept, it was in that space that he allows himself to be subjected to the cold. He had always been the type of person who was always up there on his head, he was the observant type, he would notice everything around him and overanalyze it moments later, and even days after. He had always been the type to see the lonely end of a journey even though it was still far, far away. He knows that just as much as there would be light after going through the tunnels, the dark still looms, ever-present, just a span of time away from presenting itself once again. Tine wonders about how he perfected the art of duality: Mr. Chic by the surface and Tine, just much-too-conscious-Tine, through and through.
He thought that he was past those episodes of running on the same thoughts over and over again, he thought that he was most definitely fine with letting things slide without much overanalyzing. Tine thought he was over the habit of tormenting himself over the simplest things, but all the efforts and tears spent trying to calm himself and his thoughts were being put into vain. Because the warmth that he is living with right now is starting to overwhelm him, it was scorching- much so that it was suffocating him.
He downed the shot he was holding, his eyes closing because of its bitter taste. Eyes still closed, Tine ran his fingers through his hair and there he saw him.
He saw Sarawat. Sarawat who was like the night: brooding but beautiful, dark yet surprisingly calming, and enigmatic with all his vast glory. They met each other when they were eighteen, they were both running late to school and were both caught by the school’s prefect and had to do some after school cleaning because of their tardiness. He and Sarawat were assigned to mop the entire second floor of the high school building, and in order to make the work a little bit bearable they started talking to one another as they finish their punishment. They talked and cleaned and just clicked. And soon after they became inseparable; they made it through high school together, entered the same university together, went through the hilarity of being struggling university students together, found their way into each other’s spaces, became accustomed to some of each other’s demons, discovered their shared feelings that grew overtime together, and finally found their way home in each other’s arms.
And even though Tine thought of Sarawat as the night, Tine would never ever associate coldness to the other boy. No matter how eccentric Sarawat could be, he always felt like home, he was warmth and affection and just unadulterated love. Sarawat made him feel nothing short of warm- may it be the warmth on his chest as it flutters because of sweet gestures or the fire that burns his body and soul as labored breaths fill their shared room at night.
Sarawat was fire and Tine may be seconds away from combusting. He was seconds away from burning that was why he decided to step back and catch himself. His mind was circuiting nonstop with thoughts that he promised Sarawat were nothing but things of the past already. Tine could not understand why he was finding it hard to breathe for the past few months- maybe it was because he felt very much overwhelmed, very much overwhelmed with the intensity of Wat’s gazes and the force of their love for each other. Tine knew that it was selfish of him to just up and leave Wat without talking things through with the other, he knew it was fucking selfish and immature but Tine knew no other way than to step back. Really, how do you get out of your head? Simple. You force yourself to move your limbs and walk away.
Tine had to physically move his limbs in order to get through the day and momentarily mute his thoughts. As much as an asshole excuse that the fault was with him and not Wat, Tine had no other reason behind his departure, really. The fault was all on him, Wat did nothing but to love him so, so much, care for him on levels beyond selfless, shower him with endless reassurances, and stayed up with him on nights when his demons were too much. Wat was all the luck that the universe could ever give him on this lifetime, Tine knows it in his heart. He knew but he felt like he was also losing foot, he felt way too sheltered, he felt like he was being treated like he would break anytime. Tine knows that he could break anytime but Wat tiptoeing around him for the past few months saddened Tine more. He hates it when he causes those important to him any form of discomfort, that’s why he thought that they needed space.
As much as Tine needed Wat on days when he felt consumed by things, he knew that it would be best to learn how to keep himself from being swallowed on his own pit. Tine has to be strong first to be able to bask with the warmth that Wat was giving him. He needs to be on equal footing with Wat so that they can reach for happiness at the same length. And Tine was getting better, he thinks, because it has been a month and he has clearer headspace right now, well sans the haze that the alcohol is causing him right now, but yes, he was slowly getting there. Tine took a deep breath and once again saw Wat when he momentarily closed his eyes; his beautiful Saraleo, the best thing that could ever happen on his life in this lifetime.
And then it hit him.
He missed Wat so fucking much. The alcohol may have brought about 70% of this but he knew deep down that he just wanted to be back once again on those arms, Tine wants to be held once again and be helped with warding off his negativities. The realization that he shouldn’t have to be afraid to let Wat help in the process of getting better came a month too late, and Tine realized that he no longer wants to prolong the lonely wee hours spent alone. Standing abruptly that his head spun for a little, he paid for his tab and called for a cab.
Stumbling a little in the dark, Tine navigated on the patio that led to his and Wat’s shared space. Tine finally grasped the fact that Wat became his strength in fighting off all the loneliness that he has in his system, that Wat was doing his best to keep Tine’s head above water, that Wat was all he’ll ever need to live life everyday, and that above all else Wat was his endgame and Tine was Wat’s. That’s why the space was no longer needed, he had been dumb enough to hurt Wat and Tine was set on mending whatever it was that he broke, and that he was willing to let Wat help Tine with his pieces. Yes, Tine would very much love to do that. They should both anchor each other and fill each other’s gaps, together, yes, things are better done together. Tine wiped at his eyes, irritated that he already couldn’t see well and his tears just had to contribute to that too.
He continued to rub at his eyes while still stumbling when suddenly a shooting star fell from the sky, casting a luminous streak into the empty sky, causing a memory of a promise to surface on forefront of his mind:
“Before Tine left, he told Sarawat that one day when everything cleared and when the skies are dotted with stars once again things will smoothen out.
Let the stars decide for us Wat, let them write for us, let them thread us back together. Let’s have them find out if we’re meant to be. I’ll have the stars take things back. Those were Tine’s parting words for them.”
Tine breathed a sigh of relief, the haze of the alcohol fading along with his exhale. The stars never really fail, this is the second chance that Fate allowed him and Wat, he believed. More tears blurred his vision as he saw Sarawat laying down, an arm strewn over his eyes. Was he crying too? God, I’m so sorry, I promise I’ll make it up with this man for the rest of my life.
God he loved Sarawat so, so much.
Tine stilled himself.
Inhaled and then exhaled. Everything was silent, yet his resolve was loud and clear on his mind.
Tine closed his eyes and quietly approached the man he promised his entire life with.
He slowly opened his eyes, not minding the blur.
Then…
“Wat”