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As a member of Johnny’s favorite – or so the others said, Mark wouldn’t say that he felt particularly happy to get that title.
If he can explain their relationship, he would say it started when he met the guy when he was a fresh face in the company, that weird Asian kid from Canada, average face and even average personality, clumsy and a mess of his own. He’s nothing special compared to the other trainees other than him being kind of a wild child for going to a foreign country on his own and just fled from all his responsibility because fortunately, his school was closed and he found the audition held at one of the studios down the street was more interesting than his friends.
But the truth is, there is no beginning or end of this strange relationship of theirs.
One-time Johnny was the brother figure that he had on Seoul when he’s missing his real brother, another time Johnny was like a stranger that he met on a club that ends up being the one to make him cry until the sun rises.
“Stop pacing around, Mark. You’re making my day worse.”
Donghyuck’s voice sliced through his thoughts, a frown on his face as Mark finally stopped in the middle of the room. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Donghyuck scoffed at Mark’s sheepish tone. Mark walking around the room with his eyes staring off to the distance only made his attempt to relieve the hungover went to the drain.
“It’s going to be fine, Mark Lee. Stop worrying too much, we know damn well that Johnny won’t do anything weird. How is this any different than all the time you guys went out together?” Donghyuck asked, eyebrows twitching as Mark’s habit of biting his nail came back. He pulled the other’s arms to stop him from doing it. He knew that’s a sign of Mark's deflection towards the question, even if he’s the one who wanted to hear it the most.
“It’s scary,” Mark huffed out a breath, falling back to Donghyuck’s bed.
“I don’t know where we stand at this point. I know he loves to flaunt his wealth to everyone around him, I’m aware that’s just him being considerate about us. But what am I to him? Each time he took me out, it got me thinking if he brought me as a friend to accompany him while searching for gifts, or he brought me as some sort of brother that he just can’t leave alone cause he didn’t want me to end up doing something stupid on my own?” The memories of a week ago where he and Johnny went dining on some fancy restaurant passed his mind. The night was lovely – kind of a celebration of sort for Mark’s comeback with SuperM. Johnny was nothing if not a gentleman, pulling his chair out when he’s about to sit, cutting off his steak when he can perfectly do it on his own, interlacing their fingers on the table and smiling the whole night as he talked about his sudden interest in business. They weren’t fully sober by the time Mark started telling him about what happened with SuperM while Johnny kept pouring him the expensive wine that he can’t pronounce.
It’s sweet but of course, it’s just a fleeting moment for Mark to enjoy and buried under the deepest depth of his heart.
At the end of the night, he’s nothing but just another member that Johnny Suh spent his money on. Nothing much, nothing less.
“Fuck him.”
Mark glared at Donghyuck’s crude choice of words.
“Not literally but fuck him. If he’s just going to make you feel like a side bitch then fuck him. I’m sorry for not intervening when this whole shit starts but fuck him for making you doubt yourself, fuck him for making you feel like you weren’t enough, and had to question your status in his life.” Donghyuck was the guy that you need to avoid when he’s half-sober, or hungover, or whatever it is because you didn’t want to deal with him during these moments. Others might think the younger would be a clingy drunk or something like that but Mark already had his shares of events to know that a drunk Donghyuck can end the world itself just by his mouth.
Well, he’s still Mark’s best friend so that’s a given, at least.
Having Donghyuck on his side made him felt quite safe, to be honest. Even if he’s halfway through cursing his own roommate’s existence, but Donghyuck was a great guy. Sure, the boy can get a bit annoying – a lot, his mind supplied – but Donghyuck is a haven in this industry. To have him by his side since he was younger was a blessing and a curse at the same time but it’s nice to have someone he can trust and let himself go, even if the said guy would inflict violence if he needs to.
“Seriously, if he likes you then he’d know better than to treat you like a one-night stand. He can’t just treat you like his whole world and forget about your existence on another day.” The younger was staring down on him now, anger lying somewhere beneath his eyes. “I can’t stand the way he invalidates your feeling and watch you ruined yourself for him. That’s not how love works Mark.”
At the same night, Donghyuck’s words left his mind when Johnny pressed his lips against him.
“Oh, this is Mark! Come on, introduce yourself,”
This is a bad idea.
It’s a horrible idea, he shouldn’t be here. Fuck, he wasn’t even supposed to be here.
What was on his mind when Johnny offered him to be his plus one of his cousin’s wedding? Not to mention he felt like he was out of the loop, with this being Chicago and not Seoul where he had Donghyuck to run off to and Taeyong to ground him down. He doesn’t even have Yuta to comfort him on the side or Jaehyun to tell him to calm the fuck down.
Chicago isn’t a new place – they’ve been there during the tour – but there wasn’t stylists hanging off their necks for being too slow on changing clothes and fans’ chanting their names during their performance. This is just Johnny on his elegant suit and hair slicked up while Mark the always awkward in one of Jaemin’s suit – the younger almost made him ripped his ears from yelling about how good he would look in one of his lavish suits – standing beside Johnny like his long lost brother from another father that he just found recently.
“I’m Mark Lee, nice to meet you.” He patted his own back unconsciously for putting on a steady tone and a hopefully intact smile on his face. He didn’t want to be label as a weirdo from Johnny’s relatives.
A woman, maybe around the thirties, introduced herself as Johnny’s aunt from his mother’s side and hugged him with a kiss on his cheek – ah, Americans. It’s been a long time – before leaving to greet more guests.
“Hey, you good? I know some of them can be quite overwhelming.”
Oh, overwhelming was the understatement of the century.
Mark was feeling more than overwhelmed – he felt like he’s moving on autopilot, a smile to keep his expressions loose even if his lips twitching as they asked him irrelevant questions, speaking softly as he congratulates the bride even if he’s seeing spots and nausea coming up to make him more horrible, ignoring the weird looks when he walked by even if he’s feeling damn sick that his stomach churned uncomfortably.
“I’m okay, of course.”
Johnny’s wide grin was worthy of everything after all.
He came back to the sights of women huddling around the tall guy as his boisterous laughter filled the air. The wine he had can’t beat the bitter taste he felt at the tip of his tongue and he knew it’s not the wine to blame. The wine was sweet, a lingering flavor that made him want to dunk it all from the bottle at one time even though he’s a light drunk.
Ironic.
“Is he your boyfriend?” Mark heard one of the women asked.
“Nah, he’s just my friend. Well, technically he’s the member of my group but he’s just a friend – nothing more,”
Maybe he’s just trying not to start any rumors, or maybe he just didn’t want to reveal the true nature of their relationship. That’s fine, Johnny’s that kind of person after all. Always the considerate one and keeping his life on privacy no matter where he is.
God, how he wished it was like that. How Mark wished what he concluded was really what it is. The light reflected against Johnny’s eyes proved it wrong though – the question passed by like the breeze when he opened his window, short but imaginary.
Pathetic.
Donghyuck was right, again. What’s the point in all this? This monster that he created based on his selfish needs and Johnny’s desire to be in control. This damn elephant that has been living rent-free under the illusion of Mark’s so-called relationship with the guy he swore he loves. What the hell is he doing ruining his own life just to be what, a personal whore Johnny paid to satisfy his lust only for him to be thrown away like some rag doll once morning comes by?
Shit, he felt like a protagonist in Lana Del Rey’s songs.
A protagonist that cried for love, begged on his knees for the love he yearns, risking his own life just for a guy to claim him as his lover, for a guy who tosses his wealth around while he stood by his side like nothing but a shadow of wishful thinking.
Foolish, foolish Mark Lee.
A fool he is to end up on his back while holding on for dear life as Johnny fucks the living life out of him, tears of despair confused as pleasure while he prays to God to lend him the courage to go through all of this endless cycle.