Chapter Text
Before my bed the moonlight glitters,
Like frost upon the ground.
I look up to the mountain moon,
Look down and think of home.
— 静夜思 by Li Bai
Jiang Yanli wakes to the sound of birdsong and the smell of lotus flowers wafting in through her open window.
She is, impossibly, alive . At least, she can feel her heart beating, which is usually a good sign. Jiang Yanli is alive — and furthermore, she is back in Lotus Pier. And not just Lotus Pier (as she last remembers seeing it) but the Lotus Pier from before . She can tell immediately from just a glance that this room is the one she had spent the majority of her childhood and young adult years in; the room that had been burned to ashes by Wen Chao all those years ago.
For a moment, Yanli wonders if she is mistaken. Perhaps this is actually the afterlife. She had never considered much about the mysteries of the gods and the Beyond, but it certainly is not entirely impossible that this is merely a re-creation of a place she had once felt safe.
“Shijie! Shijie!”
Yanli startles, stunned at the familiar voice that she had missed so dearly in the months after marrying Jin Zixuan; the voice she had heard for the last time as she lay dying on a battlefield.
The doors to Yanli's rooms burst open, admitting both of her gangly, adolescent brothers. They bump into one another and sprawl out onto the floor of her room. Jiang Cheng scrambles to sit on Wei Wuxian's back before his brother can stand up. With his arms crossed, Jiang Cheng gives her an expectant look full of pride — as if he is waiting for her to compliment him on his victory.
“Shijie!” Wei Wuxian says, his voice a playful whine, “Save me!”
It would take Jiang Yanli a thousand and one years to explain to her brothers the depth of the feelings that weigh down her soul at those words. She knows he means it to be a joke, but all she can think of is how she should have saved him — and of all the times she has failed both him and Jiang Cheng. She cannot explain why she bursts into tears; cannot explain why she stumbles from her bedding and gathers the both of them in her arms — no matter how many times they ask her, no matter how worried she knows they are, Yanli cannot explain.
“A-Xian, A-Cheng,” she whispers into their hair, so quietly that they can only just barely hear the words, “I love you — jiejie loves you so much.”
“Of course we love you too, A-jie,” Jiang Cheng says, so worried still but insistent that she hear him. He wipes the tears from her cheeks, brows furrowed in concern. Wei Wuxian, uncomfortable in the face of his sister’s sudden loss of composure, pats her on the back and affixes a bright grin to his face.
“Shijie, don’t cry! If Yu-furen sees, she’ll blame me for sure!”
To both her brothers’ surprise, this remark — which Wei Wuxian had very obviously meant to inspire laughter — only serves to make their sister cry harder.
Oh A-Xian , Yanli thinks, You have been hurt so much already.
It takes another half-hour for Jiang Yanli to calm herself — and only because Jiang Cheng threatens to bring one of the clan healers if she doesn’t. She cannot allow her parents to see her in this state (and they certainly will if they catch wind from the rest of the Clan that she had been seen by a healer), so she swallows the rest of her tears and cleans her face with the edge of her robes. “I’m sorry, A-Cheng, A-Xian,” she says, “I don't know what came over me."
"Hm." Jiang Cheng looks unconvinced, but he doesn't push. He drags Wei Wuxian out the door, calling over his shoulders as he goes, "Dinner will be done soon. Don't be late!"
It's Jiang Cheng's gruff way of saying 'I'm worried about you; hopefully some food will cheer you up', so Yanli waves them away with a smile and a promise to show up on time.
Ah, she had missed this. Missed these innocent, childish days; when her brothers had been so close, when they had believed so ardently in the promises made to each-other in youth. With that thought, Yanli's eyes fill with tears again, but she wipes them away before they can fall. She takes a deep breath. She must not continue to break down, must appear the same to her mother and father and the Yunmeng Jiang servants (at least for now). Outside of Lotus Pier things can be different. For the time being, she must hold herself back and maintain her focus. If she is remembering correctly, the three of them will set forth to Gusu Lan in only a few days. It is then that she can begin to truly cultivate herself in ways she had neglected before. She must change. She has already failed both her brothers in a hundred different ways in another life, but she will not make the same mistakes again here. No, she must look at this as a gift from the gods; a gift she will not let go to waste.
Jiang Yanli has not touched her sword, Siyu, in months (or years, if she counts the life from Before). It has been maintained properly, of course, but she has a weak golden core and therefore had decided to apply herself to the study of medicine and healing techniques instead of fighting. Her sword has never felt as though it contained a spirit, like her brothers often spoke about after receiving theirs. She had always assumed they had merely been trying to show off for their father when they spoke excitedly of the way they felt when they picked up their swords — as if they were meeting a companion or clasping hands with a friend. This is why Yanli gasps in a breath of surprise when her fingers touch the hilt of her own sword and she feels something. When she wraps her hand over the curve of the leather binding, it is as if her golden core brightens — as if it is wrapping her in warmth and whispering a quiet ‘ welcome home’ .
That night, Yanli polishes her sword for the first time in years (or weeks, here, but the years are what she remembers). She stares at her reflection in the steel blade for a very long time, blinking at the youthful face looking back at her. She had felt so old during the Sunshot Campaign; felt as if the world was settling heavier on her shoulders with every day that passed.
Then, after her marriage and subsequent pregnancy, she had felt young again - young and stupid, fumbling her way through motherhood. She had spent so many hours with Jin Rulan cradled in her arms, tracing the curve of his cheek and the furrow between his eyebrows. In those moments, she had ached for the advice of her family, for some direction. She had wished for someone to tell her what she should be doing differently, had wished for her mother (even as echoes of abuse darkened every corner of memory that included Yu Ziyuan). At the end, when the sword had pierced Yanli's chest and she had felt her spirit drain away as she lay in Jiang Cheng's arms, the only thing she can remember feeling is relief . Not so much relief in death, but relief that, as her eyes closed, she could see the faces of her brothers together again — even at the end of all things.
Though Yanli had promised herself that she would not cry anymore, she cannot stop the tears from falling against the steel blade of her sword. As the shadows lengthen across the floor, she curls over herself and grips the hilt so tightly that bruises form against the delicate skin of her palms.
On the morning of their departure to the Cloud Recesses, Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan see them off from the pier. Yanli grits her teeth through every piece of sharp advice that her mother heaps upon Jiang Cheng, because she knows they (at least) are somewhat well-meant. What she cannot ignore this time, however, are the words her mother levels at Wei Wuxian a few moments later.
“Considering what a troublesome, pathetic boy you are, you should be immensely grateful that we are allowing you to accompany A-Cheng and A-Li to the Gusu Lan sect!” Yu Ziyuan snaps. Wei Wuxian flinches. “If I hear so much as one whisper of news about you sullying our clan’s name with your disrespect, I won’t hesitate to take Zidian to your back the next time I see you —“
“Enough, mother.”
Everyone, including Yu Ziyuan, is shocked into frozen silence. Yanli cannot help but feel shame at how surprised they all are that she has stood up for Wei Wuxian. Yanli has never raised her voice against her mother before now. She pushes the guilt from her mind, though it still stews against the edges of her thoughts. There is no time right now to berate herself. Later, she will think of every moment where she had allowed her mother to speak so viciously to her brothers — and Yanli will beat herself emotionally bloody for it.
Yu Ziyuan takes a very aggressive step forward, her eyes sparking with rage. Thankfully their father has never been a stupid man, which means he’s quick to kick their boat from the pier and cheerfully wave them farewell (while also keeping one arm out to stall his wife — who, from the look on her face, is thinking she might just ignore propriety and drag them all back for a whipping).
“Stay safe, children!” Jiang Fengmian calls out. Yanli holds her mother’s infuriated gaze for a long time until, eventually, Yu Ziyuan snaps her sleeves in a huff and stomps away without a word. Only then does Yanli raise a hand in farewell, watching her father in the distance until the boat turns around a bend and Lotus Pier is out of sight.
“Shijie...” Wei Wuxian trails off, unsure.
“It is not right for mother to speak to you so harshly, A-Xian,” Yanli says, “And... though I don’t deserve it, I ask that you forgive me for allowing it this long.”
She bows deeply, as low as she can. If it would not upset them so much, Yanli would beg for both Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng's forgiveness on her knees with her forehead pressed to the ground.
“Shijie!” Wei Wuxian looks incensed and panicked on her behalf now. He grabs her arms and forces her up, “Don’t talk about yourself this way, and certainly don’t bow to me! And besides, Yu-furen is perfectly right to say whatever she wishes. After all, it’s not as if I’m her son." Even though his face does not show it, Jiang Yanli can see the pain in his eyes. Yes, Wei Wuxian is not Yu Ziyuan’s son, that is true. But Yanli has seen her mother treat dogs better than she treats Wei Wuxian. No one should ever have to live with that kind of abuse.
“The way she speaks to A-Cheng is already bad enough,” Yanli cuts off whatever nonsense Jiang Cheng (and most likely Wei Wuxian as well) had been ready to say in favor of Yu Ziyuan (because they both feel it is their duty, even now). “No, A-Cheng — in this, I am right. Mother has committed a great wrong against A-Xian and you both. I won’t continue to dismiss it.”
“A-jie, she is still our mother. We must respect —“
“A-Cheng,” Yanli is firm, though not unkind, when she interrupts, “Is A-Xian your brother?”
Jiang Cheng turns his gaze down to his feet, avoiding looking at either Wei Wuxian or his sister. “...Of course,” he mumbles, finally.
The startled, overwhelmed expression that crosses Wei Wuxian’s features when he hears this builds an ache of grief in Yanli's chest, but she doesn’t relent. “Then there can be no dishonor in defending him, A-Cheng. In fact, we must consider failing to do so as a loss of face.”
For a long time after that, the three of them sit quietly, lost in their own thoughts. Yanli sits near Jiang Cheng with her hand on his shoulder so he knows she is not angry with him. He has always been the most sensitive — has always loved the most fiercely. She knows he feels ashamed of himself, though he will not say it. Yanli had not intended for him to feel shame ; after all, he, like Wei Wuxian, is still so very young. No matter how cruel Yu Ziyuan can be, Jiang Cheng still loves her and craves her approval. How can he possibly be expected to wage war against their mother, even for this?
Wei Wuxian won’t look at Yanli. Instead, he stares out across the river and watches the sun climb higher in the sky.