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When Dean first meets Castiel, it's when Castiel literally runs into him in the hallway. Whether he was lost in thought or got pushed out of the way by someone, fact is he ended up falling right into Dean, just barely catching himself by holding onto Dean's shoulders.
Caught in a weird sort of hug, all Dean can do is stare down at the dorky, trench-coated boy below him, who is looking back at him with surprise in his wide blue eyes. The boy's mouth opens but no sound comes out for a few seconds. And then he finally seems to realize their predicament and pushes away quickly.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to stumble into you," the boy says hurriedly, embarrassment staining his cheeks.
"It's... fine," Dean forces out in reply, his gaze involuntarily wandering down the boy's body. His heartbeat's doing something weird that he'd rather not question, so when his gaze falls down to the guy's books scattered all over the floor, he quickly crouches down and starts picking them up one by one.
The boy joins him a second later and smiles at Dean in thanks, but Dean pointedly ignores him. Those eyes are dangerous and even though he isn't quite sure why, he feels safer not watching them.
"My name's Castiel, by the way," the boy introduces himself when they're done picking up books, and Dean looks up for a second despite himself. His gaze gets caught by bright blue eyes.
"I'm Dean," Dean responds. And then he doesn't know what to say next.
"It's nice to meet you, Dean," Castiel says, a hesitant smile on his face. "Thanks for your help. I really gotta get to class now but I do hope I'll see you around."
"Yeah," Dean manages, and with that, Castiel leaves, Dean staring after him in wonder.
Turns out they have three classes together. Castiel is new, which explains how Dean had never seen him before, and Dean kinda wants to help him get settled at this school but he also kinda wants to stay as far away from him as possible, so, in all of their shared classes, Dean decides to hide in the back of the room the second he sees Castiel. Luckily, Castiel doesn't seem to be too upset about Dean's distance, even though he does throw a few glances in his direction at the beginning. He eventually gets the hint when Dean won't meet his eyes though and turns away from him once and for all. Dean's sure he imagines the disappointment in his face.
Weirdly enough, Castiel ignoring him does nothing to alleviate the pressure on his chest, even though he knows it's what's best.
It's not fair that Castiel is in his sight all the time now though; he can already tell avoiding him is going to be harder than expected. But it's what he has to do, and he'll deal with it all somehow.
Over the course of the year, Castiel makes friends with a quirky redhead named Charlie and the demon that is Meg. Dean only knows this because despite intentionally avoiding Castiel, the boy is always in his periphery, and Dean can't help but notice these things. He also doesn't have much else to do, between him not having any friends and being bored all the time. Not that he is complaining. He could have friends if he wanted to. At least that's what he tells himself.
The year drags on and soon enough, Charlie comes out as lesbian by kissing her up-until-then secret girlfriend Gilda in the cafeteria. Dean takes this news more or less in stride, even though it rattles him more than he'd like to admit. All his life he'd been told to find a girl and settle down, and even though he knew there were people that don't abide to the norm, he never expected to actually know someone that was.
He spends the rest of that day hiding in the bathroom smoking pot, trying to numb his overactive brain. He doesn't want to think about why his first thought when seeing Charlie and Gilda kiss was about him and Castiel. He's not gay and he's not interested in Castiel; he's just confused about same-sex relationships in general, is what he tells himself. It doesn't matter that he has never been interested in any girls either, surely that will come with time. It's all gonna work out.
It's not even two weeks later when Castiel comes out as well. Or rather, is outed, by Meg of all people. According to her, she tried to ask Castiel out, but he told her no because he was gay. Now that sounds like hurt feelings and petty revenge on Meg's part, Dean thought at first - if it wasn't for the fact that she and Castiel are still tight as ever. So, Dean figures, it must be the truth. Not that he really cares.
However, it doesn't actually matter whether Castiel is gay or not, everybody believes that he is now anyway. And the school may have reacted well to Charlie's coming out, but lesbians were still more socially accepted than gay guys, at least in Dean's understanding, so Dean can't help but fear for Castiel. He doesn't want him to get bullied for who he is (or isn't), so, despite not actually being friends with him, Dean decides to keep a careful eye on Castiel, just in case some asshole tries to pull something.
So Dean follows him the next few days, secretly accompanying Castiel to all of his classes and waiting for him across the hallway after they're over, and Castiel never notices a thing. Or so Dean thinks, at least, until Castiel is suddenly gone from his view one second to the next, and Dean is left looking around for him frantically.
His heart starts pounding with fear when he realizes he's lost him, and he feels sick to his stomach. What if somebody got to him and Castiel is getting beaten up right this second? Dean was supposed to protect him!
So Dean continues to search the hallways, head clouded by worry, hands shaking with nervousness.
He eventually finds Castiel leaning against Dean's locker - how Castiel knew which one his locker was he'd probably never know - impatiently waiting with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face.
"Cas!" Dean exclaims and hurries over, too relieved to recognize the warning signals Castiel is giving off. He's alright - that's all that matters.
"What the hell are you doing?" Castiel spits at him, once he's gotten close enough to hear him. Dean stops in his tracks when he hears Castiel's tone. Something's not right, he finally realizes.
"I-" Dean starts, not knowing how to explain himself. What is he supposed to say? 'I was protecting you from bullies?' No way.
"Alright," Castiel starts and his eyebrows lower dangerously when he comes to stand in front of him. "Here's what I think. I'm assuming you just found out I'm gay, just like everyone else at this school. But let me tell you, if you're following me around for an opportunity to beat me up, I suggest you back the hell off, 'cause I know how to throw a punch," he says darkly, a glint in his eyes that Dean can't help but feel intimidated by. He hasn't done anything wrong, Dean knows, but Castiel is fucking scary like this.
"I wasn't gonna beat you," is all Dean says to explain himself, fighting his embarrassed blush, and he turns away to leave in a hurry. At least he now knows Castiel can take care of himself.
He doesn't notice the confused glance that follows him.
"Hey, you know what I just heard?" Dean hears Jess whispering to Lisa during class. He doesn't want to listen in, but it's hard not to when he's this bored and the girls are so close.
"What?" Lisa asks, always eager to hear the newest gossip.
"I just found out that Alfie is gonna ask out Castiel today," Jess says, giggling excitedly. Dean's head whips towards her. Alfie is gonna do what?
"Really?" Lisa asks, just as excited as Jess seems to be. "But he's, like, the shiest guy ever! Oh god, they'd be so cute together," she gushes.
Dean disagrees. They wouldn't be cute together at all.
"I know!" Jess chimes in, throwing heart-eyes in Castiel's direction and sighing happily, and Dean can't stand it anymore. He forces himself to stop listening and buries his head in his hands.
What the hell is wrong with him? Let Alfie ask Castiel out, Dean doesn't care either way... Except that Alfie is just so wrong for Castiel, Dean can literally feel his skin crawling. His stomach knows it, too, since it's tying itself into knots at the very thought.
He knows he can't let it happen, can't let Castiel end up with the wrong person when he deserves better than that. He has to try and stop it, some way or another.
And he does, later that day, when he sees Alfie walking over to Castiel's table during lunch. Without thinking about the consequences, he hurries over to Castiel's table himself, rudely cutting in front of Alfie, and invents some bullshit about forgetting to take notes in class and whether he could copy Castiel's. Castiel looks at him strangely but gives him his notes anyway, and when Dean sits down next to him to copy them and checks his surroundings, he finds that Alfie is already gone. He smiles triumphantly into his notebook and pointedly ignores the worried looks Charlie, Meg, and Castiel are exchanging. Keeping Alfie away from Castiel turned out to be easier than expected.
Except it isn't. The next day, Alfie tries again. And once more, Dean interferes by getting to Castiel first and scaring Alfie off with his presence. Castiel looks even more confused about Dean's sudden interest in his notes, but doesn't seem to question it further, so Dean continues to do what he does whenever Alfie starts his march across the room time and time again. Dean almost feels sorry for him, but he has to admit he's persistent - annoyingly so. But as long as Dean always keeps an eye on him, Castiel should be fine.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always go as planned. Dean lasts one and a half weeks successfully averting Alfie, before he has to stay after class to talk about a presentation. He knows what's gonna happen when he stays too long, so he rushes through the conversation and practically runs to the cafeteria, heading straight for Castiel's table. Which is where Alfie is already standing, fidgeting in front of Castiel, who's smiling at him expectantly. Shit, don't let him be too late!
"Hey, Cas, can I have your notes again?" Dean exclaims when he's within hearing range and comes to a stop in front of the two, effectively catching both of their attention.
"In a second, Dean," Castiel says, gesturing towards Alfie in explanation.
"But I need them now," Dean insists, pushing himself in front of Alfie to cut him off from Castiel's line of sight.
Castiel guides him back with a hand on his shoulder. "Dean, you're being very rude," he scolds him quietly and fixes him with a look asking him to be patient, and Dean can't help but stay where he is, pressing his mouth closed in frustration. His lower lip is trembling as Castiel turns back to Alfie, and he knows what's coming next. "Sorry, Alfie. You were saying?" Castiel encourages Alfie to continue while Dean's getting sick to his stomach.
"I- uh-" Alfie starts, nervously sneaking a glance at Dean, who is staring him down murderously. He swallows visibly, but then seems to make a decision and looks back at Castiel confidently, lifting his head higher. "I wanted to ask if you would like to go out with me some time," he eventually says, voice steadier than Dean would have expected, and keeps his gaze on Castiel's face, awaiting a reaction.
Dean turns towards Castiel as well, heart stuttering behind his rips as they both wait for his decision.
"Wow, uh," Castiel starts, blinking in surprise, but a slow smile starts to spread on his face. Dean's heart sinks in anticipation. "I don't know what to say. I didn't expect that," he continues and laughs a little in disbelief. "But yes. Okay. Let's go out," he agrees.
And Dean's heart shatters where Castiel drops it.
He watches blankly while Alfie writes down his number for Castiel, both of them smiling at each other happily. He watches blankly while Alfie hugs Castiel goodbye and promises to talk to him later. And he watches blankly when Castiel turns back to him, content smile still on his face, asking him whether he would like his notes now, and Dean just can't take it anymore.
He turns on his heels without another word and leaves for the bathroom.
When he gets there after what seems like forever, he locks himself inside a stall and breaks down like he never has before. His breathing has steadily been getting worse since leaving the cafeteria, his vision swimming before his eyes - whether from tears or hyperventilation, he cannot tell. Fact is he is hiding in a bathroom stall, gripping the toilet seat tightly, and waits for the world to stop spinning and the tears to stop falling. His chest is heaving with too deep breaths, but he can't seem to control those any more than he can control his pained moans. He's just glad there's nobody else in the room.
To be honest, Dean isn't even surprised by this turn of events - his panic attack has been a long time coming, he knows that, and ignoring the problem has probably only made it worse. He just couldn't deal with the reality... But it's too late now anyway. He just hopes somebody will find him when he eventually passes out.
Why does he have to be so stupid anyway? Why can't he be normal like most people, and not have to deal with all of this bullshit? It's not like he ever did anything to deserve this either. All he wants is to live his life without complications, but even that is too much to ask, apparently. Just because cute, dorky, little guys like Castiel keep messing with his head, making him gay and breaking his heart, no matter how unintentional it was.
He knows he's jealous. Jealous of Alfie for standing his ground and having the confidence to pursue what he wants, and jealous of Alfie for getting Castiel, who Dean didn't even know he wanted this badly before Alfie asked him out. And now it's too late, and Castiel will fall in love with that idiot, and Dean will be on his own just like always, and it just isn't fucking fair. But when has life ever been fair to him?
"Dean?" a familiar voice cuts through the veil of panicked thoughts, causing Dean's breath to catch in his throat when he realizes who it is. It's Castiel, and he's standing in front of Dean's stall, softly knocking on the door.
"Are you alright? Can you open up?" he asks.
Dean presses his eyes shut. Castiel can't see him like this, he can't; he'll know Dean's weak and pathetic and a coward, and Dean can't deal with it, no way. Unfortunately, Castiel is about to know all that anyway since the panic inside of Dean hits him full force once again, even stronger than before, and he can't even try to hide the desperate noises he's making.
"Dean," Castiel says again, more insistently. "Please open up, you're scaring me."
Dean knows it's futile, that it doesn't make a difference either way, so he loosens his death grip on the toilet bowl for a second to click the lock open. It'll be easier for Castiel to get help if he's not locked inside a stall anyway, him passing out is after all a pretty likely outcome by now.
"Dean," Castiel repeats once again, but this time quieter, so it's almost a whisper. He's evidently opened the door and is shocked at the picture Dean is making, not that it comes as a surprise. "What the hell happened?" he asks carefully.
Dean doesn't reply or look up. On the one hand because he doesn't want to and on the other because he can't. He's still breathing in and out as hard as a vacuum and the fact that Castiel can see him now isn't helping. Castiel seems to realize that he won't get anything out of Dean in this state, so he carefully sits down next to him and soothingly starts caressing Dean's back. "Whatever it is, it will be alright, Dean. You're alright," he mutters.
No, I won't, Dean thinks but he forces himself to focus on his breathing. He's no use to anyone like this, and he doesn't want to make Castiel witness his freak-out any more than he has to.
It takes him a while; he doesn't know how long exactly, but he eventually manages to calm down enough to sit back against the wall without the risk of falling down unconscious. Castiel is sitting right next to him, stroking his arm, and it's so much more calming than it should be.
"May I ask what happened, Dean?" Castiel asks again, and Dean instinctively knows that this is the last time he'll mention it. If he ignores him now, Castiel will drop it forever.
He somehow doesn't want that. He wants to share this whole mess with someone. Even if this someone is the cause for all of it.
"I'm gay," Dean says, and apparently that's explanation enough because Castiel's eyes widen in understanding and he mutters a sad, "Oh Dean."
Dean doesn't add anything more, just takes a few pieces of toilet paper, wipes his eyes with it and then blows his nose. They sit in silence for a few more minutes. Then Castiel speaks.
"When I first realized I was gay, I was freaking out, too. Admittedly, it wasn't as bad as it was for you, but I was so scared and confused and I didn't know what to do either. But it gets better, I promise. And one day you won't even remember why you were freaking out about it in the first place."
Dean presses out a laugh, but it sounds more like a scoff. Maybe it's a mixture of both.
"Can I ask what made you realize?" Castiel asked. "For me it was Dr. Sexy, as dumb as it sounds." He laughs and Dean can't help but stare in wonder. Castiel watches Dr. Sexy. Could the guy be any more perfect?
"You," Dean replies without thinking. "It was you."
"M-me?" Castiel stutters. His eyes are as big as Dean's ever seen them. "Really? I- I'm your gay awakening?"
"Yes. But it's too late now. You're going out with Alfie because I was too much of a coward to admit it. I wasn't ready."
Castiel seems to be rendered speechless for a few seconds.
"Well. Are you ready now?" he asks quietly. He keeps Dean's gaze somewhat confidently, but Dean notices the slight blush tainting his cheeks. It's the most wonderful sight Dean's ever seen, and it makes his chest throb with hope.
"Yes," he agrees, uncertain but determined. "I am."
"Then I'll cancel my date with Alfie," Castiel decides, and Dean can't even begin to describe the feelings exploding inside of him at those words. Could it really be this easy? Nothing in his life has ever been this easy, so why would this be the exception?
"Will you go out with me tonight?" Castiel asks and Dean nods stupidly, not capable of doing much more. "Great," Castiel smiles and there's genuine happiness in his voice. And before Dean can realize what's happening, Castiel has pressed a shy kiss to his cheek, effectively frying all brain cells Dean had left.
Without thinking, he turns his head towards Castiel and dives in for a real kiss.
Maybe it really can be that easy.