Work Text:
Sandy beaches. Rumbling waves. Salt on the breeze and her tongue. These are what Himeko holds onto when she needs to relax.
Like when she and her two not-bandmates suddenly put on a street performance in front of the train station to attract the aspiring artist back to their flyer. This day has been nothing but dragging, souring her mood further. She would have rather been by the sea, looking out on the rocky waters while munching on fries from her favorite take-out diner. Not here, exposed and out of place for the sake of some rando. Himeko closes her eyes, pictures the beach.
She starts singing. Her, the mic, the hum of her guitar; it all feels so right, but something’s off. Something is missing. It frustrates her, this nagging gut feeling that the band won’t work out. She doesn’t belong here, she doesn’t fit in. They would be better off without her, so why even try? Himeko grits her teeth and plays on, thinking only of the steady drum of water on the rocks and the deep bass of the waves.
When Himeko opens her eyes she almost stops playing. There’s a girl - a girl like the sea. She’s the only one listening. To Himeko’s shock, the girl kneels in the road and weeps, eyes never leaving hers. A roar rushes into Himeko’s ears and a calm settles over her.
She will always claim she has no idea why she did it, why she reached out her hand and invited this complete stranger to sing with them. She just had a feeling.
Months later, Himeko can’t decide which is worse: the corny, embarrassing way she made the best decision of her life, or how that decision has had a hand on her heart since the day she met her. Not that she’s complaining or whatever. Himeko will never complain about Howan.
Himeko will never complain how Howan invaded her house and made it a home. She will never complain that Howan’s breakfasts are anything other than delicious and the highlight of her mornings. She will never complain about how Howan says dumb or embarrassing things while she sleeps or how she stumbles into Himeko’s bed sometimes, walking while sleeping and shoving her feet into Himeko’s face. She will never complain about Howan forgetting her phone constantly or using the wrong toothbrush even though that’s gross ew gross gross gross, but it’s what roommates do.
Roommates?
Bandmates.
Bosom buddies? Geez, no, c’mon Himeko, you aren’t an eighteenth century pioneer.
No, they’re friends. Best friends.
Something like that.
Himeko has had “friends” before. Folks she used to hang out with, jam with, laugh with. Before they left her, anyway. Before she had a favorite spot. Before she learned to like being alone.
Pause. That isn’t true. She hates being alone. More than brain-freeze and burnt eggs and stubbed toes all rolled up into one bad hair day. Howan taught her that.
Howan. Frank, frighteningly sincere Howan. The girl like the sea. She pushes enough for Himeko to open up but pulls back before she crosses a line. She is always on Himeko’s shore, always reaching for her. It’s terrifying. Himeko can’t recall any friend who saw her so easily, who accepted all of her and still wanted to be around her, hyper-fixations and bad moods be damned.
Howan makes Himeko feel safe. When they sit together, Himeko feels like the water is only a breath away, and maybe that’s why she let her guard down so easily that day.
The band is hanging out post-jam session at their favorite greasy spoon. Ruhuyu and Howan are trying to convince Delmin she should get a hollow compartment in her guitar for on-stage snack emergencies (Howan did, leading to sticky fingers and chocolate-welded strings during a concert once, but after switching to cubed fruit she stands by her decision). Delmin is distraught, telling them no, that’s a terrible idea. She looks to Himeko for support, but Himeko shrugs and munches on some fries. They already tried the same thing on her last week, and Himeko bets Ruyuhu’s hand still stings from where she smacked it, caught straying too close with a ruler and electric saw. All Delmin has to do is zap Ruhuyu anyway.
Howan’s giggling and the stench of singed fur tell Himeko that’s exactly what happens, and Ruhuyu finally drops it. It’s silly, it’s so silly that Himeko has fun, relaxes, even leans into Howan when she scoots close enough to bump elbows and shoulders. Himeko should’ve known that this is the kind of moment where Ruhuyu strikes.
“Let’s talk about this, then,” Ruyuhu says smoothly, eyes darting between Himeko and Howan from under smoking bangs.
Uh-oh.
Ruhuyu stands in the booth she shares with Delmin, hopping up on the bench to plant a boot on the table and point down at them with a “rock on” symbol. “You two are awfully close, but you deny my Lunatic Psychometry! Not this time! It knows, and seeks validation! It tells me there is love here. Tell meee, Howan. What do you like about Himeko?”
Himeko fights the blush. “Get your feet off the table and sit down, idiot. This is still a restaurant.”
Delmin tugs on Ruhuyu’s skirt. “We know you’re not normal, you don’t have to keep doing that.”
Ruhuyu grumbles, but sits back down. Delmin pats the drummer’s shoulder almost encouragingly, but then turns back to the topic at hand, much to Himeko’s chagrin.
“What do you like about Himeko, Howan?” Delmin asks, obviously interested but thankfully with none of the malice Ruhuyu had.
“Um, there’s lots of reasons.” Howan taps her chin, scrunching her forehead cutely. “Himeko is really nice and dependable. She’s always there for me when I need her, and she helps me find my way to the studio when I get lost. Sometimes she lets me have her ice cream after dinner.” Howan giggles, “oh, and the other day, Himeko was super cool while she was writing a new song. She got so focused she stuck lots of pens in her hair and forgot so I had to help her find them.”
Himeko slides a hand down her burning face. That’s cool? She really needed to teach Howan the definition of “cool,” because spastic does not fit anywhere under even the broadest scope of “cool.”
“Aaaaww,” Ruhuyu coos, “that’s so cute!” Her trouble-making eyes immediately target Himeko next. “And you, Himeko? What do you like about Howan?”
“I’m not doing this,” she says flatly.
“Howan did. Isn’t it fair if you say something you like about her back?” Delmin adds unhelpfully.
Himeko rolls her eyes. She will not be a pawn in this stupid little set-up the two of them are throwing together. Maybe her crush on Howan isn’t subtle, but isn’t it up to her whether or not she wants to tell Howan? Ruhuyu, lover of gossip and romance, definitely doesn’t think so, not with that hungry look she has. Well this nosy wolf can hecking buzz off.
Uh-oh. Himeko makes the mistake of looking at Howan. She’s disappointed, her ears and tail drooping, her hands clasped together.
“You don’t like anything about me?” Himeko asks, almost pleading.
Shit, she really has to do this, doesn’t she? Otherwise that look will haunt her for the rest of the day. “Okay, fine! I… I like her tail, I guess? Does that count?”
“Oh?” Ruhuyu leans heavily on the table, eyes glittering with no small amount of mischief. “An Ass Woman, I see. You have refined tastes, Himeko.”
Himeko sputters, hating how she knows her face is already flushed. “T-that’s not what I meant! Howan’s tail is really fluffy and warm, just like her. That’s all!”
“Aw, I make you feel warm?” Howan asks, absent any teasing. Himeko wants to cry with relief because bless her, Howan gets it.
“Yes! That’s it. You make me feel warm. A-and like I can be a better version of myself. Howan makes it easy to be… kind.”
“Why didn’t you just say that then?” Ruhuyu teases.
Delmin cocks her head, confused. “Is this a confession? It sounds a lot like a confession.”
“They’re Lunatic Lovebirds, they’re probably always confessing when we’re not around.”
Holy treble clef make it stop.
“What’s a confession?” Howan startles when three pairs of eyes lock on her. “What?”
“Oho.” Ruhuyu shoots Himeko a knowing grin, hands steepled on the counter like she has all the cards in this game she’s clearly taken control of. “A confession, my dear pupil, is when someone has so many feelings, they express it in a declaration of love. Sometimes it’s spoken, sometimes it’s written, and if neither of those work it can always be shown. It’s a way of communicating your feelings to someone else.”
“Oh, I get it!” Howan beams. To Himeko’s mounting horror, Howan takes her hand and cheerfully declares, “I confess to Himeko all the time.”
Himeko swears she could hear a mic drop in the following silence.
“Ohoho, I smell a case! ” Ruhuyu is downright smirking now, that raggedy-ass wolf. “Is this true, Himeko? Does Howan confess to you all the time?”
Himeko tries not to explode. Sand, waves, salt on the breeze, calm. She loves her friends, she does, so why do they ( primarily Ruhuyu ) give her heart palpitations every other day? Has she stolen too many of Ruhuyu’s fries? Is Delmin still mad about the time she sat on her onigiri bear (she hadn’t meant to!)? Has she nitpicked their mistakes during practice one too many times? Has the Lunatic Drummer finally snapped and decided that gunning for Himeko’s dignity in front of her crush will be her vengeance?
Sand, waves, salt on the breeze… Howan. She almost forgot Howan has her hand, but a gentle squeeze kindly reminds her. Howan’s smile, Howan’s eagerness to know and be near Himeko, it couldn’t possibly mean what Himeko wants them to mean. She can admit she’s a dreamer, but Howan? Crushing on her? Damn it, Ruhuyu, they agreed to stop waxing poetic about miracles. How is she supposed to talk her way out of this and still come out safe?
Surprisingly, it’s Delmin who comes to the rescue.
“Leave them alone, Ruhuyu,” the little bassist says sternly. “What they say in each other’s confidence isn’t something you need to know.”
“Aw… I was just curious.”
Himeko sighs gratefully, happy to avoid total meltdown, and quickly learns she shouldn’t have. Delmin turns to her with a look no less devious than a wolf’s.
“Ruhuyu doesn’t need to know,” Delmin announces, leaning over the table with stars in her eyes, “but I do.”
Ruhuyu hides her smirk behind a hand, enjoying Himeko’s scowl of utter betrayal. What did she do to earn such gossips for friends?
“Okay, maybe not all the time, but I confess to her sometimes,” Howan cuts in, thoughtful and taking the troublemakers’ questions seriously. One day, she’ll also have to teach Howan what “rhetorical” means too. “I always tell Himeko that I love her and want to be with her forever.”
Delmin “ooh”s, Ruhuyu cackles, and Himeko stops breathing.
“Go on,” Ruhoyu urges. “What else do you guys say?”
Please don’t say, I am be g g i n g you please don’t say, ohmygod why am I so dysfunctional STOP HER.
“Well, Himeko doesn’t really say much, but that’s okay. I know she cares. Like the other day, when Himeko -”
BANG
The table clatters, an empty tray skittering across the floor. Himeko doesn’t care. All she hears is a distant roaring in her ears. All she sees are her forgotten fries. All she feels is a dull throb in her legs where they met the table and an aching need to get out of here.
She takes her fries and runs, hardly aware of the three voices calling her back.
Sandy beaches. Rumbling waves. Salt on the breeze and her tongue. Yet Himeko can’t relax.
After her freak-out in front of her friends, Himeko, predictably, ran to the beach. The shores are deserted, the clouds hiding the sun and the winds stirring up choppy waves. A great day to stay indoors and huddle under a blanket while watching a movie on her laptop, but she’s here instead. Frustrated, miserable, throwing rocks at the water.
Friends are stupid. Why does she have any?
“Found you,” a voice sing-songs from behind. Three guesses as to who.
Himeko pats the other half of her blanket, not bothering to spare Howan a glance as she settles down, steals a few fries, nibbles on them as she leans on her. They’ve done this song and dance so many times that it’s practically routine. Though, come to think of it, Himeko supposes it’s been a while since she’s felt like coming here alone. Weeks, maybe months. When she comes here now it’s almost always to chill with Howan, snack with Howan, watch the sunset with Howan. Weird how so much has changed in less than a year.
“Fry for your thoughts?”
She opens her mouth and lets Howan feed her a fry, munching angrily. “It’s nothing.”
“Doesn’t seem like nothing.” Their elbows knock together when Howan takes her arm, resting a chin on Himeko’s shoulder. “You don’t have to tell me, but I’d like to know. Please? I promise I won’t tell anyone this time.”
Shame washes over her.
I promise I won’t tell anyone this time.
She hadn’t meant for Howan to get caught in the crossfire of her and Ruhuyu’s personal spat, but it looks like that is exactly what she ended up doing. Way to go, Himeko. Real class act, that’s what you are. If she had just tried a little harder, been a little more aware...
“It’s okay, Howan. I was just mad. Ruhuyu’s a… special case.”
“Well Delmin says sorry. Ruhuyu says she’s sorry too, and if you give her a chance to make it up to you she’ll treat you to dinner. They knew you didn’t like it, but they said they wanted to tease you because that’s what friends do.”
Himeko blows a raspberry, slightly happier hearing Howan giggle. “It’s a start, I guess. I’ll talk to them later, when I’ve cooled off."
Howan picks at the fries, not eating. “Are you mad because I told them I love you?”
“No, no it’s not that. I’m not mad at you. I know you don’t always know any better and that’s kinda my own fault. I’m mad at them for taking advantage of what you don’t know and using it against me,” Himeko growls, envisioning Ruhuyu’s smug face and punching it right off. Okay, not really, but it’s how she feels. “Ruhuyu’s made it her mission to embarrass me for some reason. She’s been targeting you so you’ll talk about your feelings and I get embarrassed.”
“So I embarrass you?”
“What? No, I meant -”
“That’s what you said. You said that Ruhuyu and Delmin know they can make me talk about how I feel about you, and that’s embarrassing. Isn’t that what you said?”
“W-well, yeah, but sometimes I just…”
“No, it’s okay. I get it,” Howan says quietly, hurt. Himeko knows it, sees it. The way Howan fixes her eyes on the horizon and hugs her knees to herself, as though trying to hold the hurt in. “Really, I do. I don’t know much about city life, so it was only a matter of time that I ended up saying something I shouldn’t have.”
Realization creeps like horror beneath Himeko’s skin. No, no no no no shit Howan isn’t supposed to feel guilty for what she did, she isn’t supposed to feel guilty for being herself. That isn’t why she’s mad!
“Back home, I did the same thing. My family, my town, we all talk and talk because we’re all so close. Nothing really stays secret in a small town, but it’s not like that in the city. There’s these divides between people, and secrets grow so easily in the spaces no one sees. I’m sorry, Himeko. I should’ve known it worked differently here. I shouldn’t have - ”
“No!” Himeko cuts her off this time, shouting without meaning to. Stands up without meaning to. Glares down at Howan without meaning to. Says things she knows she’ll regret later like she means it. “You absolutely should have! You don’t embarrass me - I embarrass myself . You talk about your feelings so confidently and tell everyone what’s on your mind without caring if they know or not. I can’t do that, Howan. I can’t just say what I’m feeling like you do. I can’t be vulnerable like you. When you say you love me, I -”
I want to say it back
but it doesn’t come out. Her mouth hangs open like a broken hinge, squeaking whenever it moves.
Howan stands up too. Himeko doesn’t know what Howan’s thinking. Despite what she says, Howan is surprisingly sharp. No matter the question she’s asked, Howan typically has a thoughtful, well-reasoned answer at the ready. Her charm is disarming, and her feelings cut Himeko deep. So, so deep.
Love isn’t something Himeko gives easily; Howan figured that out fast, content with Himeko’s unique love-language and not caring that she doesn't say “I love you” back. What she couldn’t have known is what Himeko means if she ever finds the courage to say it.
Himeko fell for her so fast and for so long that she found solace in the falling, almost forgetting about the ground. It’s rushing up now, and only Himeko has the power to stop herself from hitting the bottom. All it takes is saying what she means.
“I want to say it,” Himeko says, so quiet that the sound of the waves almost drown her out, “I want to say it so much but I can’t. We’re not the same.”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t love me the same way that I…” Himeko struggles to finish, the words getting stuck in her throat. “You don’t -”
She stops. Two hands cup the sides of her face - Howan’s hands - and she’s looking into such deep, sad eyes. Why are they sad? Himeko doesn’t want them to be sad.
Howan speaks slowly, picking her words carefully, “you don’t love me the way I love you?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You don’t want to be around me?”
Himeko frowns. That’s dumb. Of course she wants to be around Howan. “No, I do.”
“You don’t like spending time with me then?”
“No, I like that.”
“You don’t want to have breakfast with me anymore? Do you want me to move out?”
“No! No, I like your cooking, and… I like having you around.”
“Then do you not like me touching you? Should I stop?”
“Uh…” Himeko fights the blush, but it’s a lost cause. “N-no, you don’t have to stop.”
At this point, Howan is a little red too, but a little embarrassment hasn’t stopped her before, so why should it now?
“Do you… do you hate the thought of being “lovebirds,” then?” Her voice is small, hesitant. "That’s what Ruhuyu’s always teasing you about. Does the thought of being with me… disgust you? Do you not like that?”
“No, I like it very much. That’s the problem.”
Himeko slaps a hand over her mouth. She said that out loud, she said that very much out loud. Oh no, oh no, has she said too much? This is why she hardly says anything at all if she can help it. What if Howan doesn’t want to be friends anymore? What if -
What if Howan laughs like she gave her the answer to all the world’s problems?
“I don’t think my love is as different as you imagine it to be,” Howan chides gently, taking away Himeko’s hand. “Please trust me when I say I feel the same. I know you can’t say it now, but you can always show me.”
The look Howan gives her: loving, trusting, hopeful, scared. Howan’s putting everything on the line, exposing her heart and handing Himeko the knife.
Himeko wishes she were so bold, wishes that she were more decisive. She leans in, half-way toward achieving a goal she’d give anything to finish, but still manages to fuck it up.
It is a damn good thing, then, that Howan is more than willing to finish what Himeko started.
Howan, Himeko finds out, still has salt on her lips; she tastes like the sea.
Himeko pulls away first, sure she has a goofy smile and hardly caring. “I think you might be right. Maybe you do like me the way I like you. I can’t be sure without further testing, buuuut…”
Howan laughs, a sound more delightful than song. “I’ll kiss you as many times as it takes.”
Himeko is more than certain that she will.
It quickly becomes obvious how new they are. Himeko’s shy, hesitant to move. Howan’s sloppy and eager, kissing cheeks and noses just as many times as lips. She tickles, making Himeko laugh, making her bolder. Together they find a balance, sinking into the other like their heart’s harbor.
By the time they return home, they’re drunk as sailors on nothing but love and unable to look anywhere but each other. Howan trips on the door’s threshold but Himeko’s quick to pull her back, quick to catch her. Howan laughs and Himeko grins because it’s late late late it’s so late and they’re too buzzed to fall asleep.
They get ready for bed anyway. Howan sticks to Himeko like a catchy commercial jingle, popping up when Himeko least expects it and preventing her from thinking about anything else. Her brain chants Howan Howan Howan.
It’s no small wonder that Himeko fumbles getting into her pajamas, blushing like crazy. They agree to try sleeping in the same bed, since Howan sleep-crashes into Himeko most nights anyway, but this time they are sleeping together while together. Somehow that makes it new and sends a knot of nerves rolling in Himeko’s stomach. Howan’s smile helps ease it, at least until the sight of Howan in Himeko’s pj’s makes her heart swoop. This girl is hers now. Hers to hold and to kiss and to love. Wild.
Even more wild, Howan is straddling her, hands flat on the mattress on either side of Himeko’s head, boxing her in.
Wait a minute.
“What are you doing?” Himeko asks.
“Um, this is what we’re supposed to do, right?” Himeko has never seen Howan blush very deeply before. Her face is so cute, beyond cute, and normally Himeko would treasure the moment, but it’s tainted with something awful. It’s clear Howan’s nervous. She won’t look Himeko in the eye and her shoulders wear a slight tremor. “People in love… they, they do this kind of stuff alone, don’t they? They kiss, get ready for bed together, and then they, um…”
Oh sweet furry messiah she’s talking about sex.
Of all the times to be ignorant about big city life this has to be one of them?
Howan reaches for the zipper of her own jacket, hand shaking, intent on pulling it down. Himeko catches that hand before it has the chance because nope, can’t have that.
“No no. No way. We’re not doing that.”
“But isn’t this - ?”
“It’s what some couples do alone together, sure, but it’s not like they do it all the time. And they definitely don’t always do it after the first date. Sometimes… sometimes they aren’t ready for that. I know I’m not ready for that yet. We only started dating like three hours ago, we don’t have to rush into this.” Himeko cups Howan’s face, forcing her to look Himeko in the eye. “Listen, it’s okay. We don’t have to.”
“You don’t want…?”
“We don’t have to,” Himeko repeats firmly. “There aren’t rules about this sort of thing.”
“What?” Howan exclaims, “there aren’t rules?”
“Yeah,” Himeko explains as she tugs Howan down. Balanced on one arm like she is, Howan collapses onto her perfectly. Himeko anchors her in place, arms holding on tight and cheek smooshed against Howan’s hair. “There aren’t any rules or milestones for dating except the ones we want to make. It’s our relationship, so we make the rules. Things like what we can’t do or things we want the other to do. Stuff that we can both agree on.”
“Really?” Howan breathes excitedly, clearly happy to move on, all thoughts of sex forgotten. It saddens Himeko a little to think Howan would have gone through with it just to make her happy. If Howan doesn’t want to, she doesn’t have to. She mentally notes to bring it up, but Howan’s still talking, balling her fist in Himeko’s pajama jacket, “I’ve never gotten to make the rules for anything before. Can they be about anything?”
“Sure. Why don’t you make the first one? Be reasonable though. I reserve the right to veto.”
“Um.” Howan squirms, getting comfy in the crook of Himeko’s shoulder. “Oh, I know! Every day, you gotta give me a good morning kiss.”
Honestly, she should have expected Howan to make a rule just about kissing. There will probably be more. “Okay, but what about when we can’t wake up together or have to spend the morning apart? What do I do then?”
“That won’t happen! I’ll make sure of it. But if it does... you gotta blow me a kiss no matter where you are. I’ll know if you don’t.”
Himeko presses her lips to Howan’s forehead, glad when Howan squeezes her. “I like it. What about the second rule?”
“I already got to make one. It’s your turn.”
That’s fair. “How about… if one of us is feeling down, we tell the other, and we figure out a solution together. If we don’t feel like talking about it, we do something instead.”
“That’s a good one,” Howan agrees, her voice growing small, sleepy. Love, while playful and strong, has a habit of singing into the ears of its followers, promising blissful dreams and a beautiful tomorrow. Howan must hear it, because she stifles a yawn in her sleeve. “What will we do?”
“Whatever we want. We can grab fries and sit by the beach for me, and we can listen to music and cuddle on the couch for you. Or neither. We can jam, or catch a movie, or take a trip somewhere and watch the stars. I’ve been wanting to do that again.”
“Do we have to be sad before we see the stars or a movie?”
“No, we can go when we’re happy, too.” Her fingers sift through soft, pale hair, wondering how it would feel to do this on a mountaintop, just the two of them and the star-studded sky.
“That’s good. It’d be kind of awful if we went back to Eiyatto and didn’t see the dawn because we weren’t sad.”
“Were you thinking of having another training camp soon?”
“Actually,” Himeko notes, surprised, that Howan sounds a little embarrassed, “maybe it could just be the two of us? I really love Ruhuyu and Delmin, and I’d love for us all to go together again, but maybe…. Maybe the next time I go to see my family, only you go with me? Is that okay?”
Himeko hugs her, partly because she feels like it, partly because she doesn’t want Howan to see how red she is. Howan wants Himeko to meet her parents. Actually meet her parents this time. Not as a friend or bandmate, but something a little different. They haven’t talked labels, but she may just meet Howan’s family as… as Howan’s girlfriend.
If Himeko’s honest, she’s afraid. They may have liked her as Howan’s friend, but what about now? Will they see Himeko differently? Will they expect better? Expect her to be more? More of what, she doesn’t even know, but she feels herself spiraling anyway.
Howan hugs her back, patiently waiting.
“They’ll love you,” Howan whispers into Himeko’s shoulder. “I do, so they will too.”
Oh. Himeko’s anxiety melts; not gone, just lesser, and no longer the reason her heart beats so fast. What is she supposed to say now other than yes? “It’s more than okay. Let’s do it. You and me. On one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You can’t leave me alone with your grandma. She seemed to think I was the most “rock” one there last time, so she kept trying to pass me her old rocker stuff. It was sweet and all, but… chokers and ripped fishnets are so not my style.”
“Haha, aw, that means she likes you! But okay. Stick with me and I’ll protect you from Grandma and her accessories.”
“That’s a rule now, no take-backs.”
“Then you gotta kiss me.”
“Excuse me?”
“New rule,” Howan asserts, drawing herself up and over Himeko again, her grin sleepy but sly, “when we make a new rule, you gotta kiss me.”
“That’s dumb. I’d do it anyway.”
“But now you have to do it, no take-backsies. You owe me at least seventeen.”
“We haven’t made that many rules yet.” Himeko rolls her eyes but sits up anyway. “C’mere, you.”