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I have heard mortals say that of all beings in the known universe the one that can never cry is Death. And they were right. I have seen horror beyond imagining, cruelty the mere retelling of which would strike one dead. I have seen tragedies that ended empires, injustices that defy reason. Love, that would light the very stars, turned cold and hard. Seen torments that cannot possibly be borne and yet must be. For seemingly countless years. And even after seeing all of that I have grown so numb and used to my role that I have never shed a single tear since becoming this being.
I have walked this earth for longer than I can really remember now. Cursed to an eternity of serving the gods as the shepherd of Death. And that is not a metaphor or like a scene thing or something. I literally am Death, The grim reaper, the ferryman er...ferry woman etc. I am the one you see in the last moments of life before you are taken to the other side for an eternity of damnation or salvation. I am the necessary evil of the world. To rob the life of those who beg and need it still. And that is what I am going to do tonight.
I heard it before it happened but the sudden sound of metal on metal did not shock or surprise me, I knew it was coming. I was called here for a reason. The heat of the flames that burst forward followed by the cries for help were sounds I have heard thousands of times before. Before me was a small car overturned over the guard rail of a sharp turn of this road that was known to be treacherous in bad weather, and right now it was downpouring. I approached the railing as other cars slowed and stopped with people yelling and shouting trying to see if they could help those in the car.
I ignored them as they ignored me, perks of being an ethereal being not many could see you, and walked down to the burning car. The front driver’s side door had been torn off in the crash and a middle aged man was currently crawling out of the car. He definitely was injured but he was not the one I was here for. The person I was here for was the one sitting in the back seat, still buckled in as smoke filled the cabin.
“Oh god no! Hang on sweetie daddy will get you out of there.” The man yelled helplessly as he began to tear at the door separating him from his five year old daughter in the back seat.
I sighed as I knelt down and watched a bit, waiting my turn to try to take her out of the car. The door was wedged close and the flames coming out of the dash were too great to let him reach her from the front of the car. I watched as some of the people who stopped to help jump down and tried to help the man reach his daughter. The other half of the car was wedged against a tree blocking that door, and the rear end was impacted upon itself essentially making the door they were all working on the only way to reach the girl.
The girl stirred conius and started to scream at the fire and smoke around her as her dad begged and pleaded with her that it would be okay and they were going to get her out. I knew how this was going to end and felt like it was getting close as the girls' coughs became more frequent and her screams more like whimpers as they got weaker.
“Sorry dad, I think she is coming with me.” I say half heartedly as I enter the car through the front, passing through the flames as if they were nothing. It’s not that I felt good to be taking this child so young, it’s more that I felt nothing. Thousands of years of taking children far too young, robbing mothers of their opportunity to see their child outgrow them, forcing fathers to bury their own sons, even stealing them before they even had a chance to live at all. I was just numb to it all.
I was within arms reach of the child when I heard the creak of metal being bent and snapping as the door the father and others were working on finally gave in and tore open before them. I tilted my head in surprise as I watched the father brave the flames closing in on his daughter and pull her out just in time before they filled the rear seat.
“How odd…” I thought aloud to myself. The girl was on the brink of death and it was rare to see them be pulled away from it when they are that close. I exited the car as the crying father laid his daughter on the ground yelling her name over and over begging her to wake up.
I watched in interest as the father pressed up and down on his daughter’s chest and breathed air into her as if trying to force life back into her. It was a valiant attempt for sure I thought, but I could tell she was much far too gone. Getting her out of the car did nothing but delay what I was here to do. I found myself somewhat hoping I would be wrong for once and the child would just cough and come to life and be able to smile and hug her father once more but knew that the pull of death I felt off of her was still too strong to mean anything but what she expected to happen.
I reached down to the child as the father’s tears rained down on her and hovered my hand over her forehead for just a moment longer. Just as I was about to administer my touch on her I saw her eyes spring open. I paused for a moment surprised but then noticed the father was still weeping and praying to himself to not lose her. The girl looked around in a panic as she sat up out of her father’s arms and seemingly out of her own body. I stood up and stepped back as the girl turned to her father and begged him to stop crying and that she was right there and okay.
“Hey kid…” I said coldly after a moment too long of hearing the girl cry to her father.
She turned to me and shreaked, then crawled behind her kneeling father and whimpered more.
I rolled my eyes and walked around her father to her. Her transparent form reached for the back of her father in an attempt to grab onto him for safety. This night was full of surprises it seemed. Not in quite a while did I see someone so close to death that their soul leaves their body before they actually pass. It was not abnormal or too odd to distract or alert me but it presented me the rare chance to actually communicate with those I take before I can take them.
“Who are you?” The girl asked with an intense fear in her voice after failing to gain the attention of her father.
“I’m...I’m Death. And I am here to take you to where you need to go.” I said holding out my hand for her to take.
She almost instinctively pulled back from my hand and started to cry more, “No I want to stay with daddy. I don’t want to leave him.”
“I know...but it’s too late now. Don’t be scared you will be at ease soon enough.” I tried to explain. I’ll admit that part of me liked being able to talk to them as they passed but when it came to children there was always so much confusion and fear in them that they were not able to say much other than begs and pleads not to go.
“No please! Don’t take me. I don’t want to go!” She essentially gasped out between cries and tears.
I reached my hand out once more towards her forehead, “Just close your eyes and it will be okay.”
The girl was backed against her crying father reduced to a mess of tears and begging as she suddenly vanished. I blinked to make sure I was not seeing things as I heard a cough and the girl suddenly came to life in her father’s arms.
“Dad...daddy?” She coughed out as he pulled her closer to him and cried that she was okay now and he was so sorry for what just happened, begging her for forgiveness over and over again.
“I want to stay with you daddy, I don’t want to go with her.” She pleaded as she grabbed onto his arms and clung onto him hard.
“Go? With who?” The father asked confused but with a much relieved tone in his voice.
“A scary lady wanted me to come with her, she said I had to go, don’t make me go daddy please.” She said between coughs and tears.
“No, you are staying here with daddy I promise, you are safe.” The dad said as he cradled his daughter.
I did a double take at what just happened before me. I have seen people cheat me before and I don’t mind it really but to cheat me twice like this? Something had to be going on. I looked around and then I saw it. Hiding behind some nearby trees I noticed a glowing aura peek it’s head out at me then quickly duck back behind it trying to hide. I sighed and left the family in their happiness to be alive as the paramedics finally arrived and approached the tree line.
I stopped several feet away from the tree line the figure hid behind and sighed. If this was who I thought it was would they even want to talk to me? I tried to remember the last time we spoke but nothing came to mind since we were given our tasks. And for that reason I suspected they must hate me more than anything. I peaked around the tree line once more and saw that the figure was still there and had not yet ran away from her. Maybe this was a sign they did want to talk.
“Um...hey there…” I managed to finally get out.
I saw them tense up and let out a deep breath but still not come out from where they were. “I can see you, please come out.” I pleaded.
There was no response but I could hear the person rustling from behind the tree some more, “Laura...please.”
There was a deep breath and another moment passed before she stepped out from behind the tree, “Hey Carm….”
It really was Laura. She looked just as I remembered her all those years ago. Her blonde hair a bit longer now but that face. It was a face that just made you smile back to her no matter what you were feeling. She was dressed similarly to me, albit for all the black I wore she wore nothing but white.
Well, when I say it was Laura I don’t think I am being literal. As I am literally not still Carmilla. No, she and I died many years ago and we have now moved on to become what we are now. I Death, and her Life. She is the one who provides and gives life to all in the world. She is literally my other half. For all the evil I do in this world by ending what she creates she just creates more.
“It’s nice to see you again…” she got out rubbing her arm looking away from me, as if unsure that her words were something I wanted to hear.
“It has been a while, like hundreds if not thousands of years I think…” I replied somewhat coldly.
She just nodded, “It seems we have both been so busy in our roles that we never have time to meet up anymore.”
I nodded in return, “Why now then? Why stay and not leave?”
“Well I had a little bit before my next appointment, and I wanted to...talk…” She said shyly.
“Talk? I see…” I thought aloud to her. “About what?”
She shrugged after a moment and there was an extended awkward silence between us before I finally spoke up, “Well there is one thing I would like to say.”
She gave me a hopeful look with a smile, “Yeah?”
“You know you cannot keep doing this.” I replied after a moment in thought.
Laura gave me a guilty look as the smile faded from her face, “What do you mean?”
I rolled my eyes and remembered all the times this sort of thing had happened before. I would be there to collect and then a miracle would happen and they would hang on by the skin of their teeth. A puppy dodging a speeding car at the last minute, a newlywed couple’s plane crashing but they were able to make it through. There were enough of these instances for me to notice a pattern, someone was saving them, saving them from me. “You really went out of your way to save that kid didn’t you? Two close calls there?”
Laura sighed and shook her head, “It’s just...they are so young and have so much to live for.”
Those words stung a bit knowing it was me who would have been the one to take away that life, “You are throwing off the balance.” I managed to get out, trying to make this sound serious and important.
The woman in white just shrugged before me, “There are enough things out there ready for death, or close enough to it to pass on that we can let a couple things like this slide you know.”
I couldn’t help but shake my head, “Look I get that you hate what I do but it’s more serious than-”
“What?” She interrupted me, giving me her full attention.
“That this is serious and you shou-” I repeated.
“No, before that.” She butted in once more.
“That you hate me.” I shrugged,
Laura looked like I had just kicked her puppy, “What would make you think I would hate you?”
I laughed at that for some reason, I didn’t really find it funny, more that I thought it was something so obvious there would be no reason to question it. Laura just kept her serious look towards me, “What is funny?”
“Nothing...it’s just I know you hate me so to hear you ask why is amusing I guess.”
“Carm...I don’t hate you…” She said after a moment of silence between us.
I looked over to her waiting for her to finish that with a ‘I despise’ or ‘I loath’ but it never came, only a look of pure concern and worry. “What...what do you mean?” I manage to ask.
Laura walked over to me and sat down near a tree. She looked up at me and smiled, “Do you remember before?”
I didn’t have to ask before what. I knew what she spoke of. Back before we were assigned our roles in life and death by the gods. Back when we were mortal. “I remember parts of it, more like it was a dream than reality.”
She nodded at me, “Same. It feels like I am remembering a book I read rather than a life I lived. But I do remember one thing clearly, that I loved you. And you loved me. We were happy together.”
I felt a pain where my heart would be. Flashes and memories of a past life came to me as I saw Laura and I living a normal life. I could remember us first meeting in that stupid dorm room in college when I was still a bloodsucker, saving the world multiple times, my mother, our friends, her asking to marry me, us growing old. Those were the memories that were always clear to me. How we met, how we died, why we were cursed to play the roles we were now in. It was those memories that were clouded or faded from my mind.
“After all these years. I still remember that I loved you. And I remember why I loved you.” Laura said, interrupting my thoughts. “And you must know that I have never once stopped loving you.”
I stood there dumbfounded for what seemed forever, “Why?” I managed to get out in disbelief.
She looked at me and just smiled once more, “Cause even after all these years you are still my Carm. No matter how infrequent we are able to see each other, no matter what others say or claim, I still love you as I once did.”
“How can you love one who destroys all you create?” I felt myself ask, I didn’t want to ask it. I wanted to just blindly accept the love offered to me but I knew that question would burn into me forever if I did not ask it.
Laura just smiled and reached over to some budding plants and touched them, at her touch they sprung alive and grew to full flowers before her. “I’m not that naive Carm. I know that all things must die after a while. You are not destroying or ending anything, you just move them on to the next part of their journey.”
“Journey?” I asked disbelievingly.
“Yeah. In life things get to grow, to learn, to love. And in death they get to reflect, to rest, and to find peace.” Laura scoffed a bit as she caressed the flower she had just grown, “I don’t know why you treat yourself so coldly. You are not the villain. You are not my enemy. You are just the guide to the next part of things.”
“Then why try to stop me?” I asked, remembering what brought me here to begin with.
She just smiled again, “Just because I know things die doesn't mean I can’t try to at least make sure they enjoy most of it before they pass. I like to make sure I can send them to you fully fulfilled when I can.”
I tilted my head in confusion, “What?”
Laura approached me with her hand out and almost out of instinct I reached out towards it. I wanted to feel her touch so badly it hurt. As our hands neared each other we both felt it, a force was driving them apart. And no matter how hard we both pushed to link hands we were repelled from each other. This was part of the way things were. We exist as constants but can never truly interact.
Smiling, she stood up and stretched a little, “We never see each other really and the only way I can communicate with you are the lives I send to you to take. I cannot give you my love directly, so I give it indirectly. I know there is way too much out there to make them all matter or mean something, but whenever I can I make sure to send you someone who was loved and who loved others as much as I love you.”
I found myself for a loss of words for a moment as I took in what she had told me.
“I grow the flowers for you every year, I give life with so much love embedded into it so I can give them as much love as I love you, I make all this life to show you that even in death and separation there can still be love. My love.” She continued as I still gave her words more thought.
“All these years, I thought I was destroying what you created, but you were sending me proof of your love this whole time. I...don’t know what to say really. Other than I feel horrible that I cannot really show anything back to you…”
Laura sighed, “You never have to do that. I know that you accept my gifts I send you. And that is more than enough of proof I need of love. I know that you still love me, because I still love you. Thought being able to see you again helps put any doubts to rest that’s for sure.”
“I...what do you mean? How...how can you be sure that I still...” I ask confused.
She laughed, “Carm I have known you for so long now I can tell what you are thinking based on what face you are making. And your face right now is saying that you still love me.”
“Does it now?” I ask with a slight smirk.
“Am I wrong?” She asked me already knowing the answer.
I sighed and held my eyes shut tight for a moment. A genuine smile broke out as I opened my eyes and looked over to Laura, “No...no you are not...I...I’m sorry I thought you hated me.”
“You never have to apologize for that. It’s my fault really. I just assumed you got what I was doing. We always had a problem with communication if I remember right, and not seeing each other in what feels like centuries sure hasn’t helped.”
I nodded, “Yeah...so allow me to be direct if that is okay.” I mustered the courage to say as she tilted her head in suspense, “I do love you. I never stopped.”
“I know Carm...but I love hearing it. I love you too.” She smiled at me and looked up to the stars, “Do you still like the stars?”
“I...I think I do, I never really gave them much thought after I started this role.” I sighed realizing that one of my pleasures in life had fallen so far down on things I noticed and appreciated.
“That’s fair...would you believe that it's the same with me and cookies?” She whispered to me as if it was a big secret.
I gave a mock horrified look to her, “What? Are you sure you are my Laura? She would never in a million years not desire cookies over all else. Next you’re going to tell me you stopped caring about your show about The Doctor and Harry Potter.”
Laura just smiled at me before her face suddenly changed and she looked at her watch, “Oh crap, I gotta go. There is a litter of puppies being born soon and I have to be there to see it, they are so cute when they first open their eyes.”
I couldn't help but smile and laugh a bit at the innocence she gave off, “It’s okay cupcake, I understand.”
She nodded and blew me a kiss, “So from now on though, know that you are not taking anything away when things pass on, you are just guiding them to the next part of their journey. And each time you help someone who has more love than you can even fathom, know that I sent them to you with it to show you you are loved.”
I could feel myself blush a bit as I nodded back, “Thank you Laura…see you around.”
“Always…” She says with a smile as she walks behind a tree and seemingly disappeared.
I smiled and looked back at the accident that brought me here. By this time the father and some paramedics had loaded the child into an ambulance. I saw tears fall from both of them and knew that they were tears of love towards each other for a chance to live and love more. Before today I would have seen that as another sin I must commit later, to take that love away. But I now know that they live to love, and still love after death. I am not ending that love, just letting them move on.
I laughed to myself as I felt a single tear fall from my eyes. Of all things the thought of someone showing me love had made me cry.
Someone still loved me.