Chapter Text
Lance didn’t bring his medications with him into space. It’s not like he had them on him when he went to sneak out of the Garrison that night. It was going to be a quick in and out for some fun. The last thing he expected was to be zapped through a wormhole and pulled into an intergalactic war.
But despite that, Lance managed to cope pretty well. Sure, his behavior got a little more erratic, but eventually he settled into enough of a routine to calm down. Lance thought he was managing pretty well without letting anyone else know. Pidge was always absorbed in her laptop and didn’t even trust Lance to tell him that she was a girl, so he wasn’t going to tell her about his problems. Lance idolized Shiro and didn’t want to appear weak to his hero, so that was a no too. Keith was definitely a no and hated Lance’s guts. He barely knew Allura and wasn’t going to tell the girl he flirted with repeatedly. Coran was a bit of a toss-up. While Lance got the feeling Coran cared, he wasn’t ready to discuss something like that with the Altean. Lance also had a sneaking suspicion that Hunk knew, but neither of them ever said anything.
Then things changed. First Shiro disappeared and there was a change in the roster. Blue had practically kicked him out and that honest to god hurt, but he was elated to find out that Red had accepted him—temporarily—at least until they found Shiro. Him and Keith had actually started to get along and dropped their petty rivalry. Thankfully, they found Shiro and everyone was incredibly relieved. But then Keith began withdrawing from the team again before he left altogether. Another blow to Lance, one that hurt more than when Blue kicked him out.
Their little space family that had unknowingly kept Lance together was falling apart.
And Shiro was...different. Lance couldn’t put his finger on it, but he could feel it--feel it in his gut whenever he was around Shiro. It made Lance all queasy and prickly on the inside. He chalked it up to the man getting captured and having his head scrambled a second time. To make matters worse, the others slowly stopped paying attention to his jokes, so Lance stopped making them and became more serious, but not even that drew their attention. His little support group had effectively shut him out. Between the jabs they threw at him and constantly being ignored and no medications to regulate his mood, Lance’s confidence in himself quickly eroded.
And then there were nights like tonight where Lance laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He was supposed to be asleep, but he couldn’t shut his mind off. He had visited Kaltenecker earlier to and had some milk to help cheer him up, but it didn’t last long. Then he tried playing the Earth video games again, but he got stuck on a level and died fourteen times before he gave up, which only worsened his mood. As a last ditch effort, he had went to talk to the others, but Hunk and Pidge were working on something techy, Coran was fixing the castle, and Shiro and Allura were discussing strategies for expanding the Voltron coalition. Lance was either no use or in the way, so he simply left.
I don’t get it. Why do they just ignore me? Am I just that annoying? Do they only tolerate me because I’m needed to fly the Red Lion? Probably, they’d trade me for Keith in a heartbeat. It’s not like I bring anything to the team, I mean, I’m their sharpshooter, but no one else thinks that. I really am just a burden to everyone. Maybe if Keith came back, he could fly Red and then maybe...Lance's eyes widened at the realization and he shuddered at the thought.
Maybe I could go home.
They wouldn’t need me anymore then. Ha, yeah right. He left because I’m annoying and he couldn’t stand me anymore. I thought maybe he might actually view me as an equal and see my value as a team member, but who am I kidding? If no one else does, then why should he? I really am just a burden to everyone. They would replace me in a heartbeat. I’m nothing more than a cargo pilot who got lucky. Who would even— Lance suddenly surged upright and practically flew off the bed toward the bathroom in his room. He immediately went to the cabinet, looking through shelves and pulling out drawers, looking for the object he had seen a while ago. When he first got settled into his room aboard the castle, Lance had rifled through the drawers, searching for something that was the equivalent of lotion. Lance hadn’t thought much about the contents of the drawers, but he searched through them now, looking for the object he knew he had glimpsed previously.
There.
Lance grabbed the object and stared at it. Whatever it was, it had a slim curved blue and white handle, but when Lance flipped it over, it had what he was looking for. Lance quadruple checked that the door to his bedroom was locked and then locked the bathroom door and rolled up his sleeves. Lance pried a single blade out of the futuristic razor-looking device, careful not to slice his fingers.
When he went to press the blade into the skin of his wrist, Lance hesitated. This was a really really bad idea. He might be able to conceal what he’d done while wearing his armor, but the others were sure to see the cuts whenever he took off his jacket. Would they really care? A sick part of his mind wondered. But I want to do this. Soooo bad. They wouldn’t care. I’m just a useless paladin to them. A temporary until they find someone to replace me. The thoughts suddenly became too much and Lance had his mind made up. In a rush, he tore off his blue Altean robe and boxers that he was wearing and climbed into the tub, the single blade pinched between his fingers. Lance stared down at his caramel legs for a moment before pressing the blade into his upper right thigh, making two quick slices. He hissed as it stung in protest, but he melted from the relief it brought. Lance stared at the blood pooling on his leg in the darkness and was suddenly horrified at what he’d done. He pressed his hand into the cuts, trying to get the bleeding to stop. Luckily, he hadn’t cut too deep and suddenly remembered the first aid kit that had been left in his room when he scraped his knee messing around with Hunk.
Keeping his hand firmly over the cuts, he got up and found the first aid kit. Lance then sat down on the toilet and began cleaning his wound before bandaging it. After that, he put his clothes back on and made sure to clean up any traces of blood before returning to bed. This time sleep didn’t elude him as long and he managed to fall asleep before his thoughts could take over again.
Lance hadn’t told anyone what he had done—or attempted to do—and a few weeks later the cuts had healed up. He vowed to himself that he would never do that again and find a better way to cope with the emotions he was feeling. During that time they had liberated a few more planets and a couple of them even threw huge celebrations. The other paladins weren’t too interested, but Lance soaked up the attention, much to his teammates’ disapproval.
One day a mission didn’t go too well and Pidge’s Lion got busted up pretty bad, along with the castle. Lance might have...goofed off a little and ended up blowing their cover. Everyone was pretty mad at him and Lance apologized, but it did nothing to curb their disappointment. Later that day, Lance had gone to the Green Lion’s hangar to apologize again and see if he could help with repairs. But before he turned the corner, he could hear Pidge’s and Hunk’s voices.
“Man, the Green Lion’s busted up pretty bad,” Hunk sighed.
“I know. Don’t worry girl, we’ll get you fixed,” Pidge assured. “If Lance hadn’t been goofing off and blown our cover, this wouldn’t have happened.” That last comment made Lance freeze before he entered. He pressed his back up against the wall and listened.
“You know how Lance is...” Hunk pointed out.
“Of course I do! He’s a complete idiot and thinks everything is one big joke! If he would have taken the mission seriously today then none of this would have happened!” Pidge flared angrily.
“Pidge, don’t you think you’re being too harsh?” Hunk wondered.
“Too harsh? What if someone had been seriously hurt? Or what if this happens again? This is a war for Pete’s sake! Next time more than just my Lion could be hurt.”
“Yeah...I guess you got a point.”
Lance’s heart seized in his chest and tears stung in his eyes. Not you too Hunk. Before anyone could see, Lance turn tail and ran. If you guys didn’t like me that much then why don’t you just say it to my face? Lance ran to his room and locked the door before collapsing into sobs. First Keith, then Shiro, and now Hunk and Pidge. If that’s how Hunk and Pidge felt, there was no doubt in Lance’s mind that that’s how the Alteans felt too. And the worst part was that they were right. If Lance hadn’t been screwing around during the mission, their cover wouldn’t have been blown. Pidge seriously could’ve been hurt and it would have been his fault.
Without thinking, Lance immediately got up and went to his bathroom, searching for the razor blade he had picked out. Before he could undress and climb into the tub, there was an announcement over the intercoms.
“Everyone to the bridge, we’ve got an incoming distress signal,” Allura’s voice ordered. Lance quickly put the blade away and washed his face to rid it of the tears. He checked himself in the mirror and hoped it didn’t look like he had been crying.
Thankfully the distress signal came from some aliens that just needed some parts for repairs. Lance helped Shiro and Allura ferry the parts over before returning to the castle. During dinner that evening, Lance was absorbed in his own thoughts and picked at his food. But then he realized that might seem suspicious and cleaned his plate. He then dumped his dirty dishes in the sink and excused himself.
Night came, where sleep eluded him again, leaving Lance’s mind free for his thoughts to ravage around. He tried really hard to fall asleep, but he tossed and turn and couldn’t seem to get comfortable. Just when he began drifting off, another horrible thought would occur to him and wake him back up.
That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! Lance’s mind cried. He raced to the bathroom with tears in his eyes, locked the door, and found the blade again. He hastily took off his clothes and sat down in the shower. This time he did not hesitate and sliced into his skin of his thighs with ease. Each cut drew his attention further and further from his thoughts. He shuddered at how easy it was; at how good it made him feel. And the best part was that it was just between Lance and Lance. For all of his flirting, he’d never been able to get a girl remotely interested in him, so there was no way anyone was going to find out. Lance was going to make sure of it. That way he could have something of his own, something that he had control over and no one would berate him for it. He knew he should feel ashamed at what he was doing. His mother would cry at the thought and wrap him up in a huge bear hug. But his mother wasn’t here and no one was going to hug him, so Lance cut more and more, relishing in the pain that it brought him. And the next day he would wake up feeling refreshed, with a smile plastered on his face and ready to save the universe.