Work Text:
maybe my love was
a whole moon
and all i needed is its half
◑
"I don't think this is a good idea, Jeno."
Jaemin bites down on his lip nervously as he tugs on Jeno's sleeve. Jeno looks back, slight annoyance evident in his face but he softens immediately when he sees the anxiety creeping onto his soulmate.
"Jaemin, this means a lot to me. They mean a lot. You mean a lot. I don't want my soulmates to not acknowledge each other."
"But–"
"Are you still worrying about not having their names on you?" Jeno asks, holding onto both of Jaemin's shaking hands.
Jaemin blinks and nods once. "You don't know how scary this is. You're casually meeting your soulmates but I'm meeting my soulmate's soulmates."
Jeno threads their fingers together, giving it a light squeeze. "Jaemin, baby. You can still back off. I don't want to force you." He brings their interlaced fingers to his face, pecking Jaemin's knuckles.
"No, I want to be with you. I just–" Jaemin closes his eyes and exhales. "Promise me you'll stay by my side?"
Jeno chuckles. "Where else could I be, sweetheart?"
"Promise me!" Jaemin pouts, swinging their hands harshly. "I don't wanna be alone."
"I, Lee Jeno," Jeno kisses Jaemin's cheek softly. "Promise you, Na Jaemin."
The sweet gesture earns a small smile from Jaemin who finally calms down and they continue their walk to the cafe they were going to meet Jeno's two soulmates. Jaemim has heard of them a lot considering he hasn't seen them at all. Jeno has never been a person who kept secrets and he picked a habit where he would tell Jaemin all about his day even to the most insignificant detail. To others, it seems tacky but Jaemin loves it. He loves how honest Jeno is with him and how comfortable they are together, courtesy of growing up together for years and falling in love with each other's perks and flaws.
Jaemin feels warmth seeping onto him once they step into the cafe. Jeno scans the room and beams a bright smile when he sees them.
Jaemin should've known at that moment.
He should've seen it coming.
He should've realized earlier.
He should've not had any hopes in the first place.
Jaemin wants to squeeze their intertwined hands for more assurance until the warmth leaves him. So does his confidence. His expression falters but he instantly plasters a smile, shrugging the awful bubbling feeling in his lungs. He glances at his empty hand then to Jeno who pulled the two strangers (to Jaemin)–his soulmates into a short hug.
Maybe it was then Jaemin realized that their promises could be broken.
Maybe it was then Jaemin realized that he already lost.
Maybe it was then their soulmate bond was slowly cracking.
"You must be the best friend."
Best friend?
Jaemin glances at Jeno for confirmation and he catches a glimpse of panic in his eyes before it is replaced with nonchalance.
"Best friend, boyfriend, soulmate." Jaemin replies firmly. "I'm Na Jaemin."
"Oh yes! Jeno said that too," The shorter one of the two nudges the sunkissed boy who grins back sheepishly.
"Sorry and hi, Jaemin. I'm Lee Donghyuck," Donghyuck greets.
"Huang Renjun," Jaemin perks up a little and Renjun chuckles. "Yeah, I'm Chinese."
Their introduction lasts fairly short, moving on to sit down. Jaemin takes the seat beside Jeno across from Renjun. Jaemin isn't usually the shyer one with people, that's Jeno but since Jaemin is the stranger between them, he lets Jeno talk to his soulmates.
From their conversation, a part of Jaemin realizes that he isn't meant to be there. With Jeno's soulmates. With Renjun and Donghyuck. With two people who shared his soulmate's name but not his own. There should be no reason for him to worry. Jeno is there with him. He is why Jaemin is there.
Yet why does he feel so far away?
◑
Jaemin bites down on his trembling lower lip, hard. The tears he thought would have run out did not and continues to quietly roll down his cheeks, making them appear glistening due to the sunlight peeking through from the curtains of his hospital room.
A deep yet relieved sigh leaves his mouth as Jaemin leans back on his pillow, shielding his eyes with an arm. He thinks his eyes would look swollen for a while from the amount of crying he did these days. Hopefully, he wouldn't shed any more tears for the same boy.
The boy he gave his whole heart to, that when he turned around and walked away, Jaemin is left with nothing but the shattered pieces of his broken heart.
The soulmate bond between him and Jeno is still strong despite the number of times of pain inflicted on Jaemin. Now that he had broken it off with his soulmate, Jaemin assumed the bond would never break–just not strong enough. He wonders if Jeno is already back to their home to clean up his things.
After all, the apartment belongs to Jaemin.
Jaemin shivers at the sudden thought of going back to their home, or probably his home now. The place has always been empty since Jeno rarely came home but thinking that he had to stay there by himself gives Jaemin a burden of fear.
Will I be able to cope?
Sure, Jaemin is strong. He's so strong, he'll live and make sure his life is much better than the life he had with Jeno by his side. His smile falters a bit, considering the fact that Jeno had been by his side for most of his life. He could barely remember the old days where he wasn't.
Groaning, Jaemin shifts around in his bed uncomfortably.
I can live with it. I can live with this.
I'll be fine, I'll be better.
You're strong. You're stronger than this.
As Jaemin tries to console himself, he hears the door open and he sighs, thinking it was his doctor. Facing back to the entrance, Jaemin sees a much younger man–maybe around his age–definitely not his doctor, standing still with his eyes closed.
If he doesn't know better, Jaemin would have thought the other person seemed heartbroken too.
Jaemin doesn't say anything as he waits for the stranger who literally entered his room to realise the odd situation. Jaemin takes in the sight of the stranger's face, mildly calm and highly attractive with prominent cheekbones and a beauty mark in the middle of his cheek.
That mole reminds me of Jeno.
The moment the stranger flutters his eyes open, Jaemin is quite surprised by the warmth radiating from them. He feels sucked in somehow. The stranger, noticing Jaemin's presence in the room, gasps out loud and abruptly turns around to bump into the closed door.
Jaemin couldn't help the amused chuckle escaping his lips.
"Oh Lord, I'm so sorry, so so sorry. Very, very sorry. I d-didn't know someone was in here, really didn't. Nobody's been here for a while, maybe that's why. I'm so sorry,"
Jaemin waits for the stranger to stop rambling as he tilts his head innocently. The stranger realises how awkward the whole situation is and is about to bolt out the room but freezes once he locks eyes with Jaemin. Something about the other's gaze mesmerizes Jaemin.
"I'm sorry?" The stranger says after a short silence.
The corner of Jaemin's lips curves upwards slightly at the nervous tone. "It's okay, I was just a little surprised."
"Of course, of course you would. I literally got inside without permission, thinking no one was in here and I didn't–"
"Calm down there, buddy. Take a deep breath. It's okay," Jaemin tries to console the stranger who looked like he was hyperventilating. "Here, come and sit down over here."
The stranger gives Jaemin a confused look as Jaemin taps on the stool patiently. He takes a hesitant walk to the side of Jaemin's bed.
"Um, a-are you okay?" the stranger asks carefully, eyes darting over Jaemin's body, taking note of his injuries–a casted arm and some cuts on his pretty face. "Wait–I mean, like are you doing well? What happened to you? If you don't mind me asking, of course."
Jaemin smiles softly, tugging lightly on the other boy's heartstrings with how fragile he looks like–a bitter smile and swollen red eyes. "A car accident,"
"Oh, that's–" Jaemin looks up through his long eyelashes. "Unfortunate. I'm sorry, um…what's your name?"
"You didn't even check the name on the door?"
"Right, well, no. So–?"
"Jaemin. What about you?"
The stranger sighs in relief. "My name's...Mark. Nice to meet you, Jaemin."
"Nice to meet you too, Mark? How old are you? Are you 19? 20?"
Mark rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, "22 actually,"
Jaemin's expression lightens up in surprise. "Mark hyung, then. I'm turning 21 next month,"
"You were born in August? Wait, me too!" Mark beams excitedly, leaning forward in his seat. "Interesting, the next thing we'll know we actually go to the same school."
"Oh, are we that close to revealing where we study now?"
Mark has a small frown at his answer yet nods his head. "Too bad, I thought we had a blooming friendship here."
"Oh," Jaemin raises his eyebrows in mild astonishment. "You're a funny one, aren't you, hyung?"
Mark lets out a shy laugh, looking sideways and Jaemin finds the sight of the older boy cute. "I'm average, at most."
"Okay, average Mark hyung. Mind telling me why you are in the hospital and entering a random room?" Jaemin changes the subject, eyes intently boring into Mark's.
Mark shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "It's...a habit," he replies, eyes wistful as he stares at the window across him.
"Habit?"
"Hm, I used to come to this hospital a lot, you know? Almost every day for a year? And a half. I usually stay in this room, on this seat, looking directly into that exact window."
Jaemin glances at the window then back to Mark who now sports a sad smile. "...Why's that?"
"Someone special to me," Mark exhales. "They used to stay in this room for that long period,"
Jaemin feels a pang of guilt in his heart for many reasons. One because anything related to special reminds him of Jeno and everything of Jeno reminds him of heartbreak. Two because what does Mark mean by used to?
Jaemin chooses his next words carefully, "What happened to...them?"
"They're," Mark smiles again, still sad and solemn. "In a better place."
Jaemin reacts faster than he imagined, instantly reaching out to Mark's hand and squeezes his hand comfortingly. He's a little surprised at how easily he initiates the contact. "I'm sorry,"
"It's okay, I've...gotten used to it, somehow. But sometimes, I can't help missing them and this room," Mark looks around the white room. "This bed and the same view out the window, I've gotten too used to it."
Jaemin chuckles awkwardly as he suddenly thinks of something.
"What?" Mark asks, raising an eyebrow.
"It's just–It's nothing, really." Jaemin tries to shrug it off, waving his hand softly.
"What is it, hm?"
Jaemin bites his lower lip, "Well, I thought if you can't get rid of that habit, you might as well come visit me 'cause I think I have to stay here for a few days and it's...lonely." he casts his eyes down to his fingers before looking back at Mark with shock in his big doe eyes. "Wait, no no, I–um, I was just rambling. Just ignore that–"
"Sure,"
"I know, it's stupid of me. We just met today but–wait, what?"
"I said, sure. If that's what you want, I'll come by tomorrow and until the day you get discharged." Mark replies, smiling softly and Jaemin feels comforted by the look in his eyes.
"But why? I was joking and we're...strangers."
"I know you weren't, Jaemin. I...understand how people in the hospital can get lonely." Mark says, a sad small smile on his face. "We just met today but I'll make sure I come by tomorrow. We can change that strangers title to acquaintances then,"
Jaemin doesn't know why but a part of him feels relieved, content and maybe appreciated. It's not like he's never felt that way but feeling like you're someone's priority lightens up his mood.
Jaemin gives a soft, grateful smile back. "Thank you,"
◑
Jaemin rushes to the door at the sight of a soaked Jeno. "What happened? Did you run back home? In the rain? Didn't you see the weather forecast this morning?" Jaemin scolds, taking everything in Jeno's hands and helping him out of his wet coat.
"Cold!" Jeno shivers, instinctively hugging his body.
Jaemin clicks his tongue worriedly and slaps Jeno's arm lightly. "Look at you!"
"I know, I know. It's my fault, c'mon." Jeno takes slow steps to the bathroom with Jaemin tailing behind him in concern. "I didn't realize how dark it got by the time I finished studying."
"Take off your clothes and shower, now. I'll go get you your towel." Jaemin ushers him inside and disappears to grab Jeno's towel hung behind the door.
"Thanks, babe." Jeno yells as he steps into the shower and runs the water.
Since both of them have been living together for more than a year now, there was little to zero shyness if one enters when someone is using the toilet. They've taken a bath together too many times to care already. So, Jaemin just steps inside and sits on the toilet lid, hugging Jeno's towel to his chest.
It smells like him, Jaemin thinks despite knowing the owner is barely a meter away.
"Why did you come home wet? You could've waited until the rain stopped. You're gonna get sick if you run under the rain like that." Jaemin berates. "Also, I thought you brought your umbrella? I gave it to you this morning? Where did you put it? Don't tell me you lost it?"
Jeno stops the water and peeks his head out from the shower room. "Nana, nag me after this, please. I'm kinda busy." He reaches out a hand.
Jaemin frowns, passing Jeno his towel then crosses his arms against his chest. "Fine but didn't you bring your umbrella?"
"I did. You told me this morning. More than three times, remember?"
"So why didn't you use it?"
"Sorry," Jeno comes out of the shower room with the towel wrapped around his lower area. "I gave it to Renjun and Donghyuck because they live quite far. Plus, it wasn't even a long way back home. I only got wet because I had to wait for the traffic light."
"You were with...them?" Jaemin asks, bottom lip caught under his teeth. "Weren't you studying?"
"I was. Coincidentally, they were at the library too. So, we sat on a table and did our work. Then, we got hungry. So we stopped by to eat tteokbokki." Jeno says as he walks out to his closet to grab dry clothes.
"Tteokbokki? At our place?" Jaemin follows him outside.
Jeno pulls a black hoodie over his torso and raises an eyebrow at his lover. "Yes, that place. I bought you some and hopefully, the rain didn't ruin it. Heat it up first."
Jaemin keeps silent, one hand touching his elbow. "Why?"
"Hm? What did you say?"
It was our special place, so why. Why would you bring them there without me?
"Did you have fun?"
Jeno nods as he finishes cleaning up.
Are you making new memories without me in the picture?
"Good, I don't wanna eat alone. So, come with me and I won't take no for an answer." Jaemin shrugs his thoughts off and pulls Jeno with him to the kitchen.
"Baby," Jeno teases, smiling dumbly when Jaemin looks back and sends him a playful glare. "My clingy baby,"
Jaemin replies by sticking out his tongue and making faces at Jeno. He spots the slightly wet paper box on the table and brings out the takeaway, putting it in the microwave. He contemplates whether he should bring up the umbrella. He doesn't think Jeno knows the history of that particular umbrella and maybe bringing it up will do so.
"Jeno-ya…"
Jeno looks.
"About the umbrella,"
"Ah," Jeno pouts. "I kinda gave it to them without your permission. I even told them to keep it."
Jaemin is thankful he's not facing Jeno because if he did, Jeno would definitely catch the crestfallen look on his face over his answer.
"You don't mind, right? It's only one umbrella. We have tons here."
Of course. Of course, it doesn't matter.
"Nana? Are you upset?"
Oh Jeno.
"No. I was just watching the tteokbokki heat up." Jaemin replies, faking a laugh. "It's going to be spicy, right?"
You do remember that was the umbrella you gifted me on our first date? When it rained and you were worried I would get sick? You forgot, hm?
"Yeah," Jeno grins. "Hyuck had a little trouble with that earlier and his face was so red. It was kind of funny. He didn't want to admit he can't take spicy food but he insisted to stay."
"....Why?"
Jeno blushes, cheeks dusted with a pink hue as he answers shyly. "He said he wants to stay with us and even if he had to eat spicy tteokbokki then be it. He's so cute. He acts so tough but he's just a softie. Kinda like the rest of us, huh?"
Jaemin glances back to send Jeno a small smile. "I guess,"
"He reminded me of you too, you know?" Jaemin's eyebrows furrows. "You were adorable every time you frowned and said you weren't hungry then you would just stare at the food. Remember that time when you wanted to feed me and I didn't want to? So you sulked. Yep, cutest."
"Why do you always remember the dumbest stuff?"
"It's not dumb, okay? It's cute!"
The beeping of the microwave surprises both of them.
"Don't touch it with your bare hands. You'll get burned."
"It's not that hot." Jaemin brings out the container and curses, putting it back. "Ah, it's so hot."
"And what did I say?"
Jaemin makes a face at him and grabs a mitten, quickly bringing it out onto the table.
"Jeno-ya," Jaemin calls. "Next time, invite me too. I wanna eat with you guys."
Jeno's face contorts from confusion into mild surprise then softens. "Alright, baby. Next time."
Next time.
◑
Jaemin stares out at the heavy rain falling down gracefully yet violently against the windows and he has the urge to put out his hand to get a touch of the water. He notices the purple umbrella leaning against the wall which he remembers as his mother's.
"Jaemin, honey. Are you waiting for someone?"
Jaemin snaps out of his thoughts, turning around to see his mother raising her eyebrows curiously. The concern for her only child etched clearly on her face. Jaemin shakes his head lightly.
"Not really," Jaemin replies and his mother comes up to him to pat on his hair comfortingly. "Mom," he whines, knowing well why his mother's expression slightly falters.
"Baby, it's been awhile since I've seen you smile." His mother says as she cups her son's cheeks lovingly. "You know you look best with a smile,"
"I know," Jaemin pouts while his cheeks get squished and lightly pinched. "You tell me that all the time,"
"Because it's true!"
Jaemin's pout turns into a small smile, his heart blooming happily because of his most beloved person.
"Mommy has to leave now, baby. I'm sorry I can't stay too long, hm? There's not enough staff and you know Mommy cannot not help." His mother frowns, caressing Jaemin's cheek fondly, an apologetic smile on her face.
"It's okay, really. I'm a big boy now. You don't need to worry all the time. There's a lot of people here."
"Oh, the more I worry then, baby." His mother pecks both of his cheeks and his forehead. "I'll try to come back as soon as I can, alright? You take your rest and medicine, you hear me?"
Jaemin nods firmly then raises his arm to salute his mother playfully. "Roger that,"
His mother leaves him with a lingering kiss on the crown of his head and an enthusiastic wave. Jaemin's smile immediately fades the moment his mother's footsteps fade away, along with the image of the purple umbrella.
He thinks it's sad that his daily thing to do right after he's left alone is to think about all his life choices, especially the moment he broke off his bond with his soulmate.
Groaning lightly, Jaemin shifts in his bed and face the ceiling. "Is he coming?" He chews on his lower lip, mind instantly recalling the boy from yesterday.
Jaemin knows he shouldn't be hopeful. Yet here he was still hopeful. Hope is a funny thing. He's hoped for a lot of things. He's hoped for a long time. The last time he ever hoped was of his soulmate. To hope they will last forever, like the cringe fairy tales he read when he was younger and hoping for the happy ending he always wished for.
A bitter scoff leaves his mouth.
A happy ending.
Mine was yours but happy endings don't last forever, do they?
Jaemin closes his eyes shut, trying to think of something else that could take his mind off his soulmate. He decides not to hope anymore. Nothing good ever comes from hoping. He's not ready for another letdown. Another heartbreak. His mother always told him he had the biggest heart and how often he wore it on his sleeve. He used to think it of as his strength but now it's even more worthless than a weakness.
While staring at the plain white ceiling, Jaemin doesn't realize how much time passed and how the medicine is starting to kick in, turning him drowsy and falling asleep soon after.
◑
Jaemin stirs awake from the many taps on his arm. He blinks his eyes open sleepily and whines a bit. He registers how dark it is outside judging from the slightly ajar window and the lights in the room turned on. "Huh? What time is it?"
"Psst, Jaemin."
Jaemin turns to his side and jerks back immediately out of shock. "Wha–M-mark hyung?"
Mark giggles, showcasing his pearly row of teeth and Jaemin heaves a deep sigh. "Hi,"
"You shocked me," Jaemin purses his lips as he tries to sit down. "I didn't expect you to come."
Lies. You hoped for him to.
"I promised you I would. I just had some important stuff to do today and it ended so late."
"You...didn't really have to if you were busy. As you can see, I've been sleeping the whole day."
Mark smiles, "That's good. How was your sleep?"
"Um, okay? I guess." Jaemin shrugs. "Wait, isn't it past visiting time?" He checks the time and indeed, it has. "How are you still here?"
"Ah, about that." Mark avoids his eyes. "Um, I was actually here before visiting time ended and I heard from the nurse your mother couldn't come. So, I kind of…" He trails off and Jaemin reaches for his phone, finding out his mother truly can't come as she texted him her flight was pushed back. "Volunteered to?"
"And the nurses are okay with that?"
"I mean, they were quite familiar with me and I'm quite a charmer, I may say." Mark raises both eyebrows and Jaemin chuckles. Mark is slightly enamored by his pretty features smiling being illuminated by the dim light in the room.
Pretty.
"And you're okay with taking care of me for the night? Might I remind you we are kind of still strangers."
"Not for long though," Mark says as he stands up, holding out a hand. Jaemin looks at his outstretched hand then to Mark. "You must be bored staying inside. Let's get you some night air."
Jaemin stares at Mark's hand longer. "...We don't have permission to go out."
"And here I thought I was uptight. Come on, Jaemin. Loosen up, we're taking a breather." Mark holds out his hand in front of Jaemin's face while the younger contemplates, nibbling on his bottom lip. Suddenly, he snaps his head to Mark and the way his eyes shone paired with the dark sky lit by street lights as he agrees will definitely leave an imprint on Mark's mind. "Wise choice, Jaemin. Do you need a wheelchair?"
Jaemin nods. "As long as we don't get caught,"
Unexpectedly, they do not get caught or maybe it was in the way Mark looks experienced in sneaking Jaemin out of his room–like he's done this too many times that he's used to it. Mark swiftly pushes the wheelchair into the elevator after making sure no one saw them. It's not like Jaemin hasn't broken any rules or done something borderline illegal but the thrill of doing something he isn't supposed to excites him.
The breeze that greets him as he's finally out of the confinements of the suffocating building sends him into a fit of euphoria. His eyes automatically land on the beautifully decorated bench in the middle of the rooftop. Flowers adorned the edges of the bench and the small transparent roof atop of it looks cozy enough for people to look at the sky.
Jaemin lifts his head to look at the starry night as Mark pushes him to a stop near the bench. "Wow..."
"It's breathtaking, isn't it?"
"Very,"
"Wanna sit down here?" Mark asks, gesturing to the pretty bench.
Jaemin sheepishly smiles. "If it's not too much trouble, please." Mark shrugs it off as a no and helps the latter move to the bench successfully. Jaemin leans back and tilts his head upwards. The serene atmosphere surrounding the dark clear sky is slowly cheering up Jaemin's sad heart.
"Like it?"
"A lot," Jaemin turns to Mark and for the first time ever since the break up, he gives a genuine, unadulterated, happy smile. "Thank you, hyung. Maybe I needed this night air much more than I thought I would."
Mark is quiet for the first few seconds as he stares at Jaemin's sincere smile. Something about this smile screams precious and he's quite stunned. It's not everyday he gets to see such a beautiful smile that could rival the sun and moon combined. Right now, under the stars and the moonlight, Mark thinks Jaemin shines the best.
"You're welcome, it's a pleasure of mine to ease a little of your pain."
Jaemin flinches but it goes unnoticed by Mark. He only realizes the pain Mark is saying is meant towards his injuries and loneliness at the hospital, not the other pain which is slowly killing him inside.
Jaemin hums, "But I still have to ask though, hyung. It seems that this isn't your first time sneaking out like this?"
"It's not." Mark singsongs. "The hospital room can be suffocating if you stay there all the time. When I found out about this place, it seemed like the perfect spot for fresh air."
The silence that follows after should have been an indicator for one of them to continue the conversation but the calmness of the situation is comfortable and Jaemin finds himself enjoying the silence and the warmth Mark radiates. Mark looks sentimental as he stares at the sky.
"I want to thank them too,"
Mark cocks an eyebrow at Jaemin's sudden statement.
"What do you mean?"
"The person you brought here the first time. I want to thank them,"
Mark cracks a grin at that, resting both arms behind his head, pillowing it as he leans back further. "This is like a healing place. I used to bring them up here away from the white room, away from the machines, away from the smell of medicine and antiseptics. Away from all those."
"So, you get them away from all those to do what? Stargaze?"
"Yeah…" Mark shifts in his seat. "Is it a bad idea? Do you not like stargazing? Should we go back inside?"
"No!" Jaemin exclaims, surprising both of them–Mark because he didn't expect Jaemin to burst and himself because he hears his own hoarse voice. Clearing his throat, Jaemin mumbles a soft no.
"Usually, the both of us would lie down on the ground. We had a blanket and would bring it out when we wanted to stargaze." Mark shares. "Too bad for tonight, huh?"
"Why?"
"There's not much stars,"
"You don't need stars when you have a whole moon there." Jaemin points out, quite amazed by the sight of a full moon.
Mark purses his lips. "I guess so, the moon is bright tonight."
Jaemin giggles out of nowhere as he locks eyes with Mark. "Do you think the moon knows when people are sad? So it can come out and cheer them up by shining the brightest?"
"But what if it's the moon who needs cheering up?" Mark questions. "The moon can't always be available and sometimes, there are obstacles like clouds and rain. What if it's the moon who needs cheering up?"
"Well, the moon can't satisfy everyone, can they?" Jaemin drops his smile, staring blankly at the sky. "They're not that big to share with everyone. That's why only a few can have the moon. Can be with the moon. Can love the moon. And only the moon can make their own choices. The moon has taste."
"Then, your moon's taste must be shit."
Jaemin blinks twice before looking back at Mark in utter disbelief. "Did you– did you just–"
"How can the moon leave out its prettiest star that could even rival the sun?"
Jaemin's expression softens, "The moon can when the brightest stars are already with them."
"The moon is gonna regret it."
"You think so?"
"I know so." Mark shrugs. "It says so in the book of karma."
Jaemin couldn't help but break into a grin at how casually Mark answers him despite knowing nothing of his background and story. This is why they say strangers are the best listeners. Although Jaemin's way of sharing his story is complicated to decipher, Mark replies to him so seriously that Jaemin feels slightly better. It's the way Mark stares back with unwavering eyes, a firm smile and with all his sincerity.
Jaemin doesn't say thank you explicitly but Mark knows he is. Maybe it's the nature of their relationship for now. Just for a little bit, both of them are comforted from their heartbreaks. Even though their status is still strangers, it doesn't feel out of place.
And for the first time in months, Jaemin doesn't feel like the odd one out.
He has Mark with him, even for a period he can't tell how long but for now, he is.
◑
Jaemin sends a weary glance to the nonchalant boy standing by the end of his bed then to the boy currently buried in Jaemin's blanket, crying his heart out.
"Hyung, I'm so sorry, hyung. I'm so sorry for coming here so late. I'm sorry."
Jaemin cooes out loud, hand gently running through the lanky boy's hair. "You don't need to be sorry, Jisungie. There's nothing you can do."
"But there was! I could've done something. I could've told you. I could've asked you. I'm so sorry."
"Jisung-ah." Jaemin frowns.
"He's been like this since the day he found out you were in the hospital. He felt too guilty and he didn't want to visit you with tears and snot but well," Chenle eyes the sniffling boy. "He still is."
Jaemin pats Jisung's back comfortingly. "My little baby, come on. No more crying. I'm fine. Don't you see your hyung is alive and well?"
Jisung sits up straight but doesn't dare meet Jaemin's eyes. "If you're well, you won't be here. Your eyes are all puffy and red. Don't say that you're not hurt."
"Well, I was hurt. I'm healing right now though?" Jaemin moves to pinch Jisung's cheek so that the latter looks at him. Jisung, for once of the many times, doesn't protest and lets Jaemin touch him.
"I'm not talking physically, hyung."
Jaemin freezes from the blunt tone in Jisung's voice and slowly turns to Chenle who sighs, avoiding Jaemin's curious gaze. "How–um, what do you mean?"
"Jaemin hyung," Chenle calls. "We know,"
"I'm sorry, hyung. I don't know what to do. I don't want to pick sides. I love you both but right now, I can't even look at you properly. I don't even want to meet him right now." Jisung sniffles.
"This idiot was supposed to meet up with Je–hyung yesterday but he stood hyung up when he heard about what happened." Chenle explains while Jisung grabs onto Jaemin's pale hand and rubs his knuckles softly. "And I had to drag him here because he was sulking and refusing to."
"Jaemin hyung, are you okay?" Jisung asks, gripping his hand so tight Jaemin winces.
Jaemin gives them a sad smile. It was no use lying to his beloved friends. Jisung and Chenle are still young but both of them were pretty mature for their age and they probably know the implications of Jaemin's situation. They could instantly tell whenever Jaemin tries to lie. It's not like he was ever good at it anyway.
"Not really." Jaemin replies. "I'm recovering but it's an indescribable pain," he squeezes Jisung's hand and reaches out for Chenle's hand while the latter comes closer. "But you shouldn't worry about me. I'm still your hyung. Your Jaemin hyung. He's strong, okay?"
"Even the strongest people can get hurt." Jisung mumbles, pulling Jaemin's hand to his cheek, rubbing it to his face. Jaemin chuckles and indulges him.
"That's right. Even the strongest can feel pain. So, let me go through this, okay? I understand your concern but I'll be fine."
"And if you aren't?" Chenle interrupts, expression solemn.
"If I'm not…" Jaemin trails off, looking back and forth at them then suddenly pulling them both into a hug. "I have both of you with me. I'll be fine, right?"
"Hyung!" Jisung's voice cracks as he hugs tighter.
"Why do you still have to act tough at a time like this?" Chenle's voice comes out muffled from where he's squished against Jaemin's shoulder.
"I'm not." I'm barely holding on here, guys. "I'm trying to move on, okay? I'm learning to accept this right now. It'll be...different. Everything will all be different." Jaemin lets go of them and chuckles when he sees Jisung's red nose and Chenle's sulky pout. "But that doesn't mean you should treat them any worse. The problem lies between the two of us. You don't need to pick sides."
"I'm not talking to Jeno hyung." Jisung grumbles, wiping his snot.
"Jisung." Jaemin frowns.
"Hyung!" Jisung whines in protest.
"You still have to, idiot. You're going to perform with him next month." Chenle clicks his tongue.
"We can do it without talking." Jisung shrugs indifferently.
"No, you can't. Now, promise me." Jaemin holds out his pinky finger while Jisung whines but still links their pinkies together. "Promise me, Jisung-ah. You won't let our problem affect your friendship with him."
"How can I promise you that?" Jisung looks offended and turns to Chenle. "Are you listening to him?"
"Yes, Jisung. I am." Chenle sighs. "But Jaemin hyung is right. This is their problem, not yours."
"But–"
"Promise me?" Jaemin pleads with his droopy big doe eyes. "Please?"
Jisung grumbles and pinky promises Jaemin. "I don't want to keep this promise." Jaemin sends him his ultimate pleading face and adds a trembling frown which makes Jisung groan. "Fine. But I'm doing it for you, hyung."
Jaemin pats his head and if Jisung curses Jeno under his breath, no one says anything to that.
◑
"Knock, knock."
Jaemin tilts his head as he sees the visitor at the door. "You...came?"
"Yep! This time, I bought you fruits!"
Jaemin's gaze lands on the large green fruit Mark is holding. "A fruit, you mean? That's a whole watermelon you have with you."
Mark grins sheepishly. "A tasty, nice big watermelon for the both of us."
"We can't finish that."
"I can,"
"What?"
"I can,"
They have a staring contest all of a sudden and Jaemin loses (to his shock, because he has never had to lose against someone in a staring contest) rather embarrassingly. His cheeks flush light pink as he was caught off guard over Mark cocking an eyebrow as if challenging him.
Mark closes the door behind him and takes a seat beside Jaemin's bed. "To celebrate the summer, we shall eat this majestic watermelon."
"How are you gonna cut that?" Jaemin eyes the large fruit curiously.
"I came prepared, of course!"
"I thought I scared you off the other night," Jaemin blurts out.
"I'm afraid you need more than that to scare me off, Jaemin. I've been through worse." Mark chuckles as if recalling an old memory. "Before that, I'm not overstepping any boundaries, am I? I did come unannounced but that's mostly because I don't have your number."
"I don't want to ask further and no, you're not crossing anything here. I'm okay with it. I actually–" Jaemin fakes a cough. "Enjoy your company."
"I am quite likeable," Mark stands up and pulls the overhead table closer to him. “Well, this is my friend, Timmy. He’s ready to sacrifice himself as your snack, your Highness."
Jaemin giggles at the absurdity. "I can't kill Timmy then,"
"Oops," Mark says as he cuts the watermelon in half. "Already did, don't worry though. He died a peaceful, grateful death. He said it was an honor to be eaten by His Highness Jaemin."
Jaemin shakes his head in amusement. "You're gonna break that table, Mark hyung."
"Nonsense,"
"If it does, I'm blaming it on you."
"It's okay. They won't get mad."
"So you're going to ruin their property?" Jaemin says in disbelief. Mark shuts him up by shoving a piece of cut watermelon to Jaemin's face. Jaemin glares playfully at Mark who only prods the fruit to his lips instead. "Are you asserting your dominance right now?"
Mark scoffs and completely shoves the fruit inside Jaemin's mouth while the latter quietly nibbles on the watermelon.
"It's sweet,"
"Picked by the very best, of course."
"So, do you want my number or what?" Mark chokes on his saliva, taken aback by the sudden question. "What? Don't look at me like that. You didn't exactly make it that subtle."
"If the patient insists," Mark searches his pockets for his phone. "Then this humble being is willing."
"You're funny," Jaemin remarks as he puts in his number. "There, mine."
Mark thanks him then proceeds to cut the rest of the watermelon. "It's best to eat this at a time like this."
"You're very passionate about your watermelons."
"I am! They're like my lifeline."
"I don't think that's how it works. Plus, the doctors are gonna side eye you for that."
"So, watermelons aside. How are you feeling today?"
"Peachy," Jaemin shrugs. "But jittery. My friends visited me today. It was...interesting."
"You look happy,"
Jaemin hums. "I guess I am,"
"That's good. Your smile is too pretty to be wasted on."
Jaemin blushes red from the compliment, stuttering a response and turns his head away. "You're so friendly to a stranger, hyung."
"Aye, I think we passed the strangers point by now. Acquaintances, that's what we are, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. But you didn't need to take your precious time to spend it at a boring hospital with an acquaintance, at that."
"I think we should be friends faster. It sounds so distant when you say it like that." Mark replies. "And it's not boring when you have great company. If my time is precious, then you're even more precious."
Jaemin doesn't say anything to that and Mark only smiles back.
"I was very free by the way. Classes got cancelled and I thought a certain boy might need a serotonin boost."
"Is the watermelon your plan?"
"Impromptu," Mark answers. "But it worked."
"You killed Timmy though,"
◑
To : Jaemin:)
Hey, this is Mark
Please tell me this is Jaemin
To : m🍉
you use caps while texting?
(＠_＠;)
and yes it's jaemin
To : Jaemin:)
That's mean 😔
I don't know how to turn it off
And don't bother to
Anyway, what're you doing now?
To : m🍉
you're mean (*>.<*)
i'm doing nothing rn
it's boring at night
To : Jaemin:)
Then why aren't you asleep?
Children should go to sleep early
To : m🍉
we have ONE year difference
(๑•̀ㅁ•́๑)✧
i'm thinking of something
To : Jaemin:)
The moon is bright tonight
In case you can't see
[attaches pic]
To : m🍉
thank you hyung
p(´⌒｀｡q)
it's pretty
To : Jaemin🌝
It is
There's also a lot more stars today
I wish I could bring you to see them
But it's quite late and I'm far away
Maybe we can count them until you get bored
Does that sound fun?
Maybe not
Jaemin?
I guess you fell asleep
Sleep tight Jaemin
The moon is with you tonight
You know? You remind me of the moon. But I get the feeling you don't want to be compared to it [deleted]
◑
"Baby?"
Jaemin hums as his mother sends him a curious smile. "Yes, my beautiful, lovely mother."
"You're in great spirits today, aren't you?"
Jaemin nods enthusiastically. "It's time to go home. Of course, I'm happy."
Jaemin's mother nears her son and pushes his hair back. "That's my handsome baby. You always look prettier when you smile."
"Do I really?"
"Of course! My baby looks the prettiest. No one can rival your smile." She cooes, squishing Jaemin's cheeks, making him giggle.
"Of course, of course. I got this smile from the prettiest woman in the universe." He grins, hugging her around the waist. She lets out a hearty laugh and squeezes Jaemin.
"Alright, alright. My baby only says pretty words, huh?"
"Only in front of you, hehe."
She clicks her tongue which makes Jaemin giggle. "My baby, do you wanna stay home with me? I could really use some company."
Jaemin understands the meaning behind her words. His mother has always doted on him and him to her. She's been his pillar for forever and he knows she would always want the best for him, so he nods. Maybe some time away from the apartment would let him breathe a little better.
◑
Jaemin spends the next few days at home, enjoying his temporary leave in the presence of his lovely mother. The doctor did tell him to rest for another week, so he makes sure his short vacation (if he can call it that) worthwhile and tries to create happy memories while he's in his safe zone.
Mark texts him every day with simple questions asking if he's eaten and what he was doing and he always, always tells him the moon was bright as a good night greeting. Jaemin thinks it's his way of comforting him when the other barely even knows his story but he appreciates the effort.
They've gone from acquaintances to friends and Jaemin thinks he does like the new status more.
Jaemin thinks his friendship with Mark is by far, the easiest and the fastest one developed in his whole history of making friends–after a certain Lee Jeno, of course, but he doesn't count. Being friends with Mark is fun, nice and overall, simple. He likes the simplicity of their friendship in the meantime.
Jaemin especially loves how Mark makes him appreciate the night view of the sky. Honestly, Jaemin likes the clear blue sky in the morning but as he spends the night chatting with Mark while gazing at the stars that appear every other day, he finds himself falling for them–the stars and the serenity of the dark sky.
It feels nice.
◑
It's the first day Jaemin is back at campus from his leave and he couldn't be more nervous. He gets a foreign feeling once he steps inside. It's the nerves catching onto him, he thinks. He's grateful that he has only two classes for the day, so he can spend more time camping in the library to catch up on the days he was gone.
Jaemin is cautious the whole day because even though he hopes for his heart to finally be at ease and forget, he can't help but imagine if he were to see Jeno. He doesn't know what reaction he should have or how they're supposed to treat each other then. He knows for a fact, Jeno had packed all his stuff and moved them away from the apartment, so Jaemin managed to avoid one obstacle.
A text from Mark comes in as soon as he takes a seat at a corner table in the library. The ding from his phone earned him a glare from the students near him and Jaemin sends them an apologetic smile before turning the volume down.
To : Jaemin🌝
Pssttt
Psssssstttttt
To : m🍉
whaaaaaaaaaaat
(￣︿￣)
i'm in the library!!!!
To : Jaemin🌝
Really?
What a coincidence then
Me too
What are you doing there?
To : m🍉
studying :(
i've been away for some time and now i feel like idk what i'm reading
it's so ᗒᗣᗕ
To : Jaemin🌝
Cute
Good luck with that
Just take deep breaths, read and reread until you understand and take footnotes to help memorize better
Remember to take breaks
To : m🍉
i've taken too much breaks
(p′︵‵。)
help me hyung 🥺
To : Jaemin🌝
Hmm
Should I?
To : m🍉
for me?
🥺
🥺
🥺
To : Jaemin🌝
Look up
And look up, Jaemin does. He's met with a pleasant surprise, a delighted expression paints his pretty features. "Mark hyung?"
"Hi," Mark grins. "Long time no see?"
"Wha–what are you doing here?" Jaemin blinks repeatedly, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks adorably.
"I was having a group discussion over there and right after it ended, I thought of you so I texted you. Guess what? I heard the loud ping and well, here I am."
"You go here too?" Jaemin asks after a short silence, looking dumbfounded.
Mark chuckles. "Yes, yes, I do."
"What when how?"
"Obviously, I applied here. Also," Mark leans down and playfully flicks a finger to Jaemin's forehead. "I'm your senior here,"
"But you–" Jaemin stutters as Mark takes the seat in front of him. "You never told me?"
"You didn't tell me to?"
"Touché."
"Well, since I have nothing better to do, let me do my work here."
Jaemin's cheeks suddenly flare up and he looks down shyly. "Nooooo, don't do this to me. It's embarrassing."
"What? Studying in front of me?"
"I don't know, it just is!"
"Come on, if you manage to finish studying them all, I'm treating you to a meal today."
Jaemin's eyes sparkle at the mention of food and he licks his dry lips unconsciously. "No take backs?"
"No take backs,"
"Yes!" Jaemin breaks into a wide grin and grabs his pen. "I'm gonna study really well, so don't bother me."
Mark only shakes his head in amusement as he goes back to his task at hand, patiently waiting for Jaemin to finish.
When Jaemin ends up finishing in record time and Mark buys him his pricey iced Americano, the latter thinks the smile adorning Jaemin's face is the prettiest when he's happy and belly full and he doesn't mind spending a few notes for it to happen again.
◑
Mark invites him for a spontaneous night in search for the perfect view of the luminous sky and specifically on a rooftop. Jaemin tells him about the rooftop to his apartment, stating that it was as pretty as the one at the hospital.
So there they were, spread on top of Jaemin's old blanket and wearing their warmest jackets as they hugged themselves.
"It's still cold at night although it's practically Summer."
"Hyung, we're like 20 floors above ground. It's supposed to be cold up here."
"I know but are you warm enough? Do you need another blanket?"
"I told you, I'm fine."
"Aren't you easily cold?"
Jaemin gives him a suspicious look. "And how do you know that?"
"You tend to hug yourself and tug on your shirt whenever you are." Mark replies easily. "I pay attention a lot more than you think I do,"
Jaemin smiles at that and nudges Mark's elbow with his. "Then, pay more attention to yourself. You look like you're gonna freeze any time now."
"As long as you're warm, I don't mind."
"Cheesy."
"Ah, I kind of want pizza right now." Mark blurts out of nowhere, earning him a smack on the stomach. "Ouch! Rude much?"
"You said you were going to tell me about the stars tonight,"
"Right, that I did. Okay, prepare your galaxy brain because I'm not stopping for any questions."
"You're a bad teacher,"
"I suck at tutoring, Jaem."
Jaemin rolls his eyes with a little hint of fondness. "How do you even know so much about stars anyway?"
Mark hums in wonder. "Let's see, I had a pretty special someone who loved the stars dearly. They treasured it so much that they bought this thick encyclopedias and would spend days drowning in them. Once they got...sick, they wanted me to know at least a few of the stars he truly loved."
Jaemin softens at his explanation then quickly points to a peculiar pattern of stars. "What's that?"
"That," Mark pauses for dramatic effect. "Is what you call a Big Dipper. You see how it looks like a spoon?"
"You mean a ladle?"
"...Yeah, exactly. It has seven bright stars and actually, it's a part of the Ursa Major which has like a gazillion more stars in there but you can't really see from this distance because the stars won't be as bright. So…"
Mark continues to point out the stars that he confidently knows and tells Jaemin all of the facts about them like he has them memorized in the back of his mind. Jaemin often cuts him in the middle to point out a different one and asks him random questions but Mark answers him each time, his smile never fading throughout the night.
If Jaemin learns more about the stars painted on Mark's face more than the ones in the sky, that's his and his problem only.
◑
"Happy birthday, Nana."
Jaemin smiles sleepily as Jeno gives him a morning peck on his forehead then to his eyelids, his cheeks, his nose and hovers above his lips. Impatiently, Jaemin whines and pouts when Jeno takes too long to kiss him.
"Good morning, birthday boy." Jeno grins widely, blinding Jaemin with how bright his boyfriend is so early in the morning. "Rise and shine, we've got to celebrate the prettiest boy's birthday today."
"But I don't wanna get up!" Jaemin whines, kicking his legs in the air.
"We're visiting your mother and buying a cake."
"A cake is too much, Jen. We won't be able to finish that. Last time, it took us almost three months for your birthday cake."
"I know," Jeno brushes a calloused finger to Jaemin's cheek while the younger nuzzles his head closer. "That's why we're only buying a few pieces. Your favourite,"
"And that is–?"
"Tiramisu, right?"
"Ding ding ding! You are correct and now you get a prize." Jaemin giggles, jutting out his lips and tapping them a few times.
Jeno chuckles and leans in, "No kisses 'til you get ready, sweetheart." then moves away to pull Jaemin up.
"Meanie,"
"Love you too, c'mon."
Jaemin stretches his limbs out, his shirt riding up and showing the slightest bronze of skin on his stomach, making Jeno's breath hitch which he ignores. "Pick me up?"
"The birthday boy is already asking for things this early, huh?"
Jaemin scoffs, "If his boyfriend didn't keep him up all night, he would probably be more energized than this."
"And whose fault was that?"
"Yours, though?" Jaemin sticks out his tongue.
"You baby,"
"Your baby," Jaemin giggles, making grabby hands at Jeno and who would Jeno be to ignore his adorable boyfriend.
"Okay, up you go. Up, up." Jeno finally picks him up in bridal style and Jaemin clings onto him like a leech, squealing happily. "You're really taking advantage of me,"
"Let these muscles work out a little bit, hm?" Jaemin swings his legs around and when Jeno rolls his eyes purely fond of his lover, Jaemin steals a kiss on his lips. "Yes!"
"Na Jaemin, you–"
"Whatcha gonna do?"
"We do have some time right now,"
"Wait, no–"
"Yes,"
"Jeno, nooooooo–Yah!"
◑
Usually, Jaemin would spend his birthday moderately. Get a few birthday wishes, buy anything he wants, video call his mother and spend the rest of the day with his best friend slash soulmate. He realizes how his 21st birthday would be spent without his best friend of years and it leaves a dent in his heart.
No matter how pissed off he was at Jeno still, they shared a lot of memories–sweet, precious memories. Some of them had his best birthdays. He doesn't think this year's would be a pleasant birthday compared to the past ones but hopefully, one he'll be content with at least.
Around a week ago, it was Mark's birthday but Jaemin didn't get to see the older one until one hour before midnight. He didn't even know it was Mark's birthday until Mark told him. Apparently, Mark spent the day with his friends and mostly seniors from the pictures Mark showed him the night he appeared in front of Jaemin's apartment.
Contrary to their usual rooftop hangouts (Dates?), they spent the night snacking on whatever is in Jaemin's fridge and Jaemin himself is surprised that he let Mark inside his apartment. Ever since the other owner of the apartment left, it had always been Jaemin himself. So, having someone else with him in there feels different.
"Happy birthday, hyung. Sorry for the late wish and no gifts and no proper celebration." Jaemin frowns as he trails off.
"Why are you sorry? I like doing this more than being at parties although it was pretty fun earlier. I just thought–"
"Thought–?" Jaemin tilts his head curiously.
"I...I thought it'll be fun to spend the last hour of my birthday with you."
Jaemin is stunned from the sudden confession, cheeks warming up from Mark's warm words. The two don't say anything else for the rest of the night as they sit side by side and shoulders touching. It's not an unwelcome silence but rather a comforting one. Mark leaves that night with a brief hug and they go to sleep wondering of something more.
His 21st birthday is like any other day but he has Jisung and Chenle greeting him at 12am sharp. The two sing him a birthday song and tell Jaemin to make his wishes through a phone call. Jaemin hangs up when they start to bicker and he goes straight to thanking his mother for birthing him and raising him up.
His 21st birthday isn't like any other day because unlike his past birthdays, he doesn't get a good morning kiss or a birthday wish as soon as he wakes up. He doesn't get mindblowing sex the night before or what. So, he just resorts to staring at his phone in hopes a certain person would wish him a happy birthday instead. It's a selfish thought but his selfish heart wants it.
His 21st birthday isn't like any other day because he's at the rooftop of his apartment, sitting quietly on a blanket while he has another thick blanket over his shoulders as Mark prepares their fancy dinner consisting of pizza, chicken and beer. Jaemin isn't particularly a fan of beer or any other alcoholic drink but he doesn't have the heart to say no to Mark who came at his door, hands full of food and a sparkle in his eyes as he sets up their usual stargazing place.
His 21st birthday is a little bit special this time around, spending it unlike all his other birthdays.
"I didn't get you a cake because I didn't know if you'd like one but I did get you chicken on top of pizza?" Mark chuckles nervously as he shows his masterpiece of a drumstick on a slice of pizza.
"It's perfect."
"Make your wish,"
If it was any other situation, Jaemin would have laughed and teased Mark for a week straight but he's smiling softly instead, appreciating the small fancy-like dinner he prepared specially for him. So, Jaemin closes his eyes, says his wishes in his mind and blows an imaginary candle.
Mark claps and Jaemin follows up, both of them pausing then roaring in laughter together. "That was ridiculous. You deserve better,"
"What do you mean? This is the coolest thing ever." Jaemin beams, extremely overjoyed as he digs in.
"You could've gotten a much more nicer birthday party and then–" Jaemin shoves a piece of chicken to Mark's mouth, completely shutting him up.
"I love this party, okay? It's nothing like I imagined but it's perfect."
True, Jaemin would never imagine himself having a birthday party on a rooftop with someone he only got to know a mere two and a half months prior and enjoying the dark sky as the night is close to end. It wasn't anything Jaemin would think of but it's something he would have dreamt of. For the first time in months, Jaemin feels loved even if it's platonic. He likes the feeling of being prioritised.
For that, he's grateful to Mark for celebrating his birthday and not making him look like a complete fool and lonely
Along with that, Jaemin doesn't realise the brief text of a birthday wish from someone he had been unconsciously thinking for the whole day.
◑
Jaemin stirs awake from the taps on his arm and groans, still feeling tired so he turns around, ignoring whatever is bothering his sleep so early. Then, he vaguely registers the warmth hovering above him until he feels wet, loud smooches on his cheek and hair tickling his neck.
"What the–"
"Wakey, wakey, Nana."
Jaemin groans and shoves his boyfriend away as he snuggles closer to his blanket. He knows it was still too early to wake up and knowing Jeno, it definitely was.
"C'mon, baby." Jeno peppers kisses down Jaemin's neck, making the younger squirm under him.
Jaemin giggles from being ticklish and finally opens his eyes. "You should have a decent, concrete reason for waking me up right now, Lee Jeno."
Jeno nods enthusiastically, like the Samoyed dog Jaemin loves. Maybe they'll get one in the future.
"How did you even get in here?" Jaemin flips around and wraps an arm over Jeno's waist, resting his chin on Jeno's chest. Jaemin likes the small, quiet moments like this best. It shows him what the rest of his days with Jeno would be like.
Jeno combs Jaemin's unruly hair back and chuckles at the few tufts getting stuck. "C'mon. Wash your face and brush your teeth. I'm inviting you to an adventure."
Jaemin scoffs. "Do you think you're Aladdin? It's currently," He checks the time on his phone. "Oh God, it's too early for this. 4am, Jeno? I need more sleep."
"Aw, Nana." Jeno cups his cheeks and squishes them playfully. "Come on, come on. come on. It won't be that long and we'll have the best date ever!"
"My best date is us sleeping in together."
"Jaemin," Jeno whines, shaking Jaemin's arm lightly. "We're gonna miss it if we don't leave soon."
"Tell me where we're going and I'll think."
"To see the moon say goodbye."
"Are you crazy?!"
"For you, yeah."
Jaemin grunts as he punches the air. "You're so infuriating."
"C'mon. We won't be long. I promise," Jeno looks at him with puppy eyes, knowing that it's his strength against Jaemin's weak heart.
Jaemin's glare softens and he rolls his eyes almost fondly. "This better be the best date ever. You're literally dragging me out at 4am."
"Every date with you is the best. What are you talking about?" Jeno grumbles, opening Jaemin's wardrobe. "Babe, do you have that white hoodie?"
"What do you want with it?" Jaemin asks as he takes over in searching for the said hoodie. Once he finds it, he passes to Jeno who grins back at him. "What?"
"Wear this," Jeno pulls the hoodie onto Jaemin's head while he's still confused. "Yep,"
"What?"
"You look pretty in white."
Jaemin, still quite drowsy, lightly shoves Jeno away as a pink hue decorates his cheek. Be damned, Lee Jeno for having the power to make people blush over something so small at ass o' clock. He wears the hoodie properly and grabs a denim jacket for himself and another hoodie for Jeno.
They sneak out of Jaemin's home discreetly, hand in hand and blankets in hand.
"I'm hungry," Jaemin mumbles ten minutes into their journey. "You brought me out at this time, so you're responsible for it."
"Baby."
"Don't baby me."
"I was teasing you. You baby."
Jaemin groans, smacking Jeno's back while the latter yelps in pain. "Fine, fine. We're stopping by for food, I guess. McDonald's?"
"Yes," Jaemin replies, closing his eyes shortly and Jeno smiles, completely endeared to how adorable Jaemin is when sleepy.
They stop somewhere in the vast area of the small hill and Jaemin gasps softly, taking in the beautiful sight of the city from up there. It was still minutes before dusk and the view was already amazing.
"Pretty,"
"Indeed,"
"Stop staring at me, dimwit." Jaemin clicks his tongue, sending a playful glare Jeno's way.
Jeno smiles, crescent-eyed as he grabs Jaemin's hand and makes them sit down on the grass. "Since we're both pretty cold, this seems like a good idea." Jeno says, putting his arms around Jaemin so that his chest meets Jaemin's broad back and then he wraps the blanket around them.
"You're just taking advantage of the situation."
"I'm glad you noticed."
Jaemin shakes his head in amusement, tugging on Jeno's hands which were resting on his stomach to stuff their intertwined hands in his jacket's pocket. "This is warmer."
Jeno leans his head on Jaemin's temple. "Very,"
A small comforting silence falls between them as they stare out at the dark sky slowly turning bright.
"Did you really bring me here to watch the sunrise?"
"Yes," Jeno knocks their heads together lightly. "Don't go falling asleep on me, okay?"
"And if I do?"
"I'll kiss you,"
Jaemin elbows him in the ribs, earning a yelp. "Like you've never done that, huh?"
"Shh," Jeno shushes him with a short peck to his cheek. "Enjoy."
Jaemin turns his head and presses a big fat kiss on Jeno's cheek. They look at each other for a split second before leaning in and sharing a slow, loving kiss. They break apart, pressing their foreheads together.
"I love you,"
"I love you, too."
"This was sweet. Sorry I complained earlier."
"I woke you up too early. Sorry for that."
Jaemin goes back to his original position and tugs the blanket tighter. "Let's do this again."
"Again?" Jeno asks in disbelief. "After you almost tried to disown me?"
Jaemin pinches Jeno's hand in his hold. "I mean it. Like maybe in a few years from now. Not next month, I'll disown you for real then. But someday in the future. Together."
"Someday, sure."
◑
Mark and Jaemin's spontaneous stargazing nights (Dates? Is it safe to call it dates? Friendly dates?) ends up repeating more than once and has become a weekend night routine. Mark would come over and spend hours with Jaemin on the rooftop, just staring at the sky whether it was filled with glittering stars or clouded with thick clouds.
Jaemin doesn't have a lot of friends so spending time with Mark is a lot of fun and he loves the fact that Mark indulges any stupid things he comes up with. Like, buying a human-sized teddy bear or trying to count the stars in the sky or visiting the zoo to stare at rabbits.
It feels overwhelming on Jaemin's side. He's just broken up with his soulmate and when he thought he would be spending his days in despair and sorrowness, yet he feels the happiest he's ever been in months just by talking to Mark.
Without realizing, Jaemin has made Mark a part of his life and daily routine. It scares him to the core once he finally acknowledges this part. He knows Mark is kind and they've clearly created a special bond between them after countless nights on the rooftop but a part of him is telling him how everything about their friendship is wrong–that Jaemin is using Mark as a rebound, as a way to move on from Jeno, as a second option. He doesn't want to be the kind of person who uses others for his own privilege.
It's not like him.
So, Jaemin does what he thinks it's best for the time being. A thing he's done too many times. A thing he knows isn't the best way but it's what he thinks he needs to do, for now at least. Until he makes sure of his feelings and that he's being genuine to a person like Mark who's willing to befriend his pathetic self at his worst time.
Jaemin avoids him.
Practically, not entirely. He still replies to Mark's texts but he refuses to go out and meet with him and he cancels their latest stargazing date (Is it considered a date?) by making up an excuse about a group discussion. Fortunately Mark buys the excuse.
Jaemin doesn't realize the time he has spent with Mark has been a little over two months nor did he notice how much time they have spent together. It feels like the empty void in his heart is being filled little by little with an energy drink called Mark Lee and he's slowly getting addicted to it.
Maybe Jaemin really isn't keeping track of time because the next thing he knows, Jisung is spamming him messages, asking where he is. Jaemin has half a mind to check the date before getting reminded of Jisung's big day. The competition. The one he's participating with Jeno.
He hasn't seen Jeno in a span of two months and a week. It doesn't feel that long but he can still remember every slope and dip of Jeno's features. Sometimes when he's left alone at the wee hours, he thinks of Jeno. Not in the way he still wants him but in the way that Jeno has left a deep mark on him which would be hard to scrub off.
Jaemin can barely imagine if he were to meet him again after their break up but he was most definitely going to see his ex boyfriend's handsome face whether he likes it or not. He is performing with Jisung.
Jisung gives him a first row ticket beside Chenle and Jaemin made sure both of them bought a bouquet each to give it to him at the end of the competition. They can tell the competition means a lot to Jisung and his hard work and constant practices for the past weeks will finally be paid off.
Jisung begs to see them both before he performs so they sneak out to the backstage and give Jisung a good luck hug. Chenle gives him a good luck kiss which Jaemin tries to act nonchalant at. He wasn't entirely good at pretending to not know but his lying skills have improved drastically.
A thought slips from his mind while he was worried over Jisung and that thought comes in the form of a familiar personas he sees him approach Jisung.
"Let's practice a little bit."
Jisung nods curtly at Jeno then glances wearily at Jaemin who stares back blankly. Jeno notices his soulmate and the look of recognition in his eyes hurt Jaemin more than he thought it would.
"Jaemin,"
Jaemin turns to look at Jeno, eyes unchanging and cold.
"I-I didn't think you'd come."
Jaemin sighs and avoids his eyes. "Jisung,"
"How have you...been doing? You still look–" Pretty.
Jaemin shrugs his shoulders, nodding nonchalantly. He didn't really want to answer him.
"Well, I have to–"
"Good luck," Jaemin mumbles as he walks away without looking back. Jisung side eyes his partner in distaste while Chenle panics and wishes Jisung good luck and kisses his cheek for extra luck. Jeno bites his lower lip as he watches Jaemin leave with Chenle in tow, waving enthusiastically at Jisung.
"Do your best," Jisung utters lazily.
"Uh? Yeah, you too, Jisung. We'll definitely win this."
"Also,"
Jeno looks at Jisung who's frowning and he can't help but feel a little intimidated by his seriousness, one he's not familiar with unless they were practicing. "Yes?"
"It took him a lot of courage to even come here. Don't make things worse."
If Jeno says his words didn't hurt, he would be lying but under those words, he knows the one hurt the most would be his precious soulmate.
◑
"What do you think you'll be when you grow up?"
Jeno glances to his side to see Jaemin looking back at him the most seriously he's ever seen. "Suddenly?"
"I was just thinking of the future and what we'd be and what would possibly go on. What we probably would have achieved then."
Jeno reaches out for Jaemin's hand and brings it to his lips, pressing a long kiss to his knuckles then holds it close to his left chest. "Honestly? I don't know, Nana."
"The future is scary, huh?"
"If you think that way, it is. But you know what? I can think of a lot of possibilities that would happen. Us going to college together. Us going to college, separately. Us not going to college at all. Maybe one of us will and the other not?
Either we learn what we want or what we're supposed to. You probably would want to learn a whole lot of things, no? You said you wanted to try cooking, psychology and what–"
"Medical,"
Jeno nods, squeezing Jaemin's hand.
"And I–I don't know, really? I just wish I would be doing whatever I love by then."
"Dancing?"
Jeno sighs. "Will I be a disappointment if I want to learn that? It's not really the stablest job or what. But it makes me happy."
"Of course not! I'll be your biggest fan and supporting you all the way. Like you deserve to. Because you, Lee Jeno, are not a disappointment."
"What did I do to deserve you?"
Jaemin only smiles back and drapes an arm around Jeno's waist, resting his head against his sides.
"A whole lot. As long as you love me, you will still have me."
"I don't think there'll be a time I won't."
"And if there is?"
"There won't." Jeno deadpans. "I don't think I'm capable of doing that."
"You're such a sap," Jaemin mumbles, cheeks blushing red from Jeno's sincerity.
"Only for you,"
◑
Things would be so much easier.
Jaemin thinks the root of all his problems is himself. If he was a little braver, a little upfront, a little authoritative, he wouldn't have lost himself in the past few months. He wouldn't have to hurt as much as he did.
Yet things end up that way in the end.
It feels surreal when he sees Jeno perform upstage. There is such a big stage but somehow along the way, Jaemin's eyes are locked on him and him only. He wanted to keep his eyes on Jisung but they betray him by following the fluid, smooth yet sharp steps of what was once his everything. His very own person. His best friend. His soulmate.
Jaemin knows how much the stage means to Jeno. It was a way for him to prove himself that he was capable. Capable of showing off his hard work and to step closer to his dreams. It was one of the reasons why Jaemin loves him. Jaemin may have learned his capability in the hard way though. Jeno would always be capable, whether with him or without. It doesn't matter.
Jaemin doesn't matter.
It feels even more surreal when they announce the winners and the two step up as first place winners. Chenle's screams confirm, in fact, that they did win. Jaemin couldn't be more prouder than he already is. Everything after the winner announcement passes in a blink when Jaemin is dragged by an overjoyed Chenle backstage.
Jisung is engulfed in a tight hug by Chenle who keeps on bouncing on his feet as the latter squeals words of congratulations. Jisung seems annoyed by Chenle but the fond smile says otherwise. Jisung beckons Jaemin over while Jaemin pulls both boys into his arms and gives them the warmest hug.
"Congratulations, our Jisungie." Jaemin smiles, pressing a kiss to Jisung's hair. "You deserved that,"
"Thank you, hyung." Jisung whispers. "For everything."
"Okay, okay. Take pictures. Let's take pictures. Wait–the flowers! Oh my God, how can we forget the flowers?" Chenle rambles and shoves the bouquet to Jisung's chest. "My soulmate killed that stage! You shined!"
Both Jisung and Jaemin cackle at Chenle's antics while Jaemin passes Jisung his flowers. "Chenle's right. You shined the brightest up there. I couldn't see anyone but you."
Jisung cocks an eyebrow at that, lips turning into a lopsided smile as if he knew. "Of course! Where else would you look?"
Jaemin is grateful Jisung is acting normal and although borderline cocky and arrogant, he knows it's Jisung's way to avoid the subject–in this case, Jeno. For all the years they've spent together with Jisung, the younger knows exactly how their relationship is. How Jaemin doted on Jeno and vice versa. How Jaemin looks at Jeno like he's the moon. How in a room full of people, Jeno carries the spotlight for him.
"Hyung, pictures. We need pictures, Jisung." Chenle links his arms with Jisung while the other complains he was still sweaty. Jaemin smiles and brings out his phone to capture the sweet moments of the bickering soulmates.
"C'mon, guys. Behave. We need a decent picture." Jaemin says and instantly, the two stop arguing and throw in their business smiles. A hearty laugh leaves Jaemin's lips as he snaps the next few pictures. "Cuties,"
"Alright, your turn!" Chenle beams and takes Jaemin's phone in turn. Once done, Chenle ponders with the phone. "I want a picture with the three of us."
"Let's just take it ourselves." Jisung suggests while Chenle shakes his head.
"Let me find someone."
A loud squeal and boisterous laughter catches their attention and the three turn to the source of noise. Jaemin's heart aches at the sight of what should have been him and Jeno but instead his soulmate and his two soulmates.
I could've been there.
That would be me if I held on a little longer.
Probably? If he doesn't forget to tell me.
Jisung, noticing how Jaemin's bright expression earlier falters and is replaced by a small frown, looks frantically at Chenle, as if asking for help. Chenle clears his throat and swings his arms around Jaemin and Jisung, trying to make them look away.
Before Jaemin could ask what Chenle was doing, someone bumps into his shoulder and he winces in pain.
"Oops! Sorry, sorry. Didn't see you there– Jaemin?"
Jaemin blinks a few times, processing the image in front of him. "Mark hyung? Wha–What are you doing here?"
Mark looks pleasurably surprised as he does a quick scan of Jaemin. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"Of course not!" Jaemin waves him off, a little shy over the attention. "But why are you...here?"
"Rude," Mark clicks his tongue then grins a second later. "I'm part of the management team. Long story but you?"
Jaemin turns to Jisung and drapes an arm around his shoulder. "For this baby here."
"Hyung!" Jisung whines in distaste.
"I didn't know you were friends with each other," Mark says.
"Y-yeah." Jisung raises his eyebrows at Mark. "How does Mark hyung know Jaemin hyung…?"
"So you must be Chenle, then?" Mark looks at Chenle who's quietly staring at the scene in front of him. Chenle nods, still quite confused. "Oh and um, we're kind of friends."
"Friends?" Chenle interrupts, squinting his eyes at them.
"Yes," Jaemin insists, gritting his teeth. "Friends, Chenle."
Chenle makes a face at Jaemin then clings onto Mark next. "Are you free right now, hyung? Since you know us already, can we trouble you to take a picture of us?"
"Chenle!" Jaemin hisses the same time Mark nods with a sure. "Hyung, no. We're just bothering you, aren't we?"
"Nonsense," Mark replies, smiling kindly as he takes the phone in Chenle's hand–which he recognizes is Jaemin's and pats exactly twice on Jaemin's head. "C'mon, gather up. I'll take it for you."
Jaemin meets both Jisung and Chenle's curious gaze and blushes red in embarrassment and something else he can't pinpoint but he ignores the red hue on his face as he pulls the two into a nice pose.
"Jaemin-ah, smile more!" Mark exclaims. "And look over here,"
"I am!" Jaemin protests, face burning from the knowing looks of his younger friends. "I am," he grumbles, cooling down from his blush.
"Here!" Mark holds out the phone to Jaemin once he's done even with Chenle reaching out for it. Jaemin accepts it with a small smile before glaring daggers at Chenle who's been making extremely teasing faces.
"Oh, right. Congratulations, Jisung. You worked hard for this." Mark congratulates. "You too, Jeno!"
Jaemin's heart skips a beat when Mark mentions Jeno because what are the odds for Mark to know Jeno? He sees in the corner of his eye that Jeno acknowledges Mark's shout and in that moment, they accidentally lock eyes.
Somehow, Jeno doesn't take his gaze off Jaemin and so does he. Jaemin doesn't know why he can't when he knows best what a simple look would do to him.
The next thing they know, they're walking together in a whole group to get dinner to celebrate Jeno and Jisung's win.
Renjun notices how quiet Jeno is on their way to what they collectively agree on–McDonald's. He nudges Jeno's elbow and the other albeit distracted just smiles back at Renjun.
"You're kinda out of it."
"I know, I just–" Jeno sighs.
"It's been a few months. Have you talked to him at all?" Renjun whispers. "Even Hyuck is starting to worry, you know? Worried Hyuck isn't the best thing."
"I know, I just–" Jeno sighs again.
"Try to talk to him. I know you have some things to say. Just don't be so hard on him. He looked like a ghost when you stared at him earlier."
"It was obvious?"
Renjun nods. "Very,"
"It's so– frustrating. I'm trying but I don't know and he looks hurt even when I try to talk to him."
"But you have a few people to go through to get to him." Renjun snickers.
"Jisung keeps on glaring at me. Do you see that?" Renjun hums while Jeno frowns. "Also Chenle's been giving me dirty looks ever since he saw me. And Mark hyung, he– when did they even know each other?"
Renjun shrugs his shoulders and gives a comforting squeeze to Jeno's back. "Good luck, Jen."
McDonald's, huh? Jeno snorts, shaking his head as a random memory of a pretty boy in his arms and a breathtaking view of the city at dusk passes through his mind. I don't like it here.
Once they found a table fitting for all seven of them inside, they made themselves comfortable in their seats with Donghyuck sitting in between Renjun and Jeno while Jisung sits across Jeno, sending him a small glare which Jeno ignored and Chenle between his soulmate and Jaemin. Mark takes a random chair so he sits in the middle of Jaemin and Renjun. They play a game to determine who orders their food. Unfortunately or luckily for them, Mark and Jaemin were the ones who lost so the two took their orders.
While walking to the counter, Mark cracks a stupid joke and Jaemin despite laughing over the silly joke, nudges him with his hips lightheartedly. Mark elbows him back and then Jaemin links their arms together as the older leans in to whisper some more of his corny jokes.
The bright grin adorning Jaemin's face and his unique laugh manage to catch all of their friends' attention, slightly amazed because they haven't seen Jaemin that happy since ever.
Or maybe since Jaemin lost his soulmate.
Whoever sees the scene would probably think Jaemin and Mark are soulmates and Jeno feels guilty deep inside, knowing he doesn't deserve to feel this sudden rage creeping onto him as he watches Mark, out of nowhere, caresses a finger to Jaemin's cheek.
"So, what do you think they actually are?" Chenle whispers to Jisung but everyone hears his words loud and clear anyway.
Jisung puffs out his cheeks. "Jaem hyung said they're friends, Lele-ya. Don't assume things. If anything, he would tell us because he loves us."
Chenle rolls his eyes at Jisung and tugs him close. "C'mon. Just look at them."
At that moment as their attention is on the two at the counter, they see Mark sliding an arm around Jaemin's waist while the latter inches closer to him. Jisung gasps, jolting towards Chenle and pointing discreetly at them.
"Did he–did I see, right?"
"I told you, didn't I?" Chenle hisses, crossing his arms against his chest. Jisung makes some weird gestures which probably only Chenle understands. Donghyuck frowns as his eyes go from the duo to Jeno who has an unreadable expression.
"That doesn't mean anything." Donghyuck interrupts, perching his chin on his palm. "They could be just really good friends."
"For now," Chenle shrugs.
"Chenle-ya!" Jisung tries to cover Chenle's mouth even though he's a few beats late and Chenle doesn't even struggle from his hold. "Keep quiet,"
"Since when?" Jeno turns and stares right into Jisung's eyes so suddenly that Jisung is caught off guard. "Since when were they friends?"
Jisung would have scoffed right then, right there but all of their eyes are on him and he notices the tinge of coldness in Jeno's voice for the first time since they've known each other. What could possibly make Jeno so mad he doesn't sound like himself?
Jisung sees Jaemin giggling in his peripheral vision and it finally dawns on him why.
"Been a while. Jaem hyung didn't tell exactly when but around the time you broke him." Jisung replies, pursing his lips into a straight line.
Renjun nudges Donghyuck to step in while Chenle pinches Jisung's side to make him stop because Jeno's jaw is clenched so tight and he's worried for Jisung's condition if something were to happen.
"We're here to eat peacefully, aren't we?" Donghyuck smiles.
"Peacefully, my ass." Chenle mumbles under his breath.
Jeno knows how wrong these feelings are but the lingering question in his mind after seeing the intimacy between Mark and Jaemin bothers him the rest of the dinner because Jaemin does look happy with Mark now than the last time Jeno saw him happy–he can't recall when.
The rest of the dinner isn't exactly the most ideal considering the tension between the two exes yet no one says a thing about it, proceeding to eat in between small chatter. It's a whole table yet it's separated into three with Jisung and Chenle in their own world, Mark and Jaemin sharing hushed whispers and Renjun and Donghyuck trying to comfort Jeno from being upset. With what? They don't know but at least seeing a smile from the moon eyed boy is much better.
Jeno can't help but wonder. Since when did everything go wrong? And why did he let it be so?
◑
Just as they finish their meal and pay, Jeno grabs Jaemin's wrist after making sure everyone was occupied with something. Jaemin looks puzzled, especially from Jeno's hand on his wrist. True, they are still considered soulmates but he didn't think the electrifying touch remained after they supposedly broke their bond.
"I need to talk to you,"
Jaemin stares at him in confusion, trying to read Jeno. It's been two whole months ever since they've spoken to each other (minus the short conversation before the competition) and usually, it's supposed to be awkward but maybe their bond is stronger than they thought that even the silence is quite comforting.
They were best friends before soulmates.
"Jaemin-ah?"
Mark's voice snaps the two of them out of their trance. Mark eyes their close distance, gaze landing on Jeno's hand on Jaemin's and he raises an eyebrow.
"You're headed home, right? I can send you off," Mark offers as he meets Jeno's glare. He doesn't back down but instead hardens his gaze.
Jaemin looks at Mark then to Jeno and sighs. "It's okay, hyung. I'm gonna be with...Jeno for a while but I'll get home safely. Don't worry,"
"Usually, I would tell you to bring him home but I don't think that option exists right now," Mark says, completely directed at Jeno before turning to Jaemin and visibly softens. "Text me when you reach home."
Jaemin nods, waving goodbye to Mark.
"Come on," Jeno mumbles and in that moment, holds Jaemin's hand while he pulls them farther away until they reach a small neighbourhood playground. Jaemin doesn't struggle. They stop right before the swings.
Before his brain goes haywire, Jaemin yanks his hand away almost in disgust yet his face remains blank as he takes a seat on a swing. Jeno follows. Nobody says anything for the first few minutes. They enjoy the quiet, cold breeze of the night as they slowly start swinging back and forth.
"This reminds me when we were younger,"
Jaemin squints his eyes in annoyance, his feet that hung above the ground start swinging unconsciously.
"Remember when we used to hangout at the playground near home?"
Silent.
"We would play for so long until our mom's would yell at us to go back home. I remember enjoying playing hide and seek at the time and we even chased each other at the bridge. We were quite...childish, huh?"
"Those were nice memories. Also, congrats for earlier."
Jeno heaves a deep, relieved sigh. "I thought you weren't going to talk to me again."
How could I?
"I think you're mistaking something here. I may be the one who broke it off but you're the one who broke me." Jaemin replies coldly. "I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now."
I can't possibly still love you, after all that.
Jeno inhales sharply. "You're...not wrong."
"Cut to the chase already. Why are we here?"
Jeno stays quiet for a few seconds. "Don't you miss it?"
"Miss what? Our past or our relationship?"
Jeno is taken aback again at Jaemin's blunt words. He never took his soulmate to be the outspoken type, this Jaemin is very different to the Jaemin he grew up with. He parts his lips but nothing comes out so Jaemin replies.
"Honestly? No to both." Jaemin gives an indifferent shrug, expression blank.
A little part of Jeno's heart cracks at his small action. He doesn't think Jaemin realizes what he's doing. Jeno sucks in a breath, nodding slowly. "So...um, are you and Mark hyung...together?"
"What do you mean?" Jaemin furrows his eyebrows, confused.
"Wait, I don't mean this in a bad way, Nana. It's just– We broke up not long ago and if you're using him as a rebound, that's...not it. It's not you to hurt others. I don't want you to be hurt anymore."
The hard gaze Jaemin has instantly disappears, replaced with something akin to pain and Jeno catches the expression, trying to take back his words but Jaemin bites the inside of his cheek, words spilling out of his mouth.
A rebound…?
"Is that what you think of me? Do you really think of me that low?" Jaemin creaks, eyes welling up in tears and he frowns. "Do you really think I would make someone a rebound? Tell me, Jeno. Is that really where you see me?"
"I didn't mean it like that, Nana."
An offended scoff leaves Jaemin, his chest heaving as he feels anger coursing through his veins.
"Why do you care, Jeno? Why do you fucking care?" Jaemin seethes as he stops swinging. "This is unfair. Because I'm trying to move on from your ass, you think I would make my friend as a rebound, is that it? What have I done so wrong for you to meddle in who I'm friends with and what relationship I have, huh? You had the privilege to ask when we were together and in love but now? You don't have any right to be asking that! You're in no position to do that."
"Nana, I–"
"Stop calling me that!" Jaemin yells frustratedly. "Honestly, Jeno. What do you want from me? It wasn't enough for you to slowly break me apart and make me lose myself? Was it? Why are you so goddamn concerned over a friendship when we're over? Are you jealous, huh? Are you seriously being like this now?"
"Jaemin, calm down, please." Jeno grits his teeth, slowly getting angry himself.
"I can't." Jaemin's voice breaks as his expressions turn miserable, fat tears welling up. "I can't do this to myself, Jeno. I can't ruin myself more than this. You want an answer? Fine, I miss you. I miss us. But that's as far as it can go. What do you expect me to say, huh? That I miss you so much that I want to be with you again? Is that it?"
Jeno stays silent.
"We'll always stay as childhood friends, Jen. We could rebuild our friendship and be friends again but–"
"Jaemin,"
Jaemin sobs. "But you can't! I won't let you. You're prodding into my life like it's your business when it's not–not anymore. Do I need to remind you of your soulmates? Are you going to throw them away like you did to me?"
"Don't bring them into this. This is about you and me, not them."
"You brought me here to ask about me and Mark hyung."
"That's di–"
"Different how?!" Jaemin retorts, holding back his tears. "How is it different, Jeno? How? Because they're your precious soulmates? And Mark hyung is just a friend?"
"I didn't mean it like that, Jaemin. God–You know what I mean. They are my soulmates and so are you. We broke up but that doesn't mean our bond is too. We spent years together and what? You're gonna act like none of that matters now?"
"No, I don't know what you mean, sorry." Jaemin scoffs. "I regret not being upfront with you before but I've had someone make me realize just how much you don't deserve me. I loved you with my whole heart yet it still wasn't enough, was it? And you're telling me I'm the one acting like it doesn't matter when you made me feel insignificant for the past fucking year. You were the one who took me for granted, Lee Jeno."
Jeno is rendered speechless at Jaemin's burst as he stares back with an unreadable expression. They used to be the best at reading each other but now, none of them can tell anymore.
"I'm disappointed in you and before you go telling me off, watch your boundaries. Now, we're nothing but strangers who are bonded with a meaningless soulmate tag."
◑
Mark is welcomed by the sight of red eyes, blotchy cheeks and a deep frown on Jaemin's face once he hears footsteps approaching Jaemin's apartment. Jaemin looks equally surprised and speechless for the most, quickly adjusting his clothes and wiping the miserable expression off his face.
It doesn't end well when he accidentally pokes his own eye and tears up again, lips trembling immediately—whether from the poke to the eye or because of the fight with his soulmate a while ago. In all his life, he never thought he would snap at Jeno. He never did when they were kids. Teenagers. Best friends. Or lovers. Honestly, everything seems like it was falling apart right in front of him. He thinks it started the day Jeno forgot about him for the first time.
All of a sudden, memories of their past–the good and the bad ones come running to his mind and Jaemin chokes out a terrible sob at that, feeling as if his heart is on fire and his insides twisted painfully awful. He never wants to feel this. His knees buckle under the stress and he falls down, one hand clenched tightly onto his chest as more heart wrenching sobs rip through his throat.
And for the first time in weeks, he feels warmth envelopes him and he most definitely misses this type of warmth. It's not the familiar ones like Jeno's hugs or his friends' but they're warm and comforting, maybe even more so. Mark holds the crying boy close to his chest, patting the back of his head rhythmically to help calm him down. The quiet hum that leaves Mark's mouth does wonders to Jaemin.
"I–he–I don't know he, why, I–why, we—"
Mark shushes him and mumbles it's okay a few times. Jaemin presses his wet cheek to Mark's shoulder, frown way deeper than before. He doesn't like how he's basically making Mark hug him through the pain. Mark doesn't deserve to be just the knight in shining armour. He doesn't deserve to be just a shoulder to cry on. He doesn't deserve to be just a rebound.
And Jaemin won't let himself do that. Not to him. Not to Mark. Not to Jeno.
Mark deserves way more.
Yet Jaemin can't deny how warm and familiar the hug felt despite being their first one they share. He doesn't hug back because he has no strength to but he knows Mark understands from the constant pats on his back.
Jaemin's cries cease almost half an hour later when both of them are hungry and knees in pain from kneeling on the ground. Mark pulls him up softly while Jaemin feels utterly useless as he clings onto Mark's arm.
When Mark reaches out to punch in the code to Jaemin's apartment which he knows from the countless times he's spent waiting at Jaemin's door, a weak hand stops him.
"Don't wan'. Let's drink." Jaemin mumbles tiredly. The only thing in his mind is alcohol in his system so he can finally forget and start anew. "I wan' drink."
Mark gives him a skeptical look and any other day, he would reject him straight to his face because Jaemin doesn't favor drinking at all. But one look at his weary, vulnerable expression, Mark's heartstrings are tugged so hard that it's unexplainably painful to reject Jaemin at all.
"Alright,"
Ten minutes later, they sit at the rooftop with hands occupied by a bottle. Jaemin's is almost empty while Mark barely drunk his. He can't bear to see Jaemin crying into his drink but he does, in case the younger accidentally chokes or an incident happens. Jaemin doesn't sob out loud but the sniffles coming from him tells Mark he's still not okay.
It's a comfortable silence, Jaemin notes. He knows Mark is curious and he probably wants to ask 1001 questions but there's nothing more he appreciates than Mark understanding his pain and not questioning anything.
"I'm sorry," Jaemin creaks out, voice scratchy and hoarse from crying.
"You don't need to apologize, Jaem."
"He...that person, he's my soulmate. Was my soulmate. We–He, um, was my best friend for years. We spent our childhood together and became boyfriends in high school. Childhood sweetheart kind of love, huh? He was quite literally...my whole." Jaemin inhales. "Until that day, the day he found out he had two other soulmates who had his name. Yet I'm–I only had his."
Mark tries not to show pity because Jaemin wouldn't like it so he nonchalantly takes a chug of his drink and stares at the sky.
"For months. It went on for so many months and I think every passing day, I break little by little. It's so painful that I got used to it. At first, I ignored it. I tried not to care. Until– until the day at the hospital.
"Two months isn't enough for me to forget him, I guess. Two months will never be enough for me to move on. I thought I was. I really did. Slowly. Slowly but definitely. But when I saw him again today with them, I just remember all the bad stuff but then I'm reminded of our good memories too. And I feel like I'm stuck again. Stuck in a loophole of me chasing after him and him forgetting me. I don't know if it was on purpose but he was always someone who prioritizes his loved ones. He always did. Oh, I realize it now. His love for them was different than for me.
"Who am I kidding? What am I even? I don't even deserve it. Of course he would–"
"Jaemin-ah," Mark puts down his bottle and cups Jaemin's face in his hands. "If you say you don't deserve love, then you're absolutely wrong. Don't. Ever. Say that again."
Searching for Mark's eyes amidst his drunken state, Jaemin feels his heart plummet while deflating, all at the same time. Is this how being drunk feels like? I hate it. "Then what am I supposed to do?" he bursts into tears again, closing his eyes shut. "H-he–everything's so messed up–I-I–"
"Na Jaemin."
Jaemin sniffles pathetically and he thinks he looks the ugliest with red eyes, tears streaking down his face, snot running down his nose and a trembling frown on his pretty lips. Mark thinks otherwise. Even at his supposedly worst, Jaemin looks ethereal.
"You deserve love. You deserve so much love. I'm not telling you to forget him but know your worth. If he can't see it, it's his loss. You are the prettiest, brightest, kindest soul I've ever met, Jaem. The moon would–no, the moon is jealous of you, okay?
"Don't let him dictate the pattern of your future. I...I can't understand the loss of a soulmate in your way but in another way, I do. Losing your soulmate hurts like a bitch. But you're strong, Jaemin. You're so, so strong. You'll go through this. Not alone. I'll be here if you need me. You don't need to suffer by yourself."
Jaemin sniffles, another batch of tears roll down his flushed cheeks as he falls into Mark's arms, pressing his wet face to his chest. "Sorry," comes out muffled and broken.
"Never be sorry for your feelings, Jaemin."
◑
Jaemin answers the door in confusion. He doesn't know why the two of them would come to his home at this time? It was almost ten in the evening and Jaemin is only grateful tomorrow is a Friday.
"Hey,"
"Hi, Jaemin. Is Jeno home?"
Jaemin exhales and welcomes them inside. "He went to buy drinks. Did he invite you two?"
"Yep." Renjun answers, handing Jaemin a black plastic bag. "We bought some snacks. You just finished your finals, right? Jeno told us you were quite worried about it."
"Ah, yes." Jaemin makes quick work to place the snacks on the coffee table in the living room. "It was hell. I even stressed him out from the amount of coffee I consumed. I didn't know he talked about me to you?"
Donghyuck dismissively waves his hand about. "All he ever talks about is his cats and you. It's entertaining to hear. Also, we heard about your monster coffee."
Renjun stares curiously. "Do you seriously take that much caffeine? I mean I can't handle more than three shots. That's why I drink tea more."
Jaemin chuckles, "The coffee barely affects me. It's my comfort drink."
They all sit down around the coffee table with Jaemin facing the TV and leaning on the sofa's legs while the two soulmates sit across him side by side.
A sudden silence falls over them and it was awkward to say the least, judging from Renjun and Donghyuck who exchange looks while Jaemin hopes that Jeno would be back soon because even if they've been friends (Jaemin think this part is quite questionable), they can't seem to shake off the tension between them.
Maybe it was the soulmate tension.
Or maybe it was Jaemin's jealousy and envy towards the soulmates of his soulmate.
Whatever it was, Jaemin doesn't like feeling he doesn't belong there when his name is tied with Jeno's.
Speaking of the devil, the door is opened by none other than Jeno and the three turn their heads in sync. "Oh, you're here already. Hi,"
"Hey, Jen."
Jaemin sees both of Jeno's hands full and is about to stand up but Renjun beats him to it, running to Jeno and taking one of the bags.
"Thanks," Jeno says as they both smile at each other. "Sorry for making you wait."
They put the bags on the table and Donghyuck pulls out the bottles from the bag while Jaemin goes to the kitchen to grab glasses. Once he's seated, he looks at Jeno as if telling him to sit down. Jeno gets the hint but unlike what Jaemin thought, he chooses to sit on the empty side between all his soulmates. Jaemin's hand which rests on the empty space beside him burns.
The night ends up with three boys drunk over their minds and one merely tipsy. Renjun and Donghyuck had chugged down a bottle and a half each earlier and had moved on to drape their arms over each other, probably passed out. Jeno's head is bobbing as he babbles incoherently.
Jaemin is the only one out of the four still tipsy and sane. He takes small sips of his drink, hating the taste of the alcohol and the burn in his throat yet at the same time, wanting more of the temporary pain.
"Nana Nana Nana,"
Jaemin blinks drowsily, startled by Jeno calling him repeatedly. "Yeah?"
"Nana my sweet pretty Nana," Jeno giggles and pats his own flushed cheeks. "My Nana,"
"Why?"
Jeno suddenly stands up, staggers his way to Jaemin and stumbles down while Jaemin panics in fear of Jeno hurting himself but his soulmate luckily ends up resting his head on Jaemin's thighs. "My pretty Nana,"
"Why?"
"So so pretty and all mine, my Nana."
Jaemin smiles at his babbling and plays with Jeno's hair, earning a soft hum as Jeno leans into his touch. "Jeno-ya,"
"Nana?"
"Yes, Nana." Jaemin nods then glances at the two sleeping boys. "You didn't tell me you invited them here,"
"Who?"
"Donghyuck and Renjun. You didn't tell me they were coming."
"Ah, I wanted to surprise you." Jeno pouts sadly, resembling a sad puppy.
Surprised me, indeed.
"I love them a lot."
Jaemin's heart skips a beat.
"Who?"
"My soulmates. I love them a whole lot. Like," Jeno makes the biggest gesture he could do. "Very much!"
"And who are your soulmates, hm?"
Honestly, Jaemin doesn't know what came over him that he's asking a ridiculous question but the way Jeno is always honest when drunk piques his curiosity and Jaemin needs to know.
"Renjunnie!" Jeno hiccups. "Donghyuckie!" The hand in Jeno's hair halts for a second as Jaemin waits for his name but Jeno goes on humming a random tune.
Jaemin frowns sadly. "What about me?"
"You? You're my best friend, Nana. The best in the whole universe!"
Jaemin would be lying if he says he wasn't hurt. Tears immediately spring to his eyes, reminding him of the familiar sting.
"I love you, Nana. I love you the most."
Jaemin lets the first two tears roll down his cheeks, looking away and trying his best not to sob in the middle of the living room with his soulmate and his two soulmates present. There in that spot with Jeno hugging his waist as he falls asleep, Jaemin lets his heart break while feeling the loneliest he's ever been even with the warmth around him.
How can Jeno say he loves him the most while not acknowledging him as his soulmate at the same time?
◑
Jaemin groans, kicking off the blanket and screeching loudly. He's heard stories of drunk people not remembering any of their nights–a particularly painful one reminds him, so why, why is his memory so vivid and clear as the sky today?
He brings a pillow to his face and screams frustratedly. All he wants is to forget a little, so he could breathe better. The fight between him and Jeno from yesterday still lingers on his mind. The hurtful words Jeno threw at him. The equally painful ones Jaemin said back.
It seems as if the fight hasn't dawned upon Jaemin yet he knows it did. The proof of it being his puffy red eyes today. He received a few texts from his two young friends and he's grateful but he's not in the mood to reply back. He knows they'll understand.
What Jaemin can't comprehend is why Jeno would suddenly pick up a fight after not seeing each other for so long? Jealousy? It doesn't make sense to him that Jeno is jealous. He doesn't like feeling so helpless, like the way he did when his relationship was falling apart.
Jaemin knows sooner or later, he has to talk it out with Jeno because the fight yesterday won't do any of them good. If Jaemin himself is still thinking of it, Jeno would mostly be overthinking. They've never fought–sure, they've bickered and argued over some stupid things but thinking back on how Jaemin raised his voice and Jeno not stepping down at all which eventually resulted to Jaemin purposely choosing the most cruel words he knows would definitely hurt Jeno.
He hurt Jeno.
Jaemin hurt him in a way he was hurt before.
He thinks it should have left a taste of satisfaction in him but why does he feel even more dreadful? Jaemin hugs his knees to his chest, resting the side of his head on top. The more he thinks, the more he realizes hurting Jeno doesn't really bring any change to him. It did leave a dent in Jeno's heart and maybe he would finally realize how much pain he inflicted on Jaemin unconsciously or not. The look of defeat suits Jeno but why does it hurt Jaemin even more?
"Why do you have to be so cruel to me even now, Jen?"
Jaemin forces himself to stop thinking of his ex because nothing good ever comes out of it anyway other than more heartbreak. He sniffs his sleeve and a sense of comfort blankets over him as he realizes what he's wearing or whose hoodie he's wearing. The scent lingering on the sleeve tells him enough. His cheeks flush crimson red as the rest of the night after the fight floods his head.
Images of him crying at the door in front of Mark. Images of him desperately leaning on Mark while sobbing. Images of him taking sips after sips of his bottle until the burn on his throat turns bearable. Images of him spilling details of his tragic love life, of losing his soulmate. Images of him pathetically crying into Mark's arms again. Images of him being comforted by Mark's warm words and warm hug.
If there was a pill to erase memories, Jaemin would eat it without hesitation and last night would be the top candidate for a memory Jaemin doesn't want to even remember at all. Nothing about the night before is worthy to remember other than Jisung winning the competition.
"How am I gonna face Mark hyung after this?" Jaemin whines, lightly hitting his own head with his fist. "I must've looked so pathetic. How many times am I gonna embarrass myself in front of him?"
Jaemin chews on his lower lip as he tries to bury himself in the sheets of his bed. He remembers Mark comforting him so warmly that he accidentally fell asleep due to crying his heart out. He also remembers Mark carrying him back to his room and tucking him in.
Even until the moment Mark leaves, he whispers sweet things and assurances to his ears and maybe Jaemin dreams of a soft kiss on his forehead. Because what are the odds that Mark would kiss him, right?
Jaemin was in a tough place. He's been crying nonstop and Mark probably felt bad for him.
Jaemin was a wreck the whole night. It possibly reminded Mark of a bad memory, no?
Jaemin was terribly in need of affection and warmth after so long. And Mark, Mark Lee, was conveniently there to lend him a hand.
An ugly wail leaves his mouth as he tugs at the ends of his hair. "You're the stupidest, Jaemin."
In truth, he knows nothing of Mark's intention. They've been pretty close friends for the past months and Mark is slowly building a Mark shaped spot right in the middle of his heart. Jaemin thinks it's dangerous. Letting someone be the center of your hope and happiness. He learned it the hard way last time.
Jaemin knows nothing of Mark's intention. Why was Mark even at his door last night? Didn't Mark ask him to text him when he gets back home? Although Jaemin might have forgotten about that, it doesn't matter when Mark is the one who made sure he's home and safely in bed.
Indeed, Jaemin knows exactly nothing of Mark's intention. Maybe that's why it scares him even more. He doesn't want to flatter himself with the possibility of something that has been on his mind for some time now. He doesn't want to entertain the possibility that maybe, maybe what Chenle was hinting to him yesterday could come true. He doesn't want to raise his hopes up just to let it fall and disappoint himself even worse.
He can't let himself be broken, again.
Jaemin treasures the friendship he has with Mark in the meantime. He doesn't want to lose Mark like he lost Jeno. It would be too much. He doesn't want his comfort for now to leave him. It's selfish of Jaemin. He knows it but is it that bad if he was to be selfish this time? His assumption is not even proven to be right. He could be wrong for all he knows and can still keep his friendship.
Because at the end of the day, he doesn't want to be alone.
It's ironic of him to not want to be alone when he enjoys being alone most of the time. Jaemin thinks it's the realisation that he used to be alone but not lonely, now he's alone and lonely.
The ping of his phone startles him and his heartbeat quickens, chest heaving nervously. He doesn't know why the first person that crosses his mind manages to make him excited with only a text message.
To : Jaemin🌝
Good morning Jaemin-ah
How was your sleep? I'm hoping it was comfortable. You were having a hard time last night and kept tossing around in your sleep. I had to hug you. Did I cross the line with that? If I am, I apologize for that.
I think you're still sleeping now.
I mean, the amount of bottles you chugged down yesterday was kind of...concerning.
I hope you feel a little better this morning when you wake up.
Don't worry about last night too much, okay?
I won't judge you if that's what you're thinking.
When you wake up, make sure to drink water.
Jaemin-ah
Jaemin
Jaemin
Jaemin?
Are you still sleeping?
That's okay then, get a good rest
Okay, now, what the fuck? He can't be doing this to me. Why now?!
Jaemin squeals as he rereads Mark's texts again and again, feeling happiness bubbling in his chest. He thinks it's ridiculous that he's acting like a high school girl with a crush. A crush. A crush? Is that what Mark is? At the thought of Mark being his crush, he feels it again. He's doing it again. He doesn't realize when but along the way, he's already letting Mark be the center of his hope and happiness.
No, I can't make the same mistake again.
Not with Mark hyung.
I'll take it slow. Steady.
Never get your hopes up.
◑
Jaemin isn't trying to impress anyone, especially not a certain boy who goes by the name of Mark Lee. Especially not him. Absolutely not him. Nope. Nah. Nada nada nada.
Oh, who is he kidding? He's definitely dressing to impress. The amount of times he's checked himself in the mirror for the past hour can rival all the times for the past year. He's fixed his hair, swiping it right, left, upwards and leaves it be. He's dressed in between cute and cool– a white printed t-shirt and a denim jacket and would Mark like it? Or hate it?
Jaemi ha's been mumbling to himself, pacing around his room nervously. .
"It's just a date. A simple–" Jaemin gasps in surprise. "Did Mark hyung say it was a date? Did I hear it right? Or is it just a casual hangout like always?"
Jaemin stops once again in front of the mirror, scans his outfit from head to toe and fixes them again. He tries to convince himself it's nothing serious about Mark asking him out. It's not the first time they've gone out together. Yet something about today seems a little different.
Mark drives to Jaemin's place. Jaemin would be lying if he says the image of Mark driving doesn't make his heart flutter. It does. Jaemin still hasn't gotten his driving license but he does know how to drive, months of learning from Jeno who has his license. He wonders if Mark would let him drive his car if he asks.
The car is downright Mark, comforting and cozy. He likes the smell in Mark's car which is just a mix of Mark's cologne and paper. It smells nice. Mark looks nice, Jaemin notes in his head as he sees the latter smile at him when Jaemin stares at him for too long.
Jaemin notices how attractive Mark looks when he drives, serious and entirely focused on the road. He likes the Mark with sweet smiles and happy laughter. He likes the Mark with a golden heart, so caring and concerned. He likes the Mark in front of him–cool and collected, although he likes the silly, awkward cutie who just enjoys cracking bad jokes.
"You look cute today." Mark praises, glancing at Jaemin.
"Cute? Me?" Jaemin snaps his head to Nark so fast it could've broken. "Oh? Yes, you too."
"Cute,"
"Stop!" Jaemin whines, covering the side of his face from Mark as he stomps his feet. "I swear I don't blush because of something this small!"
"And you're not," Mark points out, making Jaemin peek at him and instead, Mark pokes his warm cheek. "It's your natural colour,"
Jaemin grumbles as he tightens his jacket, "You're teasing me,"
"I am," Mark singsongs. "Have you fallen for me?"
Jaemin scoffs and bumps shoulders with him. "As if, it'll take more than sweet talking, Mark hyung."
Mark bumps back. "I'm...not good at sweet talking but if you think so, then doesn't that mean I'm succeeding?"
"Shut up," Jaemin whines and for the first time Mark's known him, Jaemin walks fast, leaving him behind.
"Wait up, Jaem!"
If Jaemin recalls it correctly, he hasn't been on a date for months. Although this isn't a date, it's the closest to it and Jaemin starts to get excited over the plans for today.
"You brought me to a street market?"
"Yeah," Mark licks his lips nervously. "Do you...like it?"
"Like it?" Jaemin frowns, eyebrows furrowed before breaking into the brightest smile. "I love it here!"
"Oh, cool. I was worried that you hate—"
"Come on!" Jaemin doesn't wait for him to finish talking as he drags Mark's arm to the nearest shop. "You're hungry, right?"
"Well, yeah. A little bit but–"
"Aunty!" Jaemin calls excitedly. "Can we please get two cups of ddeokbokki?"
The lady prepares his order immediately while Mark watches in amazement at how fast her hands worked. Jaemin nudges his elbow. "You're drooling,"
"Am not!" Mark defends, instinctively wiping his mouth to realize a beat later Jaemin was teasing him. "Not nice, Jaem."
Jaemin lets out a hearty laugh, hand subconsciously linking with Mark's arm as he steps closer. "This isn't your first time here, is it?"
"Is it embarrassing if I say yes?"
"Nope!" Jaemin giggles. "Even more cute than you already are."
Mark is slightly stunned with how bright Jaemin looks. If he knew bringing Jaemin to a street market would make him happy, he would have done it a long time ago.
"Here you go, young man." The lady passes the cups to them and Jaemin takes one while Mark stares at them in shock. "Well, what are you waiting for?" Jaemin nudges Mark and he slowly takes the warm cup in hand.
"Isn't this a little too much, aunty?" Jaemin asks, looking at the pile in his cup.
"Extra for you young handsome lads," The lady smiles knowingly at them while the two laugh, thanking her after paying the price and proceed to eat while strolling through the market.
"Is it good? Too spicy?" Jaemin looks expectantly at Mark.
Mark shakes his head. "It's bearable. It's really good though quite hot."
Jaemin cooes out loud. "Is Mark hyung sensitive to hot food? Shall I cool it down for you?"
"I don't know if you're actually teasing me or being serious."
"Of course I'm serious," Jaemin huffs and pokes one piece of the snack from his own cup and blows gently. Mark watches the way his eyelashes flutter delicately against his cheekbones then goes wide open as Jaemin tries to feed it to him. "Say Ah!"
Mark looks at the snack then to Jaemin who urges him to eat then finally leans in to eat. "You know I can do that myself, Jaem."
"It's nice when someone takes care of you, no?" Jaemin links their arm again and Mark finds himself getting pulled into a random store next. "Hyung, hyung. Have you ever had couple items?"
"C-couple items?" Mark stammers, blinking in surprise. "Like matching items?"
"Yeah! I like buying couple items, you know? Jisung and I have matching shirts. I bought Chenle bucket hats and he wears them like, all the time. Ah…with Jeno too, I guess."
"If you don't want to talk about it, then you don't need to."
"No, I just thought about him since I bought him so many things. Are you...okay if I talk about him?"
Mark hums in confusion. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I–Well–"
"He's your soulmate and your best friend. You spent almost all your life with him. It's impossible if he doesn't come up in a random conversation, if I have to be honest."
"No, I get that. But are you okay with it? We're kinda going on a da– uh, hanging out together."
Mark pauses and pinches Jaemin's cheek. "We're on a date, Jaem. Just straight up say that."
"We are?"
"We are,"
"O-oh," Jaemin blushes, feeling quite shy over the statement.
"Now, about the couple item." Mark trails off. "What do you have in mind?"
Jaemin bounces on his heels excitedly and pulls Mark with him to the nearest clothing store. "What do you want? Shoes? Hats? Jackets? Accessories?"
"Uhhhh–"
"Shoes? Or do you like t-shirts?"
"Uh, Jaem–"
"Snapbacks look nice, don't they?"
"They do but–"
Mark holds onto Jaemin's forearm, startling the other from his rambling. Jaemin looks curious before a sudden realization dawns on him and he purses his lips.
"I'm sorry. I got too ahead of myself." Jaemin pouts guiltily.
"No no, you didn't. I just–" Mark feels bad as he sees the frown on Jaemin and he scans the store, eyes spotting the perfect item. "What about hoodies?"
Jaemin perks up, almost like a puppy with his big doe eyes sparkling. "Hoodies? Are they okay?"
"Yeah, it's useful and comfy."
The smile Jaemin sends Mark's way makes him feel things he hasn't felt in a while.
"Is black and white okay with you? Do you prefer another colour or should we go with the same colour?"
"Which do you like better?"
"I asked you first,"
"I don't really mind which colour,"
"I don't care either,"
"I care about what you want more,"
Jaemin sends him an unreadable look and Mark thinks it's his most complicated face ever. Na Jaemin, to him, is an unpredictable yet predictable person. Mark likes that quality in him.
"We're going out of here with two hoodies, so you better make your choice." Jaemin deadpans.
"You make the choice."
"Mark hyung!" Jaemin whines, tugging on his sleeve.
Mark shakes his head in amusement, taking a black and white hoodie. He puts each one in front of Jaemin then gives the other the white one. "I think you look good in white."
"Yeah, I've been told." Jaemin takes the white hoodie and plays with the sleeves. "Is this pretty?"
Mark raises an eyebrow. "It is but you know what's prettier?" He exchanges their hoodies, grinning brightly. "You in black."
"You just said I look good in white."
"You look good in everything."
Jaemin snorts, grabs both hoodies and heads to the counter. "Sweet talking me really doesn't work, hyung. But I'll trust your words."
After buying the hoodies, the two stroll along the market, stopping at a few to look at the goods. Mark notices how slow Jaemin walks and if he was any other friend, he'd rush them but since it's Jaemin, he says nothing and lets his own legs fall into place with Jaemin's.
"You really have a knack for making people slow down for you."
"I'd call that a talent, you see."
"Wonderful,"
"Not everyone though," Jaemin points out jokingly.
"The world is still going to spin. It'll never wait. It won't stop. It won't rewind. Not for you. But someone would be willing to."
Jaemin chuckles, bumping their shoulders together. "I feel like I found that someone."
Mark thinks so too when their hands brush together. He feels like that someone.
◑
After their date, something between them changed. They can't put a finger to it but definitely, something.
Jaemin no longer holds himself back from displaying his blatant affection for Mark with his constant touches. He's commonly seen with a smile nowadays too, a brighter one especially when he sees Mark which is almost all his free time. They promised each other to spend their free period at the library. Sometimes, they're there to study and they would end up in their own world the whole time with the thought of being able to get free food after. Sometimes, they do nothing and laze around while listening to music that they recommend to each other. Sometimes, Jaemin falls asleep in the comfort of the air-conditioned room and the soft taps of Mark's finger against the table.
Jisung complains to Jaemin one day, why Jaemin never hangs out with him anymore. Why Jaemin is always seen with Mark hyung. Why Jaemin always looks so happy. Jisung is nothing but overjoyed over the fact that Jaemin is slowly going back to his old self before everything changed and got complicated—when things were fine and content but he can't deny the smile Jaemin is sporting every time it has to do with Mark seems a little more happier. More livelier. More prettier.
Coming from someone who's had a small crush on the older when they were first friends, Jisung obviously notes the difference in Jaemin's smile. He can't compare how Mark and one of the most important people in Jaemin's life aka his soulmate but it's not hard when one of them makes Jaemin cry more than he smiles.
Jisung knows Chenle agrees from the way he acts every time Jaemin meets up with Mark. The latter would send Jisung a knowing look–usually one of disgust and disbelief because they don't really look as just friends neither as a couple. Chenle appreciates Mark's patience in waiting for Jaemin, only feeling glad his friend is meeting someone worthy of his heart.
Jisung is jealous deep inside. In all his life living with Jaemin by his side, he's always been put as priority even when Jeno was in the picture. He remembers the day he used to rile the older up with childish acts like stealing Jaemin's attention away and they would bicker over it later. He remembers gagging in disgust whenever they would display excessive affection in front of him. He felt like he was their child at a point despite them being close in age and growing up together. He regrets not treasuring those memories over the years because now, instead of the constant he's loved, it's a different other person.
Yet Jisung doesn't want to be a hypocrite over words he said in the past ("If you two don't end up married and grow wrinkly old, then what's the point of life?") and he regrets it dearly although out of the three of them, only he remembers this piece of memory.
Jisung still feels sorry for Jaemin from time to time whenever he recalls the days Jaemin seemed sad, the days the shine in his eyes dimmed, the days his smile never reached his eyes, the days he shed tears over his soulmate, the days he realize he's no longer Jeno's home but his constant.
Jisung still feels that Jeno deserves a few blows to his face but he knows three things that would stop him. Jaemin, Chenle, and his ability to actually throw a punch but it doesn't hinder the fact that Jeno does indeed deserve them.
Seeing Jaemin with a different person is unusual. Weird. But something he could get used to. And Jisung is willing to. With a simple condition—as long as Jaemin is happy, he's okay with it. He's lived his life with Jaemin making sure he's happy and he's gonna live his own life making sure Jaemin is now.
That's what his Jaemin hyung deserves.
Sometimes he would wonder if letting Mark get close to Jaemin is a wrong decision and he could play a part to distance them but he's proven wrong so many times when Mark acts so differently yet so similar to Jeno. The only exact thing between them is their affection for Jaemin.
Jisung thinks it's a good start for Mark.
He's seen the stolen glances both Mark and Jaemin exchange when they think no one's looking. He knows about the random dates hangouts they have at Jaemin's apartment which Jisung is still skeptical of since that's the one place harbouring all of the exes' memories. He's seen the way blushes decorate their faces ever so easily whenever someone slips. He's seen the face and laugh Jaemin makes whenever Mark tells him his awfully corny jokes. He's seen everything he needs to.
He thinks he should let them be.
It's not his business to poke in. It's theirs and they're adults. He loves Jaemin dearly. He views Mark favorably. He's gonna sit back and watch.
They'll take it slow and steady.
◑
It's a rainy Saturday when Mark comes over to Jaemin's apartment with the excuse to hangout. Jaemin greets Mark with a weary smile and a duffel bag full of clothes.
"Where are you going?"
"Home," Jaemin replies. "My mom wants to see me. Uh–you should've told me you were coming. I could give you a heads up and you won't waste your time coming here. Now, I have to shoo you away."
"Maybe you don't have to?" Mark has his hands in the pockets of hoodie and Jaemin swallows the urge to squeal how cute he looks in the hoodie. Jaemin notes it's the couple hoodie they brought together before. "If I may intrude, I mean–I'd like to join you."
"Join me as in—? Back home?"
"Yep,"
"Do you–Are you sure? It's not that far from here but are you sure? My mom enjoys guests but are you sure?"
"You make it sound so scary, Jaem. And yah, sure. I do need a breather from here." Mark smiles and Jaemin only realizes now his smile doesn't reach his eyes. If he observes more, Mark looks exhausted and as if life had been drained out of him from the noticeable dark eyebags.
"Hyung, you're okay, right?" Jaemin asks concernedly, dropping his duffel bag to cup Mark's cheeks. He notices they seem a little sunken.
"I'm fine," Mark touches Jaemin's hand on his face. "I'm really fine. I'll be better if you could allow me to join you. I'll pay for the journey."
"It's not much. We're taking the train."
"Yep, come on. We don't want to miss it,"
"I haven't bought a ticket yet," Jaemin says. "And you don't have clothes with you."
"You're staying overnight?"
"Yeah, for the weekend. My classes start at noon next Monday. I'll be back by morning."
Mark nods understandingly and Jaemin decides to cheer him up a little.
"Does Mark hyung miss me a lot? It seems like you keep on searching for me." Jaemin jokes, lightly punching Mark's arm.
What he doesn't expect back is Mark with a genuine smile and sincerer eyes. "You can say it like that."
Jaemin fakes a cough. "Well, I'm sure you fit my clothes. C'mon. You'll love it there. My mom cooks the best food."
And for a little while, Mark is comforted by Jaemin's presence and Jaemin is glad to help as Mark has for him.
The train back to Jaemin's home wasn't filled with chatter because Mark turned drowsy as soon as he sat down. Jaemin guesses it to be the tiredness in his moves and the downcasted look in his eyes. Mark looked like he'd been crying prior to his visit. Jaemin thinks he's terrible for wanting Mark to be like this again just so he can be able to lend Mark his shoulder and let the other depend on him.
"Good things will come because you do good things," Jaemin mumbles, a little smile decorating his face while Mark is sound asleep on his shoulder. Mark's hair tickles him greatly but he doesn't have the heart to shove the boy off. "I hope you can be as happy as how you make others, hyung."
Jaemin wakes him up two minutes before arriving and Mark accidentally brushes his lips against the skin area around Jaemin's neck to shoulder, eliciting a shudder from the younger. Mark doesn't say sorry though for the spite of it because the face Jaemin has makes him blush.
The walk to Jaemin's home is quiet—he insists to walk since it was only a 15-minute walk from the train station and it'll help with their sleepiness. Mark falls into step beside him, somehow matching their steps together. They chuckle at it, mildly reminded of their date before.
Mark thinks it's quite literally torture to be walking beside Jaemin due to many reasons. One–he walks extremely slow and leisurely, Mark knows they'll take more than 15 minutes. Two–Mark has the urge to just hold his hand after the few times they've brushed each other's knuckles and mumbling half-hearted sorrys.
None of them is sorry and it's not only Mark who wants to hold hands. Jaemin clears his throat, bumping their hands slightly harsher than before. Mark winces, more shocked than pained and he bites his lower lip as he gathers his confidence.
Jaemin suddenly stops walking, frowning cutely. "God! Just hold it already." he holds out his free hand, cheeks painted a pretty pink hue and Mark albeit flustered, finally takes his hand into his. It doesn't quite fit or feel perfect yet it's warm–warmer than he thought.
They walk in utter silence again, hearts beating a little faster and delighted smiles adorning their faces.
Soon, Jaemin's home comes into view and it's something Mark expected it to look like. Something like Jaemin. He's heard of numerous stories about Jaemin's mother and he feels like he's known her despite never meeting her before. Nervousness catches onto him and Mark is sweating from the thought he's going to meet Jaemin's mother. He doesn't know why it took him a two hours journey for the realization to sink in.
Mark is meeting Jaemin's mother–his family while he's not even sure what he is to Jaemin now.
Jaemin, noticing his nervousness, gives an assuring squeeze to Mark's hand and tilts his head as if asking if he's ready. Mark may not know where he stands in Jaemin's life at the moment but for now, looking into his eyes and admiring his pretty smile, he squeezes back.
Mark should have known Jaemin would be the exact carbon copy of his mother because he was too lovely and his mother is all kinds of lovely. She doesn't seem too surprised at Jaemin bringing a guest home–Mark guesses she's been told. The warm hug of a mother makes Mark remember his own mother in another continent and he almost tears up if the hug lasted a bit longer.
"Hello, Mrs Na. It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Mark Lee. I'm Jaemin's," Mark pauses for two seconds. "Friend."
Jaemin tenses as he waits for Mark's answer and he doesn't know if he should be grateful or disappointed over it. They are friends.
"My Jaeminnie told me about you. Come on in, kids."
Mark thinks the inside of Jaemin's home is much more homey than it looks from the outside. He wonders if it's the scent of homemade cooking or the wooden table which reminded him of home.
The day is spent with Jaemin helping his mother with the house chores and telling her to take her deserved rest and Mark tailing behind him to offer help whenever Jaemin needs it. Jaemin's mother is completely amused by the two whispering, giggling, bickering and also the hidden moments where she sees each of them giving the other looks that could only be described as longing or fond.
She hums, sipping on her tea–courtesy of her lovely son and wonders if Jaemin has ever smiled like that since he broke up with his soulmate. She'll just have to pull a few strings to satisfy her curiosity then.
Later that night, after dinner, Jaemin is cleaning up the table while Mark awkwardly sits across Mrs Na.
"You look so tense. Calm down, I'm not gonna bite you." She jokes and Mark chuckles, nodding as he glances at Jaemin. "Ohhh? I see you looking at Jaeminnie."
Mark turns to her, wide eyed and mouth agape. "No-no, I was—I was just looking. I didn't–um,"
"How long have you known Jaeminnie?"
"It's going to be...three months soon,"
She hums thoughtfully. "Are you perhaps...the person he was waiting for at the hospital?"
"What?"
She giggles and leans in to whisper. "Jaeminnie doesn't want to admit it but I know he was waiting for someone at the time. He kept on looking out the door and denied it every time I asked if he was. He's cute, isn't he?"
Without realizing, Mark already has his eyes back on Jaemin who's humming a soft tune as he washes the dishes. Mark is smiling fondly at how adorable he is. "Yes, very cute."
"I see, you have a soft spot for him, huh?" She perches her chin on her palm. "Even as his mommy, I can tell, he's quite a catch, isn't he?"
Mark clears his throat, looking back at her seriously. "I think it's fairly inappropriate to tell the mother of someone I find attractive that I do,"
She freezes for a beat then playfully swats Mark's arm. "I didn't know you could joke."
That wasn't a joke?!
"I was worried for him, you know?" She says with wistful eyes. "Jaeminnie isn't the type to show it but I can tell he's heartbroken when he woke up at the hospital and Jeno wasn't there. Wait– you know who Jeno is, right?"
"Yes, his soulmate. We...know each other."
She smiles, continuing. "Jaeminnie used to call me every other day to tell me about his day and I know him. He's been losing the shine in his eyes and even if he tries to smile the brightest, it always seemed a little sad. I came to know about...the devastating news during his stay at the hospital. They broke up. I really don't want to blame Jeno. He's like a son to me but that doesn't stop me from resenting him for making my precious son go through such a horrendous time.
"Surprisingly, I thought he would look sadder after but he looked relieved, happier even? Like he got rid of a burden he's been carrying for far too long. As for me, I'm happy when he is. And I can see he is now,"
"Ma'am, I'm–"
"You understand what I mean, don't you, Mark?" She utters seriously. "I don't ever want to see that sparkle gone."
"It won't." Mark responds. "I'll make sure it won't."
"As much as I love my son, you matter too. Treasure yourself, sweetheart. Your heart matters too."
Mark doesn't reply back as he takes in her words and he wonders if she knows more than she looks like. He feels like the woman can see right through him or is it just the love she's carrying with her. She is Jaemin's mother.
Mark sleeps in the guest room for the night. He's wearing Jaemin's oversized t-shirt and sweatpants. Jaemin thinks he looks cute in them, a random thought passes through his mind.
I want to see him like this more.
Jaemin isn't even sure what this means. Whether it's Mark dressed in his clothes or Mark spending the night somewhere decently close to him. Either way, he wants it.
To : Jaemin🌝
Are you up for a ceiling gazing night?
Jaemin laughs out loud, completely amused by Mark even through text. He's sure the other two people present in the house can hear him but he ignores it and chooses to sneak out of his room a while later. He sees the lights to his mother's room turned off, so he tiptoes to the guest room.
Mark didn't close the door all the way and Jaemin peeks his head in between, calling out sweetly. "Mark hyung,"
Mark, who is laying down on the bed turns his head to the door and ushers the younger in. "Turn off the lights,"
Jaemin is excited in his steps, almost jumping into Mark's arms but he composes himself to gently take the space beside him.
Mark has his hands rested on his stomach and Jaemin copies his posture, head tilted slightly upward to look at the ceiling.
"I don't know my way out here and I am a hundred percent certain I will get lost if I do, so let's just do this for tonight. I noticed that the ceiling is quite a nice replacement."
Jaemin giggles, unknowingly moving closer to Mark until their shoulders brush. "If you say so,"
Mark nudges Jaemin's elbow, making the latter glance his way. "Cold?"
"Hm? Do you need another blanket? I can go and take it—oh."
Instead of wanting a blanket, all Mark Lee wanted was a little heat in the form of Jaemin's hand. Jaemin bites down a smile although his cheeks are already flushed a pretty starlet red.
"This is warm," Jaemin mumbles, tightening his hold. "Ah, right. Earlier, with my mom. Did she...say anything?"
Mark rubs Jaemin's knuckles tenderly. "She did. Are you curious?"
"She's worried about you and she really loves you. She asked me to treasure myself too."
"...That's all?"
"Let the rest be our secret. You can stay cute and pretty,"
Jaemin moves around so he's facing Mark and brings their intertwined hands in between them. "You keep on sweet talking me like that, hyung. C'mon. Did she ask you something...uncomfortable? She's nice, I swear she really is but I think she's quite protective and after...that happened, she got a little concerned."
"She's sweet. I think we'll get along well." Mark copies Jaemin and now both of them have their bodies facing each other. "There's nothing to worry about. She kinda reminds me of my mom too. Homey and comforting. Are all mothers like that?"
Jaemin notices the topic change but he gives up and pushes Mark back, eliciting an oof then he rests his head against Mark's chest. "I wanna meet your family too,"
"You do?" Mark asks, surprise heavy in his tone. "I mean, do you really?"
"Of course!" Jaemin nods. "We're somewhere there, aren't we?"
"If the prince wants it, then we are."
Jaemin snorts, squeezing their hands.
"Do you like princess better?"
"Shut up," Jaemin grumbles. "I say we are then, no take backs!"
"No take backs," Mark agrees. "I like it this way too, I want you to feel better first though. Focus on yourself and shower yourself with all the things that make you happy."
"Thanks,"
"You deserve it, Jaem. You really do."
"Hyung, this morning. Are you...Did you–um—"
"I remembered a sad memory last night and it made me dream of it. I wouldn't say I regretted it but the memory isn't something I want to ignore. It's good to remember those memories despite them making you feel like everything's falling apart. I think it makes us stronger. Though it kinda made me pathetically cry and you had to see that."
"It's not pathetic if it means something to you,"
"I don't think I'll ever not be less sad over it. Moving on is just me pushing those feelings aside,"
"Let's heal together, hyung. You and me both,"
Jaemin excuses himself an hour later when Mark gets sleepy. He takes a few minutes to stare at Mark's sleeping face, noting the deep furrow of his eyebrows. Jaemin touches the spot in between his eyebrows, easing them while Mark unconsciously nuzzles his head against his finger. He closes the door with a silent goodnight to a sleeping Mark.
Feeling thirsty, Jaemin stops by the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He's mildly startled by the sudden light in the kitchen and he turns back to meet his mother's loving gaze.
"Why are you up so late, oh my sweet mother?" He puts down his glass while she makes her way to the dining table.
"I could ask the same to you, Jaeminnie." She taps the chair beside her. "Did you come from Mark's room? Come here and sit down with your mother, hm?"
Albeit confused, Jaemin obeys her and takes the seat. He's nervously fiddling with his fingers. Usually, he's unbothered whenever she asks to talk but from today's events and the look in her eyes at the time, Jaemin thinks it's more serious.
She grabs Jaemin's larger hand in hers and caresses it softly. "My Jaeminnie. You've grown up so much, my baby. You were as small as a bean and now, look at you. Even taller than me. I'm so proud of you. You grew up prettily, my baby." Her other hand caresses Jaemin's cheek, giving it a light squish. "You've grown up so much and I saw everything happening from the day you were born, to the day you walked your first step and spoke your first word, to sending you to school, to your high school graduation. Oh my, you've really grown up so well.
"I can't believe my baby is this big already." She smiles proudly and Jaemin tries to ignore the glimmering shine in her eyes. "I watched you have your first crush, watched you fall in love, watched you being the happiest person when you found out you were soulmates, watched you spend time with him and I swear, I thought I knew you were in the right hands. That you found your happiness. I watched you two move in and share all the details over the apartment and your university life. I watched over mostly everything."
"Mom," Jaemin frowns, knowing where the conversation is going and not liking it one bit from the way his mother's eyes teared up and his own voice cracking. Both of them were naturally emotional, strong yet very easily touched.
"No, baby, my Jaeminnie. Listen to me. I wasn't there to watch when he found his other soulmates. I wasn't there with you when you felt insecure and hurt. I wasn't there to watch the shine in your eyes disappear, to watch your smile turning forced, to watch your heart break. I wasn't there with you when you needed someone. I wasn't there when you felt all those bad feelings. I'm sorry, my baby."
"Mom, please. Please,"
"Be honest with me, baby, okay? Okay? I want you to be honest with yourself," Jaemin shakes his head, trying to hold his sobs back. "Please, baby. Help yourself too," she begs.
"I don't know, Mom. I don't know, I don't know. I'm so confused. So confused with everything, Mom. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to move on and it hurts. It's so hard. I told Mark hyung—" Sobs. "I told him that we can take it slow and I like where we're at right now but I– I just–"
"Do you like that boy?"
Jaemin bites his lower lip, a slow hesitant nod comes after.
She holds his hands, stroking it gently. "I've seen the same look you give to Mark with Jeno before. And I don't want to get ahead of myself but I can't help noticing you seem happier. You smile brighter. The shine in your eyes came back even brighter. You just seem so much better than before, baby."
Jaemin breaks down worse, resting his head in the middle of his arms. "How do I–How do I love someone, Mom? How do I love someone when my heart's still broken. I'm so scared to open up. I'm trying to with hyung but it's so hard—What if I–What if they end up falling out of love with me? Again? I don't think– I can't, I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to go through that anymore, Mommy. It was so hard."
She pulls Jaemin close, making her only son cry into her arms as she soothes him. "You don't need to, baby. You don't. But you will never get to know what being happy is like. I see the way you two look at each other. Give him a chance."
Jaemin sniffles, wrapping his arms tightly around his mother as if he's scared of losing her.
"Does he have a soulmate?"
Jaemin hiccups and shakes his head. "I don't know," he cries.
"It's okay, baby. It's okay. Mommy's here. Mommy's here with you, okay? I love you. I love you so much. So many people do. You have so, so many people around you who love you dearly. Now, just let whatever happens happen. Let it be, let yourself feel.
"Go for Mark if your heart tells you to,"
◑
The two leave Jaemin's home next afternoon, earlier than scheduled with a promise of coming back soon. Mark tries not to notice the red in Jaemin's eyes when they had breakfast. He only gives the younger a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, assuring him he was there for Jaemin. Jaemin hugs his mother so tight Mark was a little concerned the petite lady is suffocated. The look Jaemin's mother sends Mark when she sends them off is unsettling.
Mark doesn't pry further.
On the way back, Jaemin hesitantly holds onto Mark's hand. Wordlessly, Mark lets him do so, tightening his hold even. Jaemin thinks the choice isn't hard to make when Mark treats him in all ways he wants to be treated.
In the train, no words are exchanged and Jaemin stares out the window quietly. Mark plays with his fingers, gently threading them apart to intertwine their hands. Jaemin watches the smile adorning Mark's face fondly.
"Did you get a good sleep last night?"
Mark hums, rubbing Jaemin's knuckles with his other hand. He has their laced hands leisurely on top of his own lap. "I ceiling gazed a few more minutes after you left but other than that, yes, I did."
"Are you…" Jaemin trails off, voice getting quieter. "Not curious?"
"Jaemin-ah," Mark leans back on his seat. "Are you okay?"
It's a simple question. The answer is either yes or no. Yet Jaemin is flustered. Not only because of the question but the look in Mark's eyes as he asked him. It feels like his gaze pierced through Jaemin's fragile facade, revealing all of his deepest feelings.
Jaemin fakes a cough, averting his eyes to their hands instead. "...I am,"
"Then, would you like to go for a date?"
The speed of Jaemin turning his head back to Mark is insane, paired with his innocent wide eyes and mouth opened.
"A date?"
"What do you think of watching a movie at my place?"
"Hyung's?"
Mark nods enthusiastically. "You've never been there before, right? It's not as nice as your apartment since I live with a roommate but they're out partying tonight. So, I thought you would like to spend time with me, especially after what we talked last night—Ah! You can reject me too, I'm completely okay. We can just go home separately, after I make sure you're home first though. Right, maybe we should stop for food before that. Are you hungry—"
"Yes,"
Mark blinks. "To which question?"
"All," Jaemin bumps his shoulder playfully. "I wanna see your place and I am kinda hungry."
"Cool,"
"Cool,"
"So—"
"Do you realize you ramble a lot, hyung?" Jaemin grins, tilting his head to the side slightly. "It's cute. You talk a lot,"
"I know, I can't get rid of this habit."
"You don't need to, I like it." Jaemin hums, shifting his position. "So about your roommate, he won't be back for the night?"
"Yeah, it's gonna be just us two." It's Mark's turn to snap his head towards Jaemin in lightning speed, stuttering over his words embarrassingly. "I meant, in a good way. Like the both of us alone but in a good way."
"I get you, silly." Jaemin suddenly yawns. "We'll watch a movie, have dinner and chat a little. A cute date."
"Did you not get a good night's sleep?"
Jaemin pauses for a split second before nodding. "Had a lot to think about. I was also ceiling gazing."
Mark tugs onto Jaemin's head gently, pulling him to rest his head on his shoulder. "You lent me yours yesterday. Now, I'm lending you mine. Sleep, pretty boy."
"Sweet talker,"
"You love it," Mark replies nonchalantly, closing his eyes.
Jaemin yawns again and gives in to the temptation of sleep, nuzzling his head into the crook of Mark's neck, resembling a cat. "I do,"
Mark couldn't help himself to not stare at Jaemin's natural pout as he slowly drifted to sleep. He pats Jaemin's fringe, lulling the younger with his soothing humming. The heaviness on his right side relieves Mark from his worry.
"You deserve better and so much more."
◑
Mark is walking as fast as he could, clutching a pile of papers in his arms. He has an assignment to pass to his lecturer in exactly 10 minutes and if he sprints fast enough, he can reach the building in no time.
Rounding off a corner, Mark spots two boys lounging on a metal bench and automatically hides behind the wall. He doesn't think he needs to stop by and say hi, considering they aren't even close and because of an ugly feeling blooming greatly in his chest.
He sighs, wanting to just leave as soon as possible when he catches a familiar name coming from the two.
"Does he want to see Jaemin?"
Jaemin? They can only mean one Jaemin.
"I don't know, Junnie. Jeno's being really all over the place. Did you know he hasn't been paying attention in class? Sometimes he forgets he even has classes and his classmate texts me to ask. It's worrying."
Renjun exhales frustratedly. "Did he talk to you about that night?"
"Technically, I'm not supposed to know about it, am I?" Donghyuck snorts, leaning back so he can rest his head on Renjun's lap. "Jeno doesn't bring it up but I know that's all he's been thinking of ever since."
"Do you think they got into a fight?"
"Why else would Jeno be acting this way if it wasn't? It probably hurt him,"
"They're still soulmates after all. Do you think Jaemin said something mean to him?" Renjun frowns as he nibbles his lower lip.
Donghyuck grabs his soulmate's hand, squeezing it tight. "Jeno didn't want us to see him when he got back. He locked himself in his room. I think he cried."
"This is bad for him. Can we–Do you think it's a good idea if we ask Jaemin to talk some sense into Jeno? Maybe he'll listen. I'm getting worried over him. He skips meals and when I went to visit him at the practice room,
Jisung looked mad at him while he was just blanking out." Renjun asks, combing Donghyuck's hair.
"...Talking to Jaemin? Do you seriously think Jaemin would want to see Jeno, much less us? It's a bad idea." Donghyuck scoffs. "He has his knight with him all the time. Remember Mark Lee?"
"Mark hyung is kind, right? Can we ask him to ask Jaemin?"
"I think that's even worse, Renjun. Pretty sure they're together or whatever. Plus, I don't think Jaemin cares about Jeno anymore." Donghyuck rolls his eyes.
"I doubt so, they're still soulmates. Though he really should reach out to Jeno now. I feel like we're slowly losing him. He's blaming himself for everything."
"It's not something we can really meddle in. We're Jeno's soulmates but Jaemin is Jeno's, so let's leave Jeno be for a day or two. If he gets worse…" Donghyuck trails off. "No, we'll cheer him up. Jaemin is the last thing he needs right now."
"You have a point. He gets so emotional whenever Jaemin is involved. It's better if we help him. I just can't believe Jaemin doesn't care. He doesn't even know what Jeno went through the past months." Renjun's lips tremble, tears springing onto his eyes.
Donghyuck sits back up and cradles Renjun's face in his hands. "Shh, don't concern yourself about this anymore, okay? It just makes us irritated."
"Jeno doesn't deserve this," Renjun frowns, letting his tears drop while Donghyuck calms his soulmate down with a hug and hushed whispers.
Mark leans his back against the wall, heaving a deep sigh. He feels anger pumping in his veins. It's not even about him or directed to him but he can feel the pain of their sharp words stabbing his heart over and over again.
This is a private (somehow if they weren't sitting in the middle of campus in public) conversation and Mark wonders how worse they could be if they were absolutely alone. Mark feels even miserable when he imagines if it wasn't him who heard the conversation but Jaemin. It's dreadful.
What would he think?
How would he react?
Mark is seething in anger, gritting his teeth harshly as he tries to hold back his temper. He's usually a pretty chill person, always calm and only seen frantic while panicking but he can't help the painful ache in his heart when Jaemin's sorrowful sobs and heartbreakingly crying face appear in his mind.
Jaemin doesn't deserve to be treated this way, even to his back.
Mark decides that he doesn't care anymore whether he's late to pass in his assignment. All he wants to do is give Jaemin the biggest hug and make him feel loved. He deserves this at least. Mark can do that for him.
◑
"You're acting weird."
Mark shakes his head, panting softly as he pulls the younger into his arms, wrapping his arms around his middle. "I'm not."
"You so are." Jaemin chuckles yet silently reciprocates the hug. He'll never pass the chance of a hug, especially one from Mark Lee. "What is it, hyung?"
"Why does it have to be something? Can't I just give you a hug?" Mark grumbles, perching his chin on top of Jaemin's shoulders.
"No but it's different. You practically came running after I told you where I am. Look at you!" Jaemin reaches out a hand to wipe away the sweat on Mark's temple. "You're sweating,"
"That's nothing."
"Stop with the nothing. I'll get mad," Jaemin threatens playfully.
"Jaemin-ah,"
"Mark hyung,"
"Why do you have to be such a strong person? You cry your heart out and that just makes you even stronger. I love that about you."
"...Hyung?"
"We haven't known each other for long but I'd do anything for you."
Jaemin melts in the hug, nosing Mark's neck as a silent thank you.
"I can't even thank you enough, hyung. You've been by my side through my worst and I appreciate that. You're someone I didn't expect I needed. Don't take this as me substituting you for someone else because you mean a lot more than that."
"I know," Mark presses a tender kiss to Jaemin's temple. "I know,"
"You should tone down the excessive public display of affection in campus, hyungs."
The two separate in a blink of an eye yet still hold each other at an arm's length.
"Jisung-ah," Jaemin beams, shoving Mark away and linking arms with the younger one. "It wasn't anything like that. Don't jump into conclusions."
"Yeah. right. And here I thought I was gonna have you for lunch all by myself." Jisung says, stressing on the last three words as he fixes his gaze on Mark.
Mark gulps down a lump of saliva, clearing his throat awkwardly. "I wasn't trying to take your Jaemin hyung away from you."
"Oh, so you do agree Jaemin hyung is mine?"
Mark blinks repeatedly, a deep frown appears on his face. "He's his own person, Jisung and I know you know how much he loves you. So, you better not take advantage of his love."
Jisung flushes red, either out of embarrassment of getting called out or of rage. "Of course! I'm sick of him but I would never, ever trade him for the world. He's my one and only Jaemin hyung."
Jaemin palms his face in shame. "You two embarrass me. I might just ditch you and call Chenle up."
"I did though?" Jisung replies, puzzled.
"What? I thought it was supposed to be a Jaemin Jisung day!" Jaemin whines, shaking Jisung's arm annoyingly.
"Well, let's change it up and make it a Jaemin Jisung Chenle day." Jisung shrugs indifferently.
"And Mark?" Owner of said name raises his hand slightly, looking hopeful.
Jisung and Jaemin exchange looks then Jaemin sucks in a breath.
"Fine, only because I like you." Jisung mumbles, crossing his arms against his chest. "You are already a part of us anyway. Jaemin hyung will cry if I make you leave."
Jaemin lands a few light slaps to Jisung's arm as the latter only yelps in pain but doesn't even make a move to run away. "I would not!"
"So will," Jisung mentally rolls his eyes at Jaemin while tugging Mark closer. "C'mon. We're getting food."
◑
"I know it's still Summer but choosing to drink outside at night is kind of cold, Jaemin-ah."
After grabbing a meal together and playing around for almost three hours, Jisung and Chenle went home, leaving the two oldest together and they decided to hang out at Jaemin's rooftop as usual.
Jaemin looks at Mark with his signature pout and Mark, ever so weak for the younger, gives in easily. "But we do this all the time, hyung." Jaemin whines cutely.
"That was before Autumn,"
Jaemin pouts even more prominently. Mark wonders how exactly Jaemin does it and why it always works on him.
"If you get sick, it's your fault."
"It's okay. I have someone to take care of me then," Jaemin shrugs innocently.
"Oh? Who could that be?" Mark teases, wiggling his eyebrows playfully. "Whoever wants to take care of such a troubling big baby, hm?"
Jaemin puffs out his cheeks, sending an unimpressed glare to Mark while the other only grins, completely endeared by Jaemin.
Mark eyes Jaemin's clothes and pokes his sleeve. "You're wearing our couple hoodie,"
"You are too though. You keep on wearing this hoodie."
"Because it's comfortable," Mark replies casually.
"Hyung, do you like it that much?"
"I like you that much,"
Jaemin blows out a raspberry. "Sweet talker,"
"This may sound corny but I do this only for you," Mark takes a chug of his drink.
"You know," Jaemin starts. "I never really liked drinking. It made me queasy and I hated the taste." he eyes the drink in his hand in distaste. "Still do,"
"Then why are you drinking now?"
"Someone used to tell me drinking makes them forget. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to forget anything. At least, not for now. I just–for a moment, I don't want those memories to haunt me. I don't want to think of them." Jaemin smiles sadly. "And drinking is the best way for it."
Mark sighs softly, sitting up and putting down his drink. "Don't drink too much, Jaem. It's not good,"
Jaemin leans in, chuckling as he replies. "You drink more than me, hyung. I know you do."
Mark shrugs his shoulders, half-heartedly acknowledging the fact about his drinking habits.
"How are you feeling?"
"Peachy," Jaemin giggles. "But jittery, I guess. What about you?"
"Melony," Mark replies seriously and Jaemin blinks twice before laughing out loud, realizing what he means.
"Dork, you didn't have to reference a fruit for it." Jaemin pokes Mark on the forearm. "But it's cute so I'll let it go."
"You think everything is cute."
"No, I don't!"
"Yes, you do."
"No,"
"Yeah," Mark challenges. "And I can prove it to you."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah," Mark scrunches his face in the ugliest way possible yet it only makes him look adorable, earning a loud coo from Jaemin.
"Cute!" Jaemin cups Mark's right cheek, tapping it softly. "This is cute, not ugly. Anyone will agree with me,"
"You just like me that much," Mark mumbles, leaning his head onto Jaemin's palm. Jaemin is tipsy, so no wonder he's acting a little weirder, a little wilder.
"Maybe I do," Jaemin giggles, brushing their noses together.
Mark freezes once he registers in his drunk mind how close they were. He can see the speckles in Jaemin's bright eyes tinged with mischief and cheekiness. He can see all the imperfections from the short distance which he finds them much more endearing. Instinctively, his eyes darts lower. Lower than he's supposed to.
Jaemin is not any different than Mark is, lowering his gaze painfully slowly as if counting down the seconds to what he's about to do. His tongue pokes out to lick his lips nervously. Jaemin meets Mark's gaze again and he feels his heart rate quicken. Everything about Mark Lee is mesmerizing to Jaemin. From his bright eyes to his quirky smile.
They can feel each other's warm breath alongside the cold weather. It's only a matter of time until their lips could touch.
They're playing a dangerous game right now.
Driven by his drunken state, Jaemin stumbles forward a bit and meets soft lips against his own. He shuts his eyes, letting them linger for a few beats before both of them part away, noses still brushing.
It doesn't have the magical feeling like the ones shared between soulmates. It doesn't feel electrifying like how soulmates' kisses are. It doesn't feel like puzzle pieces finally matching perfectly.
Yet, it feels ten–no, hundreds–no, millions time better than their soulmate kisses.
Is it because it's not their destiny but what they make it to be? Maybe.
The two stare soundlessly at each other, getting lost in each other's eyes while Mark, with the sudden urge of confidence, brushes his lips ever so lightly with Jaemin's ones. They stay that way for what feels like forever.
Well, until a sudden eruption of fireworks out of nowhere startles them both from their drunk trance, immediately making ample space between them. Jaemin turns to the luminous sky decorated with glittering flickers of the fireworks. Mark, on the other hand, still quite in a daze, looks at Jaemin's face illuminated by the dazzling colours in the sky.
Deep inside, both of them feel a shift in their hearts. Jaemin tries not to let it show on his face but his heart is racing as if he ran a marathon and even while drunk, the brief taste of Mark's lips engraves itself in his mind. Mark only hopes for a tomorrow where the memories of tonight will remain.
It's not exactly something impossible.
◑
Jaemin thinks he's fairly attractive, having received a few confessions from girls in high school and some from boys. He's received a number of love letters which could rival Jeno's considering his soulmate slash best friend is one of the most sought out boys in school at the time–good looks, well mannered, kind, smart and athletic.
A literal perfect boy.
Hence, Jaemin isn't surprised if anyone harbors a crush on the said boy and this includes him himself. It's even harder for a Lee Jeno's best friend when he's always unsure and certain that Jeno will never, ever reciprocate his feelings. Although they were pretty sure they were each other's soulmates, it doesn't mean they have to date and be attached romantically.
Grandma Lee has told them enough stories of platonic soulmates and romantic ones whenever they were curious as kids that Jaemin thinks they can never be more than involved platonically.
Na Jaemin is Lee Jeno's best friend, after all.
It comes as a surprise to Jaemin when Jeno comes sneaking to his room one day months before graduation at an hour his parents were asleep and Jaemin is supposed to if Jeno didn't wake him up so suddenly. That night ends up being a night Jaemin will never forget in his life, even if the future ends up bleak and breaks them apart, that moment is etched into his memory forever.
He remembers trembling hands, a shaky voice and a nervous confession from Jeno who looks at him like he's the moon and Jaemin–he's always looked at Jeno in that way. He remembers soft, awkward kisses being shared and warmth throughout his sleep. His best sleep in years.
Jaemin thinks he's fairly attractive which means he's technically above average, at most if Jeno isn't lying whenever he tells him he's the prettiest boy he's ever seen. Then, why is it none of Jeno's soulmates seem to be attracted to him, physically at least.
He's aware they aren't romantically or emotionally attracted, much less bonded, so he expects his looks to be a push for them to accept Jaemin into their lives. If they could accept Jeno as their other soulmate and vice versa, they can accept Jaemin as Jeno's soulmate. He at least deserves that.
It's a soulmates night and Jeno and Jaemin are at Renjun and Donghyuck's place. It's not the first time Jaemin has been here since he once had to send Jeno a change of clothes because he chose to spend the night there when it was already too late to go back home.
Truthfully, Jaemin doesn't think he's invited but Jeno probably convinced them to let him come. So, there he was, sitting on the sofa awkwardly as they turned on a random movie. At least, he has Jeno beside him. Maybe they should've checked the content of the movie then they would know the actual rating of it.
Jaemin gasps silently, leaning back on the sofa in reflex. He glances at the other three and sees them looking even more focused, eyes darkening slightly. When the actress in the movie starts to moan, Jaemin feels his face burn and he covers his face with one hand.
It's not my first time watching porn but how can they be so cool with this?
At a particularly lewd scene, Jaemin feels oddly embarrassed and clears his throat. He didn't really mean to peek but his ears caught on fire when he saw the tent in their pants. Jaemin is too occupied over feeling ashamed that he wasn't even watching the movie properly.
Jaemin shifts in his seat, trying to block out the images he just saw. He's completely fine with seeing Jeno hard—heck, even the first time he did in public, Jaemin was there with him. Well, Jaemin was the reason he did in the first place. But seeing other people is a different thing.
Once the movie credits appear, a pregnant silence fills the room. Jeno abruptly stands up, faking a cough.
"T-toilet," He stutters and rushes to the toilet to relieve himself. Jaemin holds back a chuckle at how cute he looks as he struggles to walk. He's about to follow Jeno before Donghyuck beats him to it.
Donghyuck grins evilly. "Me too, toilet." He sends a knowing look to Renjun who visibly deflates and gives his soulmate the middle finger. "Have fun, baby. Jaemin would gladly help, right?"
Jaemin raises his eyebrows in shock at the mention of his name. He points to himself, mouthing me. "Uh–I–" he doesn't get to say much before Donghyuck is out of his sight. He stares at the wall for a few seconds then turns to Renjun who clears his throat.
"Um–sorry about Hyuck. He gets like that. He's always...horny." Renjun trails off, nibbling on his bottom lip. "Do you–can we–" Renjun inches closer to Jaemin. "Just for a while?"
Jaemin gulps down nervously. He's always been known as the more confident one in flirting when he's actually the shyer one and even if he is the first to initiate anything, Jeno is the one who assures him and takes the lead after. It makes Jaemin calmer and assured whenever Jeno makes sure Jaemin is comfortable with whatever they do but now, Jaemin feels pressured to treat Renjun well, not just because he's Jeno's soulmate but also because their relationship could probably blossom into something more.
Jaemin nods hesitantly as Renjun sits even closer, their knees touching and closes his eyes as if waiting for Jaemin to make the first move. Jaemin takes in a deep breath. It's his first time kissing someone other than Jeno and his nerves are making him even more antsy.
He slowly leans in but Renjun opens his eyes once he's close enough. Jaemin thinks it's because he took too much time. He wonders if Renjun is turned off by it yet he's caught off guard when Renjun confidently cups Jaemin's cheeks and smashes their lips together.
It feels foreign. Their kiss is. Nothing about it felt right. It does feel nice–the feeling of a normal kiss. The soft sensual touch of lips but it's only that. Jaemin tries to get rid of his thoughts and exert a touch of effort into the kiss.
Until Renjun abruptly pulls away with a stuttered gasp.
"No–No, this doesn't feel right. This is not it. No—I-it's wrong."
Jaemin doesn't think anything can break his heart more than someone kissing him and saying how wrong it was to kiss him right to his face. His throat constricts uncomfortably while his lungs feel like it took a blow right in the center. And all he could think of in this situation is the pain crushing, breaking, smashing his heart into shattered pieces.
"I'm sorry, Jaemin. I shouldn't have kissed you." Renjun mumbles guiltily, stepping back immediately, leaving a wide space between them while Jaemin remains in his spot, unmoving, motionless.
It shouldn't hurt much since they weren't soulmates but how could it not break Jaemin's heart when all he's tried to do is to be accepted into their bunch like he's not some outcast between the three soulmates?
Like he's not a sore thumb?
Like he's unneeded?
Like he's not the odd one out?
All he's ever wanted is to feel loved.
◑
A loud horrible groan is heard in the quiet of the room. The culprit being Na Jaemin, 21 years old, hungover and with a fresh recollection of last night's most fascinating event.
"Na Jaemin, Na Jaemin. Na Jaemin, you absolute idiot!" He bites his blanket while pulling it at the same time. "How in the world did that happen?"
Jaemin wraps his blanket over his head and whines like a child. "And why? For why do I have such a great memory for this? I can't remember simple Maths formulas but I remember every single thing when I'm drunk?"
Jaemin rolls around in his bed, his blanket tucking him in like a burrito. "Why?!"
He stops moving when he feels a surge of pain on his head, softly laying back down on the bed on his stomach. He scrunches his face in frustration. Just what had happened to drunk Na Jaemin that he thought doing that thing was appropriate?
A finger comes up to caress his own lips. Jaemin gets goosebumps when he recalls the way Mark's nose bumped into his and his own lashes fluttering against Mark's cheekbones.
When they shared the most intense stare Jaemin has ever had in forever.
When their lips briefly touch, yet Jaemin doesn't regret it.
He can't help but wonder how even with the odds of them not being soulmates, Jaemin likes the kiss, a whole lot. It's a kiss he genuinely likes. Even if he was drunk out of his mind.
A happy giggle escapes his mouth as he nibbles on his bottom lip. "We kissed," Another giggle. "We kissed!" Giggles. "We actually kissed!"
His delighted bubble pops when the thought of Mark not remembering anything from last night enters his brain. What if? It's not like Mark has the same ability as him that he would remember every detail when he's drunk.
I am—
"The stupidest,"
Jaemin grumbles sulkily, his mood dampened over the bad thought and a string of curses is heard under his breath as he gets out of his room, blanket still wrapped tightly around his body. He makes his way to the kitchen and decides to restart his day with a cup of soothing coffee.
He doesn't really care about his hangover, not when it didn't make him lose memories of last night. So, he's going to do whatever he wants without a care.
Turning around with a warm cup of coffee in his hand, Jaemin jumps in his spot when he sees a lump of something–a person?–on his sofa. He blinks his eyes, hoping his sleep wears off and his sight is a hundred percent right.
Wait w-w-why is Mark hyung sleeping there?
Jaemin glances at the time and notes he doesn't have class until noon and it was still 9.30 in the morning. If he recalls correctly, Mark's class today starts at 11.45am. Jaemin heads to the sofa and notices Mark taking the whole sofa to himself, so he decides to sit on the floor in front instead.
Taking small sips of his coffee, Jaemin spends his remaining time getting a good look at Mark's sleeping face. As usual, Mark always looks peaceful when he sleeps. It's endearing. His mind eventually runs wild when his eyes somehow end up on Mark's lips.
A crimson blush creeps its way to his face and Jaemin feels his insides burn. Patting his warm cheek, he whines softly. The memory from last night passes through his mind like a scene from a movie. He remembers soft lips on soft lips. The soft lips in front of him now. He remembers sincere, dark eyes boring into him. The eyes that are fortunately still closed because Jaemin doesn't know how to react if Mark is awake.
A few minutes pass and Jaemin doesn't have the heart to wake up Mark once he registers the reason why Mark is currently sleeping on his sofa. He is embarrassed of himself for begging Mark to stay the night, even going as far as inviting him to his bed but thankfully, Mark is, by a tiny margin, more sane than Jaemin was. So, he chose to sleep on the sofa after tucking Jaemin to sleep.
Feeling sleepy even after having coffee, Jaemin sets an alarm at 10.15am so he'll hopefully wake up Mark later. He rests his head on top of his crossed arms on his knees, cheek squished in between. Soon, his eyelids flutter drowsily and his breathing softens, falling into sleep again.
Jaemin wakes up to a soft touch on his forehead, squinting his eyes as he adapts to the sunlight. He groans sleepily, asking the time in a raspy voice. He hears a chuckle and turns to his side to almost fall down on the floor face flat if not for Mark holding him back.
"Good morning, sleepyhead."
Jaemin blinks slowly, regaining his consciousness as he sits down cross legged on the sofa. He wonders how he got on the sofa in the first place.
"...Mornin',"
"Sorry I woke you up, my class starts in a while and I got to run now. I didn't know if I should wake you up or not but you already are, so make sure you lock the door, alright?" Mark reminds Jaemin while the younger nods drowsily.
"Good luck for today, hyung." Jaemin mumbles, voice muffled a little from his blanket. "I'll see you out, gimme a second."
"Oh, no. Just go back to sleep. I can–" Jaemin glares at him and Mark is quite intimidated even with the cute bed hair atop his head. "Okay, c'mon."
Mark holds out his hand and Jaemin accepts it as he's pulled up to his feet. Mark bites down a coo at how adorable Jaemin looks rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. Mark heads to the door with Jaemin in tow, hand in hand.
"This is my stop,"
Jaemin smiles, nodding as he tightens his hold on his blanket. "Safe trip, hyung."
"You too later. See you soon?"
"See you,"
Jaemin is abruptly startled when Mark comes close and tiptoes to land a peck on the crown of his head. "U-um. Goodbye kiss? Yeah, yep. That's it. I'll see you. Go back to sleep, kay?"
Jaemin doesn't think he can go back to sleep after that sudden kiss. Mark just kissed him on his head, not while drunk, while he's sober and he actually admits it as a goodbye kiss? Jaemin feels like he's on cloud nine already.
"Hyung," Jaemin calls and Mark freezes when he brushes his lips against Mark's cheekbone in a blink of an eye. "Goodbye...kiss. Okay, bye now. For real."
Mark has a dreamy grin as he wears his shoes, sparing a last glance at an embarrassed Jaemin before leaving.
Jaemin faces the wall and rests his head on it with a small thud. "You're acting like a newbie in love, Na Jaemin. You can do better than this,"
And better will Jaemin do.
◑
Jaemin doesn't really take Mark as a romantic type of person despite him spewing all types of sweet talking and corny jokes because that's all that. He doesn't think their dates could be counted as romantic enough but he likes it that way. He likes how casual their dates seem as if they're hanging out. He knows Mark would never pressure him and he won't do the same to him either.
It's potentially Jaemin's second relationship and Mark's next one after they lost their soulmates. Hence, the reason as to why they're taking things slow and carefully. Afraid of going over the boundaries. Afraid of what's to come. Afraid of hurting again.
Yet Jaemin is still Na Jaemin, deep inside. The Na Jaemin that is known to be confident, flirty and a natural attention catcher.
But Mark is just Mark Lee, sincere and genuine. With both words and his actions. So, anything Jaemin tries to pull off, Mark manages to reverse it, rendering Jaemin in a much worse flustered state.
But Jaemin doesn't hate it.
It's not often Jaemin pretties himself up. Okay, he does it pretty often. Though ever since he's gone from boyfriend to boyfriendless and to boyfriend-to-be, it's his first time in a while to get all pretty. It gets him excited to dress up and to see the reaction to his look.
As expected, Mark Lee never fails to amuse Jaemin with his expressive eyes and the quirk in his smile when they see each other at their promised spot. It was cute that Mark usually picks Jaemin up for their date but it's nice to meet at a set time somewhere else other than Jaemin's apartment or Mark's place.
"You're early," Jaemin says once he reaches.
Mark really wasn't. Jaemin is just late, as usual.
"And you're on time." Mark takes a quick scan of Jaemin's appearance, eyes shining upon noticing how cute he looks. "You look good,"
Jaemin's cheeks are tinted pink as he links his arms with Mark. "You too, Handsome."
"So, you told me not to expect anything for today but I know you prepared lots and I cannot not look forward to it." Mark mentions, hands casually slipping down to lace their hands together.
It feels nice. Holding hands, that is. Especially Jaemin's. It's warm and nice and despite their small height difference with Jaemin towering over him by a few inches, their hand sizes are almost the same.
It feels extremely nice.
Jaemin whines, swinging their hands subconsciously. "Aw, hyung! I told you not. You can't anticipate anything, alright? At the end, you'll get disappointed and it'll be meaningless."
"Nothing can be meaningless when you put in effort and time. Look, if things don't go your way, it doesn't mean you failed. Life's like that."
Jaemin pouts, half ignoring what Mark says because he doesn't want the other to see how nervous he is for their date. It's been a while since Jaemin went on a date and he's clearly excited for this date, having made his own research about some hot spots for dates.
Maybe it's because it's been a long time of not going out on any dates whatsoever that none of his plans are working.
The first thing off the list he planned is to go eat an early lunch at a Korean restaurant but maybe his eyes were playing him when he looked it up on the Internet last night because in reality, the place had already been closed down.
Jaemin turns to Mark with a frown and Mark, not wanting to see a sad Jaemin no more, suggests to go eat at another restaurant around the corner. It doesn't make the frown go away but the food was delicious enough to make Mark burp embarrassingly and Jaemin hiccuping out of surprise. Their early lunch ends in joyed laughter and crinkled eyes.
The next thing on Jaemin's list is to eat, again. Delicacies though, it'll be fine he thinks. So, he prays this one will work yet all the two have been doing is walking around the same area more than three times already.
"You sure this is the place?"
"I'm not a map expert but I know it should be here." Jaemin clicks his tongue, showing his phone to Mark. Mark examines the map, humming a random tune and chuckling after.
"Jaemin-ah, this is located in Incheon. We're in Seoul, you baby."
Jaemin slumps down, sighing dramatically as he pockets his phone. "I'm sorry. This sucks. I really don't know what I'm doing. You must be tired from walk–"
"Do you like cake?"
"–ing. Huh? Cake?"
"Yeah, cake."
"Well, as long as there's not much milk or strawberries, I like them. Although I think bitter ones like tiramisu are my favouri–"
"Great!" Mark tugs on Jaemin's arm and they break into a small run. "I know just the perfect place."
Mark isn't the least right because it was far from perfect. The place is small and the line is particularly long while the sun is out right on top of them. The moment they finally get in front, Jaemin is sweating buckets and the air condition from inside is blasting away which comforts him.
Sadly, Jaemin doesn't get to eat his tiramisu cake but he does get his go-to coffee and it cheers him up a little after his two failed plans. Mark feeds him the raspberries and peaches in his cake and they finish it accompanied by small talk. Jaemin realizes this later in the night that Mark isn't exactly a fan of cakes with fruits.
"So, where to now?" Mark asks once they step out of the crowded dessert shop.
Jaemin groans. "Just forget my plan. I'm pretty sure the rest is going to end up the same."
"You never know until you try," Mark pokes Jaemin's cheek.
"It's just…" Jaemin sighs, "Stupid,"
"I told you, Jaemin." Mark gives him a reassuring squeeze to his hand. "Nothing is stupid when you put in effort. You may think like that but I think it's brave and courageous, you know? It makes you seem cool."
"I hate that you always have a way to make things sound so fine."
"I don't," Mark whines cutely. "It's true. Even if you think it sucks, I can say this is one of my best dates."
"You're lying," Jaemin deadpans.
"I'm not," Mark shakes his head, laughing slightly. "Come on, where to now?"
Jaemin checks his list and pauses for a few seconds. "You're not...going to like it."
"I dare you,"
Jaemin huffs as he drags Mark with him to their next destination. He's dreading of this and hopes at least this one won't be as bad as his first two plans.
"You brought me to a…" Mark glances at Jaemin with a small smile. "Ice-skating rink?"
Jaemin nods hesitantly. "It's not the best idea and I'm not really good at it but I thought that–" Jaemin's voice gets lower. "Would be fun."
"I'm sure it will! C'mon."
They get ready quite fast considering Jaemin's sudden reluctance in entering because he thinks it'll end up a disaster and Mark, he just hopes he'll survive at the end since he has little to zero experience being on ice.
It's Jaemin who steps into the rink first, casually as if he's always been on ice. He's already a few steps in front when he notices Mark isn't with him so he turns back.
Mark seems caught off guard by Jaemin's gaze full of wonder and he slowly heads inside the rink cautiously. Jaemin waits for him by the side, leaning against the barrier and realizes something.
"Is it...your first time, hyung?"
Mark blushes red, sputtering a no despite his whole face answering a blatant yes.
Jaemin chuckles, continuing to watch Mark struggle to stand still while he looks around embarrassedly.
"Is it obvious?" Mark squeaks, looking small and unsure and Jaemin just wants to wrap him up in his arms.
"A little but it's okay!" Jaemin holds out his hands, beaming. "You'll be fine. I'm right here."
Mark stares at Jaemin's outstretched hands then to his smiling face then back to his hands. He sighs, swallowing down his pride of making a fool out of himself and reaches over. Before he could do so, a child around the age of ten skates by him, startling Mark and he eventually stumbles down to the floor with a loud thud.
The sound catches some of the others' attention and Mark's face catches on fire while Jaemin scurries to his side.
"Are you okay, hyung?" Jaemin crouches down to his level.
"I-I'm fine." Mark replies, faking a smile and Jaemin smiles back apologetically. "That was a kid, wasn't it?"
"Yeah,"
"And they're better than me." Mark grumbles, slowly getting back up.
"You don't get good at it on the first try." Jaemin smiles. "It's with a lot of practice."
"You're going to help me, right?"
"Of course, big boy! Here," Jaemin stretches out his hands again and Mark takes them hastily, afraid he'll embarrass himself again. "It's easy to stay on ice. You just need to find your balance and I'm pretty sure you have a good core, so you'll be skating round this rink in no time."
"Please don't let go," Mark mumbles, squeezing Jaemin's hands unconsciously. He has his eyes shut in slight fear and Jaemin is nothing but endeared at the sight. Jaemin squeezes back and slowly, they start to move on ice.
"You trust me, hyung?"
"I don't have much choice right now, do I?"
"Do you?" Jaemin urges and Mark nods, finally opening his eyes only to be met with Jaemin's warm, fond gaze as he's being pulled by the younger. "Good choice,"
Mark chuckles nervously. "I'm actually skating,"
"You are,"
"I'm skating!"
"You are!" Jaemin laughs, happy that Mark looks happy. "We'll spin around the rink, how's that?"
"Uh," Mark tugs Jaemin close, startling the other from how close they are by their shoulders touching gently. "I guess we can do that."
"You almost got it, hyung. One round and I'll let you be. As long as you find your balance, you'll be fine."
For the whole lap, Mark doesn't try to let go of Jaemin as he's entirely focused on nailing his ice-skating skills while Jaemin watches him warmly. He has a somewhat fatherly smile, proud of Mark's improvement for only stepping in the rink for the first time.
Discreetly, Jaemin untangles their hands and lets Mark skate by himself with him a meter in front. Mark notes that Jaemin is almost a professional by how calm and steady he is on ice and also because he has been skating backwards just so he can face Mark the whole time.
"Are you having fun?" Jaemin asks, finally letting go of Mark and putting his arms behind him.
"Yeah, I think I'm pretty much getting the hang of this." Mark grins, meeting Jaemin's eyes. "I have a pretty great teacher,"
"Pretty or great?" Jaemin teases, slowing his pace so he can skate beside Mark.
"Pretty and great."
Jaemin's cheeks flush a light shade of red as he looks to the side to avoid Mark's gaze. It's clearly not his first time receiving a compliment, especially about his looks but the way Mark tells him with the most genuine eyes and sincerest smile makes him feel things. Unusual yet familiar ones.
Whilst hiding his blushing face from Mark, Jaemin suddenly remembers a fond old memory about an ice-skating rink around his childhood home. He moves forward absentmindedly until he's almost near the barrier. Jaemin doesn't hear Mark's watch out! as he bumps into the barrier with a thump then stumbles back on his feet.
Miraculously Jaemin falls down without hitting his head on the ice. The moment he opens his eyes from the fall, he sees Mark's worried expression and now, he feels his head protectively cushioned by Mark's hand.
"Are you okay?"
Jaemin is pulled up to sit and his bum isn't as cold as he thought it would and it would seem very cringey if he says it out loud but he feels warm just from the attention Mark gives. The other checks his body for any injuries and Jaemin stutters an I'm okay, easing Mark's worry.
"You scared me there, Jaem. You weren't responding when I called out and the next thing I know you were running straight into the barrier."
"I know, I know. Wait–I didn't but I know." Jaemin sighs in relief and catches his breath. He gives Mark an assuring smile and cups his face. "You caught me right on time, hyung. You have really good reflexes."
Mark frowns at how Jaemin tries to change the topic and brings a hand to hold onto Jaemin's. "I do have fast reflexes."
A sharp gasp escapes Jaemin's lips, holding onto Mark's hand and examining it. "You're bleeding. Oh no, oh no. I told you this was a bad idea. Oh no. Now, you're hurt. We shouldn't have gone here. Oh no. Look at you! Look at this!"
"Hey, at least you're okay. You could've had a concussion back there. This is practically nothing." Mark flexes his hand, wincing when he overexerts his movements.
"This is really not how I plan it to be." Jaemin grumbles, rubbing his face in frustration. "It was supposed to be a sweet and fun date! Not a horrible and stressing one."
"It's not. I told you. I'm enjoying this, aren't you?" Mark asks and Jaemin's frown deepens. "Okay, firstly, maybe we shouldn't freeze our asses. Secondly, the day is still long, Jaem."
The two end up leaving the ice-skating rink earlier than Jaemin planned, dampening his mood and proving that all his plans failed. Jaemin is sulky throughout their way back home, still thinking it was their worst date despite officially being their first after getting kind of official.
When they reach Jaemin's apartment and he still has a small frown on his lips, Mark squishes his cheeks playfully. Jaemin's initial frown breaks into a giggle then to a cute scowl because Mark hadn't stopped squishing his cheeks.
"I enjoyed today,"
"You're just saying that,"
"I'm not!" Mark whines. "I really did and it's not as bad as you think it is. Really."
"Really?"
"Really,"
"Really really?"
"Really really,"
"Really really really?"
"Really really really,"
Jaemin blows out a raspberry, nodding nonchalantly and turns to look at his building. "Do you want to come up? I could cook you dinner? As compensation for our shitty–" Mark frowns and Jaemin corrects himself. "Amazingly wonderful date today,"
The two of them end up having dinner and as usual, as if tradition, they find themselves at the rooftop by the floor. Though unlike previous times with the gap between them, Jaemin braves himself to have his side glued to Mark's, radiating off his warmth.
"I would tell you about the stars but I feel like you already know whatever it is I'm going to say."
Jaemin chuckles, glancing at Mark. "I don't mind, hyung. You can talk about anything and I'll still listen."
"It's okay if you fall asleep, you know? You must've exhausted yourself this whole day."
"Yeah and all for this date to go wrong in every way." Jaemin points to Mark's bandaged hand. "You even got injured earlier, because of me."
"Tell me the truth. Did someone tell you that your plans are the worst or what? Why do you keep putting yourself down like that? I wasn't lying earlier. It's quite literally one of my best dates ever and I'm just glad I got to spend the whole day with you."
"Sweet talker,"
"I know," Mark props himself up on his elbow while Jaemin turns to face him. Mark tucks a few strands of hair behind Jaemin's ear. "You look cute this way."
Jaemin snorts, pressing himself down on their blanket until his left cheek is squished. "You're cuter. Plus your spidey senses earlier was interesting."
Mark pokes his finger on Jaemin's cheek. "Do you like that?"
"Like what?"
"That I'm fast with my hands."
They stare in full silence before erupting into loud laughter.
"I guess so," Jaemin shrugs. "And I guess today wasn't that bad. It's just been some time since my last date and I got quite nervous for today. I wanted it to be perfect but you saw what happened."
"How do you define perfect, Jaem?"
"Huh? Well, perfect in the sense that I shouldn't mess up like I did with all the three plans for today."
"And?"
"It was always easy, you know? I know I shouldn't be talking about him, especially not with you. But it was always easy with him. It's not like it's hard with you but I feel like I need to make it perfect? Amazing? Memorable? Because I–" Jaemin sucks in a breath sharply. "I don't want to be forgotten."
Mark softens and places Jaemin's arm around his own waist, inching closer so their foreheads touch. "How could I forget the person that makes me happy just with the mention of their name? From seeing your name on my latest chat? From seeing you smile over the simplest stuff? From seeing you frown whenever things don't go your way? From seeing your eyes sparkle when you talk about things you love?"
"Hyung,"
"You make me happy, Jaem. Really really happy. The happiest I've been in so long and I think I'm falling. Hard and deep. Is this too fast?"
"I–I don't know,"
"You don't need to worry though. It's not easy with me just means that you really want to make this work, right? That you're being careful and exerting more effort so it'll be perfect. That's enough. That's enough for me."
Jaemin's lips tremble from how sweet Mark has been to him and he wants nothing else than to kiss the other senseless. Mark presses a chaste peck to Jaemin's cheekbone, letting his lips linger there. Jaemin's hand flies to Mark's shoulder, seizing a fistful of his shirt.
Fluttering his eyes close, Jaemin holds his breath when Mark leaves kisses along his cheeks to his jaw then to the corner of his mouth.
He pulls away, cupping Jaemin's cheek to make the other look at him. "May I?"
Jaemin giggles, finding the slight tension from before disappearing and he whispers a yes, leaning forward to capture Mark's lips against his.
This. This seems right. It seems about right, not yet perfect and might not be. But this. It makes Jaemin think; it's not that bad. Mark Lee isn't. And he's willing to try.
◑
It was 9 years ago and Jeno and Jaemin were already inseparable.
They were twelve, childish and a bit too young for such a heavy conversation but Grandma Lee always had a knack for giving advice in the easiest way to understand. Jeno's been through that for all his twelve years.
They were twelve, childish and a bit too prideful over the instinct that they are soulmates even from their young age. That they knew they were going to stay by each other's side until their last breath. That they could live happily ever after. That they were each other's forever.
They were twelve, childish and a bit too hasty when they promised themselves silly.
"Jeno-ya, make wise choices, my child. Do not end up like your old grandma now."
"Like what? You have a happy family. You have beautiful kids and grandchildren. You are happy, granny." Jeno replies, determined.
Jaemin, beside him with his innocent doe eyes, nods enthusiastically to his best friend's words.
Grandma Lee shakes her head with a wistful look on her wrinkled face. "Soulmates aren't something you can play around and be with whoever makes you comfortable. You may end up with more than one soulmate too."
Jeno lets out a shock gasp to that. "You can't be serious, granny! How can someone have more than one? I don't think I can. Jaemin is the only one for me,"
Jaemin gets red in the face as he punches Jeno's bicep lightly. "Shh,"
"Jeno, my child. You don't know that yet. Fate can pull their cards on you randomly. You might be soulmates with Jaeminnie but you must know, not all soulmates have to end up married."
Jeno lets out a confused sound next. "What does that mean? If we're soulmates, we're bound to love! Why are we soulmates if we don't marry each other?" Jaemin stares at the old lady curiously.
Grandma Lee takes Jeno and Jaemin's hands gently. "It can happen. It can happen to anyone. Can happen to you. Can happen to you too. Had happened to me before."
"What–?"
"Your grandpa, Jeno. He—He has another soulmate. He loves his soulmate very much and I let him go."
"That's stupid! How come he left you, Granny? That's unfair. He already loves you then decides he's not in love anymore?"
Jaemin frowns. Seeing Jeno riled up makes him feel terrible too. He looks expectantly at Grandma Lee.
"No, it's not like that." Grandma Lee pats the pouting children's backs. "You know, soulmates can be classified into platonic soulmates and romantic ones. You're still young so you might not understand the difference perfectly. If you're really lucky, you would have the same soulmate, platonically and romantically but Granny here, she's like everyone else. Your grandpa, he noticed that we were platonic soulmates after a few years of marriage. He found out he has another soulmate and luckily for him, they turned out to be romantic soulmates."
"What happened then?" Jeno asks, frowning slightly as he holds his grandmother's trembling hand.
"He tried to work it out with me at first and things happened. At the end, he chose to be with his other soulmate and I think–I think he's happier now, happiest even!"
The little frown on young Jeno remains as he reaches out a hand to wipe the lone tear escaping Grandma Lee's eye. "If he's happy, then why aren't you?"
"I am happy, Jeno-ya."
"I really hope I don't get more than one soulmate and have to make a choice like that." Jeno says firmly, locking eyes with his best friend.
"You're right. It would be painful if soulmates have to choose between the two."
Grandma Lee doesn't say anything further, only ruffling her grandson's hair affectionately. "You can change your fate but not your soulmates, remember that."
Grandma Lee visits Jeno in his room that night as she tucked him into bed. "Your future is complicated, my child. Forgive me for not being able to help you. Just please, be careful of who you choose to love. I don't want you hurting yourself or your poor soulmate then."
For Grandma Lee has secrets of her own–one is her ability to see a glimpse of the future.
◑
It's not like Jeno hasn't noticed.
It's Jaemin. Of course, he does. He notices everything about the younger whether unconsciously or not. Yet he thinks of nothing when he decides to ignore the guilt in the pits of his stomach as he acts nonchalant at how uncomfortable Jaemin is whenever he mentions his two other soulmates or whenever they choose to hang out together.
Jeno knows Jaemin is the kindest person so he knows Jaemin doesn't dislike Renjun and Donghyuck, although he had the rights to. It did feel like Jeno was being stolen away from him and all Jaemin could do was watch it unfold in front of his eyes. Painfully and slowly. Unable to do anything to stop it.
It hurts Jeno.
It hurts him but the only thought in his mind is he has to figure out what Grandma Lee meant. He doesn't want to end up like his grandparents, separated and abandoned. He doesn't want to do that to Jaemin. Yet an ugly feeling inside him tells him he already has.
Jeno got along well with Renjun and Donghyuck. He likes how the two are a complete mix of fire and water and can blend together so well. He likes how he doesn't feel foreign with them and he knows it's definitely because of their soulmate bond. He starts to think he could have romantic attraction towards them two when they first shared kisses.
It felt weird at first.
Kissing others other than Jaemin.
Holding hands with others other than Jaemin.
Loving others other than Jaemin.
It was all so new to Jeno. So brandly new he doesn't know how to cope properly. He only knows he loves them all and it doesn't matter if they weren't equal. He loves them. He loves them.
But his love couldn't withstand the pure pain in Jaemin's eyes.
So, Jeno decides to ignore.
He chose to ignore.
He chose to not care.
He hasn't made a choice but with the constant avoiding and ditching he's done to Jaemin proves he has made the choice.
Either a choice he'll regret or not, he can't tell yet.
Jaemin is still his world, then, now and forever but with Renjun and Donghyuck in the picture, it feels a little thrown off considering Jaemin's lack of names on his skin which renders everything complicated.
Why does he have to make a choice?
Why can't he live however he's lived for the past years?
◑
Ditching Jaemin was a hard thing to do at first. He couldn't bear to imagine the crestfallen look on his face when he had to leave or cancel their plans. Especially because of pathetic reasons and petty decisions in wanting to explore.
Yes, Lee Jeno wants to explore.
He needs to explore.
In order to know his destined fate, he needs to explore. Get to know his choices. His options. God. It sounds awful when he puts it that way but it does seem like it.
He doesn't mean for Jaemin to feel left out. He doesn't mean to make Jaemin a second (or third, in this case) choice. He doesn't mean to make Jaemin feel so lonely. He doesn't mean to hurt his precious soulmate.
Because at the end of the day, Jaemin's pain is his own.
Yet it feels as if his heart turned into stone the moment he turned away from Jaemin. He can no longer feel Jaemin's pain in its full capacity. Is this the so-called soulmates curse? Where their bond is weakened. When they no longer care. When they no longer try to fix themselves.
Ditching Jaemin has become easy, the easiest thing Jeno's done for the past months. Telling the younger he had to go be with his two other soulmates and using them as his excuses seem to do the job.
And Jaemin, sweet kind Jaemin, gives in every single time. He lets Jeno leave. He lets Jeno run his pathetic excuses over and over again. He lets Jeno go see his soulmates when he himself needs him. He lets Jeno.
Maybe it was then Jeno realizes.
He had made a choice.
And it was most probably not Jaemin.
◑
Jeno dunks down his glass, slamming it harshly on the counter. His eyes are hazy and his thoughts even more. Ever since Grandma Lee's death, he's gotten worse at handling his emotions. Usually, he would go to Jaemin because everything with him seems a little better.
Everything with Jaemin always gets better.
Jeno used to confide in Jaemin for all his problems–pouring out his heart and feelings. All his doubts and insecurities to his hopes and ambition. It was always easy with Jaemin. His best friend. His soulmate. Platonic or not.
Everything with Jaemin always makes him feel better.
He knows he should be talking about his problem with Jaemin. He must talk it with his soulmate yet all the sirens in his head go off and he doesn't know if it's a good idea to confide in Jaemin a problem regarding the person himself.
"Platonic soulmates, my ass." Jeno hisses under his breath as he finishes another glass. "How do you even tell if one is platonic or not?"
It used to be so easy for Jeno.
He had the whole world in his arms. In his hand. Jaemin is his whole world, then, now and forever. He knows of this fact and nothing about it can change. It hurts him to even be thinking of a change to his world.
Yet the presence of two other names on his body tells him otherwise, his two precious soulmates that he only got to know recently. Jeno thinks it was a disaster deep inside. To be having two soulmates on top of one soulmate who didn't share the other two's names.
It was a catastrophe.
Their fate is.
Jeno used to think his fate was Jaemin. It still is, just with an addition of two others, Renjun and Donghyuck.
He remembers the day he first met them at the ice cream parlour because of Jaemin's craving for the sweet dessert. If only Jaemin didn't want ice cream, he could've avoided this. Could've avoided the whole mess. Yet sooner or later they would meet whether because of Jaemin or not. Now, everything is complicated.
His mind is a mess of decisions and the only solution to him is to drink. So, he drinks and drinks. He drinks until he forgets.
Jeno doesn't know how he got home but only that he managed to key in the password to their apartment. He stumbles his way in staggered steps before having familiar eyes enter his vision. He almost cries right then but his mind is all over the place.
Jaemin is asking him something and drunk Jeno is answering whatever it is. He's not sure of his answers and why his soulmate looks pained over hearing them. He sweeps the expression under the rug, not sober enough to think over it.
It happened so fast.
He's vomiting his lunch out and the next, he's kissing Jaemin senseless against the wall. It's wrong. Sober Jeno wouldn't do this to Jaemin. Unfortunately, only drunk Jeno is present.
Jeno thinks he must have been out of his mind when he pushes Jaemin down to his knees and makes the latter satisfy his needs. Although he feels on cloud nine from the pleasure, he's pulled out of his drunk mind when he hears Jaemin cry.
Jaemin doesn't usually cry.
Jeno doesn't remember the last time he did but it was probably during primary school when a rude classmate insulted his choice of cute plushies on his backpack and his pink stationery. Even if he's the worst man possible on Earth, the pain stabbing him in his heart over the heart-wrenching sobs and the streaming tears leaving Jaemin makes him worse than worst.
He tries to calm Jaemin down and the image of Jaemin's indifferent expression after crying his heart out will forever be the thing Jeno regrets the most. Why must he always think with his dick and not his brain? How could he do such a heinous thing to his own soulmate?
How could he hurt Jaemin?
It was easier when Jaemin doesn't show much reaction to the pain Jeno inflicted on him yet the tears escaping his pained big doe eyes tells Jeno he screwed up.
He broke his biggest promise.
Jeno brings his soulmate to their bed, ignoring the unfamiliarity and comfort the bed gives. He whispers quiet apologies to Jaemin along with tender kisses on his shoulder. Jeno pulls him close to feel him. It might be their last one. He doesn't know. Jeno hugs him the tightest he's ever had in the past year, hoping somewhere deep inside Jaemin that he would have the heart to forgive his stupid soulmate. That Jaemin would always be by his side.
He's not ready to let Jaemin go.
It's selfish. His wishes are.
It's selfish yet that's all Jeno wants for now. He can't afford to lose Jaemin. He can't afford to lose any of them. He should have put Jaemin's feelings above his but his own matters more.
It's selfish that he wishes to remain like this with Jaemin.
It's selfish that he wishes to ignore Grandma Lee's advice.
It's selfish that he wishes to have Jaemin all to himself.
It's selfish to ask fate to solely abide by his wishes.
◑
It's suffocating.
It's suffocating yet Jeno feels so empty inside. He's not even sure if he shed any tears. He doesn't even recall the words he said to Jaemin which finally led up to their break up. All he remembers from his short visit to Jaemin is Jaemin crying his heart out, his need for them to break up and giving him one last painful kiss. Their last kiss.
Even at his worst moment, Jaemin still puts Jeno before him and maybe this is what hurts more. That Jaemin loves Jeno more than himself.
It feels empty.
He feels empty everywhere inside him. He's not sure what he's supposed to feel after losing a soulmate. He can't say he didn't expect this to happen, because he did. Jaemin was sure to get bored of him sooner or later. He had to get tired of Jeno. He was always hurt. Jeno knew. He knew yet why is he feeling empty inside?
It's as if he's a vessel emptied out and thrown away. (Is this how Jaemin feels?)
Did he make the wrong decision?
Again?
Jeno stops in the middle of the pathway to his home or what used to be his home, their home. He knows he has to pack up as fast as possible and leave the apartment but at that moment, his mind is empty, his heart emptier.
He inhales deeply, tilting his head upwards to look at the sky. Even the weather is making fun of him by how sunny it is with no single cloud. The sun is out, shining brightly as if making fun of Jeno.
It's fair. It's fair for a heartbreaker like me.
He feels lost though. In the midst of everything, he spares a glance at their apartment before turning on his heels, heading to his other home. A home with his two soulmates. A home he chose. One over his old home.
A bitter chuckle leaves his lips. "Old home, huh?" He rubs his face in frustration. He tries his best to ignore his feelings, dragging himself back home as usual.
That night, Jeno hugs both his soulmates to sleep even when they complained at first, asking details of his visit earlier. Jeno doesn't dare say anything to them, afraid of hurting Jaemin intentionally now that they are officially broken up or maybe hurting himself. But he thinks he deserves to get hurt.
A little pain wouldn't equal to the pain Jaemin has carried over the past year. Jeno knows. He knew. Yet why did he ignore all the signs despite knowing? Why did he act as if everything was sunshine and rainbows?
Renjun and Donghyuck exchange knowing glances and decide not to pressure Jeno, squeezing themselves closer. They're huddled together in hushed, soft whispers and warm limbs. Jeno still feels empty.
Jeno knows he's not much of a cryer.
Only being able to shed tears while angry, he thinks he's pathetic to wish to be able to cry. So he can let go a little of Jaemin. It's pathetic of him to want to feel better. He knows but he wants it. He wants it so much he's starting to feel rage.
A tear drops down his cheek silently. He's not sobbing. He's not making a sound. All he feels is empty. Even with familiar warmth wrapping around him and the comforting touches, Jeno feels empty.
Is this how it feels to lose a soulmate?
He wonders if Jaemin is hurting as bad as he is or worse?
◑
Lee Jeno doesn't deserve Na Jaemin.
Not with the amount of times he's hurt him. Not with the amount of times Jaemin has cried because of him. Not with the amount of times he ignores him. Not with him choosing to do this. Choosing for it to end this way.
Because Lee Jeno had choices.
And he chose one.
It's too late to regret.
Yet the day he sees Jaemin again after two months, after their break up, he regrets instantly. Jaemin looks even better. He looks happier. It makes Jeno feel a little less guilty, knowing Jaemin is happy in his own way.
So, why does he regret it?
Why is he regretting when he sees Mark touching him casually, intimately– something only Jeno had at one point in their life. Why is he regretting when he sees Jaemin laugh over the stupid jokes Mark make? Why is he regretting when he sees the look in Jaemin's eyes–it burns him to ashes, realizing it's the look he's always gotten but didn't appreciate it enough.
He doesn't know why it hurts when he was the one who told Jaemin to find his happiness. Someone who would never, ever make him cry. Someone who would make him happy and love him not like Jeno did.
So why is Jeno breaking his promise again?
He appeared in front of Jaemin albeit it was unavoidable. Jisung is Jaemin's favourite person even when they were in love and together, so of course Jaemin would come. He would never even miss Jisung's important show.
It is then, eating dinner with his soulmates, friends and Jaemin that makes him realize.
He's taken Jaemin for granted.
What did he even think before? That Jaemin will always love him? That he will always stay by his side? That he will always wait for him? That he will always be selfless and accept his heart broken for the millionth time?
Why did he not love Jaemin with all he's got when they were still together?
Jaemin is right.
When Jaemin leaves him that night, Jeno feels his second heartbreak. He realizes he's the worst person to ever live. To hurt his soulmate and constantly hurt him despite knowing so.
He doesn't deserve to even cry.
Yet he lets out a teardrop.
Who was he to feel hurt when Jaemin has been hurt way longer? Has been hurt way more painful? Has to withstand him and his stupid self for months.
And all it comes back to his main problem–the stupid so-called destiny.
All because at the end, he chose Jaemin to be his platonic soulmate.
In hopes he'll never lose him.
And now what?
He still lost his most treasured person.
◑
It's a simple afternoon in the throuple's home. Home. It's an ironic word for Jeno because somewhere, he still thinks of Jaemin as home. His warmest, coziest, most loving home. The one he could come back to and be embraced sweetly.
Now, home is just a place he lives with his soulmates.
Renjun and Donghyuck are bickering over something trivial. Like always. It's lively here with their presence. Jeno knows they've been trying to help him feel better and cheer him up but he thinks nothing can do the trick. They're not what he needs right now. Or rather who.
Jeno is lost in his own thoughts until he hears a hushed whisper of a name he could never forget.
"–Jaemin looked happy, though?"
"It's unfair that he's being that happy when Jen's like that."
Jeno squints his eyes at them, interrupting their conversation with a fake cough. "What are you two talking about? What about me?"
The two snap their heads towards Jeno, flustered over getting caught. Renjun sighs deeply, nudging Donghyuck to answer. Donghyuck sends him a glare then a tight-lipped smile at Jeno.
"Yesterday, we saw Jaemin."
Jeno raises an eyebrow, holding the urge to ask further about him.
"And...he was on a date. With Mark hyung."
Date?
"He looked happy."
"And?" Jeno replies seriously.
"And!" Donghyuck retorts. "That's unfair to you. You've been cooped up at home, doing nothing and looking sad as ever, Jen. How is it okay with you that Jaemin is out there being happy?"
Jeno looks confused at Donghyuck's words. "What are you even talking about, Hyuck? What Jaemin does and feels is none of your business. Heck, I should be happy for him instead. He's starting to find his happiness after I've tortured him for months. After we tortured him."
"We?" Renjun blurts. "When did we even hurt him?"
Donghyuck throws an annoyed look at Renjun. "This isn't the time for us, Renjun. I'm talki–"
"Are you seriously asking that?" Jeno scoffs. "Do you think just because I don't tell you off to your faces, it didn't happen? That you weren't being mean to Jaemin on purpose? That you two were such–what? Angels? Come on, even a random stranger can tell you didn't like him."
"Jeno!" Renjun fumes.
"Just–shut up for a second. It doesn't matter anymore, does it? I lost him."
"Why are you saying it like that?" Donghyuck frowns. "You can still get him to come back to you. You're soulmates."
"Hyuck, just leave it." Jeno sighs. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let me wallow in this sadness and hope my heart doesn't break any more than this knowing he's actually happy with someone that he rightfully deserves."
Jeno leaves no room for argument as he takes his wallet and phone, leaving their home and wandering aimlessly around the neighbourhood.
I shouldn't have lashed out on them like that.
He spends the next hour walking around and taking his needed breather. He walks and walks until his feet come to a stop instinctively. When he looks up, he's at his old apartment–the one Jaemin currently lives in.
Jeno frowns, wondering how his feet brought him here. Did he secretly want to come and see Jaemin? To prove Donghyuck's words? That he was happy? When Jeno is miserable?
Or did he come here to see the true fact underlying behind? That Jaemin is finally happy without Jeno? That he found someone who would make him happy, love him and never, ever make him cry.
As if the universe is mocking his stupidity, he hears Jaemin's giggle not far from him and he turns the other way, walking away from the entrance. He stops when he's far enough, bracing himself to look back to catch a glimpse of his soulmate.
And as if to prove Renjun's words, Jaemin looks happy. He is happy. He's happy and he's with Mark.
Jeno feels his heart squeeze a little at their intertwined hands and the fond gazes thrown at each other. He feels like an intruder, watching Jaemin pull on Mark's hand while the latter tries to stay still and not budge. He watches how Jaemin gives Mark Jeno's favourite expression on him–his adorable pout and puppy eyes which turns into the brightest smile.
The moment feels longer than it actually was and Jeno stops looking when Jaemin and Mark disappear behind the entrance door.
Jeno looks up to the sky, chuckling bitterly at how dark and cloudy it has become. It does feel like the universe is mocking him to no end. It's true. He deserves this. He messed up, badly. And this is just a payment. Regardless of his regret.
Oh, how his regret is tugging on his heartstrings, threatening to cut each one.
Granny, did I make the right choice?
Why do I feel like I just lost myself?
It's not Jaemin, is it?
He's not my platonic soulmate, is he?
They are?
Jeno chuckles bitterly.
Now I have to live with this regret the rest of my life until the day I meet you again.
◑
Jeno tries to go on his days as normal as he could. The thought lingering in the back of his mind constantly haunts him, ridiculing him to the point he can't focus properly in class.
Truthfully, the past few weeks had been terrible on his side. From fighting with Jaemin to getting awkward with his soulmates and seeing his precious soulmate moving on happily. It's been Hell.
Yet Jeno knows better to complain. He set this one up by himself. There's really no one but him making the choice.
And he chose wrong.
Although he failed in the decision part, he's content on letting Jaemin go. He's been the worst soulmate, boyfriend, best friend to Jaemin for the past year and nothing can make up for the pain Jaemin felt.
Jeno is willing to live in a world without a Jaemin because it's the consequence of his choice. He acted too rash and made a hasty decision and now, all he has is two platonic soulmates who love him and a romantic soulmate he can no longer hold.
Despite his willingness to let Jaemin go to someone else, he can't help but wanting to know who Jaemin might end up loving. It's a Jaemin thing, Jeno knows crystal clear. How Jaemin loves and loves and will continue loving until his last breath. Jeno knows he has all Jaemin's firsts and the thought of not being Jaemin's lasts stung his heart.
From all the people at campus, he doesn't expect Jaemin to get together with Mark. Jeno hasn't seen them together many times but the few times he did, they don't really look compatible but what does he know? Mark makes Jaemin happy. That's the only thing that matters.
Soulmate bond or not, as long as Jaemin is happy now.
Jeno starts to wonder about Mark's soulmate. He's been friends with Mark since his first year and it's odd that Mark and Jaemin never met each other before because would they end up in their relationship right now if they did? Jeno never brought up the soulmate subject whenever they chatted so he doesn't know anything about Mark's soulmate.
Well, except for a thing.
Mark's soulmate. It's a sensitive subject to the older boy.
The only fact he knows about Mark's soulmate is they were high school sweethearts.
If Mark is in a relationship with Jaemin, he has to make sure Mark isn't hurting anyone–Jaemin.
Jeno sees Mark coincidentally after class when he passes by the library. Mark would have ignored him but the pale look Jeno gives him and the way he freezes as soon as their eyes meet make Mark restless. He's a curious boy. He can't let a situation like this corrupt his thoughts and mood.
"What is it?" Mark asks after peering inside the library for a second.
"Can we–do you mind if we talk?"
Mark sighs silently. "...Yeah, sure."
Jeno brings Mark to a rather secluded place where no one was there except for them two. In his head, Jeno is scolding himself for making a rash decision, again, wanting to talk to Mark about what? To tell Mark to take care of Jaemin?
"I don't have all day, Jeno. It'd be great if you start talking now," Mark speaks. "Unless you don't have anything to say."
"I-I do, I just–don't know how to approach this subject. Um, I don't know if Jaemin ever told you about...about us. About him and I."
"He did." Mark blinks. "I know enough, Jeno. I'm not in a position to judge you or the position to be mad at you but we are friends. Though, that doesn't excuse the way you treated Jaemin."
"You...know, huh? And I know, I am the worst person alive for doing that to him. He's been nothing but the kindest angel to me. He was even willing to wait for me. He's too nice."
"So you took advantage of it?"
Mark's words stab Jeno right in his heart. "If you put it that way, I did. I really did, didn't I?" Jeno bites down on his tongue, guilt washing over him worse now that a stranger (not quite) tells the painful truth to his face.
"I don't like picking sides, Jeno. I hate to pick between you two but that doesn't mean I won't. I don't know everything that went through with the two of you but I do know how much you hurt him."
"Hyung, no. I–"
"No, if you want me to listen to you. I want you to listen to this first." Mark says firmly, eyes glaring at Jeno. "I have never ever met someone so strong who would cry so painfully like he's never cried while he talks about his soulmate. Can you believe he still doesn't hate you? After you made him feel like he's unworthy of love? Of feeling? Of falling for someone? Fear of being in a relationship? Of hurting someone else? Of not being–" he huffs. "Not being enough,"
Jeno's eyes well up in tears, not really expecting Mark to snap at him with his only weakness.
"You don't know how that feels? You haven't seen him cry as if he's losing himself." Mark lets out a bitter chuckle, finding their situation funny. "Sometimes I don't think you deserve to cry. You don't deserve him. You know what? I'm not in the mood to talk to you."
Mark turns on his heels, wanting to leave before Jeno speaks up.
"What about your soulmate, hyung?"
Mark tenses from the question, turning back slowly. "What?"
"Your soulmate. Jaemin is already hurt enough. I don't think you told him about your soulmate yet, have you?"
"Lee Jeno, mind your own damn business."
"I'm trying. This is the last time I ever meddle with Jaemin because for the last fucking time, I hope I don't fuck up and make the wrong choice over again. I don't want to leave him in the hands of someone who can't be honest with his background."
Mark scoffs, walking back to Jeno until their chests are inches away. "Watch what you say."
"Hyung, please. It's the least I can do for him."
"No, Jeno." Mark shakes his head. "The least you could do for Jaemin is apologize to him, asshole."
"I– I don't think he would want to see me in another few weeks. We fought."
"I know, I saw Jaemin that night."
Jeno sighs, dread creeping onto his skin. "Was he–did he–"
"Jeno, you two aren't children anymore. You're a grown up adult and so is Jaemin. Okay, maybe you two do need some time away but you still need to apologize. I know how painful losing a soulmate is and the pain of having to stay, watching the bond weaken and break. Don't let that happen to you."
"I feel like you don't want me to see Jaemin."
"Truthfully? No. But I have no say in it. Jaemin does and if he wants to see you, then you do. If he doesn't, then you don't. I just–I don't want to see him like that night."
"Was it that bad?"
"Jeno, I don't know if it's because you have more soulmates but if I was his soulmate, I'd swear over my life to not make him cry like that."
"Hyung, it seems like you know him better than me now."
"I don't know about that, Jeno. You're still his soulmate, you would know best, no?"
Jeno bites down on his tongue, eyes darting away.
"Think over it and do what you think is right. Don't let anyone influence your choice this time."
"Wha–?"
"Do you seriously think Jaemin is clueless?"
◑
"–ng? Hyung?"
Mark snaps out of his deep thoughts over his conversation with Jeno the other day to see Jaemin in front of his face, tilting his head in confusion.
"I've been calling for you for the past two minutes. You okay, hyung?"
Mark forces a smile, nodding assuringly while Jaemin gives him a side eye and sits back down beside him. "What is it, Jaem?"
"I wanted to ask you a favour but it seems like you were occupied, so I didn't want to bother. You were thinking quite hard too."
"It's–" Mark frowns then pats his lap. "Come here, lie down."
"So sudden?" Jaemin asks confusedly yet he obeys and makes himself comfortable in Mark's lap. "Is everything alright?"
Mark combs his hands through Jaemin's fluffy hair. "It isn't my place to talk about this but I want to know how you feel about it."
Jaemin stares at him quietly, prompting him to continue.
"Have you ever thought about forgiving your soulmate?" At the mention of his soulmate, Jaemin's expression hardens. "I don't mean it in a bad way, Jaem. I just–You'll listen to me first, okay?"
After Jaemin relaxes a bit, Mark continues. "I know we don't talk about soulmates and I know what happened to yours. Jeno is my friend too, you know? I've known him longer and I–I didn't think any of this would happen but it did. You know him way longer, so you know him pretty well, right? Don't you–Do you ever think–Would you clear things up if you had the chance?"
It takes Jaemin a full minute to think over his reply while Mark patiently waits, playing with Jaemin's hair. "Honestly? I don't know. I do know I don't want to see him now. It's complicated. Why the sudden question?"
"Jaemin, soulmate bond lasts a lifetime. It's a matter of choice if you chose to not be together with your soulmate and the bond will weaken but at the end, you'll still be intertwined by fate. What I'm saying is, I don't want you to be regretting any of this. Any of you. Any of anything that could have happened "
"There can't be any of anything that could have happened. Are you expecting me to go back to him? Because that would be absurd, even for me. It doesn't matter how much I love him and how much he means to me, I don't ever want to go through Hell like that."
"I know but Jaemin–"
"Is there a reason we're talking about this?" Jaemin sees Mark stop himself from talking further and bites down on his lip. "Hyung?"
"Jaemin,"
"Hyung,"
"It's just–I don't want you going through the same thing I went to, okay?" Mark throws his head back frustratedly. "I lost my soulmate before I could apologize to them and told them I love them regardless. It was a petty fight and there hasn't been a day I don't regret what I did to them."
Jaemin sits back up, taking Mark's hands in his and comfortingly rubs his knuckles.
"I don't–I never want that to happen to anyone else. It's hurtful enough that I lost them but the fight we didn't get to resolve will always remain and it's the most pathetic thing to have as a last memory."
Seeing Mark blinking away his tears makes Jaemin feel hurt too so he brings Mark close to his chest, hugging him by the waist.
"If it makes you feel better, I'll talk to him. We do need to have some kind of closure. Not now though. I need some time."
Mark reciprocates his hug tighter, breathing in Jaemin's calming scent. "I'm sorry. It's not my place at all. I really am. It's stupid of me to push this onto you. It's my regret, not yours. I just–maybe, maybe it'll help you if you could talk it out with him. I don't want you crying over him again and I'm sure you don't want your last words with him to be over a fight."
"God, I hate him so much," Jaemin mumbles, grabbing a fistful of Mark's shirt. "I hate him so much."
"Do you really?"
Jaemin doesn't reply, only nuzzling his head closer to Mark.
"I'm not making you talk to him soon but think about it, alright? If at the end, you still don't want to, then that's fine."
Jaemin grumbles, mumbling something under his breath.
"What is it?"
"You're too nice it hurts."
Mark laughs, squeezing Jaemin and finally letting him go. His bright expression falters a bit when he sees Jaemin's pout.
"Why are you crying, silly?"
Jaemin huffs and wipes his eyes with the end of his sleeves. "I'm not a crybaby."
"Nobody said you were."
"I'll throw you out really."
"You like me too much,"
"...I do,"
Mark laces their fingers together and rests their hands on his left chest. "Me too,"
And if Jaemin covers his blush by rolling his eyes, no one would know but him.
◑
It's a busy Friday, unlike always and Jaemin's schedule is packed until dinner. He had to reject Jisung's invite to lunch because of a club meeting and he would have ditched the meeting except for the fact that he is, in fact, the vice-president so he withstands the awful two hours.
He manages to get bread for lunch and he makes do with it although his stomach screams for more. He sees Chenle on his way to class and he could only give him a small wave before a classmate whisks him away.
Jaemin hasn't seen Mark at all even though he's been to the library thrice just that day. He was thinking of asking Mark out for dinner and this time, he could cook him some. It's become something natural he fell into. Cooking for someone else.
It's his fourth time going to the library for the day and he hopes to see Mark because he really needs some kind of energy boost. Yes, Mark Lee is his energy boost.
Yet instead of seeing Mark Lee, he's met with a familiar pair of eyes.
"Hina," the name slips out easily.
"Jaemin? It's been a while since...last time. How are you? "
"Better," Jaemin replies, a small smile on his face.
Hina beams at that, turning to the table behind her and gesturing with her hands and expressive eyes, asking if Jaemin has time. Jaemin nods, taking a seat across her.
"Let me start off." Hina inhales sharply. "Firstly, I'm sorry for being a bad friend. You've been nothing but nice to me and I couldn't do a simple thing to look out for you. I watched you get your heart broken for months. So, I'm just really, really glad you're doing fine now."
"Hina, you know it's not your fault. Don't say it like that. Either way, it was bound to happen and I chose to end it. Maybe our relationship wasn't worth fighting for and it was nothing compared to his other soulmates."
Hina drums her fingers on the table. "Jaemin, the thing about platonic soulmates and romantic soulmates is it's really just a fine line between both and at times, it's hard to distinguish it. If I say—If I say that you might have been picked instead of them, what would you do—"
"No." Jaemin shakes his head solemnly. "I won't do anything. I gave my all in our relationship and I was willing to share—" Bitter chuckle. "Is that the right word? Sharing. You know, it's pretty ironic that sharing is caring when none of it happened to me. It was brutal, to say the least. I love him. Tried to love his soulmates too but it was hard. It doesn't matter what I would do. He already made his choice."
"And you're fine with that?"
"Tell me, Hina. How much do you know about seeing the future?"
"T-the future?" Hina blinks. "It's a...complicated ability. Not quite useful and might bring worse implications to whatever that could have happened. Why?"
"I knew a person who could see it and sometimes, when I think back to them, I wonder would all that's happened be better or worse with their help? Does seeing it help?"
"Jaemin—You don't mean that—"
"I've always been told that I was too selfless. Too forgiving. Too kind. And it's true, I am. I couldn't even get mad at him for too long."
In that moment, after all the tiring events of his day, Jaemin spots Mark Lee entering the library, clutching his laptop in one arm and a stack of heavy textbooks in the other.
"Someone made me realize that," Jaemin's lips quirk into a smile, eyes stuck on the boy who managed to catch his attention.
Hina follows his gaze and a knowing smile displays on her face.
"Are you happy?"
"I am,"
◑
Two days.
It's been two days since Jaemin has seen Mark. It would be an understatement if he says he just misses the older boy. He doesn't care if it's only been two days. He misses Mark a lot. He misses Mark so much that all he does is go through their chat messages and stares at the one picture he took of him.
It's a simple picture of Mark with his glasses on and in a grey hoodie. He looks cute in it.
Jaemin frowns, realizing that it has been two days and he hasn't gotten any news from Mark. Or a simple text. It's not like he's overbearing or the type to want to know Mark's presence all the time but Jaemin just misses him.
He misses Mark dearly.
So, in the need to see Mark, Jaemin decides to visit him at his place. Truthfully, he isn't quite familiar with the area yet he won't let that deter him from meeting with his boyfriend that instant.
Ba-dump.
The mention of the word boyfriend makes Jaemin all bubbly inside. It's not his first boyfriend but calling someone else his boyfriend was something he didn't expect to ever happen but there he is now, in front of Mark's apartment complex.
Out of courtesy, Jaemin knocks on the door. He remembers going over to Mark's place the last time when his roommate wasn't at home. The door opens to a tall dark haired man who first greets him with both eyebrows raised, as if he recognized Jaemin.
"U-um, is Mark hyung home?"
The man tilts his head, beckoning Jaemin to come in with a small smile. "Yeah, he's cooped up in his room. It's that time of the year again."
Jaemin turns around in confusion, frowning at the vague statement. "Excuse me?"
"Uh–You must be Jaemin. I'm Mark's roommate, Johnny." Johnny extends his hand for a handshake and Jaemin accepts hesitantly. "Mark gets like this when the date is close."
"What date?"
A flash of confusion is seen on Johnny's eyes before it's replaced with guilt. "His room is to the left. It's not my place to tell. You can ask him but I don't know if he'll answer but it doesn't hurt to try."
With a small nod, Jaemin leaves to go to Mark's room. He clears his throat, getting rid of his nervousness before knocking on the door. He hears sheets ruffling and a low groan then feet slowly padding across the floor.
"I'll eat later, hyung—oh." Mark freezes once he sees who's at his door. "Jaemin,"
The expression splayed on Mark's face is unreadable, his body tense and Jaemin thinks he might have crossed the line by visiting so sudden.
"I–You–" Jaemin tries to come up with a decent reason. "I missed you."
Mark's face softens and Jaemin takes note of his hazardous appearance. It seems like Mark hasn't taken a shower or shaved for the past two days, hair all disheveled and has he been crying?
"Come on in,"
Despite coming unannounced, Mark still treats him politely, even going as far as to hold his wrist and closing the door after. Mark ushers them to sit on the edge of the bed and any other day, Jaemin would flush red in embarrassment but the situation on hand looks serious so he keeps quiet.
"Am I...intruding?"
Mark gives him a small smile, looking more relaxed than he was earlier. His hand on Jaemin's wrist moves to lace their fingers together. He lets his upper body fall down on his bed, bouncing a bit after and places their hands on top of his chest.
"No but since you came all the way here, did I worry you?"
Jaemin stares down at Mark intently, as if gauging his next words. "A bit,"
There's a short silence before Mark piqued up. "It kind of feels nice to have someone worry over you."
Jaemin hums as a reply, proceeding to lie down on his stomach, one hand gently carding through Mark's unruly hair. "Why have you not showered yet?"
"Didn't feel like it."
"Did you eat?"
"Later,"
"Hyung,"
Mark turns around on his sides, facing Jaemin with a frown. "Where should I start?"
"You don't need to start anything. Just go take a shower. I'll get you something to eat and you can rest the whole day."
"No, I think you need to hear this if we ever–if we're gonna have this relationship, you should know about this."
Jaemin keeps mum, squeezing Mark's hand as assurance he's not leaving any time soon.
"The person I told you that stayed at the hospital room you were in for a year and a half. That person was my soulmate."
Jaemin unconsciously holds his breath. awaiting for him to continue.
"They were my world. The light surrounding my darkness. The rainbow to my rain. The reason I laugh and smile. The person I share my ups and downs with. The one who saw me at my worst and best and stayed throughout everything.
"We've known each other since we were classmates in high school and we got close easily. He's a jokester and kind. He's loud and friendly. People call him stupid but he's the smartest person I know. He's so tall, I have to crane my neck to look at him. He's very passionate about the things he loves. He—" Mark bites on his lip. "He had an illness. An illness he carried for far too long. An illness that took him away from me."
"Honestly, he may be the smartest person I know but all smart people are dumb, you know? So when I told him to have surgery, he said no. It was...a risky one but he had a chance to live on yet he doesn't...he said no. We fought over it. It was days full of backhanded insults and sassy replies and we never got to make up with each other."
"Can you believe my last words to him is 'Have the surgery or I won't talk to you the rest of my life'?" Mark chuckles bitterly. "It came true either way."
Jaemin exhales deeply, arms instantly wrapping themselves around Mark's frame.
"He left. He's gone. It's his second death anniversary the day after tomorrow and I can't help but recall all our memories and I keep on remembering telling him to basically fuck off before he died."
Mark clutches onto the hem of Jaemin's sweater, sobbing heavily. "I didn't even get to tell him I love him."
Jaemin softly sways his body side to side while patting Mark's back gently. Mark's body shakes with each sob, sounding even worse than before and Jaemin is mildly worried over the condition of his voice later.
After making sure Mark's cries cease, Jaemin breaks the hug and wipes the tear stains hastily. He doesn't say anything while Mark grumbles about the situation being embarrassing on his side.
"What's his name?"
"What?" Mark's voice cracked.
"Your soulmate, his name?"
Mark replies, confused. "We call him Lucas. His name is Wong Yukhei though."
"That's a pretty name and judging by how highly you talked of him, I'm sure he was the literal sunshine."
Despite his bloodshot red eyes and runny nose, Mark manages to snort. "He was, indeed."
"I can't say on behalf of him but hyung? Those words may have hurt yet you said it because you were worried of him, no? That you wanted him to stay alive? To be able to grow up until you're old and wrinkly?"
Mark nods reluctantly.
"Then, he knows how much you love him. He left with the memories of you loving him, didn't he?"
Mark cups Jaemin's cheek, expression hard as Jaemin starts to tear up.
"Is this what got you worked up the other day?" Jaemin asks softly. "That I would end up leaving my soulmate the way you did?"
"I don't want you to feel pain the way I did, Jaemin. We have different situations but I won't hold back someone from loving their soulmate."
"Hyung…"
"I thought I would have to live the rest of my life in guilt. But with you, it might be different. So, if you want to stop whatever we have now, I'm willing for it. I'll give you time to think of this. Of you."
"But hyung—"
"Make yourself happy,"
That day Jaemin leaves Mark's place with a promise to think over his problems and much needed time on his hands.
◑
Jaemin knows this day will come sooner or later. He hopes it would be later but it's been three months since the last time he's seen his soulmate. The one person he's loved so dearly for so long. It's also been that long since he's met with Mark. Mark gave him time so he's using it to the full.
It's a quarter to six in the evening when Jaemin decides to excuse himself from his mother to spend some time alone at his childhood playground—the one with countless memories with Jeno. He chooses his favorite spot, the swings which are thankfully empty. There aren't many people playing at the playground, considering the fact that there's a brand new playground closer to the district school where most children are. Only a few neighbours are hanging around the area.
Jaemin aimlessly kicks the sand beneath him, head tilted back to look at the clear blue sky. It seems like he's waiting for something to happen–or rather someone. Someone does come shortly after with hesitant steps and quiet breathing.
Naturally, Jaemin reacts to the footsteps,
acknowledging the newcomer.
The Jeno before him reminds Jaemin of his Jeno, the Jeno from the past. The Jeno he shared his childhood with. The Jeno who still probably knows him best, more than Jaemin himself. The Jeno who was once his best friend.
Clad in a soft mint hoodie and glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, Jeno sends him a nervous smile. Jaemin isn't sure anymore if his Jeno and this Jeno are still the same.
"Hi,"
Jaemin acknowledges him with a nod. "Hi,"
"Can I–um, may I sit?"
"It's free property, Jeno." Jaemin replies, tone lilting with tease.
"Beside you, I mean. If you're comfortable with it," Jeno explains, chewing on his bottom lip. "And the swings kinda belong to the Chois,"
Jaemin laughs at the old memory of the Choi family (or just the spoiled brat in the family) claiming that he owns the swings and whoever wants to play there has to get permission from him first.
"Sit," Jaemin pats the seat of the swing while Jeno gingerly sits down, swinging himself slightly.
A silence falls upon them as they get lost in memories of their childhood or where everything about them first began. Jaemin knows Jeno has a lot to say but judging how passive he's acting, he doesn't think Jeno can get any word out for the whole night so he braves himself.
"It's been what? Two? Three months?"
Jeno quirks up, the image reminding Jaemin of a similar puppy wagging his tail. "It has been that long."
"H-how are you...doing?" Jaemin clears his throat.
"I've been–" missing you dearly. "Fine. It was fine."
"That's...nice."
"Yeah,"
They fall into another silence and Jaemin steals a glance at Jeno, a small chuckle leaves him over the constipated look on Jeno's face. Jeno seems startled by the sound, realizing how much he missed hearing the pretty sound.
"Have we always been this awkward?"
"I made it awkward," Jeno says, looking down on his hands resting atop his lap. "You did nothing. It's all me."
"Jeno,"
"Jaemin," Jeno calls. "I still remember the day I fell for you. It was in Spring on a windy day after a tiring day at primary school. It would seem stupid for a kid that age to know what love is and that they were so sure they fell in love but 10-year-old Jeno is as dumb as this Jeno now. And you know? It was easy to fall for you. Everything you do makes me love you even more. All your quirks and flaws and imperfections made falling so much easier.
"You really are the best thing to happen to me. Right, do you remember that tree over there?" Jeno asks, head tilted and chin pointed to one of the trees around the playground. "I remember being young and reckless and we would play hide and seek over there. We would always come back with mosquito bites and rashes and got nagged 'til no end from our parents. Oh, I think we even had our initials engraved on the tree."
"You're right. It was that, wasn't it? JN and JM with an arrow through the heart in the middle. 'twas pretty." Jaemin squints his eyes although he can barely see with the distance.
"You must think I'm a fool for suddenly reminiscing about this and bringing it up right now. It's stupid and dumb–"
"It's not, Jen. Really. You can't help it, you know? We're home and here together and all our memories are coming back." Jaemin says, tilting his head to the side with a lopsided smile.
"Can I be honest with you?" Jeno bites down on his lips, nervous of his answer.
"You've never been good at lying, Jen."
A bitter chuckle leaves Jeno and he sighs before continuing to talk.
"You know, I've never asked you how you were coping with the news at first. It must've been hard on you. To see your soulmate–the only one you've ever had suddenly having two other soulmates that weren't also yours and I was insensitive to you. For not noticing how you were feeling about...all of that. I only cared about myself. About my feelings and disregarded yours.
"You were insecure, scared and the only thing you wanted was for me to be with you. Yet, I blew all my chances but you kept on giving me more. It's no one's fault but mine."
"Jeno–Don't blame yourself."
"But it's true. I hurt you. I hurt you too many times. I hurt you constantly. I knew yet I still did. It's really my fault. Nothing will ever be able to excuse me. I made so many promises to you and I broke each one. You didn't deserve that. Never did. Never will. I broke you."
Jaemin exhales, standing up to kneel down in front of Jeno. Startled, Jeno tries to get down but Jaemin stops him by holding onto the chains of the swings.
"I'm going to be really honest this time, Jen. You did. You broke me. And I was a fool to keep on believing that you will come back to me one day. Some day. Any day. Until I realized. You didn't choose me."
"No, Jaemin—I—I tried to—"
Jaemin places a finger to Jeno's lips, shushing him completely and giving him a look to not interrupt.
"I'm not as dumb...as you think I am. I'm quite attentive, Jeno. Especially in the things that involve you. I...I want to say I understand but I can't. I can't say I do but I don't want to make you question it anymore." Jaemin tucks a lone strand of Jeno's hair behind his ear, palm cupping Jeno's cheek warmly. "It's stupid how you have to make a choice between me and them. And I don't blame you on your decision. Maybe we weren't meant to be more than platonic soulmates."
"No, Nana. P-please—" Jeno's voice cracks as he holds back himself from touching Jaemin. "I'm so stupid. I can't believe I let it happen to me. To you. To us. It's just so hard after Granny passed away and her words to me are so confusing and I can't stop thinking about it. It got worse when I met them. There was not a moment I didn't think of it. I-I didn't want to end up like her."
"And you didn't." Jaemin's hands move down to hold onto Jeno's, grasping them tightly. "You didn't, Jeno. You have three soulmates and it just so happens that you chose them two. You're not alone. You have Donghyuck. You have Renjun."
"I don't have you."
"You can't be that selfish, Jen." Jaemin mumbles, voice cracking at the end as he blinks away the sudden tears that spring out. "Grandma Lee wasn't alone. She has your parents. She has your family. She has you. Not all soulmate relationships need to work out, you know that better than anyone else. Maybe the two of us were caught up in our own world. We never noticed the things outside our little circle. And when you did, you leaped over. Why? Because it's inevitable. It's what you deserved to do."
"I hurt you, Jaemin. How are you still like this to me?"
"We weren't just soulmates bonded by the names on our skin, Jeno. We're best friends, aren't we? The dynamic duo? Jeno and Jaemin? Jaemin and Jeno? We stuck through together since forever. This bond means a lot more to me—one we built together side by side, not just because we have each other's names. I love you, Jeno. I don't think I can ever hate you. Like, ever."
"You should,"
"Okay, maybe I did. But you know what? My love for you is way bigger than that hatred."
Jeno could feel his heart palpitating hard against his chest, anticipating Jaemin's next words.
"That's why I'm willing to let you go."
What?
It's as if a bucket of cold water is splashed onto Jeno and he tries his best to control his hurt expression.
"You deserve love and if it's with them, then go get it."
"I shouldn't be the one receiving these words, Nana."
"Then, I'll say it on behalf of both of us then. I deserve love as much as you do, Jeno. I want to be happy. I want to be loved and I want to love. If it wasn't meant to be with you, then it's not. But now, I have someone I want to love and I'm pretty sure he does too. So, Jeno, go chase your happiness as I chase mine."
Jaemin ends his speech by planting gentle pecks on Jeno's knuckles, stroking them after.
"Jaemin. Does this mean goodbye? For real?"
"Honestly, Jeno. If we were to meet again, we would. I'm not against it. We're still soulmates, aren't we?"
We always were, always will.
"You've said everything I wanted to say, Jaemin. I can only beg for forgiveness although I don't deserve to be forgiven. I'm just glad that you found your happiness when I couldn't give it to you."
"No, you've made me happy since the first time we met, Jeno. You were my happiness, but you were also my downfall."
Jeno stays silent, eyeing Jaemin who stood up and held his face in his warm hands. Jeno misses his touches. Jaemin takes his time raking his eyes over Jeno's beautiful features for what could be the last time or not, then smiles his sincerest and presses a soft kiss to Jeno's forehead as if relaying his love for him.
"I'll see you soon." Jaemin holds his hand, gives it a firm squeeze then finally lets go. "I'm leaving first okay?"
Soon as in hopefully never.
"I'll see you," Jeno mumbles, sporting a bright grin all for his soulmate. Once Jaemin is gone from his sight, the smile drops and the realization of their talk registers in his mind.
All I did up to this point and I still end up unhappy.
Yet I'm glad you found your happiness when I couldn't.
My happiness was you, Jaemin.
It was you and I wasted you.
◑
Mark huffs as he climbs the last few steps to the roof of Jaemin's apartment, clearly exhausted and slightly worried.
Jaemin had texted him with a vague I wanna see you and Mark doesn't waste a single second as he rushes his way to Jaemin. Truthfully, Mark is nervous because Jaemin hasn't contacted him ever since the day at Mark's room.
When he opens the door to the roof, he's welcomed by the sight of the prettiest boy he's ever seen, sitting cross legged on an old blanket. Mark takes instant notice of his newly dyed hair.
Blue
"Hm? Yeah, I dyed it blue." Jaemin blushes pink from the intent stare.
Mark doesn't even realize he had said it out loud. The soft smile on Jaemin's lips manage to calm him down and he walks over to him, noting how Jaemin had set up a little fancy dinner for them.
"Wow," Mark's mouth hangs agape.
"It's not much and I made do with whatever was in the refrigerator but I cooked this with love."
Mark spares him a glance and Jaemin is still smiling, eyes crinkling in a state of unadulterated happiness that Mark's never seen before. It looked as if Jaemin got rid of a whole chunk of burden off him.
"H-hi. It's been a while," Mark says as he sits down. Jaemin nods, tilting his head to the side.
"Hi, hyung."
"So," Mark clears his throat. "What's the special occasion?"
Jaemin's smile gets exceptionally wider while he moves closer to Mark and grasps his hand in his. "I can't thank you enough, hyung. I don't think even this lifetime can properly tell you how much I appreciate you. You are that sole light in my life when it was slowly darkening out and you pulled me back up on my feet. Made me realize. Made me understand. Made me know. I may not learn what love is from you but you taught me your definition of love and it's beautiful.
"Earlier today, I went home and coincidentally, maybe? I met with Jeno. We... had that talk. It feels good. It feels good to acknowledge everything and to want to move on from it. We didn't fight and actually got to talk it out. I think it went well. I let him go, hyung."
Mark doesn't think it's his place to say anything so he starts to rub circles on the back of Jaemin's hands.
"After all this time, I finally let him go. I realized that maybe we weren't meant together after all and I deserve to be happy as much as he is. I deserve to be loved and even if it wasn't with him," Jaemin casts Mark a shy look. "It'll be with someone else then. Someone who can make me happy. That's what you've been telling me,"
Mark takes a sharp inhale, feeling overwhelmed by the news. His heart runs miles when Jaemin subconsciously leans close so their noses brush against each other's.
"I took your advice, hyung. I talked it out with him and used all the time I needed."
"T-that's good." Mark croaks out. "That's splendid."
The gush of breath hitting Mark straight in the face burns his skin. Jaemin is giggling although Mark can't say he understands the joke.
"While on my way back here, I thought of a lot of stuff." Jaemin mumbles, eyes going droopy while he clings his arms around Mark's shoulders. "From the beginning to how we met and all the things that's happened. It felt so surreal to me. I never expected to be capable of liking someone again. Capable of loving. Or even capable to feel. Yet, I did."
"You do?" Mark asks, eyes going wide at the weight of Jaemin's confession.
"Might I describe what I feel with this? He's my whole moon but you, you're my half-moon. We aren't meant for each other. We aren't perfect together. But here we are."
Jaemin stares right into Mark's warm eyes.
"Together," Mark mumbles under his breath.
"I don't know if a happily ever after can happen between us but I don't care. If it doesn't, then we can make our own happily ever after. You and me both."
Mark's hands tenderly cup Jaemin's face, his fingers delicately touching his cheeks. "Are you satisfied with me?"
"I can't imagine anyone better."
No words are exchanged further as their lips seal the deal, proving the truth in their words. Dreamily, Jaemin presses his lips further and Mark takes him all in.
They pull away for a short second to smile at each other before kissing again. The food is momentarily forgotten in the presence of sharing a thousand kisses under the moonlight, accompanied by the rays of the street light and the love pooling around their minds.
Somewhere in the middle of the kiss, Jaemin smiles brightly, joy oozing out of him as they knock teeth instead and Mark's giggles follow after. Jaemin thumbs the highs of Mark's cheekbones, loving how it feels under his touch and knowing he can do this a lot more times and it won't be weird to do so. Mark is already warm enough yet paired with Jaemin's pink dusted cheeks and ragged breathing, nothing in the universe can compare to this moment, he thinks.
The beauty in his arms and the beauty of the moment they finally put a name to.
Mark, being a little bold, decides to poke his tongue on the seam of Jaemin's lips and despite being quite surprised, Jaemin allows Mark to do what he wants, his hands on Mark's shoulder getting a tad bit tighter. The soft, whiny sounds that leave their throats are swallowed whole as if not wanting to waste even one to the atmosphere around them.
Jaemin uses his strength to push Mark down on the blanket, lips still attached and they part ways when Mark flinches, lifting his leg up.
"We spilled water," Mark utters in disbelief after making sure they indeed knocked down the glass of water onto the blanket, wetting a big area.
Jaemin chuckles, getting on his feet speedily, like he didn't just tire himself out with the make out seconds ago. "This means we have to quickly eat before something else spills."
That night the two spend their small fancy dinner cleaning up the spilled water with an old rag, with laughter and content smiles, with no worries of the future and only the understanding of wanting to make one another happy. Maybe that's all it is that they need.
To be happy and to make the other happy.
To be loved and to love the other.
◑
Finding a soulmate isn't an easy task at all, unless you're Lee Jeno and Na Jaemin, who both know each other since they were children and are neighbours that decide to befriend each other.
In fact, it wasn't like they got along well right from the start. Being kids and childish should have made them closer and friends. Yet, Jeno's shyer, reserved manner contrasted with Jaemin's bubbly, lively attitude and maybe that's why they were compatible. Jeno is Jaemin's calm and Jaemin is Jeno's energy. They complete each other in that sense.
They spent their childhood, teenage years and their awkward puberty stage together with awkward faces and weird limbs until they end up as they are during senior year in high school.
It was awkward, comforting firsts with each other. Building trust and budding love from young until it accumulates on the top, spilling of overload.
In fact, every moment and memory is etched not just in both of their minds but in their hearts too. Although Jeno's is slowly getting cramped and overfilled, Jaemin's place for him is still vast and empty.
Their first touch came in the form of Jaemin grabbing Jeno's hand for an exaggerated handshake and despite not knowing they were soulmates, the little spark remains.
Their first kiss came shortly before Jeno's birthday, which is when he gets Jaemin's name written on his skin. Also known as the day Jeno snuck into Jaemin's room and confessed nervously. It's a fond memory as it's their first kiss and the spark rippled greatly, both of them awkward but the comfort of knowing they're each other's homes make up for it.
Their first time together came in the form of hushed kisses, soft whispers and gentle touches. As expected from Jeno with his warm eyes, fond gaze and tender hold and Jaemin with his overspilling love, loving stare and passionate kisses. If their first kiss is magical, their first time is remarkable.
The day they find out they were each other's soulmates is their happiest day. The pure look of joy in their eyes that day serves as a silent promise that they would do anything for each other and somehow similar to a wedding vow. Til death do us apart, they say after winning plastic rings from an arcade game.
The days that come up after they get together are as clear as the sky on sunny days. Each memory they spent together in their more-than-comfortable home is precious and in that home, they've grown together. Grown up and together. Grown up and apart.
The days that whenever Jaemin came home early, he would cook Jeno his favourite meal and they'd eat it when Jeno gets back from his class. The days that whenever Jeno is earlier, he'd clean up their home and swipe everything spotless so Jaemin comes home to less chores and a loving boyfriend with sweet kisses.
The days they spent huddled in the living room on the couch, watching a random TV show or their favourite movies and carrying out the dialogues perfectly. The days they spent lazing around on bed, cuddling for warmth even on the warmest days because they like the touch. The days they spent experimenting with different hobbies from indoor activities like baking, planting, matching puzzles to biking the whole neighbourhood thrice.
That's all it can be.
Memories of the past.
Days they've spent together.
Precious moments of their life.
It's all the good things and none of the bad ones. Because at the end of the day, even after getting hurt to the point of doubting himself, Jaemin still thinks of Jeno as his home and Jeno, despite getting confused and making countless wrong decisions consciously, he thinks home is Jaemin.
Although still with deep feelings for him, Jaemin can no longer hold back and wait. He wouldn't do that to himself. He knows he doesn't deserve to be treated the way he's been treated and he deserves the love he wants and needs.
Jeno can't hold him back either. He has no right to. He's made a choice, no matter how right or wrong it is, he has no right to stop Jaemin and make him come back to him. He's made a choice he'll regret and he'll bring it until his last breath.
Because his only wish is and will always be–
Jaemin's happiness.
And Jaemin found his happiness with someone else instead.
And Jeno will let him go.
To someone who deserves to love Jaemin and to be loved by him.
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