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They were arguing. It wasn't really unusual for them to do so, however. This time it was over something silly, that doesn't really matter. The thing that does matter was that it sparked some other arguments, which caused almost a full on fight. Sitting at a table in Kankri's hive, they continued their banter.
"I'll never know why you keep doing these things. I was only making a point about how you should watch your language around certain people, but you had to start an argument with me over my simple proposition of a change for the better."
"Because I hate myself." Karkat said it almost as a joke, his tone dry and devoid of emotion as he rolled his eyes.
"Why?"
His movements stopped entirely, his eyes narrowing as he looked back at his dancestor. He was leaning forward, his fingers laced together in an unusual yet genuine display of interest in what Karkat had to say. All the frustration from the earlier argument seemed to have completely left him, replaced with curiosity.
"What?"
That was all he could manage to reply with. He had just said it as a joke, he didn't actually expect Kankri to take him seriously. Although he shouldn't have put it past him. He was definitely the type of guy to take a self-deprecating joke seriously and get legitimately concerned for his well-being. Kankri leaned forward further, tilting his head to the side in questioning.
"I said, why do you hate yourself? It's an innocent question. I'm only curious, after all. You mention it a lot so you're obviously not shy about it. If you're really serious about you saying you hate yourself, there's no reason why you can't tell me. You have a tendency to tell anyone in a five foot radius about your crippling self-hatred. When you do that, I start to think that it would be beneficial for you to talk about it to someone. I try to make it clear that you can confide and trust in me." His tone was still that monotonous drone he insisted on speaking in, but there was also the tiniest hint of concern. It was gone when he spoke again, and he went back to his lecture voice.
"If you're not serious about it, you shouldn't joke about things like that. There are very real people out there that do struggle with self esteem issues and self hatred and you're making a mockery of them when you say things like that-"
"Fine. You know what? I was serious."
Kankri's eyes lidded and his eyebrows twitched upwards, but he didn't say anything else. His posture straightened again, and he gave Karkat a slight nod, a gesture to continue.
"I don't appreciate you psychoanalyzing me. It pisses me off. But, the only thing that pisses me off more is when you're right. And you were. At least this one time." Karkat drummed his fingertips against the surface of the table, eyes flitting away from Kankri's intense gaze. It was unnerving, although he was aware Kankri probably didn't know that. There was only so much staring you could take from someone who didn't even have fucking pupils. Eye contact was a little hard.
"It's not as if I'm sobbing and dribbling all over myself in self pity, or begging other people to give me attention or help but I guess the whole self hatred thing has ingrained itself so far into my personality that it's made itself into my humor. Or lack of it." Kankri nodded, finally speaking up again.
"Karkat, I really do appreciate it when you're being honest like this. But you're not answering my question. Why do you hate yourself?"
"Don't say it like that."
"Like what?"
Karkat exhaled, his cheeks puffing out as the air escaped. "You know, like the way you're saying it. You're saying it like it's a big deal."
"It is a big deal!" Kankri looked taken aback, as if he was personally offended by the idea that Karkat didn't take his own emotions seriously. The younger troll knew that there was no point in arguing with Kankri, as he was probably one of the most headstrong people he had ever had the pleasure of meeting.
"Fine, whatever. I don't get it, though. Why shouldn't I hate me?" He gestured to himself. In hindsight, it was a stupid thing to ask. As if Kankri would suddenly realize that Karkat was actual putrid garbage and agree that Karkat should hate himself.
Kankri tilted his head again, and Karkat momentarily wished that Kankri's eyes were readable instead of just stark white. "Karkat, it really saddens me that you don't see the good in yourself." He didn't even have a chance to finish his statement when Karkat interrupted with a loud snort.
"Good in me? Kankri. Get your head out of your nook and actually look at me. I mean, I might seem better than I actually am because I'm the first living being you've seen in sweeps. Not to bring up some sensitive topic or whatever, but you don't see me like I see me, and everyone else sees me." Kankri's expression hardened, and he folded his arms over his chest.
"Don't expect me to drop the subject just because you don't trust my judgement. Give me some credit, and give yourself some as well. You don't know me well enough if you expect me to sit here and agree with you and tell you you're as hateable as you believe you are. Do you really think I'm going to just let you say these untrue things about yourself? If your answer is yes, you have a lot of soul searching to do." His sharp tongue was getting the best of him again. Back off a bit, he reminded himself. He's going through some obviously tough times and chiding him for his feelings isn't going to get him anywhere.
"Oh come on, cut me some slack. There are plenty of things to hate about me. It's not like I have some sort of charming personality, or really, any good character qualities. Hell, I don't even have any good looks to redeem myself with." Karkat wrinkled up his nose, pinching some skin underneath his sweater on his side, muttering a curse under his breath.
"Karkat."
"What."
"I'm only going to say this once and I think you should listen to me when I say to shut up."
Karkat looked up to see Kankri had stood up, gently pushing his chair back underneath the table. He walked around to the other side, giving the sleeve of Karkat's sweater a little tug in his direction. "Follow me, please."
That was weird. Karkat stood up as Kankri started towards his room, which was kept completely tidy, with hardly a stray piece of lint on the floor. There was a full body mirror in the corner that Kankri led him to.
"I'm going to make one request that you do this. If you would, stand in front of that mirror and tell me exactly what you don't like about your physical appearance. Leave personality flaws to the side for now." His tone was dead serious.
"You're making this more awkward than it has to be." He shuffled his feet, giving his reflection an uncomfortable glance.
Kankri scoffed in response. "I'm the one making it awkward? Karkat, you had no problem really articulating what it meant to hate yourself back at the table. I'm asking you to do the same thing standing in front of a mirror. I'm doing this so I can get a better understanding of the aspects you dislike about yourself."
Running a hand through his hair and brushing it out of his face with a huff, Karkat attempted to get out of it with one last "Do I have to?"
"Yes."
Karkat looked back in the mirror at himself, and Kankri standing next to him. He was a good head shorter than his dancestor, which brought up his first point. "Way too short." He muttered, tilting his chin up and standing on the balls of his feet to give him a couple inches more. Still not good enough, but it's not like he would get some sort of growth spurt any time soon. His hands traveled down to his sides, where he poked and prodded at them with an expression of slight disgust on his face.
Kankri watched in silence, which was unusual for him. He had a million things to say right now, to tell Karkat he was wrong- but he kept them to himself. If he butted in, it would only make Karkat retort with how it was true and the last thing he wanted right now was another argument. He just waited patiently for Karkat to be done.
His voice was thick as he continued, eyes trailing up from his torso to his face. He brought a hand up to gently touch his cheek as he tilted his head from side to side, eyebrows pulled down together in an expression resembling a glare. "Ignoring the fucking obvious glaring bags under my eyes, my nose is too big, and my face just kind of looks lumpy." He pushed on his cheeks a little before looking over at Kankri.
"Are we done here? This is really stupid and I don't think I want to keep looking at my reflection before I projectile vomit all over your mirror in a fit of rage and disgust."
Kankri shrugged slightly. "It's up to you whether you're done or not. If you think you've brought up all of your points then yes. Also, please don't vomit on my mirror. I would much rather you move somewhere else if you feel as if you're going to be sick." He knew that Karkat was exaggerating, but he felt the need to make sure he was completely okay.
"Fine, then I'm done. Is that all you needed? To just get off on me explaining all the shitty parts of myself while you watch in some fucked up voyeurism kink scene? That's really weird." He couldn't keep the slight tremor out of his voice, even when he was insulting Kankri. He could kind of understand why Kankri wanted him to do that. It was a little less believable when you say stuff like that when you're staring right at yourself. He curled his fingers around the cuff of his sweater with nervousness.
"That was all I needed. And I need you to know that what you're saying about yourself isn't true. I know you don't trust my judgement, because apparently being dead has jaded me. But really, you're not what you think you are." He took a small step closer to him, and Karkat took a step back.
"Stop saying that. Of course you would say it, cause you're practically perfect. Don't give me that shit. You're tall, you're thin, you're perfect! Back the fuck off, you don't even know what this is like." The tremulous tone of his voice became more pronounced, and he took another step back until he was pressed against the wall.
Kankri bit at the inside of his lower lip, looking at the floor. "Karkat, I'm not perfect. I'm very far from it. I just think that you should at least see yourself in a more positive light."
Karkat felt his face flush with a mixture of being upset and angry, and he sniffled involuntarily. "That's fucking easy for you to say. You heard what I said and you're denying it but I know it's true."
"Just because it's true doesn't mean you're not wonderful, Karkat."
Karkat's eyes narrowed with confusion, and he shook his head. "Don't say that. I think we're done here." He moved away from the wall, roughly wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. He wasn't even sure how he felt, angry, sick, confused- he passed the mirror, making sure he didn't catch a glance at himself as he passed.
"You know you can't go on like this. Hating yourself so much it pains you to look in the mirror. That's unhealthy. Whether or not you like yourself is your own personal choice, but you're going to have to accept yourself someday. You cannot do this to yourself." He had a hint of something in his voice- anger, determination? Karkat wasn't sure but he stopped where he stood, staring down at his shoes.
"I know." His voice was small, a change from the almost-shout he had just been speaking in. This was a fucked up emotional rollercoaster and he wanted to get the hell off of it.
"You know I care about you, right?" Kankri's voice was quiet, to match his. "I'm trying to make sure you-"
He didn't finish his sentence, a slightly shocked expression on his face as he took a step back from the force Karkat had practically slammed into him with. His arms were tightly wrapped around his waist, and Karkat's head was buried in the fabric of Kankri's sweater.
"Say it again." It wasn't a command, but more of a plead, his voice cracking midway through. Kankri was still a little shocked, but he soon composed himself. His tone wasn't lecturing or condescending. He had swapped that tone out with one that was more patient and understanding, which was unusual for him.
"I care about you very much, Karkat." Kankri's hand rubbed small circles into Karkat's back, the other tangled up in Karkat's hair as he pressed his face into Kankri's chest. He felt Karkat nod against him, his arms tightening their grip, fingers balled up in the back of his sweater. He leaned down, gently pressing his lips against the top of Karkat's head.
"Please, just one more time." His voice was muffled, but Kankri could pick up the tone, begging for more assurance. Kankri quietly shushed him, combing his fingers through Karkat's hair.
"I love you, Karkat. Someone has to if you won't."
A/N: Fanart of this fic by Mutantred on tumblr.