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"Younghyun-ah" Wonpil calls out.
He freezes from his footsteps upon the mention of his name. Hesitation to turn to the person behind kept him from moving. He's terrified to look in case Wonpil will make his heart flutter yet the latter won't want him anymore. However, he is staring to those wide doe eyes. Ignoring the people they are with.
"Do you want to grab a coffee?" He offers.
The hopeful gaze made Younghyun nod and follow the latter. Now, they're both sitting face to face in silence and the moist of their cold coffee drips slowly from the untouched cup.
"How.. are you?" Younghyun starts off with a strange atmosphere drawing between them compared to when they were strangers meeting for a blind date.
"I'm better now" Wonpil responds with a faint smile stinging his heart. "I know you were texting Dowoon, you don't have to worry about me"
"That's a relief.." Younghyun says as he put his both hands to his cup, wetting his palm with the moist coming out from the cup.
"I was on a therapy after what happened. Luckily, I didn't have to do it longer. I used to be on a therapy for two years, you know" Wonpil says loosely.
To Younghyun, Wonpil used to be hesitant and careful. Although Wonpil tries not to be caught, he always knew something was up hence, hearing him speak with ease somehow felt warm and tight that there might be a reason as to why Wonpil is telling him this all of a sudden.
"Why are you telling me all of this?"
"I couldn't tell you when we were together. I was afraid you’d be disappointed and you’ll leave me.. but.. I left you behind instead. I'm sorry"
Younghyun avoided the soft gaze striking on him.
"You still love him.. and I told you to use me. There's nothing to apologize" He says with regret as he is reminded of his shattered hope of one day, Wonpil will look at him if he tries hard enough.
"He used to be my everything" The words stabbed Younghyun's heart, wishing he could skip this part of the discussion. He doesn’t want to hear how much Wonpil love someone else instead of him. "He promised to always stay by my side but in the end he left me. Its my fault. I'm stuck in the past even if you're in front of me"
Younghyun licks his lips as he look down to his drink. Mind filled with hopeless thoughts. From the sound of it, he doesn't stand a chance even if that person brought him so much pain.
"What did he do to you to be like this?" Younghyun states in resentment rather than asking.
"Its not his fault" Wonpil's voice cracked, returning his gaze to the latter. Wonpil's gaze glittered in crystal like his, except the person he love is tearing up for someone else. "That person.. died on a car accident" The unexpected reason made Younghyun’s eyes widen in surprise. "I witnessed it. I was traumatized by the incident that I had to go through a therapy. You were curious why I don‘t drive although there’s a car on my garage. I used to drive.. but even after I was cured I still get panic attacks when I try to drive”
Younghyun blinks up and down. And the next second turned to another silence before Wonpil continued.
"The accident we witnessed that day was a close call. What if I actually bring misfortune to anyone who'll love me?"
"Why? Is the thought of me dying hurts you?" Younghyun asks in a small voice.
"What?" Wonpil asks under his breath. Brows knitted in disbelief upon hearing Younghyun's question.
"Did I ever cross your mind? Did you miss me?" There's full of sorrow drawn to the deep of his eyes. And Wonpil's knitted brows faded, eyes filled with remorse.
"Younghyun-ah" Wonpil once again says under his breath. Tears brimming on his eyes from guilt.
"Tell me. I've been wondering all these times. Did you like me at least? Even just a bit..?" Although there’s a desperate hope in his heart, his voice gradually faded on the thin air.
The silence only deepen the wound carved in Younghyun's heart. The days they spent together, his efforts to replace that person. Everything. Was it all worthless?
"I'm sorry for what happened to Sungjin." He never forgot the name. "It must be hard on you but now, seeing how bright you are fills me with joy. I’m glad you’re honest with me. But why is this scaring me instead? You’re not telling me to give up on you, aren’t you?”
"I'm sick. I'm incapable to love. I will only bring misfortune. I don’t want—“
"Just because you witnessed similar accident doesn't mean it'll happen again. Someone could fail a thousand times. A kid could fall and be bruised for many times. Everyone may break but they will love all over again. The kid will grow up. And the failure will learn to find success.
Sungjin was unfortunate. You went through a lot because of him but you tried to live without him. You even met me. Life is a trial and error, Wonpil. You can always try again. Do you remember when I said I'm letting you go because I want to give you time? I can always wait for you. B—but if you're only using him as an excuse to cut me off, then you don't have to do that. I will let you go.. I won't wait. Just tell me.."
Younghyun clenches his jaw as his heart tighten, suffocating him. And the glimmering tears he was trying to hold finally dropped on its own. He harshly wiped the tears blurring the image of the man in front of him.
"That's not true.. I'm not using him and I won't let myself use you again. You deserve someone who doesn't have flaws like mine. Who will sincerely love you. You shouldn’t be feeling this way..” Wonpil cried.
"But I am feeling this way. And I still love you. I don’t need a perfect person, I just.. I need you..”
"I'm sorry” He looked on his both hands clenched on his lap. “But please.. forget me"
There is a hammering in his chest as tears suddenly fell like waterfall upon hearing the last word. Its not like its the first time he had his heart broken however, Wonpil might be the person he have loved the most. Its such a pity.
“I regret it..” He says after he brought a deep sigh to stop himself from being pathetic. “I shouldn’t have went to that blind date.. why did I do that when I usually don’t?” Younghyun quietly chuckles as he wipe his tears away. Begging himself to stop crying for someone he want to realize is unworthy of his tears. He wants to think that way however, his heart will always remember Wonpil as the most precious person he had loved.
Wonpil couldn’t bear to see the hurt from Younghyun’s face so he kept his head low as he listen to him. He whispered apologies with his eyes close as tears fall.
”Stop apologizing. To love someone is not your fault. I hope you can move on from him someday so you could love someone without making your partner anxious”
Wonpil looked up with the still glistening and apologetic gaze from his eyes.
“You take care of yourself, Wonpil.. okay?”
“I’m sorry..”
“I’ll be okay in time..”
"Hyung?" In the evening, Dowoon calls out as he enter the older’s house. Kicking his shoes off to get inside and search for the man who is lying in his bed.
"Dowoon-ah.." He immediately sat up upon seeing the knitted brows on his friend‘s face.
"Why aren’t you picking up your phone? I heard you met Younghyun-ssi. What did you do?" There‘s an outrage on his tone as he sit on the bed facing the older.
"How did you..?"
"He thanked me for all the times I helped him. It sounded like a goodbye message"
Wonpil looked down and nibbled his blanket.
"I told him everything. I told him to forget me" He says quietly.
"Hyung! Why? I thought you like him.. did your feelings change after seeing him again?" Dowoon exclaimed with so much disappointment in his eyes.
"Dowoon-ah.. I'm sorry I let you down" Wonpil reaches out for the younger’s hands. Eyes filled with glitters, thus breaking Dowoon’s heart. Wondering where it went wrong. If setting up his hyung on a date was wrongful.
"Why hyung?” Dowoon squeezes his hand. “You have to tell me. You promised you won't hide anything from me"
The pleading eyes always soften Wonpil’s heart, its a part of him that he couldn’t erase when it comes to Dowoon.
"Its just.. he's too much for me to handle. I can't even take care of myself"
"Didn't he say he'll wait? Was it him who changed his mind after you told him everything? I didn't know he's such a—“
"No, Dowoon-ah. I asked him to stop" He says in defense and once again, Dowoon calmed down although his heart can’t be put at ease.
"Hyung.. why are you doing this to yourself?" Wonpil bit his lower lip and shake his head.
“I was thinking a lot Dowoon-ah.. if I should keep him waiting. If it’s right for me to keep him by my side. But.. we coincidentally met earlier.. and I realized how terrible was I. I shouldn’t be doing this to someone who deserves better than me. He should’ve not met me in the first place. What if the incident happens again? And I return to this state. I don’t want to break his heart. And most of all, I don’t want to break mine. I already went through so much after losing Sungjin. I don’t want to deal with separation again. It will kill me" He wanted to sound selfish. He wanted to make it as if he is the most coward person in this world.
“But you told me.. you want to see him. You missed him. I thought you wanted to get back together”
“I miss him” Wonpil confesses. “But I.. I don’t intend to go back. When we spoke earlier, you know what he told me? Everyone may break but they'll love all over again ” A smile formed to Wonpil’s lips however there’s a gloss reflecting to Dowoon’s eyes. Its the same glint he once saw in his eye when Sungjin left. “You don't know how glad I am when he said that. I'm sure he'll love again.”
"But you're crying because of him.. It's not too late hyung.. you can still call and say you changed your mind.."
"I won’t do that, Dowoon-ah"
“Do you still keep Sungjin hyung’s photos?” Dowoon asks quietly.
“Dowoon-ah..”
“I know I’m the least person you want to hear this from but I want you to realize that what you’re doing right now is wrong”
“Don’t be like this..”
“I’m tired hyung.. I’m sick of seeing you cry over someone who won’t return anymore. Do you think you’re the only one who’s hurting?” Dowoon clenches his jaw as the uncontrollable tears began to fall.
“Do you really think Sungjin hyung is only precious for you? He is also important for me but.. no matter what we do, there’s no way to bring him back. I miss him but why do I have to feel the same way towards you? Its like you’ve gone away for five years hyung! Please..” Dowoon squeezes his eyes shut as he sob. Flashing all the good memories he had with Sungjin and Wonpil.
“I’m sorry..”
“I did my best hyung. I’m sorry.. I need space.” Dowoon says before he stood up from his seat to leave however Wonpil was quick to grab a hold of his hand.
“Where are you going?”
“To Younghyun-ssi. I’ll have to apologize. This is all my fault” And he walked out of the room. Leaving his hyung in tears.
"Why did you ask to meet, Dowoon-ssi?” Younghyun looked exhausted like he had just cried. Dark circles in his eyes.
Dowoon brought his feet inside the older’s house. Seated across each other.
“I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Wonpil hyung really likes you. So can you wait a little more? He’s just being stubborn right now..”
“If he‘s stubborn, wouldn’t that mean he’s not yet ready?”
"Though he's done the therapy, he's still living in fear of losing his love ones. His parents aren't there anymore and losing Sungjin hyung was the peak of it.. He’s stubborn because he’s grieving. He’s blaming himself. Thus, he couldn’t escape from the past. When I started bugging him about blind dates, it was because I know he was ready to live again.. I saw life in his eyes after you guys started dating and I thought, I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. But..” Dowoon took a long pause and spoke lowly. “I didn't want this to happen.. I'm—I'm really sorry.."
"No, its not your fault Dowoon-ssi.."
“I’m not telling you this to take pity. I’m saying this because I trust your love for hyung. So, can’t you just not be miserable and stay together?" Dowoon pleads.
“I understand your intention.. however, we cannot force someone who isn’t ready. You have to give him time.. until he can finally open up to someone”.
“I’m anxious.. Wonpil hyung hasn't liked someone all these years.. What if you stop liking him? You said it yourself.. that anyone could break and love all over again.."
Younghyun’s eyes quivers. He didn’t mean to say it that way. Wonpil knew it wasn’t his intention.
"D—did he tell you that?"
"Hyung is not easy. It’s difficult to for him to open up but what if you actually find someone else? What am I gonna do with him?”
Younghyun swallows through his dry throat. Since yesterday, thinking of Wonpil was like a prick of thorns and he couldn’t help but wonder if the other had ever thought of him as much as he does and even if its not the same, at least, sometimes. He wished he would cross Wonpil’s mind.
“Is.. it true?” His voice cracks letting Dowoon deeply stare at him.
“What?” Dowoon asks under his breath.
“That he likes me?” He asked in a small voice. His eyes shifts to his lap with his hands clasped together.
“Hyung is a bad liar, of course he do” Dowoon calmly explains.
The solemnity of the atmosphere kept Dowoon in silence. Realizing, Wonpil has never revealed his true feelings.
“That’s a relief..” Younghyun squeezes his eye shut before he let out a sigh. He wipes the tears that has formed in his eyes with a smile leaving on his face. “I’ve been worried all these times.. if everything we did together was all insignificant to him.. Even if he's sometimes looking elsewhere, I still loved every moment with him" Younghyun explains. Tears still spilling from his eyes. A sudden chuckle of embarrassment resonated the room and it only broke Dowoon's heart. “Why am I like this? I’m sorry.."
"You two are miserable.." Dowoon says as he thread his hair with his fingers.
A snicker plays out on Younghyun's voice, not because it's funny but because he feels more miserable hearing the word from someone. Never had he imagine to cry for loving someone. Never had he thought he would like someone this much.
"I'm just hopeless. So, thank you for telling me. Its important for me"
"Younghyun-ssi.. help me convince Wonpil hyung that breaking up with you was a wrong decision"
"Honestly, that’s what I intended to do.. but I’ve hurt him earlier, I don’t want to hurt him again..”
“Listen, he don't love Sungjin hyung anymore.. he‘s just afraid he’d forget him."
"Why.. are you going to this extent? Is it because you set us up that you feel guilty? There's no friend who would do this much.."
"I can.” He says. “Wonpil hyung is not just a friend.. he's my brother. We grew up in the same neighborhood along with Sungjin hyung. And they've been dating since we graduated in high school so losing Sungjin hyung wasn't just him losing a boyfriend. I lost a friend too and I don’t want to lose another one. I want him to be happy. Wonpil hyung used to be the weirdest person in my life and now he isn’t. He doesn’t laugh the way he used to. He doesn’t annoy me anymore. Hyung became a different person after what happened. I thought if I see him go back to himself then maybe, I can finally let Sungjin hyung go too.. This is the only method I know.. so help me out Younghyun-ssi” He pleads.
“I don’t know Dowoon-ssi..” Concern keeps growing on Younghyun’s thoughts. He’s afraid he’d only hurt Wonpil if he force himself in.
“Please think about it.. I know it’s been hard on you but I still believe that you can fix this relationship. Don’t end it now. Not when you still love each other”
The night is cold and the rain is pouring outside. How many times Wonpil had contacted Dowoon’s phone however there’s had been no response. He had turned his phone off so he had no option but to call Younghyun’s number. He thought he should at least try for at least three times and if he doesn’t pick up, it would mean Younghyun doesn’t want to speak with him. And it’s alright. He’ll accept it. However, Younghyun picked up on the third time and he could hear the loud noise of the rain from the background.
"Hyun-ah” He quietly says. Silence took over for a moment as Wonpil waits for him to respond.
“Why did you call?" He finally asked after a few counts.
"Did Dowoon.. perhaps visited you?" He carefully asked.
"How’d you.. know?”
"I.. I upset him when we were having a conversation.. I can't contact him" He explains.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Is he still there?”
“He left already..”
“Did he tell you anything?"
"Hmm.. About Sungjin.."
"I'm sorry. It has nothing to do with you but I keep bringing problems.. whatever he said, don't mind it.. I'll talk to him"
“Don’t treat me like an outsider Pil-ah.. I still have the right to know..”
“I’m sorry..” He whispers.
“If you are—“
Wonpil cuts him off in fear Younghyun will say something he is afraid to hear.
“Hyun-ah, I‘ve been reflecting a lot and I realized you were right.. You have every right to regret meeting me. You should be angry at me, you can curse at me. I will understand”
“Pil-ah.. don’t be like that. Can we see each other again?”
“No. Don’t do that” He quickly declines.
“Right. I know. But.. it’s raining, and I can’t stop thinking of you.. do you remember our first date? I haven’t realized it before but we actually made a lot of memories. They were all good memories to me..”
“Younghyun-ah..”
“You’re the only person who dumped me thrice. How do I forget you?” Younghyun softly chuckles and Wonpil once again tears up as he listen to him achingly.
“I’m—“ He couldn’t continue when the uncontrollable tears kept him from speaking and he doesn’t wish for Younghyun to hear it.
“I have something to tell you.. open the door..”
“What?”
“Open the door..”
Wonpil then quickly ran to the front door from his room and found Younghyun standing outside with an umbrella, slightly wet from the rain. He quickly wiped his tears away.
"Hyun-ah.. why did you— come in” He opens the door widely to let him inside.
“It’s okay. I know you don’t want to see me so I’ll leave right away”
Wonpil remained silent as he wait for Younghyun to speak who is looking at him in sorrow and in pain.
“I heard from Dowoon.. whether its true or not, I‘ll believe him. I want to say thank you. Thank you for loving me. Even if you never said it, I felt it and I was happy while I was with you..” Younghyun smiles with tears falling from his eyes. “I’m.. I’m sorry.. I tried not to cry but it’s difficult to do” He says as he wipe his tears away. “What I said earlier at the cafe, don’t believe it. I don’t regret meeting you. Not even an ounce. I’m serious. That’s it. I’ll go now. Bye, Wonpil”
Younghyun left with heavy heart as tears kept pouring from his eyes like how the sky is screaming loudly tonight as if he is being comforted by it. He sobbed on his way back and hoped that tomorrow would be different. That all the pain he had tonight will be washed away in the morning, like the rain’s traces when the sun shines.
The next day, Younghyun woke up from the strange scent on his nose. He knows it isn’t his home and he realized he’s at the hospital wearing a hospital gown.
“Younghyun-ah..” A voice of someone so familiar to him cried his name.
“Wonpil.. He says under his breath as he try to sit up. “What happened?”
“You passed out on the street. After someone found you, they called me right away and brought you here. You were already running a high fever when you came to see me. Why did you have to come to my place?” Wonpil nags as tears remain falling from his eyes.
“I’m.. sorry..” Is all he could say.
“You were asleep for two days.. you don’t know how worried I was of you. I thought something happened to you”
“I’m sorry.. don’t cry anymore..” As much as he wants to embrace Wonpil and envelope him in his arms, he tried to hold the urge. Even the bit of reason to wipe his tears away that has been hurting him so much to see.
“You should go home. I’m fine now. I can take care of myself..”
“Don’t be sick..” Wonpil worries with his eyes all on Younghyun. And once again, those eyes are squeezing his heart and crushing it into pieces. He’s too terrified of it. Too afraid to hold on to it and believe that Wonpil might want to give them a second chance.
“It won’t happen again. And please, you should stop worrying about me. You’re making it difficult for me to let you go.. so can you consider my feelings at least? Hmm? Help me Wonpil.. please” He begs. And his tears once again fell although he tried his best not to. “If you don’t want me, stop worrying about me. Whether I die on the street or something happens to me, pretend you didn’t hear it. Don’t come”
Wonpil finally realized how much he is hurting Younghyun. The amount of pain he is feeling right now must not be comparable to how much he did to Younghyun. He didn’t know. He didn’t thought someone else would love him again like how Sungjin did. And he’s afraid, if ever he take Younghyun’s hand and he fall deeper, what if he’ll be left all alone again?
He doesn’t speak anymore. And cried and cried until the only sound resonating on the room is their sobs.
Without noticing, Dowoon has entered the room and saw the two of them crying. He couldn’t help but find the two of them pitiful. He froze standing on the door and watch the two of them with an empty look on his eyes. A little later, Younghyun’s friend, Jae arrived and saw Dowoon standing on the front door.
Jae could only sigh after seeing the painful sight. He then grabbed Dowoon’s hand to his to get his attention and the shorter looked up on him.
“Let’s leave them alone..” He whispers.
“Okay.. just a second..” Dowoon says and walked in, leaving Jae on the door.
“Wonpil hyung.. what do you want me to do with you? Should I drag you out or should I leave you two alone?” He says with a colder tone. And Wonpil knows how tired Dowoon is because of him.
But he doesn’t respond. He neither wants to leave or stay. Or he just don’t want to go until Younghyun stopped crying.
And Younghyun doesn’t say anything either. How much he wants for Wonpil to go so he could stop his heart beating for the man but then it would mean, they won’t see each other again. He hate how his words and mind aren’t in the same page.
“I’ll leave you alone. You better fix this thing up” Dowoon says before he walked out and left with Jae’s hand on his.
And Wonpil somehow became so envious of Dowoon. How he wish everything would be so easy for him like how it is with his friend.
“Why didn’t you go?” Younghyun says after the door was closed.
“I don’t know.. I feel like I shouldn’t leave you alone”
“Why? Do you still have something left to say? Do you want to take me back?” Younghyun looks up on him with his tired eyes.
Once again, Wonpil felt like he is going to cry at the sight. He couldn’t deny it, he did love Younghyun.
Without noticing, he doesn’t see Sungjin through Younghyun’s face. He doesn’t think of Sungjin when he doesn’t speak. All he could think of is Younghyun’s well-being. He wants him to get better and doesn’t hurt again. For some strange reason, Sungjin is slowly disappearing on his thoughts and his mind is full of Younghyun.
“You were right..” He says in defeat. “I love you.. but I’m—“ Wonpil was cut off when Younghyun leaned in and held his chin as he pressed his lips on Wonpil.
“I don’t want to hear it..” Younghyun shuts his eyes. With a very close gap and their nose touched, he opened his eyes brimming with tears. “Please.. answer this. Is it Sungjin or me?”
Wonpil’s eyes widen in the sudden question. His eyes brimmed with tears as he choke in silence.
Younghyun could only see the consciousness and worries in his eyes. But somehow, it feels comforting to see Wonpil thinking about it. He knows there’s only an inch chance for Wonpil to choose him but at least he had put a fight even for the last time. And if ever he’s gonna be hurt, he’ll be sure of the answer with no questions left. It’s Sungjin.. the man he could not forget.
However, Wonpil still doesn’t answer in words instead, he placed his hand on Younghyun’s nape and pressed his lips on his. Holding a longer kiss and Younghyun wished it won’t end.
But it happened eventually. And he couldn’t even hold onto Wonpil.
“I can’t decide. I was so sure back then. But I can’t choose. I’m sorry.. for hurting you over and over again. I’m sorry“ Wonpil sobs.
“Why does this feel comforting? At least I know I had a space in your heart” Younghyun smiles, like the way he did on that rainy night at his doorsteps. “It’s okay, Wonpil-ah.. lets stop this. I’m really.. really.. letting you go now. Just in case, if I ever regret this and I try to find you again, even if I beg you to see me again, don’t do it. Okay?”
They held their gazes to each other and although it take time before Wonpil could respond “Okay..” and he’s answer is crushing Younghyun’s heart, he held his tears so Wonpil doesn’t have to remember him crying even for the last time they see each other.
“Thank you for taking care of me. Go now..” Younghyun whispers.
And this time, he doesn’t look at Wonpil leave and only waited until the doors are closed and he is once again left alone before he started to cry again. If only he could rip his heart out, he would do it so the throbbing pain would finally stop.
Until when do I have to cry to forget you?