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Merzost’.
Abomination.
That is what the old woman called you.
It wasn’t your unusual gait or your unnaturally fluorescent eyes or even the fact that you could feel the press and pull of minds just as easily as you felt the heat radiate off another human.
No, you could see it in her clouded eyes and the way she shivered in your presence. She was old. She was an old woman in Gotham. She knew what death smelled like and oh, how it rolled off of you like a thick miasma. Dripping thick and suffocating.
No, no, it was none of those blemishes. It was something more… fundamental, unshakeable. Something you could not slough off as it nestled and stewed under your skin.
Even now, you can still feel the heft and weight of the old woman’s terror as she gazed at you.
You tried to smother the smile that ripples through your features.
As it carved itself on your lips, a cold sort of fear engulfed you.
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Your mind spent far too much of your time in someone else’s skin that crawling back to your own felt wrong. Your mind and body roiled against each other. Blistering. Scraping. Scorching. Peeling away from each other as they are forcefully melded back together into an awkward human-like shape.
It was an odd feeling, a feeling of permanence and solidness that felt completely foreign to you.
But this wasn’t what you wanted. You didn’t want their eyes. Not raking over your still roiling flesh. Not carving, inspecting, appraising. Pausing too long at your leg, smiling knowing it made you weak. Your stomach rebelled, twisting. You felt sick. You hated these moments. You hated when you and whatever this nervous scared thing this was blended together.
“You’ll be so pretty when you grow up,” the man whispered to you. The excitement in his eyes made your skin itch. You swore there were boils forming on your skin. This was the only time your mind and body coalesced when your skin tore itself away from uninvited touch.
The man grasped your face with large calloused hands, squishing the loose tufts of your hair to your skin- prickling. It made the itch on your skin worsen, the unsettling boil in your gut more pronounced. Men like him, when they looked at you, soaking up the sight of you with hungry eyes, they saw your mother-soft, shining undine. Less of the knife-toothed ruskla you knew she was.
Or maybe they did know.
Maybe this is why they-
“You’ll be so so pretty, baby,”
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Your mother held you tight. The smell of lilac in her hair was almost salient enough to overcome the pungent odor of copper in the air.
“Shhhhhhh. Shhhhh, It’s ok now-” She whispered, pressing a gentle kiss on your brow. “Mama’s got you. It’s ok.”
Her words rang hollow and stark in contrast to the death rattle echoing from the man on the tiled floor of your kitchen. His intact eye still staring at you as your mother smoothed your hair with her blood-covered hand.
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From the way your skin itched, you could tell Jeffrey Woodfield was a monster. Not the fun -movie kind with cheap latex masks so fake it made the pink flamingos in Florida look like the genuine article. Now that you thought about it, you really would rather be in Florida right now. The weather would be warm, your joints would ache a lot less, Disney Land probably didn’t get half as many clown attacks, and there would be sooooo many old people to scam.
“Baby,” he whispered huskily into your ear, sliding his filthy hands up your waist and keeping you planted firmly against the brick wall. You could practically feel the hives begin to pucker at your hips. Your breaths were shallow and nervous as he presses your small body into the wall. You asked him to leave you alone. You asked him to give you space. You thought about screaming or asking for help or anything but the way your lungs shrink into your chest made it hard to so much as a squeak.
This wasn’t happening.
You were 13.
This wasn’t happening.
Behind Jeffrey, you saw your mother, gore ladden and goddamn beautiful. She smiled, lips painted red and slick with fresh blood. Man or pig’s, it did not matter. To her there was no difference. Man or pig, they both squeal.
You could feel everything in you unfurl and relax. Mother was here. No, no. She wasn’t. Logically, you knew she was somewhere else. Where that somewhere was you hoped it was at least 6 feet under the dirt. For everyone’s sake.
But with your mother there you knew what to do. Muscle memory whirred to life and suffused throughout your body. Fluttering your long lashes and running your small hands up his chest, you felt him bend toward your touch, leaning low enough for you to cup his face in your hands.
You measured the odds.
His neck was too thick to snap. You bit back a snarl of frustration.
You slid yourself along the brick wall, inching both of you towards the dumpster.
“Acting shy now?” he breathed against your skin sounding like a panting bulldog. You could feel the hives pucker there too. You struggled to keep your face carefully sculpted, not letting any of the fear and disgust slip out.
He led the way, pulling you off the wall keeping a death grip on your wrist. A manic smile, too wide, too full of teeth stretches across your lips when he grabs your non-dominant hand. Using your good foot, you scooped up a brick and snatched it with your free hand. You tugged at your wrist nearly wrenching yourself free. He kept a steady grip on you. It didn’t matter. He turned to you snarling, impatient. You slammed the brick into his face.
He
Went
Down
With a satisfying thud, he was on the ground. The joints in your leg and hip twinged, screaming for you to run but the feeling of bone cracking beneath the force of your blow thrummed pleasantly through the twitching muscles of your hands. It felt fresh and satisfying.
“Solnechnyy svet, we do not leave things half done,”
You stalked towards the groaning heap of flesh, grabbing the discarded brick. You weren’t weak by any means. But your mother had taught you well.
All you needed to do now was finish what you started.
Straddling his chest, fingers laced together around the brick,
You slammed the brick down. Another satisfying crunch echoes in the empty alley. Giddy laughter bubbles in your chest. A sort of manic excitement took over your body.
You felt alive. You feel the rush even as shattered teeth carve deep gashes into the flesh of your knuckles. Your mind lashed out soaking up the pain that radiated off of him.
Distantly, you can hear him beg. He’s pleading for his life. He’s begging you to stop.
You should stop.
For him?
Did he when you asked?
They only stop when they’re like this. Twitching and bleeding.
“Merzost’,” came the old woman’s frail voice cutting through the vicious thoughts in your mind.
The high vanished. It left you cold. Cold and solid.
The puckering of your skin returned.
You looked at your shaking hands. Blood dripping, still trembling from a mix of nervousness and exhilaration.
The air thinned.
Your mother’s painted lips curled into a sweet smile. Her eyes softened as she reached for you. You could almost feel her carding her hand through your hair, gently running the tips of her fingers over your scalp. Her hands slid down to cup your face. Your unnatural eyes meet.
“Just like mama,”
Your senses failed you.
The next few minutes were a slapdash combination of colors and sounds.
The washout grey of Gotham tainted with red.
The echo of shoes against pavement.
Your breath came out in puffs.
You felt sick.
Everything ached.
Why were you outside?
You had piano lessons.
No, that was last week.
No, it was today.
No, it was-
The fresh, deep gashes running up the length of your hand throbbed angrily, still bleeding. You could probably ask Alfie to-
Fuck.
Fuck.
Alfie was going to kill you. He was going to kill you and cut you up and-
Wait. Where were you?
You look around at the dilapidated buildings. Your breath picked up when you took it all in.
How did you end up in Crime Alley?
You bring your injured hands to your mouth
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Breathe.
You shoved your hands into your pockets, violently rummaging through the seemingly endless expanse of space provided by the jeans you’d stolen from Dick’s wardrobe.
Why were guy pockets so much bigger?
Wait, why were you even wearing these?
You shook your head as you finally fished out your phone.
Dried blood still covered your hands.
Your stomach fell.
Bruce wouldn’t take you back.
No.
Not when you’re just like your mother. Your hands move to your face feeling the remnants of the manic smile still pressed into your features. Your stomach cartwheels.
You’re just another one of Gotham’s monsters.
Bruce might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, and, sure, the guy has a bleeding heart-
The phone’s shrill ring drags her mind kicking and screaming back to the present.
Should you answer?
Should you leave it?
Whatever you’re gonna do you really shouldn’t do it in the middle of the street, looking dazed and confused and way out of yourself. Quickly ducking into an alleyway and slipping behind a dumpster, you curled into herself before pulling out your phone.
“Where are you?!” Dick practically shouted over the phone.
Oh fantastic, it’s boy blunder big brother wanna be extraordinaire.
. From the way he sounds, he’s probably grappling or running roof to roof.
“Parker Row, I think,” You slapped your hand against your forehead. Why did you tell him?
“Parker-”
“Hold on, lemme check-” You peeked your head out just enough to see the mouth of the alleyway which didn’t show much. At least, not in any remotely distinguishable way.
Wait. Why were you even giving him your location? He’s just gonna throw you in Arkham. You swallowed thinking of all the minds you didn’t want anywhere near yours. Your pulse faltered. The thought of your mind melding with any of the rogues made you absolutely wanna crawl out of your skin. You wanted to leave it behind. You absolutely just wanted to make a break for it.
To be fair, considering what you just did, you probably belonged in a cell there. Maybe not next to any of the rogues but if you had to pick one, Poison Ivy. Definitely.
“(y/n), I’m serious, where are you? Bruce and Alfred are worried sick,”
You bit your lip. Worrying them was the last thing you wanted to do but there was also the fact that you just nearly murdered a man and possibly murdered him since you didn’t call for an ambulance.
You tried to dredge up any sort of guilt for your actions but you really couldn’t find any. You really couldn’t manage much. You didn’t feel bad for putting him down. He was a fucking asshole and he was gonna do that to someone else. You weren’t about to apologize for rearranging a creeper's face. But you were sorry about the brutality of it. You hated how cathartic each blow felt. How righteous the violence felt.
The image of red lips flashed across your mind. Another wave of nausea rolled over you.
You let out a breath. You were surprised at how dry it sounded. Considering how thick your throat felt, you expected a sob to come out. It sounded like a huff. It even sounded oddly petulant to you. It probably sounded like that to Dick too since he let out an exasperated huff of his own. You were a little glad for it.
“I’ll try to look for something,”
“No. Stay put. If you’re in the Alley-”
“Yeah. Yeah. It’s not safe for me to wander around alone in the Alley. You and B don’t have to keep telling me,”
“Considering where you are…."
This wouldn’t really be much of an issue if your dumbass legs didn’t take you there for God knows what reason.
“Lecture me later. Yanno when I’m in the safety of an overly plush couch where I can drape over dramatically as you each deliver your 500-word monologue about my dumbassery and I pretend to listen,”
“Please tell me you’ve actually done that to Alfred,”
“Do I sound brain dead to you?”
“Do you want an answer to that?”
“Fuck you,”
“Love you too, baby sis~”
Not for long.
You really loved your big brother. It was hard not to. He was too damned caring and sincere not to.
The knots in your stomach tightened at the idea of Dick not being your big brother anymore. You wanted to cry. But he was already stressed as it was and having you crying into his ear would have exacerbated that.
Maybe they’ll at least feed Anatolii once they kick you out. Or maybe Arkham will let you keep him.
“How did you manage to take out your tracker?”
“What tracker?”
“Wait, has B somehow not gotten into your stuff yet?”
“No, and I stole some of your old clothes”
“What? Why?”
That is a good question that someone should have asked you around 3 hours ago.
“What tracker?” You repeated trying to redirect the question to something more concerning.
“You know how B is paranoid,”
“Ah,”
“Yeah,”
You smiled at the easy understanding.
“I think I see you,”
You waved your hands over your head as his silhouette dropped down from the fire escape. You rushed over to hug him, practically tackling him in the process. Looking down at you clearly very surprised by your sudden affection, Dick doesn’t question it and simply holds you. You bit your lip and blinked rapidly feeling the tears gathering in your eyes.
“You’re injured,”
“You’re in tights. What’s your point?”
“YOU HAVE GASHES ON YOUR HANDS”
“And you should really consider getting your name changed to Captain Obvious,”
“Y/n…..”
You hugged him tighter trying to shrink. It was a manipulative tactic but you knew it would work. Your skin started to dot with angry hives where your body made contact with his. You could already feel your face getting mottled with red bumps.
“I don’t wanna talk about it,” The bumps spread to your neck. You could tell Dick could see them when his breath hitched and his grip on you loosened.
Both of you knew that the hives were nothing more than a psychosomatic reaction but Dick really couldn’t help but worry. You greatly appreciated his concern. You really did but letting go meant looking him in the eyes. Looking him in the eyes meant talking. Talking meant telling the truth. You just couldn't stand the idea of it, so you let your skin blister.
“What’s wrong, kiddo?”Dick asked, giving your hair three quick pats before smoothing it over in a comforting gesture. It nearly made you burst into tears. Your control over that was wearing thin. You shook your head not trusting your voice not to come out frail. “C’mon you can tell your big bro,” He coaxed, nervousness edging into his voice. You shook your head again.
Dick sighed.
“Can I at least get you to Doc. Leslie’s clinic?”
You weighed your options.
And weighed them again.
And again.
Calculating the odds but you were too tired.
Too rung out.
Whatever is going to happen will happen. You nodded into his shoulder. Dick’s shoulders loosened. His hands moved up to squeeze your shoulders but pulled away quickly like you’d burned him.
“Can you walk?” He asked gently. You hummed in answer. He let out a breath and shook his head. Your shoulders eased at that and you relinquished your grip.
You two began the slow walk towards the clinic, hand in hand. The silence pooled uncomfortably. You felt the anxiety whirring in Dick’s body even as you walked. Your mind reached out to him. You wanted to reassure him that you were ok but you were a terrible liar when it came to your family. You knew the world of horrendous possibilities that was swirling in Dick’s head. He dealt with the worst the world has to offer on a nightly basis. His guilt and worry licked at your consciousness like a fire spreading too quickly. Your skin buzzed with irritation. Still, you tapped your index and middle finger against the back of his hand. It took you far too long to realize that that gesture meant nothing to Dick. Your eyes widened, mind racing through all the possible ways to do damage control. But when Dick simply reciprocated the gesture, you finally started crying.
Doc. Leslie giving you a mouthful was expected. What you didn’t count on was her swatting you over the head when you refused to tell her what happened.
“It was a Racoon, I swear,” You said, earning you a swat over your head. Dick was snickering at the edge of your periphery. You stuck your tongue out at him which he returned in kind. Doc. Leslie looked between the two of you and ran her hand over her face. Her blood pressure was going through the roof. Doc. Leslie levelled you a stern look one only Alfred could match. You shrank and let her inspect the rest of your skin. It was still mottled from the hug but Doc. Leslie was familiar enough with your condition to distinguish it from any other abnormalities.
Your mother might not have trusted hospitals but even she could see that Doc. Leslie was trustworthy. Or at least, competent enough.
“I’m gonna call, B-”
“NO-” You screamed shooting up from the exam table, your eyes blown wide and wild with fear. “Please don’t call, Da- don’t call,B-” Dick looked at you, brow furrowed, his hand reaching out for you. You didn’t shrink away. Instead, for once, your mind pressed back. His face twisted in mild discomfort. “You can’t, Dick. Please. You- please.” You sounded pathetic even to your own ears. Your mind pressed again. This time Dick winced in pain. You flinched back, your mind retreating.
“Dick- I-” You had hurt him. You had hurt him.
You have become something intolerable. You have become what you have always been.
Merzost’.
Abomination.
Monster.
You felt all the adrenaline from the past few hours leave you all at once. The room felt like it was swimming and shifting. You tried to mouth an apology but your tongue simply flailed uselessly failing you in such a crucial moment.
The world faded and you heard yourself collapse onto the floor rather than feeling it.
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The (h/c) haired woman towered over you. You were weeping and begging as you bleed on the kitchen. You snivelled letting snot, drool, tears, and blood pool at the side of your face. At that moment, you were what the woman thought you were, a pathetic animal. Two sets of incandescent eyes bear down on you-one pitiless and one too young to truly comprehend what's happening.
You look into your own uncomprehending eyes as you bled out on the floor.
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You woke up wild.
Your arms flung over your face.
Your flesh was raw.
Your breath was short.
The world around you was muted against the memory.
Piece by piece the world fell back into place.
There was a monitor beeping beside you. The air smelled of antiseptic, not copper nor lilac. Your breaths slowed.
Piece by piece you retrieved yourself from the nightmare.
You shifted and settled into bed, remembering clearly now where you were. You were at Doc. Leslie’s. You weren’t in the apartment on Main or the house on Orange or Wayne Manor. You were in the clinic. You were safe.
“It’s ok, y/n. You’re safe now, sweetheart. It’s ok.” You felt a large hand smoothing over your sweat-soaked hair, stroking your head gently. Your muscles uncoiled and you let yourself melt into the mattress. Your skin did not prickle.
In the complete darkness of the room, your mind searched for him. Bruce looms over you, towering but unimposing as he usually did. His mind radiated of worry, of warmth, of kindness. You were going to be sick.
“Papa?” You rasped. The word must have sounded like a shattering plate to Bruce because he froze. A cocktail of emotions seemed to swirl in his mind. You desperately wanted to take the word back but you wanted to call him that just once before he carted you off wherever it was you belonged. You did not wait for his mind to pick whichever unpleasant emotions it decided on. You were resigned to whatever fate was in store for you but you weren’t one to sit idly by and wait for it.
“Pa- B- I- I-” You tightened your fists around the threadbare blanket in frustration. Your mind was well aware of what it had to lose by saying this. It was once again the loss of love and you honestly didn’t know if you could take that but knowledge, the waiting for the inevitable, felt far more agonizing at the moment. “B, I- Woodfield.” At that, Bruce’s brow furrowed visibly through the cowl. His mind finally settled on confusion. The loss of discordance put you at ease.
“Woodfield,” He repeated quietly. The gears turning in his head. His expression grew grimmer by the second. You could feel your life falling apart. It was no surprise that Bruce had already heard of what had happened to him. “Why would you go after him alone? Are you ok?”
Alone?
You blinked at Bruce. You furrowed your brow.
“Did he hurt you?”
“No,” You were certain but the answer came out wobbly and unsure. Bruce gave you a stern look, but your mind was far too preoccupied to actually react to it.
What did he mean by alone?
You’ve been talking cases with Bruce for the last week, pestering him about letting you help out by sorting through documents. Being the fresh eyes for the case.
Then you stumbled on Woodfield’s file. Then? Then what?
You were in an alley. Your stomach revolted to prevent any more memories.
Your arms shot up grabbing Bruce’s and pulling yourself up with what little strength you had. “Bruce, I ki-”
“He’s in the hospital-” You stared at Bruce searching his face for something. Whatever it was you couldn’t find it. You expected to feel some kind of relief. After all, you didn’t kill a man. You still maimed him. Your mind supplied unhelpfully.
“Are you ok?” Bruce repeated.
“No,” You answered honestly. You felt numb. With a war of emotions clamoring in your chest, you simply stared at a wall. You felt the bed dip. Bruce was now sitting beside you. You pulled your knees to your chest and bury your face into your arms. You couldn’t stand to look at him. You just- Your mind reached out. The shape and texture of his thoughts weren’t jagged. They were heavy. Heavy but not crushing. The bumps and little prickles of concern confused you.
“B- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- I tried to stop but- but he- I-”
Bruce pulled his cape off and wrapped it around you, the solid weight of it gathering you into something solid. It was a silent comforting gesture. From one affection allergic person to another. You gripped the cape, lip wobbling. You turned to Bruce expecting to see his eyes cold and calculating, the kind of eyes that sussed out your weaknesses. But when you actually looked at them, Bruce’s eyes only betrayed concern. You felt like you’ve been sucker-punched.
Bruce placed a large hand on your head. Bruce looked at you as you were, a scared kid. Not a thing or an abomination or a monster. You were just a kid. And with that, you conceded. You scooted closer. Hesitantly, resting your head on his arm. Bruce made no attempt to pull you into a hug and you thanked whatever was up there for that.