Chapter Text
The last sunrays pass through the crowns of the trees, bathing the clearing in a soft light, while the chirping of the last birds fades away. Some pieces of meat and roots are stuck on skewers above the crackling fire, while small sparks rise and playfully dance around the flickering flames. "The mission was a success, good job." With a slight smile, Xayah looks around, glancing from one to the other, before she sits down next to Rakan and accepts the cup he hands her.
"Let us raise our glasses to our fallen brother!" She raises her cup, looking from one to another, while one by one they do the same. Her eyes rest on Allie, a young cat-Vastaya, who looks over to Xayah with tears in her eyes before she sets the cup to her lips and empties it in a single motion.
" What is the next step?" Anice looks at her seriously, lifting her cup to her lips and taking a sip. "We will split up and check on the border areas before we all meet in Vlonqo." A slow nod passes through the row, the tension is clearly felt.
Blaan glances over to his tent, which he shares with Shona, forehead wrinkled, before he looks to the side in surprise as Rakan puts his hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to worry just because she's been away a little longer. Either she's feeding the little one or she's fallen asleep from exhaustion, the little guy keeps her awake a lot," he laughs softly, winking at his friend.
"To be fair, Aidan keeps all of us awake," laughs Greer, taking a skewer from the fire and carefully taking a bite. The others start laughing when a moment later the said tent opens and Shona steps out, causing even more laughter. Motivated by the change of mood, Anice takes out her flute and starts to play a lively song, so that shortly afterwards some of the people around the fire dance, laughing and singing softly.
With a broad smile on his lips, Rakan straightens up, holding his hand towards Xayah. "Babe, now isn't the right moment," she mumbles, looking towards the fire. But Rakan just shakes his head, holding his hand further in front of her. "Come dance with me," he smiles with sparkling gaze, she rolls her eyes and sighs loudly, but grabs his hand and lets him lead her over to the fire, pressing herself close to him.
"Until dawn you are mine," he whispers softly into her ear, receiving a smile from her. "I' m yours since a long time," she whispers, nestling closer to him and letting him lead her in a close dance. She closes her eyes, her head resting on his chest, her ears tilted back and listening to his heartbeat.
In disbelief, Allie gazes from one to the other, from Anice, who plays happy music and encourages the others to dance, over to the dancers, before her eyes rest on a small group of people aside, laughing and gesticulating. "What the hell is going on here?! Faolan died today! And you are acting as if nothing happened? As if everything is the same? What is wrong with you guys?!" Her voice sounds like she' s in a frenzy, while the eyes of the others turn to her. Xayah immediately leaves Rakan, taking a step towards Allie, who is brushing her brown curls from her face, her blue eyes filled with tears.
"This is our way of dealing with the losses. As long as we let our lost brothers and sisters be part of our lives, they stay with us," she whispers, closing her eyes for a brief moment.
"No one here knows their fate today, no one here knows what will happen, how long we will still be alive. It could be over any day." Anice gives her a sad look. "Believe me, I know what I' m talking about. We all know this feeling. We all have lost someone who was dear to us," she whispers, in her thoughts once again thinking of Jamie.
"We don't know what will happen, but this night will remain in our hearts, wherever our path may lead us". Sadly, Xayah looks up to Rakan, who wraps his arm around her. "Think of something else," he whispers to her, getting a slight nod in response. Xayah looks at her with steady eyes, a sad smile on her lips. "You learn to live with the pain of losing. You learn to accept it as a part of you and carry the memories of your friends with you, locking them deep in your heart. At least if you could form memories together."
Slowly she turns around, disappearing towards her tent, before stopping for a second. "I'm going to bed. Good night." With quick steps she disappears through the entrance of the tent, leaving the others behind in an uneasy silence. Questioningly, Allie looks from one to the other. "What does she mean about forming memories together? You share memories with everyone you know." She furrows her brow.
"No, not always. There is a form of love that is possible without physical contact," murmurs Shona, looking sadly over to the tent. Questioningly, Allie looks from one to the other. "We would have a child," smiles Rakan sadly, sitting down. "It died before being born," he mumbles softly, pushing a piece of wood into the fire. Then he looks up, smiling broadly again. "She's fine, she's going to be all right. She always has so far. Xayah is strong," he laughs softly, taking a piece of meat out of the fire and putting it on a flat wooden plate before a second one follows, as well as two large potatoes cooked in the embers.
"I'll make sure she eats something," he grins before he gets up and walks over to the tent and disappears into it. Blaan looks seriously at Allie, sitting back in his seat. "I know you're still rather new here and our way of dealing with grief may seem a bit confusing to you, but over all these years it's just been our way of letting our dead live on as a part of us. Accept that." She nods slightly, head down to the floor. "Will it ever stop? The pain, I mean?"
"No. It won't stop, it becomes a part of you, a memory of something that has passed. Fao's death will not be the last in our ranks, so learn to deal with the grief, or it will eat you up from within. We've all been through that. Every single one." Seriously, Anice looks at the young girl, stroking one of her floppy ears back. "It doesn't matter how well-planned the missions are, how long Xayah sits there thinking it all through. There is always the possibility that something will go wrong, that one of us will die. She can only plan so much, as she is able to. Accidents happen. She has done everything she could, but unfortunately it went wrong."
"No matter how much you condemn her for the failed mission, condemn her for Fao's death... she condemns herself more than you ever could. And to be honest, she's right. The mission was a complete success. Only one of us died in the chaos where many more of us could have lost our lives. We owe that to her planning." Shona smiles sadly. Slowly Allie nods to her, her head slightly tilted as if she was thinking about her words. "I understand."
Silently they sit around the fire, absorbed in their food and their thoughts. "I'm going to bed before Aidan wakes all of us again," Greer winks at her friends before getting up and walking over to her tent, receiving an extending middle finger from Shona as her response. It doesn't take long and the rest of the others have disappeared into their tents.
~ * ~
When Xayah leaves the tent in a good mood the next morning, there is complete silence in the camp, the only sound heard is the chirping of the birds. Smiling, she grabs two of the small kettles, walks over to the nearby river and fills them with fresh water. A short time later one of the cauldrons hangs over the cozy crackling fire while she mixes flour, salt and a shot of rum and water in a bowl, humming softly to herself.
"Good morning." Allie approaches her smiling. "I'm glad to find you alone at this moment, I wanted to..." Surprised, Xayah looks up, falling into the words of the young Vastaya. "Don't you dare apologize. Everyone has his own opinions and I accept that. I know it's my fault Fao was killed. But I promise you I did everything I could." She clicks her tongue, staring at the dough on her fingers.
Slowly, Allie nods, smiling. "I think what you're doing is good," she smiles slightly, receiving an surprised look from her before returning the smile. She winks at her from the side. "Otherwise you wouldn't have joined us," she grins at the young girl, before her eyes turn back to the dough in the bowl and to her fingers. "That can' t be true, I've been making this damn dough for breakfast for more than 15 years and still can't get the chunks out!"
With eyes wide open, Allie stares at her, mouth slightly open. "More than 15 years? I didn't knew you've been fighting for this cause for so long," she mumbles quietly, receiving a surprised look from Xayah. "Most of us are fighting much longer for a better life for our tribes. When I started the rebellion with Blaan, Shona and... and Keir, I was younger than you are now. We've seen a lot in that time and accomplished more than I ever thought possible," she smiles, continuing to knead the dough while Allie starts to clean some large, flat stones and spread them around the fire.
"I' m glad that you have accepted me. I' m proud to be a member of the movement. It's just... so much is new to me. When we had to say goodbye to someone at home, they didn't celebrate, they sang for them and they told stories about them. The fact that you were celebrating seemed to me like you didn't care at all, which is why I freaked out yesterday". She throws an apologetic smile at her, spreading a little butter on the stones while Xayah places small pieces of dough on top.
"You haven't lost anyone close to you yet, haven't you?"
Attentively, Xayah looks at the youngest member of her rebellion, who nods slowly. "Just a few members of my tribe, but I didn't got a close bond with them..." she mumbles, receiving a slight nod from her. "You know, our loved ones aren't completely gone. If you close your eyes and listen to the wind or the sound of the water, if you listen carefully, you can still hear him, the song that surrounded his soul. Whenever you feel the need to talk to Fao, go to the river or away from the group for a while so that no one disturbs you. Talk to him, tell him about everything that is on your mind, even if he doesn't give you a literal answer, he will hear you and be with you".
Allie nods gently to her before she walks over to Xayah and gives her a firm embrace, she cramps up for a moment before her muscles relax again and she gently strokes Allies back. "Thank you," she whispers softly. Surprised, Xayah looks down at her. "For what?"
Without giving an answer, Allie just smiles, kneeling down and turning one of the bannocks around. "Oh, I've spread flourish chunks of dough on your back," Xayah giggles quietly, looking at her hands before she wipes the dough off with a cloth and wipes over the stains with a clean spot of it.
"Good morning." Looking slightly sleepy, Shona approaches the two of them, holding Aidan in her arms and sitting by the fire. "Oh, bannocks for breakfast. How about some eggs and bacon?" In a good mood the other two nod to her. "I can take the little one for as long as you like," smiles Xayah with sparkling eyes while Shona puts the baby in her arms and takes care of the rest of the breakfast afterwards. "I really love the little asskicker, but honestly I'm glad if you take him for a little while now and then," she laughs, winking at her friend and watching as Xayah holds the baby in her arms and lets him reach for her finger.
"Are you still trying?" Surprised, she looks up from Aidan, slowly shaking her head. "No. We tried it right after it happened, Orome said that the chances are highest during the first cycle but we haven't been lucky since. I guess it's just not meant to be, you know, a family." She throws an fake smile at her friend, but the expression in her eyes can' t hide her true feelings. "You are still young, you have plenty of time to just keep trying," Shona tries to cheer her up.
Xayah sighs softly, trying again to smile and failing even more than before. "As the leader of our cause, it is better not to have a child anyway. It would just become a target for the enemy.And as leader, I can' t provide an opportunity for vulnerability, it would risk our cause."
Carefully, Allie looks back and forth between the two of them, forehead wrinkled, before she slowly puts her arms in front of her chest. "Even though you and your husband are the leaders of our cause... you too have deserved to be happy." Shona nods in agreement, looking back at the eggs, while from a distance the voices of Blaan and Rakan reach their ears.
"Good morning!" The two men approach their spouses. "We have checked the surroundings, no suspicious signs. So we don't need to worry about intruders." Smiling, Blaan approaches the large metal pan and tries to steal a piece of bacon, causing Shona to slap his fingers. "We'll wait until everyone is here."
With a broad grin, Rakan sits down next to Xayah, admiring her before he puts his arm around her shoulder, breathing a gentle kiss on her ear. "Having a child in your arms suits you," he whispers softly, breathing another kiss on her ear. She snuggles up closely to him, eyes fixed on Aidan, and a light smile flits across her lips.